Novi

I'm sorry for your loss. My cat has a pretty severe case of pica, he's destroyed so many of my shirts, blankets, washcloths.. the list goes on. He used to chew on electrical wires but he suddenly stopped that years ago, I think he might have given himself a bit of a jolt. It took me a while to make my place "Nile proof" and even when I thought I had it completely safe for him, in Oct 2016 he rummaged through my gym bag and found a hair elastic. He ate it and it became tangled in his small intestine and he needed emergency surgery. It just goes to show that we can be as careful as possible, but things can still happen. I'm lucky he pulled through. I'm sorry your Ellie didn't get that lucky. I can understand your frustration towards your vet for missing the signs of blockage. We put all our trust into them and they do sometimes fail us. But we all make mistakes, even when it comes to our careers. Just remember that you did your best, and you gave Ellie 10 wonderful years even with all the challenges. You did very well in my opinion. I also understand the soulPUPPY thing, Beck was my soulmate in a cat. No other animal will ever be on that same level. I think that is why your husband isn't grieving the same as you, because you had that special bond with Ellie.

Thank you. I got some good news from the vets yesterday, I am so relieved. And you are very right about us knowing our pets better than someone with a degree. I know every little thing about Nile's sweet personality. He is definitely back to his normal self now too, he has been for the last several days. My apologies, I spelled Gisella's name "Giselle." Sometimes I type faster than I think!

I didn't realize it was being misquoted. Makes a lot more sense knowing that second part. Maybe I am biased but I think that suicide isn't because they can't handle what life is throwing at them, but because they are too afraid to try. I think my dad gave up easily. I could be wrong tho. I've thought of suicide many times, especially during covid but I would never go through with it. Wow, that is a very insensitive thing to say. It's on par with saying to someone who just lost their dog, "Get over it and go find a new dog." It doesn't work like that!!! (Not that I'm comparing a spouse to a dog, but I'm sure you know what I mean.) One saying that I do love is: The road to hell is paved with good intention. I was raised catholic but I no longer have that faith. So of course I don't believe in hell but I like the idea behind that saying. Part of my dropping the faith was because of my father's suicide and people saying that those who take their lives go to hell. It just disgusted me to hear that. I do have beliefs however, most of them seem to fall under the Buddhist way of life rather than a specific religion. I would never judge anyone for their beliefs or religion. It made me sad when churches here were closed during lockdowns. At such a chaotic time in their lives, they could not go worship. It was cruel.

Good news Nile!!! No more pain meds! Although the x-rays did show very early onset of muscle deterioration but nothing to worry about right now. And also there was no sign of urinary issues, which is why she requested the x-rays too, so that answers my question about why she asked the doctor that would have filled in for her at the last minute for xrays as well as the urinalysis. It was an expensive day but worth every penny to put my mind at ease and know that you are okay. You were SO nervous both in the car and at the clinic yesterday... the vet told me you had a little accident on her. It's okay tho, these things happen. She wasn't mad or anything, but she did collect a bit of it in case we need a stool sample later on. And you made my eyes water on the drive home when you let one rip, but I was happy it was just a fart and that I didn't have to endure the smell for the whole drive home! So far now, no more car rides, but the clinic did say I can take you in for a complimentary weigh-in every two to four weeks, which is very kind of them. I will certainly take advantage of their offer since getting your weight up is very important right now. You are doing so well with everything and I'm very proud of you. Looks like we will still have many more months together! Love you!!!

Awww Nile, this morning you were so playful and affectionate. I wish i could have stayed up later with you but i had to get some rest for your appointment. I'm writing you now as they are taking a urinalysis and xrays. This waiting room is nice, I've never been in this one. It has a couch so while i wait for you i can be comfortable and maybe sneak a nap since they said the tests might take 30 minutes. You weighed in at 3.85kg today! Good job!!! See you soon little man.

Nile, Your appointment is in less than 12 hours. It's going to be a long day for me because i will barely get any sleep before my next shift, but that's okay I will just drink a little more coffee tomorrow night. It'll be worth it because I'm doing it for you. I'm scared about the x-ray, I don't want more bad news. I have a bad feeling in my gut tho, and I hope it's just a bit of paranoia. You seemed okay before I left for work last night. You ate lots, you jumped from the top of the dresser all the way to my bed when I woke up so you could lay beside me for a bit. That was a good start to my day. Even Sylvester was being kind to you, I think he knows you aren't feeling your best. He loves you, even if he has a strange way of showing it. We both love you. See you when I get home, I hope you eat all your breakfast and if not, the vet said it's okay to add a bit of tuna juice to it. That works every time, you sure love your tuna!

It does help a lot. Part of the reason I decided to do a journal for Nile is so that I can also track everything that is happening if I need to go back on it, instead of relying on memory. I want to be able to see for myself if I'm acting in denial of his condition, and if there are still more good days then bad. When Beck died I was a mess the whole time he was sick, and I didn't go through any of his things for a few months. When I finally did, I was sickened by the amount of medication I had for him. Different meds for different ailments, all prescribed up until the day prior to his death. The day before he died, my vet had prescribed two different medication. She HAD to know at that point that he didn't have any time left, she was just looking to make a quick buck. I wish she had been honest with me and recommended euthanasia way before Beck got so sick Another thing I noticed too is that I am basically repeating the same habit I did when my mom was sick. I had planned to write a book, but I haven't had the courage or strength to go back and read everything. My mom started it, and it was her idea. She kept a journal of her progress, her appointments, how she felt, how thing were changing for her health-wise, up until the day she could no longer write it down herself. You could see her writing skills deteriorate as time went on, until her writing wasn't legible anymore. At that point I took over. I have over 50 pages of notes, all dated and very precise for which to compose a book. One day I will get that done. My brother has agreed to help. We both love to write, and we've both written books before although he is more of the non fiction type, and I wrote a horror novel. That's a lot of loss in a very short time span. I suppose it is part of life as we get older, but I also feel like some people really get the short end of the stick with it, and no time to breathe/recover in between loses. That saying, that God doesn't give you more than you can handle.. I never believe that saying because whether or not you can handle it, you don't have a choice. We don't have a choice but to figure it out.

Is that why you have issues with your hands? I read something about it and I was trying to piece it together. Although I would love it, I don't think I will ever own a dog. I've always wanted one but apartment living and my long (12 hour) night shifts really wouldn't make it easy to have one. It wouldn't be fair to the dog. Maybe one day when I'm working less or retired I will adopt an older dog that needs a home.

I've always said that most veterinarians are just like, if not worse than mechanics. I was very saddened to read what happened to you and Giselle at the vet. She was a gorgeous dog. I find it hard to trust veterinarians too because of some negative past experiences. It has taught me to never let my guard down no matter what, which can be very hard to do especially in the midst of watching your loved one suffer. Even now, as I try and deal with Nile's sickness as best I can, I question everything. I don't pretend to be a doctor either, but it is my right to question what the so-called professionals are doing. I will not get taken advantage of again while being overwhelmed with anticipatory grief. I do hope that you won't deny yourself the gift of another lovely furry family member because of your horrible experience because it's not really fair to you or the animal that would have a wonderful life with you. But I totally get it, and you do sound like you have your mind made up.

Hey Sweetpuff, I've decided I will for sure get those x-rays on Monday because if there is an issue we should start treating it now. And if there isn't any issues I will stop giving you the pain medication because I feel like it isn't doing anything except make you very drowsy and it is changing your mood and personality. I don't like it. I doubt you do. If the x-rays show you need pain meds then so be it, we will cross that bridge when we get there. I love you bud. So much!!!

December 9th, 2021 Hello my sweetest little Nile, I regret having consumed edibles today. It's my day off and I wanted to relax a bit, and watch tv. I like days where you, Sylvester and I sit on the couch like a bunch of lazy potatoes! But when I went to clean the litter boxes, I noticed 2 little droplets of blood on the floor just outside one of the boxes. Are you still suffering from that urinary tract infection? I called the vet right away to see how quick I could book you in. Too quick, they had one opening (with a different doctor) in one hour. I had to decline because I wasn't in any condition to drive. The guilt burned through me, you saw me cry, I know you did. I'm so sorry about this Nile. I have a list of numbers for emergency vets should things get worse, but for the time being I have you booked for Monday, December 13th at 1400. I'm frustrated too because I don't understand how the doctor didn't know your infection wasn't gone when we saw her yesterday. Why didn't she suggest a urinalysis instead of an x-ray? Why did she tell the doctor that would have seen me within the hour that you needed an x-ray when this wasn't about your hind legs, but your infection? Of course, I'm not a doctor so I won't pretend to be an expert. I'm just wary because of what our last vet put Beck through. He suffered until his very last day on earth because of her greed. I won't let that happen to you Nile, I promise. But at least your appetite meds are helping, you were so ravenous today. I've never seen a cat go to town on a loaf of bread like that... bad kitty!!! Going forward I will hide any non-feline food items from you... at least until you are near the end of your life. I will let you eat anything you want for treats because at that point it won't matter anyways.

December 8th, 2021 Hello my little man. You did well during your follow-up appointment. This time you didn't mind the car ride but seemed nervous when we got to the vet clinic. Do you know something I don't? You weighed in at 3.6 kg again. I was relieved because I thought you had maybe lost some weight. We can't have that. You're already so little. The doctor says you might have some muscle deterioration in your hind end. I thought I noticed a bit of an arch in your walk. I wasn't sure and I sometimes don't trust my perception because of my anxiety. I need to start listening to myself a bit more because I can't just dismiss signs like this. I requested an appetite stimulant since you're so picky with your food. I can't let you cheat anymore, not with your kidney disease. For now you're on a strict diet of kidney care food but your weight needs to come up, or in the least it has to stay the same. We'll see if a medication will help with that. The doctor wants to do x-rays on your hips and legs to confirm the muscle wasting. I declined the x-rays today, I wanted to try a pain medication first to see if that helps because I really haven't noticed you struggle with climbing up on things or getting to your usual lounging spots. We have to report back to the doctor in 4 to 5 days to let her know how the meds are working out.

November 3rd, 2021 Hi Nile, I really thought everything was fine but the doctor called today with some bad news; you have stage 2 kidney disease and a urinary tract infection. You've always been prone to those infections, this is your third. You didn't show any signs this time that you were in pain. Tough little guy. You don't need to hide it, you know. But I get it. It's in your nature to hide any weakness. Let's just focus on getting you healthy, my little man. I'm staying late at work today since I'm already half way to the vet clinic from here. I'm going to take a nap in the lunchroom while I wait for them to open, then I will pick up your antibiotics. See you in the morning. I will expect my hello kisses at the door!

October 28, 2021 Nile, I'm so glad I took you for that checkup today. You hated the car ride but loved the visit with the kind veterinarian. Even when she took your temperature you were so relaxed. I don't know that I would stay as composed having something put in my butt! You liked the new office too - you immediately found that little cubby in the wall and made yourself comfortable. It is a nice office. I think it is a big improvement compared to the last one. But it wasn't all bad, the last clinic. They might have had greed in their hearts but they did save your life when you needed emergency surgery in 2016. You were well looked after. Today you weighed in at 3.6kg, so you had gained just a little bit of weight since your last checkup a year ago. Good job!!

I remember leaving the vet clinic after Sphinx was euthanized. I walked out the door and to my car. A man that was parked next to me got out of his car and smiled at me and said, "hi." It took everything in me not to break down, I managed to smile and say hi back. I drove away fighting the urge to break down. I made it halfway home until I was stopped at a red light. This little red car was stopped beside me, a bit ahead of my car and I could see the license plate: Ohana. I couldn't hold back the tears when I saw that. (Ohana is from the movie Lilo and Stitch, my favourite Disney film) Ohana means "family" and family means that no one gets left behind. I feel that 100% for pets, once you adopt, you don't give them up. They are family and should be treated as such. When Beck took his last breath I was holding him in my arms in the only clean blanket I had left in the house; a Lilo and Stitch blanket. I think seeing that license plate was a sign that Beck was watching out for me that day and letting me know Sphinx made it home to be with him.

Thank you Kayc, and yes her story does need telling. Funny too, because she never stopped talking. It's been quiet at home since she's been gone. I'm grateful I had 13 years with Sphinx. I found her in the summer of 2007. My mom, brother, sister and I were leaving town to head to a lake for a day of swimming and tanning. I was driving, and she dashed across the street and tried to jump up on the sidewalk but missed and rolled back onto the road. I just narrowly avoided running her over. I immediately pulled over and started running after her. She ran into a parking lot nearby and right up the engine of a large truck. The owner of the truck saw what was happening and came out from whatever business he was inside. He walked over to us and said, "I know how to take care of this," and got into his truck. I thought for sure he was going to start the engine and kill her, I don't know why, maybe it was the way he spoke, but instead he returned and handed me a pair of work gloves so I could retrieve her without getting scratched or bitten. I caught her, took her to the humane society and told them to call me if no one claimed her. They called back a week later and I took her to her forever home. It's a lovely memory as well because that day we went to the lake was the last time my family hung out together as a family. Sphinx tripped jumping the curb because someone had physically abused her and she had some broken bones. People are so cruel. I was meant to find her, that much is certain. Her life started off bad, but she had 13 wonderful years before cancer took her, and although it's a sad ending, I know her death was okay too because I didn't let her suffer. And I got to be there with her until she took her last breath.

51 is very young. My dad died at 52. So much time left to live and experience life. What a shame. I suffer from anxiety too, and following my mother's death it definitely skyrocketed. I've never had such intense, debilitating panic attacks as I did for a few years after she passed away. Sleep paralysis and night terrors too. Did you ever have dreams about your husband right after he died? Like, just normal dreams of everyday life? That happened to me after mom died and it was so painful for me because I would wake up and realize she was still gone, in a way it was like grieving her over again, or sometimes I would get confused and think her cancer and death was just a dream and that she was still alive. I can understand why people go crazy in bereavement. Your article is wonderful, thanks for sharing. It stands true for all losses and not just spouses as you said. It's just too bad some points have become a little more difficult now due to the current state of things (like going out, since where I reside we are very limited.) I've thought about volunteering but if I did it would have to have something to do with animals. Maybe once Nile makes his journey home to his older siblings, I will foster some senior kitties. But for now he's my main focus.

Thank you Marty for saying that and taking the time to read it

I held on to anger with my father's death too. He committed suicide when I was still in high school and he also had an alcohol addiction which I'm sure helped him make the choice to take his life. What is frustrating is that he was sober from the time I was about 2 to when I was 13, but in 1992 my mom left him and he went back to the bottle. It was downhill from there. He missed out on years with his children because of it. I wish I had gotten to know him better. He's almost just a faded memory at this point and I hate that. Do you think that writing a letter to your father could help? Just write everything you wished you had gotten a chance to say and do, as an outlet for your anger. It might help bring some closure too. When my mother was in hospice care I took some time to write one to her and tried to remember everything I wanted to say, anything I felt I wanted to apologize for, anything she did that I was grateful for... It just seemed easier for me to write it down rather than try to say it while in her hospital room where it could be stressful - I knew I would forget something if I didn't write it down. She read it only days before her condition worsened and she lost almost all lucidity. It's not exactly the closure I wanted but it was at least something I could work with. I might write a letter to my father one day, I'm just not ready to do it yet. I'm not angry with him anymore, over time I learned to forgive. I had to see it from his point of view, he was sick and his sickness is what killed him. I just wish he had made better decisions.

I have a way with words, I know! Thank you. It really has been trying for me. I really feel defeated at this point. Just when I start to pick up the pieces something else bad happens. Maybe defeated isn't the right word either, because I haven't given up. I just don't want to fight the pain and stay angry anymore. It's an impossible fight. I just have to go with it. I re-read this entire thread and you are right when you said to live in the moment and not in the past; my brother told me that same thing just last week and for some reason it really sunk in this time. And not just being in the moment instead of dwelling in the past, but the future too. It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about what might happen. I can't keep doing that to myself. My brother recommended the book "The Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz, so along with the heated blanket for Nile, I ordered a copy of it on Amazon. A gift for him and a gift for me. I'm heating up his blanket as I type this, in a few minutes I will get to see if he likes it. Arlie was a beautiful dog! I just finished reading your blog on this site, I love the way you shared those stories. You had me both laughing and crying throughout, I needed to do both this morning so thank you for sharing. And a 25 year old cat is an amazing feat! Kitty was a tough cookie so it's no wonder she lived for so long. I only wish one of mine would live that long but I will remember what you said and remind myself that "everyday day with Nile is a good day" because that is so true and instead of focusing on the negative (or the inevitable future) I need to focus on being here and now for him. He's a very affectionate cat, I come home from work and the first thing I do is pick him up and say "hello" and he will lick my nose a few times, which I call my daily "hello kisses." He's amazing and I'm lucky that I took him for that checkup last month because if I hadn't, who knows how long until he started showing signs of illness. Bringing him in that day most likely bought me more time with him. The way you brought home Arlie from the shelter was a bit like the way I met Beck. I walked into the room, looked at a few cats and then I saw him in the back and I knew he was the one. Beck knew it too. We had such a close bond, one I don't believe I will ever have again in my lifetime. Each bond is unique with each pet of course, but Beck was on a different level. I hadn't even taken him out of the enclosure he was in, I grabbed the adoption form and took it to the front and said "I want this cat." I remember the lady looked at me funny and asked if I at least wanted to hold him first. I said yes, but I knew it wouldn't change anything. And it didn't. He was my soulmate and I knew the moment I laid my eyes on him. I don't have a blog but I did write a story about Sphinx and her journey to the Meadows. I will share it in the pet loss section. It was a very therapeutic thing for me to write. I'm glad too that I've been browsing the forum a little more this time, because between you and one other thread I found about about giving vaccinations to older cats. I had never heard of that being dangerous before. I will keep that in mind next time I adopt an older animal, if there is a next time. And once again, thank you for your reply. It is very much appreciated.

I woke up and mum was laying in bed beside me. I moved my head over a little so I can give her some good morning kisses. She gave me a smile but I could see sadness in her eyes. I didn't understand why. I know I haven't been feeling well for the last few days, but the day before mum got me some medication. It helped to make me feel a little better even though I am still very tired for some reason. Mum carefully got up trying not to disturb me. She went to the kitchen. I didn't like that! I'm still sick, was she getting ready for work? Was she going to leave me here alone and frightened for hours? I have to stop her! I'm weak but I can walk... sort of. By the time I reach the end of the hallway my legs couldn't hold me up anymore and I fell. Mum! Help! I was so relieved when she came around the corner and took me in her arms. She knows I'm scared. She tells me that I am also brave, and assures me that she's not leaving me. I let myself relax... maybe a little too much... and I had an accident. Mum grabbed the roll of paper-towel and began to dry me off. I'm trying not to be embarrassed because I didn't mean to do it. I'm just not feeling very well today. Soon after we're in her car. I'm not in a carrier this time. I'm wrapped in a soft red blanket. Mum is petting me in between shifting gears and at red lights. She's telling me not to cry, that I'm going home now. I don't really understand what she means because we just left home, but I trust her so I sit calmly while enjoying her gentle pets on my head and neck. Next, mum is taking me out of the car and carrying me inside a building. I know this building, I was just here yesterday. This is where the nice man gave me some medication to make me feel a little better. We are taken to a room and mum sits down with me in her arms, still wrapped in that nice warm blanket. I know mum is very sad now. She's got tears in her eyes and she is trying not to let them fall. But she can't hide it from me. I don't just see that she is sad, I can feel it too. She is telling me that she loves me and to not be scared, I'm going home soon. After a few more minutes a nurse comes into the room. She says that she is going to give me a needle, just a little prick. I'm so tired that I barely felt it. The nurse called me a good girl and told me that I was brave. Mum put her head down and kissed me again, then whispered, "I told you that you were brave." Those are the last words I heard mum say. I fell asleep and woke up somewhere else. As I opened my eyes, I could see my big brother! I had missed him so much!! "You made it!" Beck says to me. "Where are we?" I ask. "We're at the meadows. It's perfect here, you'll love it!" I look around. "Where's mum?" "Mum isn't here yet," he explains. "We have to wait for her." I didn't understand. How did I get all the way out here if she hadn't come with me? Beck lovingly explained that mum had made the difficult decision to let me go so I wouldn't have to be in pain. I remembered her tears and her sadness before I left earth and finally, I understood. She had saved me from pain but in exchange now she was the one who was left feeling pain. That didn't seem fair at all! "She'll be fine, she will just need some time to grieve. Now it's our job to look out for her like she did for us all those years. She might not see us but she can feel us. I promise." Beck assured me. "She knows we're here waiting for her. We'll see her when it's her time to come home." Sphinx (left) and Beck (right)

Here again, and right on time for the holidays. It has been 10 years since my mother passed away. While I am happy that she doesn't have to deal with all the craziness in the world right now, I wish she was still here, because she was always my voice of reason. This is a terrifying time. I was looking at my post history and I never mentioned my two losses from 2020: My two girls Sphinx and Cleo. To many people animals are "just pets" and I get that. But to me they are my family. I adopted Sphinx in 2007, she was a stray. Beautiful girl, a snowshoe. My little Binxie-queen. She passed away in May 2020... well, I made the decision to let her go once leukemia riddled her little body. I have no regrets about the euthanasia, but how I miss her!!! Cleo was a sweet and tiny senior kitty I adopted a few weeks after my soulmate Beck passed away. I wanted to help another senior like Beck because so many people adopt younger. Cleo was sick when I adopted her in Feb 2019 and she died on Mar 2nd 2020. Although I had a lot of time to prepare her death was hard. We can never prepare ourselves for these things. On Nov 3rd of this year my last kitty, Nile was diagnosed with stage 2 kidney disease. That news was so devastating. He seemed okay, I only took him to the vet for his yearly checkup. He went from healthy to that in only a year. So much like the year 2011, I am once again in the midst of anticipatory grief. I'm doing my best to take care of him with a special diet and a medication. He's still losing weight though. I bought him a heated blanket yesterday from Amazon, it arrived last night but I am at work. I go home in two hours and I can't wait to give him his gift. I know he will love it!!! I always catch him sitting on the top of Orangey's terrarium (my bearded dragon) because of the heat lamp and ceramic heat emitter. He's not supposed to be up there, I don't like it and I don't think Orangey does either. Plus I worry he will burn himself. I keep him out of the room where orangey is while I am not at home for that reason. But he loves heat so I think he will really appreciate his new blanket. Maybe I'm posting this in the wrong section since this is not the pet loss section, but he is still with me and I know he and I will keep fighting to keep him here until it is time for him to join his older brother, and two older sisters at the meadows. I just wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff. I'm lonely. I still haven't dated since the last a**hole I went out with, not much has changed. My brother decided to move 4 hours away once covid started. I work nights and live alone. So here I am. Thank you @kaycfor all your help in the past. I hope you are well. And happy holidays to everyone here despite how difficult they may be for us. EDIT: Wanted to add a picture of Nile, it's a little before/after image I made of him. The top left is him at 4 weeks old on the day I got him in 2007, and the bottom is him from 2020. He's soft, just all soft - physically and personality-wise

I noticed the same thing after my mom died. My grief was inconvenient for them. I lost a few friends during that time too, mostly because we lost touch as I didn't nave the strength to make calls, visit etc. I don't understand how people can be so cold. It was the same after my dad died too, but because it was a suicide at the time I thought that was why... also I was in high school and kids that age aren't particularly mature either... but it was a very hard thing to go through. I really don't think I've dealt with my father's death, I just sort of put it away in a neat box and it still sits there waiting to be opened. One of my friends lost her husband last year, they were high school sweethearts. I can't even imagine the pain of losing a spouse, I can appreciate that it took you three years to even process. I'm on this forum and a few others, I do find that posting and reading about other people's losses does help. Usually anyways. But I have bipolar disorder and when I posted that yesterday I wasn't feeling well at all. Today, I see a little more colour in the world. Tomorrow I may smile. It's a daily struggle and I hate being negative but it's exhausting to fight sometimes. My mom was always there for me with my mental illness, she knew when she was dying that I would struggle and I know it broke her heart. I try my hardest because I don't want to disappoint her. I will try another therapist soon, I think because my work benefits cover it. I just hope I can find a good one that won't rebook or cancel the appointments. You are right, no one will notice if I don't try. I need to work on my self worth and I have a friend (Albeit online and he lives far away) but he has been a huge help. He is always willing to listen, I am very grateful for him. Thank you so much for your response Kayc, I truly appreciate it. I will try and post here a little more, it's a good healthy outlet and I need (and deserve) that.

I don't know where to turn to anymore. I'm not living, I'm surviving. I am never happy. Ever since Beck died last year I've cut anyone out of my life that has wronged me, even over the smallest things. I don't know if it's good or bad. But every time I lose someone I become more reclusive. Over the years friends have always made me come to them, and I don't want to do it anymore. Why can't they come to me? Why does it always have to be a one sided effort? I don't want to do it anymore, I feel like I am worth some effort at least. Because I don't put in the one sided effort anymore I'm always alone... but I was alone before, wasn't I? I've always grieved alone. Grief is my companion. Whenever I start to see light he comes back and wraps his arms around me in a dark caress. I don't apologize anymore, I use to apologize all the time, even when things weren't my fault. I refuse to apologize now even when they are. I don't like the person I am becoming. But I'm not living, I'm just surviving anyways, so it I guess it really doesn't matter anymore. I found a therapist earlier in the year, but in a span of two months she has cancelled 4 appointments. It was killing me - we were doing EMDR therapy. She would open my wounds then leave me bleeding for weeks in between sessions. I found myself in such a dark place while seeing her that I finally cancelled the rest of my appointments. I feel like everywhere I turn I hit a wall. Why even try? I wish I could embrace the beauty in the world but I just don't see it. The only time I see colour in this black and white world is when I drop flowers on my mother's grave.

Hi Kayc and thank you for your response. I'm sorry about the loss of your husband. You are lucky too because you got to experience what love is like even though the more you love someone, the more it hurts when they pass away. I still cling to the hope that maybe someday that will happen for me too. I still can't bring myself to date however, I think it will be a long time before I let someone get close to me again. I've once again been visited by grief. My cat Sphinx was diagnosed with leukemia earlier this year and passed away on May 28th. I'm still reeling from the pain of losing her especially so soon after losing Beck. At her age I thought she would live to be as old as Beck. It isn't fair. But I get that life isn't fair of course, it is what it is. I think the hardest part was dealing with her sickness, the back and forth to the vets and the euthanasia through covid curbside service. It was awful. But she gave me 13 wonderful years, there is always a positive side.