Siotara

Sorry for your loss too George, 600 days is a fraction of time, thanks for reaching out. So much heartache here and so much support for those aching hearts too......

Thank you for your soothing words Mitch, rdownes and WolfsKat. Offering kindness and reaching out is very appreciated at this lonely lonely time.

Dear Patty65, thanks for your reply, my eys filled with tears reading it. Its very touching to know I'm not alone in my experience. And your loss is so recent too so my heart goes out to you too. And thank you to KayC, MargM, BillT and Gin for your kind words too....yes we are all traveling this path of love and loss and it is surely one of the hardest things to do in life but good to look around and see you all there.... Siotara.

My partner of 11 years, Pete, died 8 weeks ago. 8th August 2016. He was a healthy, deeply spiritual and creative 62 yr old and only had a bit of breathlessness a few weeks before diagnosis. We met dancing, we both loved dancing and he was a musician, making digital dance music on his computer until very recently.... I am18 years younger than him and am the only person amongst my friends who has lost a partner, many have not even lost a parent yet. I feel on another planet to them.... Pete had just 2 months from the cancer diagnosis till he died here in our home during our wedding ceremony. He couldn't complete the words needed for the ceremony so it didn't happen, I wish we had done it sooner of course but way more important than getting married was the way he asked me a few days before, with barely any strength to speak, I was so moved by him and was able to say such a deep hearted 'Yes' - that was much more important and profound to me than the legal part in the end.... What it did mean though was his whole family were here plus two friends of ours plus two registrars. 9 people in our living room here for a wedding but instead ended up witnessing him die. I think we all thought he had longer, maybe a couple of weeks, I know i did......It was shocking to witness the last 15 minutes of his life, gasping for air, flailing arms. It was not a gentle slipping away. I was right by his side though whispering "don't worry sweetheart, just let go, it's ok" of course i had gone into auto pilot to do that and had kinda left my body to be in service to him but I was glad to have been there and been able to try and reassure him even though I was simultaneously in shock. For weeks afterwards I couldn't sleep as images kept flashing from his last few moments. I had cared for him day and night for his last few weeks as his deterioration was so rapid and fast and we had little to no professional help as they were still applying for his care package when he died. After 8 weeks of trying to save his life (or at least prolong it) with juicing and all kinds of alternative protocols, living in a state of extreme anxiety feeling like time was running out but still trying my best, I'm left exhausted and under weight with the shock of him going. The adrenaline and overwhelm of the last 2 months of his life and then the whole commotion when someone dies at home, needing to arrange for all the hospital equipment to be returned whilst having to arrange the funeral etc. It was all so intense. And now the opposite, the quiet in the house, friends going back to their busy lives, my body and soul feeling like what just happened? I am hitting such a deep sadness. Most days I just sit, look out the window at the birds and the trees, weep and think about him 24/7. I try to find meaning in all this, particularly from a spiritual perspective, but also I'm still reeling.... I am trying not to fall into a too deep a hole as the impact of all this sinks in. I am having therapy and have a few friends checking in on me from time to time. Sadly both my parents passed and i have no other family. Pete's 89 yr old mother is in touch by phone occasionally but of course going through her own grief his other family are not very communicative. I have taken comfort in reading others stories on this forum, just grateful to hear i am not alone in this horrible experience. Thanks for listening.....