Roger_Ramjet

Hugs to you!

Kayc - He has never asked me not to contact him. Yet after not receiving a response in the first couple months, I knew that was the implicit message. In recent months, I discovered that he had been logging into a shared gmail account that we had used to communicate to each other (mostly email from me to him). His only purpose to log into that account would be to take a stroll down memory lane, I presume. And that gave me a little hope initially. However almost 2 months later and I decided that I would not allow that anymore. I made my Instagram private so he could not have the opportunity to "see" me or what was going on in my life. And I changed the password on the account. I did send an email to that particular account to give him a heads up that I would be closing it (in case he wanted to keep any of the emails). He did open and read that message but of course, did not reply. I'm not sure if this was the right or wrong thing to do in this situation but like ChinUp, I don't want to be the one waiting anymore or give him the impression that I'm waiting. Grief or no grief, he's had ample opportunity and I didn't want to put myself in that position anymore.

Ugh...Sorry ChinUp that you had a bad weekend. I was ready to contact X's sister this weekend so I could hopefully find out once and for all if this is all about his grief or it was me. Then he posted another Instagram photo with his face in his Dad's flag and captioned it that he was still struggling without him, I took that as a sign to back off and not pursue contact with his sister. And the urge to email him sometimes is sooo strong but I have to resist. Because like one of you pointed out, it sets us up for more rejection and makes it worse for ourselves.

It's what I needed too but I'm doing all of that and it doesn't seem to be helping. I just wish I could have joy again.

Kayc, You have been through so much and yet you continue to give back. I see your name on almost every thread on this site. It seems like you have taken your pain and experiences and turned it into something positive by helping so many other people who are complete strangers through their darkest moments. You must be an angel sent from God...I truly mean that and I am not at all religious... My kids know nothing about this "relationship" although my daughter did meet him when we met up platonically and liked him very much. Of course there is a hope that this relationship comes back to me but in my heart of hearts, I don't think it will. Yet, I cannot bring myself to delete the apps on my phone that hold our history of conversations. I cannot delete the pictures. I'm in this terrible limbo of holding on to those memories because although they are painful to read and look at (and I don't go there often anymore), they are also somewhat comforting. I can't just "rip the band-aid off"...

Kayc, Yes, that filing single did me in as I had to split the mortgage interest with him...but next year should be much better. I wish I had found this site sooner as the stories and comments have really helped me. However, I still find myself being stuck and I'm not sure I can ever get over this. No one knows how much I am hurting and how much I still carry this around with me every single day. I left a 20-year relationship yet didn't shed one tear over that and I know that sounds harsh and cold. But when you have been beat down verbally for years and years, you put up walls to protect yourself emotionally and you disassociate and remove yourself out of the reach of letting it hurt you at a deep level. I've been so guarded for so many years but I let all those walls down with my "friend". It was freeing and I hadn't felt that much happiness in the entire time I was married. So here I am mourning a relationship that didn't exist to most everyone around me except my close family and friends that I confided in. I know I need to stay busy and live my life and forget about him. Knowing what I need to do and actually doing that are two different things. How do I move past this?

Kayc, I'm contemplating asking my elderly neighbors if they have a lawnmower that I might use in return for me mowing their grass as well... My divorce has left me on a very tight budget and I owed Uncle Sam this year which I wasn't expecting. As my dear friend reminds me..."first world problems"...LOL.

ChinUp, Thank you. I was in a pretty unhappy marriage for 20 years feeling "alone" for much of that time. I much prefer what I have now because at least the aloneness is peaceful, without the drama and stress of someone who is verbally abusive that you can never be "enough" for. I guess what I struggle with was that I had a taste of happiness for 9 months with him and then had it stripped away suddenly and without a lot of warning and no explanations. And he was a very good friend to me for the past 5 years after we reconnected. I spent a lot of time communicating with him and he was truthfully the only bright spot I had going on (even platonically) besides my kids. I miss his friendship so much. And I have no problems with the lawn-mowing itself...I'd just rather not have to fork over $300 for a lawnmower right now . I survived a very tough year full of changes and events that would have flattened many people so I'm grateful to still be hanging tough. And maybe at some point I'll actually be up to going out on a date (although my phone isn't exactly ringing off the hook right now)...

ChinUp...so gorgeous!!! We didn't get much snow in my part of the states this winter and my grass is already growing to the point that I'm going to have to go buy a lawnmower very soon (ugh!). It's going on 6 months without hearing from him at all. Not one word. In a way, I am getting used to it but I'm not sure I will ever fully get over it. In my lifetime there have been a very select few I have connected with in this way and I'm not counting on the fact that there will ever be anyone else. I mean, there could be, but I'm not really counting on it. So that itself is a pretty devastating thought to think about...being by myself. I suppose it is a better choice than being in a marriage with someone who is verbally abusive, etc. At least now I have peace.

So happy to hear this Raven. It must have brought you so much joy that he trusted that moment with you!

His daughter tweeted something last night that spoke to me..."You will never be enough for a person who isn't ready. It's nothing personal, they just can't be what you need them to be." Gulp....

I know Raven. I want to do everything I can to support him but there's nothing I can do from 1500 miles away with no contact from him. He has chosen to go through this on his own without me. We had another circumstance late in June that was a precursor to all of this. His mother had a heart issue and she had to have a stent put in. He went AWOL for a few days and when I finally did hear from him he said "this is all me...nothing to do with you...I don't do well when things are bad...I don't want to burden you with it...etc". When I told him it wasn't a burden and to please not shut me out he replied "I won't .... I've been solo for so many years. I'm used to handling things on my own but I'll get there". So I just hope my vibes somehow reach him and he knows I still care...it's all I can do at this point.

Thank you KayC for the words of affirmation and vote of confidence. It means a lot to me! Hugs!

Thank you - I appreciate your perspective and will try to keep it in mind to move forward.

Thank you ChinUp. Although I sent him a DM through Instagram in February and another brief email, I really think this email brought me closer to the closure that he never gave me. And I could be totally off base. Maybe his grief has nothing to do with it. I have a male friend who has told me very frankly on a number of occasions that he doesn't deserve my tears, that he probably hasn't given me a 2nd thought and has probably already slept with 2-3 women. And for all I know, maybe he is right. But I would rather give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that his grief played a huge role in him cutting off all communication with me without explanation. I haven't heard from him since that day (October 7th). We met when we were 14, sending each other letters through snail mail for 5 years. That culminated with long distance phone calls my senior year and me inviting him to come to my state as my prom date. The prom date never happened as my friends were applying some fierce peer pressure wanting me to take a guy I had just began dating who was friends with all of their dates. And not wanting X to be treated badly by them and a fear of the unknown of what might transpire between me and him, I called and cancelled on him. That ended our friendship until he reconnected with me 22 years later in 2010. And we jumped right back into an easy (albeit long distance) friendship for 4 years, messaging 3-4 times a week. That all changed at the end of 2014 when he came to see me while I was visiting CA for my daughter's tournament. It was platonic but I really enjoyed his company. The silence between us sitting on the sidelines was comfortable in a way I've never experienced before with anyone. We crossed that proverbial friend line a few months later (in feelings only, not physically) and talked/messaged nearly everyday for 9 months. We had plans to go to San Francisco together for my birthday in early Oct. (never happened because of Dad's death in early August) and then CA again for Thanksgiving (never happened because he disappeared in Oct). I know exactly how you feel going from that communication and connection everyday to nothing. It is devastating. I might add that I began the divorce process with my husband in April (completely unrelated) so it was a very very tough year for me. Divorce, moving twice, buying a house on my own, missing my kids and pets...and then of course, this. I am trying to be strong and there are good days and there are days I have setbacks. Today I had to complete my self-evaluation at work and to look back at the calendar for 2015 was rough because I had to relive all the events of those months over and over. I pray everyday that he contacts me...even just to be in my life as a friend only. I would gladly take it. He is that important to me. I thank you for taking the time to listen and be empathetic. I wish I had found this forum back in October because perhaps the realization that this happens quite frequently would have eased my pain somewhat sooner. I spent a lot of time analyzing the situation over and over, rereading all of our communication, texting him without a response, emailing him, and even sending him snail mail to try and reach him. Had I known now what I think was going on, I would have reacted differently. My craziness in those first 2 months probably drove him away for good. I hope he at least reads this email to realize that I understand and I've accepted it (well, somewhat). Maybe he will not feel that pressure from me 1500 miles away. The odds don't seem like they are in our favor for a return to status quo so I guess learning to live with it is all we can do.

Thank you KayC. I cried as I wrote it and I cry when I reread it?. I really do love and care about him that much. I highly doubt I will get a response from him. But it made me feel better to send it and to take the high road.

Hi, My story is too long and convoluted to go into great detail. The subject line tells most of it. The man I was involved with suddenly and without explanation cut off all communication with me 2 months after his dad died. Since finding this forum and reading others stories, I've come to realize that it had to be his grief. I have not heard one word from him since October and it had been a really hard time for me. I understand from reading other stories and responses from those of you that have been there that it's best not to contact them or have "relationship talk" if you do. Today I emailed him and I do not expect a response but for my own closure I felt like I needed to do it. I feel a little more at peace now. Here is what I wrote:"You once asked me what I'd do if you died. I replied that I knew what I wouldn't do. I wouldn't go back to (ex-husband). By saying that, I wanted you to know that my choice to be with you and love you was not a choice of convenience or distraction or flavor of the month. You had nothing to do with my decisions and actions I took. You really did die on October 7th and in doing so, it gave me a pretty good reality check into what you are experiencing with the loss of your sweet dad. Months and months walking around in a fog? Yes. Getting through the workday but no remembrance of what happened that day? Yes. Not wanting to talk to the people who are closest to you about it because you don't want to break down? Yes. Disbelief that this could even be happening? Thinking surely I'll wake up tomorrow to a phone call or some communication and this is all a temporary bad dream? Yes and yes. Having a list of things you need to do but not having the desire or energy to do it? Yes. Having the one you lost be the first thought when you wake up, the last thought before you sleep and every thought in between? Yes. Thinking of the would haves, could haves, should haves? Yes. Hoping that person knew you loved them with all your heart ? Yes. That achy feeling in your chest knowing you'll never see them or hear their voice again? Yes. The tears that come when you expect it and also when you least expect it, triggered by a memory, a smell, a song... Yes. Having something happen in your day that makes you laugh that you'd normally share with him and realize you can't anymore? Yes. Feeling like no one understands the pain you feel each and everyday as you go about your normal routine because it's been 5-6 months and this shouldn't be an issue anymore (but it is)? Yes. As the days go by you being reminded of "this time last year we did or said this" and it hurts that much more to experience those dates in time without him? Yes.I get it ______. I do understand more than you'll ever know. So finally, I get it. I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry that I didn't fully understand the pressure you were under and your inability to do much more than get through your workday. I know I demanded more from you and under the circumstances you just weren't able to give it. You know I felt bad for years and years for prom because I never wanted to hurt you. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to even contact you all those years and ask for your forgiveness and friendship back. I figured you hated me so I didn't even try. And when you told me it was forgiven in 2010, it was a weight off my shoulders...Well, I want you to know I think I understand and I don't want you to feel like I did about prom, ok? I want you to have the happiness and love and laughter that you deserve. I refuse to let anger and bitterness weigh me down. I prefer to try to understand it from your viewpoint and let love, understanding and compassion guide me. Please take care of yourself. And if you ever need an old friend to talk to, I am here. The email was sent this morning so obviously it's too late for a "take-back" but I just would like anyone's thoughts... Thank you...

Reading these posts makes me so sad because your situation is so similar to mine. His dad died unexpectedly in August of 2015. Communication after his dad passed became more sporadic. He was seeing a grief counselor, working a ton of hours (and working at the hospital where his dad passed which was like reliving it everyday) and we also were in a LDR (1500 miles). We too had reconnected after a 22 year absence (met him when I was 14 and we were "pen pals" throughout highschool). In my heart, I feel that he just emotionally couldn't do it anymore and I understand that. It just would have been nice to hear it from him, instead of just suddenly and completely cutting off all communication with me without any explanation. This morning he posted 9 new photos on Instagram. All of them were of his dad because it's his birthday so I know he is still engulfed in his grief.