feralfae

Kay, I just was closing down for the night, and saw the weather report for your area. Can you call someone to come plow if it gets to be too much for you? They are forecasting a lot more snow your way. We are forecasted for a bit less. I am going to try to keep up with it, but will call the plow guy if it gets too deep. You take it as easy as you can. I realized this afternoon that I am back to my old habit of engaging in lots of physical activity when something is weighing on my mind, as my grandson's situation is. My bedroom is rearranged and spotless and sparkling. But I am not carrying any worry. I am just going to keep praying about this, and ask G*d for a leading. It always works. Have a good night of cozy sleep. There will be plenty of time tomorrow for us to face the snow. *<twinkles>*

Yes, it was terrible. They wanted the women's purses and the men's wallets, not any of the lab stuff. They were just robbing peaceful people who work in a quiet setting with not much to rob except the people. It is really awful. (Probably) the same robbers hit a medical lab that processes specimens last week, in the research park about a half mile away, and took all the wallets and purses of the workers from their lockers and desks. Really scary. My grandson tried to protect the women who worked for him. That is when he got shot in the leg. He is totally traumatized. So glad they did not do worse. I can see the snow falling over on the Divide, but it is not due here for another couple of hours. You take care and pace yourself with the shoveling. Maybe shovel for 15 minutes then come in for cocoa or hot tea, and relax for a little while. Then go back out. I've been stacking firewood this morning and re-arranging my bedroom (finally!) after all these years of not wanting to change things around. But I am obviously taking a break right now for a little while, just to rest. You be sure to take it easy as you shovel. *<twinkles>*

Yes, I think we got half an inch. It is -3˚F outside right now. i"ve yet to build a fire, but my dear young friend delivered another cord of firewood yesterday, then we sat around and talked about Doug for two hours. He and Doug had fished together a couple of times, and now his friend occasionally beings fresh fish and huckleberries to me, as well as my firewood. I pay him for the delivered firewood of course. But I don't stoke the stove at night: then the house heat takes over. It is my older grandson, who has been running his own lab. He is not doing well at all. He had not even told his parents about the armed robbery at his office, nor about him being shot in the leg during the robbery. The police have not caught the robber(s). My grandson may limp the rest of this life. I think he is deciding to go back on campus to do his research, even if the pay is about half what he was making. It will be a lot safer. Three labs were robbed the same day in the same research park. I am upset and concerned and very worried about his emotional state right now. I'll be talking with him again today, I hope. Meanwhile, I am still sorting things, although today I plan to make ghee, clean the upper level, and then make a grocery run for a shut-in friend. It is truly cold outside this morning. Kay, I hope you are staying warm. Gwen, I am sending all good thoughts your way, and will be in touch later today. *<twinkles>*

My older daughter called last evening about Mother's things and also about the property in the estate—lots of land. I think we got all that straightened out, but I found out my older godson is not doing well. But also, she suggested that maybe we should go on a cruise this spring, take my grandsons, and she and her husband would host the entire adventure. I am going to stay on my own healing path, and see how I am doing by the first day of spring. Meanwhile, I am sorting papers and books from Mother, and also vowing to keep clearing my own things so that my life will be simpler and my estate smaller when I go. But I hope to live a lot longer, and to enjoy life more each year. It has taken eight years to come out of grief this far, and I know I still have a ways to go. Sorting books and papers has been a distraction from my loneliness, and I am very thankful for my dear girlfriends here as well as my Sunday meeting. I think Mother was far more isolated, especially when she lived in the middle of the huge home place, miles from anyone. I am making an effort to be more social and to have more human contact, but it is not easy, and I hope once I get through all this sorting of papers and books, I will be more determined to do more volunteer work when I am not out in the field doing research. I hope everyone has a good week. Kay, you take it easy with the shoveling. Gwen, I am keeping you in prayer to be well and recovered and feeling better. Much love to all, *<twinkles>*

Gwen, I have been reading some of these posts this morning before I go to meeting, and I see that you are having pneumonia issues. Apparently, for some things I have read, grief can settle in the lungs. I guess it is fairly common. I am so sorry you have this additional burden of illness besides the grief. I will be thinking of you today and keeping you in my prayers. Yes, it is so hard to find purpose, to find a reason to go on after we lose our spouses. I think that is one reason I have held on to so many of Doug's things after all the years of caring for him—caring for his things has been a part of my purpose since he left. I am only slowly letting go of his papers, computers, so many things. Yet my heart still aches as I let go of even the small things. I hope you are feeling better. Please be as gentle and compassionate with yourself as you can, dear one. For all of us, I am keeping the goal and intention to be feeling a lot better, stronger, and healthier by the first day of Spring. I am determined to keep up my physical therapy and good living habits. Anything to get healthier. I hope you are doing the same. Much love to you, Gwen. *<twinkles>*

Oh, gosh Kay! Thank you for the weather report. It does sound daunting. Yikes! At least it isn't all in one day, but that is a lot of snow to shovel in a very few days. Sorting through papers, feeling I am getting to know my mother better than I ever did growing up. I imagine the years of distance, and knowing she is free and happy now, out of pain and fear, is a huge relief and also makes it all right to love her now. Amazing cycles of grief. Stay cozy! *<twinkles>*

Oh Kay, that is too much snow. We are expecting two or three days of snow, which I imagine is your snow heading toward us. I am trying to decide if I have the energy to fly out for Richard's memorial service. I sent the photos to his wife via FedEx. I opened the box of books this morning. On top was one of my own books: Smithsonian Ethnology Bulletin #30, Volume 1, published in 1912, a survey of Indians of North America. I have no idea when I might have left it with Mother. Probably while I was still at NU. I thought I'd left it with other books at NU thirty years ago. I am so very happy to have it back. There are some good math books in the box as well. More notes and marginal notes to read. I hope you have enough heat and that you and Kodie can stay in. Be cozy, and stay warm. I must call the plow guy today to get on his plowing schedule, and I have another load of firewood coming just in case we lose all power. The clouds are dark and heavy this morning, and there is a brisk wind. I imagine the weather is the same, but sooner, where you are. We get your storms a couple days after you, I think. *<twinkles>*

Kay, I am so very sorry you lost your dear Kitty. 25 years is a good long life, but I know you will miss her presence in the house. I visited a friend who is a shut-in yesterday to take her groceries to her, and she has one cat who is her constant companion. I am glad you have Kodie there with you for company. We have snow and winter is definitely here, as it is 3˚F this morning. I hope you are staying cozy and don't have too much snow to shovel. I am going to open the last box of Mother's books later. My cousin said there are still lots of papers and notebooks to sort, so I may have more things coming. She found some poems Mother wrote. I did not know she wrote poetry. Meanwhile, I am gathering photos of Richard that I have, so we can have a "photo wall" at the memorial service. Too many losses. Sorry this is so rambling. *<twinkles>*

Yes, Kay, I guess I am just feeling all these losses especially right now. I have what is probably the last box of Mother's books. I am not going to open it right now, because I am busy helping to plan the memorial service for Richard. His (second) wife does not have a lot of his early history, so I am helping to fill in some of the gaps. Also helping with lists of people who need to be notified. The memorial service for Richard is in 18 days, on the 26th, a Sunday. In February, one of my goddaughters is coming up to help me with sorting more of Doug's things for the godsons. All in all, yes, it does feel just like too much loss and reminders of loss right now. I know I will work through all of this, some of it will recycle yet again, and there will be more grief. I am trying to find enough joy and laughter in life to keep a balance. Have a wonderful rest of the week, dear one. *<twinkles>*

I am thankful for the wonderful compassionate people here. Thank you for the understanding. I have no visitors coming today, and I don't have any visits to make. I picked up one of the math books in which my mother made a lot of notes. In some ways, I am getting to know her in a new way through reading her notes. I think she used her classroom as a distraction from her own fears. There are many notes in text books about making sure doors are locked, not being last to leave the building. She really did live in fear. I think, from her notes, that she was never actually treated for her PTSD. I know they tried different medications when she was hospitalized. But I don't think they used any of the diagnostic and treatment tools we have now. She really tried so hard to be "normal" and to do the right thing. But I think a lot of people could not understand her because they did not know her history. I think my Dad understood her and I know he took care of her all her life, even after they were separated and later divorced. Dad was still there for her. Yesterday, our dear friend Richard, who was David's best man at our wedding, a man who had gone to Colgate with David, and a friend of his for 60+ years, passed away. They had been at the same prep school for a year as well. They were in the same college fraternity. David was best man at Richard's wedding. I was just a guest at that one. All around me, it seems people I have known for many years are leaving. I know it is that time of life. So this is more grief added to the grief for my mother, who I wish I had been able to know better. It is a good quiet Sunday to remember family and friends who are gone, at the beginning of this new year and new decade. I am going to let myself have the day to be sad, to remember, and to release some of the sadness. *<twinkles>*

Kay, I have a reprieve from surgery. The surgeon, who is a kindly chap, had reviewed my medical history and said we would wait a few months for any procedures so my body could heal from all that was done in 2019. Thank you for the well wishing, dear one. Yes, we are who we are and I think that is fine. Each person is unique and a result of their own intentions and of their lives. When I look back, I can see how fortunate I was to have my Grandmother and Dad, and I know my mother would have done better if she could have. She loved teaching, but sometimes would get very confused with her students. She never got tenure because she was not able to be reliable over time. You are right that we find a way to make peace with the parts of our past which need healing, and to let people go when it is time to shift our lives. I have this feeling that 2020 is going to bring more changes to my life, and I am working to understand Mother better, to be more at peace with her inability to care for her children, and to have sympathy and understanding for her, and for her own past which left her so confused and afraid. That she kept the little cards I made for her when she was first committed to a hospital really touched me. I had no idea she ever even looked at them. Reading the notes in her books, seeing the things she saved, is giving me a different view of her thoughts and actions. That in itself is healing for me. Thank you for your insightful words. Happy New Year and Much love, *<twinkles>*

Here it is 2020. Happy New Year everyone. Although I am a lot stronger now, I remember clearly stumbling around after Doug left, feeling nothing but a huge emptiness. It was more than a year before I could feel much of anything. I remember my first smile, because I was driving to town and noticed how beautiful the clouds were. I was surprised that I felt a bit of joy. It really shocked me that I could have that emotion, because I thought I'd never feel any happiness again. It takes as long as it takes, and only yesterday, I was thinking of Doug and the tears started. I was remembering when we had many friends out for a new year's party here at our home. Some of us had been talking about that party, even as we were at another party that was a NYeve, eve party, a party for a friend whose birthday is December 30th. Three friends at the birthday party had also been at our New Year party ten years ago, when Doug was still doing well enough to host the event. I remember the first time after Doug left that I went for a short hike, and how good the sun felt on my skin, but how my aching heart kept pulling me back into the shadows of my grief. Sometimes, I'd go into the hills or mountains and wail at the sky, shaking my fist and so angry, frustrated, feeling guilty for not being able to save Doug no matter how hard we tried. But not, all these years later, I have more good days than sad days, and so I consider that a healing sign. All best wishes to everyone for this new year, and Blessings and of course *<fairy dust>* with much love...*<twinkles>*

Oh, Attempting, of course you must meet and work through your grief and emotional pain in your own way. I was merely offering my experience more for comfort and not at all to confront. I don't think G*d ever makes random choices. I just don't understand most of them. I did not understand why Doug had to leave until he had been gone for some time. We know his cancer was from agent orange, so I think it was evil chemicals more than anyone who caused him to have cancer. I do understand how we wish we could have made better choices, had more options, knew more about cancer. We did not pick the right hospital the first time either, and I carried guilt about that for years. I was sure we could have saved him if we had started at a better hospital. But that was not my fault, or his. We were taking advice from the doctors. I still have guilt sometimes about things I wish I had done better, sooner, with more love. But I know I did the best I could, and while I wish I could say we had all the answers, we did not. And now I live this solo life, only now beginning to find my own solo balance after losing half of me. Peace to your heart. *<twinkles>*

Oh, Keiron, what wise words you have shared, thank you. Attempting, I did much the same when my husband escaped his cancer-ravaged body. I wondered for a long time if one more clinical trial, one more round of an alternative chemo, even after two rounds had failed and the third was underway, when he succumbed to other issues. We did emergency jet ambulance to get him to a trusted surgeon. He did not want to spend the money on the flight, but I knew it was a good choice for him because many of his friends were there, to uplift and support him on his journey. I did not fully understand why I was unstoppably determined to get him to his trusted surgeon and where he had several medical friends. But now I know it was the very best thing he could have done. He called in two of his honest friends, and I left to forage for some cream of rice for him. I will never forget how their eyes had changed when I returned. We never can know why we are led as we are. But we can trust that things will work out for the best. When we are left here, in Life, I sometimes think we feel guilty for any joy we find. But I know Doug went to a greater joy, because I was holding him when he left. I felt his spirit move through my heart, leaving his Infinite Light there even as that same Infinite Light went off to play. He had opened his eyes, he was smiling, and he said, with a beaming grin, "Oh, Wow!" He is no doubt playing somewhere, having much fun, healed from his PTSD and doing something with energy, because that is what he talked about with the Angels before he left. Yes, I think sometimes we do not want to worry those around us, but anticipatory grieving is a necessary condition, especially for spouse caregivers and those very close to the heart of the Spirit now going out to play. If we but knew...it really is All in G*d's hands. The guilt is slow to leave, even as the grief is slow to leave, and it all takes time. Move into it, lean into it, at least stand next to it, hold grief's hand. Take little bits at a time. I hope you have loving and supportive people around you. Peace to your Heart, dear one. *<twinkles>*

Everyone is gone as of yesterday. Friends, godchildren, so many people in and out. Now I am decorating the torte for the birthday party tomorrow afternoon. I must get up early, drop everything for the birthday at a friend's home where the party will be, then drive to Missoula to see the surgeon who is going to repair my inguinal hernia (from lifting a 50# box of clay!) and schedule the surgery for soon, but not tomorrow. Then I drive back for the party, which is on the other side of town, so I will save an hour by dropping things off on my way over. It has been lovely to have Christmas company. I showed some of them the little cards my mother had saved all these years. I used to always see her in my mind wandering around, sort of lost and confused. But now that I saw her happy and enjoying where she was, I am really comforted that she is okay, lucid, functioning well, enjoying each day. I have often wondered what my life would be like had she been normal, but then I realize that this is my life, and all the pieces of it go into making up who I am, and my mother gave me many talents and gifts, not only from her, but from her blood line. So, this coming year, I am hoping I can focus more on the good memories and the good gifts from her. I think she is healed now. Happy New Year, everyone. May all our days be blessed. *<twinkles>*

Sunday morning early. I've been remembering when we would all go to Meeting together, and even some of my uncles and aunts and cousins would be there sometimes, as we sat in silent worship. I remember when one of my great uncles visited and told us about walking across the land when he was a little boy, when they were moved to a new place.I am not sure of the story, as I was only five or six at the time, but I remember his white hair and bright eyes, and how tall he was. He visited us for a week or so, and he made whirling humming "flying songs" for each of us. He showed us how to make snares I remember that. He also helped Mother make a stew while he was there, and I remember going to the grocer with him to buy a huge roast which went into the stew. Then he showed me how to take the meat off the bones. Mother was afraid to let me use a knife, and I used my own little knife to cut up the roast into cubes. Took a long time. We picked herbs from Grandmother's medicine garden to flavor the stew. Mother was very happy that I knew how to make one meal. I still remember all the ingredients. We had a nanny then, and I remember she wrote the recipe and gave it to me, but I have lost it long since. So, this last envelope of papers had Mother's notes on the stew. Not the whole recipe, as I remember it, but at least some notes, which I will put in my recipe book of family recipes. These little things in her handwriting give me a better sense of her thinking. I think she was trying to stay centered and grounded through all her ongoing fears, writing down things, making lots of notes. So as I go to meeting this morning, I will be thinking of my mother's life, and her struggles, knowing she did the best she could with the life she had. I know that her spirit was leading her and that she did her best. Sometimes, life detours us from our intended Path, and those detours can last for years. Getting back to who we were created to be can take some work. I know Doug struggled with this a lot through his terrible nightmares and sometimes his anger. What I do know, and find comfort in, is that both my mother and Doug loved me. I don't think my mother could open her heart to love, but Doug was able to open his heart, and I can only imagine how much courage it might take to open my heart if I had the times my mother and Doug had. Right now, the grief is mixed up for both of these people I loved. What I do know for sure is that love is healing, whether if is flowing from me or to me, it heals. It is the most powerful energy our Creator gave us. So I continue to do my best to enter into this grief and work through it from love, this gift from our Creator. I hope everyone has a most blessed Sunday, and that we each have peace and love in our hearts as we enter this day. Merry Christmas. *<twinkles>*

My mother saved some of the stuff I sent to her. I never knew that. A large envelope of papers came today, little scribbles, some early line drawings from when I was three and four. My little sun signature. Looks sort of like a spider with too many legs. ☀️ I remember some of these things. Wow, that certainly brings up a lot of early memories. That was a very confusing time for us all. I am deeply touched that she kept them. Doug has been much on my mind as I go through this new grief, of course. The new grief triggers the old grief, and they come together in my place of sorrow. I am also in the process of scavenging files from all our old computers, which will then be cleaned, so I am seeing Doug's thoughts almost constantly during this process. I am being very gentle with myself, giving myself all the compassion and kindness I can without going off my PT and AIP. I have been able to recover files I thought were lost. This is a good winter project, as I salvage bits from these old drives. And Doug's presence is very strong while I am doing this. Very nice for the season, as I remember our last Christmas together. So, between the pieces of paper, little notes and drawings and reading Doug's thoughts, it has been a very good day of remembering and healing, as I continue to let go of so many pieces I no longer need. I am clearing. Kay, thank you for your lovingkindness. It is wonderful to have this safe place to let my heart do some healing. Merry Christmas everyone!!! *<twinkles>*

Thank you Gwen. I am so sorry for your loss, and glad you have found a place here to share and be a part of this community. You know how people say that Joy shared is Joy multiplied, and sorrow shared is sorrow halved? I think that has some truth. We need to talk about our pain, just to let it out, and also knowing the listener is not going to need to carry what we share, at least not so much. I agree that we need to purge. I have a lot of sweet memories of Doug, and I am purging a lot of the pain from that time. I want to carry happy, Light-filled memories that do not pull me down into a spiral of sadness and despair. But sometimes, I need to share enough so that I can lighten my heart to keep from being pulled down, too. Thank you very much for understanding and knowing that. Yes, Gin and Gwen, NOTHING comes close. *<twinkles>*

Maybe Kodie will like the doghouse later. He is a different breed, after all, and I think they are used to sleeping in the snow, maybe with some straw. I guess you will find out as it gets colder. I am glad you have set firm boundaries about Joe. I can imagine he keeps you constantly busy and watchful! I hope I still have some photos of the quilts somewhere. My main desktop computer with all my photo files crashed, and although I had a backup service, they could not retrieve almost half my files because their files were apparently hacked. I am still gathering photos from my other computers and from Doug's as well. It's time to sort things and then clean off the old laptops and desktops from the office and donate or sell them. I could not touch Doug's computers for a long time, but I can now. I may actually hire a computer guy to gather all the files and put them on one accessible solid state drive, and then also upload the files to the cloud, so I have redundant backup. It's time to keep clearing things from my life that I don't need anymore. I got three more of my mother's books today to go through. And a letter from my gastro doc that I have healed my liver with the autoimmune protocol, and that once they do the Spring scan, if things still look this good, I will not need new scans/biopsies so often. Remember when I was on the liver transplant list? I took the doc's letter to show to my PT, and she hugged me for my victory. And we did my progress review today for PT, and she said I have exceeded all her expectations. I have been working really hard at the PT at home, spending a lot of time doing all the exercises, and it has really paid off. I have at least six more weeks to keep progressing. Working out has also been a good time to release a lot of the emotional energy about Mother leaving. I wish we could have had one normal conversation before she left. I am glad she is free... nattering... *<twinkles>*

Gwen, I was reading your posts here, and I remember when I was here when my husband Doug died, and you were a comforting presence in my life then, and I was so happy to see you are still here now that I am back with the loss of my mother. Your insights, and your way of describing what you go through, really affirms my own sense of loss and life. I love the many blankets analogy you used to describe the sense of not being whole anymore. Thank you dear one. We all keep making it one day at a time. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you. *<twinkles>*

Good morning Kay. Yes, I designed and made quilts for both my daughters and both my grandsons. My grandmother also made quilts for her grandchildren. My mother made one quilt for my niece, and this unfinished one is the only other quilt I know of that she made or at least began. Her life was so scattered, I know it was hard for her to focus on quilt making while she was hospitalized so often. The quilt I made for my younger daughter is hearts, since she was born on Valentine's Day. I quilted it with heart shapes too, so when it is turned over, the quilting stitching is a series of hearts. It took two years for me to finish it. My older daughter's quilt has sails and clouds in the sky above the water, because she was a lifeguard and champion sailboarder on Lake Michigan. I have one unfinished quilt of the skyline above the ranch. I hope to finish it someday. I love that Mother was making a tumbling blocks quilt: they are pretty mathematical and of course have that 3-D visual impact. It will be good to finish it when I get the pieces. It will be a tribute to her. She tried to do good things, but her mental illness often got in the way. Yes, I am really glad to be reading her notes in her old math books. I wish I could have spent more time with her, but know it was not really safe for me as a child. Life goes on... *<twinkles>* How is Kodie doing today? I am glad you are not going to take him back into that dangerous environment.

Kay, Kodies"s skin was not broken was it? No bleeding? Even still, that must have been a terrible trauma for him, poor little puppy. You know, I had not thought of my mother's notes in her books as a journal, but your are right, it is probably the closest she came to a journal. There is one page of margins filled with notes about Grandmother's rose garden, a sort of inventory. And another page with notes about Mother's medications. Most are math notes, but she did write about other things on the pages as well. I can see why the Univ. librarian did not want these books, because they are filled with scribbles and notes. At least it gives me some insights into what my mother was thinking about. She was so hard to know. There is a lovely tumbling blocks quilt that she never finished, which has a note pinned to it that she was making it for my second daughter. My cousin is sending that to me, and I hope to finish it and give it to my daughter. There is a box of cut quilt pieces with it. My cousin said that it looks as though most if not all of it was pieced by hand, perhaps when Mother was in the hospital. After Meeting, we had a lovely tea yesterday, with little plates of savory things and a really good visit for five of us women. Now we are planning a birthday party for one friend who is a fairly well-known artist. Her husband passed away about a year ago, and her children are in Seattle and Carmel, California. I am making my chocolate flourless torte for her birthday cake, because that is what she wants. We talked about our mothers over tea. My mother was the last one to go among all our mothers. I mentioned the oyster stew on Christmas Eve, a family tradition, and found out another Friend has the same family tradition. Both my grandmother and mother made it. I think the hot milk probably put all the excited children to sleep, and it was a light meal. Sometimes, I think I can feel my mother's spirit here with me, especially when I am holding one of her books and thinking of her. Her spirit feels healed now, though, not so shattered and afraid. I know you will love and comfort Kodie today and reassure him. Poor little guy. I know you were scared, too. I hope he will be fine, and you too, from the scare. Have a good day. *<twinkles>*

Dear Kay, Your beautiful card of the angel arrived. You have so much talent! I still use some of the cards I got from you several years ago, thank you. Merry Christmas and all the Blessings of the season. I'm half way through the box of Mother's books, checking the pages for her handwriting and notes. It is like a little mystery/treasure hunt for me. I'm getting a better feel for her thinking, and that is nice. I hope you have a wonderful Sunday and a good week with Kodie. *<twinkles>*

Yes, Kay, I agree that you are doing the right thing to train Kodie while he is young. You are the one who is responsible for creating the world and rules in his world, so good for you. I cannot believe they fed him cat food. That was not very smart of them. Maybe from now on, if he needs to be fed while you are away from him, you can take a measured amount of food for him to have, and if there are other dogs, does he need his own water bowl? Yes, you are striating him off right. Good for you. I am so sorry your mom was so out of touch with reality. Do you think your brother might give you the Bible if you asked? Maybe even just loan it to you so you could look through for her notes or bookmarks? My mom was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, but I think she was mostly just afraid of the world and very confused by the things that happened when she was young. When she would come out of it, she could be normal for quite some time. She was able to teach sometimes for a whole semester, a couple of times for a whole year, but that was pretty dicey. It just was not safe for me or my half brother to live with her, as when she got out of balance, we were her targets. I am really thankful I had my dad and grandmother. Yes, I am enjoying reading her math notes. She wrote some pretty neat stuff in her old books about the history of mathematical thought, too. She had a really good mind when she was doing well. Some days now, my heart is just heavy with regrets that we could not talk. I read something she wrote and I want to say, wow, mom, that was great! I hope she hears me. I wish I had known her a lot better, and of course, since I was little, I always hoped I could somehow fix her, but that is beyond our power and in the hands of our Creator. That is the only way I can make peace with it, is to turn it over to G*d. I can feel it lift out of me when I can pray and turn things over. I guess I need to go through this process for my own heart to heal. I hope you have a wonderful weekend and that you and Kodie can go out and play for a while. I am stacking firewood and dusting and doing a week of laundry and working on year-end bookkeeping (I could use you about now! for your expertise!) to get things ready for the accountant before I leave for the field again. I hope you know how much I appreciate your company on this grief journey. Thank you. *<twinkles>*

Stacy Nicole, I am so sorry you have lost your mother. You have had a lot of loss to deal with both parents going within a short time frame. Losing your father must have been hard on you, and even harder on your mother. I'm glad you were there for her while she stayed. And now, your life must seem really out of balance with your mother gone, too. I hope you have loving family around you, and that you have a grief counselor or grief support group to help you with your grief. Let us know how you are doing, please. *<twinkles>*