Dogmom

Hi Alyanna, I am sooo sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved Pucca. Our little chihuahuas bond so closely with us, and us to them, and to suddenly not have them here is utterly heartbreaking. We love them with all of our hearts. We revolve our lives around them and so our routines are forever altered. Their absence is jarring and painful. So many things around the house are reminders; toys, beds, blankies, dishes, pictures, leashes... I loved hearing your story of bringing Pucca home for the first time. I am glad that you are focusing on this good memory. How lucky you were to be able to grow up together with her. I'm sure she was especially important for you while you were going through those sometimes crazy teenage years! You were there for her "teenage years" too! I lost my 15 year old teacup chihuahua Roxie 3 months ago today. She was a little ball of white fluff. I still cry every day. She was such a huge part of my life for 15 years and the emptiness I feel is profound. I still look for her in all her usual places, her beds, walking around in the house, eating out of her little dish, going outside to go potty in her favorite spots. I miss holding her, kissing her, rubbing her little ears, just talking to her, everything... I think it is especially hard when they seemed "perfectly normal" one minute and then suddenly something is wrong. It doesn't give us a chance to process what is happening. It is clear that you loved Pucca and did all that you could to help her. That she was in your arms, and not alone when she passed away, I hope will give you some comfort. It is very normal to feel guilt, sadness, and have trouble sleeping and eating when you lose someone so close to your heart. I am still struggling, but I have found it helpful to journal my feelings. I "write letters" to Roxie. I try to remember all the good memories and recount them for her. I also write about how I am feeling. It gives me an outlet to cry/sob and to tell her how much I love her and miss her. I also had a few Christmas ornaments made with her picture on them, and I wear a little chihuahua pendant necklace. I talk to her "urn/box" every day. I keep it in the living room. I tell her when I am leaving the house, going for a walk, or really if I want to say anything to her. Maybe you could write letters to Pucca to reminisce about the good memories and to also allow you to express your feelings and love for her. I've also found it helpful to get back to my exercise routine. I usually end up crying, but it is a way for me to take care of myself. Please remember that it's okay to cry! You said, "I’m having trouble staying on the positive side and I constantly end up thinking about how she died and that she’s no longer here." Having these thoughts is also normal. It will lessen. I know it will, I have been through this with one of my other dogs, Ruby, 12 years ago. Never forgotten but the pain lessens. Know that others understand and feel your pain. I am glad that you had the courage to reach out on this website. Hang in there. I understand... Michele

Yes, the nights are hard, but for me the days are worse. Everything in the house is a reminder of little Roxie. Particularly the "empty spots" where she laid in her beds. When I take Zoe, my other baby on a walk, or when we eat, or really anything we do, we are missing one of the trio. It doesn't feel right and I still haven't adjusted after 10 weeks. Coming home not having both dogs at the door to great me and give me nose kisses is excruciating (Roxie was the nose kisser). I'm actually considering moving to a new house because this one is so hard to live in right now. On top of everything else, I retired 2 weeks ago, and live alone (except for Zoe), so the emptiness and loneliness is profound right now. Where I live the virus numbers are rising since the stay at home order expired, so I limit leaving the house. You said you had a driving job. Did you take Coco on your trips? I just ordered a personalized pet memorial necklace "urn" so that I can put some of Roxie's ashes in it to wear all the time. That way she is always with me. Currently I have a chihuahua pendant on a neck chain and when I find my emotions overwhelming me, I'll rub it between my fingers. I also find that when I am in the car I end up sobbing...Maybe having something like this while you are on road trips? They make them for keychains too. As for the nights, I keep Roxie's blanket, the last one she was in..., on my bed under the pillow on the "other side" of my bed. That way I can feel it as I try to fall asleep. I think it helps a little. But maybe you could speak with a health care professional about your trouble sleeping, and also your general feelings. Do you have Telemedicine visits in the UK? It's ok to reach out for help... You are not alone, hang in there. As my daughter wisely reminded me, "of course you will never forget, but that pain will turn into happy memories, like we have of Ruby..." Ruby was the golden retriever my children grew up with. She passed away 12 years ago at age 13. I loved her so much as well, but the pain of losing her has softened over the years. With Roxie, she said, "That one hurt, she was bonded to you. She chose you. It'll feel fresh for a long time." Sometimes our children surprise us with their wisdom. Guess I did ok as a mom... LOL No one really knows the depth of our individual pain. But having this forum to speak from the heart, to listen, and to offer thoughts to others going through the same thing, can help. Keep coming back to share your feelings. We understand as we all know this pain...

I am so sorry for your loss of Coco. Labradors are such loving dogs, filled with so much energy. I am sure Coco knew that you were only helping him to become the best that he could be and that he LOVED you with all his heart. I also talk to my Roxie, all the time... at home, at work, in the car, when I leave the house, pretty much everywhere. I have her picture for my phone background and that helps me to think that she is with me when I am not at home. I have her wooden box of ashes on a shelf in my living room, with a 8 x 10 favorite picture behind it. I can see it every time I walk by or if I am sitting on the couch. Many times a day I hold the little box, give it a kiss and tell her how much I love her and miss her. Crying the whole time... Today I spoke with a counselor recommended by Hospice of the Valley. She was listed under their Pet loss resources. She recommended that I create a journal of letters that I write to Roxie every day. That way I can talk to her daily. I'll give it a try. I am learning from her and all of you that there is no timeline and that it is ok to feel whatever I am feeling. It really helps to know that others understand. 15 years together is a long time... I am in my early 60s and it was just the 2 of us for 10 of those years. She truly was my better half. The last 5 years it was 3 of us (I rescued Zoe, a little mix breed pup). Still... it was just our little family. Now it doesn't feel right, both of us miss little Roxie so much. Hang in there, take care of yourself, and I hope that you find solace in knowing others understand and wish they could do something to help. You are not alone...

Arli was a beautiful dog! I can see how you would have to wanted to just wrap your arms around him for a big hug! He looks so happy freely running in the first picture. I picture him doing this every day now that he is free of his pain and limitations. I see what you mean about the smiling. He was lucky to have you as his mom and to have a big fenced yard with the freedom to run. A sign on the fence with his name sounds like a wonderful idea. Would that be something you could make yourself? I know what you mean about doing special things (like putting up a fence) for them. With Roxie being only 4#, walking on the gravel (here in AZ most yards are gravel) was hard on her feet, so I moved gravel out of the way and made a path for her in the yard. I can still see the path now. When I lived in Chicago I had to shovel snow off the grass in the winter, and when I lived in Tampa she had to manage the St. Augustine grass which is very course and big. Here in Phoenix I put up lots of patio umbrellas to shield her from hawks and owls, and always watched her when she was outside in the back yard. I have a pool, so with her failing eyesight had to make sure she didn't fall in. I had throw rugs all over the house so she wouldn't slip on the tile or wood, and little doggie beds were everywhere. When on walks, she could only walk a very short distance (just to cross the street in her last weeks), and then I would hold her the rest of the walk. She loved being carried and enjoyed the chance to get outside. And of course we had our daily routine which is now completely shaken up. I suppose most people would be surprised at how we shape the moments of every day around our babies, but for me it was my life. So for me the loss Roxie, and for you, your Arli, and the other many pets in our lives is partially why the grief is so profound... Thank you for reading my words and offering support. Even though I don't know you, your compassion, empathy, and understanding are felt and very much appreciated. The picture of Roxie in the grass is on her last day... The 2nd picture she is with Zoe, and the 3rd picture from last November is one of my favorites because of the lighting and how she is looking right at me. It is the one I had enlarged to 8x10.

Thank you for responding and offering words of encouragement and support. I especially took heart to your comments, "It is common to second guess your decisions in early grief, we think, if only I'd waited another day/week they could still be with us, but it was their time and it's not uncommon for them to rally at the very end...that does not mean it was not their time. Sometimes I think they put on a brave front for our sakes, they know we are hurting and going to miss them and they don't want us to be sad." But Roxie's big eyes as we held her at the vet made me feel like she was scared and this has greatly disturbed me... I can't get that image out of my head... And I sooo wish that I had waited just another day, "just in case." But I am left with the decision I made that day, knowing I can never take it back. Right now I don't think I could ever make the decision to go through that again. I am so sorry for your loss of soulmate Arli and also Kitty, both within such a short period of time. You are completely right about certain dogs being our soulmates. I had a golden retriever that I had to put to sleep 12 years ago at age 13 when she couldn't stand anymore. It was horrific and I greatly mourned her, but I guess 12 years has softened the pain. I currently have a 5 year old rescue mix (Zoe) that I LOVE VERY much, but Roxie was special. She saw me through a divorce, moves from Chicago to Phoenix to Chicago to Tampa to Chicago, to Houston and finally back to Phoenix. 15 years of being there with love, for me to hold, kiss, and hug. She endured many climates, houses, and even a few men in my life over the years... My granddaughter was born 9 years ago and has always had Roxie in her life. And my daughter for 15 of her 32 years. She was the one that brought her to our home! It's been 8 weeks and I finally put her beds away, but I can't wash the blankets (she loved to lay in super cushy blankets like the one in the picture) because I can still smell her in the blankets. I also keep her leash on the same hook I always kept it, and her ashes, paw print, some fur, and one of many pictures are in my living room on a shelf. There is no place in this house where there isn't a memory. I've even thought that maybe I can't stay in this house, but then I think that this house was the last place she knew and that I need to stay here for her spirit to know where to find me. Crazy thoughts I know but the brain does that with grief. I also lost my 81 year old Dad 3 weeks before Roxie left meD500FF64-C6ED-4C67-A1D4-766940845145.heic, so I am grieving for him too.... It's been a rough 3 months. And today was my last day of work - I am retiring after 40 years in healthcare. I am nervous about having more time at home as when I am home I have less distractions... But I do have a Counseling session set up for this Sunday as I am trying to find ways to take of myself. You are right, I know what I would say to someone else going through acute grief, but it is harder to internalize those same words. Thank you for being a contributor on this site. I see that you have provided kind words and support to many others. Do you have a picture of Arli that you can share?

Tomorrow it will be 8 weeks since I put Roxie, my teacup chihuahua to sleep at age 15 yrs. I cry every day, pretty much all day long, as it doesn't take anything to trigger the tears. I miss having her right here with me so much. I can't get past knowing she is gone. She was a little one at only 4lbs. She had been with me for soooo may life events, many moves, job changes, and through the ups and downs of life. It was just the 2 of us for a long time. Being so small, I carried her in my arms much of the time. She traveled with me on trips, and errands. She was a trooper having survived a broken front leg needing pins and a plate, pancreatitis and abdominal surgery, both at a very young age, and she was nearly deaf and blind at the end. My daughter brought her home as a puppy but she become my baby at age 1 1/2. She was showing signs of aging, stiffness, stumbled more with her bad leg, but overall doing ok until 3/15 when she had a seizure. She'd never had one before. I took her to the vet and they did lab work which was all normal, so no diagnosis. She seemed ok for the next 2 weeks, but on 4/1 when I woke up I could hear and see that her breathing seemed noisy and strained. I took her to the vet at 7am and they said I could leave her for the day and they would watch her and do an X-ray. My other choice was to take her to work with me, but I wanted to know if there was something wrong that could be fixed. I greatly regret that she spent her last full day there and not with me. They didn't have the results of the X-ray by 6pm when I picked her up, and they said she had slept most of the day. I brought her home but she was still having the same breathing pattern. She didn't want to eat and through the evening she just laid on my chest and slept on and off. I stayed awake all night with her. I gave her water with a syringe, and she did want to go outside to poop around 3am and then pee at 5am. She was able to stand for these 2 things but didn't really want to walk much. I took her along on a walk with my other dog, holding her inside my jacket knowing it would probably be her last outing. I thought she might pass away during the night but she didn't. The vet had called me around 7am to check on her and I told him about the night and that I thought she was telling me that it was time. I made the appointment for noon and held her the whole morning. She took a lick of peanut butter off my finger but was still lethargic. otherwise she seemed a bit more alert. My daughter and granddaughter come over and we took turns holding Roxie. Then around 11am, we drove to my mother's house so she could say goodbye to Roxie. Roxie's eyes seemed so wide open and more alert. They were ready for us when we got to the vet. My daughter and I held her and told her we loved her. The first shot wasn't strong enough, so the vet gave her a 2nd shot which caused her to yelp. This was horrible for all of us. I didn't want her to have any pain. Then it all happened so fast. He put a tourniquet on her leg but the hemostat was so heavy for her little leg and it was dangling, so I was focusing on trying to lift it up when he inserted the needle into her vein and injected the pentobarbital and she was gone so quickly that I don't think I was looking at her face and telling her how much I loved her in that moment. I will never get the image out of my head and have felt nothing but sadness, regret, and guilt since that day. I think I made a mistake to go forward with it as she did seem more alert through the morning. Maybe she was just tired all night, maybe the breathing was allergies and a tight trachea. She trusted me to love her and take care of her her whole life, and I feel like I let her down in the end by making the biggest mistake possible. She was SO much a part of my life and what I/we did every single day. I have reached out to a Counselor but needed to put my thoughts down on paper in a safe place.