iheartm

I've asked Marty to delete my account so not to worry, I won't be "attacking" anyone anymore once she is back online. Thanks for refusing to even try to see any validity in anything I had to say and instead just jumped all over me accusing me of attacking. Feels great to have no family, no friends that are widows and no support groups to join.

Sorry. I did not realize that expressing howI feel about something in my aggrieved condition would be considered "attacking" someone and being disrespectful and every other invective that's been thrown my way. I'll take Kay's advice and just "get out" to avoid upsetting everyone. Thanks for the support.

See Marty's post on the previous page. Even she says there are other forums for people further down the line to discuss moving on. I'm sorry if you cannot understand that-- at least to me-- your attempts to be helpful are misguided because you are trying to help people who are brand new to this hell and are not receptive to help right now because of the overwhelming sadness, fear and loneliness that they feel. This was the only place I felt supported when I first got here. People posted how they were feeling and what they were going through rather than offering strategies that are impossible to process at this time. In any event, your tenure here is longer than mine and I've probably exhausted any chance of being supported here since you feel so insulted by my posts so I will bid you adieu, go gently into the night, and grieve in whatever way I have to in order to survive.

The first line in the above post is my life as I'm sure it's the life of many here. I just don't think this particular forum-- which is heavily populated by those with very recent losses-- is the venue for giving back or trying to convey anything to people who just got here and are shellshocked beyond belief. We don't need to hear about hope and the future right now. We need to have support for what we are feeling right now in the moment. I know that I cannot muster the strength to think about anything other than the next hour because this is all so new. That's all I was trying to say. As Marty said, there are two other forums here for people further up the line to discuss how they are coping and realizing that life does go on so there is a place for those discussions. It would seem to me that that venue would be more appropriate for sharing strategies for moving on and discussing hope.

I was not trying to be unkind. I was using a grief support board to convey how I was feeling when reading some posts from people who are further along and are not still in the raw emotional state that I am in. I had a friend who recently suggested that I meet a friend of hers for coffee. This lady had lost her spouse suddenly two years ago and my friend thought it would be good to chat with someone who has been there. So I met the lady for coffee and while she was nice and I appreciated her taking the time to offer to chat, I could not help but feel even worse that I have been feeling because she kept talking to me as if she is an authority on what one must do when their spouse dies because she's been on this road and is further along than I am. "You can't wallow in it, you can't continue to live in a pit of grief, you have to live on..." those types of things. Now obviously, I know all of those things need to happen. The issue is that I do not need to hear that right now. Maybe later, but offering them now just did not feel very supportive. I don't know if what I am saying makes sense. But there it is. And yes, I don't have many interests these days and for right now, for me, that has to be okay.

Some of us are a short time out from a shell shocking tragic loss and comments like the above-- to me-- feel like they undermine my feelings of total grief and sorrow as if I am just bemoaning the situation and doing nothing to move forward. One size does not fit all. I come here to read how people are doing and coping with their own loss, not to be instructed how I'm supposed to act and feel. I got enough of that from real life people who have no clue what it's like.

Option 2 is not something I think anyone here needs encouragement not to do. It's easier said than done though depending on at what point one is in their journey. We would not be here if giving up was something we wanted to do.

I don’t fit in anywhere anymore. It used to be that I fit in at home and we had our routines. Now I have no routine. No one is waiting for me anymore. Friends’ routines have not changed so despite saying we can hang out and whatever, that’s not happening really because their life did not change and they have their own routines and stuff that they do. I’m sure they meant it when they said it, but the thing is, their life did not change so an upheaval in their social schedule to insert another person is not something easily accomplished when one has their own stuff to do. There is also that feeling that when someone calls you and says, “I have an hour free this morning if you want to get coffee,” that your first reaction is to recoil because it feels as though the person offering is doing it out of pity. It kind of feels like you are being slotted in somewhere, time limited, and I don’t know exactly why but that is distasteful to me. I know it is not meant that way but the person offering does not have the mindset that I do right now. I will never have the connection that I did with M again. Friends won’t be expecting me home at a particular time, they won’t call to check if I’m out longer than I was, they won’t greet me at the door. A cup of coffee will be just a cup of coffee. Seems my life is headed towards becoming a series of a la carte events and that’s just not going to fly for me.

WolfsKat: If you are a widow, you can collect a portion of your deceased spouse's Social Security payments when you turn 60, I think it's about 70 percent. You will get more if you wait to collect until later on so you have to consider the timing. Usually, you have to wait until you are 62 but the widow thing changes that. You will need to provide your marriage license and other identification and cannot apply online for those benefits. That is why the person told you to visit an office. It probably takes a few months to kick in so they ask you to begin the process a few months before you turn 60. Gwenivere (she posts here) applied a few months before her 60th. If she sees this thread, she will probably reply. I do not know anything about SS Disability so how that enters the equation I'm not sure. It is important though that you go and speak to them because they will be able to tell you immediately what you are entitled to and when you can begin collecting it.

It was four months ago today that we had to call 911. That means four months ago today I spoke my last words to him without knowing they would be the last. It has been a very rough day for me. Since yesterday I have been inconsolable. I am hesitant to reach out to friends anymore because even though they are very understanding, I think this was more an event for them to be sad and grieve and move on while for me it has been a life altering, never be the same again kind of thing. I cannot blame them for not having the intense grief that I have so I grieve alone and feel the weight crushing me to the core.

Just updating that I received a letter in the mail that said, "You will soon receive [a payment]" because M was owed money. Whatever that means. In any case, as least I have a letter to back it up. Who cares anyway. I don't care about the money. I don't care about anything. He's not here. I just don't care about anything anymore.

I am finding that I don't believe in anything anymore.

Bill and Patty. I am sorry that you have to be here and we have to meet this way. I lost my husband in December very suddenly after a short hospital stay. It was one minute he was here, then he was gone. I had no warning and my last words to him were "I'll be right back." The road you have just stepped on will be very difficult. The people here are great. The best thing is that every single thing that you post here will be something that someone here has either gone through or is going through now. It makes you feel less alone to know that when you are losing it, you can open up a browser and come here. I know that does you no good now, but if you are like me, you will find yourself feeling a small bit of comfort to know that at any hour of the day, this board is here waiting to support you, let you vent, scream, cry, whatever.

Thanks for posting such positive, upbeat messages, Janka. I sure can use them right about now...

I have close friends but they have their own lives and families. The idea of burdening them with my troubles is not appealing. Granted, if I needed help with something at home or whatever, of course I would ask them, but this is life we're talking about here. Friends should not have to shoulder the burden of watching out for me to the degree that M would have. So I worry because with no family I am all alone. Flying solo through the madness with nothing to take his place. I don't feel like doing anything. I have no one to talk about stuff with: the news, the crazy weather we are having, how things are going at work, some funny thing I saw today. Nothing. It is all gone. Again, I can talk to friends but it's not the same. It just isn't. This board is my only outlet. People here understand and don't offer suggestions to not think about it, or try to move on, or find a hobby, or tell me they know what I'm going through when they have not a clue.

I am sitting at home right now once again thinking, "So this is it? I get to sit here and live on, doing what exactly?" I have no interest in picking up new habits and our old habits were being homebodies. Now there's no one to talk to, hang out with or anything. So I continue my old life but with a huge hole in it. What's the alternative? Becoming another person? I can't do that. I decided that this weekend would be the time that I went through some of his things and throw out some things that obviously could be thrown out. I got as far as sifting through them, then I put everything back and abandoned that plan. Then I began once again wondering what the hell am I going to do?

The weird thing is that he was not on disability. He was just collecting his regular Social Security payments. I will keep you posted.

Just to clarify: When M passed away, I called SSA and notified them of his passing. They stopped his benefits immediately. We are now 4 months later and this random deposit was into my own personal checking account, not the joint account that he used to get his deposits put into and for the exact amount he was getting. That joint account is still active. I am going to wait a week and see if I get a letter. If I do not, I will get in touch with them in some way. It's very strange.

I read online somewhere that a letter typically accompanies a deposit like this and the letter usually lags behind the deposit. I am going to wait a couple of weeks and see what happens. Any idea how the rules are being changed?

Odd situation here. M was collecting SS which was deposited into our joint checking account towards the end of every month. He died in the early part of the month so SS did not deposit for that month. I totally get that. In January I went through the forms and phone calls to get the whopping $255. death benefit. That check arrived a month ago and that was the end of it. Or so I thought. Today, my personal checking account (not joint) that I've had for years shows a deposit from the SSA for the exact amount that M was collecting. What I do not understand is that I never gave SS my routing and checking account information ever plus I don't think I am eligible to collect his benefits because I am too young and not disabled. Googling suggests these are survivor's benefits but I can't find any information about that anywhere. From what I have seen, if you become a widow, you can collect your deceased spouse's benefits starting at age 50 if you are disabled, or at 60 if you are not disabled but they will be about 70% of what the spouse was getting because you are taking them early. The deposit from today is for the full amount that he was receiving. I will call them next week as I'm not up to it right now. Having a really hard time these days. Just wanted to ask if anyone else had something like this happen 4 months after death and deposited into an account you never registered with SS.

I only write here. I did sent one lengthy email to friends about a month ago detailing some of my pain because I knew they were worried about me so I let it all flow. It's not something I would want to do on a regular basis especially to those who are not in this boat. Writing stuff here feels easy because no matter what it is, someone will come along and say, "Oh, me too." Comments like that are sanity savers because since none of us have experienced this before, we think we are the only one feeling whatever it is that's going on at the moment. Then we read here and see that we are not alone and boy does that help a lot.

Yep, I hear you Gwenivere. Sometimes it just cuts the legs out from under you and you think, "What?" Sometimes I am sitting here watching television and become overwhelmed with thoughts of, "Get used to this. This is your life now. He is never coming back." Then I begin to cry. It's so, so hard.

For the past few days, I've been really sad. Crying in the car, at work, in the supermarket, everywhere. I have begun to have this feeling that I am just killing time here on earth until I see M again and that seems to provide comfort for a brief period of time. I have no desire to do much of anything except sit home and think about him. I am functional and doing my regular activities and stuff, but nothing that I like to do hobby wise is appealing to me at all. Nothing is enjoyable anymore since he is not here. Another thing that I have noticed is that thinking that he is watching over gives me great comfort as well but shortly after I feel that very, very comforting feeling, some switch goes off in my head saying that that doesn't happen and that he's gone and never coming back so stop trying to create a situation that does not exist.

I have not read anything that attacked anyone's faith and I read nearly all posts here. I have seen people that are so tied up in their grief (rightfully so) that they begin to doubt their faith or wonder if they should believe. They wonder why they have not received a sign from their loved one and the lack of that causes a lot of sadness and questioning. If that is how they are feeling, that should be respected. We all grieve in different ways and have no idea how it will show itself until we are in the situation. We also are in no position to take the experiences of others and adopt them as our own.

I got home from work today and it was nice outside so for the first time this year, I went out on the terrace and essentially "opened" it for the spring by moving the furniture into place and so forth. We have two reclining chairs: one on each side, one was his and one was mine. I sat in his chair and became overwhelmed with sadness. We sat out here every day from spring through the fall chatting, reading on our Kindles, listening to music, napping. We just loved it. Now I am out here alone feeling how wonderful it is to sit outside but at the same time so terribly sad that we will never sit out here together again.