Novi

I had just turned 31 when my mom passed away. Like you, she was my world too. The day she passed I was stopped at a red light and watching traffic, people... the world was just normal, it was just another day. I selfishly wondered how the world could just keep on turning when the person that meant the world to me was gone. My grief was so fresh and I wasn't thinking logically. Although I felt selfish, I also feel that it was okay to make it about myself at that time. I don't think you should feel any guilt in that. I'm sorry for your loss.

Nile, Took a while to get your results back, the vet was sick with the flu. I hope she makes a complete recovery. But she finally called today and told me that your nearing the end of stage 2 kidney disease. You also have low potassium so she is going to prescribe a supplement. It's not great news but it could be worse. At least your weight is the same. I might need to make an effort to wake up mid-day to give you an extra meal to try and help you gain just a little more. Sylvester's 2nd birthday is in a week so I will have to come up with a creative way to make a cake you can both share. Or maybe this time I will make you each your own, I know you love tuna but you can't have too much of it. Maybe I will make him a cake with the tuna and drain the water and mix that in your cake. I'll come up with something that you will both enjoy. Love you! XOXO

Hi Nile, Tomorrow morning we're taking you for blood work, urinalysis and a weigh in. I'm hoping for good news! I know you won't be happy but I'll be sure to give you treats when it is all said and done. Love you much

Two years ago she left for the meadows. I adopted her on Feb 28 2019, almost a month after my soulmate Beck passed away. She was 17 and I adopted her as a way of coping with losing Beck. I had specifically sought out a senior kitty because I knew not all animals are as lucky as Beck. I know I gave him a wonderful life from start to finish. Cleo had been thrown out by her owners because she had become ill (kidney disease) and when I saw her profile on a non-profit organization I immediately applied to adopt. She was such a tiny, gentle little soul. I have more pictures than memories. But I remember the little things, like how she would wait expectantly as I folded my laundry and instead of putting my clothes away I would put them back in the basket with a towel on top so she could enjoy the warmth. Or how everyday before I left for work I would fill up a hot water balloon and place it at the foot of the bed so she could fall asleep nice and hot while I was away. I suppose this is different because I took her in knowing she was coming home to pass away. She lived with me a little over a year and passed away at the old age of 18. It still hurts tho, no matter the circumstances. And every life should be celebrated. Miss you my little old ladybug.

It's been 10 years for me. It's a sad time when I say that I'm glad she died when she did because if she had been sick now I couldn't have been there for her. I can't believe what's happened to my country. I feel like I will be joining my parents soon, sadly.

Happy birthday mom. Tu me manques. I often wonder how you would feel about the chaos in the world today. We never saw eye to eye with certain things, I'm sure we would have argued a lot. But I also know we would have agreed to disagree and remain united. I love you.

I'm sorry for your losses. After a trauma involving a bad relationship, I ended up losing weight to the point where I thought my heart would give out on me. My situation is different than yours I think because I just stopped eating altogether until I was forced to get help. It got better once I started to cope with what had happened. But I think your weight loss is definitely a symptom of your grief. My brother moved away last year and I did get anxiety from it. He's the only person I have in my life (other than my cats) so I completely understand the anxiety and panic you are dealing with, especially at a time like now. Talking helps, it's just very hard to find people to listen.

I don't think it's just because he's unempathetic, I think he trained himself to be stoic after our dad died. He took it hard, and I have guilt about not being there for him. We were split up after his death and it wasn't until years later that he told me how it had affected him. He was only twelve when it happened and as a result he was left abandoned by his dad, along with the taboo that suicide is for the weak. He grew up trying to compensate for that in different ways like joining extreme sports and fighting a lot. As silly as this is he also told me that for awhile he insisted on using a big spoon for everything he ate that required a spoon because he thought adults used the big ones and that he needed to be an adult. At twelve this is going through his mind. I wish I was there for him. We were supposed to write a book together that my mom and I started writing. She started it and I finished it when she was too sick to continue. We just documented her illness in a day by day journal and I was left with hundreds of pages of notes which my brother and I were going to compile into a book. But he told me he isn't ready yet to relive those memories, so I know he does feel he's just afraid to show emotion. Thanks Marty. I've actually read all of those links already. It's never occurred to me to share some of them with my brother. He loves to read so I could probably see if they can help. I especially loved your response to the person who said animal grief didn't belong here. It was to the point and very elegantly put.

My brother always tells me that when I feel down I can always call him to talk to him. I've done that in the past but I don't anymore because he's not easy to talk to. And now he wonders why I don't talk to him anymore.. I want to tell him why but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I understand that everyone reacts differently to grief but I worry about the way he deals with it. He never talks about it. If I bring up feeling sad on a holiday, or a death day, his response is "it's just another day, quit putting so much emphasis on it." When I tried to express being sad over the loss of my cats, he tells me "why do you adopt them in the first place if you just end up being upset when they die?" Maybe he's not wrong about the death anniversary thing, I don't know but what I do know is that my mind just doesn't work that way. I can't just shut it off like he can. Is it healthy that he just puts everything aside and forgets about it? We never talk about the loss of mom and dad. It's just really hard to talk to him about these things because he's just put up a wall. How do I tell him the real reason I don't approach him with my grief without hurting him? I know it's not his fault, he wants to be there for me. We only have each other family-wise and I find that friends and colleagues are impossible to talk to.

To my soulmate, Beck: It's been three years now. The entire world changed after you left. Words cannot even begin to describe how much I miss you. For sixteen years you made my life so much better. I wear some of your ashes in a sapphire necklace, I call it my "Becklace." I know you were watching out for Sphinx and I on her last day on Earth. I was never able to replicate how that necklace reflected the sun and filled the room with brilliant silver and blue light - the way a disco ball reflects specks of light on a dance floor. And I wear this thing every single day. You calmed her and she went back to sleep with your light caressing her. Thank you for your help that day, I needed it. I look forward to seeing you, Sphinx and Cleo again. Take care of Nile when he gets to the meadows! He's still doing well but his kidney disease is a death sentence. I know he misses you all. Love, mum. XOXO In Memory of Beck March 20,2003 - Feb 2, 2019

You weighed in at 4.08kg, you've gained over a pound on this medicine. Keep up the good work little man!!!

Nile, I apologize ahead of time for the car ride that will happen tonight. I decided that since I have to drive to the vet to get your med refill, I would take you with me to have you weighed while there. You've been eating pretty well so I hope the weigh in will show progress. I do suspect you may be showing signs of dementia, but at least it doesn't happen often. I learned there is no treatment for dementia in cats. There's barely any treatment available for dogs as it is, and the science for cats is always half a decade behind dogs, sadly. One day at a time, Nile. We'll make sure you're always safe and warm, and as pain free as possible. Sylvester on the other hand, he is doing okay. I think he will have issues with constipation for his entire life. I was happy the blood on the litter box wasn't yours but sad that Sylvester was in obvious pain. I've been looking online for remedies and I'm going to ask the vet tonight for advice as well. Maybe there is a special kind of food he should be on, just like yourself.

I'm glad you did that. He deserves recognition. I've always thought that in most cases of aggression with dogs it's lack of proper training. The dog can't be blamed for not being taught and it's sad when these things happen.

Good for you @aleck1998 I had read this thread before but I wasn't sure what to say (I'm the last one to give relationship advice!!) I'm very happy that you have found ways to look out for you and cope. It sounds like you are doing very well. I wish you the best and hope you find someone that deserves you!

I'm sorry for your loss. Joe was beautiful. It pains me to hear he was just a second thought on someone's facebook post. I don't have facebook but if I did and one of my companion animals died, they would have their own unique post in celebration of their life and the loss of it.

Nile, I never expected to start having health issues with your little brother but I suppose I always knew the possibility was there especially since he's had similar issues such as coming from a not so stellar home from birth, to having cryptorchidism just like yourself. It's okay though, I trust my vet so we will ensure you are both looked after. I'm very glad you are still eating well and when I pick you up I can feel you've put on more weight. Love you much!

It was so funny to see you and Sylvester this morning... the way you both reacted to me when I arrived home from work. Yes, that was dog you smelled, I was hanging out with a beautiful pitbull/boxer mix at work. Even though you looked confused and sniffed my face when I picked you up, I still got my hello kisses from you. I was deemed "acceptable" even though I was hanging out with another companion animal. And good news Nile! No car ride on Friday, Sylvester ate today and he ate well! He was just a little plugged up poor little guy. I will get you weighed at the doctor's once the weather warms up. Keep up the good work with eating all your food... both you and little brother!

It was okay. First Christmas I've ever spent alone, I did struggle with that a bit. I miss my mom so much during the holidays because she loved to celebrate. She used to buy my cats little stockings stuffed with toys and treats. I tried to find some like that but the pet store only had stockings for dogs. So instead I bought them each a pet bed/blanket, which they loved right away, and a bunch of toys. Even Nile played with some for a bit. It was a peaceful but lonely day. I'm sorry to hear you had issues with electricity. A real bummer about the generlink too, that's a lot of money gone to waste. Hopefully the new year brings better luck.

It would seem that Sylvester is trying to be just like his older brother... at least I hope that's all it is. I know you have always been picky with your food, but why isn't Sylvester eating now? I sit at work hours worried about both of you. He's booked to see the doctor Friday morning so I guess we'll find out soon why he's not eating. If he wasn't acting like his regular rambunctious self, I would certainly be more concerned. Maybe I'll bring you too and the three of us can have a little field trip. I can check your weight at the same time.

I didn't know there was a name for it (there's a name for everything, I shouldn't be surprised!) Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear you missed out because of the weather. Holidays can be so difficult without additional help. I had decided to go on a trip to visit my brother, but the rental company called to say they didn't have my rental anymore. It's okay tho because I had a bad feeling, both because of the stress it would have on Nile, and also because the roads are so bad. I might plan a trip in the spring instead, I think. Thanks, you as well.

Well Nile, When I was off of work yesterday I hung around and waited so that way I could go to our vet's office and get the rest of your meds. I figured while I was there I would ask the doctor for a sedative, so the long drive north would be easier on you... ultimately it was whether or not I could get the sedative that would have the final say with this trip. Getting there first thing as they opened, the receptionist caught the doctor before she was going in to do a surgery and we got you the sedatives. I had a bad feeling about going but I got everything ready for you, Sylvester and Orangey. I was worried about leaving those two alone for so long. And of course, worried about how you would handle the trip. So when the car rental place called and said they could no longer accommodate the booking, I was both sad and relieved. I don't think we were meant to take this trip, Nile. We will spend a nice quiet Christmas together at home with the rest of our little family.

I agree with this, they are better than most people for sure. My sister has always seen them as accessories, she had a dog about 15 years ago and the poor thing was so mistreated. She didn't realize how much work they were and after awhile I suppose the novelty wore off. She abandoned the dog (the dog's name was Dakota) and I took Dakota in for awhile and then rehomed her. I sincerely hope she had a good life because she deserved nothing but the best. I cried on the drive home after dropping her off to her new owners and to this day I still feel guilt about giving her away, but at that time in my life I wasn't ready for the responsibility of a dog. It just wouldn't have been fair to Dakota. Why do people think this? Does it make it easier for them? "Oh it's okay, you're just feeling the pain of losing your mom again." NO!! I'm feeling a new pain, I'm grieving for someone else!!! It's almost like because you've suffered one loss that the rest should be a walk in the park. It doesn't work like that. I might.. I'm not sure. I just don't remember much other than my sister's screams waking me up in the middle of the night. Last year I had a counselor that introduced me to EMDR therapy. I was very interested in trying it. We started but never finished because the counselor kept canceling my appointments at the last minute and because we were starting to bring up repressed memories, I felt it was too difficult to continue with the amount of time left between sessions due to all the cancellations. It felt like she would rip off the scab and leave me bleeding. I've lost faith in therapy, I've had far more negative experiences than good. If I don't come back online before, I wish you a very merry Christmas. Thank you for all the support/responses. They help a lot.

Nile, Never more than now do I wish you could speak. I'm torn... My brother has invited me over for Christmas and because you need medication and also need to have your food intake monitored, I would have to bring you with me. It's a four hour drive one way, and we would stay for two to three days. I really want to go and hang out with others for Christmas because I spend most of my time alone and the thought of spending Christmas alone makes my stomach hurt. But the thought of hurting you with the stress of a four hours drive there and then another four on the drive back, spending upwards of three days somewhere strange with a cat and a dog... I know you don't like car rides and you take days to recover when I move into a new apartment (which thankfully hasn't happened for a long time now.) I would never forgive myself if this made your kidney disease worse, or if you changed because of this. I feel like I have to choose between my mental health and your well being. I have to decide before the morning because as a Christmas gift my brother will pay for a rental car since mine needs repairs and leaving town with it is just not safe. I love you Nile.

Hi baby, Although your health seems stable I want to continue writing you. I feel that it helps me somehow. It's so nice to see you eating a healthy amount now. The appetite stimulant is working very well. The doctor gave me more and I have non-stop refills too. We will see if we can get you to a nice, healthy weight. You've been back to your normal affectionate self too, even tho you seemed fine prior to your checkup in October, I can see now you weren't 100% yourself. Now you are Mr Nile again. The kidney care food and the Aventi powder I mix into it must be working well. You and Sylvester also enjoyed your cheese snack this morning, except now instead of a full tube for each of you, I give you each half of one. I don't think Sylvester minds that he's only getting half. I have to limit what I give you that isn't kidney care but I still want you to have snacks and those are your favourite (other than the string lace treats you loved but they've discontinued those for some reason.) But once things are beyond repair with your health I will give you anything you want to eat. I want you to enjoy the last bit of your life as much as possible. I learned from Beck, because he loved LOVED food and he died eating medicated stuff he hated. By the time I realized it didn't matter he could barely eat anything at all. I took that joy from him and I regret that but the least I can do is learn from it. I know in my heart he forgives me. I was just trying to do my best even if I made some mistakes. If I learn from them, then it isn't in vain.

I just don't like to offend anyone by making any comparisons, it's not intentional because I see our pets as our equals. I've been laughed at for saying that, but I don't care, it's truly how I feel. When Beck passed away I had someone say that, not in a mean way, but they sad that my grief was "compounded" with the loss of my mom. I don't think so either. Beck was my soulmate and I know that. There is no bond that can replace that which you have with a soulmate. Can you have more than one? That is a very good question actually. I don't see why not. I love my other cats very much but the bond isn't the same. Beck understood me somehow, he knew when I was sad. He was always there for me after my mom died. I guess if anything his death was made harder because I didn't have a lot of support when he passed away. And yes, the intensity of grief is definitely related to the relationship you had with the deceased. It would be unfair to say that my mother's death was harder on me than Beck's death because it wasn't, they were both very hard. I was really close to my mom but I didn't see her everyday. I saw her almost every week though, Friday night were pizza and wine night for us. I miss those nights. We would make homemade pizza too. I have a lot of good memories to hold on to and keep me going. I grieve the loss of Beck, Sphinx and Cleo constantly. I still cry a lot. With mom it's different. Like for example on another forum I'm on someone started a thread about how homemade pumpkin pie is so much better than store bought, or the filling you get in a can. My mom made the best homemade pies. When we were kids we would decorate pumpkins the day before Halloween, and then right when Halloween was over she would chop them up and make pies before the pumpkins had a chance to go bad. But when I read that thread on the forum, it was almost like someone had punched me hard in the gut and I was stunted for a good solid minute before I started to cry uncontrollably. That doesn't happen with Beck. I just think of him often, and sometimes I will let myself cry for a moment. Suicide is a strange thing... it is a selfish act but it is also selfish of people to force others to keep living when they don't want to. I imagine to take your own life you would have to be suffering a lot. I don't remember the days leading up to my father's death. I was a confused teen, I had just moved back in after an altercation with him months prior where he kicked me out. I had lived on friends couches the whole time, and I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I just remember waking up to my sister's screams and I went to the garage where she and I tried to revive him. After that everything is a blur. I still don't remember much. One day I will need to deal with that loss, I know I haven't and it might come back to bite me in the ass. I went from being angry at him, to forgiving him but feeling nothing. I still feel nothing, nor do I cry over his death. I cried at his funeral and that was the first and only time I did. But I don't believe he went to hell. He was a good man, and he meant well. He was sick and that illness is what killed him. Even though my mom left him on her deathbed she told me she never stopped loving him but that he was just very difficult to be with. She wasn't wrong. Thank you. It has been tough but it's also made me humble and strong. (((hugs)))