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Guilt_beyond_imagination

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About Guilt_beyond_imagination

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    Advanced Member

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Dog owner
  • Date of Death
    12/24/2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Stroudsburg PA

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  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Pennsylvania

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  1. TO MY BELOVED PARKER, A LOVABLE, INNOCENT LIFE LOST Parker, I want to tell you that I am sorry for every time I said, “No” to you. For every time I said, “Go inside.” For every time it sounded like I didn’t want you to have fun. It wasn’t because I didn’t want you to have fun, or I didn’t love you. Most of the time it was because I didn’t want you to get hurt. Maybe you were coming near something or near where you might get hurt. If you were going to jump up onto the bed, I would tell you not to. I did not want you to pull out your back or let something else happen to you. When I told you to go inside it was because I may have been doing something where you could have gotten hurt or something could have fallen onto you. I also said and did this with your brothers, too. I am so very sorry Parker if at anytime I sounded mean to you. I love you and I was only watching out for you. I always wanted you by my side. Why wouldn’t I? You were quiet and undemanding. I never felt you were a bother. I always hugged you and your brothers after I thought maybe either of you felt offended. I wish you were here today. I wish you were here every day. I don’t know what to do some days without you. Leroy sleeps most of the time if it is not nice out since he cannot be out on the deck. I know you and he would be playing all day long, inside and outside, it never mattered. All together you were my entertainment. You got the fun going. Watching the three of you was better than TV or a movie. It’s not fun most of the time. Your brother Porter is amusing when he rolls around on his back, pants when he’s excited, and funny when he looks out the window. Leroy is funny with his special noise he makes when yawning. He’s funny when he plays with his squeaky and when we try to take it away from him. Most of that doesn’t happen on dreary, rainy days. No matter what weather was outside, you were always “up” and ready to play, tease, and have fun. The cold and dreary weather is upon me. If there are any signs from you, they will need to be inside on most days. I am blocking out the entire month of December from my mind out of respect for you. It will be an awful month for me. I don’t know if I will be writing to you. I don’t know if I will go into seclusion. I don’t know if I will want to ski or do much this coming winter. It has now become a wrong time of year for me. I look forward to spring, but right now that is a long way off. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART, MY SWEETIE. AGAIN, I WILL SAY THAT I MISS YOU. I WILL KEEP ON TELLING YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE AND MISS YOU. LOVE, MOM
  2. kayc, You will find a dog you can love again and who will love you. Oh, how they love us so. They are all perfect, but some are perfect at the right time, maybe when we need them most. Just as you wrote, it will be its unique qualities you will gain to appreciate and love. Arlie will watch over you and your new one. ~ Parker's Mom
  3. For you kayc: They Will Not Go Quietly They will not go quietly, the pets who’ve shared our lives. In subtle ways they let us know their spirit still survives. Old habits still can make us think we hear them at the door Or step back when we drop a tasty morsel on the floor. Our feet still go around the place the food dish used to be, And, sometimes, coming home at night, we miss them terribly. And although time may bring new friends and a new food dish to fill, That one place in our hearts belongs to them… and always will. -- Unknown
  4. To My Wonderful Little Boy Who Gave So Much Love And Asked For None In Return,I Love You. I would give my life for you. You had so much more to live for. This poem is for you, My Little Peanut. Tribute to a Best Friend Sunlight streams through windowpane onto a spot on the floor... then I remember, it's where you used to lie, but now you are no more. Our feet walk down a hall of carpet, and muted echoes sound... then I remember, it's where your paws would joyously abound. A voice is heard along the road, and up beyond the hill, then I remember, it can't be yours… your golden voice is still. But I'll take that vacant spot of floor and empty muted hall, and lay them with the absent voice and unused dish along the wall. I'll wrap these treasured memories in a blanket of my love, and keep them for my best friend until we meet above. Author Unknown
  5. Hi Kay, You sound sad missing Arlie. He sounds special. You had so many great times with him. I don't think I will get another dog. I was tempted to get one for company for Leroy (Beagle) because he is missing his Alpha Dog brother. I may not find one that has that chemistry that they had, plus, I don't want to go through another loss. You have such fond memories of Arlie and they seem so fresh in your mind. I do hope we see them again. This just can't be it. ~ Parker's Mom
  6. Lost Without You, My Little Peanut I seek your affection as time passes. I know you were the one who gave that to me. It was your unfaltering affection that kept me comfortable and content. You filled me with confidence with your unconditional love. My little boy, I miss you so much. Every day I cannot believe you are gone. It’s hard for me to understand how you were taken away under the circumstances. I am weak at the knees that you are not here. You were my guiding light. You showered me with your strength. Your unbelievable zest and zeal awakened our spirits and kept all of us on top of the world. Each day was a special one with you here. You made it special. This is so wrong. We need you here. We need your little doggy face to keep us smiling. We need your cuddles. Will I ever see you again? It hurts. How could this happen? I want you here. I’m so lost without you, my Little Peanut. Parker, so many months have gone by and I am still feeling the pain of my loss. I don’t know how to get by. The days and nights are empty. I have a hollow feeling in my heart. I don’t look forward to the holidays. I want to block out the entire month of December. It is meaningless to me. It will be an unbearable time for me. There will be no holiday in this house this year, maybe never again. It would be wrong to celebrate. Disrespectful to you. I want to jump forward to the new year. Parker, please send me a sign. I need to get through this difficult time. Anniversaries are happy celebrations. It’s not an anniversary. It’s a time I don’t want to remember. I don’t know what to call it, except it may be my journey back into darkness. Parker, I am not sure if you were sending a sign through your brothers the other day. I didn’t finish this letter and sometime in between the day I started writing this and today, a few things happened. I took Porter out and unlike him, he did the “burnout” with his front and back feet, just like you always did when you went out. It was so unlike Porter to do that. I was so surprised, and I didn’t know what to think. He did it with gusto, almost as if it was you doing it. I almost thought it was you because you both looked so similar when looking down at the two of you. The same day another unusual thing happened. Leroy doesn’t play with his squeaky unless he just came in from outside and after he is told he was a good boy for doing “his thing.” That’s when he comes in plays with his squeaky. He gets so excited as if he did a good deed and is proud of himself. The other time he will play with his squeaky is when we are present, and he wants to play. This day was different. I heard him making a lot noise and squeaking his toy while he was out on the deck. I peeked to see what he was doing, and he was playing alone. He was running back and forth squeaking his toy. He did this for a while. I couldn’t figure out why he would do that while alone. He’s never done that before when he was alone. I had a thought that I don’t know if it could be true, but my thought was you were there with him in spirit and he felt your presence. Parker, I hope my beliefs are true. I want to believe you are here in spirit. I hope and want to see you again. I hope the Rainbow Bridge and afterlife beliefs are true. Without you now, I find it so hard to get through the day. You were such a happy little guy. You were everywhere I went. You loved to close and near to me. You always made me smile. I don’t smile much these days. I love your brothers so very much. They are a lot alike, but you were unique. You were the affectionate and lovable one. I miss that. I wish I could go back in time and change all of this. I regret decisions I made. I want you to know that and forgive me. I have a hard time believing you are not here. I cry sometimes and say to myself, “This is not real. It’s all wrong.” It is wrong. Parker, I Love You. Mom is always thinking of you. Day and night. Night and day. I Love You so much. I miss you. Please stay near. I want to feel your spirit. If you could bring so much joy and happiness when you were here, I believe your spirit can do that, too. I Love You Forever, My Little Peanut. Mom
  7. While trying to cope with my loss and heal, I've been looking for signs, trying to keep busy, and listening to music that puts me in another time and another place. I just read that the following song was composed by Charlie Chaplin. A surprise to me. Nearly 20 years later, lyrics were added by songwriters John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons. This first version is sung by Nat King Cole. Maybe this song will put a smile on our faces as most of us have been so sad. The song makes me smile with its musical tone the meaningful lyrics. I hope you get some comfort from this, too.Wishing you peace and comfort.~ Parker's Momhttps://youtu.be/YynxFjMXF1Y
  8. To My Lovable Little Boy and Wonderful Friend, I miss you dearly. You are on my mind every single day. You are part of this family. I cannot go a day without missing you. You missed out on a life that you truly enjoyed. It has been so unfair to you. It's unfair to your brothers. To our home. You were taken. You were way too young. There are so many reasons you should be here. It wasn't a higher power who made the decision. Someone else, someone heartless made the choice to take you away from us by making a careless decision without consulting us. One simple phone call and we would have been there to get you. You would be here now! Healthy! I have a hard time with this. My little boy, you did not deserve this. You loved everyone. Your Mom loves you so much, sometimes I can't sleep because at night I am missing you tremendously and then I think about this horrendous atrocity. I think and think, I hear your cries. I could have been there to help you, to take you home, but you were kept from us. I never got to say goodbye. I'm so sorry my little one. I can't make it right. I can't fix it. That's what hurts so much. It also hurts not knowing for sure if I will see you again. Please send me a message. I need a sign of your love. The love you gave to all of us, all the time. All of us together, couldn't give you back as much love and affection as you gave to us. My beloved Parker, please give us some signs. We miss you. You are always part of us. You made us whole. Your strength, cuteness, devotion, and playfulness will live in my heart forever. I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH. I MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH. ♥️♥️♥️♥️Love,Mom ♥️♥️♥️
  9. TO MY SWEET LITTLE BABY, MY LITTLE PEANUT, I haven’t written to you in a while. Your Mom has been a little down. I couldn’t write for a while. It was hurting too much. I want to make up for it and tell you how much I miss you, my sweet little baby. I have been thinking again about our dancing days. I heard a lot of songs that I would have you dance to with me. I hope you remember some of them. They are mostly oldies. “Sugar, Sugar”, “Limbo Rock”, and “Be My Baby”. You ARE my baby and always will be. The emptiness from losing you has left a hole in my heart. It seems to get bigger as time goes on. My heart is broken. I am broken. It is so much for me to bear sometimes because I know there is no reason you should not be here. I miss you so much, my sweet Little Peanut. Mom has been listening to a beautiful song called “I’ll See You Again.” I hope that is true. I want to see you again. I hope you hear me singing it. I sing it to you, my precious baby. I sing it loud and clear. Especially the first two lines: “Always you will be part of me, and I will forever feel your strength.” I have always been aware of your strength. You were the strong one here. You were the glue. You always amazed me. You never cried or showed any pain when your teeth were fractured from the Nylabone. You were always calm. You never showed weakness. Dr. Chris took good care of you and you were strong. There are so many beautiful words in that song that I sing to you: “You're gone now, gone but not forgotten. I can't say this to your face, but I know you hear.” Please hear me, Parker. I have not forgotten you. Some days are hard for me. I hope you understand, and you are not upset. I don’t want you to be unsettled. More words from the song have so much meaning from me to you: “In my darkest hour I tell myself I'll see you again.” I keep saying to myself that I will see you again. Please know that, my little sweetie. We will be together again. I do feel you beside me. You are here. Watching over us and protecting us with your strength and courage. As the song says: “I'll see you again. You never really left. I feel you walk beside me. I know I'll see you again.” Your brothers miss you. They look around and I think they think you may appear at some point. They don’t understand. I hope you read your brother Leroy’s letter. He loves you so much. You were his best friend. The bestest friend and brother he could have. Your brothers will see you again and someday we will all be together. We all love you and you will never be forgotten. Please know that, my little one, in case I don’t write soon enough. I will keep singing the song to you: “I miss you like crazy. You're gone but not forgotten. I'll never forget you.” I am still praying my novenas. I have faith they will be answered. I will share them with you when all my prayers are answered. You are a special little dog. It is difficult for me without you. I won’t lie. I have some rough days, but you give me strength to take care of your brothers. I Love You so very much. I miss you following me around the house. I haven’t been baking or cooking too much. It is hard when I expect to see you peek around the corner and tiptoe into the kitchen to be with me. Even if I am off-key, I will still sing the song to you: “When I'm lost, I'm missing you like crazy and I tell myself I'm so blessed to have had you in my life.” I am blessed you were here and part of this family. We are still family. I miss you so much. I want to hold you again. I miss your sweet little kisses. I miss your bountiful affection. Remember, My Little Peanut, I Love You forever. My love for you is infinite. LOVE, MOM
  10. My Sweet and Precious Little Baby, I want you to know that part of my novena prayers has been granted. I am still praying for the rest. I will let you know when those are answered.I am thinking of you all the time. I miss you so much. I will be writing more to you later, my sweet little one.I LOVE YOU FOREVER,Love,Mom
  11. A LETTER TO PARKER FROM LEROY, HIS BROTHER My Brother Parker, You and Porter stayed with us for a while before we became brothers. I felt the chemistry the day we met. I remember the teasing and chops busting. We would bust each other all the time, but we know it was all in fun. I think Mom would get nervous thinking we might get too rough, but we knew what we were doing. I will never forget how you cared for me when I was sick. You knew how bad I felt, and you stayed by my side. Mom thinks it was a food allergy and that I’d eat too fast. Mom changed our food and got us those crazy bowls. I figured them out right away. I don’t think she knows that. I act like it’s hard for me to get to my food. I ’ll tell you bro, I’ve felt pretty good since she got me that bowl. I remember you loved licking every last drop of your bowl. I must have picked that up from you. Now I am doing it. My allergies are bothering me. Sneezing a lot. I keep forgetting not to put my face in the grass. I love smelling everything. You hardly had any allergies. I don’t remember you sneezing. I don’t remember you ever getting sick, except that time you had those fractured teeth. By the way, I saw Dr. Chris. I had 2 small lumps and he got rid of them. One was on my eyelid. Mom thought I’d be scared when they removed the stitches. I didn’t even feel it. He also cleaned my teeth. I got my rabies shot, too. It didn’t hurt. Mom let me run around in the garden. There are a lot of pumpkins. She’s been adding pumpkin in our food. I like it. You know I like everything. How about the time I ate cardboard? I don’t do that anymore. It’s so different without you. Where are you, bro? Heaven or something? I never knew where you went. I looked for you for months. I thought you were at someone’s house or something. You never came back. I’m sad, bro. I wish you were here. We had so much fun together. Now it’s boring without you. I sleep a lot. It was so great when you were here. You always wanted to play, and you liked taking my squeaky, but I always got it back from you. We had some crazy times. I didn’t mind you biting my legs. It didn’t hurt. You liked biting my ears, too. I know you were just kidding. Anyway, I could whoop your butt if I wanted, but I never wanted to. I love you brother. I wish you were here now. I’m confused why you’re gone. I heard Mom talking about signs or something like that. She said they may have been from you. Can you give me a sign, too? I want to know if you are okay. My brother, I always think about you. I miss you. Sometimes I see Mom crying. I think she is crying because you are not here. I feel like crying, too. I don’t want to make you sad, but I am sad. I hope I see you again. I’m looking for your sign, my brother. Love, Leroy
  12. To My Little Mischief-maker, I am missing you so. . . . Now if there's a smile on my face It's only there trying to fool the public. . . . Really I'm sad, oh I'm sadder than sad You're gone and I'm hurting so bad Like a clown I appear to be glad (sad, sad, sad, sad) . . . Just like Pagliacci did I try to keep my surface hid Smiling in the crowd I try But in my lonely room I cry The tears of a clown I LOVE YOU, Mom
  13. My Darling Little Peanut, It seems I cannot get it together sometimes. I do not feel like I used to. I am missing your spark and gusto that kept us all energized. Your sparkle is only a memory now for me. Time is going by fast and I do not know how I will be on Christmas Eve. I already feel my heart racing. There are days I am in a trance and I just go with the motions. If the world were flat, I would fall off. I always think about when you made life so much fun in our home. When I use the SodaStream, I always think of how excited you would get when you would hear its buzzing sound. Then your brother, Porter would chime in and the two of you would get so crazy about it. There was something about that buzzing sound that would get you going. Odd noises would excite you. I would love to tease you by popping bubble wrap. You hated the small bubbles. A couple of pops and you would run toward it as if to attack it. It was funny watching you. Your brother Leroy did not like when I popped the big bubbles. He would run back and forth and bark. The three of you were humorously entertaining, like the times I would lower the Freddy Krueger doll by a rope and dangle him. Oh wow, you three would go berserk. Neither of you liked Freddy. Porter wanted to tear him apart. I remember when he ripped off his leg. It was hysterical to watch all of you chase that doll. What an acrobat you were for a small dog! When you were young, you could jump very high. There were so many times we found you on the counter, and one time in the sink. We could not believe the strength you had to jump that high. We were amazed. We were not told that you were part Jack Russell and you didn’t look like one, but you could jump like one. There was a day when we let the three of you run loose while we went out. You guys got hold of a cereal box. I left a box of cereal on the counter. We did not know at that time that you could jump like that. We came home and there was the box and the empty cereal bag, on the floor. We could not figure out how you guys got that cereal. Then we figured it out. It was you who jumped on the counter, then you had your lookout guys, Porter and Leroy, to make sure the coast was clear, and you knocked down the box. Then the three of you had a feeding frenzy. There wasn’t a crumb left behind. There was the time we left the three of you in our bedroom. We were only gone for a short while. We figured you would lie down on your beds and maybe look out the window. What could go wrong? It seemed like a safe place for you boys to hang out for a little bit. Well, I forgot I left a tall plastic cup on my dresser. It had a little bit of iced tea in it. Just enough I guess for you to see or to smell. You, Parker, were the leader of this pack, again. You somehow got from my nightstand to the dresser and knocked over the cup. When we got home, we found a chewed-up cup. Good thing there wasn’t a lot of liquid in it. When you jumped on my nightstand and dresser, your little nails scratched the tops. At one time I was going to sand out the scratches and fix it, but I am glad I didn’t. I think of you and your crazy shenanigans every time I see those scratches. I don’t care about those scratches. I would trade them to have you here with me. None of that matters anymore. You could scratch all the furniture if I could have you back, my sweetheart. I miss your zany escapades. It is as if there is a power outage in our home without you here. It is dark. The light has gone out. You were the light. You were the spark that made the light shine. I struggle each day without you. I know Leroy does, too. I feel bad for him because he does not understand. I don’t understand either. None of it makes sense. Parker, the other day I learned that a couple lost their home to a fire. Everything they had is gone. They also lost their two dogs and a cat. I want to ask you to take care of their pets and watch over them. They died a horrible way. The dogs are Daisy and Max, and the cat is Tucker. Please help them find their way without their parents. I know you can take care of them. I know how strong you are. You are stronger than I am. I always admired your strength. Also, please watch over your brothers, Porter and Leroy. You are a driving force to keep them strong and healthy. Parker, I saw you in my dream the other day. You were shaking your squeaky toy. I walked toward you and suddenly you disappeared. It was a dream of you within a dream. I want you to come back in my dreams, with a sign, anything so that I can feel your presence. Parker, My Little Peanut, I Love You till the end of time. Love, Mom
  14. Hello My Little Peanut,I am missing you so very much. The days seem to drag without you being here. I am keeping Leroy and Porter company. Porter is feeling better since he injured himself, or Leroy fell on him. See, Parker, if you were here, you and Leroy would have been together and Porter may not have gotten hurt. You were always the hero in his house. I heard the Cardinal today. I was hoping it was your message that you came to visit and you are okay. I will be writing you a long letter. I have a lot of good things to say to you, my sweetheart. Parker, your Mom is praying to novenas. One to St. Anthony and one to St. Jude. When they work and come true, I will tell you all about them. I Love You my special little one. Please remember we will be together again one day. It seems like forever. I will hold you again, and near to my heart. You are my special sweetie. No one can take your place. Parker, My Little Peanut, I think about you day and night, night and day. Your love still fills the air that I breathe. You are always with me and I will always be with you. Missing you, my little boy,I LOVE YOU SO MUCHMore loving thoughts to follow.Love,Mom
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