iPraiseHim

I realized it's been another month since I've written.  It has been a tough time since my hospitalization. 

It has been hard for me to accept the fact that I had a heart attack... It is even hard to write or even say it.  I am fortunate and blessed that there is NO damage to my heart. The controversy is the doctors view on how to treat it is counter to actual scientific trials and facts. The cardiologist  could care less about my thyroid and how it caused this heart episode.  She is only interested in the heart. " They only follow AMA guidelines and recommend statins and reducing LDL's down to 70. However every study says that it causes congestive heart failure. Our body need more LDL and protein as we age.  Well, I'm aging because I'll be 65 in May.  The medical community uses so much fear tactics to coerce us to follow their prescribed treatment. 

I blindly trusted the doctors with my wife's medical care and it put her to an early grave following old assumptions that were never actual proven.  I am fortunate to have changed my food and lifestyle as I was headed down a disastrous road. 

My overwhelming passion to learn to fly an airplane drove me to lose weight.  When I stalled, I was determined to continue and discovered that I was head down the same path towards Type 2 Diabetes.  I was shock and stunned. No doctor every advised me. I discovered it on my own. The doctors can do a few simple tests and let people know 10-15 years before they get diabetes. However, there is no drug treatment or profit motive in it.  Sad but true. 

It is the same way with cardiovascular disease.  There is a simple test CAC ( coronary artery calcium that can tell us what the ACTUAL calcification in our heart and arteries, however that is not were the money is made.

So this seems to be an uphill battle on many fronts.... Also I turn 65 in May and have all of these decisions to make about Medicare options.  My Insurance costs last year $5 month. The first four months $95 plus meds then on May 1st jumps to $350 per month. It is another stressor along with this huge doctor bill I just got from the hospitalization ( huge deductible). 

I prefer to report growth and healing but that's not where I'm at right now. The medications and planted fears have side effects as well.  I am able to work but still have not gone back to the gym since my hospitalization.  I realize some fear has crept in where I would rather be faithful. For those willing please intercede for me Peace, Protection, Wisdom, and Guidance through this valley. - Shalom

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

Off topic........no "going through hell" is a topic.  Have not done this in a long time, but guess I have done it before in four years, three months, six days, just break out crying.  Hit me out of nowhere, don't even know what was said, just mentioning how in sync he (Garth Brooks) and his wife are, performing together professionally, over all these years and Kelly Clarkson talking about working with her husband.  Kind of like a knife and all of a sudden I was crying and saw Billy in my mind.  It gets easier, but all of a sudden it rips the scar tissue off.  I'm back okay now, I can cry but it won't make him come back.  Just like always.  It does let up.  Nothing you can do about it.  No pills, words, music, no help.  That's life.......and death.  That is our punishment for loving, but I would not have missed even the bad parts, I'd do it all again. 

I agree. Next month, it will be five years since Rose Anne died. You would think I would get used to it but I just miss her more.  It still floors me and the crying hits me even now.  I agree with you Marg M.  We are still here for some reason. - Shalom

9 hours ago, MarkM said:

I met Susie in July 2001.  I knew in an instant, that she was very special.  She was absolutely beautiful.  She had an infectious personality, a wonderful smile and a loving heart.  We hit it off instantly and right there, our adventure began.  We had so many things in common and so many shared interests that I wondered sometimes if we weren't a match made in Heaven.  Nothing is ever perfect mind you, but though we had our disagreements over the years, we always made up and the vast majority of that time we spent enjoying life together, loving, laughing and soaking up everything life had to offer.  Both of us had been through a previous marriage and divorce, having children from those respectively.  Though they were grown, my Daughter was like her's and her's were like mine.  Life was good.

During 2014, She began to have some health issues, primarily with back pain.  As time went on things got worse, but being stubborn as she was, she refused to seek help other than from our Chiropractor.  He began to suspect the potential for lesions on the spine and urged us to at least get some labs done.  After one long, horrible night of agonizing pain, I forced her to let me take her to the ER.  In October of 2014, my Susie was diagnosed with stage four, Her2 breast cancer, which had metastasized to the bone.  I will never forget seeing the PET scan, the shock I felt and wondering how much time we had left. I excused myself from the hospital room to collect my thoughts and headed outside to call my Mother and Father.  On my way out, I passed a small room that served as a chapel and I went inside taking a seat.  I prayed to God that he might provide a miracle, or at least provide me with guidance and I laid it in his hands.  I knew what had to be done and on that day, I committed myself to caring for her, no matter what the cost to me financially, emotionally, or physically.  I had already spent two years caring for my elderly Mother, so it became clear what I had been prepared for.

Thanks to the Her2 gene she had associated with her cancer, it opened her up to what was then, a fairly knew gene specific treatment.  Thanks to that, we got to spend 5 years, 2 months and 16 days more together, with the last couple of months being the worst.  Fortunately, the majority of it were of many great memories, spent enjoying music, movies, etc.. and we basked in the shared love we had for one another.  In those days, we, like the song says, worked to "Live like you were dying".  Just before Thanksgiving, she had to be transported to the ER, with what we suspected was a left fractured femur.  The right one went in 2017 at the location of a large lesion on the bone.  She had emergency surgery, came home, recovered, got physical therapy and it was right back to the good times.  This time we thought would be no different, but that was not the case.  Things progressively escalated out of control until the weekend of the 10th and 11th, when she became confused and I had her rushed back to the hospital.  A couple days later, an MRI revealed that the cancer in her bone had jumped to the brain in multiple locations, hence the confusion.  I got to spend the Monday and Wednesday of the following week with her, but by Wednesday, her condition had worsened to the point that she had been put on a ventilator.  I held her hand, stroked her head, leaned in closely and I told her that she was my hero.  I explained why she was confused and I could see the recognition in her eyes.  I told her to place her heart with the Lord and that I wanted to see her in Heaven some day, that I wanted to see her on the other side.  I told her that I loved her and that she was the best Wife a man could ever have.  Though severely weakened, she faintly said "I Love You".  I heard that 3 times that day and that evening i said my last goodbye.  her Daughters spent the following day with her, though she was unconscious, and on the evening of Thursday, January 16, 2020, my sweetest Susie lost her battle.

I know she smiles down on us from Heaven, and I am grateful that she was spared from anymore torment, but that is where her trial ended and mine is morphing into something completely different.    In the interest of full disclosure, I have no intentions, or thoughts of doing myself harm.  We simply didn't believe in suicide and even if I did, with my religious beliefs, it would be counter productive to my intent of seeing Susie again, so not to worry.   I am however in a very dark place at the moment.  I went from being immersed with her every want and need, to a complete dead stop.  I have never been so petrified in my entire life and for the first time in 19 years, I feel completely alone and lost without her.    Susie was the kindest, warmest and most loving individual I have ever met.  She embraced life with a passion and was afraid of nothing.  Her character was such, that it seemed as if she had her own gravitational pull.  Susie was like the Sun and I revolved around her.  I miss her sweet voice, her smile, our conversations, things like watching her delight in feeding the squirrels, who would take peanuts from her hand and I even miss hearing her snore.  I'm no stranger to grief, I've had a lifetime of it, but this time something is different.  I can't explain it, but in 2016, I lost my Mother and two months later, my Father followed and it rocked my world to the core, but this is hitting me far worse for some reason.  I'm going to try to go back to work tomorrow, but I don't think I'll be all there.  As a matter of fact, I dread it, but I feel I must do something.  I've been pouring over old photos, recordings where I played guitar and we sang together, emails and notes, to try to hang onto something.  It may sound nuts, but I have her phone, so I called it the night she passed and left a voicemail telling her how sorry I was for the way things had gone, that I'm happy she's in Heaven and that I love her, in some hope that she might hear me.  It's just me and our little dog Sadie now.  She knows something is wrong, because the last time she saw Mama, she was in a bad way.  She's all I have left.  My Daughter lives on the other coast and she offered to fly out when we learned of Susie's status, but I waved her off because I had a feeling she wouldn't be able to make it here on time and money is tight.

I'm sorry for the long read, but this is the way I have to deal.  I'm working on a photo collage for myself, her Daughters and the park memorial we plan to have.  I've put together a song list for it, many of which Susie loved and in some cases requested for this very purpose.  I will likely do a lot of praying, crying, writing and I'm sure I will write her a song.   Past experience dictates that there will also be a lot of music in my future.  These are the things I have found in my life, that have helped me recover from tragedy.

Mark M,

Reading your story, I can so relate in many ways. I met my beloved wife, Rose Anne,  and our story has some very similar themes.  I was in SHOCK and AWE for a long time after her  sudden and unexpected death.  I too, went back to work in a couple of days and walked through the valley you speak so well of.  My journey is recorded  in this group. For this is were I discovered how to make sense and learn tools to deal with the grief, loss, and eventual acceptance and living with both grief, and healing.  My Mother died, my brother, my MIL, but nothing prepared me for this journey.  This place is a sanctuary and a safe respite where people here truly understand and get what it means to be the one left standing in this world when our beloved passes.  Next month, it will be five years.  Your story reminds so much of where I was then and I too couldn't see or understand how to continue.  Welcome to the group that none of us really want to belong to and yet we are learning to deal with and manage each day as it comes.  Please return and share whatever you need or want to .  We are all here to help each other. Many people helped me through the roughest early time and many of us stay to help others as well as supporting each other.  - Shalom ( God's Peace be with you)

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Much is going on! It's difficult to write down and sort out what is going on.  My health is as good as it can be.  My mind still struggles with the concept of now being a cardiac patient.  I have been focused on getting my home getting sorted, discarding unnecessary items and paring everything down to a manageable order. It is difficult dealing with the emotions of letting go of stuff that "WE" had but that I no longer really need. I'm thankful for the improved energy but uncertain about the future.

The doctors, cardiologists, nutritionist are all still pushing statins, blood pressure meds and a total change of food and lifestyle that goes counter to everything that i have learned and adopted the last three years. I have lost 155lbs and maintained it for over a year and half.  There  are so many unanswered questions and the doctors use fear and intimidation to persuade patients to conform to their "Stand of care " practices.  They don't listen or care what the TRUTH is about Cholesterol,  Saturated fats and only know to push their pharmaceutical drugs as the only treatment option available.  It is difficult to push against the majority stream of consciousness yet I understand the TRUTH and can not pretend that I don't know. 

I was informed today that Thursday I can pick up the mandatory drug with no co-pay for December. January is a new year and a new set of deductibles and co-pay. My prayer is I can get my house in order before I am called home.  This anti-clotting medicine has some serious "blackbox" side-effects that i can not even begin to wrap my head around.  Every day, every moment is a time of Grace for me. Live it to the fullest!  None of us is promised any more time on this earth. I pray, I can serve out my time with peace, honor, and respect for this additional time I have been granted. - Shalom ( God's Perfect Peace be with you)

Have a Blessed Thanksgiving!

Yesterday was a very emotional day. The reality of what happened hit my soul and softened my heart towards my sister. My sister wanted and I had no intention of going to her husbands relatives today for Dinner.  I wrote out a letter and read it to her and ask that she just listen,  and not respond until I finished reading. I told her I really didn't want to go as it is stressful to me. She is connect to them by marriage. Their customs, speech, interests, etc.. is just not the same.  I told her I didn't want to ruin her Thanksgiving. She accepted my request and I will get to relax at home today.

The medicines they put me on have side effects that really affect me. The blood pressure medicine lowers my heart rate too low, and makes me dizzy, foggy brain, affects my speech and thinking.  It also contributes to congestive heart failure! The Statin drugs increases diabetes and obesity. The blood thinners can cause brain bleeds and organ bleeds as there is no blood clotting factor. 

When the plaque buildup was removed then the stents needed to be placed so the arteries don't collapse. However without, the anti-blood clotting medicine, they will immediately block because the stents are a foreign object to the body.

I am studying and searching for the best option to maximize my health now with the diagnosis added to my health risk.  I am thankful for every moment i am alive for I don't know how long that will be. I have read that there is Widowmaker Heart Attack Grief as well.  Life sure throws us some interesting turns.  No that I have a heart attack my dream of being able to fly has been completely grounded. Ill have to accept this as I have other losses in my life. 

I have noticed other improvements in my health. I have more energy, my hands and feet are not cold all the time and the sores on my feet are not painful!    I continue to pray for wisdom to navigate through this maze of man-made drugs and their side effects, quality of life, and healthy natural alternatives.  Have a blessed day! - Shalom

UPDATE:

I had a widow maker heart attack Sunday morning! Most people do not survive.  I had two blockages (99% and 90% ) in the same LAD artery. I was fortunately spared. No damage to the heart! It was caught and repaired quickly before any damage occurred. I went to the emergency care when I had chest pains, shortness of breath, and pain radiating in both arms. I took aspirin and got treated promptly. The doctors were surprised that  it was so occluded without severe pain or damage.  My God is merciful to me.

Almost three years of working on improving my health helped to mitigate damage.  The low thyroid function contributed to the excess plaque buildup though.  I was discharged this morning and able to walk back to my home.  Al of my scheduled work is cancelled this week to  rest and recover. I am Grateful and Thankful to be alive and able to celebrate another Thanksgiving.  My Insulin sensitivity has almost normalized by switching to a healthier way of eating, living and exercise.

My doctor said , " I have an extended ten year warranty!" and that if he has a heart attack he would want it to be like mine!  I am tired an will rest and relax as I adjust and learn to deal with the label of "Cardiac" patient. I have meds to take and more to learn about how to continue to optimize my health. 

I hope everyone has a blessed Thanksgiving. Shalom (Peace)

On 11/17/2019 at 6:28 AM, Katie1 said:

My fiance died suddenly. I am broken without John. The pain is unbearable at times...the tears just flow....Wednesday will be two months. I don't want to hear about seeing each other again someday. I don't want to hear he is in my heart...by  my side...in the wind....sending me signs...........

I want him back. Physically in my arms...hand in hand....laughing...deep in conversation....lovingly gazing at each other.

I feel I am dying.

I have to push the pain deep down inside of me because I have a daughter who is in the hospital three weeks now for depression. I must be there for her....

Meanwhile....I'm dying......

Katie1,

I wanted the same thing. In fact we all still do!  I was in Shock and AWE for a long time. I found this place of sanctuary, comfort, and people who truly understand what this side of grief and loss is that most of the world just doesn't comprehend.  Please come and share as you can. I found it very helpful in my grief to share what I just couldn't make sense of what happened to my beloved wife.  I still want her back...  Peace

11 hours ago, kayc said:

My sister gave me a package to put under the Christmas tree.  Whenever I put up the tree, it involved moving Arlie’s recliner away from the window so I could put the tree there, but he didn’t mind giving up the spot for a month or so…he’d lay behind the couch watching all the events as I strung lights and hung ornaments.  I hung cat and dog friendly ornaments at the bottom but somehow they never bothered with them even though I tried to interest them in them.  One morning I walked in the living room and found pieces of cardstock…I looked for the culprit behind the couch and there he was, cowering, he knew he’d done wrong…and I quickly saw that the package my sister had handed me to put under the tree…contained chocolates.  A similar one had gone under the tree for my daughter so I opened it to find out how many pieces it contained so I’d know how many he ate…eleven pieces of cellophane wrapped pieces were missing. He was one sick pooch.  I called around and found a vet that would take him and away we went, over an hour away.  She was great!  She laid on the floor with him and gave him a belly rub, plied him with treats, listened to his heartbeat, got his temperature, no one had gotten so much cooperation from him!  I watched for cellophane to pass through and only found a couple of pieces, never did find out what happened to the rest.  Several days and some medicines later, he was back to normal.  My sister vowed to never buy me chocolate again.

I love your stories.  They are precious memories! - Shalom (Peace)

16 hours ago, george p said:

 I keep trying to find the positive, but all I have done so far is dig up a lot of memories. I have a lot of great memories, but they just don't seem to mean much anymore. I just have not been able to turn the corner so far , I keep thinking that I have made some headway , but I really have not.

The grief counselor that I saw right after my wife died told me the hard times would come after I had time to realize what life would be after loving someone for over 60 years.  I have what I think  is a pretty good support system, but they all have their life to live , so I do my best not to let it show to them just how much trouble I am in.  I live in the house we shared for over 40 years and there isn't anything in here that doesn't remind me of her.  I have gotten rid of most of her personal items ,  clothing and jewelry , but I cant go through all of the pictures , etc. I have tried to  sort some of them out and I just can not handle it, maybe someday I will be able to. I am 81 years old and I want to get as much stuff done before I pass on as I can so that my sons wont have to do it for me.

 I have posted on this site a while back after my wife died and I think it helps to just write down some of the things I feel , but can't express to my sons . I can see from the posts here on this site that I am not alone in my situation , it seems to be pretty common.

 I feel fortunate that her death came quickly , I am in pretty good shape both physically and money wise so I have a lot to be thankful for. I just have to find a way to move on to a better place mentality .

Thanks for listening

George P  

 

Hi George P.

This grief journey is a walk through grief and healing. My beloved wife, Rose Anne, An i were married for over twenty five years. She died four and half years ago, yet I still miss her every day.  I have learned to accept that this after life is what it is. I do my best to just accept life on life's terms. So much in life is out of my control.  I still haven't cleaned out her clothes closet of drawers. I get to it when I get to it. 

Life now is just different than before. I have learned much from these wonderful souls that helped me in my most difficult time.  I still have tough times but realize that they will pass. I am learning to simply move forward in life. I will never get over he. Her love and memories are embedded in my heart and soul.  We are still together just not in this physical realm. 

Most every one else has moved on with Rose Anne. This special place is where I come to listen, share, and care for others who are going through this grief journey . Please come and share, ask questions, and learn as we are all on the same journey. 

Take care - George C - Shalom (Peace)

3 hours ago, It's Impossible said:

Well, it seems I'm still around. My life kind of went into a tailspin in early July.But apparently the Lord isn't ready for me yet. I'm still here. I spent some time in a hospital, and had a few other various and Sundry things happen. But I won't elaborate on them. But I guess that even at 70 years of age I'm tougher than I thought. What's the old saying...you can't keep a bad penny down (or something like that. Next week I'll be moving into my new residence in Midwest City, Okla. Onward and upward!

I hope and pray that my "family" here are all well. I'm in a La Quinta in Okla. City (do I really need to tell anyone what state Oklahoma City is in? lol). They're saying we might get a bit of the white stuff here tomorrow, UGH!! Be well everyone.

One foot in front of the other...

Welcome back! Been wondering how you are doing. - Shalom (Peace)

10 hours ago, kayc said:

He tried to find my place but couldn't.  He calls me constantly, even though I've told him not to.  It's someone from my senior site, 85 year old man, he's from my table, I've known him about a year, I thought we were all friends, but friends respect boundaries.  I may have to quit going, it just started this week but it's way over the top (he called 11 times Wed. when I was trying to do my Colonoscopy prep, and also the next day when I was doing prep).  I've blocked him from calling but it doesn't work if I'm already on the phone, and it still rings in once.  It is creeping me out because I don't know what he'll do next, and yes, I miss my Arlie.  No one could hurt me with my Arlie and he was more than an alarm, he'd scare them half to death!

Kayc,

Check with your telephone company on how you can either block his phone number or put a trace on him.  If necessary file a police report and notify the senior site as well. You need to take steps sufficient to protect your safety and security.  Friends don't act this way!  Meanwhile, I will add specific and intercessory prayers for the angels to protect you - Shalom (Peace)

You are beginning here and now by simply asking for help.  This place is a safe haven for me because people here know, realize, and empathize with you and your story of grief, pain, and loss.  There are so many emotions and feelings that come at us that it becomes difficult to sleep, eat, and even breath. 

Grief takes a lot of energy and it is important that you take care of yourself through this most intense and difficult time.  All of the emotions you feel are real and authentic for you.  We are here to listen, share, and care for you, a fellow traveler on this road through this grief, pain, and loss. 

Please be kind to yourself.  No one is prepared for this unknown afterlife after your beloved's death.  Please return often and share what you are going through, questions you may have or when you simply want to tell someone how you feel... believe us... we understand and want to help.  Take care - Shalom (Peace)

On 10/4/2019 at 10:36 PM, Lynda1 said:

I cannot believe how much I am suffering , Married in 2012 and died on September 7th 2019

Welcome to this safe haven of those of us who are left behind to continue this life after the unspeakable.   In my opinion, nobody truly understands the depth,pain, and chasm when your beloved dies and we are left to somehow live.  For me the SHOCK and Awe of it all just completed devastated my world and shook my foundation to the core.  There is no training manual or book of rules about this.  After a couple of weeks I found this wonderful place that listens, understands, shares, and cares for each other.  I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and at times really had difficulty breathing.  People here listened and gave me simply instructions on how to get through this moment, this hour, this day.  I listened and followed some suggestions and found a place where these people truly understand and empathize.  Many of us here have been awhile on this journey after... always learning, growing, and sharing with people who come visit as each of us did.  Please come and visit as often as you like. Ask questions, share, lets us know how we can help you on this grief journey. - Shalom (Peace)

Happy Birthday KayC.  Sounds like a great time! - Shalom (Peace)

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I remember when I got rid of my Grand Marquis LS, it was a connection to George, I remember so well the day we bought it.  It was hard...another memory changed.

Same thing when my Toyota Camry died.  Rose Anne's Makeup and face prints where still there years after she died. I just couldn't wash them off.  They were gone when the car was salvaged.  My backup car that I bought was from my client and it was a slightly newer version of The Buick Park Ave that I helped my wife purchase.  It had some comfort but Rose Anne never rode in that car. The previous owner died last year from complication of a progressive lung cancer and she was on oxygen just like Rose Anne.  Memories keep piling on but they are never the same.  - Shalom

On 9/25/2019 at 10:33 AM, kayc said:

 In Grief: After Caregiving Ends, Who Am I?

Most people expect you to get over your dog in a week or so, they don't expect you to still be full on grieving at six weeks.  You can't put a time frame on this!  I've never felt this way in loss of a pet before but he was so much more!  He was my family, my companion, my best friend!

KayC,

You are still the person that loves and cares for Arlie.  Don't let anyone take that from you.  My beloved pets are still on my mind and hearts and it has been many years since they died.  Other people don't know what we know or feel what we feel.  I make no excuses.  Life is too short and too precious to let others perception of me steal my joy, love, or peace.  Let them MOVE ON!  ... NEXT!!! 

You will know when is the right to for you to get another pet.  Grieve and just feel the feelings.  They are a part of you and a part of us.  We do not tire of hearing about Arlie. 

BTW...  I notice no one brings up wife's name, "Rose Anne" until I do.  It is my memory, my grieve, and my heart.   We who are left behind have to learn how to deal with this every day.  We don't move on.... We move forward... one day at a time! - Shalom (Peace)

My sister called yesterday and talked for three hours.  Her tone and countenance was different. About halfway through she blurted out, " I miss talking to you!"  I told she could call me anytime.  She is the one that is hard to reach.  

I agreed to meet her over at Dad's house today and it was a pleasant visit. She wanted to give me a tour of the home so I let her.  She is having difficulty letting go of objects and things because they were my parents belongings accumulated for over 60 years.  The suits of Dads are four sizes too small.  I did get 10 gallons of paint... they are sure heavy.  I need to paint my home... someday.

It is getting cooler now 55 at night so the home is finally cool down to the 70 the last few days.  It is 84 in the home now though at 10 pm.  The AC company finally called me this week for some maintenance and looking for payment.  I told them I was really unhappy with their service and they still owed me for two service visits.  They now agree with me that a straight air conditioning unit instead of a heat pump would have served me better. I told them that AC is not a high priority for me now going into the fall season.  Yes, it has been hot but I have saved money this year from not running AC in the whole house.  I don't have the $5,000 to get one now anyway.

Work is real busy again this week,  so I just keep pressing forward each day. - Take care and enjoy the journey as best you can. - Shalom (Peace)

23 hours ago, Clematis said:

Yeah! I'm in a holding pattern right now and plateaued, but at least I'm not gaining weight at the beginning of the new school year and all its stress...

True.  Stress raises Cortisol which raises our Insulin level and causes us to store fat and prevents us from burning it.  Oddly enough, Weight resistance training and HIIT Cardio are good stress relievers and reduces Insulin levels, builds balance and core functions.  I am reading now this book about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that is supposed to help with dealing with stress... We will see! - Shalom

4 hours ago, Clematis said:

I am finally getting ready to sell my dad's car, Bob -the Mercury Grand Marquis. I feel sad about it but I really don't have room for it, and a car is an expensive and bulky sentimental item. I am parking my new car, Udevash, in my neighbor's garage and Bob is in my carport, but my neighbor wants to move to Reno to be near family, and when she does Bob has no place to go. It seems like a big connection to my dad to be letting go of my his car. It's been like having him drive me around. Nevertheless, he keeps talking to me about it, and that has been helpful. This morning I did the final cleaning out of the trunk, and he hung around with me for the entire task, making comments about this or that and what I should do with things...toss it, put it in the house, etc. A couple of times he said, "Oh, you need to put that in your new car and keep it there!" A dust cap from a tire..."Your bike is missing one of those"...sure enough it was. I found something in an illegible plastic bag and heard, "Oh that's a raincoat - you should keep that in the back of your new car." Ok. He used to buy things he saw advertised on TV, and he'd buy two - one for me and one for him. Some of these things were junk, but many were good items and very worthwhile. Eventually now, I have both of them, his and mine... I sure miss him. 

I also found a giant folder that enclosed MRI scans of his entire back, slice by slice. It was done a few months before he moved to AZ in 2006. I wonder what was going on that required these scans. He didn't talk to me much then about a lot of things. "What am I supposed to do with these, Daddy?" No response and then, "Oh just stick it in the garage." Ok.

There seemed to be something else he really wanted me to find, and I kept digging. Finally - found it! Two long plastic boxes...I wasn't sure what they were but opened them up to find some long warning things - like for it your car is disabled by the side of the road. I had never seen them before and thought they were surely no good now, but they had no batteries, but long reflectors that you pull out of their cases and arrange into big triangles to warn people. He didn't have to tell me to put them in the Matrix.

A few weeks ago I cleaned the car inside and out, except the trunk, and the oddest thing happened. I installed a Bluetooth stereo in the car about a year ago and was listening to Janos Starker play the Bach Cello Suites while I was cleaning out the car. Suddenly in the middle of the cello suites I heard the opening bars of a tune called "Neria" by Oliver Mtukudzi aka Tuku, who died not long ago. This is one of my all-time favorite artists, and my dad had listened to him with me frequently. But the song Neria is one that Tuku wrote to his daughter about how much he loved her. So here I was all verklempt over cleaning out my dad's car and preparing to sell it, and out of the blue is this song. Nice to have him still hanging around with me. It's not the same as when he was alive, but it means so much to hear his voice and feel his concern. If I ever need them in the Matrix, he'll remind me where I secured them in a spot near the spare tire. I love that he's still taking care of me...

Your sharing reminds me of  my sister.

My father died three months ago and my sister was his caregiver the last 18 months in her home.  She has very similar stories that she shared with me today and it gives her great comfort amidst the grief.  I'm glad you and Lena are doing well.  It's good to her from you. - Shalom (Peace)

5 hours ago, Clematis said:

......  I have a friend who has been encouraging me via texts on a regular basis and that has been extremely helpful. She also told me about the 16 hr-8 hr intermittent fasting plan, which I think has been the key to my success.

Congratulations! I stumbled upon Intermittent fasting two years ago and i natural fasting 1-23 hours each day. It is a great and natural way to shed excess lbs and maintain it!

On 9/5/2019 at 6:59 PM, kayc said:

Thank you for letting me know, George, I have been praying continually.  My internet is intermittent and t.v. may be as well, we're having a storm here, nothing like Dorian though!  Thunder and lightening, wind, hail, rain, until 4 am (7 your time).  I managed to walk Joe this morning before it started.  Rain following tomorrow, all week along with cooler weather.  It got over 100 today, not predicted above 88.

Enjoy your day off, you don't get many of them.  

The eye of the Hurricane Dorian passed further east of me so there was just raining and some winds.  We were spared. Electricity and internet stayed on.  I'm heading out for work in a few minutes. I wanted to let my friends here know I am doing okay. KayC, stay safe and use wisdom about travel and helping your friends.  Peace be with you in your travels, home, and sleep. - Shalom

8 hours ago, kayc said:

Thanks, and I'm praying for you in this storm...

I am home and work has been cancelled for tomorrow.  The eye of the storm appears to be veering east which is a good thing. The latest forecast for tomorrow are rain and winds up to 35 mph.  I plan to hunker down and enjoy this day off.  Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers. - Shalom (Peace)

23 hours ago, kayc said:

Last night I dreamed about losing Arlie, all night long, it was horrible.  I wake up and it's real...the thing I've feared most since I met him.  I can't wake up from this dream. 

 

I'm so sorry. Our minds have a mind of their own.  I will pray for peace and protection from these disturbing dreams, my friends. - Shalom (Peace)

On 8/28/2019 at 1:46 PM, Jackie - Richard said:

Doing what i usually have been doing at least once a day, i have flung myself over Richards bed, rubbing my hands over his pillows where his head would have been and as usual opening up my heart talking and crying to him...just saying what is bottled up inside me, which is often the same as i have let out before...Well this time once again i am angry with God...i had been reflecting on the day we had moved into our previous forever home together along with my-our dog Petra not long after Richard had taken a year earlier retirement, and here i go again, angry with God that he took him away when we hadn't fully enjoyed our retirement years, saying, " why did you take him." we still had a good ten years ahead of us to enjoy our retirement, " we both worked all our working life, reap our retirement money, then what happens, we- or one person doesn't live long enough to enjoy it, does this seem fair..

I have to also put some blame on my MS ( 4 years ago ) as this too interfered and stopped Richards enjoyment as he wouldn't go to places without me, and with my MS there were a lot of places i wouldn't have been able to go to...so he also suffered along with me...he missed out on a lot of things...my MS not only has ruined my life but it had ruined Richards life too...He never ever complained that he was missing out..

 

Jackie..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can speak from the husband/soulmate perspective.  My beloved wife, Rose Anne's Diabetes,  progressed to the point were the last six years of her life she was completely disabled and unable to work.  I never thought or imagined for one moment that I was missing out on life because she was ill.  She was my life.  Just being with her calmed me and settled my soul. She would mention how she thought she was a burden to me and making life harder but for me it was just the opposite.  

I loved her from the moment I saw her and our bond grew closer each passing day.  We were blessed to share almost 26 years together.   She knew every day how much I loved her because I showed her every day.  She would comment, " How come you love me so much?" I would answer, "because I love you more today than yesterday!" 

I still miss her presence every single day. I had the best life with her even during the difficult and trying times. They were still better than what I'm dealing with now since she is no longer present... the afterlife is not as bright.    Still, I press forward on the path set before me. - George (Shalom)

On 8/31/2019 at 8:25 AM, MartyT said:

There are three options, Gwen: Like, Upvote and Thanks. They are open to interpretation, but are meant to give readers different ways to respond without having to leave a lengthy response. I see Upvote as saying "I am here and I have read your post" while Like says "I read what you've written and I like what you've said." 

I am more confused now than before. I thought it meant just the opposite.  Now I have no clue how to respond.