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I read a book over the weeknd called 'the rules' and it says that a girl should never move for a guy unless there has been some sort of commitment from the guy such as engagment or getting married. Otherwise the girl will eventually get resentful of the fact she sacrificed all these things to be with him and will put pressure on him to progress relationship further and how that will change the relationship dynamics. I never thought about it that way really. It was really enligtening in a way. Anywhoo I thought it was all very relevant to all of us in long distance and unsure of the future and of who will move etc.

Yikes! I'm sorry to hear about how much of a cowards ur previous exes were kayc! Good riddance I say!! A guy like that has no integrity!! Today was bit of a emotional roller coaster for me. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Yeah I know what ur saying Pollara. That's what my friend said also. That he may just be obliged to stay with me even if he was unhappy. In a way I guess I don't have to worry about that scenario as it's pretty much impossible for me to move anyway even if I wanted to. So in a sense that's one thing less for me to worry about.

Arghh so I caved, and sent him msg to say that I missed and loved him. I was buying flowers and card for mother's day and it made me really sad knowing that he could never do the same for mothers or father's day. and I felt so so sad for him. : (

Hey Helena, I think it's good that u don't rush in and make rash decisions cuz that's what I do and I've stuffed things up majorly because of that.. I felt like by me taking this approach this time around instead of rashly breaking up, (which I was totally prepared to do) that I was not making those mistakes again. But now I'm confused as to which one would have been better!! I was thinking maybe he doesn't even have the energy to beak up with me even it he wanted to? Arghh this sucks!! But then again I know it's million times worse for them. But some days I get sick of feeling like a 'martyr' (gross over exaggeration I know!) and just wanna have a nice normal relation ship.

Thanks for ur advices guys! Feeling little unsure and low today.. Talking to a friend last nite she brought up interesting point of maybe he has been subtly trying to break up with me and I'm not taking the hint? I mean he did say that he's not sure if he wants to be with me... So conflicting... He will tell me he still Ioves me if I say it first... But not voluntarily.. Maybe I'm being a complete tool by staying around when secretly he is just waiting for me to leave?! I feel like my negative evil side is coming out to play today... I saw pic on FB and he had shaved his beard but he didn't tell me.. I dunno why but I feel like its kinda a big deal (as he knew that I was ambivalent about the beard) and he didn't even tell me.. I guess cuz I'm used to him telling little things about his day etc but now he doesn't even tell me when his changed his appearance? I know I'm being little silly but kinda getting tired of trying to 'extract' information. They should just wanna share things.. I didn't message him back last time cuz he was at airport picking up friends. Figured he would be busy with them. Not sure if I feel like sending him an e card for tomorrow.. Might just sulk in the corner. Lol I totally understand what u guys mean about having no contact is preserving the love u have left for them Totally feeling conflicted now... Feel like not getting in touch with him like ever versus still trying to remember that he is grieving and sending a card for mothers day cuz I know he's gona find it really tough.. Might have to sleep on that one.

Hey guys, I don't think I could be as understanding as u pollara! That would definitely be a deal breaker for me! Sometimes when I have my down days I think maybe if he did do something like that it would be easy to let go.. Cuz that would be unforgivable in my books..

Hello and welcome candy! I'm sorry to hear about ur situation however. At least u guys r still together. In regards to me moving, we did casually mention the dilemma of where to live before his dad died and it is close to impossible for me to move there as I will have to change my field of career. I did suggest that maybe I should change it in order to move however it would be something that I did not want to do and he also knows first hand how hard I've worked for my career. And he also said that he does not want me to have to do that . I think moving there now is not an option as we're in a limbo. And I would've been sacrificing a lot by moving for him in first place, downgrade my career, take pay cut leave family and friends. Whereas if he was to move he would be having better job opportunities etc. Also by me moving I would've been losing my future support network later for my kids such as grandparents etc, and Im pretty sure that I don't want to bring up my kids like that. ESP as his parents aren't around anymore. It may sound selfish but I just know deep down that I won't be happy. I don't believe love conquers all if uve had to sacrifice everything to get it. Which is why I also understand that I may still learn to be content and happy but maybe not 'happier' if I was to be with someone that I didn't have to sacrifice everything to be with. Sure my guy may feel exactly the same but I did offer to move to a place that is in between. Where he has lived for a decade and has friends and it will still be in same country as my family. If he isn't even willing to compromise to that extent then I've decided that it's not gona work. I hope that answers ur question? I know that maybe some others could choose to sacrifice everything for love but I think I'm too much of a realist for that. I also agree with pollara that moving there for him would be that last thing he wants especially as he needs space from me. He needs to sort his own life out without me breathing down his neck I figured. I guess my thought process has also changed from few wks ago too.. I guess I was sure that he was the one I wanted to be with but being in this limbo has made me unsure now also. U can't keep being sure about someone if that other person is unsure about u.. My guy declined offer of counselling too. For now I'm in a defeated mood I guess. it's something totally out of my hands and he knows what he needs to do to make it work so I guess we wait and see..

*sigh* That's what my guy used to be like kayc. (first time around) I'm hoping that he is still there deep down... But currently hidden away by grief and unfair life events... That's what makes it so hard to let go...

Oh wow pollara ur so strong to not have any contact wth him! I'm having a very hard time with that! It's just really hard trying to restrain myself from telling him something that pops up during the day like I used to. I was sticking to no contact unless Initiated by him for a while but I have slipped last week or so. I figured it was silly to try and hold things in when I can just text to tell him as its not like he told me not to contact him. I guess it's a case of me being selfish and doing something that I wanna do. He still replies and things so that's why I keep doing it I guess? And maybe part of me is scared that if I was to just leave contact upto him that I'll never hear from him again. Anyway I refrained from contacting him today as it would've made it daily contact for last few days and wanted to give him some space. He's for friends visiting on wknd so might leave him to it but I think I will send him an e card for mothers day coming up letting him know that I'm thinking of him. Just curious, do u guys think that I shouldn't be contacting him like pollara and Helena? now that I'm over feeling mad and hurt about being locked out hard to figure out what I should be doing now?

Oh and about the ex fiancée thing on FB I Would say don't worry about it. If he wants to get back with her then there is nothing u can do and they pron deserve each other then. Also that gives u a clear decision as to what to do. I've decided that if my guy is thinking about wanting to be with someone else then I'm gona bolt! Cuz that's the last straw for me. I'm pretty sure he knows that if during this 'limbo' phase he does something that I would consider to be inappropriate for someone in a r/s, like say go out on a date or get cosy with someone I would leave him at the drop of the hat. It may sound bit hypocritical as I have subtley suggested that I may indeed be open to idea of going on dates with other ppl should the opportunity arise, but at the end of the day they're the ones that kinda wanted to call things off do I think we have the right to 'window shop' so to speak. I obviously wouldn't go any further then harmless dating before deciding which one to end and which one to continue thou

Aww I'm sorry to hear that u had a tough weekend I hope u feel bit better after ur rant Lol trust me I've thought the exact same thought of 'which I never met him' at times when I've been really upset about the whole thing but then I remember all the good times we had and think I wouldn't trade those for anything. Interesting what u say about the ex being bit of a doormat. I think I was maybe unintentionally thinking of becoming one by trying to hold r/s together earlier on. Like wondering if I should change my career to allow me to move to where he is etc. but it wasn't a serious thought and he nipped that in the bud saying that he wouldn't respect me if I did Like I said in my other post I don't think they will think we're doormats if we hung around but I guess if u think ur guy is not respecting u and treating u like crap then dont wait for him. Cuz u don't want to be with someone like that. But guess currently situation makes it hard to figure things out. I know my guy is one of the least selfish ppl I know so I don't mind him being 'selfish' for now. But I guess for u Helena uve said that he can be rather selfish and childish so hard to say. I figured that he knows where I am and what he needs to do in order for us to be together so he can just come find me when he is ready and meantime I'll be getting on with my life. Do u think Helena if u were to maybe show him u were doing ur own thing and getting on with ur life without him so to speak it might somehow make him see that time won't hold still in this current limbo forever?

Hello everyone! Oh yes Helena my holiday planning is going really well actually! I asked him once and for all if he still wanted me to take him on hols, to which I already knew the answer to but thought I would just check before I went ahead and booked things. Obviously he said he didnt feel like going so now I have a pretty exciting hols planned just for me! Which meant that I get to choose wherever I wanted to go! I've always wanted to go see oranguatans so off to the Bourneo jungle I go! in regards to the view from the other side, I really don't think the guy was thinking about anything too much but to just get over the grief. He probably neither expected her to hang around or to move on. He did what he needed to do in order to get thru his grief and prob thougt he would deal with the other stuff later. I lean more towards with what pollara is saying thou, I don't think he would've taken the girl for granted if she had stuck around. I would think maybe it would make him appreciate her more for sticking it out with him. But then again guess he didn't contact her for ages. I wonder if she had tried to contact him in that time? Hard to know really. Oh wow Helena I didn't realize that ur guy's mum passed away in December. I assumed it was more recent. 5 months huh, that's rather discouraging for me. I was thinking maybe this is the worst of it but maybe it will just get worse. I understand how ur feeling about the whole thing as that's how I feel sometimes too. that maybe sticking around for a while isn't such a big deal if I'm gona have a lifetime of happiness with him after. But I guess for now I'm just having to go with the flow. I'm letting him be and hope that he realizes that he does wanna be with be and appreciates all the things I've done for him. And funny enough just like u, guys r coming out of nowhere! getting contacted by single 'acquaintances' who have no way of knowing about my personal life! As no mutual friends and I don't have r/s status on FB Im actually finding it pretty funny cuz it's so random yet I'm like geez how did they time it so well?!! Lol But for now I'm happy to just let things play out on its own. Life works in funny ways so maybe there is some logic behind it all. I guess I'm in a slightly different situation thou as apart from him shutting me out for which he does feel bad about he hasn't really said or done anything to hurt me so to speak. And I know the he really does just want me to be happy whether it's with him or without him. I really do hope that he will suddenly have an epiphany that I am the one for him once and for all but not holding my breath. I don't think u should worry too much about 'what if' Helena. Even if u move on doesn't mean u can't have another chance with him. Maybe u will have moved on and then he has that epiphany. U can reassess the situation then and go from there. U might realize that ur happier in ur new rs with someone new or u might want to give things another go with him. I've learnt that just when u think u finally got life all figured out it throws u a curve ball!

Hello everyone, No updates from Helena or pollara for few days hope ur both doing ok I'm doing well, have busy weekend, and I talked to my guy via Skype for first time in a month actually. Was hard because he sounded sad and depressed and I shed few tears as I has been missing him a lot lately. Have been in touch little more since, mainly initiated by me as I had few good news about my career I wanted to tell him about. Still don't know how it's all gona turn out but we're having conversations like we used to before. About how the day was and other random things It's comforting to know that he will still respond to my contact and not ignore me. Well that's about all actually, hope everyone is doing ok!

How ru going Helena? Any updates?

Oh no Kayc!! I'm so sorry to hear about ur accident!! Hope you've sorted it all out and get to enjoy the weekend. Its disappointing to hear that Jim didn't answer ur call either. It sounded like u could've really used a friend in ur time of need but he wasn't here for u. I don't know what Jim is thinking, as he is older and has more life experiences than me so I think any perspective I would have would not be as qualified or experienced your ones. Yeah I tried to see if any friends wanted to go with me, but they couldn't get time off when I had my hols... I went travelling by myself for first time last year. I really only had few days on my own as I had friends in the places I went to. I know I can do it but it's something that I would prefer not having to do... I was actually gona send my guy text to wish him happy b'day party but I was pretty busy today so didn't get around to it. Maybe I'll hear from him on the weekend maybe I won't. I have no expectation from him anymore so doesn't really hurt my feelings anymore that I haven't heard from him for few days. Already a month since his dad passed away, and he seems to be going into his cave even more. Wish I had a crystal ball and knew how much longer it will go on for. : (

I'm currently having the dilemma of planning my holiday. I was gona take him on holiday for his b'day but now that def isn't an option! it's kind of hard to get excited for a holiday when it's gona end up becoming a solo trip I was feeling very positive about everything in the morning but this holiday planning is making me feel down... Pollara I read that post somewhere too. sad really isn't it. I wonder if the girl is happier thou... I sometimes think that maybe I would be happy too with someone else who can offer me the things that my guy can't offer right now. Like commitment and plans for the future and companionship.. Such a tricky situation that we all find ourselves in...

Oh ur dog ur so adorable kayc!! Yes dogs r so awesome!! I have a family dog that's 18 yo now! We took him to vet cuz he kept losing weight but he is too old to have anything done. I might be posting in the losing a pet section in the future. Anyway thanks for all ur support again. I was just thinking Helena do u think maybe ur bd didn't know himself how hard it would hit him? Maybe it is due to the fact that now both of his parents r gone? My guy seemed to cope ok when his mum died (we weren't together then thou) And I thought he coped brilliantly when he was taking care of his dad. It was at the back of my mind thou that maybe he will suddenly change and not wanna be with me. I actually looked up how grief can affect relationships as soon as his dad died as I wanted to prepare myself for how he would cope. But he said to me few wks after that he didn't think it would hit him this hard. And that he feels like he is still just a kid left alone in the world now. I would definitely losing one remaining parent would be lot harder than still having one parent surviving?

Hi Helena Please don't apologize for feeling like ur just repeating urself here! That's what this is for and we're all in the same boat! Just in different phases I guess. I know it's really hard to just accept the thing that u want the most is totally out of ur control and that u have to just 'accept' it Don't know if this helps at all but when I was talking to my guy I said how I feel like I've supported him And been there all throughout. But now he doesn't want me to be there. He said maybe that's why I don't know what exactly he meant by that but thinking about it maybe they feel like they've already used us for emotional support and 'burdened' us with enuf things already? Hence they feel like they can't burden with us anymore as they will start to feel guilty and Feel like they are getting emotionally dependent on us? I dunno. Just a thought. I'm kind of like that in the sense I have 2 best friends. But I won't always tell both of them about a dilemma or stressful time I'm having. Sometimes I even lean on not so close friends for advice and help instead of them. I guess I kind of 'rotate' them as I feel like I don't want to be this depressing emotional wreck all the time to them. Give them bit of a breather so to speak. I've also kind of distanced myself from one of my besties currently and lean on my other one for advice currently as I just don't feel like talking about my current problem. I don't know why. She's always been the one I turn to whenever I was stressed or having rocky patch with my guy. Maybe it's cuz I feel like I've already talked so much about the relationship to her before? I can't explain why but I just feel like not really talking to her and shutting her out until I get over this. I know she feels neglected somewhat but I can't seem to help myself and she is one of my dearest friend. I know it feels like u won't be happy again but give it some time. And even without having to make any kind of decision things will play out without ur input and u will be in a better place. We're all here for u so feel free to vent any time.

Yeah I think in these cases the griever doesn't know what they want. They probably go from oh I miss her to oh no I can't cope with being in relationship currently. Maybe similar to what we're going thru, going from oh I will leave him, then next minute no I will give him more time (lol talking about myself) Which is why they get in touch after going MIA and then confuses us even more!! I think ur bf is right pollara. Don't overthink it. Just go with the flow. If he initiates contact and u feel like talking to him then do so but if u feel like its gona maybe hurt u more then don't.

Oh wow! Very interesting indeed!! Definitely disproves my theory that it's mainly males that can't cope with relationships!

I also second what pollara is saying about u having 2 options currently. I think choosing no 2 does not mean its the end good bye. I think lettin it go and seeing what happens might be the best way to deal with things for now? Like the saying if u love something set if free? I said to my guy that I found my way back to him after we broke up first time and that if he finds his way back to me after this then we will really know that we're meant to be? Don't worry about him finding another girl or anything like that. That's his loss if he chooses someone over u.

I can totally understand ur frustration Helena!! Arghh yes think all of us here can relate to exactly what ur goin thru. I do agree with kayc and pollara. I think all this is due to grief. I have also been looking into how guys deal with stress (going back to good old men are from Venus and women r from Mars) and from lot of what I've read from research I think lot of guys just shut down. My friend did actually point out to me that the my guy is just being the caveman he is and it is one of the things I like about him, versus someone more in 'touch' with his feelings, she also pointed out how I didn't like how my ex was like that. Lol But I have also read that grief makes u question and reevaluate everything. I like to believe that if our love is strong enough then that they will find their way back to us. I guess today I'm feeling more optimistic. but I guess in my case my guy has been more clearer about things which helps..

Hey guys, Thanks for all ur replies! Yeah I'm feeling lot better. I slept really well last nite for first time in a while! We ended the conversation in a really good note. He was saying how he knows that this is hurting me and that he doesn't like that. But he can't help himself. And then when he says sorry he genuinely means it. He said that he could lie and tell me the things that I would wanna hear but he thinks he at least owes me honesty. To which I said that I really appreciate it and for him to continue to do so. I said that I only want what's best for him and how it's so confusing for me. And that I just want I be able to help him. He said that he doesn't wanna be helped and that there is nothing I can do. I could sense that he was feeling really bad about the whole situation. Anyway as we were saying goodnite I asked if it was still ok to tell him that I love him to which he replied of course, and me too. So Helena I guess I've just left things the way it is as I feel that I can't be angry at him for something that he can't help himself. And I know that he would want to have things differently if he had control over it. And at the end of the day like I said to him: although the current situation makes me feel angry and resentful I'm trying to change how I feel about it because when u love someone u try and be understanding. At the end of the day I feel that we're both not ready to walk away yet because we have so much history together and still love each other... maybe with him going into the 3rd decade now he may want to start fresh as majority of all our 20's were spent with each other.. Who knows...

Oop so it seems that I'm like having a conversation by myself currently due to my numerous posts but I thought I would just posr latest update. He messaged tonite (he messaged last nite but I was out so didn't reply til this morning) and i kinda told him all the things I mentioned above. I said what he is doing is hurting me so much and he said that he is sorry but doesn't know why he feels that way. He said that he doesn't have energy to have this conversation and I kinda said that I dont know if me being in ur life is making things worse for u, and that I just want what's best for him. And how I feel so confused. anyway he said that he feels like he just wants to be alone and that he feels like he needs to share his emotions with me if I'm around when all he wants to do is just keep it all to himself. He said that he hates the fact that he is hurting me unintentionally but that's just how it is for now. I felt so much better and then we joked about how he is going into his cave. I knew all along that I shouldn't take it personally but I think we've all experienced it first hand how hard it is not to take it personally. But hearing him say that it is definitely not his intention to hurt me or shut me out but that he can't help it for now really confirmed it. I feel like a big load has been lifted off and I've told him that it will be the last time I bring it up because I finally 'get it' He was like I've been trying to tell u this all this time and I was like yes I know but it is so confusing for me cuz that's not how girls think! anyway it was his bday today. I think that's what triggered my emotional outburst. I hated the thought of missing out on something big in his life. But i guess at the end of the day if my absence will make him happier than I'm happy. In a weird sad way. Lol