ChinUp54

Thank you Kayc. I appreciate your thoughtful comments very much!

You'll soon have as many pets as we do! My guess is she found your sons. Nice job dad!

Another milestone passes - yesterday was 7 months since I last spoke with the BF. The photo of him that was sent to me by a couple different friends threw me for a loop moreso than I expected. Seeing him so thin and knowing there is nothing I can do to help or change anything was tough at first but I'm past it. No, I didn't contact him and am sticking to my original plan of re-evaluating in September. I reached out to a couple different people who I thought might have information as to his health. This left me feeling frustrated and frankly, angry. One person rebuked me and it was someone I hardly expected to do so. Her response was why are you backtracking after you've made so much progress. I was so angry I didn't respond, but went through all of my FB friends and changed statuses of most everyone that knows us both, limiting the information I receive and publish. I felt like I needed to protect myself. I surely didn't need or deserve that. As you all may know, after loving someone for 3 years and having the relationship change doesn't immediately turn off the love and concern you have for that person. The friend reached out to me again recently apologizing for her words, explained she was in a bad place and didn't think before responding. I accepted her apology but also acknowledged that it was hurtful and my love and concern for him is completely separate from my moving forward. I'm stronger than that. People believe they are helping by sending photos, or giving unsolicited advice or information. I understand they mean well. I've just continued to learn that my boundaries have to be as strong as ever and to take care of myself first. I was supposed to go to a music festival with a friend tomorrow. It was going to be a 4 hour road trip there (and back) plus crowds, and I started having second thoughts about going. A bit of drama started and I decided not to go, which caused a bit more drama but it worked out. Instead I am spending Saturday with my horse and Sunday at one of my favorite rescues riding with my friend who runs it. The anxiousness/angst I was feeling about going away immediately turned into happy heart feelings once I accepted the invitation to ride. Isn't it interesting how my body/intuition lets me know when I'm on the right track. I've mentioned before that this breakup has brought to light other times in my life that I hadn't dealt with the emotions and/or feelings that presented themselves at the time, but instead stuffed them and pretended to be strong. I believe I'm experiencing what others have in grieving more than just this breakup - and it's exactly what I needed to do. In the long run I know I'm coming out of this much stronger than I was when this relationship started 3-plus years ago, as difficult as that is. Message for today - I realize I still am much more fragile than I thought I was and the need to put myself first is as strong as ever. I'm having more good than bad days, and even some amazing days here and there. Slowly but surely I'm becoming my whole self again and it feels good. Thank God for the horses.

tbop42 - welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us as this forum has been a life saver for me. Our stories are similar even though your relationship was twice as long as mine and we lived further apart. My heart goes out to you as I know how difficult this is. My BF said the same exact words to me almost verbatim. What I've learned is that their hearts are broken from their loss and for whatever reason they can't grieve and maintain a relationship as well. Give him the space he needs and know that you're not being punished. It's not about you, as difficult as that is. I'm sure Marty T and Kayc will comment when they are able with wiser words than I have at the moment. Just know that we are here to listen and help you through this journey. Big hug. I'm so sorry this is happening to you too. Be good to yourself.

My pleasure JHCP. You've been through much more than I in your young life. I admire your strength and tenacity. Jack would be proud of you and I'm sure he is! I'm sure he's aware of all that you do. I was raised on country music through my dad, but like you I love all kinds of music. What instrument did you play in the orchestra? I played clarinet and then bassoon and now don't play at all. My daughter played the cello and I still have that at the house. She no longer plays either and I've been tempted more than once to take lessons myself. Maybe one day. This grief journey is an interesting one but I know allowing ourselves to feel what we feel is exactly what we're supposed to do to get through it. I know I'm already making positive changes as a result. Soon better days will be the norm rather than the tear-filled ones. Hugs.

I Don't Believe This~ It's good to see you back here and I'm so sorry you've had so much difficulty lately. How is your pup doing? I'm wishing her a speedy recovery. My heart goes out to her six year old. This situation is tough on all of you, but kids resilient as they are never forget this type of situation and it can affect the rest of his life. I don't understand the stubbornness about assistance, but my guess is the drugs are playing their part in that as well. I hope the treatment program you've spoken of will help her get all of this under control. Luckily kids are also forgiving and another guess is that they will get through this and be stronger for it. It's still so challenging and heartbreaking. How are you? Still taking are of yourself?

I'm so sorry for your loss and this difficult morning, but appreciate you sharing the song. I love that song. I learned it from the soundtrack of the movie "Buck" which is one of my all time favorites. For me though, music is therapeutic and is something I've always turned to to help me through difficult times. Lately I've been listening to quite a few songs that simply make me bawl as I'm trying to get through my BF leaving. Some days are easier than others. Something must have been in the air this morning. I too heard a song on the way to work that always makes me tear up. I've inserted the video. I thought I was with my forever person and this was a song about us. But his grief took him elsewhere. Wishing everyone healing and more better days than bad. I hope you don't mind my posting this video - this is the one I heard this morning.

Thank you so much for writing this Marg. We had an unexpected loss this week. My good friends' pup was killed Sunday evening in a tragic, unexpected way. She is jet black and bolted into the street after dark, was hit by a car and killed instantly. I saw one of my friends last evening and we both hugged and cried. She is so raw (as am I) and doesn't know how she will get through this. For me, finding the right words to say may have gotten easier particularly from being a part of this site. So your words today ring very true for me, especially right now. I've learned to listen because when we are grieving often what we need is simply to be heard and I gave her that space. Then I offered what I have learned over the last six months or so that it's okay to feel what you're feeling. Honor it, feel it and let it flow through you. From her expression and reaction it helped. It's all just so very sad. Thank you for posting this today. You have helped me tremendously.

We call it "sometimers."

Thanks Kayc. I'm going to think on it for awhile and decide. No need to rush anything.

It's been a challenging week and it's only Tuesday. A young pup at my barn was killed Sunday evening after jumping the gate and running into the busy street. She was struck by a car and killed instantly. She was 8 months old and such a sweet girl. I had just seen her hours before. Poor sweet girl. She was always so happy and stole carrots that I had brought for my horse. I started bringing an extra carrot just for her. Tonight a friend sent a photo to me of my BF from the weekend. He attended his niece's wedding. He is very thin. My guess is he's lost at least 20 pounds. I am concerned about his health. I am not sure what to do.

Hello Mary~ My heart goes out to you for having to go through this very difficult time. As you may have seen from the other posts, this situation is quite common. I too was left by the love of my life after his mother passed away. For whatever reason their hearts are so broken from their loss that they cannot manage to continue with their intimate relationships. I am just over 6 months out from my breakup and I still have tough days, but I've also begun having good and great days. The advice I received here and followed was to take this time to focus on you. As difficult as it is in the beginning, please take care of yourself. Eventually I blocked my BF on Facebook because it was too difficult to see his posts. He too left tagged photos of us and still is friends with my daughter on FB. But for my heart to heal, I had to step away, do the things that brought joy to my heart and it's working albeit slowly. I'm sure kayc and Marty T will respond to this with wiser words than mine. I simply wanted you to know that this site has an amazing collection of wise people who will support you through this. Please keep coming back.

This is very sad news and my heart aches for you. I wish this made sense but its baffling why they pull away from the intimate relationship. Hugging the dog is a great plan and will be good for you both. My pet companions have seen me through this. Wishing you the best.

Adventurous eaters!

I've always enjoyed seafood, particularly growing up on the Great Lakes, so I should add the seafood you named to my food choices. My daughter has always been an adventurous eater. She began eating sushi as a grade-schooler and people would comment as their kids were so particular. Growing up on the UP of Michigan I've eaten many things that most people haven't. I was fooled one time by my parents and grandparents into trying pickled cow tongue. I don't remember what the proper name for it was, but I never trusted them again to try something without knowing what it was first. They thought it was funny. I thought it was disgusting and spit it out. Oh the things we remember from childhood! How about Rocky Mountain oysters?

If I had to kill something in order to eat it I too would be vegetarian. Kayc I didn't realize horse meat was sold in the U.S. One rescue group I'm involved with saves horses from being sent to slaughter in Mexico. The meat is shipped to Asia and Europe. Horses aren't raised as food, so the meat is often toxic due to the drugs horses are given in their lifetimes. I grew up in the upper peninsula of Michigan where hunting is a staple for most people, so I understand the culture. As for me, I stick to chicken mostly. The more I learn about how animals are treated when raised for food, the more I refuse to eat. Yes, I live in Boulder. I hope everyone is having a great day.

Hello Tannn~ I gifted my BF a reading with a medium over the phone. The medium was on the west coast and he was in the midwest. He was very pleased with the experience. If you would like, I will private message you her information and you can decide for yourself whether she is someone you'd like to try.

That's exactly it. I'm from a toxic family as well, with a couple narcissists, and abandonment is huge for me. I thought I had it all worked out until this breakup happened. In a way it's a blessing for me. I'm going to come out of this healthier and stronger.

I believe I misread what you wrote. It could have been taken either way!

Yes, six months since we last spoke. I reached out early on with no response, so it's been a solid 5 months since I contacted him. I gave myself 9/25 as a date to re-evaluate whether I reach out again or not. Lately I've been thinking if I don't hear from him I'll send a holiday or birthday card for his birthday in January, but all of that is a maybe at the moment. By no means am I waiting. I've been very busy lately going out with friends and meeting new people while researching for my project. For me this is huge because I hadn't felt like going anywhere except to the barn for quite awhile. I had a full life before this relationship and intend to continue to focus on what I need to feel fulfilled again. I've probably said this elsewhere but it deserves repeating. This grieving process for me has brought so many other undealt with feelings to the surface. In a way he and I are quite alike in being stoic and pretending we're strong and fine when in fact we're not - and maybe at the time the other incidents happened - weren't equipped to deal with the pain in a healthy way. This time around I'm feeling everything, examining and releasing it so I can move forward. I needed to go through this for myself in order to get to a really healthy place emotionally. Once I feel that way the majority of the time will be when I decide whether I want to begin dating again. I'm a firm believer in "what's meant to happen will happen" and if we're meant to be together at some point we will reconnect, but I'm not going to try to force anything. I would prefer that he reaches out to me when he is ready and healed himself.

So much of what you just said in a previous entry above could have been me and my BF. Our first phone conversation I said jokingly, if you're going to vote for ___ for president we have nothing to discuss and he laughed. Same views, same smarts, same love of laughing and animals. When we first began seeing each other and would go out to eat we would order the same thing every time. It was weird and I'd never had that with anyone before either. There were times I would decide what I was having then would ask him what he was and yes, it was the same. The trippiest times were when I would think something and he would answer my question out loud. I hadn't spoken it! That happened more than once. We were so connected and I thought it was forever. I miss him terribly. I'm rooting for all of us to get through this and end up being happy with whatever happens.

Oh Kayc - I surely didn't enjoy it but had to get it done. A repair person came out and quoted me $449 to replace it. Ridiculous. As for this - does she really mean that? My guess would be not really. Would she leave you alone in a reversed situation - I think not. Again I agree with Kayc - at some point counseling on this type of issue may be beneficial.

I sure would have loved to have someone around to help when I had to replace my garbage disposal myself recently. And I agree with Kayc - fantastic news! It's going to get better, I can just feel it! Cheers!

I Don't Believe This~ First of all - wow! I'm attempting to absorb what you've written and can understand her needing a moment to take it all in, but I'm sure she will. Your future looks very promising and I'm happy for you! Let me speak to the question about her independence. I too am independent to a fault, but have had to be as I too am a single parent. When my BF and I got together he insisted on paying for everything, always, even at the grocery store when I'm buying dog food for my 3 dogs or household supplies. And there were times I refused to let him pay because yes, it was my responsibility and I can take care of myself. Over time I learned to accept more of his generosity because that made him happy and is a huge part of who he is. I've supported myself and my daughter since she was in kindergarten and am by no means needy in any form of the word. That independence and self-sufficiency is a big part of who I am. Someone told me at one point to get used to him insisting on paying for everything and simply enjoy it, so I made an effort. Also, when he would visit me sometimes he would vanish and just fix things like my mailbox and the hinge on the back door. He didn't ask permission just did it. It's who he is. I believe that if you tell her how much you admire her independence, but also explain that it is very important to you to help her out in whatever manner you see fit and that's you simply being you, it would mean a lot to you to be able to step up and help here and there. I hope that makes sense. As far as horse sanctuaries, you just blew me away with that question. There are several that come to mind. Most recently I have been working with a nonprofit group Colorado Miracle Feedlot Horses that rescues horses from a local feedlot who are at risk of shipping to slaughter in Mexico. The website is www.coloradofeedlothorses.com. This amazing group has morphed into a rescue as well which is run by my friend Taryn -- High Hopes Ranch & Rescue in Commerce City, CO. This facility is only roughly six months old and is a work in progress. In 2015 our group saved roughly 5,000 horses from slaughter and will exceed that number this year. I'm happy to give you more information on that if you are interested. The second one that comes to mind is the sanctuary at which I keep my own personal horse - Steps Foundation Sanctuary for Horses and Humans in Longmont, Colorado. At this facility they offer workshops for people who have suffered trauma through their program "Horses Mending Hearts" and also programs for veterans with PTSD through equine facilitated healing. They do amazing work and it is life-changing to say the least. The last one that comes to mind is Sacred Peaks Equine Sanctuary in Flagstaff, Arizona which is run by my friend Kathy Oliver. She rescues horses through the feedlot group, rehabilitates and re-homes them. She also takes in neglected horses locally in AZ. Most recently she took in a severely neglected horse from the Havasupai Reservation in the Grand Canyon who, along with several other horses, were not fed or given vet care but worked daily carrying packs up and down the trail in the Grand Canyon. He is underweight with sores on his back from being forced to carry packs. He now is safe with Kathy's rescue being fed well and cared for like he deserves. These women I mention are living the life I only dream of - having their own property to rescue and rehab horses. We love the horses (all animals actually) and it is so important to give a voice to the voiceless. Being part of this group is what has helped me move forward more than anything. So as I always say - focus on joy. As far as your GF you mentioned she loves horses too - what else is she passionate about? I recall asking my BF one time if he could do anything he wanted for a living what would he do and he told me he would build custom motorcycles. You mentioned your GF is a type one diabetic, as is my daughter. Sponsoring research into diabetes is very needed and I know my daughter applauds anyone who gets closer to a cure for her. It's an unforgiving disease and very hard on everyone if not handled well. I believe you're asking the right questions and will likely find more than one dream for her! My response is longer than I expected. My apologies. I hope this helps.

It is my personal belief that our departed loved ones are still with us. I feel my dad around me all the time, quite a bit lately, actually. So I talk with him and I know in my heart he's one of my angels keeping an eye on me. It's not that I ever see him, except maybe in a dream, but I feel his presence in such a way that I speak to him, often out loud. I also agree that kids often experience what your grandson is experiencing. My BF told me a story about his young cousins seeing a young girl on a rural roadway and described what she looked like and was wearing, carrying books. They asked his mother about her youngest sister (who had been killed at a young age being hit by a car near that same country road), and her description of the departed sister was exactly what the kids had seen. I find it fascinating! It's a matter of belief and I would never force my personal beliefs on anyone, but isn't it a wonderful thought that in some way our departed loved ones stay with us and keep a watchful eye? Makes my heart happy.