ChinUp54

Hello everyone~ I haven't posted here in quite awhile. Monday was six months since I last spoke with my BF and to date no contact from him. I have been keeping my promise to myself and haven't tried to contact him either. Some days are better than others but I do find myself laughing more and not crying nearly as often, if at all. My heart still aches and I often wonder if I will ever get over this. The fact of the matter is maybe getting "over" it isn't the focus, but simply continuing on with my life in spite of it is. Grief is interesting in what it brings out in us. For a variety of reasons I have been quite selective in who I spend time with or what activities appeal to me lately. The people in my life who are toxic or needy aren't getting my attention at all. The caretaker in me is feeling as though I'm being rude. I've always been the one people lean on when something happens, but frankly I don't have it in me to take care of anybody else but myself right now. This has given me some understanding of what he's going through in his own grief. So I continue to be compassionate in my thoughts of him, but have very strict boundaries with my own life. Right now I'm taking care of me and continuing to spend time with the horses. I don't recall that I've mentioned it here before, but I am working on a project with regard to horse rescue and really enjoy the women friends I have been making through researching this project. This weekend I will be going to visit a woman who lives on 73 acres and takes in older horses to give them a life of happy retirement. She currently is care-taking for a horse who has some severe injuries through no fault of his own. They live in a rural area so she is looking forward to the company and I can't wait to meet all of her rescues. I've met her once before at a fundraising event, and was delighted when she said she would love to have a visitor on Saturday. Next month I will be going to Arizona to attend an open house at another friend's sanctuary. I am going a day early so I can help her prepare for the event. She is one of the most grounded, happy and positive energy people I've ever met, and she does amazing work with horses. She recently purchased a home and barn on 10 acres. It's amazing to watch these women follow their passions and witness how life-changing it is. So good days, not so good days and lots of contemplation on what to do next. I continue to do what makes me smile and am still putting one foot in front of the other a day at a time. I hope my words help someone else. Hugs and hope.

So happy to hear communication is back on! It sounds like she is making healthy choices for herself and realizes she needs some expert assistance. As for you friend, I remember the days of crying and not being able to sleep. Are you caring for yourself? As difficult as it is, and we've all been there, focus on joy and what makes you happy even for moments at a time. Allowing ourselves to feel what we are feeling is important in healing, as you well know. We are here for you and rooting for you both!

Those of us that come from toxic families understand completely and feel for you. You have to protect yourself first when it comes to family. There is a reason I live in the middle of the country while the bulk of my family is on the west coast, Arizona and Michigan. I too am happy for your sister's pregnancy and for the good relationship the two of you have. One step at a time and one day at a time. Wishing you the best.

May I join in everyone's heartfelt thoughts on your situation. I have been on vacation and just now saw the updates here. It has to be frustrating for you both with her phone difficulties and I hope resolution comes sooner rather than later. I also hope you are taking good care of yourself in the meantime.

I believe that's wise of you - she's simply too raw and vulnerable right now in my opinion. I would hate for it to blow up into something completely unintended. Enjoy your weekend!

Well done! Yes, we're rooting for you. I so want to see an ending with the two of you staying together and being stronger as a couple having navigated this difficult time in such a healthy way. You give me hope! Thank you!

I agree with Kayc. I wouldn't surprise her with anything right now, but present it to her and let her decide whether she wants to go. As for sharing what you learned about her dad, I would be very careful with that as well. An opportunity will present itself for you to let her know how you learned so many interesting things about her dad while doing what SHE asked you to do. Until then I would tread very lightly since she is in such a difficult place at the moment. I would encourage her to tell you about her dad, her favorite memories, etc. and if there is something you can share then, that's when I would do it. It's such a fine line you're walking at the moment. In my opinion, now is the time to listen to her first and share what you will when you feel the moment is right. Good luck my friend. You're doing an amazing job supporting her and like we've all said before she's lucky to have you.

It sounds like you're going to be really busy and that is always good for me, so I hope it works well for you. Plus it gives her space as you said, but also gives her time to miss you too. Safe travels and best of luck!

Thanks Roger!

Good morning. I sure am in a funk today, which actually began yesterday. I'm not quite sure what's going on but a lot has happened lately. One of my classmates that I've known since 3rd grade passed away this week. He had MS which debilitated him and apparently he had fallen down some stairs, was in the hospital and never recovered. I last saw him two summers ago at a class reunion. He made an effort to attend because I believe he knew his days were numbered. He smoked heavily and drank way too much that day and apparently that was how he was living following his diagnosis. I had seen him on and off over the years and can't say that we were close, but I'm from a very small town and everybody knows everybody. Maybe I'm feeling my own mortality from this. We have lost several classmates in recent years - to cancer, prescription drug overdose, alcoholism, and freak accidents. Yes, my own mortality, I guess that's what it is. Or at least part of it. I am all over the place with my thoughts and emotions. Summer is here and the weather is gorgeous. This is the second summer without the BF. Every time I see or hear a Harley I get sad. So this is also the second summer with no rides for me, but I'm sure he's out riding with his friends. I'm just angry, frustrated and sad that I'm not included anymore. And I'm sick of feeling like this out of no where. My dad has been everywhere lately too. Five year anniversary of his passing was on 6/15. Lots of FB memories and photos that have been nice to see but remind me how much I still miss him. So I've been lurking here reading posts in other forums and see the parallels in grieving. While my current grief is of a lost love relationship, I see that all of us grieving are experiencing many of the same emotions. My heart goes out to everyone. So plan of action? I'm going to let what I'm feeling flow through me and simply let it be. I would love to stop being in tears while I'm typing this because I am at work LOL, but apparently the tears need to flow. Timing could be better though. We close at 3 pm today, so I'm planning to visit my horse and get her out to let her play a bit. One step at a time, right? AGH!

My mother remarried 4 months after my father passed away. He was a widower she's known since junior high school, but reconnected with after he sent her condolences on my father's passing. I admire Gwenivere and Gin's devotion and love for their husbands. My mother couldn't be alone after my dad was gone. Needless to say it was a bit difficult to have her rush into a new marriage so quickly after being married to my dad for 50 plus years. Luckily for her it's worked out as the 5th anniversary of dad's death was last week, and the 5th anniversary of her marriage is in October. Grief is simply tough and everyone deals with it in their own way. I too wish people would think before they speak - including myself.

Mona Lisa~ My view on this is what's meant to happen will happen. If he resurfaces one day we'll have to see where he's at in his grief process. There are definitely some things I needed to work on for myself as well, and this has forced me to face up to that and take action. I too suffered depression after his mother passed because he did the same thing and withdrew. He was not himself and I knew it was grief, but I didn't know what to do to help either. And I didn't know how not to take it personally. The loss of a parent can be huge and overwhelming, especially when they were really close as mine was to his mother. I don't think they know what they're feeling but know they have nothing to give to a relationship at the moment. My guess is a huge part of his heart is missing and he's learning to live with that. At one point he said to me "I think you'd be better of with someone else." Fact of the matter is I don't want someone else, but I also do not want someone that completely checks out when life gets overwhelming. So yes, I'll stick with horses for now.

Hi Mona Lisa~ Your situation is very similar to mine and I feel your pain. I'm so sorry yet another person has to go through this. My BF stopped calling right after the year anniversary of his mother's passing - maybe you've read my story too. It's now almost 5 months since our last conversation and I have heard nothing from him even though I reached out to him early on. For me, this is one of the hardest things I've ever been through and it still hurts and I still cry. So please be easy with yourself and let the feelings happen, feel them and continue on. It's the only way to process your own grief in losing him. In the beginning I was asked "what brings me joy?" by a counselor and for me it's my horses - I couldn't think of anything else at that time which is really odd for me. So I spend time with the horses and eventually found my joy again. Some days I felt like I couldn't do anything, so I didn't and just let myself be. And that's okay. I still have difficulty believing this happened to me. We too had an amazing relationship, so I thought, and I didn't want to let him go but he gave me no choice in the matter. Keep coming here to vent and seek words of comfort. We are here to support you through this. Hugs to you.

I haven't commented recently but have been watching this unfold for you. My heart goes out to you both during this most difficult time. What I've learned for myself is that we have no idea what our grieving partner is feeling or going through if they don't share it, and it's such a fine line between our concern for them and having them feel pressured by us asking. Frankly, often times I don't think they know what they're feeling except that they're hurting. With your GF, I can't even imagine her hurt with the amount of loss she's experienced in such a short time. I hope you are able to work this out and wish you all the best.

Your love for her is so clear and you expressed yourself quite well. You are so right about love being a choice. I've always believed what's meant to happen wil, happen. Wishing you both the best and that she asks you to stay.

I hope you don't mind my checking in on you since you haven't posted in several days. How are things going? My hope is that all is well.

Thanks MartyT. One day I will thank the BF for prompting me to get back to my full life. I am grateful.

I've been spending more and more time with my new horse rescue friends and have discovered something that really fills my heart. We are doing great things for these horses. Our first fundraiser is happening in a couple of weeks and I'm happy to be a part of it. Saturday I went to the new rescue to help out and introduce another horse friend to everyone. Upon arriving the resident mini donkey Clyde was being barked at by a big dog (through a fence) and Clyde was braying back very loudly. It was hilarious. Apparently Clyde runs the barnyard! Heading to the barn a vet pulled up and was there for an emergency - a colt had been born sometime that morning and the mother wasn't producing any milk for him. Long story short, another mare had stolen the baby as her own, while the actual mother was still in the pasture. We rearranged horses and baby and got him fed. I had the pleasure of feeding mom some grain while holding her lead rope. I love volunteering there because I never know what I'm going to end up doing when I arrive. This is a photo of Titan, the new colt who is not even a day old, after feeding from his mom. He just laid down, full and ready for a nap. I plan to see him again this weekend, along with the 3 other foals that have been born there recently. All of them are thriving and being well-cared for. Enjoy the photo!

Surfergirl, my heart goes out to you during this most difficult time. Your family dynamic sounds so much like mine. I too am the oldest and have always felt as though I was "practiced on." You are a strong person for making the trip and do not deserve any judgment by others. Do what you must but take care of yourself first. If the person you've met only once is where you will stay, that tells me so much about her and her compassionate heart for you. That is what you need right now, compassion for yourself and from others. I have been going through a transition in my life that has caused me to let go of some long time friends who no longer fit into my life or serve me in where I am headed. While some may view "blessing and releasing" people from my life may be harsh, it's actually freeing for me. Transition is difficult but worthwhile. Please keep us posted as to how your visit works for you. Again I am so sorry you're experiencing this. Keep coming back to this site for support.

I wish I would have found this site sooner as you did. There are so many things I would have done differently had I had the knowledge this forum has provided. I too am pulling for you both. I will say again how fortunate she is to have you. It is clearly evident how much you love her. I truly believe had my BF made the move here prior to his mother's passing he wouldn't have been able to check out permanently as easily. Part of me believes my BF will eventually return once he is ready, or not. I was so sure I would be spending the rest of my life with him. Am I waiting, no. I admire your devotion.

She is lucky to have you. I believe she will come through this even though as Kayc says, it's going to take some time. I'm so proud of you for being so supportive to her. I know it's difficult, but I think you're doing exactly what she needs you to do to help her through this.

One more. This is Aria - she was sickly and severely underweight. Look at her now!

Here is a more extreme case of change - this is a mare that was saved whose name is "Vincent." Huge difference, don't you think?

I am happy to share the before photo of our rescue boy who has his forever home with my friend Kim. The first photo is what he looked like when we picked him up. The second is of him being ridden by my friend. He's very happy and loved.

Today is my BF's mother's birthday - she would have been 87. I haven't contacted him even though he is in my thoughts today. I suspect it may be a difficult day for him. So I'm sending love his way because I believe he needs it. Maybe I need it too - to send it that is. My visit with my mother was a train wreck. I'm finally back to feeling like myself and it's been almost 3 weeks. I was amazed at how fragile yet angry I felt while she was here. Clearly I was not ready for her emotionally. It's so sad that I have to "prepare" myself to spend any time with her. Number one the visit was too long. But I give myself credit for saying what I felt when I needed to. Whether it did any good remains to be seen. Going forward I will recommend the hotel down the street rather than have them stay with me. Lots going on in the horse rescue world - several new babies born recently and I plan to visit on Sunday to meet the new arrivals. I've also been working on a project for a fundraiser we're having next month, which has been extremely rewarding. It's a success booklet to show before and after photos of rescued horses. There are some amazing folks out there who go above and beyond to help these horses. It's encouraging to see the transformation of a horse who is cared for properly. They are so forgiving. Humans have much to learn from them.