Novi

Thank you Marty. Certain events happen sometimes and I just long to see her again. Even if just for a few minutes. I will never understand people that treat their parents like crap, they don't realize what they have (the ones with good parents I mean). I know a few people like that. I would go for coffee with their mum if it wasn't so strange lol. I never felt comfortable writing letters to my loved ones. It always feels off. I was going to just write this thread in first person but then I wrote it to my mom so it's sort of like a letter I guess. What do people usually do with the letters they write? You did give me an idea though, I'm going to work on it today.

Mom, If you were still here you would be proud of me, I think. I've made so many mistakes. Mistakes when you were still on earth and many more after you left. I broke the only promise you made me keep, that I wouldn't follow in dad's footsteps. But I did, and I did it well. I turned to the bottle instead of dealing with your death, and I made an attempt on my life. For years I stayed in this mindset, I just wanted to numb my pain rather than face it. This year everything changed. After over a decade I put the bottle down. I never even struggled with it either, which I still don't get. Maybe you are watching over me from above, if above exists. Two months ago I took an opportunity at work, one that had come up a few times in the past which I wasn't ready for. But this year I was ready. I switched from the grueling, forever-alone night shift and went on to work days. It made me miss going to the lake during summer with you even more, seeing the sun so much. But something was still missing. I'm still looking for it but now I know what it is. Confidence. Working the day shift seemed to boost it a bit and I felt that I could do better. So I started my search. And yesterday I was offered a job that pays much better, and it's a much better shift - Monday to Friday instead of these never-ending 12 hour shifts that are all over the place. Getting this job was bittersweet because even though it's time for me to move on, the place I worked at for so long have been good to me. They've endured a lot of my instabilities. They helped when I got into my accident last year. They gave me a second chance when I left in frustration. I'm giving them a full 2 rotations of notice so they can find someone to replace me, something I don't think I would have done in the past. Things are changing so much this year, and I know change is what I need but I just feel so lost right now. I feel like I've woken up in a strange place and I don't even recognize myself. Getting offered this job opportunity made me think of you. I remember during the recession of 2009 I struggled so much to find work after graduating college. When you got home from work I greeted you with the news that I'd finally found a job. You were so excited for me, we went out for dinner to celebrate. Dinner and red wine. I miss those days. I miss you so much. I miss going to the lake with you. I wish you were here to celebrate with me now. I wish this new planet I'm on had you on it too. It's lonely here without you.

@kayc Thank you! He really is.

Good job keeping your weight up! And I'm always so proud of you when you eat all your food. It's okay that you're eating less and less of your kidney food and more of Sylvester's regular wet food. The important thing is that the calories are going in and that you enjoy what you eat. Thank you so much for your easy going attitude about the medications and the monthly vet appointments. I know the vet techs appreciate how easy you make it for them too. They like you a lot! I noticed you're getting a little bit clumsy on your feet this last month. Getting old sucks doesn't it?? You still get by well enough and don't seem to have lost any confidence with climbing on things. I just want you to be careful. I love you so much and don't want you to hurt yourself. I'm very grateful we still get to wake up every morning together and that at the end of my work day you are still there waiting for me to give me hello kisses. Sometimes at work when I get stressed I open my phone and look at this picture I took of you earlier this month. It puts a smile on my face every time. You're so beautiful!

I think your feelings of anger are validated. It sounds to me like your siblings could not and would not deal with your mom's illness and subsequent death. Using alcohol as a crutch only goes so far... their inability to stay sober shows they aren't willing to face reality. I have a sister that has done similar things, while my brother and I took care of mom while she was dying of cancer, my sister was no where to be found. She came back into our lives shortly after mom died filled with regret and saying she would never let our family down again. But once again she is nowhere to be found. I haven't seen or spoken to her since the summer of 2019. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.

It is sad and she shouldn't have a job like that because of it. I left there feeling very confused that day but I'm glad I chose to ignore her because I know Nile well enough to know it wasn't time to give up on him yet. Zoomies are when a cat gets very excited from pent up energy. They start running around like crazy and both my cats will climb up and down their cat trees. Nile doesn't do it for more than a few minutes at a time but that's still very good for a cat his age and health issues. Oh and the catio got here a day early, I couldn't have been more happy about that! That gives me an extra day to try it out before going back to work. My cats ABSOLUTELY love it so far! So glad I bought this because now I can let Nile out on the patio this summer without worrying about him getting away. I moved here 6 years ago and its a main floor suite, the balcony isn't closed off. I live right by a major road. The place I rented prior was on the third floor. It had a huge balcony so he could go out there all the time. I'm glad I found a solution - maybe it won't be Nile's last summer but if it is I'm grateful he can go outside a lot more now.

Nile, Your weight is up slightly since your last weigh-in (from 3.5kg to 3.6kg) which is great. A big part of that is mixing your prescription food with Sylvester's food since you're very sick of your diet. That's okay because it's more important that you eat, even if its not only the kidney food, then you not eating enough. You eat lots when it's mixed. I'll never forget the technician back in December that told me you would be dead within two to three months. And although she never said this, her tone was that of annoyance that I was bothering with your treatments. She was so wrong though because you're still doing really well. The technician we dealt with today seemed very happy with your overall health. She laughed when I told her you get the zoomies at least two to three times a week. You truly are a little trooper. I ordered you and Sylvester a catio so you can spend the summer on the patio without being on a leash. We get it on Sunday, I can't wait to see how you and Sylvester like it! Love you so much!!

Feb 13 2023 My coworkers loved seeing you, I'm glad we got a chance to stop on the way to your appointment. They know how much I love you. You seemed to like the visit too although you got annoyed with the dog. But you handled it all well. The vet was very happy with your progress, your weight is up to 3.54kg so a little gain since December. Your blood pressure is down too! I'm very proud of you Nile, you're such a little fighter. Looks like we still have time left to spend together. Keep up the good work little man. I love you!

Hi @kaycsorry for not responding sooner, I got very sick last week. It was the sickest I've ever been in my life actually. I felt bad because for 2 days I could hardly take care of myself, never mind my pets. Nile missed a full day's worth of medication because of it. I was unable to even get out of bed. I'm on the mend now at least, and Nile is still doing fine. I'm pretty sure my work covers psychiatry/psychology. Because I don't have a family doctor (I haven't had one since 2020) it could be a struggle to find one now so I can get a referral. It might be easier to seek help over the phone. I'm ok now, I only really feel intense during the month of January. There's a lot of pent up anger and emotions that come out that month. The only family I have that I could talk to is impossible to talk to. I know I've mentioned my brother before. He has this unrealistic expectation of others - he seems to think people should deal with things exactly like he does because how he copes is obviously the correct way. It's so frustrating.

It's not your fault or your responsibility. After a quarter century I should be okay but I just never dealt with it I guess. I just have no one to discuss it with. I don't have a lot of people in my life (No spouse, no kids, no parents, very few friends) and I work nights so I'm always alone. There was a thread here, I think it's gone now, that was titled something like "being alone sucks" and I clicked on it hoping to participate but finding out I didn't fit there at all. It upset me, and January is a bad month. I can't blame this site for my own psychological issues. I need to speak to a counselor but I just can't afford one. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and fix things. I'm sure we all feel that way. I'm just glad I survived another January.

Hi Nile, Glad to see you chasing birds and fish on the TV. Silly I never thought of that before, I got the idea from Reddit. TV games for cats. You still have a lot of energy for a sick old man Last week I noticed you were sitting a bit strange, leaning your weight on your front legs. Instead of the monthly pain injection being administered by the tech I booked you in to see the vet. I will have her do an exam to see what's up. You aren't doing it anymore, but I would rather still have her look at you, especially since you threw up this morning. I'm also going to ask for a probiotic to see if we can do something about your soft stool. Other than that, you are one tough little guy. You seem okay all things considered. We will cuddle in a few hours when we go to bed. Love you always!

Every year I want to talk about this and everytime I end up feeling stupid for doing so. I just have no one to talk to about it. I wish this forum was more active, no one here seems to share any of the same losses I do, or if they do they just leave after a day or two of posting.

Snowshoes are so beautiful. I had one named Sphinx, she was skittish too. I rescued her from the streets. She also died of leukemia, it's common with these pure breds or so I'm told. My vet says she was born with it too. I hope when the walls remind you of Nono they are good memories. Like Kayc said, they can't be replaced. The bonds are different but the love for them is so incredibly strong.

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Thank you @kaycI feel much better having just talked about it. Very true that what we carry is inside our hearts. We place too much value on possessions. I don't want to be controlled by inanimate objects. There will be no one to take my things once I'm gone and I would really like to free myself from all of it. I want to move somewhere one day, away from the busy city. It will be much easier if I have less to pack (if it was just me and the cats would be perfect!)

My mom loved to do cross stitch. Growing up I remember her working on them every evening in the living room. She had a table set up and she would work on her cross stitch projects while we watched tv. The living room and halls were adjourned with her framed art. Well when she died she split them between my brother and I. There was about a dozen frames. I never liked them. They didn't match my place and for the last 12 years I've stored them under the futon in the spare room. There was really only one that I liked, which I hung up for a few years but eventually took down and stored with the rest. January is always a rough time for me, being it the month my dad killed himself many years ago. I always do unpredictable moody things (my mom was actually the one that pointed this out a long time ago, having noticed a pattern.) The other night I decided I would try to sell her cross stitch frames online, I don't like them and they just take up space. At least if someone can appreciate them I think that's better than me keeping them for nothing other than sentimental value and my inability to let go. I was planning to rehang the one that I sort of liked and get rid of the rest, if they didn't sell I was planning to donate them to Goodwill. I reached under the futon and pulled out the stack, only to cut myself on broken glass. The one that I liked (it was of a black horse in a field) was broken. I was so angry for both having cut myself and the irony of the ONLY one I somewhat liked was broken that I gathered all the glass and marched it straight outside to the dumpster, art and all. I regret it now, I could have had it reframed but then I ask myself why?? I don't even like it that much! My mother liked horses, not me. I like cats! I wish I didn't feel so bad, because realistically the art I don't think will sell online and will end up at Goodwill, and they will probably throw them out. I suppose it's just easier if I'm not the one doing it, or even knowing about it. I know it's stupid. My mom would not want me being upset over something so trivial. I can't wait for January to be over so I can think straight again.

I was there until mine took their last breath too... I would never have it any other way. It hurts to be there but I just couldn't imagine leaving them there alone and afraid while they transitioned into the last and final phase of what is life.

Hi Nile, This once-a-month pain management injection (Solensia) seems to work wonders. It's definitely worth the money. I love seeing you jumping up on places again like you used to. You weighed in at 3.54kg. No gain but no loss since last month. Tough little man. Glad the car ride didn't scare you despite the last experience. Love you!

I love that bracelet @kayc blue is my favourite colour. My Becklace is a sapphire heart which is my birthstone. Since I rescued Beck from a shelter and didn't know his birth date, I figured getting my own birthstone sort of makes it so it has a piece of him and a piece of me together. @My beautuful TigerI started keeping some of Nile's (my oldest and still living cat) fur. I wasn't sure what I would do with it but a key chain like you mentioned sounds nice. Nile has such beautiful fur and I want to remember how soft it is even when he isn't with me anymore. I hope that sorting Tiger's grave this weekend brings you solace.

It will have been four years on February 2nd since I lost my soulmate Beck. I can't believe that much time has gone by! I still think of him everyday and I wear his ashes on a heart shaped necklace too (I call it my "Becklace") I'm sorry for your loss @My beautuful Tigerand @kayc the pain is so great. So was the love.

Nile, I can't believe how happy Sylvester was to see us when we got back from that holiday. It warmed my heart. Things have been rough since, with all the car repairs that I ended up having to get done. I'm really starting to feel the pinch now. But I can still get you the care you need, I will always find a way to keep you comfortable until it's time for me to let you go. Yesterday you were all over the place, you had the zoomies for hours. I was trying to sleep but I wasn't mad because it was so nice seeing you that energetic. Today you whined when I gave you your injection, and you fought when I gave you your pill. That is the first time I have ever seen you fight me on meds and you've needed them off and on for pretty much your entire life. I know you are reaching the end of your patience with all of this. We have an appointment on the 12th with the vet. I promise no spinning off the highway into the ditch again!! I also promise to think with my head and not with my heart, I know I've said that before but I mean it. Beck taught me what a mistake that is. I love you, see you when I get home from work. I'm on days off again starting tomorrow, we will make the best of our time together!

Well Nile, as we know life is full of surprises, even unpleasant ones. Our plan was not to crash into a ditch doing 110kms per hour on the highway then hitchhike the rest of the way to our destination, but here we are anyways. I'm just so grateful I seat belted your carrier down because otherwise you might have gotten hurt. I'm glad we're both okay and that we made it here alive. And that you have been calm through all of this. The gabapentin really helped keep your stress levels down. No more car rides for you unless it's to the vet and right back home. And I'm 100% having an at home euthanasia done when that time comes. I can't wait to go home and be safe with you, Sylvester and Orangey. I love you.

It's impossible to go back to normal when someone that meant the world to you is gone. I remember asking myself how the world can even keep turning. It took me a while to find traction but I eventually did and I found a new normal. Just be good to yourself and take all the time you need.

Thank you. I really need this vacation so your message but my heart at ease because I feel guilty about putting him through this. I gave him a capsule of Gabapentin and he's very calm right now. He was sleeping on my lap before I wrote this message!

Nile, Please be strong while we travel. I know you will but I worry. In a few hours I'm going to give you a medicine to keep your stress levels down. I have all your things packed and I brought your little bed too so you have something familiar from home. I know Sylvester will miss us but I also know you could use a break from him too. I need this trip since we didn't get to go last Christmas. It will do me good to get out of town for a bit too. It's only two days so you'll be back in the comfort of home in no time. I have emergency vet numbers saved in the town we are visiting just incase something happens. I love you.