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Guilt_beyond_imagination

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About Guilt_beyond_imagination

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    Advanced Member

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Dog owner
  • Date of Death
    12/24/2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Stroudsburg PA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Pennsylvania

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  1. TO MY SWEETHEART PARKER, FOREVER I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER YOU WILL BE NEAR TO MY HEART TIME IS CATCHING UP TO WHEN I LOST YOU AND I KNOW I WILL ONCE AGAIN BE BROKEN. I’M SORRY MY LITTLE PEANUT, MY HOLIDAYS DO NOT EXIST ANYMORE. YOUR BROTHERS ARE MISSING YOU, TOO. NOTHING IS THE SAME HERE. THEY TOOK YOU FROM US, AND I ASK, “WHY?” I LOVE YOU, MOM I Only Wanted You They say memories are golden well maybe that is true. I never wanted memories, I only wanted you. A million times I needed you, a million times I cried. If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, In death I love you still. In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill. If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane, I’d walk the path to heaven and bring you back again. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same. But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again. Author unknown
  2. I wish I could feel exuberant about the holidays as I did this day last year. That was 2 days before this nightmare began when my husband badgered me how urgently my dogs needed teeth cleaning. (Which was far from the truth.) I allowed him to let them get a pre-op and for him to take over my role taking care of MY dogs. In a few weeks, on Xmas Eve, my healthy, lovable, innocent 6-yr old dog would never come home alive. He was there only a short while and gone just like that. As if he was brought there to die. No explanation. No apology. My world went dark for months especially after learning of the lies and broken laws. Here I am, a year later, feeling guilt and the darkness again. There is nothing for me to celebrate except that I cherish my 2 other dogs who desperately miss their Alpha brother. I have no children. My dogs are my children. I don't feel the holiday spirit. I am not the same. My spirit was broken the day I got that call. I still harbor resentment toward my husband and I grieve and feel differently about my loss than he. My dark place is somewhere he does not understand. So, for the next 5 or so weeks, I will be drifting in and out of my dark place. I want the rest of you to enjoy your holiday the best you can in your situation. I don't wish the dark place on anyone. ~ Parker's Mom
  3. To our wonderful brother Parker who we miss every day. Life is not the same without you. We are no longer the Musketeers. We have lost our best friend. We love you brother. This poem is for you, from us. Love, Porter and Leroy In Memory of a Wonderful Brother By an Unknown Author We hold onto our memories The ones that are so dear To try to keep you always close Now you are not here You were called, it was your time But it is so true You have left a legacy There was no one like you You were very special And we want to say We feel lost in many ways You are not here today But we will never forget you And we know we have been blessed To have you for our Brother Because you were the best
  4. Porter is my sweetie. He and his Beagle brother, Leroy. I adore these guys. I dread the day they get sick. I have always fussed over them, take superb care of them, and never give them table food. I am hoping they live a very long healthy life. There is no reason, good or bad, that their brother Parker is gone. He was not meant to go. I keep thinking it. Saying it. And I will say it until the day I die that he was taken from us by an incompetent monster. I hope the state gives him justice and saves future pets. (That vet was previously sued for the cause of a cat's death by misdiagnosing it. Wish I had known that before this happened.)
  5. TO MY WONDERFUL SWEET PARKER, Yesterday, your brother Porter did something that reminded me of you. I was up late cooking and baking. It was past his bedtime. He wouldn’t go up to bed. He sat there in the kitchen and watched me. He wasn’t looking for a treat or a crumb to fall. He just wanted to be there. It was so much like you when you would follow me around the house and gaze at me. I took that for granted. Parker, I always thought you guys would be here for many, many years. I never experienced a loss of a young pet. My last dog was 16 and he lived a very happy and long life. I thought all of you would live to at least 16. I took it for granted that I had so much more time. I miss the times I would touch your tail and you would turn in a circle. You loved being teased. That made you more playful. I am confused how a playful little boy like you could be gone just like that. So, there I was, cooking and baking. Just like I would for you, I got a bed and blanket for Porter. He looked so relaxed. He laid there and got comfy. He dozed off a few times. It was comforting to have him there. I felt like he just wanted to be near his mom, just like you. I remember last year when I was up late shopping online for your dad’s birthday gift. You tiptoed into the room. It was so nice that you wanted to be with me. I got a bed for you to make you comfortable. You stayed there and gazed at me with your sparkling brown eyes. Last night, Porter reminded me of you. It was a great moment, but also bittersweet because I also wanted you there. I cried. I longed to see you. When I was done, your brother was happy to follow me upstairs to his bed. He made me feel so good being by my side. I miss that of you. Porter was able to give that to me. He has been staying downstairs a lot while I am still there. He waits for me to go upstairs. That also reminds me of you. There were many times when we were all going up to sleep, and you would be the first to run up the stairs, so excited to go to your bed. You and Porter would sleep close together and cuddle. I don’t know if Porter is missing that and if that is why he waits until I am ready to go up. Everything here has changed. The 6-year routine no longer exists. My little leader, we are lost without you. It was you who filled us with sunshine, energy, and joy. Nothing is the same. I am not the same. This has taken a toll on me. You belong here. Someone decided your fate and it was not a higher power. I wish you could talk to me and tell me what happened. I need a sign from you. I’m losing faith in signs and spirits. Please come to me in a dream. I want to see you as you were. I am so sorry, my baby. I hope someday I will see you again. I don’t know if that even exists. It breaks my heart that I may never see you again. PARKER, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT’S IMMEASURABLE. Here is a poem for you, and a picture of your brother Porter as he stayed by my side last night. I LOVE YOU PARKER. FOREVER. LOVE, MOM He Was Just My Dog By Unknown Author He was my other eyes that could see above the clouds; my other ears that heard above the winds. He was the part of me that could reach out into the sea. He had told me a thousand times over that I was his reason for being; by the way he rested against my leg; by the way he wagged his tail at my smallest smile; by the way he showed he hurt when I left without taking him along (I think it made him sick with worry because he was not along to care for me). When I was wrong, he was delighted to forgive. When I was angry, he clowned to make me smile. When I was happy, he was joy unbounded. When I was a fool, he ignored it. When I succeeded, he bragged. Without him, I am only another person. With him, I was all powerful. He was loyalty itself. He had taught me the meaning of devotion. With him, I knew a secret comfort and a private peace. He had brought me understanding where before I was ignorant. His head on my knee could heal my human hurts. His kisses on my tears washed away my bad feelings. His presence by my side was protection against my fears of dark and unknown things. He had promised to wait for me…whenever…wherever…in case I need him. And I expect I will — as I always have — he was just my dog. PORTER (PARKER'S BROTHER)
  6. Neloa, I know how you feel. I have been apologizing to his brothers nearly every day. I see their said faces. I know they are grieving. I know they miss him. He was the Alpha Dog, the life and sunshine here. I also ask, how do you show or explain this to their siblings? I don't tell my husband how I feel. He lacks understanding and empathy. That causes me to be more alone. I see a counselor. My husband goes. The counselors sees my husband doesn't show feelings and doesn't understand how I feel. I keep it to myself. I won't blame you for Stubbie's death. I know you feel partly to blame, just as I do. I just know in life, there are things we can prevent. Sometimes we get too busy and lose sight. I do believe some things are preventable, otherwise "intuition" would not be a word. I had intuition something was not right and I had my fear about this "routine" dental, but I got caught up in other things and tried not to argue with my husband after he insisted this was necessary. It was not. Only "a matter of life or death" surgery is necessary. I am bitter for many reasons. I am also angry with myself. I can relate to what you feel. I am so sorry for what happened to Stubbie and what you are going through. This is a long road we have ahead of us. ~ Parker's Mom
  7. kayc, it is on Christmas Eve, of all days. A day that's supposed to be happy and until further notice, I will never be able to celebrate my holidays again. My birthday is in December. December this year does not exist for me. I have ripped it off my calendar. I will never forgive myself since I had time to halt this and I failed to do so. I cannot forgive my husband. He set the plan in motion. I am thinking of asking him to write my Parker a letter telling him he's sorry and how much he loves and misses him. I don't think that will happen. My husband is not that type. He is certainly a caveman. I suffer alone in my grief due to his lack of understanding and lack of empathy. He said he doesn't understand what a dark place means. Maybe he should just leave. I would have been better off without him. My shining light has gone out here. I watch Leroy in sadness everyday. He doesn't deserve this. Parker's brother, Porter, has been waiting downstairs at night, I think waiting for Parker to come. This has shattered my home. These 2 dogs wake up with unbelievable energy. They run down the stairs. There is no coughing, No hacking. No tiredness. That was the same for Parker. He had more energy than these 2 guys. He was the first up in the morning and the only one who always wanted to play. There was nothing wrong him. I curse that vet blaming the food I fed them. He waited till my dog died to say that. He knew the whole time what I fed them and if it was a concern, he should have taken precaution. He did nothing. He didn't make a plan. I'll swear on my life my dog's fear had a lot to do with this and that vet never called me as I requested, to ask to abort the procedure due to his fear. I believe he was gone for hours until that vet could think of what to say, that's when he called with nothing much to say, just blame the food. I allowed him to go there with the feeling that something wasn't right. My husband brought him there. We gave that vet permission to do whatever he wanted to my dog, including kill him, or allow him to die. I can't erase the guilt. It's embedded in my brain and heart. All I had to do was say NO. I had that morning to keep him home. I don't know what happened. Why I didn't. This was not my regular vet. Then I found out all the things he left out, did not do by law, and lies. I cannot believe we took him away from his regular vet for 5.5 years. Why? Why would we do that? I'm beside myself. My 2 babies keep me going. They need me. ~ Parker's Mom
  8. DEAR PARKER, The time I lost you is coming up. I don’t know how I will handle it. I have been feeling low and down. I guess I’m not good at handling loss. Especially the way I lost you. If you lived a long life and I knew you had a long, happy life, but it was time, I would save you from suffering, and unselfishly let you go. What happened to you is much different. I have a hard time with it. Parker, I had time to change this. I had time to decide to keep you home. I didn’t, even though I had a suspicion and I didn't feel right about it. I tried thinking positive. Now I have lived with guilt. Guilt beyond imagination. I don’t know what to do or how to feel anymore. I cry so much because I feel partly at fault. I miss you and I feel I have no right to tell you I love you after letting you go there. Why should you believe me? How can I say I love you when I allowed this? I wonder that myself. I always did everything possible to keep you boys from harm. Sometimes I overdid it, but you were always safe. Where did I fail? How did I fail? I took you away from your brothers. I let you go. Why? I ask why you? You were not sick or old. Why did this happen? I am beyond sad. I miss you so much. I am not exaggerating when I say it is very quiet here without you. I miss my little model. I haven’t used the sewing machine since you are not here. I put it back in its box. I miss my little crumb picker. You would look all around for any morsel or crumb to fall while I heard the pitter-patter of your tiny feet. I miss your little howling bark. You always had “the last bark” when you boys would crowd around the window and bark. It was your tiny bark that I heard last. Parker, I have bad dreams about what may have happened. I think sometimes you were crying and full of fear. You must have felt we abandoned you. I wish I could go back and change this! Please believe when I say I am so very sorry and that I really do love and miss you. The only way now to make this up to you is to keep writing you and to take extra good care of your brothers. They are so sad without you. Porter has been waiting downstairs at night and won’t come up for a while. I think he is waiting for you. I know he is. Leroy looks for you all the time. When he is in his bed, he lies with his back to us. I think this is how he is mourning. We are all mourning. I want you here. You are gone. I don’t know if I will ever see you again. I am doubting signs. I haven’t seen any in a long time. Maybe they don’t exist. Maybe you are gone forever. Too hard for me to process. So much of this is seems like it’s real and this is just a dream. I want to look at your pictures and videos so I can live in the moment, but it’s difficult. I’m not ready yet. I haven’t found a way to cope with you gone, even after all this time. I’ve never felt this lost and down before. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY LITTLE PEANUT. I MISS YOU. PLEASE BELIEVE ME. Love, MOM
  9. I wrote this for my little Parker who should be here today. I miss you so much Parker. Life Without You (written by your Mom, to you, Parker) A whisper to your brothers for a kiss goes unnoticed I would be showered with kisses if you were here Life without you leaves me lonesome without your love An attempt to play with your brother leaves him confused You would run and chase me if you were here Life without you, there is no fun Each room I enter is empty. No sign of you at all Yet I can picture you seated, gazing at me, with your beautiful face smiling at me It’s only a picture in my mind because it’s life without you I think about our runs in the yard while you sniffed the flowers in between I wish we could still run together so I could watch you have fun I only dream about this now because I live life without you My Alpha Dog, you were the spunk and drive that got things going You were all my little “maniacs” when you got the party started Now it is all quiet. This is life without you I had so many plans for you boys this summer I was to take portraits and set them in acrylic that I could cherish forever It doesn’t seem right to take them now while I live my life without you I long to see you follow me around. I look for you, but you are not there You were full of energy. The funny things you did could keep me laughing for hours It’s wrong that your happy face can’t brighten up the room anymore. This is life without you I don’t know why I had to lose you so young, My Little Peanut. I can’t make sense of it I am sad, lonely, and I love and miss you so much. I want to hold and squeeze you Parker, my loving little baby, I cry for you always, sometimes for days I am lost and it’s been so difficult, but I have to find a way to live my life without you ~ Mom I Love You Forever, Parker, my sweet Little Peanut
  10. From my little Parker. He watches over me. I LOVE YOU FOREVER PARKER. PLEASE NEVER GO AWAY. PLEASE STAY NEAR. I Walk With You I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep. I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep. I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear, “It’s me, I haven’t left you, I’m well, I’m fine, I’m here.” I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea, You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me. I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore. I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more. I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care. I want to reassure you, that I’m not lying there. I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key. I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said, “It’s me.” You looked so very tired and sank into a chair. I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there. It’s possible for me, to be so near you every day. To say to you with certainty, “I never went away.” You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew… in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you. The day is over, and I smile and watch you yawning and say, “Goodnight, God bless, I’ll see you in the morning.” And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, I’ll rush across to greet you and we’ll stand side by side. I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see. Be patient, live your journey out, then come home to be with me. Author unknown
  11. TO MY BELOVED PARKER, A LOVABLE, INNOCENT LIFE LOST Parker, I want to tell you that I am sorry for every time I said, “No” to you. For every time I said, “Go inside.” For every time it sounded like I didn’t want you to have fun. It wasn’t because I didn’t want you to have fun, or I didn’t love you. Most of the time it was because I didn’t want you to get hurt. Maybe you were coming near something or near where you might get hurt. If you were going to jump up onto the bed, I would tell you not to. I did not want you to pull out your back or let something else happen to you. When I told you to go inside it was because I may have been doing something where you could have gotten hurt or something could have fallen onto you. I also said and did this with your brothers, too. I am so very sorry Parker if at anytime I sounded mean to you. I love you and I was only watching out for you. I always wanted you by my side. Why wouldn’t I? You were quiet and undemanding. I never felt you were a bother. I always hugged you and your brothers after I thought maybe either of you felt offended. I wish you were here today. I wish you were here every day. I don’t know what to do some days without you. Leroy sleeps most of the time if it is not nice out since he cannot be out on the deck. I know you and he would be playing all day long, inside and outside, it never mattered. All together you were my entertainment. You got the fun going. Watching the three of you was better than TV or a movie. It’s not fun most of the time. Your brother Porter is amusing when he rolls around on his back, pants when he’s excited, and funny when he looks out the window. Leroy is funny with his special noise he makes when yawning. He’s funny when he plays with his squeaky and when we try to take it away from him. Most of that doesn’t happen on dreary, rainy days. No matter what weather was outside, you were always “up” and ready to play, tease, and have fun. The cold and dreary weather is upon me. If there are any signs from you, they will need to be inside on most days. I am blocking out the entire month of December from my mind out of respect for you. It will be an awful month for me. I don’t know if I will be writing to you. I don’t know if I will go into seclusion. I don’t know if I will want to ski or do much this coming winter. It has now become a wrong time of year for me. I look forward to spring, but right now that is a long way off. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART, MY SWEETIE. AGAIN, I WILL SAY THAT I MISS YOU. I WILL KEEP ON TELLING YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE AND MISS YOU. LOVE, MOM
  12. kayc, You will find a dog you can love again and who will love you. Oh, how they love us so. They are all perfect, but some are perfect at the right time, maybe when we need them most. Just as you wrote, it will be its unique qualities you will gain to appreciate and love. Arlie will watch over you and your new one. ~ Parker's Mom
  13. For you kayc: They Will Not Go Quietly They will not go quietly, the pets who’ve shared our lives. In subtle ways they let us know their spirit still survives. Old habits still can make us think we hear them at the door Or step back when we drop a tasty morsel on the floor. Our feet still go around the place the food dish used to be, And, sometimes, coming home at night, we miss them terribly. And although time may bring new friends and a new food dish to fill, That one place in our hearts belongs to them… and always will. -- Unknown
  14. To My Wonderful Little Boy Who Gave So Much Love And Asked For None In Return,I Love You. I would give my life for you. You had so much more to live for. This poem is for you, My Little Peanut. Tribute to a Best Friend Sunlight streams through windowpane onto a spot on the floor... then I remember, it's where you used to lie, but now you are no more. Our feet walk down a hall of carpet, and muted echoes sound... then I remember, it's where your paws would joyously abound. A voice is heard along the road, and up beyond the hill, then I remember, it can't be yours… your golden voice is still. But I'll take that vacant spot of floor and empty muted hall, and lay them with the absent voice and unused dish along the wall. I'll wrap these treasured memories in a blanket of my love, and keep them for my best friend until we meet above. Author Unknown
  15. Hi Kay, You sound sad missing Arlie. He sounds special. You had so many great times with him. I don't think I will get another dog. I was tempted to get one for company for Leroy (Beagle) because he is missing his Alpha Dog brother. I may not find one that has that chemistry that they had, plus, I don't want to go through another loss. You have such fond memories of Arlie and they seem so fresh in your mind. I do hope we see them again. This just can't be it. ~ Parker's Mom
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