Lina

Please come here to talk about this...that is why this board is here and why we are all here. We need to talk about it and hearing what others are experiencing helps us all to know we are not alone. I have also been experiencing a lot of depression...especially the last couple of days. It has almost been four months for me and I am also starting to realize he is not coming back. For a long time I found myself almost thinking about it as something I had to get through and then if I just made my way through, it would be ok, and he would be back somehow...obviously I knew rationally that was not possible, but the irrational parts of me seem to play all kinds of head games with me. Sometimes I almost feel as though he is simply in the other part of the house and I find myself listening for him and watching for him to come around the corner. Losing someone so amazingly dear and central to my being has proven to be almost more than I can take. There are days I do not feel sane and where I feel as though I am holding on to my last shreds of sanity. I don't let go because I have a nine year old who really needs me still. Sorry for the rambling...I guess I am trying to say you are not alone. As for looking at pictures...do so if YOU think it will help. I look back at old pictures from time to time...sometimes it helps and other times it feels like I am digging a knife into my heart and I just want to scream.

*hugs* I am so glad you made it through July and things will be calming down so you can take the time to heal and relax.

I am sorry. The only advice I have is to give yourself time (I know that is no help and everyone says that...sorry.) I would also "unfriend" this guy. Seeing that he is online and that he is posting is just causing you more pain. If no one interests you right now you are not ready. When your heart is ready the interest will return. *hugs* For now maybe you can focus on getting to know yourself and learning to love you. You are worth knowing and loving. *hugs*

I used Meetup also when I was looking for a social group for my daughter who has aspergers.

2boysmom, I am so very sorry for your loss. *hugs* My husband also died from heart issues. I have a nine year old daughter and initially I tried to hold it all together for her, until I realized that she needs to know it is ok to grieve and the best way to teach her that is to allow myself to grieve in front of her. I try not to wail, but I do cry in front of her (sometimes a lot). I explained to her that grieving is normal. When you love someone and they die you grieve for them. I also explained that everyone grieves in their own way and it is ok to grieve as you need to. If you need to cry then that is ok and if you do not need to cry that is ok also. *hugs*

*gentle hugs* I am so sorry. I agree with you...the fact that you spent so much time talking to this new guy about Dragon means you are not ready. I know I am not ready. I can not go more then a brief period of time before I start talking about Arthur. I think I need to get to the point where I feel that I am ENOUGH. No other man will ever replace Arthur, so until I can love someone for themselves and not as an attempt to find someone to fill in for my beloved...well I guess I need to wait a while. That has not been easy. I did have someone who told me he was interested in dating me. I talked to him online for a while before I realized how very unready I am. *Hugs* I am sending lots of prayers, positive thoughts and love your way.

Yes that pictures depicts how I felt after Arthur died...especially that first week. I am sorry you have also experienced such grief and loss.

I have thought about this a lot. I found myself desperately thinking about jumping into another relationship right away as though it would somehow 'fix' my heart. Thankfully I realized I need to give myself time and have made a 'no dating for the first year' rule for myself since I tend to leap into things before I think. That said I do know that eventually I will want to date again. I am not sure if I ever want to marry again, but then maybe I will. If all goes well I will have a good long while left to live and I do not want to spend all of that time alone...especially once my daughter goes off and has her own life. Right now she is only 9 years old and we spend a lot of time together, but eventually she is going to want to be away from me and this house is going to feel very lonely. My grandfather remarried after my grandmother died and honestly my mother and I were really glad he did. I tend to think that wanting another relationship is a compliment to our beloveds. Its is saying that being in a relationship with them was so wonderful we want to be in another. I also personally believe that my Arthur would want me to find love again and be happy. I just think he would want me to take my time and make sure I was finding the right person not just A person.

*big hugs* I am so sorry. I was telling my mom it is like having half of you amputated. Truly horrible.

That is so sweet and wonderful. I really do think our loved ones send us messages and let us know they love us and are still watching out for us. *hugs* I am so glad Mike was able to send you that newspaper.

*big hugs* Change is always hard and leaving behind a home with so many memories...well yes that would be bittersweet.

*hugs*

The one that touches me the most is one you have on your signature, I saw it my first day on this board and it has given me a lot of hope and reminded me that Arthur will ALWAYS be with me and I will never be truly alone. It is what inspired my memorial tattoo of his name inside a heart.... “I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)” E.E. Cummings The rest of these are things I saved in PinTerest. In all things it is better to HOPE than to DESPAIR. Von Goethe Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. Earl Grollman To love life, to love it even when you have no stomach for it and everything you’ve held dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands, your throat filled with the silt of it. When grief sits with you, its tropical heat thickening the air, heavy as water more fit for gills than lungs; when grief weights you like your own flesh only more of it, an obesity of grief, you think, How can a body withstand this? Then you hold life like a face between your palms, a plain face, no charming smile, no violet eyes, and you say, yes, I will take you I will love you, again. Ellen Bass Grief isn’t something you get over it’s something you get through. Alan Pedersen We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. Joseph Campbell

*hugs* Thank you....you all have been so wonderful. I am not sure how I would get through this all without you guys to talk to. I can't really talk to my friends about this all and my mom is willing to listen, but I think it makes her sad when she hears how messed up I feel sometimes. Knowing you all have experienced this, or at least your individual version of this grief makes me feel safe to be honest and raw with you all when I need to. I wish none of us had to go through this. I have discovered crying is not quiet...thankfully my daughter is a really good sleeper and we have sound insulation in the walls to cut back on how much sound carries in this house.

It seems every night I start crying and I can't stop. Most days now I can get through the daylight hours without breaking down, but then night rolls around, my daughter goes to bed and I put the dogs to bed also...and then I just cry and cry. Arthur has been dead for three months and four days....I dread the day I have to come to grips that he has been dead longer then he was my love. We were together for 1 year 11 months and 5 days....we were married for 10 months and 4 days....I am so scared of the moment when I have missed him longer then I got to hold him. Today I started going through the piles of stuff in the garage that never got unpacked after my daughter and I moved in with Arthur a month and a half before our wedding. It was hard...seeing things that have been in boxes for over a year...it was like I was unpacking a life that was "before Arthur" and all mixed in with that are things of Arthur's that got moved out to make room for Sophia and myself....so they were things of Arthur's that were from "before me"...it is weird and painful and confusing. Sorting someones stuff after they die feels kind of like going through their underwear drawer...embarrassing and like you are some kind of voyeur. There is nothing I could find that would make me love him less and in a way I feel honored to be the one to do this. I would rather it be me then anyone else. I have started feeling guilty when I bring up Arthur...it is like now that it has been three months I should be over it and bringing him up around my friends and such just feels awkward and like I am going to make people uncomfortable. My mom is cool...she never makes me feel bad for talking about him. I can talk about him around my daughter also, but she is a child and does not need to deal with my grief as well as her own. With my in laws I feel guilty for anything I do to try to go on with my life. They never say anything to make me feel that way...I just do. I seem to be the queen of guilty feelings. One moment feeling guilty for trying to heal and next feeling guilty for not healing fast enough. Emotions really suck sometimes....all this makes me feel so overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed by my emotions. I am overwhelmed by how much I have to figure out how to do now that Arthur is not here. I am overwhelmed by my life. I keep on finding myself saying "Arthur should be here to help me with this." I feel so angry that he is gone. I feel abandoned...not really by him...I know he would have stayed if he could. He never would have left me on purpose.

*gentle hugs* I am so sorry. What a violation and to have something so precious stolen.

I am so sorry. *hugs*

*hugs* Beautifully expressed.

I am so sorry for you loss. I understand that feeling...it is like your heart has been ripped out and you are bleeding internally, but no one can see it and no one can fix it...I am told time helps and I do know that now at three months since my husband died I am doing a bit better then I was at one month....still sucks...still hurts...still makes me mad as all get out...I still cry a lot...but I am also functioning a tiny bit better...not a ton, but a bit...so I guess that is progress.

I have some really wonderful online friends that I have been 'talking' with since we were all pregnant and had due dates in June of 2003. We have been friends for almost ten years I still love them all, but I am really struggling right now dealing with the normal ups and downs of their lives. I feel jealous when I hear that one of them is pregnant...it makes me think about how Arthur and I really wanted to have more kids together. I want to hurt someone when they complain about small annoyances with their spouses...and I honestly want to scream at one of them because she is upset about having to marry her beloved of seven years on someone else's time schedule....yes I know it sucks that she can't have the big wedding she wants, but her beloved is healthy, eager to marry her and is buying her a new house so she and her son can have somewhere safe and comfortable to live when they join him in Texas where they are moving due to job availability and a more affordable lifestyle. I want to tell her she is being ungrateful. I would give anything to have my beloved back and she is bitching that things are not going exactly as she dreamed. I know her feelings are valid, but I just don't have any patience. I hate feeling so mean spirited. There are times where I feel like Arthur took my compassion, empathy and patience with him.

*big hugs* I can't give you any btdt advice, but I am sending you love, hugs and lots of warm thoughts.

Thank you for sharing. I have considered doing this, but don't feel ready. For now I find great comfort in all the big and small ways my Arthur seems to communicate with me.

*hugs* I understand...there are days where facing the world feels too hard.

I honestly am not sure I was totally sane right after Arthur died. I was very irrational and obsessed with bringing him home. If they would have let me bring him home un-cremated I probably would have tried to do so. That was not an option (thankfully), so I had him cremated and brought his ashes home as soon as I could. They are in my bedroom on a bookshelf where I can see them...there are also pictures on the shelf and some of his stuff (glasses, an angel statue he liked and the necklace he gave me while we were dating, etc.) I tend to talk more to his picture then to the urn (a wood box with his name carved on it), but I like knowing he is there. I told my mom that when I die I want to be cremated and then I want to be sprinkled somewhere out in the woods with Arthur. I plan on keeping his ashes until I die. I did give a small amount to his mom. My Arthur was a big guy (6'4") and given his youth his bones were still really dense so not all the ashes fit in the urn. I gave his mom the extra box of ashes. I did look at them....just like I looked at him (his shell) at the viewing...I needed to know he was not in there anymore. I needed to KNOW he was really dead. For me so much of this has seem very unreal. I have had times where my grip on reality has seemed very tenuous.

I talk to Arthur, it feels comforting to have conversations with him.