Finch

I couldn't be less of a quilter if I tried but the memory quilt sounds like a lovely idea, Marita. I tried to start whittling a couple of months ago. I bought a book and a proper whittling knife. Haven't quite managed to get into it to the degree I wanted.

I have become alot more forgetful I think. I thought it might be the medication I am on. I forgot my mum's birthday, and my sister's birthday. I am usually very good with birthdays.

Hi Marita, Thanks very much for thinking of me. I am now back in the UK. I arrived back last night. The flight was ok. Looking back on the trip, it was very emotional, with both happy and sad moments. I am glad that I did it and I experienced alot of things. I'm glad I survived it. I asked Crystal if she was proud of me for making the trip. I hope she is. I know she would be. I thought about her non-stop and kept imagining her there with me. Every moment. I used to do that anyway wherever I went. Given that she was never there physically. I always imagined what it would be like to hold her hand. When I reached the top of the Fushimi Inari mountain (with the orange gates), I wrote her a message in my notebook telling her I did it for her and that I love her. I also prayed at the Shrine even though I'm not really a praying person. I also bought a fairly tacky orange gate souvenir. It would have made her smile. I loved buying her things. She would get so excited. I feel a bit in limbo now I am back! Not sure what to do with myself.

Thanks Marita and Kay. I really appreciate the support. Marita, I'm glad you keep getting up and I send positive thoughts to you to support you in this. I can relate to the guilt feelings. Kay... yes. it is so hard to learn. I guess this trip is my first big learning curve since I lost her. The first big thing I've done without her. I am finding moments I enjoy, for sure, when I live in the moment and don't think too much about the bigger picture. It's just it's hard not to think. And it's hard to change the reflex habit in my head to want to tell Crystal about everything I see or do. It's so lonely and sad and just WRONG without her. It's so hard to look at something beautiful or magical or fun. Because there wasn't a day in 12 years I didn't share those things with her. And then I start feeling the regrets about what could have been with our relationship and it spirals from there. I am a bit proud of myself for making this trip, even though it is hard to admit. Tomorrow I'm visiting the Fushimi Inari Shrine, in Kyoto. It's a series of thousands of giant orange gates over a path leading up a mountain and temple. That particular Shrine inspired an art installation in Central Park in New York in 2005 - which was one of Crystal's favourites. Some art pieces she got very passionate about. That was one of them. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gates#Inspirations I think it's going to be really emotional to go there and to climb that mountain. But I just have to do this for her. I can't come all the way to Japan and not go to the place that inspired one of her favourite art pieces. She would fuss at me so much. I have to get through it. I've come this far.

Hi. I'm trying to stay strong. I'm finding this so hard at times. I miss her so much. I hate having all these experiences without her. It just feels so wrong, do you know what I mean? There is so much I want to share with her. I am in Kyoto at the moment. It's such a romantic city.

All the best to you Butch. All the very best.

Hi, I am in Japan, landed yesterday. Thank you Marita. And Marty. I really appreciate your words. The flight went OK. It was a smooth flight. I didn't sleep but I managed my anxieties fairly well. My first day in Japan was very busy with business meetings. As I thought, I do have alot of sadness at all the new things I am seeing, because I can't share them with my best friend. As soon as I got off the plane and landed on Japanese ground, I wanted to send her a 'Marco' text and tell her I love her. I wish so much she could see me do the things I am doing. It just feels so off without her. I've never done anything like this. How can my Crystal not be a part of this new experience? It's wrong. Every photo I take that I can't send to her and that I instead send to my family or other friends feels almost like I am betraying her. Because I would always send her everything first. I know that's silly. Every new thing I see. Which is basically everything, because everything is so different here! She loved Snoopy. I had a weird Japanese Snoopy banana chocolate pancake dessert last night. It made me cry. I was sad. But I did also smile a bit because I imagined her laughing and smiling at me eating it. And teasing me. Today I have a presentation thing that I am doing that I so wish I could tell her about. She'd be so proud of me for making it this far. I love her so much. Please be in my heart. Thanks everyone for letting me vent this.

At airport, plane leaves shortly. I feel so sad doing well his without her. With my work colleagues though, should keep my mind busy.

Thoughts are with you Mitch, on this difficult day.

Thank you, that's very nice of you to suggest. I will.

Flying over Iceland, I can imagine that was quite an experience. I would like to go there one day. I'm actually starting to feel ok about the flight itself, I think. Though that might be the meds kicking in. Security isn't that much of a hassle in the UK. Not sure about Tokyo. I imagine neither is as stringent as in the US, or Israel. The sadness though is hitting me hard now as the trip gets closer. The being in a foreign land, without her just a text away to give me her reassuring words or laugh at my pictures or send her love. She was always there, on my shoulder. I'll feel so alone. I can text my family or friends but it's just not the same. Any time one of us would travel somewhere, we'd text the other 'Marco', as in 'Marco Polo', to which the other would reply 'Polo'. Just a quick text so we knew the other had landed safely. I'm so scared of how it will feel to want to text her but not be able to. It's made worse because One of the last things she texted me was Polo to let me know she was ok, in response to my Marco, and that she loves me, on one of the last days she was lucid before she died. It's just bringing back alot of raw feelings. I miss you so much Crystal.

Thank you kay, Gin and Marita. Yes, I guess life does present us with changes we have to face at some point. I hope I am ready. I'm so sorry Marita at how tough yesterday must have been for you. Flight is tomorrow. I've got all sorts of meds. I'm so afraid of doing this without her. It's the first big thing in my life in 12 years I will be doing without her. I'm so desperately sad I can't share it with her. I'm battling so much anxiety and panic, and alongside this just the blanket sadness. I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it or survive it at all. It's supposed to be part business, part holiday. I can imagine seeing all these amazing things and only being able to think that I can't show them to my beautiful love. I have to keep telling myself she is proud of me and will be with me in my heart. Will hold my hand.

I'm so glad you experienced those warm feelings with Jack in your dream JHCP, however brief. I have had one or two dreams where Crystal was still alive and it had all been a big mistake. It felt so real and so bewilderingly happy. Then that feeling when you wake up...

Hi, I am finding things very tough at the moment. I am due to fly out to Japan on business in two days. I have never been on a flight longer than 2 and a half hours in my life, never out of Europe. I am not an adventurous person and have many anxieties. But since I lost Crystal all such anxieties have amplified infinity fold (it feels like). It was always my dream that my first long distance flight would be to America. To see Crystal and hug her... touch her for the first time. When I finally gathered the courage. Why did I have to be so afraid? I have immense sorrow that she is not around to see me do this trip. She was always so proud of me when I overcame any anxiety, and was my cheerleader. Every time I got on a flight or went somewhere. I would text her as soon as I landed. She would do the same whenever she went somewhere. I would send her pictures and videos every step of the way. She was always with me. In my pocket. It feels so wrong to do this without her. I've been constantly telling myself that she would be so happy that I was going to Japan. That she would scold me for not going. This is the first major thing I am doing in my life without her at my side (metaphorically speaking) since I lost her. It's only been 6 months. I feel so guilty, like I should not be doing it. Like I have to wait a year or 2 years before I do anything. Do any of you ever feel this way? When you need to do big things in your life without your loved one there for the first time? I'm sure you must. My anxieties and panic are out of control and alot of the raw feelings I felt when she first died are resurfacing. I fear I will panic as soon as I set down in Tokyo and have a heart attack. I have medication. If she were here to support me and tell me she loves me, I'd feel so much better. I checked the Facebook pages of her Mother in Law today. It seems the whole family has moved into the new house Crystal was designing before she died. It hurts so much to see her dream house finally built, but without her there to enjoy it with her kids. I'm so angry. I shouldn't have looked. It kills me to do so. I feel so adrift of the things that are happening in the lives of her family that I was always privy to. She told me everything first. I've lost her, and lost any connection to her life that might make the grieving a bit easier.

I am very sorry to hear about Miss Mocha. She looks lovely from her photo.

I will try. Forever does feel pretty damn insurmountable. A therapist of mine a long time ago wrote down the Serenity Prayer for me on a piece of paper. I have it in a drawer. Although I do not really pray, I do appreciate its meaning. I wish I could harness it more.

I had an awful panic attack this morning as soon as I woke up. The first thought that entered my head was I remembered that Crystal was gone. I kept asking Crystal over and over to tell me everything was going to be ok. Hyperventilating, heart racing, grabbing at the sheets, tears streaming down my face. It kept going even after I got out of bed and during my shower. And afterwards. I think part of the problem is the feeling of helplessness, that nothing in my mind can logically conclude my panic with a satisfactory resolution - the only satisfactory resolution being to somehow bring her back to me, but I know I can't, so I feel trapped with no way out. I will try the positive self-talk.I find it hard to see the step in front of me sometimes. And in the middle of the attack, it just feels so overwhelming. And thinking about it one day at a time is hard too, because it feels like this is everything that I am. That now I am defined by this and will be forever. It's a horrifying thought. Ha... I guess that's actually the opposite of thinking one day at a time. I look in the mirror and just see fear and no hope. Meditation may be the long term answer. T2Logan, I get the low level hum that lasts much of the day. I feel it right now. Also like a lead weight in the stomach. Have not tried the scent/sounds approach. I am willing to try kayc, I am not surprised you are so familiar with anxiety given everything you have been through. I'm glad that you personally find walking in nature to reduce your stress and give you perspective. It used to be one of my very favourite things to do and since I lost Crystal I have done very little of it. I am scared to be alone with my thoughts because of how sad and dark they can get. However I took your advice and went for a walk this morning. And yes, it was tough. I cried. And I did alot of talking to Crystal. Maybe I think though, that it was a little cathartic. I'm glad I did it. I saw some sheep. She adored sheep. I would send her pictures of sheep all the time, especially on my nature walks. She didn't see many sheep in Georgia.

Thank you kayc. So, an update. My Doctor told me to double my dosage of diazepam to combat the anxiety. I tried this and it calmed me for a bit... but the anxiety returned shortly later and maintained for most of the day. She also increased my dosage of anti-depressant (Sertraline). Maybe this will kick in sooner. Also scheduled an appointment to see her next week. I realise it takes time, and that it has taken you years of hard work to get where you are, and it's only been 4 months for me. I just... right now I don't know if I am a strong enough person to handle how bad this feels. Or it feels like I am not strong enough. Like it is inevitable that it will defeat me. You say it's tough but doable... and I do believe that, logically, in my brain. But my heart doesn't feel it. It's so exhausting fighting it and it feels neverending. And now I don't even know if I am referring to the anxiety or the depression or the guilt or the regrets or the loneliness or the grief or just everything in total. It's hard to delineate them at times. Like fighting several battles at once, but they are also all the same battle. I should stay focused on the anxiety as that's what this topic is about. One thing at a time, Finch. Another bad panic attack this morning on waking. I do wake suddenly. Maybe I need to find a way to wake less suddenly, to make waking up less jarring. Maybe this will translate to less panic. Crystal would hate to see me like this and I don't want to let her down.

Hi barb, The constant heart racing, shaking, mind racing, nervous system on overdrive, feeling scared and isolated - I do get that at the moment. During the attacks, I relive the loss and can't find a way to resolve it in my head, because I know the person I lost is not coming back, so there is no logical solution to resolve the panicking. And this in turn makes the panic and anxiety worse. The severity of the anxiety varies but there is always a constant undercurrent of it. It has been 4 months for me. Incidentally I have also had some lower back pain in these last few months, sporadically, like you. Probably coincidence. Thanks for sharing your story, it helped me to read your experience. I hope you find some support here on this forum. You should not feel alone in this.

Yes, (most of) my family knows, and my friends. And my grief counselor. So I do have people I can talk to. And here. I should be grateful that I can talk openly about it in that way. And I am. I am so sorry you didn't get to say goodbye as well, in those circumstances, and anyone else in a similar situation that is reading this. Seeing that you and the other people in this place are finding a way forward, even years on, and even despite the struggles you have faced and the unresolved things you have to live with, gives me cause for hope. I am just struggling to grasp onto that hope at the moment, the anxiety has taken me over from top to bottom. I'm feeling panic as I type this. It feels too much to physically take, even moments where I feel like I am going to die from it. I am speaking with my doctor later today, hopefully she can advise me about some more anti-anxiety medication.

Thank you kayc. Yes... I feel like the complications over losing Crystal have made everything far worse, have amplified the anxiety by an order of magnitude. And the sudden-ness with which it happened, and my inability to be there when it did. No goodbye. And all the guilt and regret I have. I have so many unresolved things going on in my head. I lost the love of my life and I sometimes feel like my grief isn't worth anything because noone in her life knows about it. I feel totally lost. It's never-ending. I still haven't been in touch with her father. I think that might help me, to reconnect with her life and maybe get some answers to some questions I have. If he is receptive. I'm just waiting for the right time, I want to give him space and also don't want to do it when I am at a low point in case I say more than I should. Some people at my place of work know I've been through a bereavement, but not details.

I'm really struggling with this. It's so bad. It carries on through the day. Just got to keep going.

Thanks kayc. I will hang in there. It feels like it's getting worse before it gets better but I have read that this is sometimes the case. I have an app on my phone that does 10 minute meditations, called 'Headspace'. I've been trying that.

Marty, thanks. I did tell my doctor about the morning panic attacks. The first set of anti-depressants she prescribed did actually have a positive effect on them.. mornings became a bit calmer - however I stopped taking them due to many bad side effects. The new ones I am on apparently don't start to kick in until the 4 week mark. I started them last week. I'm hoping that when they do, mornings will get easier again. It just feels like, at the moment, that they won't. The other ones had some sedative properties that these ones don't.... maybe it was the sedative properties that were the calming influence. I am also taking some diazepam specifically to take the edge off anxiety during the day, but it's a very small dosage. I could ask about increasing it. I feel like I do need to seek the medical option here. kayc, sorry to hear that. I have occasionally woken up in the middle of the night with a panic, usually after an intense nightmare. enna, thanks alot for those links, I will give them a look. I have tried breathing and meditation but so far I can't focus enough to control it. As soon as I wake, I feel like I am going to die.

I know there have been a few topics about anxiety. But do any of you suffer from very pronounced panic attacks and/or anxiety specifically from the moment you wake up? I wake up almost every morning with this deep and powerful sense of dread rushing through me, reminding myself afresh of my grief and loss, end of the world type feelings - 'I can't do this' etc, and this is accompanied by intense anxiety and panic. Everything is amplified.. As I get out of bed and start the day, these feelings slowly subside, but while they last, they feel unbearable. As I write this I am still feeling it and I'm scared that this is how I will now feel every morning for the rest of my life.