feralfae

I sometimes feel that we "survivors" of this journey who came on to this path at around the same time are emotionally huddled around Marty's fire, sharing our lives. We have bonded through this journey. We have stuttered and wailed our way through the effort of communicating our broken hearts and broken lives. We have found those who gave us back the same sense of being shattered, in their own words, and validated our pain. We have been on this journey together, finding bits and pieces of ourselves along the path, helping each other fend off dragons of depression, despair, defeat, and deep loneliness. We look at each other and reach out a hand, our gesture saying, "Well met, my comrade. We have made this journey with great courage. We don't know if it is ever going to be over, but we are adjusting to carrying our hearts in a different way, to walking alone while walking with our Tribe, and to finding ways to mend little edges of this jagged wound that was our happy heart when our Beloved was walking beside us. I could not give up the Tribe I have found here: you are all witnesses to my walk on this path, as I have been a witness to yours. We can look at each other and nod our heads, acknowledging that we have made it this far. We are learning a new form of independence now—one that keeps us standing but also reinforces our feelings of aloneness. I am surprised at how well we are making it each day, how gracefully we are carrying the burden of this grief and the heaviness of this empty place in our hearts. We are each doing this in our own unique and beautiful way. It is dancing around the fire, all to the same tune of grief and of celebration of life, but each of us doing our own steps, our own dance, in our own way. And I am still learning from each of you. We have not danced this dance before: it is new music, a shift in the timbre of the tune. And we each hear it in our own way. There are people who go through life and never hear this music of memory, loss, and courage. There are people who hear it and walk away from the pain, or drown it in distractions and medications. We, this little tribe here, gathered around this healing fire, have chosen to walk through our grief, and now, at last, we are beginning to dance a little; to be able to reach out and respond to the music of acceptance. But still, after all this time, my heart still resonates with the words you share; with the images you create; with the effort I see you making to walk this path. So maybe we are making this music as we go along, this tiny ensemble of broken hearts, each humming, singing, beating, as we create this music. I don't know if the music comes from G*d through us, or if it is our own piece of the song. We have this place to gather, to huddle, to share, and to sing and dance. I sometimes think it would be nice to visit via Skype, but sometimes I think it would be lovely to write more notes with my fountain pen as well. The journey is happening, and how we travel on it seems less important than that we are sharing our journeys. namaste, fae more nattering follows . . .

Dear Jan, Thank you, dear one. It is still very smoky here, with visibility down to less than half a mile. I don't have any tests today, so I am going to make only one essential trip to town, and then stay inside and go gently the rest of this smoky day. I hope all is going well in your world. I imagine the littles are growing more each day. I know you had a wonderful time. I am wondering how Kay is doing with smoke over her way. I know we are all in need of some good weather. Happy Monday to you Jan, although by now, it is more than half over in England. namaste, fae

Dear Butch, You are in our hearts and prayers. Our love and compassion, caring and concern all go with you each moment. Namaste, fae

Thank you. I am just sort of hanging on right now, but all the reports have gone to a specialist. There is not a lot to do except try to stay comfortable and hydrated until I get in to see the new doc. The pain was not so bad today. I am still avoiding pain meds, but doing a LOT of meditation and reading. Kay, still hot and very smoky here as well. I have a vision of us all gathered together, dancing in beautiful, gauzy gowns, among the autumn leaves, laughing and smiling as we sway to beautiful music. We are going to prevail. We will celebrate life and love and our good health. I think the other test results will be tomorrow as well. So far, things look good, even if it is perplexing to the docs. No cancer. I don't think it is cancer, anyway. My grandson suggests that I have some worm I picked up in Africa or somewhere exotic. I had not thought to mention such possibilities to anyone, but it is possible. *<twinkles>* fae

Leo, Shannon, and Mary have two little angels to love and cherish now. oh my. All part of our family here. I know we are all crying. {{{Butch}}} we are all holding you and your family in our hearts.

Kevin, so many incidents have happened since my Doug left that I have some to watch a bit better for their appearance. From wind chimes ringing on still days when I would sit down on our special bench, to the arrival of special gifts on anniversaries, to things falling from shelves, or rolling out in front of me, things happen. And sometimes, Doug comes in my dreams, usually to answer a question I have, or to give me a message about letting go of something, or to simply stand in front of me and tell me he loves me. What has come to surprise me is not the communications, but our cultural incredulity at events considered quite normal in lots of cultures. We are surrounded by love and loving spirits. And it is such a wonderful gift to be able to feel and hear, to know that they are with us. Maryann, I am smiling at Mark's giant rooster! How absolutely super! *<twinkles>* fae

QMary, I will be thinking of you and sending good thoughts as you have your rotator cuff repair surgery. Yes, PT is not fun, but the results make us endure it. Come here and complain, pout, whatever you need to do. Of course you are anxious and feeling sorry for yourself -- it is times like these when we deserve to have those feelings. *<twinkles>* and prayers for healing. fae

Oh, Anne ^ that is perfect! Thank you! How is Carrie? Carrie, I am sending {{{hugs}}} and lost of *<fairy>* dust your way. I hope the recovery is going very well. fae

Kay, I am finding a lot of resources on line, and also at the moment bugging the hospitalists to give me a referral letter to a specialist so I can get a better grasp of what I can and should do to alleviate and perhaps reverse this condition. There are some resources on line, but I think I need to see a specialist. Just got a return call from hospitalists saying that they are now not sure it is full-fledged cirrhosis, but with all these conflicting reports, I know I want to pursue this course of investigations. Something is most definitely wrong inside, and we have ruled out cancer. fae

Ah, these new beginnings can be tough. The new diagnosis is cirrhosis of the liver, non-alcoholic, but advanced. Apparently, this was known after the gall bladder surgery, but no one told me or referred me to anyone about it. Now I am doing my own research, finding doctors, etc. Please keep me in your prayers. fae

We are praying. Butch, we are with you in spirit. In spirit, we are in touch. Holding you in our hearts -- fae

Anne, thank you for the cookie monster. Even though we talked earlier, I just wanted to say thank you again for all your support and prayers through this latest adventure. Fae

HI Carrie, I hope you saw Butch's post. What a lovely story of Amberly and Jerry Dancing! And I love stories of loving people! Doug and I have friends who have adopted 12 children with physical challenges—some from land mines—and their home place is a huge wonderland of playgrounds, tree houses, pets, "water features", special ramps and equipment, and a delightful place to visit. One parent is an MD, the other a physical therapist. Perfect team! A few years ago, they flew to Eastern Europe to bring home #12 of the children. The story is simply too tragic to tell here. But I have watched this child learn to walk, run, smile, play, talk, feed himself, and swim! And he is growing sooooo fast! Carrie, you must give up dancing with the trees until you are all healed. I know how tempting it is to twirl through the forest, though. I cannot begin to express how much the test results have lifted a worry from my mind, and relaxed my tummy. I know G*d and Doug are watching over me, and some of my worry is just residual PTSS, so I know I will keep getting better. Off to be slothful and stress free and read a bit more of my book. I have this special circle of golden light, which is my "Pilgrim's Progress" prayer circle. You are all in it. Thank you for your prayers, and please thank Jerry and Amberly for theirs as well. Holding you in the Light, especially Wednesday. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear, dear friend, Thank you so very much for letting us know how Lily is doing. We continue to hold you and Lily and all your family in our prayers and lovingly in our hearts. We think of you often each day, and I am sending prayers for Lily to grow stronger and healthier every hour. I send you love and caring, and some *<fairy dust>* for everyone there, most especially you and Lily. {{{hugs}}} fae

Best news is that the CGA tests (done twice just to be sure) came back in the "all clear" zone. No cancer. I am going to take it easy all weekend, hoping that a couple of days of staying stress-free and slothful will give my body some time to heal. If by Monday I am still having issues, I will begin to deal with it again on Monday. These tests and the worrying have no doubt contributed to the abdominal pain. I know I carry all my stress in my tummy. Meanwhile, Carrie ---- I love to dance! I know there is at least one other dancer around this fire. Did you know that there are many videos on YouTube for Yoga Dancing? Something to try, at your own level and pace. I still use a Denise Austin routine, at my own range of motion and going lightly on some of the floor work. But it still feels very good to move. Cataract surgery next week? You know we will all be holding you in prayer and in our hearts, and we all know that you will come through this, heal, and perhaps begin to do a few gentle yoga dance routines. *<twinkles>* fae

Harry, you are going through a lot of anniversary days all lumped together. And each memory carries its own heartache, in its own way. So today, although I can only send {{{HUGS}}} to you this way, I send those and this from my Great-Aunt's cross-stitch which was in the hallway— "Miracles. Pray hard and work harder." I am not sure that prayer alone does not sometimes cure disease and end immediate pain and suffering, but that is not the point, is it? I think it is that those acts we undertake with and for lovingkindness, and by which we manifest Love into the world, that open the way to greater miracles. Quakers are called to visit prisoners, tend to the sick, care for the hungry and homeless. Yet, we each have as well a special calling toward our own unique way to manifest lovingkindness, and you are certainly following your own calling beautifully. These are not easy days for you—so filled with remembered losses, so empty in places of the heart—all surrounding you with the memory of Love that has been made manifest in your life. {{{hugs}}} fae

Butch, Holding you and Lily in my heart and prayers. All our love surrounds you and your family. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Marty, Thank you for your prayers and love. I look around at us and I see so many of us who have been long-term caregivers who are now turning toward as much self care as possible. I truly think we are all getting better, but it is taking a lot longer than any of us anticipated for this healing process to reach "healed" if that ever happens. Your love and compassion inspire and teach us, thank you. namaste, fae

Dear Butch, what a beautiful tribute to Mary and to your wonderful, loving family. I, too, feel that you are all a part of my family, and I am praying each day for you and the boys and Lilian Mary. Thank you for sharing your love with us, and for allowing us to return some of that love to you. *<twinkles>* fae

I am only up to check on an owl. . . Maybe we could all go on a retreat together. Maybe a nice place, run by the Carmelites or Dominicans. Something special and spiritual for us all. Yes, I have even lightened my purse, quit lifting anything heavier than the purse, and being very cautious about how I lift even that. I am doing my best to listen to my body, just take breaks and rest and sleep when I am led to do so, and to pay attention to how my body is feeling. I think for those of us who spent time as caregivers, we became habituated to setting aside the needs of our own bodies to care for other bodies. Now here we are, healing. Doug used to bring mugs of warm herbal tea to me when I did not feel well, and rub my forehead, and sit with me. I miss that a lot some days. I know you miss Jim's care. How could we not? The Great Horned Owl is still calling. I love their song. fae

It is so very wonderful to see you all here. For about the last three weeks, I have had severe abdominal pain, not doing very well, getting lots of tests (with more to come) and beginning to worry because I seem to need a lot more rest these days than last year. By now, it is becoming clear that something is going on, although we don't have any test confirmations about anything more serious than having joggled something lose during all the clearing and sorting -- something that was still healing. But I wanted to jump in to say that you are all welcome here, so hitch a ride as Anne drives by and you all head on to Montana. It is very hot here right now, though so you may want to wait a week or so to arrive. I think it was 94F out here today, maybe a little warmer. I have another test tomorrow. I will have my latest NETS tests results back later this week, I think. I am tired and weak. I can get up and go for three or four hours, then I collapse and sleep for a few hours, then I am good (but not as energetic as earlier in the day) for a few more hours, then I sort of collapse again. And the pain seems to be better today. I am avoiding chocolate, coffee, spicy foods, all alcohol (no wine!) and lifting most things. I am being doubly careful about any gluten. I am getting up in the cool of the early morning and driving to my favorite walking path (where there are no loose dogs, as is not the case in my neighborhood) and watching the sunrise from there as I walk for a mile and a half. Then I come home and rest for a while, fix breakfast, work in the office for a little while, then run errands or have meetings, then rest again. Boring, and mostly I am resting. So far, I have avoided pain medications, which make me very fuzzy-brained. Part of this weakness may be the incredible heat. I wish I felt more connected to every day life, but right now, I feel as though I am holding myself together, finding ways to mitigate the pain, and hoping for some definitive answers by the end of the week (and I hope for a simple scolding, such as, "you silly woman, stop being such a jock and stop lifting things. Back away from your wheel until the pains stop. Rest as much as your body wants. It is healing itself." ) I feel Doug all around me, sort of watchful and concerned. I am doing my best to cooperate with what appears to be a time of deep healing of body, and probably heart as well. It would be a wonderful thing to have you dear hearts here for tea and a long visit, too. Now, we must get a balloon with a basket for Jan, I suppose . . . *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Butch, I am sorry sorry Butch. We know that Mary is loving and holding Lila Beth and that they are together. {{{hugs}}} to you and your dear family. I am holding you in my heart and sending love and peace, healing and prayers to you and all there. I am just so very sorry. My tears join yours at this time of sorrow and loss.

Dearest Anne, Thinking of you, holding you close in my heart, and sending lots of *<fairy dust>* to cheer your day and to bring you a twinkling bouquet of hope. *<twinkles>* fae

Dearest Anne, I am holding you in prayer and in my heart, dear friend. fae