plum

Thanks Kayc! yes it was a great birthday! yes ur right. something for me to think about and decide.

hey guys, hope u've all been well, brief update, it was my 30 this week and I had been away with my new bf on holidays. I came home and my ex had sent me a hamper for my b'day. We have had no contact for few months now. As I didn't hear from him on my actually b'day I assumed he forgot about it or didn't remember it and I wasn't sad about it at all. However when I saw that he had sent me a hamper and he also wrote in the card that he thinks of me often and signed off with xo it made me upset for some reason. I guess it brought back the memories. He also sent me a gift that only the two of us would know the reasons for. (our little insider joke thing) I sent a brief email to him thanking him but don't really expect him to reply to that email as it was more of a thank you note. I've been thinking or hoping that all this time that he is doing well and that he has moved on with his life but I guess his gift and card kind of made me feel like I had moved on but maybe he hasn't yet and I felt somewhat guilty. Now I don't know if I'm suppose to send him a xmas card (esp as it'll be first xmas without any parents alive) and gift for his b'day next year? Or was it more of a final parting gift? what do u guys think?

Thanks Pollara and kayc! In regards to your question Pollara, no, I don't have any contact with him. I'm sure if i got in touch with him, he would reply but frankly I have no desire to and don't really have much interest in finding out what is going on with him. I feel like he is in my past and that I'm now moving forward with my life and starting new chapter and really he has no place in my life anymore. So I don't know if he is doing fine or not. I hope he is doing fine, but even if he isn't, it's not really my concern anymore. He has his friends and family around him so I think he'll be fine. Yes I agree Pollara, even if this hadn't happened, I think we may have broken up down the road for other reasons. At the time I couldn't see this, but after taking step back and bit of time, I do realize this. I do wish him all the best and don't have any hard feelings towards him. There was a time I was angry at him about the way he treated me towards the end, but I realized it's pointless being angry at someone who doesn't really seem to care too much about ur feelings as they're too busy sorting out their own feelings. I don't believe in hating someone or having bad feelings about someone that you loved and deeply cared about at one stage. I feel like if you were to do that, then it will ruin all the wonderful memories u have of the times together. Life's too short to stay angry and bitter really! How are you doing Pollara? Are you feeling better about the whole thing with ur ex?

Hey guys, hope everyone has been well!! just quick update, it's been a while since i've visited! Me and the guy I posted about are long over. No contact or anything. it was good amicable ending. He wasn't same person i fell in love with and I think we just grew apart after everything. It was almost a relief to finally have an ending. I'm currently doing really well. I'm seeing someone and it's going really really well. I realise that I had been emotionally attached to my ex for a long time due to all the things we went thru together. but now I feel like we can finally both move on. I'm glad I was there for him when he was going thru such a terrible time, but I think that's as far as we were meant to go. For everyone that's going thru or gone thru similar things, as cliched as it sounds, and trust me it definitely does not feel like it at the time, but everything happens for a reason. and if it doesn't work out with ur current person, it really does mean that there is someone more suited for you out there. I'm in such a better place now. : ) Be good to urselves! Thanks kayc, pollara and everyone for having been so wonderful during those tough times.

Hmm I see why you might be worried Pollara. But why worry about the what ifs? If he feels like you asking how he is doing is extra burden; that's his problem. If he feels like your waiting for him; once again his problem Cuz the truth of the matter is, you're none of those. As for you being worried about being friendzoned? What is wrong with that thou? Cuz it does sound like maybe you're holding out hope of getting back together then? (Not that there is anything wrong with that) : I guess it depends if he does want you there as a friend or not at all? I'm currently in the thinking of stuff them, I'll do what I want and what I feel like. : ) I'm sick of walking around in egg-shells and trying to second guess what they'll think. Like today I said to my guy that he is depressed. I wasn't sure how he would take it,and thought oh maybe he will get angry or annoyed. but then thought, hey, what the heck, he is, and I'm not going to not just 'say' something for fear of upsetting him when it's the truth!! He didn't really admit to it or deny it but at least it was out there. Currently I'm living by the motto do what makes you happy! my friend told me a quote of there's 7 billion people in the world. Don't let one person ruin your day. : )

Thanks kayc : ) Yeah I agree Pollara, guys definitely are more resistant to any kind of help as they probably feel like as a man they should be able to get through things on their own without needing anyone to help them. Exactly the reason why rates of suicide are higher in males. Cuz they dont seek help when they should. like you said I don't think my guy is ready to let go yet. He is displaying classic signs of depression currently. (Grief related one anyway) Lack of motivation, loss of energy, feeling tired, feeling overwhelmed. He is constantly saying how he has so many things to do yet when I ask him exactly what he needs to do he is unable to tell me exactly what things keep him so busy. I guess knowing that he is depressed makes it harder for me to just walk away completely.. As he doesnt seem to be ready to let go of 'us' yet, I worry that it'll make things worse for him. It's like we've come in a full circle. Initially he wasn't sure if we should continue and I was the one that wanted to continue, but now I'm ready to leave and seems like he isn't ready to let go. Pollara, I don't know if there is a 'right' amount of time to wait to speak to ur ex. If you're concerned about him, then I think you should try to contact him and check on him. You have nothing to lose.

Hello, I thought I wouldn't be popping in as much but I've been checking the forum every few days or so for last few months so it's almost become a habit! Interesting what you guys say about being afraid that they'll meet someone else. I never really had that fear about my guy cuz I always figured that whoever they meet won't be as good as me. : D And always thought well once you've the best, everyone else will seem crap in comparison. Haha maybe this is egoistic way of thinking. Maybe that's why I never really worried about that. And I figured hey if they want to date someone else over someone that's awesome and wonderful like us (Cuz I think all of us are awesome!!) that's their problem and shows that they're stupid and will probably forever miss wonderful opportunities in other things in their lives cuz they don't know a good thing even when it's been shoved in their face. Also I guess is the glass half empty or half full? I mean another way to think about this is how do u know that there isn't someone better for you out there? Maybe there is someone that's more wonderful and great than your current guy/ex. So maybe on top of a break up being their loss, maybe it is a blessing in disguise for us?

Thanks guys!! soo,, it seems that it wasn't like THE END (close the book) like I thought. He mentioned that he is not coping very well and how he thought he would feel better with time but that it doesn't seem to be improving. I did a big spill about how if you had a headache, that u would take some pain killers. or if you had a really painful condition then you would try everything that you could to make it better. So why is it any different when it comes to grief? there is no rule that says you must get through it alone without seeking help. And how I wanted to stand by him but that I can't do that if he doesn't wanna help himself, because it hurts me to watch someone that you love suffer. and how he seems to just have 'given' up without even trying. anyway I asked him few days ago if he had read the book I sent him and he said that 'he didn't want to'. but he texted today and said that he will try to read the book. So maybe some of my lecturing has gotten through to him? At this stage I'm not concerned about our relationship. But I just want him to get better/feel better. I like to think the book is the first step and hopefully he will eventually agree to counselling. Then at least we have tried all we avenues. Does that change anything? I'm not sure. I'm still gona continue building a future that doesn't include him... and continue to see if there is another mr right for me out there.

Hi Pollara, oh that is great about your work!!! So I think we're done. I just have had enough. I asked if he had any plans to visit me in the next few months. As I haven't seen him since the funeral. Seems like the idea of even spending the weekend with me is so abhorent and too much for him. After all the things I've done for him and the s*** I put up with in return for nothing, when i ask for something so small and trivial like him visit me in next few months oh no that's too much. I said that I can't wait for someone that doesn't want to plan a future with me. anyway to cut long story short, I think we've both decided that it's for the best that I move on cuz I deserve better. He acknowledges that he isn't doing so well yet refuses help and I've done all I can. Anyway thanks for all your help. I don't know if I'll be popping in as often as I feel like I don't really have much left to say on this matter. I have no regrets as I did the best I can, and I've pretty much come to a point where I don't really care if we're together or not. So I might as well be free to see other people. I'm fine also, I think I've had time to process everything and mourn the relationship. It's time to let go. I dont think I want to try again with him if and when he comes around as it'll be too late. Maybe this is blessing in disguise and there is someone out there who's better for me. : )

Oh and my guy also had panic attacks when his mum was sick... I don't think you can say whether it's a good or bad thing. Think it just happens to some and doesn't to others....

Hi Pollara, it seems like ur guy is going through what my guy is going through.. He tells me today that he doesn't know if he will ever be happy again. This is a change from few weeks ago when he said that he believes that he will be happy again. Sounds like he is getting worse rather than better. : ( I asked if he wanted to go see a counsellor. He says he doesn't want to. I asked him if he has read the book I sent him on grief. He also says he doesn't want to. *SIGH* I agree Pollara, it seems like they know what kind of situation they're in yet they don't want to do anything to get themselves out. They just want to 'wallow' in their grief. And I guess nothing or no one will help them if they don't want to help themselves. I hope that they will pick themselves up soon and realize that although life can give u lemons u can also make lemonade out of it!! so for now i'm throwing up my hands up in the air so to speak, and hope that they will choose to be happy again cuz life's all about what you make of it You can't help someone that doesn't wanna be helped... PS, i totally know what you mean Pollara about how it saddens you. That's exactly how I feel.....

Hi everyone, Hope you guys are well, I been away and now back from my holidays. I had a fantastic time, and I think holiday was just what I needed!! to cut long story short, we had some serious talk when i was away, and I guess I tried to break up and he asked for more time. Says he still gets upset and cries most days. As I feel bad about what he is going through, I let him know that I will give him more time, however that I can't wait for him forever. But in my mind I'm already making plans for life without him. And yes, I do want to date other people. But I do feel like I do need to respect the fact he has asked for more time. Now I guess it's balancing between the two. Maybe I will date other ppl while I wait for him, I don't know. I haven't quiet decided. But travelling around made me realize, the world is so big and that there is no 'ONE' person that is perfect for you. and that life is what you make of it. So I'm going to stop being so caught up on 'one' person, and open up my eyes and mind to new possibilities. : )

Quick question, I have not replied to my guy's MSG and its coming to a week. This is the first time that I have ignored his MSG. And he can take a day or two to reply to mine but always does. Im not sure if he realizes that I've now left for my hols. I told him what day I was leaving but obviously he didn't care enuf or forgot and didn't even text me Bon voyage. Do u think I should text back or until he makes further attempt at contacting me leave it? I'm currently trying to decide if I want to cut him out of my life all together and never get in touch again vs sending him a sincere letter or tell him all the stuff that's been on my mind. The outcome may be the same at the end of the day

Pollara I think ur ex sounds like he is a miserable twat and can't admit to the fact that it was his fault that the relationship didn't work but instead finds reason to blame u. I don't think u should take any notice of what he said about u to his friends. Maybe he was a kind and caring person before but sounds like he is a miserable a$$hole now. No point in trying to figure out why he said such a thing, he isn't worthy of ur time or emotions. I think my guy 'used to be' a nice and caring person but he is now an a$$ and a selfish human being that probably can't ever do wots needed to be happy or take a chance on things. I think for both of our sanity we should just let it go and if we never hear from them again so be it. Don't be dragged down with them anymore and lets be free to be happy and enjoy our lives without them. Sure I understand that grief does funny things to people but u just don't treat people that u supposedly care about in such a horrendous and selfish way and expect things to be 'ok' at the end. Think of it as a blessing in disguise that he chose to end things with u sooner than later. U will look back on this time and be grateful that things didn't work out as u will find someone more worthy of ur time and efforts Hugs Xoxo

Hi pollara Oh I'm sorry to hear about what ur bf said to ur friend! That shows that he is the immature one and I think it definitely shows that u can do so much better than him and move on. I agree cut him out of ur life, no need to make space for some immature a$$hole! When ur ready I'm sure someone that's lot better than ur ex will come along

Well it's getting onto nearly a week of no contact. I agree that its like he doesn't care if Im alive or not. He hadn't tried to contact me again after the sending stupid MSG that I didn't reply to. Which btw is the first time I've not replied to him. At this stage I don't know if I want to work things out even if he wants to because I dont know who he is anymore. And part of me doesn't trust this person who seems to be appreciative of all my efforts and keeps treating me crap. I guess if he makes no further attempt to contact me then it wont be necessary to have the 'talk' as he isn't dumb and can prob figure things out himself. In the meantime I'm going to enjoy my holiday and focus my energy on ppl that actually appreciate having me in their lives

hey Pollara, i read the follow up to the book called 'why men marry bitches' and it was really helpful to my situation; esp as I was just talking about today!! one of their rules; Set your own timelines and limits, and leave if it’s time to get out. Until then, don’t let him know about your timelines or deal breakers. Then keep your eyes open and watch how he manages his 50 percent of the relationship. Then you’ll get the real deal much quicker. I think I answered my own question! He messaged last nite saying something random and I didn't feel like it required a reply. If after 2 days of no contact, he can't even managed to send a civilised msg of 'hey, how have u been, how was ur day' rather than something dumb then I figured it's not worth my while replying. Thanks again for the book!! I feel like I read it just at the right time! and yeah, i know it doesn't really apply in our case, but it also made me realise that I can't just coddle him and continue to make excuses for his behaviour How ru feeling about things today Pollara?

Thanks Pollara. i think ur right. I need to give a time limited. I'm thinking of saying to him 'I'm not going to wait for u forever. i have my own deadlines, and if ur not ready when I'm ready to move on with things, then this is over' so not tell him 'u have xx of time to decide' but if he is not ready when I am then that is it? Currently the way he is behaving I'm actually not finding it that hard to think there is someone more suitable for me. I can think of a lot of people that will actually want to hear about my day, will care about how I am going, and in general have an interest in what is going on in my life and want to see me and spend time with me. It's really not that hard to want to do those things, when u like someone and care about someone. I don't really think he would actually even be affected too much if I was to fall ill or anything like that. Oh he probably wouldn't even know as he doesn't even have any interest on whatS going on in my life.

Thanks Pollara. Yeah, I think the fact that after all the things we have gone through and the bond we have together that he still can't tell me, yes, ur the one I want to be with, just help me to get through this. And wanting to settle down and have a family is definitely higher on my priorities than his obviously. Yes, everyone says just to go on holiday first, because if I do anything now, than my holiday may be ruined. I think I have done all I can to try and 'save' the relationship. It takes two to tango. Yes, in my mind I have already let it go, and I actually maybe had a semi 'date' today. and I actually had a lot of fun! (He is someone I have known for some time now. one of my distant friends so to speak) anyway, it was a good distraction and took my mind off things. I highly doubt that if I decide to move on that I will want to try things again with him. I have given it my best shot and he didn't appreciate it, and that will be enough chances for him. no moare. I know that I can maybe make a nice new happy relationship with someone else by devoting that emotional energy to someone that actually appreciates it. I see it this way, he knows that we can be happy together, but if he is too stubborn or stupid to see it, then that's his problem. And while he may have regrets about letting it go, I'm not going to as I've given it my best shot and put in 100% to it when I had the chance. Life is all about embracing what u have. People that are too scared to take leap of faith and try something that's out of their comfort zone may be 'content' but they will never know if they could have been 'Happier' and they may forever wonder about the wot if. At least I can walk away with the knowledge of that I tried. as they say it's better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all.

Hey Helena! Good to hear from u! We've been wondering how u have been! So good to hear that u have a great new place and flat mates!! Sorry to hear that ur ex is still acting like an a$$ and ignoring ur MSG. But it sounds like ur feeling so muh better and in a better place. It definitely sounds like ur moving on with ur life and u will be better off in the long run without him. As for me I'm still stuck in the same place. And seeing u in a better place and despite pollara currently dealing with her break up I know that u guys will be in a better place mentally and in ur life very soon. And it makes me not want to be stuck where I am for much too long. Ifs only upto a certain point that u can convince and reassure someone that they are the one u wanna be with and if he can't let go of what happened in the past and get past his insecurities than that's his problem. And currently I'm not even sure if he is the one for me anymore after how he's treated me and doubting our r/s. I feel like I've given as much as I can and now I'm all out and running on empty. I'm just trying to hold out on doing anything until I come back from my holidays and if I still feel the same then I guess there will be no more 'us' Starting to think why wait around for someone that isn't sure about wanting to be with me when there are plenty of others that will love to be wth me and have a future with me.

I hope that everyday will become easier for u pollara because although I dont personally know u, from what I've read u sound like an amazing and an awesome person. And yes like that quote u can only think that it's all for the best as the other alternative is just crappy. Yes ur right, he is not goin to move anytime soon and back few months ago I was ok with him not moving this yr. but that was under the assumption that he did wanna make things work with me. But without that knowledge I'm not ok just waiting around. I didnt sleep very well because I was so mad at him. Yes I agree with u both, no matter what u Do and even if u try ur best sometimes it still doesn't work out the way u want it to. But I guess at least u know uve tried ur best. My friend said to me last nite that this whole thing is changing me into someone that's not me and I agree. I'm not this insecure and needing constant reassurance kind of person when in r/s. I'm starting to not like myself either. I'm not feeling any different to how i was feeling yesterday. I feel like if I was to break up with him at least it's like regaining some control over this which at the moment I feel is totally out of my hands and I don't like that at all. I know what u mean about wanting to forget about a person. I'm never like that ether but I feel like it's just hurting me too much. I still have 5 days left until I leave so I have to just try and hold everything in. And going NC while I'm away. Even if he texts me im not going to reply. I'll use that time to clear my head and figure out If I still want this because currently I feel like I'm running on empty and that I want out. I hope this doesn't come across as being selfish pollara while ur going thru ur break up. That ur not thinking that at least my guy hasnt broken up With me. Part of me wishes someone would just get this story over with so I can move on. And it doesn't look like it'll be him anytime soon so I guess maybe I'm the one

Hi Pollara, Yes I think u've definitely got the right idea. He didn't break up with u because his feelings had changed but just that he can't handle the current situation he is in. That is very tricky about when u go back. But by then a lot of time will have passed, and u may be ok with being friends with him. and it may also be that u guys feel that connection again. I wouldn't worry about that for now. Like me and my guy had lots of mutual friends. But because we were still on good terms after the break-up it wasn't awkward at all. But I guess we have to wait and see how u and ur guy will interact post break up. In regards to ur question about my guy moving, i don't know when and IF he will move at all. That has always been the main problem in our relationship. Where to live and who will move. I have made it clear that I can't move due to my career and he knows that. and at this stage, he obviously hasn't decided if he will move or not. Or maybe he has and doesn't want to tell me. Today I was so close to breaking things off with him. I think it's either u want to be with the other person or not. it shouldn't be this hard. I'm so close to just pushing him til he cracks and breaks up with me or I break up with him. Everyone says just to wait it out til my holiday and then i can have a clearer head. But it's getting me so down at times.... At least like Pollara, she knows that she won't be waiting any more times on a relationship that is doomed.

Well from the sounds of things I don't think u pressure him any way to make a decision. But maybe he pressured himself? Yeah I know that I'm not suppose to take it personally or anything like that... And I guess I do have the option of telling him that I'm moving on with my life but the tricky thing is that I did that once before already and broke his heart... . And I know that he still has trust issues stemming from that so part of me feels like that is not an option.. I feel like I'm in a constant conflict between trying to convince him the yes he is the one I want and I won't leave him this time versus feeling like he is taking me for granted and not appreciating me. It is a bad combination as they're complete Opposites!! Ru feeling bit better today pollara?

i think u handled that with a lot of grace and tact Pollara. I think what you said was the best answer u could've given him. Finished reading the book! It was very good read! thanks again. But now I'm confused. Currently I feel like saying to my guy 'how ur treating me is crap, and I won't put up with it, and I deserve better. You know where to find me, in the meantime I'm going to move on with my life. goodbye'?!!! i won't do anything drastic yet, i'll sleep on it and see how I feel about it. I have heard from him daily over the wknd and so I at least expected him to say 'goodnite' but seems like it's too much of an effort. I feel like telling him about catching up with my ex last week. He doesn't get jealous normally and I don't expect he will care too much but I'm starting to feel like he is taking me for granted again. I sent him a sweet message this morning but now I'm regretting it. If he isn't gona treat me with kindness and care then he doesn't deserve that back from me.

that is odd how he asked what u thought about it! what did u tell him? maybe he wasn't sure if he was making the right decision and wanted to hear what u thought? sounds like he actually cares about how u feels. not that it changes anything. men suck