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I know ur probably feeling really sad that he decided to break up with u but do u also feel sense of relief? That now u can finally make fresh start and move on with ur life? Today I'm having a bad day and feel like I wouldn't even care if he decided to break up. I hate the feeling of like he has all the power in the relationship and what the book describes as 'btches' is what I was like with him in our relationship. But now I feel like I've changed to a doormat I'm so frustrated with this while situation and in turn it makes me angry at him.. And the prospect of it going on for how many more months like this is really depressing. Whereas if we were to end it now at least it will be tough initially but I can move on with my life. I hate feeling like this . Like some desperate girl that I know I'm not. He should be grateful and thankful to have me not make me feel like he is taking me for granted

im just reading the book now and it's starting to make me feel like that maybe I am being a doormat by waiting around? That maybe I need put my foot down and maybe make him realize that I have other options and that I won't be waiting around forever? Make him come after kind of thing? Maybe this book doesn't apply in our situation?

Ps thanks heaps pollara for the PDF!

Oh no I'm so sorry to hear kayc! I hope that ur work situation gets sorted out! Sometimes life just seems even more unfair doesnt it I try and look at the silver lining but some days I can't find any!

Wow pollara ur way of thinking is great. Yes I agree it is hard to keep a relationship going when someone is going thru something like that. I think its good that u told him to contact u if he still wants to stay as friends. U don't sound bitter or anything like that. I hope u will feel better about the whole thing soon. I guess in a way yes it is a relief to have an ending.... Instead of wondering everyday . Stay strong and please keep us posted about how ur doing

Hey pollara, I guess in life u gotta expect the unexpected. and it sounds like he broke up with you because he felt bad about how he was treating u, ,yet he couldn't help what he was doing. and didn't have it in him to continue a relationship. Who knows, maybe when everything has settled down, he may think of u again. But u can't put ur life on hold for the small 'what if' i guess. It saddens me that he has come to that decision. : ( I feel like i'm the last one left standing, and i don't like my chances at all now. Maybe u can't fight the inevitable. I think the way you handled the whole situation was amazing. and if he can't see that then u deserve someone better.

oh no, I'm so sorry to hear Pollara. : ( I hope you're doing ok.. I was really hoping that things would work out for u... It's just terrible. I'm really really sorry to hear... Big hugs to you... I guess you never know what life will throw your way...

thanks guys, yeah trying to figure out a plan B for my holiday... It shouldn't be this stressful planning a holiday! Hey Pollara could you send me the pdf for that book u were talking about? I'll pm u my email address. thanks! Sorry to hear that you haven't heard from ur guy in a week. Yeah i guess we have no other option but to just be patient. I hope u hear from him soon.. and I triple that! about the weekend being hard. i've been trying to fill up my weekends as much as I can, so I won't have much time to sit around and mope. I was looking forward to my holiday to take my mind off things and to try and figure things. Maybe you could do a little trip by urself to somewhere on the wknd? I think I'm currently feeling better about the whole situation because I've got something else occupying my mind, like the holiday. But once I come back from it, I will find weekends depressing once again. : ( People at work were like 'geez, lots of bad things seem to happen to u (like my holiday plans falling apart last minute)' and i was like yup, I'm bit of a poop magnet! lol. funny and sad at the same time...

So my holiday plans have fallen apart just like other plans in my life : ( My travel insurance won't cover me for majority of my trip to Bourneo as the travel advisory from the government has changed to DO not travel! so have had to cancel (no refund for my tour : ( literally replanning my whole holiday with a week left! rather stressful!! anywhoo, I had been very good with not initiating contact but initially when I found this out I didn't know what to do, and I obviously turned to my guy for help. He thought I shouldn't go, and I did think it would prob end up being rather silly to go on holiday without travel insurance. anyway he opened up to me a lot about stuff that has been going on. Seems like he is now having to be like the 'head of family' despite him only being the middle child. (He was always the most mature and responsible one out of his siblings) Touched briefly on 'us', and he said that he does care about me, and wants me to have things that make me happy. And I said that he makes me happy but once again he didnt seem convinced. Fair enough. I do have a history of changing my mind.. : ( I didn't really realize the extent of how much pressure he was under. He is now having to 'support' the family so to speak, despite the sibling being grown ups, and sounded like he was dealing with most of the paperwork and things like that. so once again I'm hopeful for our future. I'm gona try and send him a little care package kind of thing before i go on holiday. I hate the thought of him not having anyone to look after him now while he has to look after everyone. He was the main caregiver when his dad was sick and seems like now he is holding the family together. He just can't seem to get a break... Pollara I might try and read that book too! sounds inteeresting

I came across this article last night and it made me think 'see!!! u should never give up ur own dreams for a guy!!' http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/windsurfer-splits-olympic-champ-replacement-article-1.1356280 Pollara I think it is great that ur thinking about staying if a good career opportunity came up. Always put urself first and don't give up on things just for a guy. mind u the article above I know is different cuz they were married, but see, the more u give for the guy, the more they take u for granted. Kayc, I didn't realise that Jimmy's mother said u couldn't come for visit. I think he should've stood up for u. Yes I agree he should've manned up. I don't think I could respect a guy like that. (I was in a similar situation with a guy, and he didn't stand up for me to his parents, and I broke up with him. That was a deal breaker to me. I am guilty of letting parents influence decision about my relationship too, but for a guy, I think I would def want him to have my back) But I guess if they have learnt their lesson maybe they do deserve second chance...

I agree with all u guys, but I do see where Pollara is coming from. I think my relationship has definitely changed over the years, and I think back to how it was when we were first together, and I would say the passion in the relationship has waned somewhat. Like all the lust and chemistry part maybe. But I guess I now have a different kind of love for him. I think the chemistry and passion can flunctuate in a relationship esp once it passes over few years like pollara said. I've described my love for him like almost like a family kind of love. Like I would always love him and he said of the same. We do still have the chemistry. (well who knows now, haven't seen him for few months now) but we're definitely not like in the hot passionate kinda stage. I'm comfortable with this and I believe this kind of stronger bond is what holds a long term r/s couples together rather than the passionate stage as that dies off after a while.

I'm so glad that we have been of help to u, And I'm sorry to hear that ur having a bad day.. Oh yes I know that drama!! It is rather dark but amusin at times! I know what u mean about being torn about whether to just walk away. Ha my post is titled whether to stay or leave!! I still swing back and forwards several times a day still about this even after a month!! But I think the saving grace is to know how much u can take like kayc said. The anger phase u feel will pass. I think me and pollara have both vented on here when we went thru that stage. I do still feel angry at him but not so much as I think I finally accepted it really isn't personal. Although in any way u look at it u can't help but feel that way!! I asked my guy outright a while ago 'why me?! Why ru just singling me out and ostracizing me?!!' But he himself didn't know. So obviously not intentional. Still hurts just as much thou! I'm glad to hear that the show is making u feel better ?. Big hugs back to u!

Ps aww pollara I feel the same! I'm so glad I have found u guys because ur right, no one else understands like we do. And Im glad that I den listen to the other ppls advice. (lot of my friends said I should still got I see him for his bday party even though he said he didn't want me to come) I believe that by givin him space that's how we're currently hanging on. So yes I shall keep on trying to not put any pressure on him. But I also think having that talk/fight the other nite made him see that I was hurting. I actually asked him if he realized that what he was doing was hurting me (putting FB updates yet not msging me for 2 days etc) and he said not really. And I think now that he knows he is trying because deep down he does still care.

Pollara I think ur right about how my guy can hang with friends and stuff. He did say to me whole back that he wants to keep himself busy and that he doesn't like just sitting around. It is true that they will find it harder to pretend to be ok around us whereas with friends they can just put on a 'face' and go on automatic pilot kind Of mode. He texted to say goodnite today. I didn't reply to his MSG last nite saying goodnite so I replied today wishing him a good nite. It's nice that he is still trying as he knows those little gestures mean a lot to me. So once again I'm hopeful that if I was to stick it out that things will be ok. Kayc I think any guy that is so cowardly as to FedEx a break up note does not even deserve a 'what if' kind of thought. And u guys were engaged!! I don't think I could ever be as forgiving u and be civil to if someone had done something like that to me. But I guess that's the thing isn't it, when u love and care about someone u actually find it within urself to forgive them even for the most 'unforgivable' things.

Ps btw I don't think u should be attributing her behavior to PTSD. Self harming and thoughts of hurting others is NOT a feature. Just in regards to kayc's comment about self harming, lot of ppl ESP girls who have had traumatic abuse or experiences as a child develop something called borderline personally disorder. I would say majority of these cases are of girls that had history of sexual abuse. Oh on final note, not to put anyone off side but I can't stress enough what Marty said. Psychiatrists are qualified medical practitioners who can diagnose manage and treat psychiatric illness. Psychologists are trained professionals who deal with the human psyche and behaviors through things like cognitive brain therapy. No amount of counselling or therapy will help someone that has underlying psychiatric condition that may need medical treatment. Pps DML, I hope I haven't offended u in any way ESP with ur bad experience with the local mental hospital as that was not my intention but I just didn't want u to think her behavior can just be put down to something like PTSD. I'm not trained in this field so I'm not saying that what I'm sayin is right but just wanted to offer another perspective.

Hi DML, I've read ur story and I feel like ur story is way more complex and complicated then ours and I don't really think I have much to offer in terms of advice... To me it sound like she has underlying psychiatric issues and I'm glad that she is getting the help that she needs. I think at this stage the most important priority would be for her to become mentally stable again. I doubt that she has the rigt frame of mind to consider anyone at the moment including herself. I can't begin to imagine how u must be feeling, it must be so hurtful seeing someone u love acting in such a way. And I guess u have days where u think 'what about me?!' as u feel like no one is caring about how much ur hurting. I think the best thing u can do for her would be to be her friend. She definitely isn't capable of being in a relationship, and I guess if u want her to get better u might just have to accept that she may friendzone u but I definitely don't think u should choose the other option of not being there for her. I really hope that she gets all the help she can as her behavior is definitely not a normal grief response.... I cant believe that the hospital let her go after 'observing' her overnight. Actually I can as I'm in the medical field and I've been so many psychiatric illnesses get missed and undiagnosed. In regards to the comment that no one can 'make her' get help, there are laws in place where u can schedule someone if u consider them to be a danger to others or themselves. (granted that ur a medical person) I understand that she has no thoughts of self harming or of ur animals currently but so many alarm bells ring for me as I read thru ur story. It def sounds like she needs more than therapy. I think she needs full psychiatric evaluation and management.... Anyway I wish u and her all the best..

Yeah I wonder how Helena is doing. I can tell just from his msgs that he is depressed.. No exclamation marks no emoticons, he doesn't even laugh at the funny silly stories I tell him bout stuff that happened. Guess I just gotta wait til he gets himself out Of it... I hope he does come out of it eventually..

If he knows that u use chat for ur work then he won't think ur just on it waiting for him. I definitely think ur reading into it way too much and I don't think u need to worry about it. No need to explain to him that ur not online waiting for him, I think he might actually think its weird if u did.

Ps Replying to msgs that they send isn't breaking the NC rule right?

Hi pollara I agree with DML. I think if ur guy didn't wanna talk to u he would not message u even if he sees u online. I think us girls tend to over analyze things. My guy said to me that he wouldn't message or talk to me if he didn't want to. I guess DML can give us a 'guys' perspective (hello DML, welcome and sorry to hear about ur situation. He obviously doesn't wanna cut u out of his life completely. So I think it's silly to cut off his means of communication to u. ESP if he has said that he is not doing very well. In regards to asking him more, I think maybe ask if there is anything that he would like to talk about and that gives him the opportunity to open up if he chooses to without u prodding? Being a guy I doubt that he wants to talk about it thou..

Thanks guys! He texted today after he finished work saying work was busy and that he is going to exercise. Think there still is some of that old him I know who actually takes in what makes me upset. (I told him that he should let me know little trivial things like work being really busy or him not using his phone much to reply to msgs) because then I know that he is busy rather than just thinking that he is busy messaging everyone but me. And how lack of communication leads to misunderstanding and me getting overly sensitive. In the meantime I will continue to keep things light and try to continue to be the independent woman that he knows me to be.

I think I've reached my point now.. Had a fight with him tonite.. I was trying to explain to him that it's really hurtful how he is cutting me out of his life. I said that I feel like he can just hurt me and doesn't even care. And how he can go out with friends etc yet seems perfectly ok if we were never to have contact. Anyway he got angry and didnt even try and really understand where I was coming from. I understand he is under enormous amount of pressure. I think I have to let him be for my own sanity. I don't like this insecure paranoid person I'm becoming. So no contact starts from now for me. I wonder if he is actually gona find it to be a relief. Gotta let it go before it gets destroyed any further I think... I don't want to cry anymore over this. I'm emotionally exhausted too and currently I feel like I need space to stop getting hurt. I wonder how long I can last for!! Fingers crossed I stay strong this time

U guys both have valid points. I know I'm not ready to date yet thou. I feel like i don't have the energy to invest emotionally on someone else as its all taken up with him. Yes I do need let to completely before I move on as I didn't last time and I had doubts about any new relationship as I had him in my mind still. I agree it hasn't been that long at all and lately I've been thinking maybe I'll wait til October which is my birthday and I turn 30! Very big deal for me! But then again part of me doesn't want to have to start over when I'm 30, and feel like I need to do it sooner. Constant conflict! What he meant by no one else gets it is that he says I love u before he sleeps to his parents before he goes to bed. (it used to be to me) and he is saying that he isn't saying it to anyone else either. I think that was his way of saying its not because I stopped loving u or have fallen in love wirh someone else but I feel incapable of lovin anyone but my parents currently. I think anyway?

Hey pollara. Yeah That's exactly how I feel I guess it must be hard for u too as u guys didn't have that much time together before this happened. But if he is telling his friends that nothing is wrong between u and him maybe that's a good sign? Maybe he still does want to be with u but not right now. Hence isn't telling ppl that u guys are going thru rough patch. I understand what ur saying about feeling like its not a relationship. In reality i don't think both of us are in a 'proper' relationship. There is no sharing of their daily loves or feeling or emotions. They're prob not capable of this at the moment hence can't be in relationship? I think their libido will be very diminished at times like these. I noticed dramatic decrease in his libido when his mum was sick and then with his dad. He himself said that he just doesn't feel like it. Personally I dont think it would be very high on my list of priorities either if i was in their circumstances. If ur willing to stick it out longer than the duration of ur actually relationship wow cudos to u! I def don't think I could've done that. His reply to my question of why he hasn't been saying 'I love u' is that he's not feeling very lovey lately. He says not to worry and that no one else is getting it either.

I was going thru some old emails and came across old emails we sent each other 3 yrs ago. He was such a sweet funny and loving person. Emails were full of him saying how much he misses me and loves me. Maybe the person I love has gone? I always thought ppl don't change but I'm not so sure anymore.. I feel so stuck lately... I don't want to be waiting around forever and so far it's already feeling like its going on for much longer than it has. Somedays I'm scared that I'm going to be weak and end up settling for someone that can offer me things like marriage and kids in near future.. But deep down I think I know that I may not be truly happy... But maybe I will be, guess u never know Feeling rather lost again.. I'm catching up with the guy I dated during our 'break' this wknd.. Just a friendly catch up. I know he still cares about me.. And he could prob offer those things... Do u guys sometimes believe that a 'wrong person' can become mr right if the timing is right? Somedays I feel like I'm not strong enough to see this thru and that I can't be the strong 'rock' that my guy needs