Gettingthrough79

It pains me to look at pictures of the cat since I no longer know where she is but I will post a pic of my dog. I am warning everyone, you might get startstruck.

I haven't been able to get out of bed yet.

I feel worthless and lazy. There are so many things that need to be done but I don't want to do any of them.

I am up early again, shaken, stomach churning.

I relate and agree to everything you just said.

And we shared almost every meal together as well. 

6 hours ago, Clematis said:

My mother died 11 years ago. We weren't very close, which is hard because I then lost all hope that she would ever be a good parent to me and able to show that she loved me. But she had beautiful clothes and most of them fit me. A lot of them I never wore and 11 years later reluctantly got rid of them. But I have loved snuggling up in her coats in the winter or when it is raining. My sisters had no interest in any of her clothes. My dad told me he thought she would like to have me enjoying her clothes.

I got another shot at having some parenting with my dad after my mother died. I coaxed him out to AZ and he lived a couple of blocks away from me. I lived alone, but like you, we spent so much time together I never felt alone. He was always there to talk to about everything and anything, share meals with, go places with, etc. The only thing that makes me think he's in a better place is that I believe that he still has contact with me, but he also has contact with the people who have passed before him. So he kind of has the best of both worlds, and he doesn't have to worry about getting to a bathroom on time, walking with out falling, or any of the other things that plagued him.

I have found it terribly hard living alone without him. If it weren't for Lena my cat, I don't see how I would have survived the past 8 months, struggling through a car accident and all that. I wouldn't have wanted to survive it - I think it would have been too horrible. Awful enough anyway...

One would think that getting rid of my dad's clothes would be easy since I don't wear men's clothes. I got rid of a lot of them early on, but then I slowed down and became paralyzed by getting rid of his stuff. It was way too soon when I started plowing through all of this combining his stuff and mine into one condo.

 

My mother had to worry about getting to the bathroom on time and kept falling. I felt terrible. I would wake up extra early to walk her to the bathroom to make sure she didn't fall.

It was heartbreaking to watch but I miss her so much. I am also terribly heartbroken that my cat got lost. I am so grateful to have my dog. I don't know what I'd do without him.

I am not ready to go through the clothes yet, but will have to at some point soon.

10 hours ago, Cheryl J said:

Oh my gosh, I am so glad you got to the doctor.  Very big step!!!  And you got into the pool!!  What a huge step for you.  Hang in there....you got this.

 

Cheryl

Thanks Cheryl.

I am up early again. The water has always been my sanctuary but I haven't been going in because it brings back too many memories like everything else.

I feel very shaken up this morning. Well, that's been every morning. I just don't even want to get out of bed.

It felt like hell getting out of bed to the Dr.

Have my anti anxiety meds again. Have explanation from doctor as to why I got in to the car accident. Anxiety, depression,gastritis, and trauma from watching my mother turn into a corpse.

Waiting on a preauthorization for new meds.

Went in the pool, accomplished what I could. I feel so drained.

I am dragging myself out of bed to get dressed, get to the Dr. right at this moment.

2 minutes ago, Cheryl J said:

I'm so glad you found someone.  I understand the being together every day.  Dad and I were very close.  I was a daddy's girl.  For the last 2 1/2 years I have taken care of him.  And I actually lived with them for a couple of months before he died.  It's tough.  Just keep coming here, work with the counselor, try to not to drink or at least limit your drinking.  I don't know if I mentioned this or not but I started doing video journals which does help getting it out.  Talk to her and don't rush yourself to get rid of her things.  Do it when you feel comfortable.  We haven't gotten rid of a single thing of Dads because we are not ready.  One day at a time.  We are here for you.  Hugs!

 

Cheryl

Cheryl,

It's amazing how your dad was there for you.

Mine was abusive so I stuck to my mom. We were like a team.

My uncle, my mother's brother was my surrogate dad. He gave me everything. He always tried to make up for my abusive father. And, he passed away over 10 years ago from a heart attack. We argued right before it happened, which was so odd, because we never argued. I still have guilt from that.

You were so lucky to have a dad so wonderful. God bless him. 

I do not feel like even getting out of bed, but I am lucky enough to have a ride from my existing {schizophrenic} uncle to the doc today.

His mind is like that of a 12 year old at times, but he tries.

I am so sorry Jeffrey.

I have to agree with you though. Cancer is the devil. Very true statement.

Hello,

I just recently joined this site and have been doing alot of posting about the recent loss of my mother to bone cancer.

Your story is touching. You live for your dogs. I think that's beautiful. I am living for mine now. I am so grateful for him. I miss my cat though. She somehow got lost or is hiding. I am not sure which, but I fondly remember my mother petting her all the time on the couch. They truly loved eachother.

I do not have understanding family and hardly any support, plus just broke up with my boyfriend so I can relate to everything you're saying. I feel we have alot in common. You can message me any time.

I am still grieving terribly so I might not be the best resource but I wanted you to know that I can totally relate to what you're going through.

If you're interested, read my original post.

Wow one year, that's amazing. Congrats! 

That's also amazing that you didn't drink through your dads death.

Yes, living alone now feels hellish. I've lived alone before but always had my mother so this is totally different. I miss seeing her make her coffee, hearing the water she started running for her shower, talking about everything and anything. I wish I had more faith that she's in a better place.

We were together every day, talked non stop, did everything together. This feels like a different life. It's like everything got caught up in a whirlwind and turned upside down. I am not used to living without her. It feels so impossible. I was too  codependent on her for everything.

I am dreading donating her clothes. The thought of putting them in bags makes me sick.  It feels like a nightmare that won't go away. 

Trying to get through this morning. I did find a wonderful counselor from Hospice thank God. Most of them were not willing to take the time to talk or care. 

This person is wonderful and has been helping me daily on the phone. plus sending me different links to help.

I believe that is all very true.

I was probably not meant to be there.

The yearning and longing to see her is so hard to bear. It makes me sick to my stomach. It is horrible to miss someone so much.

Thank you. Reading now.

I have been reading everything I can get my hands on.

4 minutes ago, kayc said:

Take one day at a time and try to take one positive step a day.  Prioritize bills, it's all you can do.  When my George died, my income was cut in half, and hospital bills were pouring in, I didn't see how I could make it, then I lost my job...again and again.  Yet somehow I'm still here.

Thank you KAYC

No my insurance won't cover it. Same with me...too far to walk and the public transportation is like a zig zag map. I can't handle that with this anxiety.

I really do not know how I am going to get through this. The financial aspect is also terrible right now.

And its also traumatizing because I didn't get a chance to say a real goodbye to her.

They cuffed me in front of her when I got into the accident and she died two days later in the hospital while I was waiting in jail for the judge to let me go.

I was too filled with anxiety. Not to make excuses. I shouldn't have drank but the stress was overwhelming.

I didn't even get to kiss her goodbye. 

Yes, she was on hospice but I took most of the care of her. The nurse came once a week but I would clean her, administer her meds, feed her, etc.

Thank you all for the replies.

Paralyzed is the word. Exactly how I feel. Thank you for the crisis hotline info. I have been utilizing those avenues but nothing seems to help. I have a bereavement counselor, a regular md and a psych nurse practitioner. I have been told to try new meds. I left a message with the office, which isn't the most reliable. They take a long time to call back and I feel I need a better one on one counselor. 

I can't stop thinking about her. I feel like someone cut my legs off.

It is also hard to get anywhere because my car is totaled and my license has been taken away since I got into the car accident. I am waiting to get a conditional license so I have freedom to travel. Getting around where I live by bus is hard and I don't have the money for car service all the time. 

Hi everyone,

I haven't checked the site in a few days because I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything. I have bills, a house to sell, lawyers to deal with, a lost pet, and the past few days I cannot sleep. I am talking to a couple counselors but nothing seems to help. I don't want to leave the house. I haven't been able to get dressed but I need to get it together because I have to move soon, so I have to look at different places to live. 

The car accident right before she died is making this tremendously hard. I drank wine before I went out to get her favorite food and got into a car accident. The car is totaled, I was arrested and my license was taken away. I am working on getting a temporary licence and having to rent a car. I have no income and I am in total fear that whatever little money I have will run out before the closing of the house.

I picture her coming in my room, asking me how I am doing....taking a shower, hearing the water running and watching her make coffee. She was literally the ony one I had and shes gone. The devastation is unimaginable. I don't know how I am getting through each day.

Drinking wine covers the pain for a bit but it just comes back. My whole life has shifted.

Now I have to take pictures of death certificates so bills dont have to be paid. It's truly nauseating that someone you loved and depended on your whole life is dust now. 

I cannot accept it.

Thank you again everyone for the support..please keep it coming. And, I am sorry for everyone's loss here.

The fear, loneliness, anxiety, depression is just too much. I am mostly scared at night and in the mornings. I am actually scared to go to bed now. I lay there in complete loneliness and fear. I cannot wait to move and get out of this house. Too many memories.

I have bills to pay and so many things to do and I feel impaired, like I literally cannot move.

I also have virtually no close family and lost touch with friends so I am feeling extremely alone.

Hi,

Thankyou for the reply. I just dont know how I am going to get through this. It's too much at once. I don't want to go on but I have to function because I won't leave my dog. He is the only reason I am here right now. I am going crazy about the cat. She must have slid out the back door. I just cant breathe. I have anxiety and depression already so this is making it much worse.

I cannot believe he hasnt even called to see how I am and I keep having panic attacks. Last night was horrible. I could hardly sleep. I dont know how to face all this loss at once.

Hi everyone,

I stumbled upon this site and thought I'd post. I don't know what else to do. I lost my mother, my best friend about 3 weeks ago to bone cancer and I feel like I just want to die.

I haven't showered, enjoyed the pool, walked the dog. I can hardly get out of bed. I feel like I can't take it anymore.

I also got into a car accident two days before she died, broke up with my boyfriend, and lost my cat. I feel like everything is gone. I took it all for granted and it's all gone.

I can't bear it. Nothing seems to help at all. I also had to sell my house because I have no income coming in plus I hate living here.I only have so much time before I have to move. Whatever close family I had is gone and I was raised in this house.

I'm scared, weak, actually petrified. She was my best friend...we did everything together. I feel like I lost my legs plus I miss my ex bf and my cat. I just feel like I am going nuts.

Any help would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.