Elly57

Hello HisWife I know what you mean. some new information to digest does help. I dont know why, but it does. My situation has not changed with regards to my step children. the one has returned to New Zealand, thank goodness but not without leaving the family split. She swooped in dumped all her disappointment anger at her dad with me, set her brother in termoil and upset her 84 year old grandfather with no concern for him. Then swooped back to her life in another country. Now what I have learned in the last 2 months that its been for me. Is I allowed her to do this. I let her and her brother get in my head without realizing theses are their issues with their dad. As a fixer I tried to help. Oh my goodness not thinking they would turn on me I have had some HUGE difficulties getting past this. I have developped a tremmor, heart pain, scared or what may come out of my mouth when I say anything.bla bla bla bla you know how it goes. I have spoken to the company EPA counsellor, I'm not feeling her at all but will continue with that. I have spoken with friends and they are appalled at the childrens actions ( lol 27 and 32 children) but what can they do? nothing. I have had calls from people that genuinely care about what i'm going through but again what can they do? nothing. I have come here to tell my story but at the end of the day I have to take the bull by the horns and carry on. You have all given me such great advise there is no question about that but the thing I most want is for someone to help and do this for me. The only one that can do that is my husband. Oh right, that's not going to happen. Darn. So I have to find my own road map and tools to deal with this. I called a work friend of my husband as I knew his wife had been through some hideous situations and times. She is a very spritual person. (not religious) I had one phone call with her for an hour. I had a two hour meeting with her in a coffee shop and the park. She gave me some coping practises to use and I found the common sense approch really helpful. She gave me my own 'bubble' and a 'boat' to help me cope. We did some meditation and I left feeling a lot more centred. Heavens, dont get me wrong i'm not healed but i feel way more focused on realizing their sh*t is not my issuse. even though I knew this now its so empowering. I'm so empowered I'm going to get my husband from the funeral home today. I have squirmed with the idea of having my husband home for Christmas. Worried that I may start a shrine to him or never move on. I think I have such a common sense Jean in me that that wont happen. I do,however, beleive that having him home I think I may feel more clamer, see things celarer and just feel better. The thought of him not being home at Christmas is more worrying for me. So I guess from my perspective, today anyway, is that don't give up when looking for support. find what works for you. its there you just have to look for it. i heard a saying yesterday, 'The teacher returns until the lesson is learnd'. Today is a BIG day for me. Wish me luck. I know i'm going to be upset but it has to be done. My thoughts and belssings go our to you all. Elly

oh Gracie.......you too? I'm so sorry. I was feeling sorry for myself and I know others have difficulties as well. I have come to the conclusion that I now have to consider where it was coming from. I'm just collateral damge for my stepdaughters guilt. I'm in the firing line but I wish she hadnt set the rest of the family up to start taking sides. She is so young in her thinking (32) of how the world is. At the end of the day I'm honnering my husband and I know he would be proud of me. He would have been so upset with her. I'm just glad she lives in New Zealand. its just a shame she has left such destruction in her wake. She chose to take herself out of the family dynamic in her teenage years because she didn't have her fathers ear. She hasn't worked through her problems from then. I only have control over what I have control over. Done. It really is easy said than done. I know the full story and i feel that is good enough for me right now. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you also. I'm sure there are others out there too. Take comfort that we are not alone. Take comfort that we are here to support you too with our stories. I admire your strenght to get through your troubles. telling people not to attend must have been really tough. but why use this as a day you can bad mouth someone, no that is totally wrong. You loved your husband and you know the full story too. i have found coming here and voicing my views and thoughts have only validated im not going crazy and my thought process is not off balance. We are just greiving, and should be allowed to do so in our own way. So long as it doesnt hurt anyone else. keep your chin up Gracie, Yup Pizza night tonight. Oh KayC you too. Grrrrrrrrrrrr........ it gets me so mad. hummmm....Drama. this is not a good time for drama. I feel that my tongue has teeth marks in it from biting it so many times. Thank you all for your support. Elly

consider the ignore button well and truly pushed. Grrrrrr.......

this is getting to be quite the saga.....UPDATE!!!!!! i went to my financial advisor today to clarify some things and found out from him that both my husbands children. (27 and 32) called him the day before they called me to to find out if there was anything for them to sign or sort of dads finances............I'm still pacing around in a lot of anger that they would put someone of such a professional standard in that position to say no it nothing to do with them, and for him to have to tel me that too. Along with the fact they are tarnishing their dads memory and that they thought so little of me to be hiding something from them and, and, and, and they don't want to come across and money grabbing. Wow that boat has sailed now. I know now they have probably spoken to my husbands family too to find out things and most likely painted me out to be the Merry Widow. wonderful. That is such a confidentiality breach for my advisor to even consider telling them anything about us. (by the way they too have some finances held with our advisor too) I Wow! is all i can say. I really, really want to hurt them. I don't want to let this go but have no idea how to deal with this. they have steped over the line or acceptability now.

i feel your hurt too.

Thank you again for validating my feelings KayC.....today is my 'Benilyn Day' as the advert suggests. it's cold, very windy and snowy here and I'm staying home couching it till my counselling apt this afternoon. Tea, movie or tv what ever is in the fridge. I haven't done that since i will ill and lived at home for my mum to look after me. I know tomorrow will be different. i shall start again fresh and ready to take on the world again and see what it brings. I'm open to seeing and feeling all that comes my way. My step children can go 'fly a kite'. opps inside voice.

well said KayC. I feel as Shalady too. I have been to my pharmacy to ask for something as i have a doctors check up coming up. I haven't see the doctor since before my husband died. I know he will be asking me a few personal questions and I don't want that interpreted as depression. I'm down, knocked to the curb of life, sad, trying to find my way in the world. Not depressed. my pharmacist recommended something that was not addictive and safe to take. I do feel that now I have the knowledge to move on and try to explore avenues that I wouldn't have when my husband was alive. I have stood up for myself and asked for help with the step children when I needed it. I cant do this on my own. when I have posted here I have had some very sound advice and support too. its my choosing if i implement it or not. Ive found my gut reaction is usually telling me the truth. I want my husband back desperately (5 weeks) but i keep saying to myself thats not going to happen, no matter how much I want it. life is so very precious to both of us. So by me sitting by and just watching the world go by is not what he wanted me to do, i know. its hard and hurts like hell but I have to do something or I would then slide sideways into depression. These are tough times. The way I'm dealing with this is not the same way someone else would, but as I've been advised that's what this forum is all about. Doing things our way now. Whatever works for each of us. Im looking of the omens to help me through this. If they comes to me then its right and the right time. it they don't then it's not the right time.

no i'm not right. i'm trying to find my own way too and that helps. I haven't been able to return to work yet. I just hope each and every day there are signs for me to follow. I try to stay positive the best way I can. I feel for you and hope to have your strength.

Every person you meet is an opportunity, a chance to change the present and look to the future. To find piece in our hearts. Maybe helping others. It's all on the way we look at it.

What is your job. Shalady?

I'm a little calmer now. im trembling inside but not shaking as much. this is their regrets that i feel are driving them in this way. They should have been more in their fathers life. I cant change them and i never can. They have to deal with this in there own way. I can't cry and be sad for losing my husband. they wont let me. i have to be on my toes all the time to think ahead. I had to ask the funeral home to make sure no one picked up his ashes but me. They wouldn't release them anyway without my authority. So i decided t leave them with the funeral home for now. Incase there were in my house and i couldn't trust them to be alone without supervision. These are 27 and nearly 32 years of age. This is the pity and i feel sorry for me section. I feel hurt and disrespected and ashamed of them. I feel used and abused by them. I want to hurt them so badly and give them home truths of how their father felt about the way they had treated him. but i cant and wont. I want to shout if from the roof tops how he was disappointed in them for what ever reason he felt about a situation and how they dealt with certain things. Again I can't and wont. To have that power and not use it makes me feel so frustrated. I need to take a cleansing breath a few times and tonight my youngest daughter is coming over, we intend to get a pizza, popcorn and a movie. that was our (my husband and my thing to do on a saturday evening) we would chill and sit in our sweats and let the world go by for the evening. I cant tell you how much it has meant to have all of your support with my troubles. to know I can vent and to all intents and purposes 'bad mouth' these two children and have it validated that its ok to do that. it feels wrong to do but i know I'm right. Thank you, Thank you, thank you. I'm so please i stumbled on this forum. it was meant to be, an omen. i love it.

OH my goodness Last night I got the phone call from hell. Funny i knew it was coming. As much as I kidded myself that “no,not them” “no they wouldn't be like that” “i'm just thinking badly of them” and quietly saying sorry for thinking that way about my husbands kids. We both prided myself for my good intuition when looking for tenants for our rental properties. Its never failed me. Why did I thin it was failing me now? I don't know. Both my husbands kids had me on speaker phone when they called... yup not bad i guess as they both had things to say. I was on my guard. They asked me how my holiday went. ( i left the provence as I couldn't take the constant questioning about keep sakes, belongings and what was happeing about the ashes as the eldest was going back to New Zealand this sunday) Holiday???? no it was to get a way. I went to —23 in Alberta to get away. I should have stayed a few more days i think. The questions started. Do we have to sign anything before I go back? Is there any documents I need? Just wanted to be clear about the ashes and the belongings again Oh we just wondered if there was anything we needed to know before I went back You are keeping us in the dark you know I responded calmly and clearly. As my answers were not what they wanted to hear it continued. I explained to the nothing to sign and all was being taken care of. They then said they could have helped in all this. So I said again there was nothing they could do. I had to deal with selling two properties (rental) while dad was ill and look after him. I had all that the deal with. Line of credit, mortgage, lawyers to sort this and timeline to stick to. They cant do this it was up to me and only me. I couldn't delegate even if I could have. We needed to get this done while dad was still alive. (October 7th he passed) well we dididnt know what was going on because you kept us in the dark. There wasn't anything to tell you. Neither one of them has yet asked me how I'm doing. We wanted to know when the reading of the will was going to be as I'm going back to new Zealand in a few days and wanted to know if Dad left us anything. (shock and the shakes set in at the point) my heart and chest was already in such pain from the questioning. This went on over and over. If you remember we have four children two from husband and two from me. My kids have never asked me anything like this and will not. When i said i was surprised at this questions she said 'well didn't you ask your mum when you farther died if there was anything in his will for you' more shock. No i never even thought about that, my main concern was my mother and was she ok. Her response was ' well i know what in my mothers and stepfather will'. Ok then thats fine. I then explained that the will was set up what mine is his and his is mine. I almost wanted to copy the will and show them. She asked again well 'blood children we thought that he would have left us something. And we want to know what it is if there is anything. Is there anything coming to us“ My husband and i spoke about a $2,000.00 monitory gift. I have put that up to $5,00.00 as i thought that would be better. I haven't told them anything about this and it went in the mail to each of the four children Friday. I told them when I get the gift it will come to them “ when will that be”. Over and over and over again. OH my! the son then said we we are all grieving here equally. OH that this point i did answer back as they had not allowed me to speak or answer very clearly because they kept jumping in. I said give me the respect to finish what I'm saying please. I told them this is not the same kind of loss and until they lose they life partner they have no idea of what I'm going through. the son then started to shout at me. He has always been so good and now with his sister here pushing him along this is what resulted. I hung up. I called a mail friend of ours (i thought the male voice would command some authority and they would listen to him) he was happy to call them back to explain and was horrified that they started on him too. Almost a stranger to them and arguing with him. He called me back to tell me this. He said you husband would be discussed to hear them and ashamed and disappointed to see them acting this way. He also asked them to back of and not contact me for a while please. “OH so we shouldn't contact her all all then?” Did I say that? no don't put words into my mouth. He was so surprised. At least now i know if i was a wicked stepmother someone else has heard what I've been going through. I don't feel i can make a decision with a clear head at this time. I didn't sleep last night at all.

hello shalady I should clarify that the book im reading is not so much about the topic we are here for but it really makes me thing about desisions im making for the future and how everyday things can affect me. its more re thinking my identity and how i want to move forward from here.

the book i'm reading is the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I think some may really find support and new look on things when reading this.

Im reading this neat book right now and there are many great quotes......for some, "every day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises"..........there's your thought for the day.

thank you Marty. I havent met with the benift guys yet. That is still to happen. So now I will be prepared. I hope to get a clearer picture soon. I shall keep all these things in mind. Thank you. Elly

Harry Your story is so very similar to mine. To read this, it hits close to home. Thank you for telling your story. It means a lot to me. I'm sending you peace

i think counseling is a great idea. If I walk away with only one thing each time I go. (ive only been once so far) I am trying each and everything that is surgested here. I have currently taken off to Alberta for some distance from the step children. my kids didn't want me to leave but when needs must. its just a week but i needed to be kind to myself. I'm journaling too. I hope to get all this down on paper (including all the daily updates i did while on the journey right from the beginning) this way i will also leave something for my children when my time comes. This may also help them get through my loss. In life we touch so many people and we never know it. I needed to reconnect with family here and to get some perspective. Whatever works right?

Wow! I knew today was going to be a tough one. I did get a lot of house work done, changed the bed, washed floors and vacuumed, sorted and dusted, had a shower and readied myself for the evening. Tonight was a banquet for the end of season base ball teams, in our county, my husband was apart of. He didn't make the season this year but went out a few times to watch them. We had received the tickets a while ago and once he had passed away I knew I had to attend to honer him. I also knew he had been put forward for MVP.........The building was full to the gills......... They called out his name and people began to stand up in respect and applaud his memory. I had to go up and collect his shirt........I love my husband so much..... I had a few people come to me saying they were glad I was there to accept the award. They asked me to drop by and go for coffee. I'm taking everyone up on all the invitations they offer. I have to move passed this, I have to, I have to.

I just got rid of the last of the fresh flowers from the funeral. It feels like every step I take I'm erasing him. I hear what you say but that's how it feels. I wish I could just sob and cry my heart out. It just won't come. My heart hurts so badly and no out let. I want to feel his arms around me saying it's going to be ok. But it's not.

Please tell me this emotional and physical hurt will go away and this is all a dream? Lie to me today.

It seems memory bears are getting more popular. My husband had work shirts with his name embroidered on them so they will be appliquéd on the chest. It's a traditional teddy bear pattern with lots of pieces this this gives me the chance to use lots of different pieces off clothing. These can be made for babies clothes or for any memorable occasions. But this will be the one I shall make them for.

I too am going to have a memory bear made for each of the four children out of my husbands clothing. I have bought the pattern and will make them myself. I feel this will be therapy for me to make them and it will be able to keep his clothing close by me too (oh yes one for me too) this way I may be able to go though his clothing and be able to deal with that step of purging.

Shalady.......we shall do this together......I'm three weeks on and still going. With the help and support we both get here is amazing. I wen to my first grief counsellor yesterday. And quite honesty I don't know how it went. I sat for an hour and spoke. That's all I can say. One thing I did come away with was, a problem I was having trouble with (stepchildren of 31) was clear to me when I said it out load. Who'd a thought! That was a weight off my shoulders. I'm also going to a hospice support group next Wednesday. This is where my husband passed too. It's an amazing place. So peaceful and supportive there. I have asked them if I can just drop in sometimes for a tea or coffee. It feels like I'm closer to my husband there. They were all very upset at my husbands passing as he was relatively young, active fit man of 58. He played hockey and baseball and enjoyed very active pursuits. I makes me feel better that ores are having difficulty with his passing so I'm not on my own in this. Shalady .......we will both do this, along with others at this site. You are not alone, even though we feel we are.

Hello tableforone I feel your pain too. I'm also at the three week mark. My story is so very much like yours in feelings of how to cope and how to move on. It hurts so badly. I don't know how to deal with this it's still a dream. I hope you continue to post this is a good place to ask for help. Keep coming back please. Elly