Lina

Thank you so much for sharing these links and the book recommendations. I truly appreciate it very much. *hugs*

Is this normal...the moments of forgetting he is gone? It was all so sudden. Sometimes it does not feel real. My daughter and I will be doing our normal day stuff and I will think about how Arthur should be home in a few hours and then suddenly I remember he isn't coming home...he is never coming home. It is like learning for the first time all over again. Arthur died three weeks ago...I saw him at the viewing. I touched his hair, his hand, stroked his face...he was not in there...but still it does not feel real. It is like that was someone else and MY Arthur is still out there somewhere...I am just waiting for him to come home. I feel like deep inside I don't really know he is gone. I am still waiting for him. My whole body aches to hug him...I miss hugging him so bad. I miss his smell, the sound of his voice, holding his hand, being able to talk to him about my day and asking him about his. I miss all his quirks. I miss his smile. I miss how funny he was...he always brightened my day and made the world feel less serious and over whelming. I miss watching him with Sophia my daughter...he was able to be for her what I can't...silly, fun and light hearted. I miss the hope and the dreams for the future. I miss planning for our 'forever home' and our future babies...I miss knowing I was going to get to spend the rest of my life with the man I love. I miss him so much. He was my best friend, half of my heart and soul. I feel hollow without him. It just seems so inconceivable that one moment he was here and the next he was gone. It just does not feel like it can be real. It does not seem like it can be possible. Surely something this horrible can't be real. I keep on waiting to wake up. I keep on waiting for him to wake me up from this nightmare and give me a hug and tell me everything is ok.

*hugs* I can only imagine how hard it would be to lose my mother around the same time as losing my husband. The loss of my Arthur has been a true devastation...adding another layer to the grief, well there truly are no words. *hugs* I am so sorry.

Thank you. *hugs*

I am so terribly sorry. For me when I need to cry I find a quiet time and place and watch a sad movie, listen to poignant music or look through old pictures...sometime finding the right tool can help. *Hugs* For me that time is after my daughter goes to sleep...the house is quiet and I can go through old emails, pictures and videos and cry and cry and cry. *hugs*

I am so sorry. *hugs* I wish I could make it better for you.

I know this will sound odd to some, but the last couple of weeks since my Arthur died I feel like he is still with me and trying to make sure I will be ok. The days right after he died when I lay in bed it felt like he held me. I could almost feel him against my back. And then my sliding glass door started locking itself every time I closed it. For a week it did this, not so much anymore, but I still love thinking about it because Arthur was always very safety conscious. His mom found a check unexpectedly that had been lost...it was an old paycheck that expires on the 29th...she found that the day after he died. And then when I was sweeping the dining room a financial statement kind of got launched out from under a book shelf. It had information that I really needed and had been trying to find. Also last week I kept on getting really strong whiffs of the smell of flowers. My Arthur loved plants and I have always associated the smell of flowers with Arthur. He used to put small handfuls in his shirt pocket so when I hugged him I would smell flowers. Anyway I smelled Rosemary really strong in the bedroom, Lilac in the kitchen and Lavender also another time. Lilacs are not in season here yet, but when we went to Missouri for Spring break right before he died they were and he had put a bunch in his pocket. I am attatching a picture of my Arthur being a goofball with the lilacs in the background. My beloved LOVED plants so much. I always joked that if I lost him on a walk all I had to do was look for the nearest plant and I would find him. I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced something like this?

Thank you all so much. I wish none of us knew how this feels. *hugs* Lina

*hugs* I am so sorry. I understand.

I talk to my Arthur all the time. Mostly when my daughter is asleep. She told me it kind of freaks her out when I talk about him as if he is still here. I also called his cellphone right after he died to tell him I loved him.

I honestly don't know how to write this. I want to reach out for support and help, but it is so hard to get started. I met my Arthur almost two years ago...our two year anniversary for our first date is May 4th. He was mine and I was his from the very start. Sometimes you just know and we did. I loved him with every breath and every cell of my being. The one year anniversary of our wedding will be on June 5th. We were married for ten months and three days. We knew his blood pressure and cholesterol was a bit high, but he was only 36 so no one was overly concerned. The Dr.'s put him on baby aspirin and niacin (just to be on the safe side) and told him to lose a bit of weight. He kept on telling me he just needed to lose his 20 lbs and he would be fine. Easter was a beautiful day. We got up a bit early and joined his mom and sisters at his moms favorite restaurant for brunch. Betty (his mom) had brought some plastic eggs along for Arthur to hide for my daughter Sophia to find. Arthur hid them in the little garden behind the restaurant and we all enjoyed watching Sophia search for them. We drove home and then it was time for Arthur to get ready for work. My Arthur was an RN at a local VA hospital. As a veteran he really liked helping other veterans. He worked the 3:30 - Midnight shift. He clocked out a bit early at 11:30 so that he could focus on finishing up some charts before coming home and having his two days off. He was found at 11:40 pm slumped over his papers without a pulse. They tried really hard to save him, but it was too late. They called the time of death at 12:19 AM on April, 9th 2012. If he could have been saved he was in the perfect place. He was surrounded by nurses, at a hospital and very loved. I know they did everything possible to save him. I am so grateful he was not driving home when it happened. I keep on thinking he could have gotten in an accident and taken others with him. My Arthur always came home at 12:35 AM...I would stay up and wait for him. He would always call me if he were going to be even ten minutes late. The one time he forgot to call he came home to me bawling my eyes out scared he had gotten in a car accident. That night he did not call and he was late. I knew something was horribly wrong when 1:30 rolled around. Right around 1:40 there was a knock at the door...it was the sheriff chaplain. I asked "is Arthur ok?" and he told me that my Arthur had died at work. The Chaplain was wonderful and stayed with me and my daughter until my mom could drive up. He was with us for an hour. I don't really remember what he said to me...it is kind of a blur. I called my mom and told her I needed her and then I called my best friend. I then spent the next three hours trying to call his mom and sister. The first two days were horrible. I wanted to see Arthur so bad so I could know it was real. I felt like I was going insane waiting for the sound of his car. We had to wait to see him because the M.E. wanted to do an autopsy. Arthur was only 36 so they wanted to make sure he died of natural causes. Finally they released him to the memorial home and gave us a cause of death. Arthur had Ischemic Heart Disease. Looking back I can see the signs, but at the time we did not know. There was no way to know that he was more tired because he was not getting enough blood flow and that the cough he got when he bicycled was due to heart issues. We thought he was allergic to my cats or sensitive to milk...or something else random. We had a private (just family) viewing on the 11th and the memorial service on Saturday the 14th. Getting to see Arthur helped....I spent almost two hours with him, talking to him, petting his hair and telling him how much I loved him. I am so grateful I was able to see him. The grief was not lessened, but I no longer felt like I was going nuts and the urge to kill myself got a little bit quieter. I hired the Pastor who did our wedding to come speak at Arthur's memorial service. It was a private service help outside under the trees and looking out at a lake. His family was there as were a lot of his coworkers. It truly was beautiful. The first week was a blur...the last week has been filled with panicked moments of uncertainty. He was so young and did not expect to die so there was no will. We are trying to figure out if I will be able to stay in this house, if I can keep our pets...the uncertainty is so scary. All I want to do is grieve, but I have an eight year old daughter and pets who all need me. I hate all of it. I hate having to get death certificates. I hate having to go to the social security office tomorrow. I hate the idea of filing for his life insurance through his work. Every time I have to fill something out telling the world that Arthur is gone I feel like I lose a little more of him. I did make an appointment today to see a grief counselor on May 4th...it will be the 2 year anniversary of meeting Arthur and I know I am going to need help dealing with that. I need to get to a point where I don't cry all day. My daughter is worried about me. She misses Arthur also, but I don't think she understands why I cry constantly. I am so grateful to his family...they have all told me that I am still part of the family. They were so supportive and truly allowed me to make the choices I needed to make. They supported me when I said I wanted him cremated so I could bring him home and have him with me. They understood when I insisted the viewing be just family...and they were supportive when I said the memorial service had to be outside, rain or shine. We were married outdoors and my Arthur loved plants. I could not bear the idea of the memorial service being in a building. My Arthur was a good man, a wonderful stepfather and a really good husband. I feel blessed that he was mine...I just wish we had more time. I feel horribly cheated...he promised me 50 years and babies...we were trying to have babies together. From the moment we met we were not out of contact...while dating we sent 4-10 emails every day...we talked on the phone daily and we did not go for longer then three days in a row without seeing each other even though we had opposite schedules and lived an hour apart. These last two weeks of not seeing him, talking to him or hugging him have been hell. The idea of never getting another Arthur hug makes me feel like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I keep on waiting to bleed to death because I can't imagine surviving pain like this.

That is so wonderful that your garden has been such a source of hope and comfort. My Arthur loved to garden and our yard if full of plants that are rushing towards spring. They are reminding me that even though it feels like my world is over life continues.

Melina, Please forgive me if this is something you have already considered and eliminated as an option, but have you considered getting a pet? I know that a pet will not fill the hole left by your husband, but having someone waiting for you when you get home who looks forward to seeing you and who loves you might help a tiny bit. My beloved Arthur died on Easter and truly the only thing getting me through is that I have someone who needs me. I do not think I could survive this right now if I had an empty home. The silence would kill me. I know you said you have a very busy work schedule so maybe a dog would be harder to manage, but cats are very good at being independent while you are at work and they are very good company. *hugs* Lina

I have seven messages on my cellphone from my Arthur...I re-save them regularly and have been trying to get a good recording of them on my computer. I have a horrible fear of losing them. I also have a few short videos I took with my cellphone and camera. I feel like an Arthur hoarder...I have been frantically gathering videos, pictures, voice clips and stories (memories) since he died on Easter. I have this intense terror that I will forget something about him.