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Guilt_beyond_imagination

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About Guilt_beyond_imagination

  • Rank
    Tina - Parker's Mom
  • Birthday December 9

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Dog owner
  • Date of Death
    12/24/2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Stroudsburg PA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Pennsylvania
  • Interests
    Dog rescue volunteer and foster mom. Cooking; baking; gardening and canning; skiing; theater and movies; almost every music genre, and caring for my 2 sweet little rescue dogs who I have had since pups and who dearly miss their wonderful and loving brother who passed tragically. I treasure their presence and continue to meticulously and lovingly care for them as always. Parker, you will always be in my heart.

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  1. DebbieGD, I am so sorry and sad you are feeling like this. I felt guilt for an extremely long time. I still go through guilt phases. I understand how you feel. Was your baby a cat or dog? I know cats can be fearful at a vet office. What exactly happened? You said her sugar went up. What happened during and after that time? You had no control over her sugar. I had a dog once before who got diabetes out of nowhere. I had to give him insulin 2x a day. That's something we cannot control. Please let me know what happened. I don't want you to go through the pain of guilt. It's an awful ride. I lost 17 pounds right after it happened. I got really sick. I have low blood pressure and it was borderline high for meds. Luckily I got it back to normal. I am still sad about my little guy, Parker, as you can see from my posts. I want to understand what happened to your baby, and what was her name? Please stay on this site and people here will comfort you. I've been here more than a year. I've met nice and understanding people. Tina - Parker's Mom
  2. My Wonderful Little Peanut, I am missing you, my little one. I never stop missing you. Lately It has been more than before. I cannot believe how much time has passed, yet I do not miss a day without thinking of you. It is still too painful for me to open the cabinet where you are, just ashes in a box. In the morning, on that day, you were your spunky self and a few hours later I got the worst call of my life that you were gone. Gone from a routine procedure. I could not process it. Everything I was told did not make sense. It was smoke and mirrors. Of course, the condition I was in after being shocked made me less likely to get to the details. I could not speak. All I could do was cry. There were so many questions I had. I asked a few, but the answers I got were vague and some were not even answered. My healthy 6-year old, active, in shape, never sick little dog was supposed to be home with us that evening, Xmas Eve. Mr. Alpha Dog, you were to be in charge at home while we went out for Christmas Eve dinner, but that never happened. The state is taking a long time, maybe because of Covid-19, but no news is good news. My sweet Peanut, I have not been able to go back on the treadmill since that day. I was on it while I was alone downstairs. I was on the treadmill when the call came in. I expected we would get the call very soon that you would be ready to come home. You came home, but in a black plastic bag. I never got to say goodbye, my precious one. I am so deeply sorry Parker. It was never meant to be like this. You were to be the one to live the longest. Never sick. Never any minor problems. Always well, so very much alive, happy, playful, and our leader. I hope one day I can see you again. I keep hoping that it is a real possibility. This cannot be it, where it just ends. There must be more to this. Your mom will see you. I will give you the biggest hug and kiss. I know you will soak it all up, my little lovable sweetie pie. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH Parker, I will see you again (I hope). I am so sorry. I knew you should have stayed home. I allowed this to happen. You could be here with us now. Without you, our light has gone out. Parker, please forgive me. I will make it up to you. I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU Love, Mom XXXXXX 000000
  3. My Sweet Little Parker, I hope this poem is something you feel about me. I am always thinking of you and sometimes I feel you are here with me. When I am in another room, I imagine you still here with your brothers and that it is just like it used to be. It hurts so much to know it really is not true. You really are gone, but it feels good to me, for a short while. I Love You so much, my little darling. Love, Mom I Haven't Left At All I saw you gently weeping as you looked through photographs You paused for just a moment at one that made you laugh; But as you turned more pages the tears began to flow You whispered that you missed me but I want you to know; I softly licked those stinging tears that down your cheeks did fall I want to help you understand I haven’t left at all. On those days that you are overcome with sorrow, pain and grief I rest my head upon your leg to offer some relief. When you take our walking path I’ve seen you turn around Because I know you surely heard my paws upon the ground. At night while you are sleeping, I snuggle at your side You stroke my fur as you touch that place where I used to lie. You said it’s just your heart playing tricks upon your mind But rest assured I’m really there, my spirit’s left behind. I know your heart is hurting; it’s like an open sore You think my life has ended and you won’t see me anymore. But for those of us bound tight by love, death is not the curtain call; It’s really the eternal beginning that waits for us all So, dear Master as you live your life I patiently await For us to be together when you pass through Heaven’s gate. - Author Unknown
  4. Dear Parker, My Sweetheart Oh, my precious. I have not written you in such a long time. I miss you so much. I have been thinking about you so much lately. So many things have happened. People who worked with your dad at the airport have died from a virus that has taken over. We are locked down. No word when we will open. All of this going on caused me to not write sooner. I miss you, my little one. I think about you all the time. I see you sometimes playing with your brother, but then I realize it is a mirage. A feeling that I want you here. I am still waiting for the state's decision. I have found more things to add. I am doing that this week. I keep your squeaky toys close to me. I have your harnesses and jackets, including the thermals I made for you, in my drawer. It hurts to know you will never wear them again. I saw a dog that reminded me of you. He was playful like you and he had the same birthday. I did not want to replace you, but he seemed like what Leroy would need in a friend because he was just like you. He got adopted. I missed out. Your brother Porter is being nicer to Leroy. Sometimes he sits very close to him. It makes me happy. Porter was always a loner although I am sure he misses you. He did play with you. I think Leroy feels your loss more. He needs a playmate. I do not know what to do. I do not want to replace you. You cannot be replaced. You are a leader and an Alpha Dog. I do not know why this happened. It was routine. Leroy had his teeth cleaned not long ago and he did very well. Right vet. That's why. Porter recently lost a tooth and then had to have 5 extractions and he had his teeth cleaned at the same time. He did well. No problems. Right vet. That’s why. Your brother Porter recently had some pain issues which turned out to be either a pulled muscle or pinched nerve. He also had an echo. It was good. There is no evidence of any heart trouble as in eating grain-free food. After you passed, that vet tried to use that as an excuse because he knows what really happened. Both of your brothers are very strong and healthy, and I know you would have been the strongest. You were never sick. You were full of muscle. No fat and extraordinarily strong. He killed you. I wish you could talk to me and tell me what happened. I will never get the truth. I know he will lie to the state as much as he can get away with it. I will see him in court anyway. He owes for tests that had no meaning. He killed you and I will make his life miserable. If the state takes his side, I will appeal it and send it again and I will go to the Attorney General. I will keep trying until I get justice. I will not give up. I do not give up. You mean too much to me. You were only 6. There is no reason. I think it was your fear and he kept you there knowing he only had to make a call for me to come get you. It was routine, not mandatory. There was no reason for you to stay there, petrified. I hope someone there breaks the silence and tells the truth, as much as it will hurt. I need to hold this vet accountable for taking away my little leader. I am so sorry Parker. I wish I had a time machine. I would go back and change everything. I feel responsible. I know you forgive me. I think you do. I wish I could hold you again. You and your kisses. Always kissing. Always lovable. Always playing. It is not the same anymore. I am not the same. I will always love you forever. Please stay close to my heart. I do not know about messages and birds and those things. But, please come to me in a dream so I can see you again and virtually hold you. I miss you, my little baby. Words cannot describe how hurt I feel inside. I LOVE YOU. Love, MOM
  5. Hi Kay, My husband is on a 2-week paid leave from United at Newark Airport. There were 2 coronavirus deaths at United in late March. One was a 52-year old ramp worker and other was 58-year old mechanic in the next shop. My husband used to work closely with him. There were several people out on self-quarantine and 2 were on ventilators. So, United decided to give them paid time off. Airlines did get money from government, but they are losing big money. Every single airline in the world has parked at least half of their fleet in deserts, etc. They are working on skeleton staffs. They will know at United on Oct 1, who will have a job and who will not, and who knows if the company can stay afloat if this goes on too long. They could all be out of work. It took me 3 weeks to get well. I didn't give blood. I had some kind of tooth infection, which could have been my problem all the while. Hanging in there. My Chihuahua-Beagle, Porter has been sick since Easter, 4/12. Today is 4/25. He's been crated since then. He is taken outside in a carrier. In pain. Has been to the vet 3 times in 10 days. Had ultrasound, Lyme test, echo, urinalysis, cortisol test. Clean ultrasound, urinalysis, and Lyme. Echo showed some mild heart problem consistent with his pain and age (8). Diagnosis looks like his pancreatitis is acting up and he has back/neck/spinal pain. Cause unknown at this time. Pancreatitis number way up. On Prednisone, Neurontin (gabapentin) and Amoxy. Could possibly have Addison's, maybe secondary to pancreatitis. Cortisol was low. Can't get Addison's test until he's completely done with meds which will be way after May 20. Didn't get a chance to celebrate his birthday on 4/20 (he and Parker had same birthday. I still owe Parker a birthday letter). Last weekend I thought we were going to lose Porter. He was excessively panting, shaking, could not stand up, trouble urinating and moving bowels. We took him to a 24 hour vet on Saturday. They did blood work. Didn't have ultrasound. Couldn't do much for us. We had to wait till Monday for his regular vet visit and scheduled ultrasound, etc. Keeping my fingers crossed he does not have Addison's, just another thing to lower his immune system and I don't want him on meds the rest of his life. He is a very energetic dog, never stops. Possible he pulled something or pinched a nerve. He has had similar before, but always bounced back much sooner than this. Time will tell. I hope it is only a pinched nerve and not back or spinal issues. Keeping fingers crossed. Leroy is once again lonely. The little bit of friendship he has with Porter is now on hold. I have many Parker Moments, but lately with Porter being sick, I've been busy trying to keep him comfortable.I hope you are well and surviving this pandemic situation. Locked up in the house, everyone wearing masks. So unreal to me. I was already having an unreal moment losing Parker, and then this virus came along. I have a molar with a fractured root and no dentist will see me. I did get Z-Pak for infection. I also used Anbesol 2x and it worked great. Tooth pops in and out of socket. It flops to the side when I lie down on opposite side. Very strange. While I sleep, I wear my retainer from over 30 years ago. Still fits and keeps tooth in place. Hey! Maybe I don't need it pulled! Maybe if I inject myself with disinfectant I can ward off the virus. Think so? I could spray my throat with Lysol, would that work? Maybe inject myself with UV. Wonder how I can do that? I'm sure we all have jokes about those absurd recommendations.Have a good rest of the weekend. I don't have to tell you to stay safe. I know you will. Good health to you,Tina ~ Parker, Porter, and Leroy's Mom
  6. Kay, How did that happen to you when you gave the blood? Besides your BP, were you also under the minimum weight? My blood pressure is normally pretty low. In the past I've been asked if I was alive because it was so low. I'm sort of scared because this is my first time. I have usually been too underweight to give it. I've gained a few pounds, enough to be over the minimum. Besides being scared of my own blood, I don't know if I will faint if I glance over. Don't they take a pint or something like that? I never look when I get a little vial taken from me. I'm sorry about Arlie for you as well. I'm sorry for everyone who is going through this awful time. Those who are losing their pets, but have also lost family and friends to this awful virus. Being of Italian descent, I am so saddened about the Lombardy region in particular which has lost so many. I early retired from Sanofi who is a leader in vaccines and one of largest pharma companies. They manufacture vaccines 10 miles from my house. I am seeking work there as a a temp. Haven't heard anything yet. I want to help as much as I can with this. It's not for the money, although my husband works for United and he's most likely going to be laid off or lose his job. They are losing $100 million a day. He said the planes are empty, and that's at Newark, a huge airport. Keeping the world in my heart that this goes away quickly. Be careful out there. I've heard from reliable sources on TV that if someone who has it can transfer it to our pet's fur and then we can get it even though our pets are not symptomatic. I think that's how it's been going with children who are not symptomatic, they may be carrying it. Scary time now. Stay safe. Practice the Japanese bow and you won't have to get close or elbow greet someone who just sneezed into their elbow. (I never thought that greeting idea was very smart.) ~ Parker's Mom - Tina *I just realized. I don't think I can give blood if I am not feeling well and possibly have this virus.
  7. TO MY LITTLE MAN, Hi there my sweet Parker. I miss you so much. I finally hung up a tribute to you with your pictures. I don’t look closely at it because it still hurts me, but it’s there and I feel in my heart that you deserve to be honored. I want to thank you for looking out for your brother Leroy and keeping him safe during his surgery. He came out like a champ. He’s such a happy dog. I still see sadness in his eyes because he misses you, his best friend. He is taking it well wearing a cone for the second time in 4 months. I know with your doggie powers from above that his biopsy will be good. I trust in you. Now, I need your help again, Parker, my precious one. Your brother Porter lost a tooth and he has signs of periodontal disease. He has two loose bottom teeth and he is in pain, so they need to be removed. I am, once again, petrified. I need you, my sweetheart to do all you can to watch over him and keep him safe. His pancreatic and liver levels were checked. Both were a little high. This was a routine check-up for him. His pancreatitis hasn’t shown recent symptoms. He is full of energy. I need to discuss the details with Dr. Chris. Last year Porter had IV and medication treatment and afterward his pancreatic level was still somewhat high. It seemed he may run a little high because by that time he was feeling well. The liver and pancreas results are cleared for Porter for his extractions, but I still worry because of what happened with you. I trust you Parker to get Porter through this. I'm on pins and needles. Your strength and love when you were here, continues to shroud us. You are missed and loved. Parker, you are our shining light. Please keep Porter safe. This procedure is not elective. It’s necessary. Things are bad enough going on in the world. Sad things. I’m affected by it. I’ve been told I tend to hold the world on my shoulders. I may have been sick from it. I had the symptoms and was sick for over 3 weeks. I have stayed in the house. I had no energy to go out. I am still feeling rundown and yesterday I had the chills with the heat pumped up. I'm very tired and cold right now. It may not be gone. It's cold outside. Where is spring? When I lost you, my personal world went dark. The tragedy occurring throughout the world has now darkened my world even more. I have always wished for world peace, which is asking for much. We now have a very serious problem that no one would have expected in this lifetime. I want to help and pay it forward. Giving blood next week is a step. My new greeting has been a Japanese Bow. It’s respectful and it keeps the social distance. I am keeping your harness close to me with your squeaky toys. They will never take the place of you in person, but they are part of you that I can cherish. I will be writing you again. Your birthday is coming up. That will be a difficult day for me. I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH. YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY. I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU. PLEASE DON’T FORGET ME. I LOVE YOU, MOM *I just realized. I don't think I can give blood if I am not feeling well and possibly have this virus.
  8. MY DEAR PRECIOUS BABY, Hello Parker. Mom misses you so much. I need your presence to lighten up the tension for me. Things are in a turmoil here in the world. We have a serious virus circulating the globe. It's caused people to get sick and die and caused financial problems for mostly all of us in every which way. Some people can't work for all different reasons, all kinds of events have been cancelled from towns to big cities. Nothing was ever the same for me when I lost you. Now nothing is the same anymore for almost the entire world. I cry for those who have been affected by the illness and death. In a flash this happened, and experts are unsure what path it will take because they are still learning about this disease. I am worried your dad may lose his job. They haven't been testing them at work so I also worry he could get the virus since he works in a high-risk job. After what happened to you, I learned to trust my intuition. I neglected to do that at first and that is why you are not here. I take full blame for not listening to my feelings. I wish I had taken my doubting thoughts more seriously. I am truly sorry. Sorry doesn't make it right or bring you back. At the end of last year, I had strange and strong feelings about this new year. They were not good. I had premonitions that people close to me and your dad may get sick and may pass away. The first week of the new year, our friend Ken, had a stroke. He's home now, but his left side is not good. He is only 59. He's single and doesn't take good care of himself. We don't see him lasting long because of that. You always liked Ken. You warmed up to him each time he was here. I wish you were here. You would cheer me up. I played some music today and I pictured dancing with you to some of the songs. It made me sad that I couldn’t scoop you up and do a little Hustle like we used to. I was always so gentle with you, you with your teeny Chihuahua feet. I would kneel on the floor and you loved to dance. Oh, how I miss that. Parker, with this pandemic disease and the stock market in such unsteadiness, I may have lost most of my retirement in the last 10 days. If things don’t get better, and may I lose almost all of it, it could take me over deep end physically. I am already stressing. I’ve had a tough year without you, trying to figure out what I could have done better, constantly blaming myself, blaming your dad, and worrying even more about your brothers, thinking anything can happen to them. Your brother Leroy had surgery at the end of July. He had some lumps that needed to be biopsied, plus one was on his eyelid. Luckily, they were benign. Now I face the challenge of taking it in stride that he is going on Monday, March 16 to have another lump removed. I feel I got lucky the last time when he recovered. Sometimes I don’t feel I have much luck and it worries me if he will be okay and recover. Your other brother desperately needs his teeth cleaned and I dread that procedure, too. I am lucky to have a young, up to date with medicine, and cautious vet. You know. Dr. Chris. You always liked him. He was your vet for 5.5 years. I made the mistake by going somewhere else just for a simple routine teeth cleaning and that other guy couldn’t even get it right. I didn’t feel right about it and I still let you go. Now I miss you all the time. Parker, the country and the world are in peril. We have all been hit with this bomb of a crisis and no one really knows the answers. It’s all speculation and theories right now. We don’t know what’s coming next. I’m stressed about it, my finances, and our home situation. I am having chest pains and I am not sick with the virus. I’m not a spring chicken and I’ve pushed myself to the limit these last 15 months. I should have been exercising and eating good and I haven’t. Parker, please know that I will always love you and I always hope I will see you again one day. I don’t know if that could ever happen, that’s another thing that worries me. That this is it and the only contact I have with you are these letters. I don’t know if there is another place and if you would be there. I wish I knew a lot more about a lot of things right now. I LOVE YOU DEARLY. FOREVER AND EVER. I MISS YOUR SMILING AND HAPPY FACE. YOU WERE A BEAUTIFUL LOVING AND CARING FRIEND. When your bother didn’t feel well, he would retreat to his crate to be alone. You would stand outside the crate, pacing. You were worried about him. Eventually you found a way to go in the crate with him, lied close him, and give him comfort. Such a good quality for a sweet little dog. You always sensed it when any of us needed comfort. You would be right there. I MISS YOU SO MUCH MY LITTLE ALPHA DOG. YOU WERE TAKEN TOO SOON. I AM BROKENHEARTED. LOVING YOU FOREVER, YOU MOM
  9. PARKER, MY SWEETHEART, I haven't been writing as much as I'd like. It hurts so much to write because it is the reality you are not here, next to me. I cannot seem to accept you are gone. I'm sorry I have not been able to view your ashes in the cabinet. They are in the box in a bag. I cannot open the cabinet. I wonder sometimes if I see it, will it ease my pain and allow me to accept it, or will it make me feel worse. I haven't set up a tribute to you yet. Is that wrong? I have a hard time viewing your pictures. I don't know how I uploaded the few pictures on this forum. The pain of losing you is still intense for me. I have sudden crying outbursts, of course when I am alone. I don't show my sadness around others. I try not to upset your brothers. I think they worry about me when I cry. I remember how close you were with them. There were times when Porter didn't feel well and went into his crate. You would stand outside the crate looking at him. Sometimes you would go in with him and lie next to him. You were so caring. Always worried about everyone else. Like you were human. I wish our pets could talk. Just think how much we could know and help get you better if you told us how you felt. We would have so much more time with you. You would have told me so much that day. I know "please" would have been asked over and over. You would have pleaded with me to stay home. I know I would have listened. I should have listened to my heart. My heart told me you should have stayed, but I let myself down, and of course I let you down. Parker, how am I going to get through this? It's been 14 months and I still feel my loss. Everyday. I called Leroy by your name the other day, and I broke down. It was when I dressed them to go outside. It's always the time I notice your absence more. You were were always the first one and you were always done so fast. You had no issues with anything. There was nothing wrong with you. You were only missing a voice to talk to me. I am your voice now. I taking care of it. I hope your voice is heard. It means a lot to me and to help save others. I'm hoping for the best so you can rest peacefully. There are advantages of being old. I get a senior discount at the movies and supermarket. Other discounts. I lived through a generation I would never trade. Wisdom. Most of all, each day I get closer to Rainbow Bridge. I want to be healthy for your brothers, but I know the day will come when I will grieve again, and again. I dread it, but after that, maybe my time will come when I can be with all of you, and Max, my first dog decades ago. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I can't believe any of this has happened, but I see on the forum that people suffer losses every day. Like many others, I feel I can't believe this has happened. It never seems real, but it is. I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU PARKER. LOVE, MOM "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." ~ Will Rogers
  10. My Loving Little Parker, I am so, so sorry. I can't let it go that I feel partly to blame for you not being here. I think about you all day, everyday. I called your brother by your name by mistake, and I broke down. I miss you so much. I will write you again, very soon. I just needed to let you know that I have not forgotten you. I yearn to hold you and receive your big kisses. Your brothers are the only reason I keep going. They need me and I need them, too. I loved you all the same, but I miss you immensely. It's one day at a time for me. I wish I knew for sure if we would be together again. It would give me some relief. I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE BABY. LOVE, MOM
  11. My Sweet Little Peanut, I want you to know that I gave you a voice. It was time for you to be heard. Your message was strong and straightforward. The letter was brought to that vet's office by me, in person. I remember him telling me, "It happens" when he called that horrible day. He didn't have the decency to call me when trouble arose. He waited until you were already gone. He had nothing else to say. He knew he was wrong and later I found out he was full of lies. That's okay, because karma is a powerful thing.I wish you were here instead. It's difficult to look at your picture. I LOVE YOU. You will have a voice again on your birthday. Remember me? You should. I was in your care, but not for long before you went home, feasted, and celebrated Christmas Eve, Christmas, and then the New Year. I’ll bet you celebrated as if everything was copacetic while I laid in your morgue in a plastic bag. I had two brief visits there and on the third, you managed to silence me forever. The total of the three visits was only a few hours. I was the sunshine with infinite energy in my home, and I was so young. My brothers lost their best friend. My Mom blamed herself for bringing me there. It’s not her fault. It was you or your tech to last see me alive and did not save me, you know, allowed me to die. My family’s holidays were destroyed. I’m sure you know why. You can’t forget so easily. Their holidays are ruined this year, too, for the same reason. My parents still grieve. So do my brothers. I’ll bet you’ll be celebrating your holidays this year, just like last, like nothing happened. Enjoy yourself just as you did last year. I won’t see you up here where I am. Most make it up here, but some wind up somewhere else, you know, "It happens." Remember me. I may visit you in your dreams. From Heaven, Parker
  12. Hi Marty. Do you accept PayPal? I'd like to contribute to help keep the site going. You have comforted me in my darkest times. ~ Parker's Mom (Tina)(Guilt_Beyond_Imagination)
  13. My son, I'm feeling guilty because I haven't written in a long time. I haven't had much to say because I can only wish for you to return and I know that's impossible. One of our friends had a stroke and we've been helping him out. His mental capacity is there, but he is not doing well physically and then he got the flu on top of it. He was the friend you always liked. You didn't trust too many men, but he was the one and maybe only, that you took a liking to. I am so sorry you are not here to see him when he returns. He really liked you, too. I love you Parker. I will repeat myself again and again. I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU. As I have told you, I have changed. I am not the same as I used to be. I am more serious and less fun. Underneath, I am still bearing the pain of losing you. I still yearn for your to be here. I can't do many things I used to if they had involved you. It hurts too much. You brothers miss you. I had Leroy smell your jacket and he wagged his tail. It made me feel so good. I fell as though he felt your presence was near. You were all such good dogs. My loss has taken me to a different level. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH PARKER. THIS LETTER WOULD BE 100 PAGES IF I WROTE THE REASONS WHY. I MISS YOU SO MUCH PARKER. Please stay near. I need your spirit with me. With us. LOVE ALWAYS AND FOREVER IN ETERNITY, MOM Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. By Roger Caras
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