19andlost

So in about a couple weeks, it will be the 3 month anniversary of my boyfriend's passing. I am still always very sad, even when I am laughing or smiling. The sadness is deep and sometimes it resurfaces and the pain still resembles the pain I felt in the first couple days. I still cry almost everyday and when I am alone the unbearable pain finds me. Additionally, my friends and family don't understand. My parents want to see me happy so badly so I feel as though they are another set of people I have to put on a fake face to. My friends have stopped asking about me and it seems as though they have forgotten. Everyone assumes I am doing just fine, when I am not. I am not okay and I won't be for awhile. It hasn't even been three months and some people still ask why I am sad. People still wonder why I have bad days and don't want to go out. What are my friends and family going to do when it has been 6 months and I am still sad and heartbroken? It is exhausting to put on a fake face and now I feel that I have to in front of my closest friends and family. I feel even more alone. My boyfriend was my best friend and he was someone I knew I could count on. I knew I could be myself in front of him and never had to put on a fake face. Now he has left me and I am so alone. I feel so lonely and it terrifies me to think this will only get worse as time goes on and more and more people start to forget.

I've had some really hard past couple days. My best friend was close to my boyfriend who passed away recently. She had a dream about him. In the dream, she had asked Nate (my boyfriend who passed away) about me and he responded by saying that he loves me very much and that he wants me to be happy. Both her and I feel it was a visitation dream and that he came to visit her. Although the dream was supposed to bring some comfort, I feel that he had no right to tell me to be happy. How can he possibly think I can be happy with him gone? I feel that he is happy wherever he is and he is okay, and I am so glad for him but I am so far from being happy. I am so far from being okay and the fact that he doesn't understand how much I am grieving for him breaks me. He knew me better than anyone and the fact that he thinks I can just be happy hurts me. I wonder if he's totally fine without me, if he even grieves for me and the future we were supposed to have. I know this sounds selfish and I feel like a bad person for being so upset that he doesn't hurt for me, but I can't help but cry when I think that I am truly suffering and he couldn't care less. I feel as though he doesn't understand why I haven't stopped crying for him. I have cried about his loss for so many reasons, but the past few days I have cried because I feel that the Nate that is in heaven, isn't the Nate I fell in love with. My Nate would grieve for me. My Nate would be angry and devastated that our time was so brutally cut short. He would understand my pain. However, the Nate that still exists is different and I am so utterly sad. I haven't stopped crying the past three days. I am exhausted from crying and being so sad and not being able to find comfort in anything. I keep longing to feel his presence, see him in a dream, but nothing has happened. I truly feel like he has abandoned me. He said he loves me, but he doesn't show me and instead leaves me to grieve by myself. I am sorry if what I wrote made no sense and was all over the place.

I am 19 years old and a month ago I lost my boyfriend to a car accident. He passed away while asleep in the passenger seat. He was with his mom and one of his college friends and they both survived with barely a scratch. This boy was the love of my life and although I know I am young, he was one of the most perfect people I've ever met. We had a future planned with each other. I find myself so lucky to be loved by him, but I am so tired of being sad. Sad is not even an accurate word to describe what I am truly feeling. People will tell me that with time I will stop being sad and I will move on, but I do not want to move on. I do not want to ever stop loving him and I don't want to lose someone who was so important to my every day life. I feel like a part of me is missing and it is so unbearable to think that he is gone. I just want him to come back and tell me everything is going to be okay and that he still loves me. I never got to say goodbye and it kills me inside. I am young and many of my friends have never experienced a death like this before so I find myself so lost and alone. He was someone I talked to everyday and I depended on him.