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Missing My Fancy

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  1. I'm so very sorry for your loss, JulesR. You hit the nail on the head with everything you said. This is EXACTLY how I've been feeling. My Fancy wasn't "just a cat" or "just another pet". She was my other half, my best friend and my soulmate. A constant loving presence in my life for the past 11 and a half years. Without her I feel less than who I was and I keep wondering when my new existence without her will start to "click" and make sense to me. I go to sleep at night with her cat bed next to me and she's not in it, purring up a storm. I wake up in the morning and she doesn't come hurrying over to me for breakfast. When I go to visit my parents she's not next to me in the car. I've been going about my days constantly thinking about her, crying and missing her with all my heart and soul, wondering when I'm going to feel a sense of wholeness again. Ditto. That's how it's been for me, too. Not having my Fancy with me has been a crushing, insurmountable loss and the "glimpses", at times, have been utterly devastating and debilitating (although thankfully they're becoming somewhat less frequent). A few Saturdays ago I sobbed for about 2 hours straight and I still felt no relief afterwards. I've never cried like that before in my whole life (and I've lost quite a number of family members over the years, both human and animal). I cry when I see her carrier in the living room, knowing she'll never go on another road trip with me to her Nanny and Pappy's. I cry when I look at the spot on the floor next to my bed where she was sitting right before I took her to the vet for the last time. I cry at work at any given time because I know when I get home she won't be here to greet me and make me feel better. My Fancy was a constant source of happiness and comfort in my life and I had so many kisses, hugs, snuggles and pettings left to give her but now I won't be able to give them to her (at least not in this life). Thank you for sharing, JulesR. I'm sending thoughts of peace and healing your way.
  2. Thank you so much for your support, Buster's Mom. I'm sorry you had to experience something similar to what I went through with my Fancy girl. It's been a month and a half since I said goodbye to my soulmate and I still can't quite wrap my head around it. There are moments where, out of nowhere, a crushing wave of grief hits me and I'm forced to consider the reality of not having her here with me but there are other moments where I'm unable to fathom the loss I've suffered. It's like I entered into a parallel universe or existence where things aren't the way they're supposed to be and I feel a sense of denial about the situation. I live my life the way I normally do but things aren't normal because I don't have my baby girl with me. This process of grieving has been emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting. I thank you for sending love my way and I wish love, peace and healing for you as well.
  3. I found all of this very interesting. Having so many run-ins with rabbits when you knew that particular animal held such a significance for your mother definitely seems like she was trying to communicate with you. I haven't dealt with anything like that but my Aunt who had been my Nana's housemate and caretaker has been fixated on cardinals ever since my Nana passed away in 2017. A cardinal sighting is supposedly a sign that a deceased loved one is nearby and my Aunt has had several. This has brought her the sense that my Nana is doing well and sending her love. As far as your relationship with your mother, I'm sorry it wasn't a very positive one but so nice to hear that you felt she was reaching out to tell you she loved you. I'm sure that was a very welcomed bit of closure for you. I'd always been very skeptical and pretty disbelieving about communicating with the dead, psychics and things of that ilk prior to my Fancy's passing. In all honesty I always thought people who said they were visited by a dead relative or could see dead people/animals were either crazy, attention-seeking or both. Now, in spite of myself, I feel a bit differently. Friday, April 26 was the third week anniversary of my Fancy's passing and I was terribly depressed but around 2:15pm (the time she was put to sleep) the sun came out after being gloomy all day prior. Then early the next morning (Saturday, the 27th) I had a dream and while I couldn't remember the dream at all it was enough to wake me up and when I woke up I thought that my Fancy girl was curled up next to me; through my sleep-hazed eyes I swore I saw her for a split second. Sunday night (the 28th) "Sister Golden Hair" came on the radio while I was at work and that song was significant because about 2 months prior it was stuck in my head which prompted me at that time to nickname my baby girl "Sister Fancy Ebony Fur". Finally when I got home from work that night, I sat down feeling physically and emotionally exhausted. All of a sudden I felt this exhilarating rush of relief all over my body and as it grew stronger I couldn't stop myself from sobbing with joy. I felt delirious, elated and full of bliss. I'd never experienced a sensation like that before in my life. I literally felt the heaviness of anguish on my chest be lifted away and I noticed a significant change in my ability to breathe. The immense grief that had been weighing on my heart was gone just like that and suddenly everything was put into perspective. It was as though my Fancy came to me and said, "you've suffered enough and now the pain's going to go away so you can move on". I know I must sound totally nuts but I swear on my life I'm telling the truth. Of course I still miss my Fancy but things have definitely been a lot easier for me since having that experience. I wish everyone could feel what I felt at least one time in their life. I agree. My Nana was like a second mom to me but other than seeing a rainbow in the sky about an hour after she passed away back in September of 2017, I haven't received any noticeable signs from her. What comforts me, though, is I feel her spirit. I don't see her or hear her but I just have a sense that she's around. My relationship with my Fancy has obviously been quite different. Like your Freya, my Fancy was the first pet I got while on my own. She came to me during my senior year of college while I was living in my first apartment. I was on the cusp of adulthood about to go out into the world and to have had such a great companion during that time was so very special. To have had her for 11 and a half years, though, is even more so. Not having her with me (physically, at least) has felt like the end of an era... and really, that's exactly what it is.
  4. It's amazing that you're able to hear your deceased loved ones! I've never had that experience but I can say I definitely feel the spirits of certain loved ones who have passed away (namely my Fancy girl and my Nana). My Nana passed away on her 98th birthday back in September of 2017 and an hour after her passing a rainbow appeared in the sky. I haven't received any recognizable or distinct signs from her since then where I've thought, "oh, hey, that's my Nana trying to tell me something" but I do feel that she's always with me. In some ways it's like she never left. My Fancy was/is my soulmate and I've received several unmistakable signs from her since her passing back on April 5th. They all came last weekend for some reason, though. Maybe my baby girl knew she would need to reach out to me in succession in order for me to "get the message", so to speak. Otherwise if the signs were spread out over a long period I may have interpreted them as mere coincidences. But anyway, one of them was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. On Sunday night a wave of total bliss washed over my whole body and I could literally feel the weight of grief that had been laying heavy on my chest just lift off, as though this burden I had been carrying for weeks just evaporated. It was an extraordinary sensation! I felt delirious afterwards and I know in my heart that my Fancy girl had a hand- correction, paw!- in it. It was exactly what I needed. The elated feeling has dulled since then but at least I haven't been in a constant state of anguish the way I was. I would love to have another experience like that again and hopefully it would be soon! I completely understand your hesitation about sharing your experiences. Sometimes people just don't "get it". But it's important to trust your heart.
  5. Thank you so much for your compassionate and beautiful words, Clematis. Your Lena is adorable. Black cats are the best! Before getting my Fancy I never thought I'd have one. Now it feels so wrong to NOT have one. That's so true. When I took my Fancy to the vet for the last time I had no idea at all that it would be the last time. In my mind she was going to be hospitalized for a few days, treated and then I was going to bring her home. We were going to spend at least a few more years together. I had so much love left to give her. I was woefully unprepared for the hopeless diagnosis my baby girl received and hearing people say that she lived a long time is no consolation and has not brought me any comfort. The fact is she got cancer and didn't get to live out a full, natural life and I'm left to deal with the passing of my soulmate. You're absolutely correct in saying that "losing a loved one is always too soon", and in mine and my Fancy's case it was WAY too soon. It's true that we can never know for sure how long we'll have a loved one, no matter how well they're cared for. All we can do is continue to give them our love and devotion. I'm certain you would do everything and anything for your beloved Lena. Lord knows I showed every kindness to my Fancy and spared no expense for her. Even though I amassed a crushing amount of debt in order to get medical attention for her I don't regret it because I wanted to help her. What I DO regret, though, is that our vet put off finding the cause of my baby girl's troubled breathing for too long and there was basically nothing that could be done to save my best friend by the time he finally decided to take action. Those dreams sounded beautiful! Did you feel they were just dreams or that they were signs from your Lena? I don't know if you read my one response to kayc up above, but I've already received what I truly believe are signs from my baby girl. I've lost many loved ones over the years (both animal and human) but have never experienced what I experienced last weekend with my Fancy. I'm something of a cynic and never put much belief in metaphysical or supernatural stuff before but I don't think what occurred could be chalked up to mere coincidences. I believe my Fancy girl was communicating with me to let me know she's fine and that I shouldn't hold on to the tremendous anguish I'd been feeling. I've felt lighter ever since. I rest a lot easier now because I believe, as you said, relationships don't end when a loved one passes away, they merely evolve. Do I have my baby girl with me to kiss and pet and snuggle with anymore? No, and that saddens me a great deal- but I feel her spirit is around and watching over me, reassuring me that things are ok and that we'll be together again someday. I truly believe my soulmate will always be with me.
  6. Thanks, kayc! I know I'll never have another companion like my Fancy- she left such a stamp on my heart!- but the joy of having pets is that they bring their own distinct personalities and energies to your life. I feel that the most painful part of the grieving period for my Fancy may be drawing to a close. Since this past Friday I've received several (what I interpret to be) signs from my baby girl. Friday was the 3rd week anniversary of her passing and around the time she was put to sleep (2:15pm) the sun came out after a morning of gloomy, rainy weather. I thought, "oh, it would be so nice if that sunlight and blue sky were a sign from my Fancy girl" but I just shrugged it off. Then early Sat morning I had a dream and although I don't remember what it was about, I woke up from it with my arm around her cat bed and feeling like she was right there beside me. It took all of a microsecond to realize that she wasn't and so I chalked it up to my mind playing cruel tricks on me but then I got another sign on Saturday evening when the song "Sister Golden Hair" came on the radio. That song had gotten stuck in my head about 2 months ago and at that time I came up with the nickname "Sister Fancy Ebony Fur" for my baby girl. I had been calling her that up until she passed away. Finally, last night after coming home from work I felt a wave of relief wash over me and I was left feeling blissful, as though my Fancy or God or perhaps the 2 were telling me, "hey, you've suffered enough and now it's time for the pain to go away". That euphoric feeling- so very thankfully!- has continued on, so far. I still miss my Fancy deeply and I've cried several times already today but the tears were of joy and thankfulness instead of anguish and despair. It's the first time I've been able to breathe easy since April 4th, as though the weight I'd been carrying on my chest has finally been lifted. I think now the time has come for rejoicing and remembering. Thank you for your kindness and support in all of this, kayc. Wishing you peace and happiness.
  7. You had so many companions, kayc! That's wonderful. Terribly sad, though, that you had to experience so many untimely losses. For me, there was Nicky the yorkie (who I always say was my Mom and Dad's first kid) who lived a long life but was put down due to chronic asthma and complications from old age. Then we had Homer the cat who we took in after someone dropped him off just up the street from my parents house. He was such a good cat and, of course, well-loved. He was an outdoor cat but always came home without fail. Then one morning my Mom received a call from her friend telling her there was a dead cat that looked a lot like ours alongside the road. Must have been hit by a car. Tragically enough it was our Homer. That was a devastating day. I was just a middle schooler and it was the first shock death I had ever experienced. To lose my beloved friend in such a way haunted me. I took it very hard for a very long time. There were some nights when I was terribly grief-stricken and couldn't sleep so I'd sneak out of the house and go to his grave in our backyard to talk to him. But early in my freshman year of high school we went to the SPCA and adopted Tiger Boy. He had a mischievous streak but he was adored and pampered just like all of our other animals. He was with us up until the beginning of my senior year of college. We kept him strictly indoors but one day he snuck out while the door was open. I was living in an apartment near my college, which was 2 hours away from my parents house. When I found out Tiger had gotten out I was beside myself. I drove the 2 hours home to my parents to look for him, going up into the woods to see if I could find any trace of him. For about a week the process was: drive 2 hours to my parents so I could look for Tiger, drive 2 hours back up to my apartment a day or 2 later and then back to my parents. I looked for him day and night, rain and shine, by foot and by car, but I never found our Tiger. One of the friends I was living with saw how heartbroken and depressed I was over the loss of Tiger and suggested she bring a recently adopted cat from her cousin's house. This cat had been found in the woods behind their house fairly recently and since they already had 2 big dogs and another cat it wasn't the best arrangement for any of them. I wasn't really ready to accept another animal into my life but since I deeply missed the companionship of a furry little one I agreed. That's how my Fancy came into my life, and right away she singled me out and decided I was going to be her person. And so I was, from then on and forever after. I apologize for the tangent but your comment stirred up a wonderful remembrance of all the cherished furry companions I've had throughout my life. Like you, I haven't had the greatest luck with my animals as far as health and unexpected tragedy, but the bond I had with them was everything (particularly the one I had with my Fancy because I had her for so long and we did so much together).
  8. Hello AZ Desertgirl. I'm so incredibly sorry for both your losses. It's so unbearably sad to see beloved companions suffering. Just know that you shared a wonderful bond with them, took great care of them and when there was nothing left to be done you made the most merciful and selfless choice you could in order to end their suffering. Speaking from recent experience it's a soul-shattering choice because you're actively making the decision to say goodbye but in the end you come to realize it's the right choice. And yes, the grieving process is a relentlessly painful and confusing one but like any process it will have to come to an end at some point. As kayc mentioned, missing them never goes away. Somehow, though, we eventually manage to make more room in our hearts and minds for the wonderful memories of our loved ones and less room for the excruciating emotional pain that losing them has caused. I recommend you watch this video, as it helped put things into perspective for me: Sending you wishes of peace and healing.
  9. Thank you so much for the reassuring words, kayc. It's true that our vet may have had a few reasons to come in. I just can't shake the thought that he had to have treated other animals with larynx cancer and known the signs- at least some of them (the heavy breathing and the excessive grooming resulting in fur discoloration). How does a supposedly competent vet who works at an animal hospital and specializes in medical procedures miss this? This is a question that's going to be rolling around in my mind for a long time. And yes, our vet did say removing the cancer would be extremely risky and that he could try but that if there was a mistake my poor Fancy could bleed out and even if he succeeded the cancer would be likely to return. And on top of that I know the recovery process for my baby girl would have been long and painful and I would never have been able to see her suffer like that. Thinking back on all the months of her labored breathing and to now know what the cause was has been excruciating enough for me. But yes, as you said the scope provided me with the knowledge of what was going on and at the very- VERY- least I have the closure of having gotten a diagnosis for my best friend and soulmate. Thank you for the comforting words. I loved my Fancy with all my heart and soul- and still do- and I have to keep in mind that her happiness and well-being were always a priority for me, so even if the end result was the worst one possible I have the consolation of knowing it wasn't my fault. Best wishes to you, kayc.
  10. It was around this time (2:15pm) when I had to say goodbye to my best friend. I just wanted to commemorate her passing by sharing with you all. Please say a prayer or send positive wishes my way during this painful time. I love you Fancy girl. I miss you desperately but I know you're with your Great Grandmother and cousin Sadie. Please watch over me and the rest of our family.
  11. Thank you, kayc. Yes, the name Fancy suited my baby girl perfectly. I used to call her Fatsy every now and then but when I did I never meant it maliciously; I thought of it more as Patsy but with an F. I would never have said or done anything degrading to my best friend. First, I'm very sorry for the loss of King George (and your husband, as well). Please accept my condolences. Your story about your beloved companion was both moving and heartbreaking; moving because you had such a long(!) and wonderful companionship with him and I loved reading about how he was your little greeter; heartbreaking because you found yourself in a hopeless situation due to that vet's carelessness. I wish you and your King George wouldn't have had to deal with people who were so unsuited to a job dealing with care and compassion. That seems to be too common an occurrence these days, unfortunately. Just know you did all you could and made a great effort to heal your cherished friend and when nothing else could be done you made the most merciful and selfless decision you could. I'm sure he knew that, too. No regrets! The vet I had been taking my Fancy to was very pleasant. Not at all cold, stuffy or unapproachable (same couldn't be said for all of the staff, though- one wretched tech, in particular) and he helped get her back on track after 2 hospitalizations for diabetes, so I grew to trust him pretty quickly. That's why I took his word at first when he said not to worry about her heavy breathing (although I have to say I had a parental instinct that something wasn't right). I had forgotten to mention in my original post that in addition to my baby girl developing heavy breathing she also started to groom herself excessively. The fur on the sides of her body was changing from its normal black color to a reddish brown. Our vet said the frequent grooming was probably just due to stress, which I kind of accepted as a possible explanation because I had started a new job with a new schedule shortly before all this began and thought that might have been the reason for my baby girl's anxiety (although I felt it was odd since up to that point I had bounced between different shifts every few years with never any apparent changes in my Fancy girl those other times). In hindsight I can't help questioning our vet's judgment. Isn't the job of any medical professional to get to the root of a problem, not just assume? On one hand I want to blame my vet for negligence but on the other I wonder if I'm being entirely fair to him. I know he said that performing a scope wouldn't have been ideal when I brought up Fancy's breathing issues the second time but ultimately that's what he ended up doing anyway and by then it was too late. But, then again, did he only agree to perform the scope because he saw how desperate I was to help my baby girl? He did come in on his day off to perform the procedure but was that because he genuinely cared or because he knew he screwed up and it was his way of making amends? I don't know. All I know is that the wheels in my brain have been turning ever since I said goodbye to my precious Fancy 3 weeks ago to the day. We definitely did all we could for our loved ones and we should be able to rest easy knowing we gave all our love and devotion to them. Thanks again for reaching out, kayc. It's greatly appreciated.
  12. Hello again, Sharon C. I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. Your broken heart will mend but it takes a lot of time, patience and reflection. As you know I've been grieving through the loss of my cherished cat Fatsy and one thing I've been trying to keep in mind through all my pain is that she isn't the first loved one I've lost. It's a devastating and exhausting process that needs to run it's course... but it will run it. You'll eventually be able to breathe easier and find that you're able to focus more on other things all the while still loving your buddy BEAU and honoring his memory in continuing to do some of the things you shared (spending time in your garden, for instance). I feel lonely, too, because my Fancy was vital to my happiness. When she was content I felt good, when she was sick I became anxious with worry. She was the best companion I could have ever asked for and we were strongly bonded. Your BEAU was your best companion. I think what you're doing with lighting candles for him is such a beautiful way to honor him. Do you find that this brings you a sense of comfort? I hope it does. As for watching Super Vets, I, personally, wouldn't put too much faith in their abilities and my best advice would be to not watch that or shows like it. As amazing as those vets might be they're imperfect humans, too, and because it's a TV show they can choose which cases they show in order to make themselves seem like infinitely intelligent and capable professionals. Watching them "miraculously" heal sick or injured animals won't benefit you in any way. A little "tough love" there. Your little memorial for BEAU sounds beautiful. I'd love to see photos of it if you feel up to sharing. I had my Fancy cremated. She's in a little cherry wood box and she's going to stay at my parents house because we always went together and I'm convinced she would have loved living there. She always got pampered and spoiled at her Nanny and Pappy's lol. She's in my old bedroom where we used to sleep and we're going to eventually make a nice little memorial for her on the same bookshelf where photos of my recently departed and dearly loved Nana are displayed. I've been going to my parents every week. I kiss the box as soon as I get there, kiss it before going to sleep at night, kiss it in the morning and kiss it before leaving to come back to my place. It's something I need to do in order to "connect" with her and let her know I desperately miss and love her. I considered keeping her with me at my place but 1) I can't bear the thought of seeing that little box everyday knowing she's in it and not alive and well next to me, 2) I can't bear the thought of my other cats seeing the box and making the connection that Fancy's ashes are in it because I'm sure it would not only devastate them to know she passed away and was cremated but they also might start worrying about their own safety because they don't know the whole story of what happened to their beloved sister. They might assume I did something bad to her when really it's the complete opposite. Lord knows I wouldn't be able to cope if they didn't trust me anymore. It's been heartbreaking enough to see them wandering around, calling out for her, confused as to why she's not with them. I totally understand where you're coming from when you say you can't move BEAU's bowls from their spot. I would keep them just where they are until you are ready to move them. Don't rush yourself. Sometimes cleaning up, putting away or disposing of things which belonged to our loved ones can feel like we're trying to eliminate all memory of them. The reality is we're not and time will help us understand that more clearly but now is not the right moment to do it. Allow yourself to understand that part of the coping process is to cling to the physical remnants of our loved ones. As for me, I was in my living room a short while ago and when I walked past my baby girl's carrier I couldn't help rubbing the top of it and sobbing. I've done this many times since her passing. I've kept her cat bed on my bed because that's where it always was and she'd always curl up next to me in it when it was time for bed. On one occasion I was so full of despair I fell on top of it, sobbing and saying out loud to my Fancy how much I love and miss her and that I want her back. The items which we always associated with our loved ones now feel like sacred objects not to be tampered with and so they shouldn't be disturbed until our hearts say it's time. That's a wonderful photo of your BEAU. So adorable. He looked like a real charmer and a great companion. Wishing you peace and healing.
  13. Hi K.D. Thanks so much for your response. Cheated is the way I feel as well. It's true that having my Fancy for a little longer wouldn't have made the pain any less than having to say goodbye on the same day because I would be lost without her, regardless. It's just that it came as such a shock whereas knowing a few weeks or months in advance would have softened the blow. When I took my Fancy to the vet that morning I had absolutely no clue I would need to say farewell to her only a few short hours later. The possibility never even crossed my mind. I would never have wanted my baby girl to suffer, though. The vet said if I did nothing she would have most likely died from respiratory failure; the mass was blocking her airways and her lungs were working too hard as a result in order to keep air flowing in and out. So I could never have stood by and done nothing for my baby girl. I just keep coming back to the same question: why did she have to get cancer? I'm truly sorry you had to endure the pain of seeing your beloved pup's health decline in such a way. It must have been a devastating process for both of you to live through. I would never have wanted that for my Fancy and me. My heart goes out to you. The extra time would have been a cushion for me but it wouldn't have stopped the inevitable. Ultimately what hurts the most in all of this is that my Fancy and I didn't have the goodbye that we rightly deserved. I feel she was ripped away from me and I can't stop thinking about that. When I was escorted back to the exam room for the euthanasia to be performed the vet was ready to get right to it and I had to tell him I needed a few minutes alone with her to say goodbye. Where was his head at?! But he agreed to it. 11 and a half years of total love and devoted companionship came to a grinding halt while my baby girl lay unconscious on the exam room table and I stood over her sobbing. It's not the sort of goodbye anyone should have with their best friend. Thank you for your kind and reassuring words, K.D. Going through the grieving process is a seemingly insurmountable feat but knowing you have the support of others who are dealing with the same thing brings a sense of comfort. I hope you're able to find some peace of mind soon because your beloved pup wouldn't want you to be suffering. Best wishes to you.
  14. Exactly, K.D. I don't want to hear any sounds associated with Springtime. No birds singing, no people laughing, no kids running around giggling, no blasting music as people drive by with their windows down- nothing, because I just can't take it. I hate all of it so much. They're all reminders that things are perfectly fine for other people while I'm left to feel the oppressive weight of grief. The birds have been chirping here since about 4:30am and it's taken a lot of willpower to not throw open my front door and scream my head off. And to make matters worse it's Friday. On Fridays my neighborhood is noisy with excitement for the weekend. According to the forecast we're supposed to get rain all day where I live. I really hope we do so that the usual noisemaking is thwarted. Best wishes to you, K.D.
  15. Thank you so much for reaching out, Sharon C. I'm very sorry for the loss of your soulmate. I understand your pain well because I, too, have cried every day since I said goodbye to my Fancy girl. I had a particularly unbearable bout of despair last weekend. I only work weekends but they're long shifts and I despise my job. Coming home and being greeted by my Fancy always used to be a big bright spot in my day. Last Saturday was my first day back and I had to keep running off to the bathroom because I couldn't control my sobbing; all I could think about was that my baby girl wouldn't be greeting me at the door when I got home. I was in complete and uncontrollable sorrow and panic pretty much the entire weekend. I'm hoping I won't have to go through another 2 day-long stretch of continuous anguish because I won't be able to stand it. It's so true that there are reminders of our loved ones everywhere. It's like I've become hyper-aware of what I see and hear because so much can be traced back to my Fancy. I think about her constantly. She's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and she's the last thing I think about before going to sleep at night. I still talk to her and kiss her picture on my phone and blow kisses skyward to her whenever I need to "connect" with her (which is numerous times a day). It helps ease the burden of grieving a little, if only for a precious few minutes. Maybe you could try it and see if it gives you some relief? Anyway, thanks again for responding and offering your support. It means a lot during this difficult time.
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