scba

Hello Tom. Very nice to hearing from you again

D

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

I look back on those years and have NO interest in records related to his death.  I don’t want to voluntarily go back to a nightmare I don’t know how I survived.   It would offer no closure beyond the outcome of incurable cancer.  Plus, I lived it day after day.

All I can do is know I did the best I could.  I was versed in symptoms and jargon I had to know.  Some is still stuck in my mind.  

I took the same decision. I didn't check his records then. It's unnecessary at this stage in my journey.

The vocabulary I had acquired has been erased. He had a rare disease and most surely it won't cross my life another time. I lost interest about the state of scientific research too. We fought to defeat it and put it behind our backs. I left the battlefield alone. 

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

People are propelled by fear and looking for a miracle out of this pandemic. The vaccine is a part, but I heard on the news that nothing will change as far as masks, distancing and gatherings just because of it.  They talk about herd immunity and that’s a long way off.  People are so desperate they may make it worse thinking they are in the clear.  I sincerely hope it does work for the front line workers.  

I totally agree with you. Masks, distancing and hand sanitizing are here to stay for a long time. On July and August europeans were supposed to be in the clear. Yesterday the German chancellor shedded tears asking people to not travel for Holidays.

I hope vaccine works for frontline workers and they should be first priority. I think of my boyfriend's doctors and nurses and their selfless work. They all came to his funeral and they cried with me. I follow the Covid rules also in respect of their memory and sacrifice. 

I know nobody who is willing to get it as soon as possible. My impression is that people trust science but need more proof about how the whole menu of vaccines work.  

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It wasn’t earthmoving,

 It isn't and it should be ok, because after the massive earthquake you have been through you need those moments in which nothing much is asked from you, just a kind presence and understanding. I came to appreciate serenity and whatever provides for it. 

I hope you will be able to attend again. 

I can totally relate with your sharing.

I just remember the Xmas from my childhood. Big tables, lots of people, so much joy and fun. Until my grandpa passed and the fight for his money started. I don't remember any Xmas since then. I spent a Xmas with my bf in hospital and I was so so so upset caused I had planned a Xmas breakfast for the two of us. He and his family tried to cheer me up and I couldn't. I regret my behavior.

In a couple of days, that feeling will start raising inside my chest and I will spend days fighting against it. None knows but that's my Xmas. 

So, I have cancelled the celebration of Xmas, New Year and my brain will keep erasing them once they are over. 

55 minutes ago, kayc said:

Nor can they  presume to know what this is like.  Not even in their wildest imagination

Exactly! You find yourself in a platitudes' party. And that's rightly painful! they cause extra pain, which you don't need it and not from friends.

A long time friend, who even met my boyfriend (mostly didn't cause we lived abroad) she spoke about closing doors, about possible things from my bf past and his way of being with his sickness who may have caused his death. Another one dared to say that my boyfriend hidden the gravity of his illness to me, he should have prepared me for the possibility..... 

With these people in the few occasions I casually meet them I keep things as impersonal as they can be. I wish them the best but they're not part of my life anymore. 

No. They don't know and they don't understand. We learn to forgive them for that and we wish to them to never go through what we have had.

The cruel reality in our culture is that grievers stop talking about their beloved ones, about their pain and their struggles. Doesn't matter if you're a public persona. Nancy Reagan admitted "it hasn't got better". 

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

But accept how it’s torn me apart and destroyed a happy life?  Not going to happen.  

Exactly that. I feel the same. 

15 minutes ago, nashreed said:

That's sweet. How do you feel he is with you?

I don't know how to explain it. It's a very weird feeling. It's not like the old way of being here. I just can't put it into words. It's a spiritual feeling. Maybe is what faithful people feel about God/Jesus. I know he protects me and I've proof of that. He guards me. 

It doesn't make things easier though. No matter what his ways are today, the life we were supposed to live together, our dreams, it is all gone. That's why I really don't care that much about my future.

I may feel him but we won't have a conversation never again, to mention something. I won't see him getting old. And so on.....  I must live with that and with what it is, I mean acceptance, such a horrible word. 

I lost my boyfriend 6 years ago and the time he has been gone is longer than the time we spent together. However, I feel I'm with him. I feel he's somewhere here and around I'm involved in a sort of strange relationship. I am in a relationship. I don't know how to explain it. I just let it be. 

Marty is right. We are all valuable. We can't give up even if there isn't a purpose. 

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

So sad for the family but I am crying but smiling for the couple.  Ironically, I've told this too, the grown son wanted to give an anniversary party for his parents.  I cannot remember the number, it was wonderful, in the 60's in number of years.  I remember the man was getting out of high school when I first remember him.  He was the oldest and his dad was one of three deacons with my dad in this small Missionary Baptist Church.  There were, I think, 28 at the party.  One of the servers had COVID (and had no symptoms).  I think 24 out of the 28 came down with the virus.  One man, "in-law" by relation had gone so he could see his great grandchildren, which also were the great grandchildren of the anniversary couple.  The "in-law" passed away first, next the anniversary wife, and about 3-4 days later, maybe sooner, the anniversary husband passed.  It was their last anniversary and will haunt that son the rest of his life.  Some people think it is a hoax for political purposes.  Our politics are insane.  

Even Christmas is subject of political purposes. In Europe there's a battle to champion Christmas and the need/right to gather with family who doesn't share the same rooftop. People were out buying Black Friday's discounts and Xmas gifts. Cause, who is going to be brave enough to cancel Xmas for the sake of NHS?

The days of applauses and rainbows are over. 

I agree too.

Marg, I understood the expression knocking on wood. 

I'm sorry Gin 

I used to read a children's version of the Bible's Old Testament. My favorite was King David but, as every story adapted for children, the narration stopped when he defeated Goliat. What happened next? Was he a good King, did he live happily ever after? 

Thanks Marg! 

Kay, what does this passage mean? I'm not good at Scripture. I'm not sure about what's referring to. 

Oh, the world is full of fools. 

Thanks Marg and Gwen.

It hurts because she is my dear friend. I understand her feelings. But I want to be left alone with mine.

Thank you Marty very much

Not sure if this belongs here. 

A friend of mine has recently complaint that I don't open up myself about my grief, my feelings and frustrations and that I'm to stubborn and proud to admit I'm vulnerable. I know she means well, she's trying to shake me up.

Still, I feel really uncomfortable speaking about my feelings. I made it clear to her that I won't discuss my grief with anybody (who hasn't touched THAT flames) and I won't justify my decision. She made it clear that this attitude is not of a true friend and what type of life and relationship I could build If I behave that way. 

I am totally lost. I didn't see it coming. I love my friend. I need some wisdom and I don't know what to do. 

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I liked the young Clint.  Not so much for looks, but characters he chose.  Liked Play Misty for Me.   He’s got such a great voice that’s unmistakable.  Didn’t he do one with a chimp?  I seem to recall the phrase....scrap the caddie.   El Torino was good and got lots of praise deservedly.  I thought The Mule was  great too.  🙂

Nothing like the rain scene on The bridges of Madison county. 

I loved this salad

On 11/14/2020 at 9:46 AM, Kieron said:

I, for one, am relieved that what happened 4 years ago this month isn't happening in this time of covid.  he would have been highly at risk since being on dialysis suppresses the immune system. I think I would shatter into a million pieces if I had to deal with that added layer of complexity, esp. being separated as you and Annette were.  I look at photos and think how grateful I am I don't have that to worry about.  I can't imagine how people living through it now are coping.

I cannot even fathom how it would have been for my boyfriend since he was hospitalized frequently for therapy. 

However I feel no relief...cause it would mean that he is alive and has a chance to survive. Even small.

He is dead and it doesn't matter what he or I would have done. People who haven't gone through what we have doesn't get what a tomb implies. There it lies a future that will never be. 

My heart writing this....

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

He should be here so we could start the long dark winter on a bright note.  

Happy birthday, my love.  ❤️

Dear Gwen,

We are with you today and we understand your feelings.

I often wonder how life would have been if this and that happened or didn't happen. My mind has been so altered by his loss that I cannot picture how our lives would have been. I don't know. Perhaps this is the real meaning of your brain having understood "this is permanent".

It's hard though. No matter how long it has been. I should be used to see friends holding hands with their partners. I don't. I have to look away and in this time, my Covid mask protects my face of revealing how painful it is to see that. I'm sure my eyes say it so, but you have to be a good eyes reader to catch up what's going on.