Ceili

My thoughts and prayers are with you Mom's Angel as we head into a new year. I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. But it shows the depth of love for your mom and she sees it. Peace.

WolfsKat - That is so much loss to deal with in such a short period of time. Try to be very gentle with yourself. Talk with those that you trust. I am so very sorry for your "triple whammy". Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you face this new year traveling such a difficult road. Peace.

Thanks DoreenHusted. I pray that you (and everyone) find peace this New Year. I am finding this time after Christmas to be harder than before Christmas. Last year at this time I was working so hard caring for my mom. I feel lost. My husband has been drinking more again and I resent him for that. We had a long talk last night about past angers that we never expressed. I never understood the depth of his feelings from his bad childhood. A very good friend from al-anon is going to pick me up for meetings so I can't talk myself out of going. I am very good at that. It really helped me in so many areas of my life when I used to go. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

DoreenHusted - I am so sorry for your losses. I know that what you are feeling is agonizing. Many years ago, I lost my 6 month old daughter Lauren, had a 16 week miscarriage, and then gave birth to a full term stillborn daughter named Maura all within a two year period. I begged for a C-section with Maura but they would not do it because of the risks to me. RISKS to ME? What did I care? Then my husband found another woman and asked for a divorce. I can honestly say that I was angry for 10 years. I gave up on my dreams of getting a masters degree in nursing, lost interest in everyone and everything. I finally decided that my anger was no longer doing me any good and tried to turn my life around. I have done that to the best of my ability but understand that I am a totally changed person. I am on the forum because I lost my mom/best friend 9 months ago after caring for her for 3 years. She was my main support over the death of my children until she became too ill to give any longer. I miss her terribly this holiday season and her loss has brought back the trauma of losing my babes as well as the loss of my dad and a best friend when I was 17. The fact that I am feeling that blows me away. I am glad that you are allowing yourself to talk with your children and find it helpful. They hear you. I am glad that your spirituality is a comfort. Be good to yourself and allow all of your emotions, including any anger, to be expressed. Allow yourself to be comforted. And remember that often people say the things they do to protect themselves - they can't deal with your losses. I have two golden retrievers and whenever I cry, they are in my face kissing and crying with me. As kayc said, "Two children is just way too much". Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Peace.

I am so sorry for the depth of your grief Mom"s angel. Your words are simply beautiful and agonizing. Thank you for sharing. A big hug to you. Someday you will have a day where you feel a little bit better - I promise. I am 9 months out and did have some time like that. Right now is rough with the holidays. And your loss is so new. Your mom hears your words.

Thanks kayc. Peace to you as well.

Thanks to everyone for their caring words and opening up about their own losses. I am sorry hollowheart, Twrangler, and kayc. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you all. No kayc, my husband has never sought help for his drinking and will not. He can go for a month without using and thus in his eyes he has no problem. As you said at one point, it has to come from him. A friend from al anon is getting on my case to come back. I am going to do that. Even when he is not binging, it makes me a better person. Whether we have lost our sister, our moms, our spouses or children, a friend, the holidays will never be the same. The loss of your mom is so new Thwrangler the pain must be immense. I think when we think about dying, maybe we really don't want to but see it as the only way to end the pain we are lost in, in that moment. I saw my counselor yesterday and it went well. May you all find moments of peace.

deb1 - I am so sorry for your loss as well. Such a hard time for all of us. Actually, your idea is great and I am taking some trips. In January. my husband and I are heading to Florida for a week to visit his step dad. I pray for sun because it has been so dreary here. Warm (really warm for December) but dreary. After that I am driving up to my sister's for a week. Then I will probably visit my brother in Arizona in March. Wow, just telling you these things makes me feel better (and blessed). Your loss is so new deb and I hope that you are finding the support that you need. I am happy that you are here with us. A hug to you and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you grieve your loss.

Thank you kayc and Marty. I really appreciate your advice and will really work at making it a part of healing. My husband and I did have a very open discussion this afternoon on how each of our behaviors and emotions are effecting the other. I was shocked at how disengaged from him (and our life) I have become and how deeply it has hurt him. He places no blame on me for his increased drinking and admitted it is a poor way to deal with things. Maybe this will give me some hope. I am so overwhelmed by how much dealing with mom's death this first Christmas has tired me out. And how deeply losing her has brought back all of my other losses including that of my best friend at age 17. Years ago. But mom was always there with me as I dealt with these losses - including my girls. I feel as if I have been hit by a truck. I will call my doctor tomorrow. Thank you again.

This is my first Christmas without my mom. I am so tired. I don't want to live. I feel foolish because I want to help people on this forum with fresher grief who are struggling. I am on antidepressants and see a counselor. My mom and I were best friends. She comforted me when I needed it (including every Christmas over the loss of my two young daughters years ago) and I cared for her the last three years of her life. I really, really want to die. I know that she is in heaven with my daughters and dad but can't find comfort in it. I feel alone. My daughters have been gone for many years and I could always see the love and support in mom's eyes every Christmas. She remembered. Now she is gone. I feel alone - a mom without her daughters and now a daughter without her mom/best friend. She died 9 months ago and I was really making some progress in August through October. had happy times. Now I feel no joy, no purpose. My husband drinks too much at times (a binger) and has started up again since my mood started going the wrong direction. I know that his drinking is not my fault (I went to al-anon for 2 years) but it still frightens me. God does not answer my prayers for strength and peace. I work at home and stay in bed way too much. This is crazy but the one thing that has kept me here is one of my golden retrievers. He is my baby and I don't want to cause him pain. I knew that Christmas would be hard, but had no idea it would have me considering dying as an option.

Oh my dear Mom's angel- I want to be with you and hug you. I wish I had words that I could say to help you, but I can't find them. This is my first Christmas without my mom and I don't feel like I am going to make it. I feel guilty because I am much older than you and had many more years with my mom/best friend. Oh I wish I could comfort you sweetheart. I feel like you - I can't even die because I don't want to hurt my siblings and my dogs. They try so hard to help me as well. I can say that I was feeling so much better until the holidays began. I know that someday you will reach a point in your grief where you feel that. This time of years intensifies every emotion that we feel - positive and negative. And your loss is so fresh. It has not even been a month. I am glad that you found this forum. You will find support and love given without judgment. My thoughts and prayers are with you. .

Thank you KayC. I do tend to take on too much at once emotionally. I just miss her so much. But I felt better and know that I probably will again. I hope that you don't have to be alone on Thanksgiving. Know that people on this forum care. Thoughts and prayers for you.

My elderly mom died 8 1/2 months ago. The past few months I have been doing quite well. I have been anticipating the holidays having heard that the intensity of grief on those first holidays can be very difficult. Today I realized that it is one week until Thanksgiving and the rug has been pulled out from underneath my feet. It feels as if every step forward that I have taken, has been taken away times two. I had no big plans for today (which is a bad idea) and I have been crying all day. I feel like a kid. I don't feel like I have the strength to get through this...Thanksgiving, her birthday, Christmas, New Years, my birthday. And finally, the first anniversary of her death on March 4th. I just made it through the anniversaries of the deaths of my two young daughters ( many years ago) I am overwhelmed and have cried so hard that at times I can't breath. I am very close to my sister but she and her husband are out of town until Thanksgiving day. I am back into the "bargaining stage" begging for mom to come back, which I know can't happen. Mom was always the center of my family holidays. What is happening to me? I do suffer from depression but have been on a new med for 4 months that has really helped. Friends and family have been telling me how great it is to see me happy, laughing. I had a good day yesterday and today....Bam! I want to crawl into my bed and pull the covers over my head. I feel like I am going crazy. How can I run away from this?

Thanks kayc. You are always so helpful.

I don't think that I have been here in about 3 months. My elderly mom died 3/4/15. I had cared for her for 3 years. Initially things were extremely difficult. I have a history of depression so my doc put me on a new med. It took awhile but I really started to make progress with my grief. I had fun, wanted to do things, volunteered. I just went through the anniversaries of the deaths of my 2 daughters (6 months of age and a full term still born) and a miscarriage at 14 weeks.This was the first time I went through these without my mom, but I did OK. I was proud of myself. But the past two weeks have been very bad again and I am afraid of returning to the darkness that I lived in for 6 months. I am crying again, having suicidal thoughts again. I see my doc and counselor this week and will tell them. I want to isolate and am so afraid of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Tomorrow is my parents wedding anniversary and then both of their birthdays follow. I have stayed close to my sister; we talk everyday. My 3 brothers and I "check in" once a week or so. 11/4 will be 8 months since my mom's death. Is such a backslide,after doing better, normal? Has anyone else had this happen? I am overwhelmed with fear that someone else will die. Thanks.

kayc - Thank you. I did have a dream about 1 week ago where my mom (still sick but not sick?) was relaxing in a big blue pool. Her face was radiant, her eyes closed. She said (without speaking), "I feel so much better now." I initially was upset when I woke up but am finally soaking in the message.

Hi! I have posted recently on the Death of a Parent board. I lost my 87 year old mom on 3/4/2015. She had been sick for awhile; I cared for her for 3 years. Her death has hit me really hard. She was my best friend. In the past, I lost 2 children and suffered a miscarriage all in September and October (years ago). Lost my best friend when I was 17. Dad is gone too. I am on anti depressants and see a grief counselor. Tuesday (2 days ago) was the first day I have not cried much since mom died - even though I feel like it at times. There are no tears. Haven't cried yesterday or today either. Instead I am angry - haven't felt that way since mom died. I am angry because of the suffering my mom and first daughter Lauren experienced. Angry that I had to sit by and watch my 6 month old daughter and my mother struggle to breathe. Helpless to the fear in their eyes. Angry that I had to give birth to my third little girl Maura, after she had died. Angry that I lost my friend at 17. I know that anger is normal and expected, but why did my tears just stop like that? Did that happen to anyone else? Am I angry now because I can't cry? I feel very badly about it because I have been yelling at my golden retrievers ; they mean the world to me. I get annoyed at stuff so easily. I hate feeling that way. I think that my new med is kicking in thankfully.

Tom - First of all, I am so sorry for the passing of your Grandfather. As everyone else has said, you are so early in your grieving. I lost my mom in March and even though she was sick and elderly, I was not ready. Can we ever be? Be patient with yourself and handle things as you see fit. This is your grief and it will take time. Keep coming back here - I just joined and find it to be a place of acceptance and understanding.

Sallie- I am so sorry for your loss. My mom died in 3/2015. She too was in the throws of end stage COPD which is a terrible disease. She actually died from a stroke which in her case was a gift; she would have kept getting worse from her COPD and it frightened her so much. I agree with MartyT that you take your concerns to hospice. This is such a difficult time for you so please be kind to yourself and keep reaching out to others. Again, I am so sorry for the passing of your mom.

That is a good idea Kayc; I will do that. How could he know if I don't tell him? I want to thank you all for your responses to my last post. I appreciate and respect all of your opinions. I did try calling my therapist yesterday but she was out of town. She did call however and we talked a bit. She wanted me to go to the ER if it got so bad again and she was not around. I almost did just that this morning but was able to clear my thoughts a little on my own. All of the dates, my babies, my mom/best buddy...it gets so overwhelming I just want out. I was told old losses come back but I never imagined the intensity, the flashbacks, the lonliness. Each and everyone of you helped me yesterday. Bless you.

Dave your mom does look lovely despite her situation. So sorry for your loss. My mom looked really young until the last 6 months of her life. Then she failed rapidly. Just like your mom Kayc, she was gaunt and frail. People would stare at her as if she were contagious. I think of a picture of her that my dad loved...she was 20 and an absolutely gorgeous young women. I have to laugh - we would take trips to the mall before she began declining and little old men would hit on her (this was after my dad had passed). She would get all giggly and her Irish cheeks would get bright pink . There was a man she dated for about a year. Being a very proud lady, she stopped seeing him once she started to decline. I had met him just one time and was shocked to see him crying near the casket at her funeral. I wish that she had not stopped seeing him when she started failing.He told her it did not matter to him that he just wanted to be there for her. "For God sake" he said." I am 89 and you are 87...aren't we past that?" I guess she wasn't. Just stubborn.

Someone help me. My grief is so intense and tangled with past losses. In the late 80's, I lost 2 children and had a late miscarriage. It happened during the fall over the course of 3 years. My first daughter Lauren, was born with Down Syndrome and a serious cardiac defect. The docs told me the most she would live would be 7 years. She lived 6 months, dying on Oct. 6th, 2 days after cardiac surgery. One year later, I had a 14 week miscarriage - another little girl I named Olivia - on Sept 30th. Exactly one year later, I had a little girl, Maura, who died one day before her due date from a cord accident. On that Sept.30th, I had to undergo labor and delivery, to give birth to her...deceased. We buried Maura 2 years to the date of Lauren's death. 3 years later, in October, my husband and I divorced. I am now remarried to a wonderful man who admits that he does not know what to do each fall. The only person who remembered each anniversary date was my mom who died 6 months ago. This is my first fall without her support. I feel like I am going crazy. All I can do is cry. I pray for help but feel like God has abandoned me. When I was 17 I lost one of my best friends in a drunk driving accident, again in Oct. I am shocked at how much I miss her. I found a really good therapist whom I have seen 3 times now. She promises that I will feel better, but it will take some time. I have cried every day since mom died - she was my last remaining parent. I don't think that I can take the intensity of this pain any longer. I want to live but don't see hope any longer. Just grief and loss. Thank you for listening.

Thanks James and Kay. Just knowing someone understands these crazy feelings helps.

Will this pain ever lessen? I am frightened that it won't. Really frightened. I am looking for an answer but can't find a definitive one. I am a grown woman yet I feel like a little girl uncertain how to navigate this scary world. Mom, you taught me alot but never how to live without you in my life.

Beautiful. Made me cry.