scba

Hello,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm not sure how to express the following so I apologise in advance for my lack of good narrative. This is a community primarily based on love, comfort and care. People on here is in pain by the absence of what constitutes a part of their being. It may sound depressing to still be in agony after a long time, years too, but please remember grief is a unique and individual journey. And maybe we are those who will still be here to comfort those who have nowhere to go cause "it's been too long".

I am at year 6 and I miss and still cry. However, I have a new life weather I choose it or not. I work, I do households, I have a regular life but I coexist with my grief. I have survived. I see the sun and notice seasons. Doesn't mean I'm restored. Unfortunately that cannot be done after loosing my soulmate.

Whatever happens in my new life, one day I will be gone too and I will see him again in Heaven and live a life that will never end.  I hope your strong faith will help you to rebuild a new life. I have seen it helps tremendously in grief. 

And I have seen too those who seem to do pretty well and fine as if nothing has happened, perhaps they choose to hide their pain, silence it, or simply cancel it and put a stone on their past. Whatever, it is to be respected. This is a painful road and we cope the way we can. Here we are free to express our painful ache independently of the time that has passed. I lost my boyfriend 6 years ago. I was 35. I kindly disagree with Marg, it isn't a matter of age and youth. People with expertise in psychology can explain how age affects grief and "recovery". I don't have that knowledge. 

Peace to you and again I'm sorry for your loss. 

I do and I don't at the same time. I've googled some people from the past but never contacted them. 

Whoever searches on Facebook would only see sunset pictures. That's the only thing I have posted in the last 6 years.

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light". 

I'm so sorry Gwen. I don't know what to say. 

6 hours ago, TameraSanders said:

Yeah.  I feel like I can sleep forever.  My head is so muddled and foggy right now.  Another Friday it is.  What am I going to do to distract myself beginning at 2 to not start thinking about what happened.  To not think that he should have come back.  To not understand why he couldn’t come back.  To hurt for him that this happened to him.  He was so sweet.  He didn’t know.  He didn’t have anyone with him.  I just so hate this happened to him.  He didn’t deserve it.  I keep reading scriptures and prayers that say God has something great in store for me.  Does that mean Richard was not great.  What we shared together was not great.  If that is the case, the only way to attain that greatness is for Richard to die.  Richard is my first and last love, that itself was an answer to my long held prayer.  I wish we could have a do over.  I would drop ever to be with him, no questions asked.  I just want want we had back.  We deserved to finally have what we longed for and to finally be happy.  I finally had someone who loved me unconditionally and wholeheartedly.  Why did it have to be taken away from me.  Do I not deserve to be happy.  Do I not deserve to have a soulmate special love.  Boyfriend, partner, mate, companion.  Relationships never work out for me.  There must be something wrong with me.  

Dear Tamera, what you wrote is very touching. I shedded tears. I had the same questions back them. I read them now and they were mine long time ago. I don't have any answer. It breaks my heart cause I wish I could offer a glimpse of wisdom about "that". I can't. All I can do is to tell you that I understand. I'm sorry about what I'm going to say but for today, what's been in store for you is that you got through another day. I know it is of no consolation, your pain is there and will be there tomorrow but for your family and friends and for those who care about you it is. The only words that helped me then were: One day at a time. 

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

Why does saying it has been 5 years sound, even to me, like I should be all better?   

 

 

Because outsiders don't know what is left in the place were you feel so much pain 24/7, five years later. There is an emptiness, a void, an absence, a nothingness, a silence filling that space. And you experience that, "feel" that. 

It's horrible. 

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

There comes a time we have to surrender to knowing we will never get the answers.   Especially answers that will bring any sense of peace.  

That reminds me of the last scene of the movie "Jackie" and what the priest told her about the search for answers. That is a good movie about grief. 

I stopped asking questions. I buried the "what ifs". The word is right, you surrender. I fought and struggled a lot. Was going around in circles. There is nothing more "out there". Just a mistery, an invisible veil we cannot see through. But sometimes I do make questions just to feel a sense of freedom of spirit. There is silence, but my spirit is still free to ask. If there is an answer and an explanation, I wouldn't care. My love would be gone anyway. 

So I ask and I turn and walk away. 

2 hours ago, TameraSanders said:

I was going to move to the town he lived in, 1.5 hours from where I lived.  We decided in early 2019 that was what we wanted, to be together.  But I hesitated, went back and forth about selling or keeping my house, tried to find work there before moving.  Why didn’t I just go for it when we decided.  We could have been together but I wasted time.  I thought we had time.  We’re only in our early 50s.  He was very fit.  I should have trusted God to work out all the details and just left to be with him.  I thought I was being practical and making smart decisions and choices but all it was was indecision and doubt and lack of faith that everything would be ok.  I could have already been with him and this would have never happened.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend 6 years ago, we were in our 30s and we were together for 4 years. I too should have moved with him right away but I rented an apt with my best friend instead cause I valued my independence and etc. I should have married him right away but we wanted to wait for his health to be restored. I should have done this and that, but I didn't. He died and our life, our dreams and the life as we knew it died with him too. His funeral was my funeral. I didn't feel him being there. I saw myself as a ghost who could barely stand up and stop crying. I remember each person who was there, each word I said. 

Years later I gave myself forgiveness and an absolution for not knowing that we had little time to be together, for what I didn't know and we didn't expect to happen. I say it in plural, cause I felt that he would be so sorry for not knowing too. 

I'm so sorry Gwen. My heart breaks at reading about your dog. I don't know what to say.

Give them back

22 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

I know they didn't have any bad feelings towards me telling me that but That was exactly what I thought : what did I do wrong? And It is something that I still think about, I deal with a lot of regret and I am working on it but It is very difficult when you were with that person in his last moments and could not do anything to save him. I have always been very patient and caring but lately I am super irritable and careless, I know is part of grief, I just don't want to hurt anyone. 

 

 

Of course you don't want to hurt anyone but you are feeling hurt and grief hurts very bad. I remember being so afraid to be abandoned by my closest friends because of my acute pain. I still feel that in some way. People was like what's wrong with you! I didn't dare to confess them that I woke up wishing to be dead to be with my boyfriend. 

With time only we reach to a place in which we can forgive ourselves, forgive others, and think differently about people in pain. That's what I meant to say. It is a slow process. Right now it's ok to not be ok. 

5 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

 

People tell me that I have to take this as a lesson from God, but I find myself lost, why did I have to go through this to learn something, he was the love of my life, he didn't deserve it. 

 

Thank you so much for the articles ❤️

 I'm sorry they said you that. In my view, that kind of statement put blame on survivors. There is something that they did to "deserve" it. To love someone too much? And what about our beloved ones?  What is the lesson  to a mother who lost his son? I'm sorry but I cannot coincieve any of that, and to be said to someone so young. Having said all that, I think we can choose what to do with our pain. We can be vindictive, careless, selfish, cynical, bitter...or we can show compassion, affection, care and respect to those who struggle and suffer.  https://www.huffpost.com/entry/lessons_b_5260513

15 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

 I won't lie, I get really hurt when people tell me that just because we were not married or I am too young, that it means it does not hurt but I have learned to ignore and do what he would want me to do, keep trying to get better. I can't find people my age that have gone through this, and people get awkward when they are around me because they don't know what to do or say, I can sense it right from the beginning of the conversation. This forum has really really helped me because I don't feel pressured or judged, I feel free to tell my story and I know it is helping me heal. 

I feel really alone, I live with my parents but my siblings don't live here anymore, my friends have been wonderful in all of this but my insecurities sometimes get the best of me and I get the feeling they just don't know what to do. 

I lost my boyfriend too. We were in our 30s. I totally understand how you feel cause I felt the same. I felt I was the only one whose life was destroyed, I was suffering so much also because widowhood was about old people and nobody around me understood. My relatives told me they found happiness in their children and grandchildren. We didn't get to be parents. I was also suggested that I could meet divorced men. As if we were going through the same experience. 

I was very lost and alone with my feelings, which I didn't understand. These aloneness and unvoiced grief made a scar on me that didn't heal. But there is hope. It's been 6 years and I learned to live with it. 

I was very young, in pain, with no tools. I found this site. 

So my advice is to look for a place where you can express yourself with no judgement. This is one, also counselling, art, writing, support groups. Look for a space to voice your grief. 

Don't let anyone dismiss it cause you are young, unmarried and etc. You and your feelings are important and they need to be attended too. In your own terms.

The expectations on us young adults are that we will find out our road and be our old selves again (soon, preferably). In our culture Loss to death in young adults is treated as a sad break-up. It is not. Don't let anyone put you under pressure to feel better X day, reach X place, do X thing, think this or that way.

We will survive. I did and you can do it too. But the journey hurts.

We are few youngers in the tribe, yet you don't walk alone. 

Powerful verses. 

I have my father and I love him so much, but we are apart today due to the pandemic. He is a loving father.

I lost my paternal figures. My grandfather at 11yo, he bought me my first bycicle (red) for Xmas. 

My uncle, mom's brother, I was 28 yo. We laughed so much together. He took me to Disneyland twice. 

My uncle, dad's brother, who introduced me to reading, history and political science. Most of the books in my library were his.

And my fiance....he wanted to have a family, to have children or adopt them. We made plans. He had that dream with me at his side. He never doubted of it, I did sometimes cause I was scared, not because I didn't want it..... It won't happen, his vision is gone with the wind that took his ashes away...our children won't ever exist. 

Big hugs to all of you today

Ana

We are standing by you dear Kay. I understand your feelings. 

2 hours ago, mittam99 said:

 

I just wish I could press rewind and go back to the days of joy and love. The days when Tammy was by my side. The days when I had purpose and life didn't feel so sad and meaningless.

Mitch

Me too Mitch

I haven't written on my thread for almost a year. 

I'd like to write how it's going, and perhaps someone identifies with it too. 

I've read many times that a part of me left with him, that it feels like an amputated leg, or like you have to learn to walk and breathe again, to talk again.... I lost a part of myself but I struggle to believe it. Cause it cannot be true.....

I have realized that I have been struggling with the idea of a new me. Who am I now without him? But why do I have to be a new someone? 

And so, I tried to sort of go back to the past and to be who I was or recognized as such: a good student, a curious someone, a top worker, always trying to do more, achieve more. To be someone who had a future ahead, you know. and so I started to sort of run a race towards my old self.... because I must be somewhere, because some of that must have survived. Somehow if I went back to my old me after all all it would mean that this didn't damage me. 

But it was all wrong. 

I'm struggling with low self steem at the moment cause I cannot achieve what I would like to while I witness my pals playing the match. Like you don't belong here anymore.

I have no idea who am I and what is my value in this world. I need someone to tell me that, truly and sincerely. But that unique voice has faded in Heavens.

In the end all I have been doing was to try to be strong to still be myself and 6 years later I feel completely lost. I don't know who I am and I feel I have been thrown to a existence I never wanted to be. It is unfair. 

Whether I like it or not, it's just One foot in front of the other.

Ana

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Understand this.  Do not want to get out.  I read all night and when I wake up after 1:00 p.m. I say "why" and I could go back to  sleep.  And now is the time we need a counselor for Bri about socializing, but we cannot socialize.  To top it all off we have nothing but rain.  And, I guess that is a good thing, it is a self limiting weather where you cannot go anyhow.  Scott was wanting a Humphries last night about midnight..  No stores are staying open, not even sure this store is open a full day.  We are all in a "new day" and we are all in it together.  I keep trying to think of some reason Billy was taken instead of me.  Not feeling sorry for myself.  Just wondering what I need to change to make myself a better person.  Not sure I can.  

Oh, I'm an early bird. I cannot stay in bed for more than an hour. I generally don't fall asleep again. My thoughts start racing (to nowhere) so I get up.

I'm thinking at your question, what I would need to change to be a better person.....

Excelent article

On 5/19/2020 at 12:36 AM, Marg M said:

 because when I open them, there is something of his and it still cuts like a knife.  .  I can handle it, but I still don't want to open those boxes.  

This is so real. So true. I totally relate Marg

1 hour ago, Metal said:

Dropstereo, I am so so sorry. I don't know if you've read my thread but reading your post the comparison is scary (her 33, and 16 years together) almost like reading my own post and not recognising it as my own. I can't help, but I am feeling your same pain. I don't know how the hell I will get through this either. I hope you find some family or friends who will help support you. Feel free to message me to talk, I don't know anyone else who has been through anything like this. 

You will survive. Trust this. Trust this when the storm is all over the place. It is one day at a time. You did it today. You'll do it tomorrow. One foot in front of the other.

On 5/13/2020 at 8:37 PM, Dropstereo said:

I z I’m I think finding a community that knows how eachother feel and what we are going through is much more helpful than reaching out to people who may be considered “best friends”. This has been awful , but watching my “friends” back away cuz of being scared to talk to me feels even worse. 

Yes. Find a place were you can express yourself freely without judgement. Were you can cry. Therapy, grief group. This forum. This is a scary thing to write but your journey has just started. We all here have been when you are today, but you don't walk alone. Not here.

Your friends won't get it and those who will stand to witness your pain are going to be few. I lost my boyfriend 5 years ago. He was 31. 

This is the most compassionate place ever. 

I expect a set back and be all locked down again.

1 hour ago, kayc said:

  

I am personally glad he hasn't had to go through what I've been through since.  I'm glad he doesn't know what it's like to have his heart and soul ripped out of him.  To face the challenges that come along, all by himself.  To know what true loneliness is.  

Me too

The big bed expanded the feeling of loneliness and abandonment. Back then I had too much on myself at the time to go to bed while I was staying with my parents. I couldn't add more painful feelings.

If I had been a Greek God, I would have set fire to all, our bed, our clothes, our apartment. two weeks later after he died, I had to move out. I will never, EVER, forget the moment when I closed our bedroom door and left our home for the last time.

I have survived to all that. But I'm carrying too many scars, too many wounds, too many burials, to many left behind. As long as I'm alive, my pursuit is serenity. I have no big dreams anymore. I have downsized my expectations. I have downsized my bed.

Perhaps that's the reason I never attached myself to anything else.