Novi

I lost my mum to cancer in 2011. I didn't even know what anticipatory grief was until I found this website. She died the day after I made my first post. It's very hard to deal with it alone. I'm glad you have friends that support you, even if they are far away. Sometimes just being heard makes a world of difference. Please try not to hang on to the last memories where she isn't herself because you don't want to remember her like that. I still fight to forget the way mum looked lying in bed in palliative care. I try instead to imagine her with her hair up, wearing modest makeup and dressed business casual for work. With her purple glasses. I have those glasses now, I never felt they looked right on me though. Maybe I look too much like her... My cats mean the world to me. I think you'll find the resentment you feel now will go away eventually. I took care of my mum when she was dying until I couldn't physically do it anymore. So I understand why you would see your pets as a task right now. It's been 12 years since she passed and my cat Nile was around while she was sick and dying. now he is sick too, and needs a lot of care. I find solace in caring for him because it reminds me of the last few months with my mom. Although her illness and death were the hardest thing I have ever experienced I would do it all over again in a heartbeat because I loved her so much.

You really are a little trooper, Nile. I was worried it would be difficult to give you the fluids but you just sat there calmly and let me put the needle in. I'm glad you enjoyed your treats after. Thank you for making this as easy for me as you have been. You are amazing!

I'm sorry for your loss. He was a beautiful pup and he looked so happy in those pictures. You gave him a great life. We do have a different expectation about how they will leave us, even when my old cat Beck died in my arms it wasn't pretty. He was booked to be put to sleep the day after but his health just plummeted earlier than expected. I still consider myself so incredibly lucky that I was home to hold him as he took his last breath. So lucky.

I love you so much Nile. A little over a year ago I was told you had somewhere between 2 to 3 years left to live. Now I'm told it's around 2 to 3 months. You were braver than I was at your appointment last Monday. You were getting needles and I was shedding tears. I can't see you in pain, I just can't. When I get home in the morning I have to give you subcutaneous fluid. The vet said it is easier if you have someone to help but it's just me. I'll try my best. Because you are eating and still playing and climbing on your cat tree I'm going to keep treating you but I know it will only be a matter of weeks until I have to let you go. Your high blood pressure caused by your kidney failure has you on medication that will in turn shut down your kidneys. It's just a cruel thing. I'm not putting you through more than a few pills and the subcutaneous fluid twice a week. The next time there is a change I will book a doctor to come and free you from this life and send you home to Beck and Sphinx, who I am sure are watching over us now. I'm not ready for this but I never will be. You've been my best friend for over 15 years. Coming home from work and not having you at the door waiting to give me "hello kisses" will be heart breaking. I can't even think about this stuff now. I just want to be with you and take lots of pics and get lots of hugs and kisses while you are still here. I love you so much.

Nile. I love you. You were so calm for your appointment today. The news was not very good. We need to go back on December 12th for more tests. Then I have to make a decision for the both of us. I'm happy to see you're still eating and drinking... But the tech at the vet is very worried about your weight loss and she think you might be in pain. We can't have you in pain. I promise to be strong like you have been and think with my head and not my heart.

When it comes to the loss of Beck I don't have much to compare it to in terms of companionship. While I was close to my mom we didn't see each other every day and the affection wasn't on the same level (actually, my mother didn't show much affection at all until I was in my 20s) And as you said, we don't fight with our animals, the same can't be said for our parents. I feel like I grieve Beck in small increments pretty much on a daily basis, and with my mom the grief is like occasional waves. But those waves are far more intense then the daily moments for Beck, and they seem to hit out of nowhere sometimes. As for the botched euthanasia, I'm sorry you went through that. I hope that is something I never have to experience. I'm always astonished when you mention Kitty was over 25 years old... you know that means she was 118 in human years? That's incredible! Po sounds wonderful. Animals can be such a huge help, it's like they know. And they seem to know just how to help too, while for some people the topic of grief is awkward or even inconvenient for them to try to approach. I started having night terrors after my mom passed away and I remember one specific time I woke up absolutely panicked and terrified. I wasn't even sure where I was... Beck was sitting on top my dresser and he woke, then let out a loud but gentle meow. Hearing his voice just sent this sense of relief over me and I was instantly calm after that. He was such a big help during that time of my life. They truly are a blessing.

That's awesome! How did you find him (or he find you?) I read recently on another site that feral/stray cats can't be rehabilitated but that is just not true. Some don't even need any work just a place to call home. Sphinx was a stray who had been abused and she was the sweetest little thing from the day I brought her home. I would have easily trusted her around small children.

Happy birthday Nile!!! I got my wish and you are still here with me. I'm so grateful and I can't wait to make you your birthday cake. I know you'll enjoy it because your appetite is still so good. You have to share with Sylvester though, but I know you won't mind. I always say you are soft both inside and out... I'm going to put sardines on it this time too, I'm surprised I didn't think of that before. I wish I didn't have to work but we will have a tiny celebration this morning. You're such a tough little guy, maybe just maybe there will be a cake next year too! Love you lots!

Beck was my soulmate even though he was a cat. And you're right, the pain of losing an animal vs a human loved one is different but equally painful, at least from my experience, and I'm sure for many others. Thank you, I am better now. It always helps to try and remember how fortunate I was to have Beck in my life. He may have been a rescue animal but it was he who saved me.

Thanks Kayc, you are amazing for taking the time to answer so many people on this forum. I know it means a lot to many. I did cry a bit that day thinking of Beck. I felt better afterwards. Sometimes it's good to let it out even if you don't see it coming. I do feel that Beck is watching over me and Nile.

I had another STUG (Sudden, Temporary Upsurge of Grief) today and I just wanted to share my experience. I like to watch channels on YouTube about supernatural stuff ei: Nuke's Top 5, Slapped Ham etc.. Tonight I put one of these on as I did chores around the house. The first story was some warehouse workers that worked at night time, and one worker caught some strange howling noises on his phone. It was blamed on the lost spirit of a mother looking for her child (there was more to the story but by this point I stopped listening) because the sound that the man recorded was like an instant punch in my gut. I'm a cynic, and I'm not religious so these stories are more for entertainment. I knew the moment I heard the cries that it was an animal in distress, and it sounded exactly like Beck who died over 3 years ago. I have not allowed myself to revisit that day or replay (in my head) the sounds of his cries from the day he died because I know it would be too painful for me, I buried it but today I heard it again. It really rattled me. I miss him so much.

Nile, We have another follow-up appointment this Friday. I really hope your potassium levels are up and that your weight has at least maintained... although when I pick you up now I can feel how skinny your legs are. I know kidney disease usually comes with muscle deterioration of the legs; at least that's what the vet told me. Your belly is bigger than ever though and you still have a very good appetite. You still make it so easy for me to give you your two medications. Sometimes when you're not watching I cry because I'm so scared to lose you. It's hard to imagine my life without you there. You, Sphinx and Beck were a constant in my life for many many years and now that chapter is going to come to an end. I hope it isn't too soon. I'm just afraid I'll come home from work one day and you will have done a 180. The last time you and I saw the vet she told us that your disease had advanced to stage 3 so I need to be realistic about things. I try not to think of it too much but I also can't live in denial either. That will just make it worse for me I think. I also think it's funny how I spend a little money on myself sometimes and I hesitate, but when it comes to you I don't even ask how much... you mean the world to me and it doesn't matter the cost as long as you are healthy enough to enjoy being with me still. Love you always and forever

Rocky was absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing his pictures. I hope that going through all the pleasant memories has helped you. I imagine it brought many tears too. I can't remember where I read this but someone wrote that tears are just words we aren't saying out loud. For myself sometimes it is just easier to cry than talking to someone about my pain.

I don't think it matters if they are with us for a few years or decades, it will never be long enough. It does sound like you took very good care of him and gave him a wonderful life. What was his name? Sometimes family members just don't understand. I've dealt with that too. It's frustrating but we need to remember how lucky we are and how much they are missing out because they have never felt that special bond/love we have had with an animal. Just take your time and grieve, don't worry what other people think. We all grieve in our own way and at our own pace. For example, for me the only thing that helped was to focus on the task of compiling all my pictures and videos of my cat Beck after he passed away and organizing them by date. It kept me busy. I even had a photo printed and I framed it, and hung it up beside the paw prints my vet made for me after he died. I've heard people say before that looking at pictures is far too painful so close after the death. But for me it was the only thing that made me feel somewhat better. I'm sorry for your loss and please take care of yourself.

They are very normal feelings you are experiencing, and I know that might sound insincere because it's your pain and yours only. We all grieve uniquely. I remember driving home from the hospital after my mom died and I was stopped at a red light. I was just looking around at the pedestrians walking, at all the cars driving. People all around going about their daily lives. I just couldn't understand how the world was just continuing as though nothing had happened when the person that meant the world to me was just... gone. As time went on I remember the first time I felt okay, and immediately I felt guilt as though I wasn't allowed to be happy. I had just buried my mom, how could I feel any sense of happiness? It was the most confusing time of my life. I would have dreams she was still alive and healthy, then I would wake up feeling awful, like I was grieving her all over again. It's hard to see now, and there will be times where the grief just weighs you down out of nowhere. For me it was like the huge waves of the ocean crashing down and taking my very breath as I tried to keep my head above water. But those waves will stop being as frequent and overtime they won't be as aggressive. I still get hit with a wave from time to time, and it's been over 10 years now since my mom passed away. But it's those moments that assure me she will never be forgotten and remind me to think of the better times.

I'm sorry for your loss. She was beautiful.

It's the first time for as long as I can remember that you eat an entire can of food in a single sitting! Good job Nile! The fact you still have an appetite gives me hope. We still need to get those potassium levels up though, the vet said. You're just a touch below the normal levels. Hopefully the increase from 0.25ml to 0.40ml will help. Love you to the moon and back!

Thanks Kayc. She was very beautiful. I have some of her ashes in a charm that is the same colour as her eyes. I love having her close to me.

Sphinx, You made your journey home to the Meadows two years ago on this day. My heart still hurts so bad from missing you. I'm thankful I found you that day. Although I am sad that you were injured when I found you, I don't think I would have found you if you weren't. You were tough, the vet said you would always have a limp but you made a full recovery. You walked without issue for the thirteen wonderful years I had you. Say hi to Beck and Cleo for me, I hope you are all happy playing together and eating everything you desire. Nile is still doing well but I know it won't be long until he joins you all. Once he makes his journey home, it will mark the end of an era for me. I look forward to the day we are all together again.

You can't blame yourself, they hide their pain so well. I wish they could learn to let us know somehow when they are domesticated. After my cat Sphinx passed away I got another cat, not to replace her, but to fill the void. I know she would have wanted that. She was a rescue and I know she would have wanted another cat to be loved and safe just like she was.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's so difficult to watch them go through hard times when they are sick, and even more difficult to let them go.

You're a tough little man, Nile. I am SO glad to see you back to your normal self today. The antibiotics are working well. We need to work on your weight though, you lost half a pound since your last weigh-in. You're now at 3.88kg. Let's get that back over 4kg over the next few weeks. Looks like the Feliway Friends is helping too. I know Sylvester just wants to play with you but you don't need that extra stress right now.

We got very lucky today that your follow up appointment was at 5 this afternoon, and even luckier that the wonderful vet could get us in sooner. This is now your fourth UTI and because you were sick and hid behind the door... I'm so sorry I hurt you when I opened the door Nile. You can't even begin to know how guilty I feel. I hope the pain meds help and aren't too hard on your kidneys. If I could have one wish it would be that you live until your next birthday this October. I would like to make you one last birthday cake. I love you.

Nile, Thank you for making it easy for me to give you your meds. You are just like your big brother Beck, there was never any fight to give him pills or fluids either. I hate giving you that pill though because I know you hate it. I think that the potassium supplement is helping too, you seem to have more energy these days. I'm proud to be your mum. Happy mother's day to any moms reading this.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I don't want to lose you. You're the last of my trio and once you are gone it will mark the end of an era. So much has changed since I got you 15 years ago and you are the last familiar thing in my life. I'm afraid that when I lose you I will also lose a part of myself. I'm sorry to both you and Sylvester for all the tears the last two days, I'm trying not to be sad because I know it will affect your health. I'm still waiting for the potassium supplement. I also ordered you a different kind of kidney care food that I'm confident you will enjoy. You now have 4 different kinds so there's no way you will get bored of your food! I am forever grateful to the 26-year-old me that took you home in a spur of the moment decision. It turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. If I could I would hug her and thank her for bringing you into my life. I promise I will stay brave for you Nile. I'm very happy to see your little brother is being gentle with you too. I love you and I will be home in 7 hours. I will expect my hello kisses at the door!