Lina

It is kind of funny...Arthur was not a 'tattoo person' either, but as a friend pointed out to me...tattoos are for the person getting them, not the person parted. I figure Arthur won't be upset with me for getting it and it is a comfort to me.

I understand...I would give anything to have Arthur and our life together back. We were incredibly happy and it seems horribly unfair that our life together ended so soon.

I agree, just let the tears out....when it is time you will stop needing to cry as often, but I suspect the tears will continue to come for a while. I know I still cry regularly and I have decided to just accept it.

This is my anniversary present to myself. I really like how it turned out and I love how it has our wedding colors. Arthur wore green and I wore purple. My wrist is sore as all get out, but I love it and I am very glad I did it. *hugs* and Love, Lina

That is wonderful. I have found that writing my beloved helps also. Sometimes I don't know what to write in a journal, but I always have things I want to tell Arthur.

The only thing I know is that I want to get to a point where I can be happy again. I know Arthur would want me to be OK. I put a sign up on the wall that says "I will do more than survive, I will THRIVE." I am working hard to make sure I don't suppress this pain. As much as it is so hard to imagine a future without Arthur, I also can't imagine Arthur wanting me to ever give up. He was a fighter...he used to say he had the heart of a warrior. He would want me to fight to be happy again. I don't know what I will be doing in six months let alone six years...but I have to believe that I will feel more at peace and happier then I do now. With that in mind I just ordered myself a hammock....so I can spend hours this summer swaying under the trees in the backyard feeling, thinking and hopefully healing. I have also been working to make sure I go out. I have been connecting with my friends. I have also been making sure I take care of the practical stuff so that I have choices even if I don't know what I want those choices to be. Mostly I haven't been allowing myself to shut down no matter how much I want to. June is such an intense month for me...between our wedding anniversary on the 5th (two days ago) and my 37th birthday on the 26th....it is just a really hard month to have him gone.

Anthony, I am glad reading my story and posts made you feel like you could be understood here. I wish neither one of us needed this board though. *hugs* I have asked myself if having warning would have helped and honestly I can't decide. I would have liked to have had a chance to say goodbye. I said goodbye when he left for work...our typical kiss and hug and me making him promise he will drive carefully. I know that the last thing I said to him is that I loved him and that does help. The thing about that first week that really stands out is a intense feeling as though I was going insane. I just had such a hard time believing it was true, but then I did not get to see him for almost three days after he died. The M.E. took a while to release his body since they had to make sure he died of natural causes given how young he was. So part of me wishes I had more warning before he died, but I also know he wanted to "die on his feet" doing what he loved and he loved being an RN and so in a way if he had to go so young going at work doing something he believed in was good. Arthur was the one who knew what he wanted from life. I have always been less directed. All of this has left me feeling very adrift. I am praying for you also. This pain is so indescribable. People keep on telling me they don't know what to say and I always tell them there are no words, but that I understand.

I am so sorry for your loss. Suddenly losing your beloved like that...without warning is so very traumatic. I lost my husband very suddenly on Easter so I understand. I have been amazed by how welcoming, supportive and helpful everyone is here. *hugs* I am sorry you need to be here, but am glad you found us.

I do feel angry sometimes...sometimes at him, most of the time at the universe. Most of the time I simply miss him horribly. I truly feel like half of my heart is gone. The missing is horrible.

I am so very sorry. I am not in your situation of having lost both parents. I am so sorry for your losses. There is never a time in our lives when we are ready to lose our parents. Losing someone so very important does make you feel like your life has suddenly tilted off its axis and everything has shifted. The world feels off kilter and nothing feels right. I think that feeling of panic is also normal. I know I have felt that a great deal since losing my husband. *hugs* In many ways dealing with all the horrible practicalities of death has been one of the hardest parts of this. You are hit by waves of grief that make you want to hide from the world and yet you have no choice but deal with legalities and stuff. Sorting through a loved ones stuff is so very difficult. I have found it heart wrenching and I have not had to go through a whole house. *hugs* I am so sorry you have had to deal with this on your own. I have had problems with people speaking thoughtlessly also. Even people close to me make stupid comments without thought...one person made some comment about not being able to sleep with her dog and having to settle with sleeping with her husband. I wanted to cry because there is little in this world that I would love more right now then to have my husband available to sleep with. People don't think about their words and I guess truly they can't always think about them...but still comments like that hurt. I am not in your situation, but do understand how it feels to be devastated by loss. You are not alone. *hugs*

When Arthur was alive I knew where our life was going. He had specific life goals and I was happy to support them. He was an RN and had goals professionally. We had dreams for our 'forever home' and how many kids we were going to have. Truly Arthur had his whole life planned out and since my goal was simply to be with him, have a family and a home I was happy to support him in reaching those goals. Now that he is gone I feel a drift. I lost my husband, my best friend and the life we had planned together. Now I am not sure what I want. I know 36 is to young to give up on life. My husband is dead, but I am not...there is a good chance I could live another 30 or 40+ years. I need to do something with that time, but I am not sure what I want. I mean I know I want Arthur back, but that is not a choice. I have enough money for right now to think about this...but I will have to figure something out eventually. I am going to have to get a job, or start a business of some sort or do something...both for financial reasons and simply so I am living rather than simply existing. I have lived so much of my life based on what others wanted. I went to college because it was expected of me. I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life so I randomly picked a major. I majored in Psychology because it seemed like an easy major. I realized as I was graduating that I could not think of anything I wanted to do with that major. I have never had big goals in life. I want to be happy. I want to be a mom. I want a home. Basically my life dream was to be a stay at home mom...which I was...but now I am going to have to find another dream. I have to figure out how to keep my home, feed my daughter and find another 'happy place' in life. This all feels so huge and scary. I feel silly saying that I am scared because there are too many choices when so many people in this world don't have any at all...but it is how I feel. The world is so big and I am not sure which life path to take.

I am thinking of getting a tattoo of Arthur's name on my wrist. It is funny, I always swore I would never get anyone's name tattooed onto my body...but as a friend pointed out it is not like I am ever planning on breaking up with him and anyone who I find in the future to love will have to understand that I am never going to stop loving Arthur. I haven't decided if I will get the color or just the black outline. Green was Arthur's favorite color and purple is mine...they were our wedding colors. He wore green and I wore purple...

What an amazing experience. *hugs*

*hugs* I am so sorry...losing your beloved is such a horrible thing to have to live through. I always prayed that we would go together. I was terrified of this loss. I lost my husband eight weeks ago. He was 36 and dropped dead at work due to an unknown heart problem. I still feel like I am reeling around in shock over his loss. I agree about the signs. I have seen them all over the place. I have a slide show on my computer that is supposed to be random but more then half the time it shows the same two pictures...the one of him looking at me with his eyes full of love and the one where he has his arms around me and we are just about to kiss. The signs I see have been a huge comfort to me and remind me that even though he is gone he will always love me.

What a wonderful trip...I think it your Dick would be very proud of you for going on this cruise to Alaska. I am so glad you are going with friends.

I am so sorry. What a horrible roller coaster you went through. *hugs*

I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. *hugs* what your brother did was wrong, horrible and left you and your mom in a very scary situation. I am so relieved that nothing really horrible happened as a consequence. Your anger is reasonable. You have a right to feel this way. My concern is how your anger is affecting you. Your anger is not helping you or your mom. It is not hurting your brother. The only person it is affecting now is you. I know it is hard to forgive something this big, but until you are able to forgive and let it go the anger will continue to live inside you. *hugs*

Most people are terrified of death and loss. We are reminders that this kind of loss is real and possible...even for them. It is sadly very normal for people to hide from that which they fear. In a way people disappearing is almost logical. It is horrible, but logical. It is like being covered in spiders in a room full of arachnophobics. I have two people who have almost completely disappeared from my life. My step sister and one of my best friends. Both of them are young and deeply devoted to their beloveds. My loss shouts out to the world that being young (36) is no guarantee that you are safe and that you can't suddenly lose the love of your life or die. Arthur was young and seemed very healthy. The people who have really been there for me are those who have dealt with big losses also. My mom, My grandfather, my step-grandma and Arthur's family. The other person who has really been here for me is my best friend Fran. She is in another state, but she has been amazing. She was the second person I called. Fran and I have a friendship that in many ways is very deep because we have been together for so many losses. She was there for me when I lost my uncle to AIDS and when her mom died (I literally moved in with her for the first week.) I truly feel your best bet of finding support is going to someone who has walked this path. That is why I am so grateful to this board. I know you all understand. *hugs*

I still have numb times, but I also cry everyday. Arthur has been dead for seven weeks and I already feel exhausted by all the pain, grief and loneliness. I am so sorry you feel so alone. *hugs* I wish there was some way I could help. I worry about what would happen if I died. I am very blessed to have my mom still alive. I have arranged for her to contact me almost every day because I have this fear that I will die and my pets and daughter will be here alone with my body. I have also told Sophia how to call for help, but it still scares me. There is something about losing someone that makes your own death seem a lot more possible. *hugs*

I am so sorry for your loss. Your Jackson sounds like a wonderful baby. *hugs*

In the past I told people that I do not grieve for those who have left, but rather for those left behind. I know my beloved Arthur is ok now. While he would have done anything to stay with us and he would have fought hard to stay by my side if he had been given a chance to do so...he is ok now. I think I would go insane if I did not believe with all my heart and soul that my Arthur is ok. I am the one who is not ok...who feels like my heart has been ripped out and got cremated with my husband. I feel like half of me is missing. I miss our quiet times. I miss being held in his arms before falling asleep. I miss his skin, his smell, the sound of his heart....he was so incredibly strong...he seemed so amazingly healthy. I truly believed he would out live me. To have him drop dead at 36 seems so wrong. I feel so cheated. We had so many dreams and plans. We were going to have babies...I wish I could have had his baby...I was waiting to test when he died...I hate those negative pregnancy tests. I know I would have always been scared that our child would have inherited his heart issue, but still I wish I could have his baby with me now. He knew he wanted to be a daddy since he was a teenager. I am so grateful he got to be a stepfather, but I truly wish he could have experienced the joy of holding his baby in his arms.

Thank you guys. This whole experience has left me feeling so helpless. More then anything else in this world I want him back and there is absolutely nothing I can do to make that happen. No matter how much I pray, beg, cry...he is never coming back. My only choice is to accept...and yet the idea of accepting he is truly gone feels so hard and impossible.

I 'liked' your page on facebook. *hugs*

I am so very glad you have rediscovered your beloved...what a wonderful gift. Losing the person who makes the world feel worthwhile is beyond expression. Thank you for sharing your story and memories with us.

I have always been one of those people who hated crying in front of people (or even just by myself)...I am not sure if I considered it a weakness or if I simply hate feeling this vulnerable. But today I can't seem to stop crying. I just miss him so much. There is so much I need to get done, but all I seem to be able to do is cry. I miss him so much and the idea of him being gone forever feels like more then I can survive. I miss the feeling of numbness...as much as denial feels weird it truly was a nice buffer. The last couple of days I seem to have lost that buffer. Everything reminds me he is gone. Doing dishes, going to bed, making dinner...brushing my teeth...everything.