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This is what I'm thinking about sending; I will sleep on it tonite and see how I feel tomorrow.. Yes or no? I don't know how to explain this but I feel like I've been there to support you and be there for u during all the tough times u had and now suddenly u just literally throw me off to the side of the curb and lock me out of ur life? I know u say u care about me, but I can't help but think that I don't think I would turn against someone that I cared about who had been supportive of me and treat them like s*** really. Yes it still does hurt a little that u will celebrate ur b'day with everyone but I, and that ur continuing to socialise with everyone else but me. Maybe u can't explain how ur feeling and ur actions but do u honestly think that I would ever do the same to u? Turn to everyone else but you when I was going thru a such a difficult time and share my life with everyone but u? Maybe your idea of having a 'partner' is different to mine. I want someone that will be there for the good and the bad. and I'm not gona shut them out when times get bad. You say u love me but this isn't how u treat ppl that u love.

I was just thinking how I have been there supporting him all thruout and these 'friends' that're visiting haven't really been all that great at keeping in touch while his parents were sick. I'm starting to feel pretty peeved about the fact that when i've been the one there for him that he doesn't even have the common decency to treat me like a 'friend' and instead is willing to hang out with ppl that he isn't even all that close to? Arghh I was doing so good, but now I am starting to get angry again!! I feel like having a go at him. I feel like saying, how would u feel if I was treating u how u were treating me now, and the situation was reversed? Do u think u would be happy with how I was making u feel? I feel like just saying whats on my mind and ending it so I can just forget about him and move on. What do u think?

Thanks kayc Feeling little contemplative today. Found out that he has a friend visiting him in few weeks and also next month. Seems like he is happy to have friends visit but I am barred from visiting so to speak? I've been doing well but can't help but feel hurt again. Seems like I've gone from someone special to someone who may as well not exist? I was close to sending him a rather hurt message but I shall refrain. Guess if we just keep drifting apart it may become easier at the end when it really is over for good.

I'm sorry to hear that ur going thru such turmoil atm Helena. I think this is a situation that can't be solved or worked out right now and I think it would be best if u walked away (temporarily) for now. The dilemma u guys have about eventually moving is same as us. My guy loves where he is as its his hometown and his siblings r there and as both his parents passed away there he feels very strong connections there. However it is impossible for me to move due to my career. He himself knows that the logical thing would be for him to move. But it's to a city where he has no friends and connection. and he does not want me to sacrifice my career as he knows how hard I've worked for it. I think the added pressure of the fact that he may have to leave his hometown behind just makes the relationship to hard to deal with. They're not in the right frame of mind to think about the future currently. I sense that he is just in a survival mode and trying to get by day to day. So the last thing I would want to do is to rock the boat and pressure him into thinking about 'our future' I agree with kayc. They're just in a big fog not really competent to make any kind of decision. Just let him be and if it's making u unhappy how r is currently u should give urself a break and time out for ur own santity. I've been there thinking why can't he just think in a logical sensible way? But I realized that's too much to ask from them right now

Hi pollara I'm with u 100% and I think ur friends who r saying that maybe he has met another girl do not understand the situation at all. I think going into relationship with someone new at this stage would be the last thing he wants! Why would he wanna date someone new if he can't even manage to keep a nice happy relationship going? If u were in the same place then yes maybe it would've been harder for him to distant himself from u. But then again I think it would've made it harder for u too. Ur lives will be so interlinked that the rejection and shutting out will feel even worse. At least with all of us being in long distance, we still have our normal lives that we can continue while we're in this phase however imagine what it would've been like if we didn't have separate lives from them. Think all of us would've been in bit of a mess!

Hi Helena I'm little concerned about ur comment about him being controlling? I guess we dont know then if he is just using this to his advantage as u say If I was you I would date other ppl while he's figuring things out. Im not encouraging u to go into another relationship but just harmless dating. It'll certainly help u to keep ur mind off him! and that way ur regaining some control of ur life. Whilst I wouldn't say to him that I'm gona date other ppl just let him know that ur gona be living ur life and that if opportunity arises for u to meet new ppl then u wouldn't be turning it down. If he can't give u commitment now then no reason to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind. Ur technically a single girl until he can commit again. He has to realize that ur life will go on with or without him and that the option of him being in ur life as a boyfriend is not gona be available for infinite amount of time

Hi Helena, Wow reading about ur situation is like déjà vu for me (long distance, how ultimately one of u will have to move etc) I'm happy to hear that u guys r back in touch for now. But at the same time I'm sorry to hear that it's making u feel like ur stuck in a limbo. I agree with what Pollara and kayc are saying. I don't doubt that he still cares for u and deep down does want to be with u. But he probably feels like the amount of emotional investment needed for a relationship let alone a long distance one is prob bit much for him currently. I don't know ur guy but if he's like mine, he is prob a genuine caring person who doesn't play games. But at the moment it prob feels like he is playing with ur mind due to his uncertainty and indecisiveness. Im sure that's not his intention but he prob jus doesn't know how to handle life currently due to his grief. I think even if u manage to get an answer out of him in regards to ur r/s, as in he agrees to try again it may not be the best option long term as he prob isn't ready for one, and it may mean that u guys run into trouble again. So I think maybe it would be best to just be friends for now and wait until u both feel ur ready? Then ur r/s probably has more of a chance working out for the best. Ur still young and I guess ur in no rush to start family or anything? I think maybe use this opportunity to build on ur relationship but more as a friend, which means that should u guys get back together at a later date that u have even stronger foundation for ur r/s? He prob knows that ur a great catch and doesn't wanna lose u but at the same time feels uncertain if he has the energy to maintain a r/s. U don't want to be in a r/s with someone that only has 50% of their emotion invested in it. U derserve someone who can give u their full attention and love. Hope ur feeling bit better!

Hi Pollara. Yes I agree! Out of sight out of mind! I think it's great that ur doing what feels right for u. I guess we will never understand exactly what they're thinking so instead of trying to second guess and figure them out, (which we will never be able to do as we're not them) just do what u want to do. I've been reading a bit about how men and women cope differently with stress and men really are unable to multi task. They can only focus on one thing at a time (grieving) and are unable to even entertain any other thoughts at the same time (such as being in r/s) They just go into their cave and hide out whereas girls are more likely to talk about their feelings etc. So let him be a caveman for a while. No one will be able to drag them out of it until they're willing to walk out of the cave themselves

Thanks guys! Think without all ur help so far that I definitely wouldn't be in my current frame of mind. Lol no I'm just an average person like u Helena! I'm sure u will be just as strong as me and more! I figured although the circumstances that we currently find ourselves in is totally unexpected and out of our hands, I am in control of my life and how I choose to think about it. Although the thought of being single and 30 terrified me (lol!) I figured that instead of being scared and moping around for the future that I may not have anymore with him, I should just embrace the unknown. And it's also kind of exciting as now I'm thinking gee I really don't know what my life would be like in 12 months time... like who will I be with and what kind of future will I be planning then?! I think being in a new environment definitely helps too. (change of scenery?) Thanks again for all ur support. Much appreciated. and yes I'll definitely keep u guys posted!! Hopefully I continue to do well and not spiral into depression or something!

Hi guys thanks for ur kind words I'm doing lot better now. I've accepted things for what it is now. I no longer hold out hope of us gettin back. if it happens great, if it doesn't then hopefully it is because there is someone out there who is more well suited for me. He got in touch after few days. We messaged for a while. He told me about what he had been upto. I asked about his bday party plans. I told him I'm moving to a new place. General chit chat. He sounded like he's keeping himself busy to keep his mind off things. kind of like what I've been doing. I've pretty much scratched all my future plans that I had before. Which involved him obviously. And started making new ones. I'm definitely moving forwards with my life now and i know that there will come a time when I feel ready to date again. I guess then I will have to reassess the situation and really close the chapter. I do believe everything happens for a reason. Although I regret my break up the first time around it allowed me the opportunity to appreciate him more and love him unconditionally. If we make it thru this it will make our r/s more stronger than ever. But if we don't then I guess maybe its because he is not the same person I fell in love with. Although he was never overly ambitious he wasn't a drifter. But maybe after everything that has happened he will just give up and drift along life instead of taking a chance and working towards what u want.

Hi pollara. Glad to hear that ur feeling better about things. I guess what will be will be. Im finding that everyday is getting easier for me so hopefully u will find it easier too as time goes. Im keeping myself busy and I'm making new plans for the future which is exciting and scary at the same time. I no longer have any expectation or hope for reconciliation. life is too short to be with someone that doesn't wanna be with me I've decided.

Thanks guys for your kind words. It's now day 4 of no contact. Which feels like it's been a week nearly! I was so close to texting today to say 'Do u sometimes feel like ur life is so broken that u can't ever see it being perfect again?' cuz that's exactly how I've been feeling. When we were together first time around, everything was so perfect. sad thing is I don't think I realized it at the time and I took it for granted. Both of his parents were still alive, he was a wonderful bf and we were planning a future together. until I screwed up. But I now realized the illness of his mum and his dad might have still taken a toll on our relationship (we would've been married however) so maybe things would've turned out different I don't know. I suspect this is how he is feeling too. That his world is just so shattered that he can't ever imagine being able to pick up the pieces and it's probably too much to even think about trying to put it together. He worries about me normally and for him to not be in touch for so long (in our terms) really shows that he's not himself... as in he really has stopped caring? I dunno. I will try and hold off on contacting him until his bday I think. and then will just send happy b'day msg and check if he is doing ok. by then it would've been over a week and half without any contact. I know it'll get better but I don't know if I believe it... I can't imagine my life ever being as good as it once was... I wish I could turn the clock back and freeze it and at least have had the sense to appreciate how perfect it was then..

Hi again Kayc I'm finding it really hard to deal with this anger currently. It's like all of a sudden I've suddenly gone from loving him to hating him. I'm so so angry at him... Thankfully I have enough sense than to write an angry email to him.. If we were still in touch think i would've said to him no more, we're over. but I guess because we're not in touch that will have to wait. I know this is not healthy and I hope I will get over it soon cuz I know it's not healthy. Actually I feel like I'm angry at the world in a way.. It doesn't seem fair that some people can just take things that seems so out of reach for me (like living in same city, being able to be with the one u love) for granted and have it so easy.. ok vent over. I'm so glad I found this forum btw... Otherwise I've spent lot more sleepless nites and would've shed more tears.. Thanks again

Hi Kayc and Pollara. I think I'm in the process of grieving too actually. for the loss of my relationship... I haven't heard from him for few days now. Although I would like to be there for him as a friend, if he can't even be bothered to ask 'how was ur day' or simple 'goodnite' then I figured well whats the point in caring. I think I'm currently in the 'anger' phase. Maybe last week I was in the denial stage. Hence why I was putting us on a 'pause' cuz I didn't wanna believe it was over. But now I'm starting to feel angry.. Everyday that I don't hear from him, I feel like is actually doing us more harm.. Cuz i'm starting to emotionally distance myself from him. and yes I do think after all the support that i've given him in last few months for him to react this way isn't how u treat a loved one. I am starting to doubt his love for me and yes, I am now wondering if I even want to try and work it out with him if and when he is ready. I've decided that I'm not even going to bother to message him on his b'day next week. Why bother to care about someone when they don't want u to care? I'm aware that I may sound like a totally selfish person considering what he is going thru, but isn't there a saying that love is only a shade different from hate? If he is willing to throw away all the years and memories we shared and block me out, then I do think I deserve someone better.

Hi Pollara, Sorry to hear of your current situation. Which you will find from here isn't that unique unfortunately. I feel like it rings a lot of bells for me, being in long distance and all. I say don't go. I had similar situation. in the end despite knowing that I had booked flights to go see him for his b'day when pushed (as I had to let work know if I needed days off or not) he said i shouldn't come. I don't think u going will help the situation in any way and may just hasten the inevitable. Currently I feel like by putting us on a 'break' that i'm just delaying the inevitable. Do I have hopes for my relationship to work out? No not really. and We have lot of memeories and good times together. I'm slow accepting the fact that maybe this is it. And trying to imagine my future without him. Yeah I've been thinking maybe he just doesn't love me enough. And it makes things little easier actually. If he is willing to let go of me and the relationship after all that we have been together maybe his love for me just wasn't strong enuf. I guess I'll never know not being in his shoes. I'm sorry which I could say more positive things...

Thanks kayc for ur advice again! I got so worried that I messaged him to ask if he was ok. He replied and then told me about his day and we messaged back and forwards for about an hour. I told him that I'm not leaving him and that I'm just putting us on a 'pause' for now so he will have one less thing to worry about. But that I'll still be his friend and be around. We said goodnite and i said love u, to which he replied me too. I haven't messaged him today at all. It's nearly his bedtime now. I'm confused about whether I should wait for him to message or whether I should be messaging and asking how his day was etc. cuz when I do message he responds to it like he did before. Telling me about his day, his dream (he has been having lots of bad dreams lately) and he doesn't see annoyed or anything like that. Do u think I should just wait for him to get in touch with me, just continue to keep in touch as he still seems very receptive to me messaging him. I'm worried that if I just wait for him to MSG that he will just keep withdrawing further (he turned down my offer of organizing some counselling for him) but I do wanna give him space... Althought he never specifically said he wants no contact or space and kept saying that he does want me in his life. Do u think this is time when I should jus put on my 'friends' cap and keep in touch with him still? (we were friends for 2 yrs before we started dating and also were friends when we were broken up) Your thoughts will be much appreciated. Thanks again!

Thanks kayc. I guess we are now on break or broken up.... although we did not say such things out loud, despite knowing that I've booked my flight for his bday he doesn't want me to come. I guess we both can draw our conclusions from that I feel like I have a knot in my chest since it happened. I have held back on urge to MSG him. We ended conversation mid way the other nite . He hasn't msged me. And I haven't attempted to. I don't know if he thinks I'm still angry at him or not. Cuz in my moment of feelin hurt I did say that he was cruel. he just kept saying that he was sorry. He normally messages another friend daily yet I can see that he hasn't been on the application for messaging since we ended conversation half way. (not on bad terms or anything, I was out and i kept in suggesting alternative ways for me to help with his party) I did send some inspiration pictures via email and that I'm giving him space and for him to get in touch. My question is, he always replies when I do MSG. And we do have conversations and he will tell me how he is feeling etc. this is getting to 2nd day of no messaging. Im starting to get concerned. If he had been online to MSG the other friend I wouldn't be so worried. Cuz at least I'll know that he is intentionally ignoring me. Last time we were messaging he did open up and mention that he didn't think it would hit him so hard and how he feels like he's still a kid. And how unstable and lost he feels. And he was also talking himself down which he never does cuz he is very confident and I always tease him that he rates himself too much at times. I feel like if I was to message and ask if he is ok he will at least reply. I'm not sure what to do... I'm worried...

Hi Helena, I'm glad that I could of a help somewhat during this difficult time.. As for me I still haven't made firm decision yet. I feel like I'm not ready to let go yet but now I lack motivation to keep going. I feel like I don't wanna deal with it and make any decisions and am gona bury my head in the sand like he is doing. I'm not gona get in touch with him unless he contacts me first. I haven't told him that I'm giving him space or a break yet so if he takes that as a sign that maybe i'm still angry and that he is just gona let me be and draw his own conclusions about the relationship that's upto him. I was gona take him away on holiday for his b'day present but now i realise that would be the one present he would never wanna get as it involves seeing me. So instead I have been looking into maybe organising some grief counselling for him. Have u ever suggested or considered this option to ur ex? My bf (or ex i'm not sure about my r/s status anymore) does at times open up to me about how he is feeling. once we have no contact I'm worried about who he will confide in. maybe he confides to other ppl already I dunno. But he is always the stoic type so i doubt this very much. I hate the thought of him not being able to confide in anyone once I'm not there. I figured at least if he has a counsellor or somewhat that he can confide in, that I won't worry so much. I know what u mean about giving up 3 months of ur life when his mum was really sick. Ever since we got back together I have been the one planning my life around him and holding the r/s together as he was preoccupied with looking after his dad. but I guess for me collectively it has been lot longer than 3 months and hence why he doesn't want me to wait around even more for him. I feel like ur ex bf does want u close by but not too close. It seems that everytime he feels like ur getting out of his grasp he tries to 'reel' u back in. It sounds like he does still care about u a lot but just isn't in the right frame of mind. I've also decided that I'm gona block my bf on FB as seeing pictures of him having fun at his party without me would be the last thing I need now. The fact that he can still enjoy life and have fun in life without me and be ok with it hurts too much. Part of me wishes that he was curled up in bed crying then at least maybe he will let me look after him? but I know that ultimately that's worse for him. Do u think it's possible that currently thinking of u just reminds u too much about his mum. u were there when she was really unwell and obviously the memories of her will be connected to u also. And currently thinking about her is too much for him. maybe once he can look back and think of her with fond memories he will also remember the good times u guys had. I read on the internet somewhere that a girl going thru similar situation, her bf said that he felt like he has a wheelbarrow that is so overloaded with things that he feels like it's wheels are gona fall off. and that he really didn't care what it took to make the load lighter, or what kind of thing he got rid of in that process as long as it lessened his load. in their case it was obviously the relationship.. since it's such a significant part of ppl's life. It sounds like he does care about u, but he just can't deal with things and he is not in the right frame of mind. I'm glad that you have realised that you could meet someone else and be happy with them too. I feel that lot of people aren't necessarily with their 'soul mates' yet are happy and even soulmates break up. I guess it's just learning to deal with what you have and don't have. Hope ur feeling bit better everyday. :

Hi Helena, I don't know if there is any advice I can offer you... Reading about ur r/s makes me feel like I'm reading about mine just with different names.. my relationship is holding on. by a thread.. but not much of a relationship really, since we're long distance, and he doesn't wanna see me or talk to me on phone, yet we message everyday. maybe a penpal would be more suitable... Yes, it tears me up inside too seeing my bf going out with friends, and letting other people into his lives but just blocking me out. I know we're not suppose to take it personally but how can you not, when it's just you that has been singled out.. Same story with me too. he loves me, wants me in his life, rah rah etc. He hasn't snapped at me yet or gotten angry at me yet. Just keeps saying sorry. but I can sense it's coming soon. And I'm pretty certain that it will end up playing out like urs did. Yeah I wonder about that too. whether the guy that I fell in love is lost forever.. he himself suggested maybe that I loved the old him. maybe i did i don't know. This is already our second try at giving our r/s another go. So I wanted to really try and make it work.. since I was the one that screwed up last time. But I can sense that its truly out of my hands... and nothing I can do can change the ultimate outcome. whatever that might be. I admire you for having been so strong so far. And I hope that there will come a time when he realises that he was acting totally out of character and wasn't thinking right. But from what I've read so far with other ppl it doesn't sound promising... I think you should continue to do what u've been doing and not have any contact. He is obviously living his life and I don't think we should sit around moping hoping for them to come back. Cuz it'll just make u feel even worse about urself. I'm a self confident and secure woman normally but I feel like what has been going on currently is turning me into someone I don't like.. insecure self doubting person. That's why I'm contemplating leaving. If I don't like myself how can I expect someone else to like me? And obviously for you, ur not liking whom ur ex bf has become. Maybe for now it's better to tell yourself that you don't want to be with this person that he has become and that you will move on with your life? and if it's meant to be then he will come back. Easier said than done I know. I think that's what I'm gona do. I don't wanna be with someone that makes me feel crap about myself even if it's unintentional. and I think for now I also have to accept that the person I fell in love may be gone forever. There is no point waiting around for ur ex bf if there is no gurantee that he will return to the guy u fell in love with. I think maybe think about the things that he has said and done and think, would I ever do that to someone I truly cared and loved? I figured in the end it's easy to let go if u convince urself maybe he just doesn't love u enuf despite him saying so.. otherwise how can u try and justify all the hurtful things he did to u? Even if ur heart doesnt believe it.... My bf said the same thing that he feels it's unfair on me to be waiting around. Part of me feels that if I went back to being the happy confident person that he once fell in love with, when he starts to be able to deal with things again, that maybe he will come back. but no gurantee that I'll still be available of course. I think the chances of them wanting to get back with a mopey depressed girl is very low... I think it's time to get angry!! wot? ur ex bf went off on holiday to Vegas? when ur going thru such a tough time from what he did to u? Has he actually considered for a minute how his actions may have deeply affected someone? well doesn't sound like it. No need to worry about someone that doesn't worry or care about u for now. You deserve someone better. Why should we put our lives on hold while they're resuming their life. (rather well it seems) ur still young, you have plenty of time to get back with him at a later date if things works out. As for me I'm at the stage where I want to settle down and have kids so maybe that's why I'm leaning towards not waiting around. It sounds like he still cares about you and won't be dating anyone anytime soon. So maybe use this opportunity to see what else is out there. and if he does come back u can be more confident that he really is the man u wanna be with. Hope I helped somewhat but I feel like I should be last person giving u an advice really!

I'm currently wondering if it'll be cruel and inconsiderate to cut off all contact with him if I do decide to leave. Unlike other ppl's situation he hasn't asked for me a break or to break up. He keeps saying he does still want me in his life... But it seems so contradictory that he wants me to be in his life yet doesnt want to see me or share things with me? Yet I feel like if I don't cut off all contact I'll be stuck in this limbo and not be able to move on with my life..

Thanks kayc for ur kind words. Yes I talked to him about it today and he tells me all the things I've been expecting to hear from reading this forum. That he feel lost and that he can't connect with anyone at the moment. That he does still want me in his life yet part of him doesn't want me to be there for him and he can't explain why. He also did mention maybe it is the old him that I love and that maybe he won't come back. He mentioned that he feels emotionally shut down at the moment. I do want to give him space at some part of me knows that if he chooses celebrates his 30th bday with everyone else but me that I will somehow always resent him. And that it could end up being a deal breaker. He says that he feels like there is too much pressure for him to deal with if I was there. I suggested that maybe he just views me as a friend for now which we're also but he says he will find it difficult to separate the two. Part of me also feels like he is trying to prevent himself from getting even more hurt cuz he doesn't totally trust me in some way as I broke up with him last time when things got tough I guess. Im constantly in two minds about what I should do currently. I feel like it would be so much easier to give up on things now. But part of me also feels guilty that I'm bailing on him again when things get tough. it's really hard not to feel selfish but I guess u can be in a relationship if it's making u miserable at the end. it's hard to let go when u know that both of I love each other and only want what's best for the other person. He says all he wants is for me to be happy and live wonderful life. Something he feels like he can't offer... cuz he is a mess currently. Sometimes life can be so cruel can't it? U have two people who love each other yet can't be together...

Hi everyone, I would appreciated some advice. I'm aware there are several people that have gone through similar things so would like to know what I should do. Long story cut short, Dated for 3.5yrs mostly long distance, got engaged, short while after his mum got dx with cancer and he had to move to another country to be close to her (indefinitely) and I couldn't move, I couldn't see doing more long dist for indefinite amount of time, I initiated break up. We were still on good terms. in touch everyday, was still like best friends. . I really wanted to move on as I felt like too many things were against us being together. Dated few other ppl, but realised that he was the one that I really wanted still. Got back together 2 yrs later, (only few months ago) During time we were apart his dad got dx with cancer few months after his mum died. We're both 29 btw. His dad passed few weeks ago, I flew over for funeral etc and he has been doing ok, we're still in touch daily, he still tells me he loves me but he just isn't sure about anything anymore. He is not sure if he wants to be with me long term or even now. He just doesn't know he says. Also being with me long term means he has to move away from his siblings who he is close to. It's his 30th b'day and he isnt sure if he wants me to go visit him although he is having a party for it. I'm trying to not take this personally but feel so hurt. he even has other friends flying in for it. It's like he wants everyone there but me. I've asked him if I should just give him space and not contact him but he says that he wouldn't contact me if he didn't want to. We talk about light hearted things most times, similar to what we were doing before. Sometimes he will say things like he is trying to hold everything together and just little comments that does suggest he is trying to be strong. He hasn't suggested we break up however says that he knows he is being unfair to me and that he will understand if i chose to leave. He has been thru the most traumatic time in the last 2 yrs, and now with both of his parents gone in such short amount of time I know he is goin thru so much. Yet I don't know if we will survive this, and it is already coming up to collective 6 years that i've kind of 'waited' for him. I know I may sound little selfish, but it's hard trying to be with someone that isn't sure about wanting to be with you. He says that he loves me and that he always will and that he feels i'm his soulmate. and I feel the same about him too. Our relationship was good, he wasn't as emotionally available obviously during this time around. I've told him that I will wait for him as long as I can but that I don't know how long I can wait. and obviously i don't know how long he will need. Some days I feel like I should cut my losses and leave especially reading about how other ppl's r/s turned out. Other times I feel like I can't give up on him now after everything we've been together. I'm not expecting him to get over his grieving anytime soon if ever, but I just don't what I should be doing. If I was to leave, I would have to cut off all contact as I know that I won't be able to move on if we're still in touch. Thanks for your thoughts