Finch

Thanks everyone. I have an open mind based on a foundation of pretty strong skepticism and caution. I was alot more skeptical before Crystal died and I wonder how much of what I am seeking is out of desperation and not being able to get the answers I want from elsewhere. I don't know if it's right. Can't hurt to explore it I guess.... or maybe it can. I think any reading I have would not be in person. Especially if it is with an American medium as I am in the UK! And I'm not sure how it works but I don't intend to reveal much about the nature of my relationship beforehand so they'd have to be pretty damn good to surreptitiously mine notable details (unless they read this forum!). Sigh.

Thanks Cheryl. I will let you know if anything comes of it. Thanks Marty, I will check them out.

Do any of you have experiences with Mediums? Good or bad. I imagine this has been discussed before on the forums. I also guess if it was that easy and fullproof, many would use them. I don't really believe in it personally... I think. It's more out of desperation that I want to use one. Just for that slim chance of connecting. I am worried though it might make things worse.

Hi Janet, very sorry to hear about Bob. I hope you find some comfort here, there are so many kind people who will listen to you.

I can't wait for the day that grief triggers become healing triggers, if that day comes. I know it requires hard work, bravery and pain to get to that point. All 3 of those are so tiring.

This is nice.

Thanks WolfsKat. I know Crystal would call me silly for dwelling on the might have beens. I just wish I could her hear say it, just once. it would make things so much easier. It's funny how something like that could make everything so much better. Kay, I didn't mean that the death itself was a punishment, I would never think something like that. For me or anyone. Rather I meant that the consequences I deal with now in grieving her feel like... Well, they ARE a situation somewhat of my own creation. Not meeting her in life. Not becoming a real life couple... And now I will forever remain the secret that I was. That is my punishment for not giving her everything she wanted from me. There were times in our relationship where she was ready to drop everything to be with me and this would have brought everything out in the open. But why does that matter? I still would have lost her. Why do I keep obsessing about her life there? I just get so frustrated and angry. At myself, mainly. It's not her poor family's fault that I am in this situation. It just feels so unfair and WRONG that I have to grieve in the shadows like this. Like I am banging on a one way mirror. But I can't argue with reality. I was not married to her. Someone else was. They are not my family or friends or children. The connection to her life was completely severed when she died. It's tough to not be able to cling on a bit to the things that were important in her life. Even something as minor as knowing how her dogs are. I used to know how her dogs were every single day! I am trying. I still have alot of guilt and regret... it's very powerful. I have been trying to work through it slowly. I don't want it to define my relationship with Crystal though. That would do a great disservice to what we had. I should not let it. I hate dwelling on these obsessions or these negative thoughts. They are 1% compared to 99% of joy, happiness and good memories we shared. But they are there nagging at me, and it feels like I have to find some way to answer them. I think talking it through is one way to chip away at it, either with friends and family, to my counsellor or on here. It is harder because we likely would have met one day. We had often talked about it, joked about it. It may even have happened this year. But then she died so suddenly. A stolen future. Thanks Marita, that's so nice of you to say. I contacted the local paper of her home town this week and they got back to me with her obituary from January. I read through it and broke down. It was lengthy and it talked about her and all the people that loved her and what she meant to them, one by one. One of the things that hit me hardest was that there was so much about her, the Crystal I knew, that deserves to be shouted from the rooftops but was not mentioned. And why would it be? They did not know the Crystal I knew. She was something else to them. It's like our relationship happened in another dimension, another life. Which I guess, in a way, it did. Maybe that's why it was so special to both of us. It feels a bit like I am living in the 'Upside Down', from Stranger Things, if any of you have seen that show. An analogy for grief in general perhaps. It was also, 8 months on, the first time I had been able to see an official notification of her death. 8 months on. Seeing it there in black and white, was quite bracing. Like, before, her death had happened somewhere in the ether. Not quite 100% real. But there it was. Undeniable proof. And only from acquiring the information like some kind of mediocre and slightly incompetent private detective.

Tremendous photo.

I understand what you are saying Marty. Her spirit is always there with me. I know that she would not care about me going to the grave. She would be proud of me for flying to America for sure though. To a degree though I feel like finding her grave is something I must do, it is a very powerful driving force I feel within me as something I owe to her and myself. I feel so frustrated and sometimes quite angry that I have to hide my love for her from people. We never met when she was alive... The guilt and regret I have about that is still unspeakably strong. Actually physically going to her grave would feel like a way of chipping away at that guilt I think. But then I become angry at myself that it takes her death for me to finally go over there. I sometimes wonder if this is my punishment. That now I have to live with the consequence of never meeting her. That I deserve to live in this purgatory of invisibility. I also know this line of thinking does a huge disservice to 12 years of love, joy, support and friendship. We needed each other. I have plenty of evidence of how much I meant to her, and most importantly I know it in my heart. So I should try not to let the negative things feel bigger than everything that was good about us. I want to thank everyone for their comments and practical advice, even if it is hard for me to accept some of it, it means a lot to me and I respect it greatly that you would take the time to comment even while dealing with your own losses.

Thanks all. I am realising that I can't have much of a correspondence with the father. I really just want to find out a couple of things and then I'll probably leave it there. Believe me, I truly, truly do not want to cause them distress. I have been struggling with this for 8 months, weighing up how to approach things in a way that gives me what I need but doesn't bring unfair hurt to them. Unrealistically seeing this as some sort of magic pill that was going to make things somehow easier. But it hasn't in the way I hoped. I have sent 2 messages so far and have played it very safe, not really hinting at anything other than a penpal friendship. I've tried Googling her name to find the grave, so far with no success. All I found so far was a Cancer leaflet from Georgia which had an 'In Memory Of' section dedicated to her and a bunch of names. That was hard to look at. Seeing people that knew her pay tribute to her when I cannot is so hard. One fear I have is that she might be buried at the new house. If that's the case, then I will never be able to visit her.

Thanks Marty. I remember that link, I did give it a read when you first posted it but I will do so again as my head is in a different place than a few months ago. I have actually been seeing a grief counselor for several months. It's helped me to process things to a degree and work through some stuff, particularly the regret side of things. I am also scheduled to have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in a few months. In addition to feeling like my grief is not publicly recognised/sanctioned as you say, I have so many unanswered questions surrounding the week she died. It's not just that I didn't get to say goodbye, alot of people don't get to say goodbye. It's also the fact that it all happened in another place with other people round her while I went crazy trying desperately to find out but not able to because I was a secret. So many things I want to know, feel I NEED to know, things it's normal for a loved one to know, but can never really ask and have to accept that. I will never know in any detail how her last days and hours were, and it feels like not knowing that betrays the significance of our love, betrays her and makes a mockery of our relationship. In terms of rituals, there is a tree that I go to in a woods in a local park in absence of not being able to visit her grave. I carved her initial into it. I have also written to her on occasion. None of it feels enough though. Contacting her father was supposed to be a big step forward in this respect.

I appreciate your opinion and input on the matter. I don't want to add to anyone's pain. I don't want to do anything that even has a chance of causing any distress to her children. I don't want to add to or complicate anyone else's grief. I have no wish to engage in any way with the husband. He knows more than enough about me anyway. I am just struggling in finding my way through dealing with this unusual situation. I feel like I am being denied the ability to properly grieve her or deal with the loss of her, through the impractical circumstance of our unconventional relationship, which I accept is a situation of my own creation, for not being brave enough to meet her and for us not ending up physically with each other. Her family played no part in that and it's not fair to punish them for my faults. I am having to accept that I am now cut off entirely from her life. I will no longer play any significant part in in any aspect of it. I have to absorb the pain and the loneliness of this big void in my life, the severing of a limb, and try not to redirect it towards those who do not deserve it. They are experiencing their own pain, their own despair, their own regrets, their own void, their own grief at losing a beloved mother and daughter. So I get what you are saying. I need to make sure I consider their needs and... suck it up. But, yes, I do feel it was very real. I know it was real. It was as real a relationship as it could be, to both of us. We were there for each other, every single day, for 12 years, in virtually every way possible. It was unconventional, for sure. Unusual, probably. Odd, perhaps. But there was nothing that was not real about our love for each other. It was beautiful. I will die knowing it was as real as anyone else's love. And if she had not died, we would one day have physically met. I would have finally gathered up the courage to do it. We were getting there. We were speaking on the phone, on Skype. Breaking down my anxieties. Getting closer to finally reaching that moment. The moment we both dreamed about and talked about and joked about. She even came to London on vacation once, with her mother in law... and I stood outside her window, looking up to her as she looked down at me. That's how close we came. I'm such an idiot. That was the moment I keep replaying in my head, the moment I should have been brave enough. There were supposed to be more moments like that in the future. I waited too long.

I dread to think about her husband going through our letters and emails and her phone etc. Reading our personal correspondence. It makes me feel sick. But as her husband it's his right I guess. They didn't love each other. Like, love love. He even saw another woman for a while himself.

Thanks WolfsKat and KATPILOT for your words of advice about being cautious. I realise this is the sensible approach. I decided not to let on at all about the true nature of my relationship with Crystal, at least not now. It's not fair on her father to drop such a bombshell, especially when he is heavily grieving himself. He was so kind to me in his initial reply and didn't seem at all taken aback when I said I was a penpal who corresponded with her for many years. He said it was a blessing to know she had this friendship and had so many good friends near and far. I just feel so sad and frustrated like I am behind a window or one way mirror, banging on it and the rest of Crystal's family and friends are on the other side going about their lives. Here I am, actually exchanging messages with Crystal's father... and yet I can't truly be me. I am having to exercise such restraint. It feels a bit like I am walking a tightrope in trying to balance what I am saying to him. I have drafted a reply to his reply and re-written it one hundred times. Every time I take a step back and read it through objectively, I have to ask myself.... would someone who was just a friend say this? Is it normal for someone who says he is a penpal that never met her, to ask where her grave is so he can visit it if he ever visits the US? Is it normal to ask how her dogs are or the new house is? I don't see why not. I just need to make sure that I don't get carried away and overdo it. I know that I am the only person that can truly judge what to say and what is appropriate.

I am tired of being this diminished version of me. I feel like I'm in a marathon that I was running, but now I'm crawling along the ground for the rest of the way.

Sorry to hear your story Tideland. You did what you thought was right. You did your best for your husband.

Thanks. It's a tough balancing act. And yes... the validation we had between us should be enough... but I need more. I'm not even sure what it is I am seeking specifically. It feels like I am grasping for some kind of continuation of connection to the things in her life.

Hello. Me again.I am facing a dilemma.It is now 7 months since I lost Crystal. I waited and waited and waited, but now, I have finally contacted her father via Facebook. I was not sure if he knew about me or not, but from his reply, it appears he didn't. Crystal seemingly kept our relationship entirely secret, apart from her husband knowing, none of her other family or friends knew.Crystal had given me his contact details should we ever lose touch, so she clearly was ok with me contacting him. I waited so long because I didn't want to cause him stress or complicate his own grieving. But finally, I felt the time was right. I was so worried he wouldn't reply, but he did.In my message I said we were friends/penpals that over the years exchanged letters, emails and gifts, and shared things in our lives. I didn't want to go any heavier on details than that because I don't want to cause him any undue stress or cause any problems. He thanked me for my words and was really, really nice. He is happy for me to message him again and seemed to be encouraging it. He also said how much pain he is in and how his focus is now entirely on her kids. When he said this I really wanted to open up to him and tell him how much I actually care about Crystal and her family. I don't know how much of our relationship to imply to him. I feel so strongly that I need him to know that I am more than just another friend, that I watched her kids grow up from afar. I feel so invisible, ethereal, like our relationship never happened and I feel like it's so unfair that it's not acknowledged or known by anyone in her life. It still feels like until I do something about this, I'll have no closure. Her husband will have likely completely swept any trace of me under the carpet. I keep imagining him destroying or throwing away all the letters and things I sent her over the years. That hurts alot. I guess I cannot blame him. I want to really share in her dad's grief by letting him know just how much I miss her as well. I want to be part of it. I want to tell him all the wonderful stories she told me about her family. Or send him photos she sent me that maybe he hasn't seen. I kept the sending of this message as a beacon of hope in my head, like once I finally sent it, somehow things would be so much better. It's certainly made things feel more real, actually connecting with him. I recognise though that I might cause alot of trouble if I open up about everything. And the very last thing I want to do is cause stress to the family, especially the kids. And if Crystal didn't mention me then she must have wanted it to stay secret. And it would doubtless be a shock to him. Some stranger knowing everything about her life. All things considered, his reply could have been alot worse, especially if he did know about me. It's just that this was something I was working towards, and now I've done it, I don't know what I am supposed to aim for next. I'm fairly sure he'll tell me where she was laid to rest if I ask. At least there is that. I need to know that.

I dread weekends too. I often find myself, like I am right now, in a local cafe with my laptop, doing some work. That's part of my 'new abnormal'. Because work is the only thing that I can focus on to any great degree. Currently there are no couples in the cafe. I am grateful for this as I don't want to hate their guts just for being couples. Having said I am focusing on my work, I have actually not been doing any work... I've been writing and re-writing an email that I have been writing and re-writing for several months, that I plan to send to Crystal's father. And I am also posting on this forum. Ah well. Gwen, I can relate to that feeling of wondering if they ever existed. I never physically met Crystal, and I can't refer to memories of what it felt like to hold her hand or hug her or kiss her. This will haunt me till my end. Although I have plenty of material evidence she existed. 12 years worth of emails, letters, videos, pictures, voice memos, gifts. And, I guess, me myself. Or at least who I was before she died. Because she was part of who I was, as I was part of who she was. In my heart, until the day that I die. Gwen, maybe this is the same with you and Steve? He will never leave your heart, even if it is broken, he is in there 24/7 365 days a year. So there.

I am home from work. I turned the place upside down. I found it. In a totally unexpected place. I have no idea how it got there. Burst into tears when I found it. Tears of relief and sadness. I'm so bleeping relieved. Small victories I guess.

Forever His, I didn't realise you are in the UK. Have you contacted Cruse? That is the organisation I am seeing my grief counselor through. It's free but there is usually a waiting list for in person therapy but worth registering with them. They have a phone counseling service too but I didn't find that so helpful. My therapist visits my house for the sessions and I've been seeing him for several months, weekly. http://www.cruse.org.uk/

I have misplaced a necklace/band that Crystal sent me years ago. I had it next to a photo of her on a cabinet. I also remember taking it out with me on a walk a few months ago, just so I could hold sonething of hers in my hand. But I was sure I put it back on the cabinet afterwards. I absolutely cannot lose it, it's so precious to me, like everything I have of hers. Things I can touch. Things that meant something between us. I have to go to work now so I'll be worrying about it all day. I feel like if I can't find it, I'm done.

I have felt like giving up. I hope that you are able to derive some hope from your son. Can I ask what kind of therapist you are seeing? Maybe consider changing therapists if the one you are seeing is not helping at all. Is this person specifically a grief counselor?

Hi Butch, I don't have anything to say other than... I don't even know, but I wanted to post in this thread just to show I am thinking of you and relate to your pain.

Forever X, I too would switch doctors. That was extremely inappropriate and unprofessional behaviour on her part.