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CL

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  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Waterloo, Ontario

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Spouse
  • Date of Death
    Oct. 22, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  1. Indeed, Deniz, that is our hope - to find that peace.
  2. KayC, I don't play the violin at all, but for me the violin is an instrument which can express a tremendous range of emotional tone, so I think that is at least one of the reasons why it is in the dream.
  3. Thanks Brad and Katpilot. Brad, if you're interested in remembering your dreams, here's a couple things you might try. I've been working with dreams for nearly 40 years and I know their deep value, so it's nice to catch them when we can. So first of all, setting your intention before sleep can help - simply asking for a dream and also asking for help to remember what comes. Then whatever does come, that you can remember, just accept that for now and write it down. Whatever is remembered is where to begin: one image, an emotional tone, a colour, a person, a place, whatever - because what very often happens is that by writing down what IS remembered, much more of the dream returns to memory. Sort or like catching a mouse maybe - if you can just get ahold of the tail quickly enough, often we can pull the whole mouse back! Another idea is to keep a small tape recorder by your bed and when you awake with some dream material, just click on the recorder and talk into it. What I do personally is keep a pad and pen by my bed and when I awake with the dream I just write it down right then - never turning the light on or getting up. You can bet it looks like a dog's breakfast the next morning - but at least it's there in black and white and I can then rewrite it if I choose. Just a couple ideas.
  4. Hi Everyone, I know I don't write very often but I do read your posts very frequently. Recently I had a dream which I am working with in my own journey through grief over the loss of my husband of 37 years. In the dream I see a woman (me, obviously) trying to play a certain tune on the violin. She's an accomplished violinist and is usually able to listen to a song a few times and then play it through. But with this particular song she is able to play only about half or 2/3 of it, and then suddenly the song just goes haywire, and the violinist has no clue how to finish the song. But she truly believes that by listening over and over and over again she'll be able to get it - after all, she's always been able to do this in the past. But try as she might she just can't quite figure out how to play the final portion of the song. Then an older woman appears, wise, gentle, kind - and tells the violinist that she must "LISTEN VERY SLOWLY" in order to hear where exactly the tonal quality of a particular note changes, because that is where the tonal quality of the whole rest of the song changes. Exactly at a certain note, a change of emotional quality sets in, the note undergoes a profound change, and this governs the whole rest of the song. The song begins with a sense of joyfulness, but at this particular point the tone changes to one of quiet melancholy and deep mystery. Interestingly enough, both parts of the song are very beautiful, but not the same. So this is what we're all talking about, isn't it? The song of our lives will never be the same, and we're trying to learn how to play (out) the rest of the song/life. The last few weeks I've been at the "haywire" end of the song, feeling terribly discordant, strung out, crying all the time, realizing more and more that I really do have to spend the rest of my life without my beloved. But the dream brings me some new information and hope. And this amazing instruction: to LISTEN very slowly, to how and where the change occurs, and when I have learned to navigate that pivotal note, then I'll (or the dream violinist - which I'm not!) will be able to learn to play the rest of the song - and the parts will all fit together and still sound beautifully tuneful, though certainly different. So here's to the wise old woman, and may we all be able to "LISTEN VERY SLOWLY".
  5. Dear Gwen, OK, I do sincerely wish you the best. Lord knows you don't need any more agonies!
  6. Dear Janka, How interesting that you have met this new friend, and hopefully over time it will prove to be a treasure. It feels so good to sense this kind of resonance with someone. I am currently going to a grief support group and, though it is triggering sometimes of a lot of pain, sharing my story and hearing that of others who have lost their spouse, it is also very affirming for me. It only lasts for a few weeks, but it is good to be together in this way. Take good care.
  7. Hello Gwen, How frightening that TIA must have been, and now to be haunted by the fears it left in its wake. I agree, it is sometimes almost unbearable to feel so alone. I fell last August and wrenched my rotator cuff and have been dealing with that ever since, and one of the effects is obviously fear of that or something else happening again. Gwen, I'm wondering if you could see someone for help with the anxiety? There are various possibilities, and one which has helped me with some other very fearful things in my life is a type of therapy called EMDR. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Retraining - but that is somewhat of a misnomer in terms of how it has come to be practiced. Anyway, it is essentially about helping to deal with the energetic/neural pathways of fear that have been set up - which now when triggered can lead to such high anxiety and panic. And something I do for myself when I start to get too freaked out is I sit down and calmly and slowly speak to myself, very concrete positive things, like, "I'm actually okay now, I'm right here in my living room, the sun is shining, the house is warm, let me see what I can do to help myself - very gentle and slow. Maybe have some carbs, they usually calm the mind a little, have a bubble bath, turn the fireplace on, have some cocoa, literally anything,no matter how small, to help calm myself in the moment. And if you have a friend you can call, then do that - and just literally tell her/him that you feel so freaked out at the moment and need to talk to someone. From the view of neuro science, anxiety is a whole lot of thoughts all being triggered at once - way more than can be processed at once, so slowing down and doing something very slowly, speaking lovingly and slowly, not trying to solve the BIG issue that has triggered the crush of thoughts, can often help. Well, those are some of the things that help me when I'm all alone and feel the anxiety building too much. I send you sincere caring.
  8. Hello Brat#2. This is a wonderful caring group who all know the score concerning the terrible shock, grief, confusion, etc. that the loss of a spouse brings. My situation is a bit similar to yours in that I lost my husband after 37 years of marriage. I also live far from what is left of my family, and my husband's children have given very little support. And honestly, my family and friends mostly act like nothing has happened - and this, of course, makes the reality of our loss much worse. In my case it was a long journey through Alzheimer's disease, but the final result is the same - we are without our beloved soulmate. I do hope you can find some in-person companionship also, because being in a live support group has also been beneficial for me. You are definitely NOT going crazy, but we FEEL crazed by the profound meaning of our loss and all that it ushers into our lives - so far reaching. My heart reaches out to you.
  9. Hi Janka, Yes, loneliness is a terrible feeling - and you did the right thing by reaching out. I am reaching back toward you and sending you love. Sometimes when I am terribly lonely I just have to do something to try to comfort myself. One of my favourites is taking a hot bubble bath - because at least then I feel a little more "held" or contained. Perhaps there is something that can comfort you - even if it is just a little bit - it helps. CL
  10. Hello to all of you who have responded to my post about feeling invisible - each and every one of you have spoken deeply to my own heart. I've been thinking about what to do with all this anger, and what I've decided is that I absolutely am NOT going to be invisible to myself! I'm going to use this anger, which I know is energy, to fuel my need to take care of myself, realizing that I really do need care now and give that to myself as best I can, open myself up more to new friends coming into my life and heart, and also to really strongly acknowledge myself, feel proud of myself, for what I have actually accomplished by caring so well for my husband over the many years of his journey through Alzheimer's. And I have begun a mantra which I try to remember to say many times every day, even looking into my own eyes in the mirror, "I am going to be your BEST friend!" It feels really good to marshall this anger energy in this way, and now I must strive to remember my own decision!
  11. Hello Everyone, This is my first time posting in this forum, though I've been reading it for quite a while - many thanks to all of you for your heartfelt sharing which has helped me know that my own feelings are normal. What's got me writing now is that I have become more and more aware of how enraged I feel at nearly all my so-called friends who over the past many years have acted basically like nothing has happened, when in fact my beloved husband died 16 months ago after a long journey through Dementia. It's like I'm invisible, or my pain is invisible - though I have openly spoken of it many times. Or maybe it's like they suddenly learned that I have a deadly communicable disease so they run the other way. Only one friend has drawn closer to me, and that has been a real lifesaver for me. Same story with my family. I mean, I literally tell people that I feel like my life has collapsed because the central pillar is gone. Does anyone hear that? Does anyone care at all? I'm just so enraged right now I don't know what to do with all these feelings. Sometimes I want to scream at all of them, sometimes I want to suddenly just move away and tell none where I went, or whatever. OK, so maybe they haven't experienced this kind of loss so they just don't know - but it sure seems to me that they don't want to know either. The information is everywhere if they cared to find out what it's like for us living with these profound losses. Thanks for hearing me. I'm just so fed up.
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