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About Guilt_beyond_imagination

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    Tina - Parker's Mom
  • Birthday December 9

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Dog owner
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Stroudsburg PA

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  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
  • Interests
    Dog rescue volunteer and foster mom. Cooking; baking; gardening and canning; skiing; theater and movies; almost every music genre, and caring for my 2 sweet little rescue dogs who I have had since pups and who dearly miss their wonderful and loving brother who passed tragically. I treasure their presence and continue to meticulously and lovingly care for them as always. Parker, you will always be in my heart.

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  1. Kay, How did that happen to you when you gave the blood? Besides your BP, were you also under the minimum weight? My blood pressure is normally pretty low. In the past I've been asked if I was alive because it was so low. I'm sort of scared because this is my first time. I have usually been too underweight to give it. I've gained a few pounds, enough to be over the minimum. Besides being scared of my own blood, I don't know if I will faint if I glance over. Don't they take a pint or something like that? I never look when I get a little vial taken from me. I'm sorry about Arlie for you as well. I'm sorry for everyone who is going through this awful time. Those who are losing their pets, but have also lost family and friends to this awful virus. Being of Italian descent, I am so saddened about the Lombardy region in particular which has lost so many. I early retired from Sanofi who is a leader in vaccines and one of largest pharma companies. They manufacture vaccines 10 miles from my house. I am seeking work there as a a temp. Haven't heard anything yet. I want to help as much as I can with this. It's not for the money, although my husband works for United and he's most likely going to be laid off or lose his job. They are losing $100 million a day. He said the planes are empty, and that's at Newark, a huge airport. Keeping the world in my heart that this goes away quickly. Be careful out there. I've heard from reliable sources on TV that if someone who has it can transfer it to our pet's fur and then we can get it even though our pets are not symptomatic. I think that's how it's been going with children who are not symptomatic, they may be carrying it. Scary time now. Stay safe. Practice the Japanese bow and you won't have to get close or elbow greet someone who just sneezed into their elbow. (I never thought that greeting idea was very smart.) ~ Parker's Mom - Tina *I just realized. I don't think I can give blood if I am not feeling well and possibly have this virus.
  2. TO MY LITTLE MAN, Hi there my sweet Parker. I miss you so much. I finally hung up a tribute to you with your pictures. I don’t look closely at it because it still hurts me, but it’s there and I feel in my heart that you deserve to be honored. I want to thank you for looking out for your brother Leroy and keeping him safe during his surgery. He came out like a champ. He’s such a happy dog. I still see sadness in his eyes because he misses you, his best friend. He is taking it well wearing a cone for the second time in 4 months. I know with your doggie powers from above that his biopsy will be good. I trust in you. Now, I need your help again, Parker, my precious one. Your brother Porter lost a tooth and he has signs of periodontal disease. He has two loose bottom teeth and he is in pain, so they need to be removed. I am, once again, petrified. I need you, my sweetheart to do all you can to watch over him and keep him safe. His pancreatic and liver levels were checked. Both were a little high. This was a routine check-up for him. His pancreatitis hasn’t shown recent symptoms. He is full of energy. I need to discuss the details with Dr. Chris. Last year Porter had IV and medication treatment and afterward his pancreatic level was still somewhat high. It seemed he may run a little high because by that time he was feeling well. The liver and pancreas results are cleared for Porter for his extractions, but I still worry because of what happened with you. I trust you Parker to get Porter through this. I'm on pins and needles. Your strength and love when you were here, continues to shroud us. You are missed and loved. Parker, you are our shining light. Please keep Porter safe. This procedure is not elective. It’s necessary. Things are bad enough going on in the world. Sad things. I’m affected by it. I’ve been told I tend to hold the world on my shoulders. I may have been sick from it. I had the symptoms and was sick for over 3 weeks. I have stayed in the house. I had no energy to go out. I am still feeling rundown and yesterday I had the chills with the heat pumped up. I'm very tired and cold right now. It may not be gone. It's cold outside. Where is spring? When I lost you, my personal world went dark. The tragedy occurring throughout the world has now darkened my world even more. I have always wished for world peace, which is asking for much. We now have a very serious problem that no one would have expected in this lifetime. I want to help and pay it forward. Giving blood next week is a step. My new greeting has been a Japanese Bow. It’s respectful and it keeps the social distance. I am keeping your harness close to me with your squeaky toys. They will never take the place of you in person, but they are part of you that I can cherish. I will be writing you again. Your birthday is coming up. That will be a difficult day for me. I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH. YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY. I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU. PLEASE DON’T FORGET ME. I LOVE YOU, MOM *I just realized. I don't think I can give blood if I am not feeling well and possibly have this virus.
  3. MY DEAR PRECIOUS BABY, Hello Parker. Mom misses you so much. I need your presence to lighten up the tension for me. Things are in a turmoil here in the world. We have a serious virus circulating the globe. It's caused people to get sick and die and caused financial problems for mostly all of us in every which way. Some people can't work for all different reasons, all kinds of events have been cancelled from towns to big cities. Nothing was ever the same for me when I lost you. Now nothing is the same anymore for almost the entire world. I cry for those who have been affected by the illness and death. In a flash this happened, and experts are unsure what path it will take because they are still learning about this disease. I am worried your dad may lose his job. They haven't been testing them at work so I also worry he could get the virus since he works in a high-risk job. After what happened to you, I learned to trust my intuition. I neglected to do that at first and that is why you are not here. I take full blame for not listening to my feelings. I wish I had taken my doubting thoughts more seriously. I am truly sorry. Sorry doesn't make it right or bring you back. At the end of last year, I had strange and strong feelings about this new year. They were not good. I had premonitions that people close to me and your dad may get sick and may pass away. The first week of the new year, our friend Ken, had a stroke. He's home now, but his left side is not good. He is only 59. He's single and doesn't take good care of himself. We don't see him lasting long because of that. You always liked Ken. You warmed up to him each time he was here. I wish you were here. You would cheer me up. I played some music today and I pictured dancing with you to some of the songs. It made me sad that I couldn’t scoop you up and do a little Hustle like we used to. I was always so gentle with you, you with your teeny Chihuahua feet. I would kneel on the floor and you loved to dance. Oh, how I miss that. Parker, with this pandemic disease and the stock market in such unsteadiness, I may have lost most of my retirement in the last 10 days. If things don’t get better, and may I lose almost all of it, it could take me over deep end physically. I am already stressing. I’ve had a tough year without you, trying to figure out what I could have done better, constantly blaming myself, blaming your dad, and worrying even more about your brothers, thinking anything can happen to them. Your brother Leroy had surgery at the end of July. He had some lumps that needed to be biopsied, plus one was on his eyelid. Luckily, they were benign. Now I face the challenge of taking it in stride that he is going on Monday, March 16 to have another lump removed. I feel I got lucky the last time when he recovered. Sometimes I don’t feel I have much luck and it worries me if he will be okay and recover. Your other brother desperately needs his teeth cleaned and I dread that procedure, too. I am lucky to have a young, up to date with medicine, and cautious vet. You know. Dr. Chris. You always liked him. He was your vet for 5.5 years. I made the mistake by going somewhere else just for a simple routine teeth cleaning and that other guy couldn’t even get it right. I didn’t feel right about it and I still let you go. Now I miss you all the time. Parker, the country and the world are in peril. We have all been hit with this bomb of a crisis and no one really knows the answers. It’s all speculation and theories right now. We don’t know what’s coming next. I’m stressed about it, my finances, and our home situation. I am having chest pains and I am not sick with the virus. I’m not a spring chicken and I’ve pushed myself to the limit these last 15 months. I should have been exercising and eating good and I haven’t. Parker, please know that I will always love you and I always hope I will see you again one day. I don’t know if that could ever happen, that’s another thing that worries me. That this is it and the only contact I have with you are these letters. I don’t know if there is another place and if you would be there. I wish I knew a lot more about a lot of things right now. I LOVE YOU DEARLY. FOREVER AND EVER. I MISS YOUR SMILING AND HAPPY FACE. YOU WERE A BEAUTIFUL LOVING AND CARING FRIEND. When your bother didn’t feel well, he would retreat to his crate to be alone. You would stand outside the crate, pacing. You were worried about him. Eventually you found a way to go in the crate with him, lied close him, and give him comfort. Such a good quality for a sweet little dog. You always sensed it when any of us needed comfort. You would be right there. I MISS YOU SO MUCH MY LITTLE ALPHA DOG. YOU WERE TAKEN TOO SOON. I AM BROKENHEARTED. LOVING YOU FOREVER, YOU MOM
  4. PARKER, MY SWEETHEART, I haven't been writing as much as I'd like. It hurts so much to write because it is the reality you are not here, next to me. I cannot seem to accept you are gone. I'm sorry I have not been able to view your ashes in the cabinet. They are in the box in a bag. I cannot open the cabinet. I wonder sometimes if I see it, will it ease my pain and allow me to accept it, or will it make me feel worse. I haven't set up a tribute to you yet. Is that wrong? I have a hard time viewing your pictures. I don't know how I uploaded the few pictures on this forum. The pain of losing you is still intense for me. I have sudden crying outbursts, of course when I am alone. I don't show my sadness around others. I try not to upset your brothers. I think they worry about me when I cry. I remember how close you were with them. There were times when Porter didn't feel well and went into his crate. You would stand outside the crate looking at him. Sometimes you would go in with him and lie next to him. You were so caring. Always worried about everyone else. Like you were human. I wish our pets could talk. Just think how much we could know and help get you better if you told us how you felt. We would have so much more time with you. You would have told me so much that day. I know "please" would have been asked over and over. You would have pleaded with me to stay home. I know I would have listened. I should have listened to my heart. My heart told me you should have stayed, but I let myself down, and of course I let you down. Parker, how am I going to get through this? It's been 14 months and I still feel my loss. Everyday. I called Leroy by your name the other day, and I broke down. It was when I dressed them to go outside. It's always the time I notice your absence more. You were were always the first one and you were always done so fast. You had no issues with anything. There was nothing wrong with you. You were only missing a voice to talk to me. I am your voice now. I taking care of it. I hope your voice is heard. It means a lot to me and to help save others. I'm hoping for the best so you can rest peacefully. There are advantages of being old. I get a senior discount at the movies and supermarket. Other discounts. I lived through a generation I would never trade. Wisdom. Most of all, each day I get closer to Rainbow Bridge. I want to be healthy for your brothers, but I know the day will come when I will grieve again, and again. I dread it, but after that, maybe my time will come when I can be with all of you, and Max, my first dog decades ago. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I can't believe any of this has happened, but I see on the forum that people suffer losses every day. Like many others, I feel I can't believe this has happened. It never seems real, but it is. I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU PARKER. LOVE, MOM "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." ~ Will Rogers
  5. My Loving Little Parker, I am so, so sorry. I can't let it go that I feel partly to blame for you not being here. I think about you all day, everyday. I called your brother by your name by mistake, and I broke down. I miss you so much. I will write you again, very soon. I just needed to let you know that I have not forgotten you. I yearn to hold you and receive your big kisses. Your brothers are the only reason I keep going. They need me and I need them, too. I loved you all the same, but I miss you immensely. It's one day at a time for me. I wish I knew for sure if we would be together again. It would give me some relief. I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE BABY. LOVE, MOM
  6. My Sweet Little Peanut, I want you to know that I gave you a voice. It was time for you to be heard. Your message was strong and straightforward. The letter was brought to that vet's office by me, in person. I remember him telling me, "It happens" when he called that horrible day. He didn't have the decency to call me when trouble arose. He waited until you were already gone. He had nothing else to say. He knew he was wrong and later I found out he was full of lies. That's okay, because karma is a powerful thing.I wish you were here instead. It's difficult to look at your picture. I LOVE YOU. You will have a voice again on your birthday. Remember me? You should. I was in your care, but not for long before you went home, feasted, and celebrated Christmas Eve, Christmas, and then the New Year. I’ll bet you celebrated as if everything was copacetic while I laid in your morgue in a plastic bag. I had two brief visits there and on the third, you managed to silence me forever. The total of the three visits was only a few hours. I was the sunshine with infinite energy in my home, and I was so young. My brothers lost their best friend. My Mom blamed herself for bringing me there. It’s not her fault. It was you or your tech to last see me alive and did not save me, you know, allowed me to die. My family’s holidays were destroyed. I’m sure you know why. You can’t forget so easily. Their holidays are ruined this year, too, for the same reason. My parents still grieve. So do my brothers. I’ll bet you’ll be celebrating your holidays this year, just like last, like nothing happened. Enjoy yourself just as you did last year. I won’t see you up here where I am. Most make it up here, but some wind up somewhere else, you know, "It happens." Remember me. I may visit you in your dreams. From Heaven, Parker
  7. Hi Marty. Do you accept PayPal? I'd like to contribute to help keep the site going. You have comforted me in my darkest times. ~ Parker's Mom (Tina)(Guilt_Beyond_Imagination)
  8. My son, I'm feeling guilty because I haven't written in a long time. I haven't had much to say because I can only wish for you to return and I know that's impossible. One of our friends had a stroke and we've been helping him out. His mental capacity is there, but he is not doing well physically and then he got the flu on top of it. He was the friend you always liked. You didn't trust too many men, but he was the one and maybe only, that you took a liking to. I am so sorry you are not here to see him when he returns. He really liked you, too. I love you Parker. I will repeat myself again and again. I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU. As I have told you, I have changed. I am not the same as I used to be. I am more serious and less fun. Underneath, I am still bearing the pain of losing you. I still yearn for your to be here. I can't do many things I used to if they had involved you. It hurts too much. You brothers miss you. I had Leroy smell your jacket and he wagged his tail. It made me feel so good. I fell as though he felt your presence was near. You were all such good dogs. My loss has taken me to a different level. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH PARKER. THIS LETTER WOULD BE 100 PAGES IF I WROTE THE REASONS WHY. I MISS YOU SO MUCH PARKER. Please stay near. I need your spirit with me. With us. LOVE ALWAYS AND FOREVER IN ETERNITY, MOM Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. By Roger Caras
  9. To Parker, My Lovable Little Boy, You no longer greet us as we walk through the door or make us smile and laugh, our little comedian. Life seems quiet without you. You gave this home its shining light. Without you there's more darkness. You were more than a pet, you were a family member, friend, and loving soul. You are forever in our hearts and always on our minds. We will never forget you. Our hearts will always wear the paw prints you left behind. 🐾 Your love still fills the air that we breathe. I Love you forever, Mom
  10. TO MY SWEETHEART PARKER, FOREVER I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER YOU WILL BE NEAR TO MY HEART TIME IS CATCHING UP TO WHEN I LOST YOU AND I KNOW I WILL ONCE AGAIN BE BROKEN. I’M SORRY MY LITTLE PEANUT, MY HOLIDAYS DO NOT EXIST ANYMORE. YOUR BROTHERS ARE MISSING YOU, TOO. NOTHING IS THE SAME HERE. THEY TOOK YOU FROM US, AND I ASK, “WHY?” I LOVE YOU, MOM I Only Wanted You They say memories are golden well maybe that is true. I never wanted memories, I only wanted you. A million times I needed you, a million times I cried. If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, In death I love you still. In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill. If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane, I’d walk the path to heaven and bring you back again. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same. But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again. Author unknown
  11. I wish I could feel exuberant about the holidays as I did this day last year. That was 2 days before this nightmare began when my husband badgered me how urgently my dogs needed teeth cleaning. (Which was far from the truth.) I allowed him to let them get a pre-op and for him to take over my role taking care of MY dogs. In a few weeks, on Xmas Eve, my healthy, lovable, innocent 6-yr old dog would never come home alive. He was there only a short while and gone just like that. As if he was brought there to die. No explanation. No apology. My world went dark for months especially after learning of the lies and broken laws. Here I am, a year later, feeling guilt and the darkness again. There is nothing for me to celebrate except that I cherish my 2 other dogs who desperately miss their Alpha brother. I have no children. My dogs are my children. I don't feel the holiday spirit. I am not the same. My spirit was broken the day I got that call. I still harbor resentment toward my husband and I grieve and feel differently about my loss than he. My dark place is somewhere he does not understand. So, for the next 5 or so weeks, I will be drifting in and out of my dark place. I want the rest of you to enjoy your holiday the best you can in your situation. I don't wish the dark place on anyone. ~ Parker's Mom
  12. To our wonderful brother Parker who we miss every day. Life is not the same without you. We are no longer the Musketeers. We have lost our best friend. We love you brother. This poem is for you, from us. Love, Porter and Leroy In Memory of a Wonderful Brother By an Unknown Author We hold onto our memories The ones that are so dear To try to keep you always close Now you are not here You were called, it was your time But it is so true You have left a legacy There was no one like you You were very special And we want to say We feel lost in many ways You are not here today But we will never forget you And we know we have been blessed To have you for our Brother Because you were the best
  13. Porter is my sweetie. He and his Beagle brother, Leroy. I adore these guys. I dread the day they get sick. I have always fussed over them, take superb care of them, and never give them table food. I am hoping they live a very long healthy life. There is no reason, good or bad, that their brother Parker is gone. He was not meant to go. I keep thinking it. Saying it. And I will say it until the day I die that he was taken from us by an incompetent monster. I hope the state gives him justice and saves future pets. (That vet was previously sued for the cause of a cat's death by misdiagnosing it. Wish I had known that before this happened.)
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