To start I will introduce myself - My name is Novi and I have just discovered this forum today, which is unfortunate.
This is unfortunate for the obvious reason; we are all here to mourn the loss of a loved one.
This is also unfortunate because for the past three months I've dealt with something called "anticipatory grief" without realizing it.
It was only a few days ago that I was made aware of this type of grief, so I searched and found this place.
In mid- July I discovered a forum while searching for the 5 stages of grief, so this is my story from last summer:
I have a picture of my mother and I, taken on July 1st at the Canada Day celebrations. We both looked happy and healthy, full of energy and smiling from ear to ear as we watched the beautiful fireworks explode in the sky.
There is a good chance that this photo will be the last one taken. I really hope it is not.
By July 15th my mother, my angel, had become so sick she could hardly get out of bed. By July 25th, renal cell cancer was confirmed, prognosis not good. It was on August 8th that a death sentence was announced - stage 4 renal cell cancer that had metastasized to her lungs; 1 year to live, up to 5 years if the "pills" work. It is now August 17th and she still has not received these "pills". She struggles for every breath. It's destroying me inside watching her suffer but I want to be there for her for both moral and every day support.
Our family is small, just my mother, brother and I. My dad passed away years ago and my sister has moved away and quit talking to us. Last I heard she was expecting a baby girl for October 1st. A grand-daughter my mother will never have the pleasure of meeting.
What is really upsetting is how friends react. I experienced this 13 years ago when my father died by suicide - people recoiled and I was left to mourn very much alone. All this time I thought it was the manner of his death that pushed people away, but now with this new tragedy I realize that the best way to cope is alone. People (even those who have experienced loss) do not know how to react in these situations or perhaps they simply don't care. I've already quit talking to a few people, sadly.
I hope I would do better if a friend needed a shoulder to cry on.
In this past month my outlook of life has changed drastically. I don't think I am quite the same person anymore, I don't see things the same way. My sense of humour is gone. I used to work out, now I don't see the point. I treat each day as though it were the last, and I never used to do that. I've also become angry to the point where I am scaring myself.
I supposed I just really needed to get this out, and I've found that it is easier for me to talk about it in 'type', rather than 'verbal'. I tend to get less emotional this way.
I did not want to post this in the "lost mom's" section, because she has not become an Angel yet. But to me this could be considered a grievous loss; with only a year left to live she will probably never be able to have a great day like we did on July 1st. Her quality of life has been taken from her and this is a tremendous loss for her, and everyone close to her that love her very much.
I would also like to say thank-you for this site. In such trying times, it is a place to find comfort and support.
~Novi
I was still in the "anger" stage then, I think. This has improved a great deal since then, my mom even made a comment last week on how calm I appeared. So I am ready to write part two of my anticipatory grief letter:
Books and doctors promised her good days and bad days. The good days never came, but somehow mom remained pleasant. She is so strong.
The pamphlets told lies of how exercising, such as taking a short walk when feeling mellon collie over one's sickness can help the cancer patient feel better...
But the cancer has moved to her spine and paralyzed her. I am still amazed that my mom walked with the help of a walker until October 14th. She is so stubborn.
That was the day she was rushed to the hospital for an emergency MRI. I'll never forget the ambulance ride, how she took my hand and asked me if I was okay. I think she knew I was holding back tears, she saw right through my brave face.
They found a tumor in the t9 vertebrae. Radiation treatment started that day. She's been in palliative care since.
The doctors started to suspect that the cancer has metastasized to her brain and wanted to do more tests. Mom didn't want more tests, she just wanted to be comfortable until she died. She is now in a drug induced coma and has been since November 6th. My brother and I had to make this difficult decision for mom. She hadn't slept in two and a half days, and none of the sedatives were having any effect at all anymore. She was getting delirious. I feel somehow that I have betrayed her, because beneath the hallucinations and impaired speech I know my mom was still aware. I could see it in her eyes, but she was trapped inside.
So now she lies in a coma in palliative care, while we wait for her to take her last breath. The doctors say she has about a week left, but I'm not sure how many days ago it was since they told me that.
Thank-you for listening,
~Novi
