ChinUp54

Reading your letter made me tear up, so I re-read the letter I sent to my BF back in February. Yours is much better! But I believe sending these letters does something for us, even if we don't receive a response. I too left the door open should he decide to contact me, although at this point I have no idea what my reaction would be upon receiving that call. One of the people I've been seeing to help me through this asked whether I'm growing from this, and the answer is a definite yes, and clearly all of us are. I have realized my mistakes and will do better in the future. I also know that I won't be able to go back to the type of relationship we had before - it will have to be better. We can't beat ourselves up for feeling the way we are feeling, which is my tendency. It's been almost 2 months since I last spoke with him, after talking daily for almost 3 years. As I've said in other posts, I've learned more about grief over the last couple months than I've ever wanted to know, but that knowledge is helping me be gentle with myself. Slowly but surely we all will get through this. Take care of yourself Roger. I believe your letter was a perfect beginning of doing exactly that.

This is one of the silly ones -

Here it is MartyT!

Thank you Cathyc, kayc and Roger_Ramjet for your comments. I appreciate every word. One of the biggest lessons from this past weekend is to fill my heart with joy. We've got the sad, hurt and broken heart down pat, but adding joy heals the hurt over time. One evening this week I decided it would be fun to take "selfies" with my horse. I wanted a new profile picture for FB anyway so why not?!! I was laughing so hard when my horse kept trying to "help" by moving around in the photo. I ended up just taking random photos with me laughing and her with her head on one shoulder, then the other, nose close-up or her head behind mine. I posted the best of the series and received many compliments. kayc with the friends not acquaintances feature it appears he can still see my profile picture, which is now a photo of me with a huge smile and my horse's head on my shoulder. It turned out beautifully. I hope he sees it not only to make him smile too, but to let him see that I'm fine without him. So my advice is fill your heart with joy. Saturday I could barely describe what gave me joy but today the list keeps growing.

I'm so sorry you lost your mother so young. My ex-BF lost his mother just over a year ago and stopped contact with me just recently. We are in our 50s and both have experienced losses. My father passed away nearly 5 years ago and I'm fortunate to have had him as long as I did. Reading through the posts here I realize how I may have said some things to my BF about my own mother that left him feeling the same as you, and I had no clue at the time. I was simply venting and not considering the affect my words may have had on him. My mother and I have always had a turbulent relationship. While for the most part her heart is in the right place, she often says very hurtful things without realizing it. I always say she has no filter, but it appears I may be guilty of that myself. But, she is still here with us to drive me crazy and then out of the blue say something so complimentary and out of character for her that she blows me away. I know the day will come when she too passes on and I will miss her. Thank you for your insight as to how my own words may have affected others. I plan to do better going forward. I wish I could take some of your pain away. Hugs to you all.

I'm feeling much better this week after a difficult weekend in which I shed many more tears than I even believed I still had in me. The good news is I am growing so much from this and feel I'm over a hurdle. I told his sister that I'm stepping away for awhile so I don't expect she'll contact me. I heard from a friend of his that he had been speaking with him and he sounded fine, as far as he could tell, just working a lot and wanting winter to be over. I responded that I suspected that's what he'd say. Do guys ever talk about feelings? LOL - of course not. I'm sure there will be times the tears flow again, but hopefully that soon becomes a rarity. The horses are saving me by giving me plenty to focus on and bring some joy back into my heart. That's the focus going forward, joy into my heart.

This week I've spent the bulk of my time on this site reading what everyone else has written. I still can't believe this is happening and find myself crying more than I'd like to. And I'm angry that he won't talk to me and hasn't called. We were best friends for over 3 years as well as lovers. It had to be that way because of the distance. How does love like that vanish what seems to be so quickly?!! Today I'm not feeling articulate and don't particularly care how I sound for I need to vent. This is awful and so unfair!! People that know us both keep saying they believe he'll come around and call eventually, and then ask what I will do when that happens. What will I do? Who knows. I have been taking care of myself by spending time with my horse every day. It's Friday night and I will be heading out to the ranch to feed the animals and spend some time with our rescue boy. He's doing really, really well. That's the only thing keeping me sane right now and I am so grateful. Another busy weekend will do the trick, I hope. Good grief.

When someone is a huge part of your life for a number of years and you get used to sharing highlights from your day with them, not being able to share anymore is proving to be most difficult for me. I have not contacted him and have promised myself that I will not for at least another month, taking it day by day. My promise to myself is I will re-evaluate at 60 days and see where I'm at and then set another time line for myself. I had a full weekend of horses, a runaway dog (he came back), and a black tie gala, so I made sure I didn't have much time to sit around and be miserable. But throughout the weekend I found myself wanting to share the highlights with him and couldn't. That was hard. Also I noticed a painting on the wall that my daughter hung a few months ago that was his from a paint and sip event we attended when we first started seeing each other. I also keep finding the Harley jacket he gave my in my coat closet. I need to put all of these items somewhere that I don't see them. So many reminders of the great times we had aren't helping. I have this huge piece of my life missing and it makes me angry and upset. I watched an interview with Marianne Williamson over the weekend and she talked about loving the people who have hurt you. She explained that only with love can we be open to receive what is truly meant to be ours and that it's all predetermined. If we are closed from not forgiving/loving those who have harmed us, it only keeps us from receiving - it does nothing to the person that hurt us. So I envisioned it like an umbrella - let's see if I can describe this - being open to what the universe wants to give us means holding your umbrella by the handle upside down so you can collect the falling rain rather than holding it properly over your head to divert the rain away. I still love this man with all my heart and don't see that changing any time soon. I understand what has happened from the wealth of information on this site that all of you have so freely shared with us, and in that understanding can forgive and continuing loving. I see myself with a huge upside down umbrella getting soaking wet. My journaling is also helping tremendously. One day at a time.

Thank you - I agree with you! I'm so glad the horses have you and the neighbors to love on them. They are truly special creatures!

Kayc do they look healthy to you? No one cleans up the muck? If it's a neglectful situation please let local authorities know. I've called the Sheriff in cases where I've seen neglect. The horses have no voice, so I do my part to make sure they're heard. Love the horses. The photo attached is my mare. I try to see her every day. She keeps me grounded and in the present moment. I'm so grateful to have this outlet.

His fur is very soft actually, and he particularly enjoys having his face scratched.

Yesterday was a really difficult day for no apparent reason in particular. I was sleep deprived, which I know is not good, and then I had a doctor appointment - just a routine checkup. My doctor asked me how I was doing and I completely lost my composure and admitted I'm feeling terrible. That opened the flood gates for the rest of the day, and even now as I type this. Today is one month since he stopped calling. Dr. is helping me with my weight loss goals and it's beginning with no alcohol from now to my next appointment, which is April, and to work on sleeping better and getting more exercise, plus writing down everything I put in my mouth and what heart pumping exercise I do throughout the day. I don't like to keep logs like this, but am forcing myself. Tonight I will go out and feed horses which always makes me happy and gets me some exercise. Sometimes this is just so very hard. I wish the pain would pass quickly. I'm tired of crying. The photo is the horse we rescued on 2/15. He's so sweet and is such a good boy. It looks like he will have a forever home with my friend, Kim. So happy we were able to save him. That makes me smile.

Interesting idea. Thank you!

Last night his sister called me and I filled her in on what was happening. She had no idea he'd stopped calling and said that when she asked when he was going to see me he always answered "he was too busy at work." I asked her about her own grieving process and she told me she started attending a local church and that was very helpful to her. She has invited him to join her and he refuses. Neither one of us are religious, so I understand his declining her invitations. She also confirmed that he doesn't say much about their mom and he hasn't been coming around as often as he used to. He's so stoic and I hope at some point he'll open up to her. I mentioned that I was considering blocking him on FB for my own sanity and she said do it if you must, but she also asked me to hang in a little longer because she believes he'll come around. I had a good cry and felt foolish for having her hear me like that, but she understands and plans to keep in touch. I told her that I've got plenty to do here and will keep myself busy and won't be reaching out to him. It was comforting to have her support, but I also know that I have to take care of myself first. So, I scheduled a massage for tomorrow and boy can I use that!! I've also got a full weekend so there won't be time to sit around and feel sorry for myself. She was also concerned that I too may be depressed and suggested I get something from my doctor. I don't like drugs, especially anti-depressants, but I will fill my doctor in next week when I have a regular checkup scheduled. I told her that spending time with the horses worked better for me than any drug could anyway.

Thank you Kayc. I had a healing reading tonight and the message was loud and clear to take care of me. Massage, acupuncture and let those who love me help where they can. It's so scary to be vulnerable and simply cry it all out but the flood gates are open. Visited my horse tonight and she makes my heart sing. That's how I want to feel always - my heart open and full of song.

This site has provided so much information and I am very grateful to have found it. My story has been written by many of you but I'll share anyway as I believe it may do me some good. I reconnected with someone from high school 35 years later and we started a long distance relationship over 3 years ago. In the beginning I was hesitant about long distance but he promised me he was retiring within a couple years and would make the move to my state. We seemed made for each other with common likes and interests and we could talk for hours, and we did. We both said we'd never felt like this about anyone before and everyone commented on how happy we both were together. Our families loved us both and his mother, in particular, was so happy we found each other. I was finally truly, madly, deeply in love with someone and believed we would grow old together. At least that was our plan. With a long distance relationship, we both did our best to stay in touch and talked on the phone easily twice a day, every day and visited each other every couple of months, taking turns traveling. He loved my state and was planning to retire and move here by the end of 2015. Christmas of 2014 he spent the holidays with his family and they really had a great time. Shortly after the holiday his 85-year old mother fell in the bathroom of her apartment, hit her head and had a stroke. We're not sure which happened first, stroke or fall. When he found out what had happened he called me at 5:30 a.m. to let me know he was on his way to the hospital to be with her, which was a drive to another state in a blizzard. Luckily they made it safely and he continued to stay in touch. They learned there was nothing more they could do for her and moved her to a nursing home for her final days. She passed away on 1/15/2015. There was a flurry of activity in making funeral arrangements. I had a flight to visit that same weekend but we decided that I should reschedule it. The weather was too bad for traveling and he didn't want me on the road alone, giving him something else to worry about so I stayed home. I next visited in February and spent the Valentine weekend with him. We always had a good time together, but this was so soon after his mother's passing I knew he wouldn't be himself, and he wasn't although he tried. We didn't laugh as much, and in the past we always laughed. The next visit was in May for her burial (cold country burials are put off until spring) and I attended that with him and his family. During this time we still talked daily and I knew he was grieving. He was also handling all of her affairs and was finished with that part of it in June. It was mid-June when I realized something was wrong. He stopped calling as often and previously we would always say "I love you" before hanging up. That stopped. He simply checked out and I could feel it. Our conversations became shorter. We had one of those relationships where he could read my thoughts, or read my moods over the phone and vice versa. It seemed as though he didn't tune into us anymore. He was absent and we talked about it - communication had never been an issue for us. He simply asked for me to be patient. He was scheduled to visit me in July. He was working so much and had been working crazy hours and weekends, not taking care of himself and caught a cold. I sensed he was more sick than he was willing to admit. It turns out he went to the doctor and had pneumonia and had to cancel his trip. I believe this is when it finally hit him that his mother was gone - when he was too sick to do anything except stay home and think. And for the first time he was angry with me when I wanted to talk about it. He said how he loved his job and that he was good at it and I agreed with him but reminded him he still needed to take care of himself. I also asked him where I fit into this and he said "I don't know." I didn't panic but said maybe we should talk more about that when he was feeling better. Inside I was devastated. At that moment I knew our plans for his retirement and moving were going to have to be put on hold. Not to make this any longer, I have not seen him since May 2015. We had a couple emotional conversations when I could see the writing on the wall that he was leaving me. He told me he needed space and that he cared about me, but that he didn't want a relationship at the moment. He needed to decide whether to retire, etc. and that was first and foremost in his mind. I suggested that maybe it wasn't the time to be making those big decisions. He also said he wanted to keep talking and so I let him call me, and he did, almost daily. Then the anniversary of her passing happened in January and on January 25, 2016 was the last time I spoke with him. He was in a hurry and I could tell he didn't want to talk so I got off the phone and he said "talk to you later." Throughout the months he kept saying he wanted to visit me, but kept saying no to my visiting him. He would suggest a time, but when it came time to purchase air fare he wouldn't commit. I texted him 1/25/2016 with a great air fare deal I had found and he did not respond. I waited until the weekend to try to reach him again and he didn't call me back all weekend. So I sent him a message Sunday night saying that I was surprised he didn't want to talk to me and to do what he needed to do. I also apologized if my pressure to visit had been too much. I have messaged him once since then and sent him a letter following some guidelines I'd seen on this site, and no response. This is getting too long so I'll end here by saying I am devastated to say the least. I've never had a relationship this good before and I don't know that I'll recover from this. I know you will say that it's not me - and he told me at one point not to take it personally, but I've found it very difficult not to. I'm doing my best to take it one day at a time, but today am having real trouble doing so. What I am looking for here is to hear a success story about someone who finished their grieving and got the relationship back on track. I am hopeful this is just him taking the time he needs and I'm okay with that. But I really don't want this to be over and am not ready to say forget it. I will not contact him. I'm getting better at that every day. Also, I am taking care of myself and doing what I love to do, which is rescue horses and I have my own horse to occupy my time. Encouraging words are welcomed. Thanks for listening.