iheartm

I have found that Sunday night is the worst for me. I feel most at peace when I am at home. Maybe because his ashes are here. Sunday nights I wake in the middle of the night thinking that the last place I want to be is at work. I just don't want to go. But then I get there and have a cup of coffee and the feeling fades. I guess spending the weekend at home with him is hard to break.

I am crying reading this post. My husband has asthma that was controlled for a long time. Every time the winter came on, he had to adjust to the new cooler weather. We were sure his shortness of breath was that. He went to the ER, they took a chest xray and blood, told him he was fine, gave him a prescription and sent him home. A few days later when he wasn't feeling much better, I went out and bought a humidifier, Gatorade and soup. A few days after that I had to call 911 and an xray in the new ER showed pneumonia all over both lungs. Why did the other place tell him he was okay? Why the HELL did I buy a damn humidifier and Gatorade? Why didn't I realize this was more serious than we thought and go to another ER sooner? I never got to say goodbye. I am broken. I wish all the broken people here peace. I don't know where the road goes from here since I just got on it but at least we have each other to talk to and everyone here understands in a real way what we are going through because they are too. I have such a great group of supportive friends but I cannot articulate what this feels like. Here, I don't need to because everyone gives a virtual nod to every message here because we just know. Hang in there.

I'm sorry Janka. I wish I could litter this forum with magic sprinkles that would take everyone's sorrow away because sorrow is just so excruciating.

What a week this was... I had so many moments of terrible sadness and tears that I had to lock my office door a bunch of times. Again, the supermarket is very difficult. Walgreens. I was going to pick up Chinese food the other day on the way home and remembered that every time in the past that I went in there, I ordered for both of us and just could not do it. I have moments when I can smile, look at his picture and stroke his face and say hello to him but other times that is just unbearable. It's hard to believe it's now just myself and the cat. I keep thinking, "Wait, what?" I've been talking to him some. Thanks to the people here, I don't feel weird about it and it's really comforting. Thankfully tomorrow is Friday. We are expecting very cold weather so I'll be hunkered down over the weekend with the cat and trying to keep it together but if I don't, so be it. I wish everyone a good day tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I had several breakdowns at work today and am so grateful to have such a nice group of people there who are very supportive of me. I stopped in the supermarket on my way home from work and once again, I welled up as soon as I got onto the checkout line. The incredible sadness that washes over me with no notice is just exhausting. My crying is such coming from such a deep level that it takes up every ounce of my being. I'm just so incredibly devastated. A couple of colleagues of mine lost their spouses suddenly in past years and spoke to me about the pain that will be everlasting but more dull as time goes on. They assured me that they knew I would not believe them when they said it gets easier and that they did not believe it either when they were experiencing their losses. I am just going with whatever comes as far as feelings go but it's just so terribly awful because it is like my right arm has been cut off. This is a nice place. It is comforting to be around people who know exactly what you are dealing with.

Thank you for your kind words. I was happy to find this forum but was unable to find the words to convey that I'm glad I am not alone but I would not wish this on anyone else so it sounded weird. I had him cremated and his ashes sit on a corner table with mementos and a large framed photograph of him looking right at the camera so no matter what angle, he is looking right at you It's such a beautiful picture of him. I take such comfort in the fact that he is here with me but am just so terribly sad. I well up in tears constantly no matter where I am and whether or not a trigger goes off. It's difficult at work or in the market when this happens. I have a good support system of friends who are there for me but I feel so alone. We were together for about 25 years and I cannot imagine life without him. I don't have a close family so it was just the two of us for so very long. One thing this is taught me: there is no such thing as crazy. A few short months ago, if I heard that someone was talking to a picture, I would think they might be a little bit kooky but boy oh boy nothing could be further from the truth. You never truly understand something until you are there yourself and I was so wrong to think that way. I am so comforted in saying "Hey there, dude," when I get home from work, or make a comment about the cat or whatever else. It gives me a sort of peace for a minute or two. And then I cry. I know time will ease the pain but the loss is just so huge and was so sudden that I am mired in such sadness right now.

I wrote the following to a few friends this past weekend.... I am so crushed and heartbroken. My husband died 6 weeks ago after a sudden illness and short hospitalization. To say that I am shattered beyond all measure is such an understatement. You try to talk yourself out of grief by thinking things like, “Well, at least you didn’t have kids. Imagine having to explain this to small children.” “at least he wasn’t a crime victim.” “At least he wasn’t in his 30s.” Of course, none of these things work, but you try them anyway because you have to try something. You feel like if you just cry enough, if you stare at a picture of them long enough that some trap door will open and the person will reappear to comfort you or even better, come back. You think to yourself, “Okay, I get it. The joke is over, you can come out now.” You just know that there is no way they would ever leave you and leave you all alone and you keep thinking, “Wow, you would never do this to me. What happened? How am I supposed to live without you?” You drive home every day feeling so lonely and sad that no one will say, “Hey Babe, how was your day?” when you walk in. If you got a divorce, the person would have packed up their things and left. In this case, the separation was not voluntary, and you have reminders all around you: the toothbrush in the holder, the bottle of cologne that emits a burst of scent every time you open the medicine cabinet, the socks that were left on the arm of the love seat, the closet full of clothing. The note on the refrigerator that says, “Be Right Back” with a heart drawn on that he made years ago to leave on the table when he went out for a bit. There’s the M-heart-A that he drew on the dry erase board on the fridge. The Hershey bar that I found in the bag he carried when he went into the city. His favorite juice in the fridge and bag of kettle chips that I do not drink or eat but cannot get myself to get rid of them. It’s the times that you see something and think, “I can’t wait to tell him….” but then you are reminded that you can’t tell him anything anymore. Well, you can tell him, but it’s not the same. You realize all of the things that you enjoyed doing before weren’t just because you enjoyed doing those “things” but rather because you were doing them together. Text messages and emails add more grief in the short term. “Leaving in 5, you see you in a bit,” I wrote a few days before he got sick. “Yay! We’ll be here,” he replied… Logging into Seamless to order a meal shows your prior orders and you remember last June when he had the meatloaf with mashed and corn and said how good it was “but they give you too much.” The sporting events that you now watch solo but can’t stop yourself from saying out loud, “Wow, did you see that?” Oh wait, you didn’t see it because you’re not here anymore. Sometimes, you can function. A little. You think that you have to accept what is and you plod through your day thinking maybe you are really getting it this time. But then, out of nowhere, at all times of the day and night, you become flooded with tears and think, “I just want him back.” Going out to run errands and realizing that there is no one home waiting for you or anyone to call and say “Hey, do we need soap?” or “Do you want me to pick up a pizza?” That connection that you have— and don’t realize— to someone waiting for you at home is not noticeable or thought about until it’s gone forever. Sharing the news with his circle of people: his haircutter, the local coffee shop that he had breakfast in everyday, the local bank… you get the idea. So many in the neighborhood knew him as such a nice guy and seeing their reactions is heartbreaking. Going through his things produced more heartbreak: a note he wrote to himself to remember to pick up cat food paper towels and juice. His handwriting staring up at me as the tears flow. The Christmas presents I found in the closet wrapped in tissue paper, one of them tagged “To Mommy, Love Kacie.” I constantly look at his picture and say, “I hope you can hear me.” It’s just impossible for me to believe that he’d go away and leave me here. There’s no chance he would do that so why?