plum

hello everyone, no new updates, just pottering along with things. He received my book that I sent, I did warn him few days ago that I had sent him something and not to take it the wrong way or take it as pressure. He said it feels too soon to try and read it so I said whenever u feel ready. He says he's going ok, about the same. Nothing new. I've noticed he doesn't say love u any more. I asked him why, he hasnt yet replied. I kinda feel very detached from the whole thing currently. Not sure if it means I'm slowly falling out of love with him or wotever. Feel like he shares more on his FB than he does with me which kinda made me feel little sad but then I got over it. Currently in very non caring stage. Don't really care too much what he is upto on the wknd or anything. I do miss him but starting to feel like I don't know him anymore and that maybe I'm holding onto the past. I read somewhere that it's only upto a stage that a relationship can last if it's one sided. I think once I stop caring that would be it. Maybe I'm getting close to that stage? I'm not sure. I'm gona wait until my holidays next month and then give it a good think in July or something. That would've been close to 3 months since his dad's passing. Feel very under appreciated and if he is not appreciating me now what chance is there that he will suddenly appreciate me when he feels better? I've had stressful week at work, I need someone to lean on emotionally too. Relationship is about give and take to certain extent not just give give give. Anyway hopefully I'll have a good wknd and feel little better! How are things with ur bf Pollara? Haven't heard from Helena for a while, I hope she is doing ok!

Hmm yeah I understand what u guys are saying. I feel like everyday this is dragging on that maybe my feelings will change slowly. maybe part of the reason I say it because I kind of want to reconfirm it to myself. some days I feel like he may as well be a stranger as I don't feel emotional connection to him. Days like today I think if i was to never hear from him again I'll be ok. As much as I try and understand that he is going thru a tough time, u just don't treat ppl u love like crap.

Well I dunno about not being like that second time around. My guy went thru his mother's death less than 2 yrs ago, and he seemed to cope ok. we were in touch back then (as friends) and I didn't feel like he was pushing me away. But then again i guess we were friends so maybe it would have been different if we were in r/s. who knows

PS, wow, just realized it's been over a month since I started my post. And I guess at the end of the day, I find myself in same place as I was back a month ago (Not that I really expected anything different) But thanks everyone for all ur advice and kind words. I probably would've been lot more unhappy/sad/depressed if I didn't have u guys who understand exactly what I'm going thru.

Thanks Pollara. I think the outcome would have been same even if u had gone to the funeral or was there for him when he said he missed u. I have also gone thru possible scenarios and wondered if me doing something different would have changed what we're in now. and I really don't think it would have. I wouldn't say that it's something that I couldn't forgive him for, but obivously it is hurtful. I would think I will get over the hurt eventually, and that he will realise how hurt I was and will try his best to make up to me. Also I guess maybe it will be my turn to 'forgive' as he kinda 'forgave' me by giving it a second go. I think if u love someone enough u can always find it in ur heart to forgive. I know he still has trust issues with me, but I would still trust him at the end despite of what is happening/has happened. maybe because deep down I know that he would never intentionally do anything hurtful to me if he could help it. Also I think if u love someone, hurting them will also hurt u.

Thanks for your insight on this kayc. I guess the big question is will the 'new normal/him' still want me in his life as his partner'. Guess at the end of the day that's what we're waiting around to find out isn't it.... I do hope love and relationship is like a memory foam. That all the happy and good memories will bring them back to us.... we can only hope!

Oh ok, I see, thanks for explaining that kayc. I do try and think that whatever I'm feeling he must be feeling million times worse but sometimes u do want to be selfish and just wallow in ur own feelings. Kayc do you think I should tell him that I love him when I say goodnite? That used to be our ritual. I guess part of me wants him to know that someone is thinking of him and loves him, but not sure if he will just intepret it as pressure? But then the other side of me also worries that if I don't tell him that I love him, and he doesn't hear from me then maybe he will just think 'Well, she must have gotten sick of waiting around, and has gone off with her life' He normally says 'me too' back, but hasn't this week but I can sense that he is finding this week rather rough. I guess it's bit tricky for me, as we do have a complicated past, and he feels like I kind of bailed on him before. So I feel like I need to reassure and convince him that it won't be like that this time around.... What do u guys think?

yeah I know he still cares, but he doesn't even tell me he loves me anymore. so maybe some part of him has stopped loving me? I dunno. It certainly feels like it some days. Maybe he is incapable of loving anyone right now. I'm sure he still loves his family thou. like I said before if something like that happened to me, I think I would make a point of telling ppl i cared about and loved them that I love them whenever I can and treasure them more.

I dunno Pollara, I think it comes in waves. I felt like my guy was doing better last week, didn't contact him over the wknd, then msged tonite and I could tell that he felt really low and down. He said he was just having one of those days. I think that;s what makes it so much harder too. I never expect them to 'get over' it so to speak and u can't predict when they will be good consistently.. even if u think they're doing better, they may suddenly fall back into it. I wish I could think like u Pollara, but I do want to settle down and have a family soon. That's why I know I can't wait for him forever. and some days I do think what am I doing, maybe I need to be out meeting other ppl as it's never going to work between us. I know that's not a good way to think about it, but just like he can't help how he feels, I can't help how I feel about this either. Lately I have been feeling rather lonely and think it will be nice to have someone to share things with and can count on. I do know that maybe there will come a time when this kind of feeling will become really strong, and it may be before he is ready to deal with things.. I guess only time will tell..

Hi Pollara, no it's ok, no offence taken. Yes I understand what ur saying. and yes it's very possible that he will say exactly what ur suggesting. At the end of the day, we have had lot more time together and as much as I would like to just let him take his time and wait for him, part of me also feels although I understand that he is grieving, I would have liked to have thought that our bond and relationship would've been stronger... If you get what I mean.. It's not like we have only been dating few months.. we have known each other for 6 yrs now.. If grief is making him question wanting to be with me, I'm wondering maybe the relationship isn't any strong as I thought.. and some days I think what will extra few months change anything? I feel like even if I was to ask him in few months time what he wants, his answer will still be 'I dunno'... I have already invested a lot of time and emotion into the relationship.. I shouldn't have to convince him of wanting to be with me after all this time.. That's how I feel at times anyway..

Yeah I know... But like I was saying to Pollara, I'm not very good at being patient. But I really don't wanna screw things up this time around by rushing things. That's always been my downfall. patience is a virtue that i yet do not have but hope to have.

I'm glad to hear that ur bf made contact Pollara. And that he knows how he is treating u is awful!! I think it's really good how ur thinking about the whole situation. To wait until u return in November. which to me seems like such a long time and I'm not sure if I could be as patient as you!! I'm rather impatient so will find it really hard to do that! I think it's great how ur handling this whole situation. : )

I'm sorry to hear about ur x ignoring you Helena.. If they don't even have the decency to reply then I do agree with kayc , it is cowardly thing to do. You don't treat someone u love like that. The least they can do is to reply and say 'sorry i find it even too hard to reply sometimes' or along those lines. I was trying to give ur guy benefit of the doubt and putting him same box as my guy, but I'm starting to understand why u feel so angry at him.. I guess I asked why you don't get in touch with him as i assumed that he would reply if u texted him.. I guess it's bit different cuz my guy has not ignored my messages and always replies even if day late. we have actually been in touch daily this week. Kinda back to how it was, talking about random things and about what he is doing etc. Oh thanks Helena for your encouraging words. Yes I hope to prove him wrong and that he can trust me. : ) I feel really disappointed at ur x thou.. I guess i was still kinda hoping u guys would be able to work it out some how.. But I'm starting to get angry at him for u Helena, it is just so rude how he is treating u! My friend texted today asking for my guy's name for her wedding invite. When i read that msg I felt so sad and upset... I just didn't know what to say... as I haven't told her about what has been happening recently.. I texted my guy and told him I didn't know what to say. He said to just tell her his name and if I go and he doesn't go i can just say that he couldn't make it. He said it seems to be the best way to deal with it. I guess its good that he didnt say straight up, no sorry i won't be going? (he doesn't even know when it is and didn't ask actually) arghh who knows. I will see her on wknd so hopefully I don't get quizzed too much cuz i just don't have the energy to go into it.

oh sorry kayc, Deep and meaningful.

I know it's hard to believe that he cares about you when his actions are just so hurtful to you.. I know this sounds crazy, and I'm not encouraging you to stay in this weird limbo as it's making u really unhappy.. But as much as he is pushing u away, some part of him still needs u.. He just can't cope with his conflicting emotions of wanting to be alone but yet knowing someone is there for him.. Had D &M tonite with mine,, it seems that part of him hasn't forgiven me for not being there for him when his mum was sick.. He felt that I wasn't there for him when he needed me.. I still tried to be there for him as a friend but obviously the fact that our r/s broke down due to my incapability to stick it out meant that he doesn't trust me fully... Maybe part of him expects me to leave him again.. I guess i just wanted to say, u need to do what makes u happy, but there is a possibility that he may resent u for not having 'stuck it out' should u guy get chance to try it again. I guess that leaves u in even more of a hopeless and frustrating situation. But I believe that if u love someone enuf, u can learn to forgive and trust again. I mean ppl still manage to stay together even after affairs? so must be true somewhat

Aww Helena I'm sorry to hear about how sad ur feeling about the whole thing.. And yes I totally know what u mean about findig it hard to let go of that dream of the future together.. ESP when u think about the good times.. I don't think u should feel like ur weak because of how he is making u feel. Like kayc said its cuz u care and love him.. Love hurts... I don't know how I would react if I was going thru what they're going thru but I would hope that I would learn to appreciate ppl that love me even more and want to be with them more cuz I would realize life is short.

I actually asked my guy outright the other day if he thought we should break up for good. As I was Saying to him that although he says he loves me that I find it hard to believe sometimes and that everyone says actions speak louder than words. His reply was 'I just feel so tired. And I can't be what u need' So that was neither a yes or no I figured. I mean it could've been a no but maybe I chose to believe it wasn't? Anyway I said that I just feel so confused and lost and that I don't know what I should do. And he said that's how he feels..

Yup pollara I get what ur saying. Just my 2 cents worth on why he initiates conversation but doesn't really talk about what he has been upto, my guy said that he doesn't like talking to ppl about wots happening in his life (this was even before his dad passed) as he felt that he only had depressing things to talk about. And he said why would anyone want to hear about depressing and sad things? And maybe ur guy does want to hear about ur day and what uve been upto as he is genuinely interested. however he doesn't want to talk too much about what he has been doing or how he is feeling as he thinks it's all just depressing things or lame things. Also maybe he thinks u will eventually get sick of hearing about just unpleasant and unhappy things so just keeps it to himself? I guess that's kinda like human psyche. When there's a good news u wanna share it with everyone and when something bad happens u kinda wanna keep it private

He knows that I currently have no expectations makes him easier to open up? I dunno just a thought. Have a good day everyone!

Yeah I agree with kayc and pollara. Candy I think u should just ask him in a gentle manner what he would like u to do. And maybe let him know before that u would be ok and not feel hurt even if he said he doesnt want u there at the moment. Personally I feel like u may be doing ur r/s more harm than good if u were to move over now. ESP as u say he is exhibiting a lot of the signs like our guys r, withdrawing and shutting u out. I think that if I had been over there with him we would've definitely broken up as I would feel even more hurt and lonely. Being in a diff place from him and having our own lives makes it easier to handle the emotional shut down in a way. I'm just wondering how long u guys have been together also? I guess the longer u have been with ur partner maybe the more solid ur foundations would be? I think candy like we have all been saying to each other here give him some space, and if he feels like ur giving him any kind of pressure it's only going to make things worse. I heard from my guy last nite, replying to a text MSG that didn't really require reply. I just said hope ur day was good It was brief but he just mentioned that he went for dinner at a friends place. First time he actually volunteered info without me probing him! and wished me good nite. Maybe the fact

hmm i dunno if how people grieve would be indicative of their character. I think grief is something that is too unpredictable to say whether it follows a certain pattern or not. Pollara I guess only u can really say whether u think u know the real him or not. I totally understand how u feel but I also think maybe u need to cut him some slack? I mean he is going thru such a terrible time at the moment. I'm sure he does not mean to hurt you but it's pretty hard to try and be considerate of other people when ur so caught up in ur own feelings and emotions. I guess only you will know deep down if u can trust him again or not after this. I have been where you are feeling angry at him and for him to put us in this situation so to speak. But at the end of the day, u want to remember someone that u love with good and fond memories and not feeling of anger and resentment? That's how I feel about it anyway. Maybe try and remember the good times u guys had and even if this is the end of ur relationship at least u can look back with good feelings? I guess it's pretty much like what kayc said to us right at the start. only we know the limits of how much we can take and when to walk away.

Oh ok interesting. I never thought bout how he might feel like its pressure. I just figured anything that may help him to get thru what he is going thru will be good. I hope he doesn't resent me for it and will understand that I did it cuz I care. But I guess we will wait and see.

Oh, I ordered a book for my guy called 'the orphaned adult' by alexander levy. I haven't told him and it will just get delivered to his place. I figured that he is not gona go to counselling or even look for a book to read on grief etc, so he can choose the throw the book away once it gets there or there is a chance that he might read few pages here and there which may help him in some way.

Hello, a quick update, He texted back saying me too, and then on sunday he texted thanking me for the card. I texted back saying how was the wknd but didn't hear from him. I was bit sad as I was hoping to have phone conversation like last week. anyway, resolved not to contact him first, but caved AGAIN! and texted him saying 'so u dont wanna tell me about ur wknd?' today and he actually replied saying he didn't get the last message coming up so thought that I was ignoring him! and figured I was busy. anyway we messaged for a while, i didn't ask too many emotional questions but just said general statesments like 'things r rough for u huh? , lot harder than u imagined it would be' and how i feel very lost and confused about our situation and he says that's how he feels currently about everything. and that he is finding it hard to care about anything much. including me. He says he just wants me to be truly happy and i said that he makes me like that. I get the feeling that he is so unsure about everything that he seems unsure about his ability to make me happy. I read one of the books (did lots of reading on relationships on wknd!) that guys break up with girls when they feel like they can't make her happy as they see it as a failure on their part. like part of the guy's perception of their role is to make the girl happy. And if they feel like they can't do that then they will ususally end the r/s. Do u think maybe this is what happens a lot of times esp in cases like us? They're so unhappy and sad that they just can't imagine trying to make anyone else happy?

Helena, just wondering, how come you don't get in touch with him first again?