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Guilt_beyond_imagination

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About Guilt_beyond_imagination

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    Advanced Member

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Dog owner
  • Date of Death
    12/24/2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Stroudsburg PA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Pennsylvania

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  1. Hello My Little One,I am again, missing you. I'm trying not to send you sad vibes. I don't want you to be sad wherever you are. Your brothers have been quieter since we are missing you. You were the pack leader. You were energetic, crazy, and loved to tease your brother, Leroy. He misses you. I see it in his face. Parker, you brought out the spunk in him. Now Leroy seems to be going back in his shell. I feel bad for him. I hope you can send him a sign and let him know you are watching over him. I remember when you would groom him. It made Leroy felt so loved by you. When he was sick, Parker, you were right there to kiss and groom him. You knew Leroy was sick and you did all you could to make him feel comfortable. When your brother Porter was recovering from being mauled, you did the same to make him feel loved and comfortable. You groomed him and showered him with love. It was your love that made your brothers get well. We all miss that. It's hard for me some days to believe you are not here. My baby, that's when I break down and cry a river. I don't want you to see me like that.I wish you could be here. I miss you, little guy. I used to call you Little Peanut. Your feet were about the size of my thumb. You were small, but all muscle, and in very good health. I also called you My Little Hero after you chased away that huge Rottweiler. I will never forgot that day. I felt so proud to be your Mom. Parker, My Little Peanut, Mom is so very sorry. Please forgive me. I never meant you any harm. I saddens me that you are not here with us. The light in our home is dim without you. I would do anything to have you here again. Please watch over your brothers. Porter needs your love to keep his pancreatitis in remission. Please look for us when your brothers and I come to Rainbow Bridge to see you again. Wherever you are now, have fun with your friends in the meantime. You will always be My Little Hero. I Love You, Mom
  2. Oh, Kay, I'm sorry. I didn't know about your husband. Is he George you wrote about today? Happy Birthday, George, from me. 🎂
  3. Thank you kayc. He had such a crazy personality The life in this house. He was a cute little guy. I hate saying "was", it hurts so much. I kept busy today, but I am concerned I could be forgetting him. Your good vet with Arlie sounds like Dr. Chris, Our regular vet. He is a likable person by animal and human. He has a nice and gentle way with everyone. He has had his share of losses. His horse, his best friend, passed away suddenly a few years ago and he stayed upbeat in the office. I know he was hurting. We kind of know him personally because he worked with the rescue where I volunteered. He is always happy to see us and our dogs. I hear him through the office walls and I can hear him greeting every pet like he knows them for years. Parker was afraid many years ago because of his nature. Over time he became comfortable with Dr. Chris. Last spring he went to his clinic for a heart worm test. Parker was so calm, Doc and I were surprised. And then July came, and why did we take him to that other (evil) vet at all? I live with this every day. I'll tell you the 2 times we had him at that evil vet, I could see that vet's demeanor. He had no bedside manner. He ran out of the office when the visit was over. I noticed that and made a mental note. It didn't seem that important then, but now I know it made a big difference and had thought about it, and how my dogs would react to his coldness, I think that would have been the last time there, especially with the crap they pulled that day. That day the front office puppets lied twice to me about his annual shot and when I got home I swore never to return there. Five months later I was there again. I must be out of my mind! I think so much time lapsed that I forgot about the last time and that I didn't want to return. That may have been in my subconscious and why I had a bad feeling doing that dental cleaning. Something was not right and I could not place it. (My memory is not like it used to be.) After this horror, I saw again how the front desk lied again, and how he lied. And it was too late. They took his life and they acted like it was nothing. Afterwards, the front desk said there are always risks. That's funny. They told my husband he would be fine the day he dropped him off and that was the day they shoved the procedure/risks release in his face and didn't let him read it, just told him to sign it without giving a copy either, nor with my final records. A question for those puppets. How about if your boss reviewed the procedure and risks with us like he's supposed to do according to PA law? We had 2 dogs scheduled and he should have discussed it with us the day we were there for pre-op instead of taking our money and then when he was done, run out the back door of the office. Literally, ran out the door. After this nightmare, it came back to me how he ran so fast out of that office when he was done with that pre-op visit. He was legally bound to take the time to review this with us and he did nothing. Does it mean we wouldn't have let our dog have it done? I don't know. I was against it and if he had this discussion with us I would have been nudging my husband to convince him it wasn't a good idea. My husband tells me now if he was told about the risks he would not have done it. I think that may be true. Makes me think if that vet doesn't review the risks with pet parents then they don't have something to think about and then decide to cancel. There has to be a reason. He did not forget. We had our other dog there for his teeth a year before that and never got a copy of the procedure/risks and he did not review it then, either. So, I think he does this on a regular basis. They really should have vet mystery shoppers to see if they are following code. Maybe the state does that with their investigation, I don't know. It is a good idea. They do it with restaurants and stores. I will still never understand how I let this happen. I am riddled with guilt and regret. I've read about people who have been dead for minutes to hours and doctors have revived them. This guy couldn't save my dog? He didn't do everything possible to keep my dog breathing and alive. If he did, it would be documented in the notes. Nothing is there. He killed my dog. Thanks for listening. ~ Parker's Mom
  4. Hi kayc, I read somewhere, I think on the AAHA site that if dog is anxious and fearful and the vet and staff do not try to calm it each time, then the dog stays anxious and becomes conditioned that it's normal to that way, and becomes more and more anxious each time, if the staff doesn't use calming techniques. The article interestingly mentioned that by the third visit the dog would be extremely anxious and scared. That horrible day was my dog's third visit. In the beginning, I had nightmares of him petrified and in fear, wondering where we were, thinking he was abandoned with strangers, being mishandled because he was fighting back, and him passing away in fear, maybe having a heart attack from all the stress. The vet is supposed to protect our pets from any suffering. Not let them suffer in fear, which is a law this vet broke. I knew my dog was fearful, but I trusted that a responsible vet would be reluctant to perform anything voluntary before contacting the owner. It makes me wonder how many other pets that vet has allowed to die and made up some story and no one questioned it. They can be extremely frightened which could be life-threatening. I believe he broke these 2 laws: (1) Animal abuse—to do, order or aid another to do any act likely to cause unnecessary pain, injury, debility, disease or lameness or unnecessary fright, stress, panic or hysteria in an animal. (2) Responsibility to clients and patients. Veterinarians shall consider first the welfare of the animal for the purpose of relieving suffering and disability while causing a minimum of pain or fright. By the way, he did not provide me with a record of recorded vitals -- if they were ever done. That is another broken law. I was told they are done and recorded every 5 minutes, either written or electronically. I read this from an article the other day: "Well, it seems, in recent years, vet-stress concerns have been, “All about that cat.” However, in a recent study released by the American Veterinary Medical Association (reported by NewSTAT), dogs too undergo considerable stress and anxiety when they go for veterinary visits. The study looked at 36 seemingly normal, healthy client-owned dogs and measured a number of parameters when the dogs were at home and again at the veterinary facility. This study evaluated changes in vital signs when dogs traveled between the home environment and the veterinary environment. Differences were recorded between dogs in the two environments. These dogs had their respiratory rate, pulse rate, rectal temperature and systolic arterial blood pressure measured in their home environment. They were then taken to the veterinary hospital and the measurements were repeated. The changes between the two environments were significant. Dog anxiety at the veterinarian’s officeAccording to aaha.org, significant differences in blood pressure, rectal temperature and pulse rate were observed between measurements obtained in the two environments. “Mean blood pressure increased by 16%..., rectal temperature increased (by < 1%)…, and pulse rate increased by 11% …. The number of dogs panting in the hospital environment (63%) was significantly higher than the number of dogs panting at home (17%).” Panting is frequently considered an indication of stress."
  5. Hi Maylissa, Thank you. I need be more active with this letter. It seems like I just can't get out sent out. I have to make myself a promise for my Parker. I really think they did something bad over there. He tried blaming the food I fed him! He tried using the excuse he didn't make it from anesthesia recovery, which I don't believe. Without vitals how can he prove to the state that the procedure even got underway or how far? Without vitals and/or an anesthesia record, then it never happened. He'll have to explain that!! He should have had me on the phone asap when any problem began. That's what a good vet does. He never sent me an explanation letter or an apology. I didn't get any other info from him except to say he gave him the right amount of meds per kg per pound. What does that mean to me? Was it guilt? He didn't tell me the steps of the procedure. He just said, "It happens." It happens? Could be my dog food? That's it? If he was so sure they didn't have anything to do with it, why wouldn't he suggest a necropsy? I didn't know about that. I can see why he wouldn't mention it, if he knew they did something sinister. My dog was still in their "morgue" when I first heard about a necropsy. It was from someone from the ASPCA hotline who mentioned it to me and said it was too late, that it had to be done pretty much the same day. Now, I don't think that is true. Of course, it's too late now. Another thing I am mad at myself for. I was so distraught I didn't even think of double-checking on a necropsy. I see why they waited more than a week after he passed to give me my records. Maybe they figured I wouldn't have time to see their lies in the records to seek a necropsy. That is exactly what happened. I didn't read the notes until after he was cremated. Then I saw that he withheld lab results, how bare the notes were, nothing about the tracheal tube, not vitals, and what mostly piqued my curiosity and anger, the word "fractious" that he took the time to write, and yet the notes were bare -- "incomplete and inconclusive" according to my regular vet. Oh, how I wish I never listened to my husband!! He pushed me into that cleaning and going to that other vet! We had and have a great vet! Believe me, this has caused tension for me for my husband. I told him I was opposed to it and he insisted. That's also what I am going through. I haven't forgiven him 100%. It will take a lot of time. I first need to get justice for my sweet little Parker and try to save other pets, if this guy is even cited for anything. I heard they get away with "murder" many, many times over. I hope this state is stricter and finds he really is a criminal. I don't think he would be shut down, unless they have a lot of complaints about him, which they do not reveal to the public. I am keeping my fingers crossed he gets in big trouble. They killed my dog or let him die, and I will bet my life on it. Read the attached story (below) about the Bulldog and its anxiety, what happened to him. You'll see it's possible for these things to happen and how they try to cover it up. They had a necropsy, which is what I am missing, but from my research, that vet I went to broke laws. My dog was very anxious and that vet knew!! He was well prepared from the 2 previous visits. He wrote "nervous dog" in the other notes. He could have declined treating Parker for everyone's benefit, especially my dog who was being handled by strangers, his biggest fear. That vet didn't know my dog well enough at all to know how to handle him, yet he did know he was anxious and scared, but continued with his plan, putting my dog in a dangerous situation. No voluntary procedure is worth stressing a pet and putting its life in danger. The owner of the rescue where I got him told me any caring vet would have called me to come and get him before he ever wrote "fractious." He saw my dog was in peril, fight or flight mode. My dog should be here. My regular vet said there's no reason for him not to be here. They should have been on the phone with me ASAP when they had a problem. As I wrote above, that's why I think it was something else, that's why he didn't call me right away. I think he called me much later. Gave him time to make up a story and not take responsibility. There's a local court case against him for negligence and malpractice. Because of his continuous treatment for his misdiagnosis, someone's cat had to be put to sleep. He didn't take responsibility for it Did the same with them. No answers. I hope if the state takes my case, that someone present that day, speaks up and tells the real truth. Sometimes there's that one person who can't lie. I hope that person is there and speaks up when/if the state goes there. That vet will get his day and I hope I hear about it. I believe in karma -- "You reap what you sow." "What goes around comes around." https://twolittlecavaliers.com/2011/07/separation-anxiety-leads-to-dogs-death.html ~ Parker's Mom
  6. To My Sweet Peanut, Today was a cold and rainy day. I tried very hard not to cry because I don’t know if it can make you upset. I don’t want you to feel bad for your Mom. I feel bad enough about what happened. I still try to understand Parker, why I let you go there. You were so frightened. I knew that. Please don’t be upset with me. I think you will find it in your big heart to know your Mom would never let anyone harm you on purpose. I’m taking very good care of your brothers. I don’t want them to be because I know they miss you. They don’t know where you are. I know for sure they want you here, as much as I do. I’m so very sorry my little boy. I am crying now. Thinking of you makes me happy, but also sad since you are not with us. Yesterday something happened. I don’t remember a time when Leroy had drippy eyes, but Leroy had drippy eyes for some reason. You were the one who always had that. You had no health issues. That was the only thing you ever had. I shared my eye drops with you. You were always such a good sport to let me give you the drops before bedtime. You were smart enough to know they made you feel better. I used the same drops for Leroy. His eyes were cleared up today. I wondered if he had the drippy eyes because you were here, coming through him. I hope that was you. Was that you, Parker? Please give me a sign. I need to know if it’s true thats your spirit could be here with me. I miss you so, so much. I wish I could bring you back. So many times, I don’t believe any of this is true, that you are not here. My Little Peanut, what has happened to you is so unfair. I still don’t understand. You were not meant to be gone this soon. You were so young and so full of life. I miss taking you for walks. I miss hearing your little bark and howl. I miss you cuddling next to me and showering me with your kisses. I miss seeing you at the top the stairs when you would be the first to put yourself to bed. I miss tucking you in at night and giving you a kiss goodnight. I miss everything. Always remember that I Love You and I will never stop. I miss you every single day. I Love You always My Little Peanut. Love, Mom
  7. Hi Missing My Fancy, I hope it's okay, I was going to post on your page and I saw that you are from Scranton? I'm here in Effort. Small world. I'm sorry what you went through. More vet abuse and negligence. There's a website about vet abuse. (vetabusenetworkI contacted the person who runs it and she had many questions for me and everyone I answered pointed to abuse. I know I'm not responsible for the outcome, but I regret taking him there when we already had a good vet. Some of that was my husband's choice and that did cause a riff in our marriage. We only went to this other guy for some help with our Beagle, Leroy, with stomach issues. That vet did nothing anyway. I never planned on switching my vet. My husband decided once we went there with Leroy, why not take the other two? That was the beginning of the end. The dental was his idea and I was against it. I just didn't feel right with that place. If you read my other posts, you'll see that they lied and broke laws. I failed to follow my intuition. I fault myself for not just keeping Parker home. I had no obligation to keep that appt. A simple NO was all I needed to do. It's something that will stay with me forever. I read you were back and forth with the vet. It sounds like they jerked you around. Incompetence. I can't understand why any vet would not be proactive, it's more money for them anyway. I called this vet 3 weeks before the procedure because he had 2 urinary accidents, which were out of the ordinary. That vet had the nerve to say everything was clear on his lab work, yet when I later got it, there were flagged items that were never brought up. They could have been related, or maybe not, but I had every right to know the lab flagged things. I will never know if they were connected to his urinary accidents and something was brewing. I got clearance from him, he was okay for the dental, yet he mentioned checking for stones. Again, you would think having me come in with him was monetarily beneficial for him. He should have examined him and ruled out any problem, but why would he ask to examine him when he withheld the lab results? Total neglect and lies. I hear you about Facebook and other media sites. His day is coming when I will make his life miserable. His staff, too. They are his puppets. I had a taste of their lies last year and I swore not to return and I can't believe I did and Parker had only been there 3 times. First it will be the state complaint pointing out the laws and codes he broke. That's if the state takes the case. I am keeping fingers crossed. I have a compelling complaint so I hope someone with a soft spot will choose to investigate. After that I will sue him in small claims for everything I can. I am going to ask for the lab charges for my 2 dogs because my other dog didn't get the procedure because of what happened. We canceled it. There were flagged items on his report, too. I contacted a pet attorney. She gave me advice. I can use her if her fee is reasonable. She was very helpful. I think she is in Honesdale. Phone: 570-685-1023. Next will be the reviews and I will take no prisoners. I will then write him a letter and it won't be nice. I will continuously list things I think he and his staff did and ask him if that's how he killed my dog. Then I think I will send the Attorney General a complaint. I called them and they said I could send it there there. He has a business. I want to go as high as I can so he knows he messed with the wrong person and he will never harm another pet again. I found one case in the local court. I called the pet owner. Apparently this vet misdiagnosed her cat for a long time and she finally got a second opinion and it was too late. She had to put the cat down. He was charged with malpractice and negligence. I have noted this case in my complaint. I have the docket number and info. PA won't tell you if there are any state complaints. They only divulge disciplinary actions. He had none so far, but who knows, maybe he will after I get done with him. I also called a woman on Yelp who gave him a horrible review. This vet IS a total moron. He has no bedside manner with animals, either. Did you ever consider filing a state complaint? You have nothing to lose. I certainly understand how hard it is for you to have Fancy's ashes at your home. Last year we bought a Suncast cabinet for our basement. It started out for storage and for our keys, etc. I never, ever imagined it would house my dog's ashes. I never go in that cabinet. He is still in a box in a small gift/shopping bag from the crematory. It kills me. I recently moved his collar in there, too. It was in an envelope. I can relate to how difficult it is for you. I am very sorry. It doesn't seem fair. I am a broken person. That vet did this to me. Feel free to write anytime. I hope we can get through this. ~ Parker's Mom
  8. Hello My Little One, Mom wants to say hello today. I am missing you Parker, as always. I want you to remember I will never forget you. It's a nice day and your brothers are on the deck watching the rabbits and deer. Of course your brother Porter is barking at them. I miss hearing you bark and howl. Today is a day you would be sunbathing. I miss seeing you do that. You loved to lie in the sun and roll around on your back. It was always so cute. Then you would look up into the storm door window to peek in. I really miss that. I Love You Parker. My little baby. Your sunshine is missed at home. Your playfulness is missed by your brothers. Your love is missed by us all. I Love You Forever. Love, Mom
  9. Thank you Marty. I didn't know contacting a pet's spirit was possible since they can't speak. I will read about it. Thank you for the link. I passed it along to a friend of mine who lost her cat to cancer.
  10. To My Wonderful Happy Little Parker, My light, my laughter, my angel Today Mom had more tears than yesterday. I thought about you all day. I’m still thinking of you. Yesterday was a nice day, but your brothers were unusually quiet. They slept most of the day. Porter was sprawled out on one of the beds and Leroy was rolled up in another bed near the window. It seemed they were missing you. You would have been lying next to Porter or cuddled with Leroy. You loved being close to us. Sometime in between you would have come by me wherever I would be. I miss your little face watching me with the sparkle in your eyes. Later in the day they were on the deck. Porter didn't bark quite as much as usual, but when he did, it was his usual continuous bark. I expected to hear your single bark and howl that would follow. I didn't hear it. I missed it so much, I was going to listen to a recording of you three when Leroy would join in with his Beagle howl. I wasn't sure if it would make me upset knowing you were not here and that it was just a recording. I took a break from the garden this year. I wanted to use my time to take portraits of the three of you with my new camera. I wanted crisp and clear shots that I could place under acrylic. I would have hung them on the big wall in the living room and would have them for a lifetime. That all changed when someone did this to you. I took out the camera and I transferred pictures to my computer. I saw many of you and some I had just taken shortly before you were taken away. It hurt too much to look at them. I'm sorry. I'm not strong enough yet. I’m keeping the camera handy. The other day I saw a cardinal on our deck. This was the first time I’ve seen one here. I first thought I wish I had my camera. The cardinal stayed for a minute or so and then flew to a nearby tree. A day or so later someone told me about signs, and she mentioned a cardinal. She said it is a sign of an angel. Then I remembered the cardinal that was here. I thought about it and now I want to know if that was you? Was it you coming to see us? Please come back. I will believe if I see a cardinal nearby again, I will know that it’s you. I’m missing you so much Parker. It doesn’t seem the same without you. You were always the clown and entertainer. It’s silent now. I love your brothers, but they don’t play together. You were the one to motivate us all. Parker, if that was you the other day, please come back. Make a believer out of me. I need to know you are not gone forever. I Love You My Sweet Baby. I can’t believe I am not holding you, walking you, tucking you in a night. All of this seems untrue. It doesn’t seem real. I think sometimes you really aren’t gone. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT’S IMMEASURABLE. I Love You My Sweetie, LOVE, MOM xxxxoooo ♥️♥️♥️♥️
  11. Hi Marty, kayc, Marty, kayc, I've only had 5 or so visits with this grief counselor. My husband joins me. Working on it. I first went to someone else months ago, a few weeks after this happened. I was wearing jeans and a plain shirt. My hair is long and I didn't fuss with it. Because my hair was windblown, she said I looked like a homeless person and the next time I should wear makeup. She came up to me and said, "Woe is me." I didn't return. I went to another woman, who, for 3 visits wanted to know where I used to work, everything else except focus on my grief and what to do. That was it for her. It wasn't until about 6 weeks later I finally found someone who listens and interacts with coping exercises, he doesn't insult me, and considers everyone's grief important for whatever reason. Mythickhead is a problem. I'm still feel horrible that I suggested this vet, but only for 2nd opinion for my other dog. I never intended to continue there. kayc, Carelessness was originally said because my husband could be haphazard with them. Although we agreed not to walk our dogs anywhere near house with big dog who nearly killed my other little one, he would still often go by there vs the opposite direction or just stay in our yard. I wasn't pleased I would often have to remind him. That's the carelessness. Other things too, he didn't consider consequences. I will change that to say "if he makes any decisions without my consent." His insisted on bringing all of our dogs to that vet, and for the cleaning. I was opposed to both decisions. He wouldn't listen to me. I had a bad feeling about that place & I was right. They were full of lies. I should have put my foot down to stick with their vet, since pups. This is my guilt. All I had to do was follow my intuition and keep him home. Simple. I didn't. Yes, I need to give myself and husband a break. I miss my dog so much and I know it was not necessary, but in an hour or so, he's gone, just like that? No explanation? He was a scared little dog and we knew that. I can't help but feel I/we set him up for disaster. I had so many opportunities to say a simple NO, yet I missed them. No reason he should not be here. None. I hope this makes sense from your perspective.
  12. I am seeing a grief counselor who treats every loss as the same. He knows grief is the same all the way around. My husband attends, too. I'm okay there. When I get home, I'm on my own. I'm living with my husband who I see as part of this ordeal. He wanted it. He demanded it. He brought him there. I told him time and again in the past, if anything happens to these dogs, I don't know what I'd do. I also said if anything happens because he makes a decision without my consent, I would leave. Over and over I think maybe I should leave. Take my other 2 dogs and go. I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do right now. I don't know. I just want the pain and guilt of my loss to go away. The problem is, I miss him so much, I can't let it go. I know this is all wrong. I know the two of us knew better and should have never taken him there, to a new vet. It was a mistake, yes, but there should never be any mistakes when it costs a life or harm. Human or animal. My days are a struggle. I'm reassured for my hour with my grief counselor, and the rest of the day, but the next day arrives and I feel the same again. My loss is so immense. I'm not measuring it to other people's losses. I'm measuring to my own in my lifetime. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me because of the nature and circumstances of it. He should be here today.
  13. My Sweet Little Parker, I wake up every morning with a pain in my gut knowing I will not see you. Your brothers wake up with vigor and energy. I think I am going to see you and you're not there. No matter how sunny or nice of a day, it doesn't feel like the sun is shining. The light you shined has been darkened here. I look forward to going to sleep at night. It's the only peace I get. When I awake in the morning, the dread of you being gone starts all over again. I just don't understand. I don't know why you are gone. It doesn't make sense. You were not sick. You were taken away. My Little Angel, I want you to be here. I get upset with myself knowing I had choices. Why didn't I keep you home that day? Everything would be normal. I am not the same anymore. I am missing a part of me and inside I feel numb. I am upset with myself. I could have you here. I did a bad thing. I had a premonition something could go wrong there. I question myself every day what I was thinking. I am still not pleased with your Dad since he had the idea and he brought you there. Things between us are shaky. It's not the same as before you were gone. I wish I could have my old self back and things at home were like they were. That would only be possible if this never happened or if I awoke and you were here again. I know that's not possible. That's what hurts so much. I feel like I will never see you again. I didn't keep you safe, though throughout your short life, I tried so hard. I looked ahead about things that could go wrong and I kept you from harm so many times. Why did I fail this time? I need to protect you. I am so sorry. Sorry is not enough. Please do not be angry with me. As you always did, please give me your unconditional love. I may be asking for a lot because I failed you. I don't know what to say anymore. Know that I am broken-hearted and grief-stricken for over 5 months and it doesn't seem to get better. It all seems wrong that you are gone and I am missing you. This should not be happening. Remember that I always loved you. My days seem to drag on without you. I feel lost without you. You were the energy in this home, the pack leader, the spirit, the laughter, and the shining light that gave all of us hope and filled us with passion. My Little Baby, I Love You forever and eternally. I hope there is a time we can be together again. I'm not sure if that exists, but I sure do hope it does. I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE ONE, FOREVER AND EVER, Your Mom
  14. My Dear Little Parker, I'm sorry Parker. Mom has been thinking more about you the last couple of days. I've been outside and I have been wishing you were running in garden, in the yard, by my side. I have never felt so sad about anything in my life. I don't want to make you sad. Please give me a sign. I think your brothers miss you, too. Leroy just sits there. He doesn't have the spirit he had when you were here. I remember when you both became close, you cured him of his shyness, but Parker, I think he's falling back into being shy again. You made him sparkle. You made all of us smile, laugh, strong, and you filled us with passion. I am always wishing I can go back in time. I'm a broken person with you not here. I often feel responsible that I didn't keep you home. I wanted that and I don't know how I failed. I haven't been the same since you're not here. I have little interest in anything. It never seems right or fair to enjoy anything because I let you go. I am so sorry. I don't anymore how to fix this. Not seeing you again tears me apart. It hurts so much. Please forgive me. Parker, I am so sorry. Nothing is the same anymore. Your bright light is not here. I'm in darkness most of the time. Please forgive me. I love you so much My Little Peanut. I'm sending love from your brothers, Leroy and Porter. I know they miss you and still love you. I LOVE YOU FOREVER, EVER, AND EVER, Your Mom
  15. It's a nice day, the sun is shining, but why does it feel so dark to me? I'm clouded with darkness. I miss my little guy. I don't think I will ever see him again. Rainbow Bridge? Who knows. Another difficult day for me. I expect to see him sunbathing, running through our yard, playing with his brothers. He was full of life. So full of life, health, vigor, happiness, and love. It was taken from him in a matter an hour or so. I can't make sense of it. Trying to keep busy. It's impossible to not think of him. Every day I miss him. He was my little peanut. Was? I don't now how I can even utter that word. Speaking of him in the past tense doesn't seem right. Parker, you deserved your life. Your simple life was so important to you. You could never take anything for granted, unlike people. You deserve to be here enjoying the little things that made you so happy. A little dog who asked for nothing and gave so much.
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