scba

It's very hard to find motivation to stay healthy. Somehow you feel like "where's the point of it". In my opinion, it takes a long time to feel the need of putting yourself on track. I'm in a better place with regards to self-care. Definitely. But I had my dark periods too. I stoped caring about the (little) amount of meals I ate. I didn't go to annual doctor check. I didn't pay attention to my clothes, my face and my hair. It took me several months to wake up from that state. The first thing I did was to go to the hairdresser. She said nothing and was very kind in cutting my hair while tears were coming out. 

It takes time.

I put my meal on a tray, I eat on the couch and watch TV. I had 3 tablecloths of different colors. Didn't use them again. A table for myself increases my alonement feeling. It's the worst moment when traveling too. 

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

And the last post should have been under some other topic.  I'm sorry.

\

Absolutely not. This is the right topic. and I learn lots about American society and history through your stories. Thanks for sharing them. 

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

We waited until a year later.  His old fishing hole, his old home bayou, family and friends released balloons and Kelli jumped off the RR trestle that went across the water.  I guess if we had had liquor it would have been a Bayou Billy memorial, but he would not drink, and no one else did either.  My mom's was quiet also, but she outlived all her close relatives at 95 and my uncle, her brother-in-law made it a graveside services with what family we have left.  I just want to go quietly, but there are still some people that feel the need for services which I guess are meant to help those left behind.  My dad had a big Masonic funeral and the family sat separate behind a side in front of all the people.  I had cancer at the time and was weak from treatments and Billy and Scott were on each side of me.  I just remember seeing people trying to see "the family."  It was then I decided I wanted to leave quieter than I came.  I hate the lengthy planned services.  Billy was a private person so the memorial get together was for Kelli, the rest of us understood going quietly.  It is up to the different people, I guess.  My uncle wants the funeral, his wife wants the quiet, cremation.  Mama wanted the quiet.  My little cousin had alcoholic poisoning, was not a bar drinker but got the addiction and could not stop.  At her funeral, big, the pastor, a family friend, long-time pastor mentioned her falling by the wayside.  Only my love for my aunts made me keep from walking out of the services.  Her young children were at the services.  My mind was made up then.  

I didn't know what my bf wanted. He never mentioned it. what his family prepared for his funeral/celebration was appropriate. People told me it was a "beautiful" ceremony. I remember nothing of it. I cried all the time it lasted. I remember feeling a pain like nothing else. I remember touching his ashes with my hands when they were spread. I remember feeling like I have had arrived to hell and that being my funeral. 

Years later my last grandma passed. Half of the family was at war with the other, they didn't attend her funeral. We all behaved like strangers, no words, no chatting. It was the cruelest thing I have ever witnessed. My grandma would have been so upset and disappointed. When her coffin was being laid down I silently asked her to forgive us for failing her. I hope she was already in Heaven with her husband and her son, unaware of what she left behind. Sometimes we want them to be with us. At that moment, I didn't. 

I'm sorry Gwen. I understand how you feel because I felt the same two months ago when I (or it) turned 6

29 minutes ago, Kieron said:

I agree with you, Gwen, I was astonished by how much fear there was, in the days and weeks and months after.

I feel it too. I was astonished how afraid and vulnerable I felt then.

I confess I'm afraid of what is going on, caused by this virus. I'm finding myself crying often and feeling afraid for the present and the future. This fear feels different.  Where's hope? 

Im so sorry. I have been in a similar state of shock as you're today, you're in survival mode and in the peak of your pain please try to keep the minimum: drink water, wash your face. The tap water running on your face eases the sting of tears.

If I can give you a piece of advice, it would be to start counseling. You have been through a traumatic experience and it could be difficult to deal with that on yourself without professional guidance. 

Keep coming here, we understand.

OMG I'm going to cry. His eyes, his smile, his confidence, his strength, his values, his ideals, his conversation, his bravery, his courage, his faith, the way he loved me, respected me, treated me, looked at me, hugged me, cared for me. I was first and last. 

My life is now built in a desert. It is even possible. 

Hello Tina. I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm too living alone and I don't have kids either. Nights are very hard. It's been long for me but today, I've been sobbing all night because sometimes It hits me hard and I'm all lost again. 

It's really one day at a time. You and I and all of us here have made it through today, and we'll make it tomorrow.

This is a compassionate site. We understand how you're feeling.

On 10/16/2020 at 10:13 AM, Kieron said:

Kay, that's so sad and so cruel of them.  They deprived her of being able to grieve.  The lack of common sense... 🙄  I am reminded that I was told that Mark's mother was given antidepressants some months after he passed because she was crying too much.  I told his sister who lives near her, my low opinion of that course of action, and she didn't quite agree but then I have issues with her for how she handled things.  oh well.

I can relate. My parents, seeing me suffering, made an appointment with a doctor and without any assessment, he prescribed me antidepressants. Just like that. I didn't take them. I'm not saying nobody should. I mean, It didn't sound right to put grief and depression together just like that.

12 hours ago, Kieron said:

Just an old way of referring to wisdom painfully acquired.

This is a very interesting thread

20 hours ago, KnVsMoM said:

 

.
He was a good man, & that was no kind of life to wish on him or anyone else. I would have never wanted him to suffer like he did, but I'm still just so lost without him. It makes me seem selfish & cold to question his death.

When my boyfriend was pronounced dead, after a week in coma from a challenging surgery....I was sitting on the hospital aisle floor. The white roof light shinning, an empty corridor at 4am. I was like a soldier lost in battle, laying on the mud. I couldn't ask what happened, what ultimately caused his death. Was it sepsis? Was it the surgery? His trusted doctors, what did they do? I lost. We lost. I failed. They failed. God, I, They.... I got up and walked away, to never return. We weren't married and I was too young to fight against what couldn't be changed. I question his death, I mean, my heart questions his death.

I've mixed feelings about the subject of this thread. I've felt that death could ultimately be a good thing for my bf, who too had a chronic disease....But at the same time I feel it as to acknowledge that what happened was the only option for him. That there was never another possibility. Not healing. Just slipping and dying. I struggle with this concept 6 years later. What's the point of thinking of it now? I don't know. All I know is that I will coexist with survivor's contradictions for the rest of my life. 

On 10/2/2020 at 10:32 AM, kayc said:

 but my other sisters are too busy to talk?  They have husbands that help them, I don't.  I guess they must be too busy enjoying time with their husbands.  If only that were our option.  Peggy said she finally gets it, she realizes how alone we are.  A hard awakening for anyone.

 

I understand this because it happens to me too. I'm the one who contacts my married-friends. It's hardly never the other way round. 

Shannen Doherty declared: "Why me? Why not? Ok if it's me. I don't wish this to anyone". 

Dear Tamera. I'm very sorry. Unfortunately we will miss them forever. That's for sure. It will take time to smile at memories, but a little bit of sadness is still there, because we still love them and miss them. 

It's one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. There's no other way. I know how painful this sounds to you, when you are just at 3 months and feeling so much pain.

And to conclude, I've listened some friends saying that many married people download Tinder just to have a look. That they would. 

I was like... These people have their spouses alive and I don't. But I said nothing. I don't wish it to anyone. 

Apparently these apps are to meet people for a chat, for making friends and so on. There are many. Not just dating. I was like, I'm not going to make friends again if that is the procedure. I don't judge anyone who whishes to use them to meet people. At all. I'm old fashioned. That's all. 

I'm sorry for your granddaughter. I hope she's doing better. And that those guys stopped. 

On Sundays I visit my best friend, and only friend in town, to have lunch together. We don't have money to go out, so we prepare our meal. We enjoy doing that and chatting about nonsenses. Today she told me about a friend and her pursuit to meet someone. Apparently the only way is through an app and then people start asking for pictures of yourself, and you talk of this and that. The procedure is, you "like" a picture of somebody, then you are allowed to chat, then you share pictures, then you chat and maybe one day you will meet this people. "At least you would chat with someone".

I said nothing and focused on mixing the eggs. I found this to be too sad. I guess I prefer to not meet any people if that is the way. And I don't qualify at all. I don't take pictures of myself and phone chatting annoys me. 

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

  I’ve had people say things that sting like.....I know you have the time.  

Unfortunately that's a general presumption towards single/divorced/widowed childless women. 

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

seeing myself from back then is a shocker for me, too.  

 

It happens to me too.

BTW, I remembered our fellow members Butch and Gracie months ago, her granddaughter who made us smile. I was at work when I read of her passing. My co-workers didn't understand why I was shedding tears. 

I hope Katie and her sons are well. 

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Nothing will be perfect as there will always be that part of us that knows it is happening because of a terrible loss.  That’s the rub.  All we face now because of a change we didn’t want.  

This is so true.

On Monday, I turn 6. It's his death anniversary. To some extent, it's a date of mine too.

It represents many things. For instance, the day I woke up to a new world. Where the silence of the night isn't interrupted by a lock on the door. Where Sundays are routine. Where years go by and I don't remember what exactly I've achieved or done. When a year seemes to be pretty much the same as the last one. My therapist asks me: what did you do in 2017? I reply: I went to NCY. I remember nothing else. Nothing else speaks up in 350 days. The same for 2018. 2019. I guess 2020 will have its own chapter for the reason we well know.

This year I'm living alone for the first time. I'm capable. I manage well. This is what can be seen onstage. Behind courtains, what I feel is that I've finally graduated as a widow. I've full knowledge of what it means. I still don't understand why me. We both deserved so much better.

I write this as it is: his death destroyed my life. I can confess it only here. 

However, I'm alive, I've survived, I can swim this ocean. I have no dreams, just expectations. People don't know you bury dreams too. 

I keep going. To my view, to nowhere. There's a verse on the Bible about the time when the Light is gone, you live in the shadows and you don't know where you are walking to. It's true. But I expect for positive things for myself: to be healthy, to keep my job, to travel. To stay serene. 

For the last couple of years I've spent the D day with my favorite fake activity: I keep myself busy. Very busy. My parents check on me, my in laws too. To them, I'm still that very young woman lying on the floor with no light in her eyes. Just tears.

Sometimes I see her, the younger me, hanging out like a ghost. When I'm tidying up my place, I see her doing the same, keeping the apt clean while he was in hospital. Keeping a normal life and looking forward. For when he is back from recovery. I feel she lives in a parallel universe now, where things are different. Where she hasn't been touched by tragedy. Forever young.

As the song sings, my love is my scream and my silence, the sky and the earth, the bird that sings in my window. He is everywhere and nowhere. 

I like the sun, I like spring and summer. I hate feeling cold, I dislike sweaters. I like to stay in the sun. But one thing is the Sun, another thing is the Light. My Light is gone. I will see it again when my life is over. That's my last hope.

I've survived and I'm still alive. I thank you all for being with me since the first post in this thread. 

(What a word salad)

Peace and stay safe.

Ana

I'm so sorry for your loss. We all have been when you are today. A kind friend checked on me everyday for three questions: have you drink water? Have you ate something? Have you slept? I couldn't eat, so I ate fruit. Fruit in little pieces, like grapes, strawberries. I couldn't feel their taste, but I ate something. I couldn't eat a whole plate of anything. Fruit was easy to eat. I couldn't sleep. I took pills under medical supervision. I woke up and wanted to die. I was dying. I lost pounds. I don't know how or when exactly, but I started to eat, to drink water, to sleep. To sit outside in the sun. I was lost and in pain. What you are going through is normal, it's painful. It's the worst. I'm so sorry. You cannot see it today, but you will survive. I'm in my year 6 and I lost my boyfriend too. 

9 hours ago, kayc said:

@TameraSanders We balanced each other, we fit so well together.  It seems my life is one of survival now, gone are out camping trips, drives, fun, being part of a "couple," having friends over, or visiting them, summer barbecues, all gone.

 

I so feel the same.

My life has been on survival since then

2 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

Will this fresh hell ever get better? Am I doomed to live in a constant state of horrible sadness and emptiness for the rest of my life?? I don't want to live like this day after day after horrible day!! Is this all there is left? A broken, weepy, half person?? My God I cannot do it!!! Only 10 days and it seems like 10 YEARS!!

Yes it will, but it won't happen immediately.  I too was scared at the thought that the excruciating pain would last months and months and forever. I carried on by "one day at a time". You are on survival mode, trying catch your breath. You survived yesterday. You will survive today. And tomorrow. So it is really one day at a time. 

Grief evolves and softens, as a stone whose edges are shaped by water and wind. You won't live like this forever, you eventually will learn to coexist. However, it hurts anyway. I'm very sorry.