debi.williams

I cannot tell you all enough how these wonderful posts have lifted me. Now I just need a sign from my beloved husband

Dear Maryann, I can't thank you enough for sharing your experiences because I know it is not easy. I understand totally that there is a powerful emotional feeling behind the idea he was speaking to you and that is hard to bear, but wonderful too. I am familiar with the Long Island Medium. I watched a few of her shows and always wondered if it was real so if you got personal proof that makes me so happy for you and for all the others I have seen her give readings to. I understand what you mean about the tickling because when mum passed I got the feeling someone was stroking my hair, this was many months after. It happened quite a few times and although there is no pressure to it it is like the hair on the top of my head has a tickly electric feel to it. It is one of those things that you are aware of though and question rather than fully believe. I have had it twice since my wonderful man passed. I am beginning to believe in the notion that everyone has an allotted time, my partner always felt he would not make old bones. I am fascinated Maryann when you say that you felt his spirit knew with the things you saw and that he said. On his final morning my gorgeous man Mathew said some totally random but heart stopping things of importance, so much so that I said to him 'that is very random where did that come from?' It is evening here and the day hasn't been a good one. I have that heavy weight feeling in my chest and the tears are never far. I have a leaking boiler and despite making an appointment for a technician to come and fix it (I sat from 12-5pm) he turned up at 7pm and then as he couldn't find a place to park easily said he would come back 'another day' on Mathew's last morning he said he would fix the boiler that afternoon but it was not to be because of the terrible events. Stupid isn't it to get so upset about a boiler but I felt like tearing my hair out. It felt like the last straw. My lovely man was so practical and able to fix literally anything from cars to entire central heating units. I am a single parent now with no living family and sometimes stupid things tip you over the edge. Thank you for the information about Doreen. I will look for her now. I bought 2 books after my mum died last year which I can highly recommend. One called 'I wasn't ready to say goodbye' which deals with sudden death in such a way you feel they are speaking to you and the other 'From grief to joy' which deals with the spiritual element. Your kindness in sharing your experience is the only thing today that has lifted my heart

Thank you so much for your responses and I apologise for starting a new post when I see this subject has been very much discussed before. Thank you Marty T for the link which is brilliant. Maryann you make a very good point about the 'fog' and the fact you feel Mark around is very comforting to me. If you have found any resources that have helped you I would be most grateful for them My man and I believed in life after death and he had had a few experiences as have I. For some stupid reason I imagine he would be so devastated to have left us (our 15 year old son also we have no other living family now) I think my expectations are unrealistic as I was hoping/expecting him to pop up everywhere and I know that is my deepest grief talking. I lost my mother only last year and both my partner, my son and myself were deeply effected by her death. My partner would comfort me continuously but now I am just overwhelmed. Scba, I sincerely feel that religion is not the key to this although I have no clue, like you, how 'it' works. Oh that we did. I totally get your 'acceptance' issues, I think that is the hardest part of it really because we are programmed to be realistic and practical and may try and find a way to explain 'it' away....

It is 1 month now that my beloved partner died so suddenly from a brain haemorrhage. I feel as though the world has become a place I don't know anymore and I am terrified. I was just wondering if anyone had felt some genuine contact from their loved after their passing?......

You are right To have had the privilege of such love. He was my everything my reason to breath. We know this you and I because we both of us had it. How lucky are we? how unlucky to have lost? The pain...... oh my god the pain ...the pain i t even it males me walk differentlty xx

Animals and very young children have a 6th sense. They cannot express themselves in the way humans/adults do so they show it in other ways. I am so so sorry for your loss of Mark. If you feel able can you tell me a little about him? It has been 9 months so I imagine Maryann you have had to survive anniversaries and holidays. How did you cope? In 3 weeks it is our son's 16th birthday, what do we do? Only 4 short weeks ago we both said to each other can you believe we have a wonderful almost 16 year old boy...... I understand the brave face because I will have to begin work next week (it is less than 1 month since my wonderful man passed on) and I am dreading it. I have many supportive colleagues - ironically I am the 50% boss of a small company - and they are colleagues to me not employees and they have all been wonderful. One of them is coming round to our house in an hour, but even so a 'boss' cannot sit weeping. My partner was so involved in helping me and my business partner set up the office and he bought orchids to wish us luck. They are everywhere in the office. He had such green fingers and everything he touched grew including my soul. He came to see me at least once a day, he built us doors for separating rooms at the office, he put our desks together. The office was his home from home too. He dropped me off and picked me up. He helped when we had 2 robberies to hold me together. There is no escape, no place I can go without memories, without seeing his gorgeous face so proud of me.

I totally understand when you say your boyfriend was THE ONE. He will always be the most sacred in your heart because you shared in the words of Shakespeare 'such stuff as dreams are made of' He must have been a remarkable person because your loving kindness shines through as does your passion. I believe too that animals know. They are not bothered about all the stupid things we have to deal with in life, they are pure creatures and can probably see through the veil. I met my partner relatively late in life at the age of 35. He came from an entirely different continent and it was an amazing twist of fate that we even met. He used to ask 'where were you all those years?' I would respond with 'I was here waiting for you' We use to wish we had met earlier of course then we could have had more children, we used to joke that we would have loved to have 10 children and a small bus to transport them in! I woke this morning with the usual thud in my heart and the words 'oh no' in my mind as everything comes flooding in. Every day is like a little death. I wake many times in the night and 'hear' his footstep on the stair. I once had a nightmare so awful as a child that I remember it clearly to this day. I lost my mum, dad and grandmother in a tram crash. I remember the feelings of horror and fear so well even as I write. Now - although not via a tram - it is all true and my beloved has been added to the toll. The love I had from all 4 people I am praying will sustain me. Many of my friends have said 'you had a love few people experience' well that's true but oh my god when it's gone. That is why I cannot believe it just disappears into the ether. People say you have your memories but what good are those if you cannot reminisce with the person you shared them with? It's like losing your voice when you are desperate to sing. I know it is one day at a time because that is all we can do. But the days are endless without him. He would take me to work in the morning, often bring me a sandwich at lunch and pick me up every evening. He would call or text me 3 or 4 times a day. He would hold my foot as I lay in a dentist's chair. We would put our heads gently together at traffic lights. He knew me and I knew him almost as if our souls were so familiar from another time. He was loving and kind to everyone he met. He was a man of great gentleness and strength. As I sit and write to you Scba the silence is deafening and heartbreaking x

My Dear Ricky, I so understand your loss and confusion and feelings of guilt. I lost my beloved partner to exactly the same less than 1 month ago. He was 49. He had had a short nap and had got up and complained that the freezer door wouldn't close. He took a mallet to the ice and then I heard him shout he was dizzy. I ran in and found him on the floor and he asked me for aspirin, then sugar as I think he thought he was having a diabetic attack even though he wasn't diabetic. His body was wet and cold. I live in a foreign country and didn't know the number for an ambulance and my beloved was able to focus enough to tell me, I'll never know how. He then vomited everywhere and tried to get to a small bottle of water. I opened it for him and wiped away the vomit as I was worried about him choking.He never spoke again. We had a high speed ambulance chase to 2 different hospitals but he was in a deep coma from which he never awoke. Less than 27 hours later we switched the machines off. My wonderful man suffered with high blood pressure, and the doctors told me that it could happen at any time. Had it happened 2 hours earlier we were both in the car and he was driving fast enough for me to ask him to slow down. If it had happened then our 15 year old son would be an orphan now. I was told that the slightest effort could have triggered it. It was not a case of if but 'when' I loved this man to the very depth of my soul and will continue to love him for the rest of my earthly life and then beyond. 3 hours earlier he had been chatting away and I was really tired and asked him to be quiet for a little while as I was tired. What I would give to hear him chatting away again. To hear his wonderful, soothing voice. I feel so much guilt about that. Andre knew you loved him Ricky. You cannot sum up 14 years in one tense car ride. That is not what your relationship was about. That moment of stress could not have been the cause of his vessel bursting, please believe me on that. My stubborn man never really got his blood pressure under control and even though I tried to bully, coax and cajole him to (he hated doctors) I failed. feel immeasurable guilt for that. I have as yet Ricky, no answers for dealing with the pain. Everything hurts from the sheer physical loss of him to knowing that such unconditional love I received from my soulmate was extraordinary. His shoes on the stair and his shirts in the wash basket make me weep out loud and moan with the pain. Putting the key in the door from another mundane but essential task such as shopping and realising he will never be on the sofa watching an episode of Monk with his headphones on and leap up to kiss me is too much for a human to bear. My heart goes out to you and to all the others on here who feel helpless and hopeless. I know though that grief is the price we pay for love but guilt isn't. Andre loved you and continues to and that alone makes you extraordinary. I wish us all peace and light in this hideous darkness XXX

What a beautiful, beautiful poem. Thank you so much for posting it. I totally understand the connection with birds.I am sure it is your boyfriend connected to your heart so that he knows when you are thinking of him. My husband loved birds and was always feeding them. None of his birds have been back to the garden since it happened. It is almost as if they know. Like you I am a rational person, but I have experienced so much of death and 'felt' so many things that I now don't believe there is any such thing as a coincidence. When something happens even something small, I believe you just know, I believe our loved ones have ways. The hardest is the sheer physical space they leave. The sound of their voice and the touch of their hand. I cannot contemplate life without him but I know somehow I must, but all that is sweet has gone. His aim was always to encourage me to be the best I could be, he asked for nothing in return just to be loved. If there is nothing beyond the horizon then what is all the love for? For a fleeting moment in time? I can't accept that because it would mean that all that is beautiful in this world is for nothing.

Dear Kayc and Scba, Thank you both so much for your loving kindness. Your support has already warmed my soul. We are members of a 'club' that none of us wanted to join. A kind friend took me to the supermarket to do some shopping because alas, my son and I have to eat and I felt like a zombie walking around. I asked my son if he would like roast chicken (also his dad's favourite) and when he said yes I chose a very small one because now there are only 2 of us...It is always the little things that cut through your heart isn't it? My husband's larger than life character filled the house and when I put the key in the door and he wasn't here I was overcome. My son and I sat on the sofa weeping. My husband always did the shopping with me, he did everything with me because time not spent together was time wasted in our eyes. Do you think it is better to have known such love and lost it for it only to cripple you or perhaps never to have had it and therefore escape this pain? Kayc, your advice is very wise. I will try my best to not make any hasty decisions. I am so sorry you had to remortgage and it is terrible that so much pressure was put on you by of all people a hospital. Not very compassionate. Did you try and recover any of the money? I do have a job but the rent of our house is very expensive for one person, but I just can't move yet. It takes all my energy to get out of bed knowing that today will be the same as yesterday so moving is too much and also I feel it would just devastate our son. All my husband's family are in different countries including California/Texas/Germany and Iran but I must say his friends here have been phenomenal. Scba, I love the idea of a window to heaven. Maybe we are not allowed that because we may live our lives differently if we knew....The dream sounds wonderful. Do you think when he said he 'comes and goes' he means to visit us on earth? I think it is somewhere beyond the veil but just where I wish I knew. We will all know in the end of course. I know my husband would be devastated that he left us so quickly like this and I feel sure he would visit if he could. Maybe our grief prevents it... When my mum died last year both my son and I were sitting in the garden quietly talking. It was about 3 weeks after her funeral and our hearts were broken. It was a warm June and early evening so very light. I had been talking with my son about his 'Gandma' (his nickname) with whom he was so close. She was also the best mum in the world and very close to my husband too who had lost his when he was 7 years old. My son began to tell me about a blue light he could see and then got very emotional. I could see nothing. A few moments after he started panicking saying that there was a gas leak in the garden as he could see a wall of haze and bouncing light. Again I could see nothing. I tried to walk to where he said it was but he told me it was too difficult to place as it was 2D. I sat down again and we continued reminiscing and then I looked up and there it was in front of me just as he described. This time my son could see nothing. My mum had come to say goodbye. I pray my husband does the same. Thank you both so much X

Hi everyone, I lost my beloved partner and father of our wonderful 15 year old son less than 1 month ago. He collapsed on the floor telling me he felt dizzy. I am British and live in Brussels, Belgium. My French is not so good but my wonderful man managed to tell me the number for the ambulance. It was the last words I ever heard him say. He was rushed to 2 different hospitals with me and my son following each ambulance, numb with shock. The following day his friends started to arrive and his one cousin who lives in Europe. My son and I never left his side. We held him and cuddled him and told him we loved him but he was in the deepest of comas. The doctor said there was no brain activity and I had to take the heartbreaking decision to release him. I begged for a sign and a single magpie came and sat next to me in the garden of the hospital. One for sorrow. They turned off the machines and we prayed and he died 1 hour later. He truly was our North, South East and West. He was 49 years old. We are lost totally lost without out 'Daddylou' he showed us unconditional love. Some days I can barely breathe for the pain. His shoes on the stair, his favourite fruit still in the fridge, his toolbox, his pictures, his jacket over the chair. All the words left unsaid, all our bright tomorrows gone in the twinkling of an eye. I have no family whatsoever now. I lost my beloved mum a year ago, my grandmother before that and before that my father. My wonderful 'rock' held my hand as I buried my family one by one. He held my hand when we gave birth to our son. He always held my hand. I have a leaking boiler and little money. We didn't have much financially, just enough to get by but oh did we have love in abundance. Our dreams were not big ones but they were ours. Where do our loved ones go? How is it possible that one day they are here filling the room with their wonderful characters and big personalities and then there is silence? Where does all that love go? I am praying for a sign (I had one from mum) How on earth do I go on? How on earth do I bring up our sensitive and fragile son up alone? How will I cope financially? Where is my beloved ? Thank you for listening XX

Karen, I am so sorry for your loss and can say that I know exactly how you feel and mean it. My beloved partner died very suddenly from a brain haemorrhage less than 1 month ago. We have one beautiful 15 year old son together. We are both devastated beyond words and feel totally lost. He was a huge character and used to make us laugh every day. He was a man who loved us both unconditionally. Sometimes the pain is so great I wonder how I can keep breathing. My son has become very quiet when he used to be so chatty. He had the most wonderful relationship with his Daddy 'my boy' as he was called. We were not married and he didn't leave a will. We didn't have much but love so there is no cash. He left a one man taxi company behind which I am fighting to keep for our son's sake and in the hopes that it can generate some much needed income for us. I live in Europe in Brussels Belgium and the amount of paperwork required is staggering. Of course there is always one vital paper missing. I have no idea how my son and I will survive financially. It is too much to have to think about when all I want to do is sit in a room and cry.