Cathyc

I agree, do go there. I am not sure how familiar your friends and family are with grief, but if you are concerned about grief bursts upsetting them, you might want to be able to say something when it happens. From being with my sister in law in her grief, I can tell you it really helps if someone can just say they'd like to be be alone for a while or if they want to change the subject or something. If they are familiar with grief or know you very well, ti won't be necessary. If you can't say or don't know yourself what is best, then you'll still be okay, though. Obviously these people really care about you and I hope you can enjoy the love!

Redwendy, I have received endless amounts of inspiration from others here who have been though a LOT of grief. It really helps a lot to come back here, read their advice and experiences, and understand you are not alone. I have learned I can survive a lot more than i thought I was capable of, and not only that, but use it as a growth experience that is making me a better person. No one can guarantee your future and whether you will receive this or that but I can tell you for sure that many people here have set a strong example as to what is possible if we draw on the support around us (including the good folks who post here).

During my first session, my grief counsellor did a bit of a survey with me, that include the question about whether or not I am religious. I said I am not. She then made a few comments about how that makes it harder to deal with a death, but it wasn't in a judgemental way, it was just an observation. The point here is that she asked me about it early on, which I think is good. For me, because I am so uncertain about an afterlife, I wouldn't have likely stayed with a counsellor who talked so confidently about the soul hovering (as if it were a fact). I would just think we're not on the same wavelength and she wouldn't be in a good position to judge what will work with me. Perhaps in your case, the counsellor could sense, early on, that this kind of statement is compatible with your beliefs? For me, the question about whether I feel a deceased person around me is different, because a lot of us have that feeling and find it comforting, even if we believe it is from what we have internalized from knowing that person (as opposed to believing their soul is literally around us). So, I wouldn't take exception to that comment. It feels like a more natural question, regardless of someone's belief in an afterlife. I don't know but I agree with the others that you have to go with what feels right when you are with the counsellor. We are all so different that a counsellor who sutis one of us will not suit another. I think the most important thing is that you trust your counsellor and that you walk out of each session feeling that you have learned something about yourself and how to deal with your grief. One more thing. Like Brad's counsellor, mine has consistently said to focus on the here and now, and NOT to think too far into the future. It was hard for me at first, because I am always so forward-thinking. But I am getting used to it and understanding more and more why she emphasizes being in the moment.

My brother-in-law is clearing out all my sister's things from her house and keeps asking me to come and take things. It feels much too soon for me (just one month). It feels greedy and its almost like he is disbanding her life and trying to pretend it wasn't there. I know I shouldn't judge him. But can anyone explain to me how he is likely thinking/feeling Also, should I just go and get as much stuff as I can? I can handle packing it and putting it in boxes but I just can't bring myself to sort through it and decide what to keep. Plus, then I can take more time and think about what to give to friends, etc. I am also concerned that if I don't take things he will just sent it to a thrift shop and then its totally gone. Ideally I would able to ask him, but he doesn't response when I ask him about how he is thinking and feeling. Basically, he has gone silent.

Hi Karen, I am so sorry to hear this news but glad that you came here to express it. Yes, I can imagine you would be stunned by this news, and being so far away compounds everything. I have been here since the summer and have found endless amounts of support, comfort and wisdom here. Because of the time difference you might not hear from a senior person right away, but please do come back and check. In the meantime, take care.

Okay, I hope you'll stay in touch and let us know how it goes. Every time someone posts, its a learning experience for the rest of us. Plus, its always good to know how something turned out for one of our friends here.

Dear Benni, my heart goes out to you. I know those feelings all too well, as I, too, have had the experience of going through each and every little thing I wish I had done when a loved one was dying. This is part of the process, as far as I can tell. When I read your account, and the accounts of others on this, I realize no matter what we do, we always think of things we should have done differently or better. My heart goes out to you for the loss of you baby, too. In terms of contacting her family. everyone grieves differently. In my family, the family kind of closed in when our loved one died and I wish now we had had more contact with friends of the person who departed. Or perhaps her husband is trying to protect himself from people inadvertently revising his feelings of extreme grief. For now, I encourage you keep writing to us and perhaps see a grief counsellor because then at least you have someone who can talk to who understands what you are going through. Don't give up on the family contact, but also know they might need space to return it to you. In any case, please know that you are not alone!

I went through the very same thing when my brother died, in terms of second guessing every little thing I did or did not do before he passed. I'm not sure why we do that, but I think it is part of the grieving process. For me, the commonality was also in obsessing over the last 3 days of his life. From reading your post several times, I can't see how you could have done anything differently. Everything you did was either out of very thoughtful intentions, or from being stunned at how quickly things were changing and happening. What stands out to me is the extent to which you were being sensitive to your Mom's wishes and trying to prevent the conflict and her being upset about moving. You also need to remember that had you done anything differently, the outcome might have been worse for your mother. Since I am going through this myself, I don't have advice but just want you to know you are not alone in having these thoughts and experiences. You probably would have the same tortuous regrets no matter what. Thankfully, from your account, we can say it sounds like you did the best that any human could do.

Thank you, Marty. I found it very helpful to read that.

I agree that a grief support group is a good idea. In terms of your daughters, I appreciate your joking about it but I wonder if they have been learning somewhere that it is wrong to cry or that it is a sign of weakness? Perhaps you have already talked to them about why some people find it healthy to cry and release their emotions physically. If not, you might want to mention that so they don't assume that crying per se is wrong or unhealthy. For me, I found crying really helpful but had to learn to hold it in until the time and place were right to release it. Maybe this is to ask your counsellor about.

My brother is terminally ill and does not have long to live. I am frightened of losing my relationship with his wife, my sister-in-law after he is gone. We get along well although the communication can be difficult because she is from another country and culture. She might go back to her home country after my brother dies but I treasure the opportunity to stay in touch with her. Their marriage has been strained at times because he is not easy to deal with. Now she is under the added stress of being the primary caregiver. I have heard that after a death like this, the spouse may want to keep a distance, perhaps permanently, from the spouse's family, especially if we trigger feelings of grief and loss, or unhappy memories of my brother. I understand cannot control how she chooses to grieve. However, I do wonder what I can start doing now (or continue doing) or saying to her to increase the chances she will feel comfortable maintaining a relationship with me after my brother dies. I have already been supportive and helpful in terms of taking care of my brother, but I am wondering what I might do beyond that, in terms of ensuring a relationship with her that will stand the test of time. Thanks for any spouses or others who are willing to share their experiences and advice with me.

Thank you for your great suggestions, everyone.

My sister is battling brain cancer. At first when she shared the news we had some good visits But now when I offer to visit she tells her husband to tell me she is too tired. I have a feeling she doesn't want me to see her like this and she feels she cannot keep up a strong front when I am there. I wish I could reassure her she does not need to do that. Her husband does not explain whys he says "no." and I don't want to push it on him because he is overwhelmed. He suggested that I phone her directly. But would that be intrusive if she is tired and can't concentrate? I don't want to make my sister's troubles worse with these contacts, but at the same time, I think once I am there and she sees I can handle it calmly, it will be okay. I did offer to help with the care or sit with her while the husband goes out, and her husband declined. I have been sending her e-mails with a gentle "I am thinking of you" but no response. I can't tell if she likes the e-mails but just can't respond do to failing control of her hands, etc. There is no one else in the family who knows what to do. The husband is the only one with her and said he would prefer I address this directly with my sister.