ChinUp54

Venting here is highly recommended. There are wise and compassionate people here to help and listen. I'm so sorry you are going through this. My BF was supposed to move to my state last year, but after his mother passed I knew it wasn't going to happen. He just wasn't the same man after she passed. I hope you are able to work this out with your GF. I would hate to have another relationship end because of grief. Hugs.

Thank you Kay for sharing your memories of your beautiful friend. Hugs to you. I hope every time you think of her it brings a huge smile to your face. That would make her happy, I'm sure.

The part of the article that spoke to me the most was "Go easy with yourself when you are grieving...learn to cut yourself some slack. Insist that others cut you some slack, if not by words, by actions. Don't be the one who is always there. Don't go places you don't want to go or do things you don't want to do. Stop running and learn to be okay in the "me" space." My mother and her husband visited me this past weekend and I should have said no to the visit, or at least shortened it to an overnight - 2 at the most. Visits with my mother are exhausting and this one left me feeling beat up, inadequate and hurting worse than I was when they arrived. It's really sad that I have to "prepare" myself for a visit with her and this time I wasn't emotionally strong enough to do that. Needless to say it wasn't one of my best weekends. Mother said they won't be visiting me again, which is an idle threat I know, but going forward I'm going to be the one to say no to the visit. As if not visiting me is some sort of punishment! I dread her visits!! I deserve to be treated better when someone is a guest in my home. Some people are never happy with what you do or say. Her "jokes" are criticisms and very hurtful and often cruel. Going forward I will really take a look at what visits with her accomplish and whether its worth it to ME to put myself into that line of fire. I feel better today than I did on Monday and earlier in the week, but really need to consider what's best in the future. I prefer to spend holidays alone than with someone who feels they can say whatever they like to me without repercussions. AGH! Thanks for listening and for now I'm staying home!

Thanks so much Kayc. I find it hard to believe that he's not missing me. How do you go from talking several times a day for almost 3 years to nothing and not miss that person? Makes no sense, as we all know. I'm not contacting him for the time being. My previous attempts have gone unanswered so I've shifted my focus. This has been the most difficult breakup I've ever experienced. It would be easier if he cheated on me or something. You've given me, and all of us, such wonderful advice and I want to thank you for your wise words and compassion. I'm coming out of this a different person and hate to admit it but I needed the kick in the pants this breakup has given me. I've found myself wanting to talk to him today because we lost a 4 day old colt last night to pneumonia. I used to tell him everything. I never imagined he wouldn't want to hear from me since we were best friends, or so I thought. Instead I've been talking with my friend Nancy who met little Nick (the colt) on Sunday. We're both very sad. Life goes on, and sometimes it doesn't. Just be grateful for the precious moments when they happen I guess. Tomorrow my mother and her husband arrive. I really like her husband. He loves it when I give him projects and I always have plenty. I promised to make him French onion soup and a caramel cake, so I have plenty to keep me busy as well. Hopefully my daughter is available to take mother shopping as I'm not a shopper. Mother doesn't get dirty and I don't shop LOL. Give me barn dirt any day. Thanks again for being here for us.

Clematis~You are where I was 3 months ago and a wise person suggested I focus on joy and asked me what brings me joy? I drew a complete blank except for my horse. That question, in the past, would have been an easy answer, but not today. I said, horses give me joy, so that's where I started and made sure I only did what I felt like doing. Every day I spent time with my horse. One day we took selfies and she got into it moving her head around over one shoulder, then the other and tried to sniff the phone. I was laughing so hard by the time we were done I forgot all about my grief for a moment. Then I ventured out to a new rescue to meet this amazing woman who started it and to meet her rescue horses. I worked my tail off helping with chores and chatting with the other horse lovers who were there. I had one of the best days I've had in a long time. It's just getting better and better, slowly but surely. So baby steps my friend. Cry because you need to and the same with sleeping, you need it. But when you can, do something that makes your heart sing, like play your cello or paint. Be easy on yourself - and this comes from another perfectionist who is way too hard on herself. P.S. I've always wanted to send my mother a bill for all of the $$ I've spent on therapy!

Kayc - I was thinking exactly that this morning as my daughter helped me put out the trash as we both were leaving for work. We've had some difficulty since she's moved back home, but lately we're really working together, helping each other out and our relationship is so much better. My dad, during the last year of his life, had my daughter living with them to help out. (I know - I didn't recommend that she live with my mother! Actually, I advised against it.) Dad would ask my daughter who is your role model and her answer was "her mom." He told me that story every time he saw me that last year and you could see my mother cringe and glare at me each time she heard it. I simply smiled. Obviously that story brought him happiness. Mother snuffs out anyone's light given the opportunity. Her new husband has been a positive affect on her though. His family is very important to him and she wants that June Cleaver image. Interesting how her kids rarely visit them. Bless her heart is all I can say. She generally means well, except when she doesn't.

Kayc how did you reconnect to begin your friendship? Were you the one to reach out or did he reach out to you? I've given myself another deadline for no contact and that is September 2016. Probably the 25th which would be somewhat of a milestone. I'm just looking for some guidance on what to do when the time comes, if I choose to do anything at all. Thanks so much.

My mother will be visiting me this Mother's Day. We have always had a difficult relationship. Due to her life experiences she has the emotional maturity of a 13 year old. Oh the stories I could tell. Just to give you a taste, I grew up being told I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, everything is going to be way too hard including college, and on and on. She also disciplined with kitchen utensils and you never knew when you were going to be struck with something like a spatula or spoon. It wasn't until I was out on my own and exposed to life beyond her reality that I began to understand how limited her thinking was and how fearful she had lived her whole life. She's a challenge to me particularly because she reminds me constantly that all of my positive traits come from her. We are nothing alike. I was always closer to my dad. Due to the way I was raised I made it a point to raise my daughter differently. No spanking and no allowing grandparents to spank. My dad died on June 15th 2011. My mother remarried not quite four months later. She cannot be alone. The article Marty posted spoke to me. I've learned more from my mother about how I don't want to be, and I've also learned to be compassionate towards people who had challenges more difficult than I have had. She's also been someone that made it so important for me to have boundaries and stick to them no matter what. I know she loves me and my siblings. She's one who will not compliment you to your face but will brag about you to others. Anytime anyone gives me a compliment she says no don't tell her that her head's already too big. As I said a challenge, but she's the only mother I have. My dad had dementia and for years I called every Saturday morning to talk to my dad until he was unable to speak on the phone. So the conversations occurred with my mom unintentionally from then on. I still call her every Saturday and I know she enjoys that. I know she won't be with us forever and I will miss her when she's gone, but admittedly Mother's Day is always a challenge for me. She is not a great mother although she'd have everyone believe she is June Cleaver. She too is a narcissist, and it's challenging for me to be around her for more than a couple days. Purchasing the card is always a challenge. They are always much too mushy gushy for our relationship. Good grief it's going to be a long weekend.

I thought I would check in as I haven't posted on this in quite some time. It has been 3 months since my BF stopped calling and I am finally feeling lighter. This morning I was reminded that I flew home to attend his mother's burial a year ago today. So it's been a year since I've seen him. So much changes in a year. Changes have occurred that I didn't want, but life goes on anyway. My best friend from California visited me this weekend. Even though the weather was snowy, cold and wet, we had an amazing time together. We visited horses and rescues so she could take photographs. One of our destinations was off of dirt roads which now were muddy and slick making our travel in my little car quite exciting and somewhat foolish. We made it, then trudged around in mud and met the newborn horses and the people who care for them at the rescue. As I said, it was an amazing weekend. I am truly blessed to have such a talented and caring friend. She will be back in June for a fundraiser for our favorite rescue, and I will travel to visit her in July rather than going home as I had planned. I'm not ready to go home yet. Maybe next year. My heart still aches and I'm not crying as often as I was, but the hurt and loss are still there. Eventually that too will subside. I blocked him on FB as it was making me crazy seeing him there or knowing he is out and about with friends yet has made no contact with me. If it weren't for my involvement with the horse rescue group on FB, I probably would close it all together. Taking care of myself is my first priority and doing what I love, focusing on joy, and living in the moment seem to be working. My goal is to create a new circle of friends as well, particularly with the horse rescue folks. We have so much in common. I've been doing some home improvement projects as well. Slowly but surely it's all coming together. Be well.

Marg and Laura - this exact topic is addressed in the book I mention above. It has to do with grieving, which is so individual for each of us, but she has a process for opening oneself again following the loss of a loved one. Meditating is suggested and the hard part for me as I have 3 large dogs that follow me everywhere, and I have to figure out where I can hide for 10-20 minutes each morning where they can't follow or bark at me!

Hi Laura~ I've been reading a book Bridges to Heaven written by Sue Frederick who is an intuitive that lives here in Boulder. With the experiences you've described above, I believe you would enjoy her book and could learn more about communicating with your parents since they've passed. My dad visits me and it's not that I hear his words per se, but I feel his presence and so I speak with him until I can't feel him there anymore. This might sound crazy to some people, but it has also happened with a dear friend who passed way too young. He used to visit me as well, but I haven't felt his presence in quite some time. Apparently meditation helps us in becoming more open to receiving messages from those who have crossed over. I find peace in knowing our loved ones may be physically gone, but are still watching over us and the same will happen for me when it's my turn. Fascinating, in my opinion.

Hello all. Well I did it. I blocked my guy on FB and it was so hard. Roger-Ramjet thanks so much for your support on that decision. Kayc's mentioning that no contact preserves our love spoke to me yesterday - and I believe she is right. The last thing I want is to be resentful and angry. Compassion is in order but so is self-preservation. I will not undo it and will move on. I also appreciated what Raven said about staring at the closed door and not seeing the new ones open - that was what I was doing. I truly do not want to be stuck waiting for something or someone, so I made the decision and blocked him rather than think about it for another week. The interesting part is that last night I finally connected with a gal I've been wanting to interview for a project, and we were able to speak on the phone. We made arrangements to meet up on Saturday and I was beyond ecstatic. The door opened! Have a great day.

Hello everyone. As Raven and Kayc already know, I'm going through the same thing. My guy lost his mother in January 2015 and shortly after the 1st anniversary of her passing he stopped calling me or returning my calls. A bit of background, we had been in a long distance relationship for just over 3 years, and six months after she passed is when things started to change. He would not let me visit and kept saying that he wanted to come see me, but never booked a flight. Said he wanted space, didn't want a relationship with anyone right now, working too much, yadayadayada. I haven't seen him since May of 2015, although he continued to call me most every day until this past January. I gave myself a deadline of no contact to April 15. A friend of mine who lives in his area reached out to me on Saturday asking for my guy's phone number as they were in town and wanted to invite him out. So I gave it to him and let him know that he had stopped calling me. He said he was sorry to hear that. While my guy didn't meet up with them Saturday night, they ran into each other Sunday morning and had a short visit. My name was not mentioned. Later in the afternoon I sent my guy a text saying "I hope you don't mind that I gave XX your phone number." And I added that it was "nice to see you were out on your motorcycle while I was shoveling snow - LOL. I hope you are well." Thank you Facebook. I kept it light, not asking for anything, but no response. Nothing. So, my recommendation about contact is don't unless you absolutely feel you must. It ripped open my wound that was healing and put me back to day one. My focus shifted backwards and it's been a rough few days. I had my first sleepless night Saturday and was up the entire night. I've never done that before. And my heart has been racing. It's almost as if I made it worse for myself by contacting him. I'm a believer in listening to your intuition, or gut instinct, so I recommend that as well. In my situation we have had no contact since the end of January and that was his doing, not mine. It makes no sense to me either why it is so difficult to keep us in their lives. It's the opposite of what I would do in the same situation. The reaction I get from anyone who knows us both confirms my confusion. They noticed how happy we were together and thought we were a great couple. I can't tell you how many people have said that. It makes no sense and quite frankly, is very maddening. So back to my journaling, house projects and horses. I have to learn how to let him go for my own sake. On a positive note, I've cut back on wine consumption and have begun an eating plan called "Whole30" and am down 5 lbs. Sunday I made myself go outside and shovel so I could exhaust myself and hopefully sleep, which I did. Last night I painted my dining room. Lots of spring house projects. Due to the weather I didn't get enough horse time, but will make up for it this weekend. Be good to yourselves. Thank you for being here. Cathy

Finch, my heart goes out to you. I hope you are able to find some comfort and support here on this site. I'd like to speak to your thoughts on a medium. As for me, I'm a believer and encourage you to do what you feel you need to do. I'd like to recommend a book - Bridges to Heaven - by Sue Frederick. She lives in my community and is a gifted writer and intuitive. You may find some peace in reading her work. Hugs.

Miss Loss - MartyT posted this article last week and I found it very helpful. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judy-warren/kissing-frogs-a-case-for-_b_9541276.html

As difficult as it is we need to take care of ourselves first. I can't even imagine going out with anyone else right now. Eventually, maybe, but right now healing is first and foremost on my mind. I believe you are doing the right thing in saying no and listening to your needs. I'm so glad we can come here and share what we're going through and receive the tremendous support we need. As hard as it is grieving for our lost loves, we have to feel everything to move on in a healthy way. I know it will get better - no need to rush.

Thank you Kayc and MissLoss. I tend to be way too hard on myself and this was another example. I doubt had I handled it differently anything would have changed. He had pushed me away for months, hence his not telling me he was going out of town. Some days are just more raw than others and it seems this week is simply a raw week. Thanks for reaching out. As I've said before, this site has been a godsend.

Something just occurred to me. I was out of town on the anniversary of my BF's mother's passing and had sent him a card to arrive on the anniversary to let him know I was thinking of him. The following weekend he went to our hometown where his mother is buried and hadn't told me beforehand that he was going. I tried to reach him and he texted me letting me know where he was, then called me the next day when he was on his way home. I had moved my horse to a new barn that weekend and he asked how it went. It had gone very smoothly and I was a bit excited about it. We talked that evening, then the following morning, and that was the last time. I didn't make the connection of the anniversary of her passing and him going home until now. He probably went to visit her grave. I feel like a complete idiot. A mutual friend checked in with him recently and asked him about us. He told her we broke up - that long distance relationships were hard. No kidding. I'm not having a good day. This is awful.

Thank you for this MartyT. It's just what I needed to read today.

Kayc the photo or my post to Ramjet? I am kidding of course. I live in Colorado and it is closed today due to thd bad weather!!

Roger~ Getting comfortable being alone is one of the best things we can do for ourselves. When my BF and I got together in late 2012 I was the happiest I had been ever been and it showed. And when we're comfortable in our own skin it attracts people to us. My goal is to get back to being that person as realistically I hadn't been happy for quite some time prior to his leaving. I have to live with myself every day and I much prefer the happy, independent, full of life version of me than the lonely, miserable version. Through this loss I am on my way to finding myself again. Relationships force us to learn and grow. While I don't want to be with anyone else, I need him to want to be with me just as much. So please do what makes you happy! Mowing the lawn may turn out to be something very zen-like for you!

Kayc thank you for the photos of your dog! Such a happy pup! Raven, that is great news! My heart is so happy for you! Very sweet and touching gesture by Matt. Ramjet I hope you are doing well! I am snowed in today so I am still in my pjs making a caramel cake to take to work tomorrow. Last night I went to see my horse and we had a beautiful ride on a lovely, warm evening. So glad I went!

I worked on a project near and dear to my heart today and actually felt ecstatic and happy for part of the afternoon. When one door closes another one opens. I will probably cry on the drive to the barn, but will forget everything once I see my horse. Hopefully its not too windy to ride tonight. One day at a time and focus on joy - that's my mantra. I love your image and agree wholeheartedly with the message. I'm keeping it light today, so I posted a photo of our rescue horse drinking water from Saturday. He is so silly and I absolutely adore him. Thank you Raven and Kayc for your posts today. Enjoy your evening.

Hi Raven. My BF lost his mother in January 2015, and most recently, approximately 10 days after the anniversary of her passing (and just after our third anniversary), stopped contact with me. We had been together for 2 years at the time she passed, and he started withdrawing in June 2015. I could feel the difference even though we continued to speak twice daily. He simply checked out. His feelings for me were changing and at one point he said he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, but maybe we could try again in the future. Our relationship was long distance and he kept telling me he wanted to come visit me, and said no every time I suggested I visit him. I'm still adjusting to being without him and feel I've lost my best friend. Although, in my gut I know he's doing what he needs to do to deal with this and I believe eventually he will contact me. Wishful thinking, I know, but he clearly needs his space at the moment.

Raven~ Thank you for posting this. I broke things off in October because I could see the writing on the wall and I was absolutely miserable after doing so. We talked a few days later and he asked me to keep talking with him and to please be patient. I actually thought things were getting better when he stopped calling and didn't return my last call. There has been no response to a letter I sent or the 2 messages through FB prior to that, which was early February. I have been tempted to contact him as I am worried he's in a bad place emotionally, but so far I have not. I made a promise that I would not humiliate myself and deep down I know there is nothing I can do for him. He has to do this his way and on his own. While this is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through in an emotional sense, I know I need to focus on healing me and do my own grieving of the relationship. I'm typically an outgoing, strong and confident person, but haven't felt that way in quite awhile. And to open the door for rejection by contacting him will not help me get my confidence back. I too keep myself busy and have some projects in the works that are exciting. I still miss him terribly but must take it one day at a time. I like the giving less idea. The person we need to give to is ourselves. XOX