MamasGirl59

Thank you. I’m very sorry about your daughter’s situation and happy she has you to lean on! My mom’s funeral was on Friday. It was really hard. Then it snowed these past couple of days and something about the seasons changing made me really sad. My mom would have been so excited for this snow, wish she could have seen it! I thought I would do ok during the holidays because I get to do them for my baby now, but I fell apart when it started snowing, so guess that’s not going to happen! I think I may have been grieving my mother longer than I realized, before I even knew anything was wrong. She had changed, slept a lot and never wrote me back or answered my calls, which was highly unlike her. I thought she was just depressed because of Covid... not knowing her body was starting to fail her. Maybe I’m handling this ok because I have a son now and I know I have to be happy for him, or maybe it’s because I know I’m next in line to die, and I want to make the most of my life while I’m here. Watching her die was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I’m sure I have many bad days ahead, but right now I think I’m doing ok. I hope you are as well. I read somewhere else your hand(s) were hurting you. I hope you are able to get some relief for them soon! Ashley

@Kieron I wish I could delegate some stuff, but it’s all personal things. I do have people pitching in and taking over stuff with the funeral so that is helpful. If anyone told me last year, that this was going to be my life this year, I never would have believed it. I no longer look forward to the future, because I realize it will never turn out anything close to what I expected! @kayc I’m trying real hard to stay in the moment and just get through the day, but a lot of stuff takes some planning and preparation, so I constantly have to be doing things for the next day or the next week. My aunt is in New York and has MS, so even if it weren’t for Covid, it’s very difficult for her to travel. I know what you mean about doing the basics, I call it survival mode 🙃 and its how I’ve been living for the past several months. Thank you for your prayers ❤️

It’s going to be 4 weeks tomorrow since my mom passed. The funeral is on Friday. Small funeral because of COVID. I have had to do so much with her estate, it’s overwhelming.. and while trying to be a first time mom to my now 4 month old. And now I’m sick... I’m sure from stress and not taking care of myself. I don’t have time to take care of myself, I know that’s what you’re supposed to do, but literally I have no time. And I started work again and my marriage is on the brink of ending and I’m planning a funeral for the most important person in my life. I just don’t see the point in anything anymore. I don’t want to take my life but I certainly don’t want the life I’ve been dealt either. I’m so very alone now. I have people who want to help and be here and what not but there is nothing they can do and they usually make me feel worse. I feel her so much. I don’t want time to keep going because I’m afraid I won’t feel her as strongly as I do now. I’m so overwhelmed and over everything anymore, I just don’t know what to do. i just want to quit. I just want to lay in bed for days on end with no responsibilities.

I am so very deeply sorry for the loss of your child 💔. Your mother knows what’s in your heart, I believe that. Death has been a constant in my life, and it may take the people I love, but I know it can never ever take the love I shared with those people. Death doesn’t get to take that from us. I don’t believe we will ever be over it, nor do I want to be “over it” nor do I think anyone should ever tell us to get over it! Thank you for your kind words and support, I am thankful for it.

@Southern Girl I lost my father 16 years ago when I was just 16, and recently just lost my mother 😕 I still miss him and love him so much and the recent loss of my mother brought all those sad feelings back to the surface 💔 None of my friends have even lost a parent yet, so it’s hard for anyone to relate... and I’m only 32. I know from experience the pain softens but is still there. Thank you for sharing your story of hope, I needed it! ❤️

@Jenn562 I’m very sorry for the loss of your mother and grandmother ❤️ I’ve lost my grandmother too (both of them). My mom was also my very best friend and I know the pain. The way it’s looking, I can’t imagine writing thank you notes anytime soon. I’m so overwhelmed with everything and still very early in trying to make sense of life without her. We will get to them some day right? Until then I hope we can find some sort of healing ❤️ Your reply helped, thank you!

@RoseSher98 I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. I too just lost my mother 3 weeks ago, also from cirrhosis. It was horrible to watch, as I saw my lively, full of life mother dwindle down to almost nothing. It broke my heart. I am also still in shock. I think the depression of COVID also played a part and I’m angry that I wasn’t around my mother more because I feel I could have pushed her to get help sooner. I live 5 minutes from her house but because I just had a baby, we were trying to keep both her and the baby safe. So many what ifs. I know I can’t live in the land of what ifs or it would drive me crazy and would not benefit anyone. I can’t change what happened. My husband has been a big help to me, but changes the subject anytime I talk about it. I’ve had a lot of friends say some insensitive things, and while I don’t think they have ill intentions, I sometimes wonder where common sense is! I already can feel people getting tired of me talking about how broken I am. There is nothing they can say to make it better. I’m in the same boat as you, you’re not alone! Just reading other people’s stories here has helped me a little. I’ve learned that I need to feel what I’m feeling, whenever I feel it, and know that it’s normal. I seem to hide my feelings when I’m around people, and am able to grieve when I am alone. I hope you give yourself the same space to do that. It helps a little. Know that you are not alone and I hope you find some comfort and peace in that.

I know, I guess I just miss that comforting feeling only a mother or father can give 😕❤️

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the different perspectives. That post was off topic from my first about my MIL. I thought I had read a few threads about how it can be difficult being in/maintaining a relationship after a loss and grieving. I’m so sad all the time and I feel empty and broken. He tries to be supportive sometimes but isn’t very good with these kinds of things, and just changes the subject, so it makes me feel even more alone. 💔

@MartyT & @kayc I have been searching the site for info/threads about relationship problems after a loss and during grieving. I know I have seen it discussed here before but my search attempts didn’t find what I needed. I feel like I have nothing left to give to my relationship right now and a lot of anger is coming up as well. This anger was there prior to the grief but now feels stronger 😔 Any help or direction is appreciated.

@Kieron I am pretty good at making I statements, but in this case I have just been saying “your mother/family hurt my feelings by doing this”. Maybe that is phrased wrong, but it’s the truth! I know he loves his mother and family very deeply, which was one of the things that drew me to him! I just didn’t realize she/they had absolute control over him and that he can never stand up to her or that she can say or do no wrong. There are plenty of times I had to stand up to my mother, and I did! She didn’t love me any less nor I her, but I didn’t fear my mom like he fears his mom. I feel like he thinks if he stands up to her, she won’t love him anymore. It’s weird! Any who, thank you for the advice. I will try to phrase things less attacking. I can’t believe I even have to waste my already depleted energy on this kind of stuff, during this time 😔 @kayc I started reading a free sample so maybe I will. I feel I am capable of setting boundaries, it’s my husband not so much... It’s when I try to set boundaries and explain why, that it blows up in my face and turns into a fight. Maybe I can get him to read the book! 🙃

@kayc thank you so much for the reply. I have read your story many times and my heart goes out to you. It’s a hard thing to watch someone you love slip away from this earth 💔 I think my emotions are getting the best of me. She would never harm him, I just don’t have a good relationship with her. I know I can’t keep my son from her just because I think she is a crappy person. She has absolute control over my husband and it just sucks, especially now. I feel like it’s me vs them, and my husband isn’t on my side. That’s a lonely feeling especially after just losing my mother! You are a strong woman, and I appreciate your advice and kind words. I wish you well also and hope things look up for the both of us!

I just lost my mother a week and two days ago. Best friend, best woman, had her flaws, but so extremely caring and selfless for her family (Including my husband). She spoiled him, loved him so much and treated him like her own. My relationship with his family, specifically his mother, has been rocky since our wedding and I saw her manipulative/controlling ways come out. I also found out how much control she had over my husband. We almost didn’t get married because of it. I had anger towards her before I found out my mother was dying, and now I feel it’s worse. She almost ruined my wedding. She didn’t show up for the after party the next day when my mom went and got a ton of food for a party. She didn’t reach out to me until a month after my son was born to see how I was doing. She didn’t reach out to me when she found out my mom was coming home on hospice and finally text me on the day she died. I was hurt each time and told my husband, to which he would reply that he is not his mother and can’t control what she does. Didn’t care that she hurt my feelings. But when I say anything towards his mother, he gets super defensive and it turns into a fight 😔 She is very self-centered kind of woman, million selfies of herself on social media and how “blessed” her life is. Never helped my husband and I out like my mom did. Very shallow. Looks are everything to that woman. My mom was the opposite. So I’ve already had ill feelings towards his mom, and I feel they are being amplified now that my mom is not here. Especially because she keeps wanting to see the baby. Now is not the time or place for you to be coming to see my son. I’m grieving and you want to come to the house you were too good to come to last year and see my baby. It’s not the time or the place. It’s putting a great strain on my husband and I’s relationship.... but it hurts me his mom can be hurtful towards me and I have to just be ok with it. I’m not. And I don’t want her to have my son. She doesn’t deserve to be with him in my eyes... but I know this hurts my husband. Why does she get to be so hurtful and selfish and now I’m supposed to surrender my son to her? It hurts worse now that my mom isn’t here. I don’t want to see her with my son, doing what my mom would have done better. She doesn’t deserve to be with him when she’s done nothing but treat me and my mother poorly.

Thank you all. I tried to google the right etiquette, but wanted to get advice from those who truly understand. I think I know in my heart, that my mother would have made me send thank you notes (she was big on that). I will have to do them when I’m ready though, whenever that may be and maybe I never will be, but I will try. I can’t imagine doing them anytime soon, so I will give myself time.

I wasn’t sure where to put this... Am I supposed to send thank you notes out for condolence cards, food, flowers and other stuff? It hasn’t even been a week since my mom passed away and I’m still at the very beginning of grieving (pretty much shock and depression). I also have a newborn... I don’t know if can find the energy to sit down and write thank you notes. It takes me all the energy just to get out of bed in the morning and be a new mom. On top of that I’m still extremely sad... but I don’t want to seem rude or ungrateful. This is an example of something I would ask my mom 😔

@Bing thank you, and I am very sorry about your dad’s passing. I tried to quote something out of your passage but it is tricky to do from my phone. The whole surreal part and how your brain acknowledges it but it hasn’t hit you yet, is exactly how I feel. I know she would want me to go on and be a good mom to Carter and I also know she wished that she would be here for it and that kind of mangles my heart. This whole thing has made me think about my own death one day, especially now I that I have a child, which is scary. Yesterday, on our way to fill out the death certificate and pick out the urn, I just looked out the window in the car and everything seemed so meaningless (granted I have a son so I know it is not).

@MartyT & @kayc thank you for the kind words and advice. When people come visit, I feel like they expect me to be a mess but when they see I am not, they think I’m ok. I’m not really ok, it’s just stuck in there somewhere. Granted I haven’t really returned to my normal life yet, and I feel like that’s when it is going to be hardest. That’s when all the times I would call, text or visit my mom are going to be present, and I won’t be able to do it 💔

Sunday morning, I lost my very best friend. Heartbroken is an understatement. I died with her. There are so many things I am grateful for and so many things I am tormented about. I feel like I can’t catch my breath. Life feels so incredibly empty all of a sudden. She was such a fun person and so full of life. She loved to cook and she loved to dance. I can’t even put into words how much she means to me. I’ve been down this road already with my father, and never thought I’d have to do it again so soon. To be honest, I don’t really want to be here anymore but I know I have a baby boy who needs me. I will be the best mother to him because I had the best mother to show me how. She was so excited to be a grandmother and it crushes me that she didn’t really get that chance. I am thankful she got to spend a little time with her grandson. My husband and I have made a promise to make sure she is very much a part of his life. This is going to hit us in waves. I’m not ok, and I don’t think I ever truly will be, but I will just have to learn with being not ok. I haven’t had a real good cry since my mother passed a couple days ago. She was my world so I don’t understand it. I assumed every morning I would wake up and not want to get out of bed. It makes me think that it’s just going to hit me all at once when I least expect it. I cried a lot when she was here and I watched her get more and more sick. I cried heavily when she died and when they came to take her body. But now I just can’t get anything out. I feel guilty about it. I wonder if my mind is trying to protect me and block everything out. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t really feel gone to me and hasn’t sunk in... I just don’t know 😔. It is making me anxious because I know it’s going to happen and it’s going to hurt like hell when it does.

@fae I am currently at home with my mom in her final days, because of cirrhosis of the liver. She too was a heavy drinker, but she was such a wonderful person. She did so much for so many people. I am 32 and just had my first baby 3 months ago (same time she was diagnosed). She was so excited to be a grandma. I also lost my father when I was 16 from a sudden heart attack. I just want you to know you’re not alone. I have a very rough road ahead of me, as I am not accepting this new reality of mine. I’m broken and lost and when I wake up first thing in the morning, for a split second I forget what is happening but then I remember and I feel like I can’t catch my breath and the sadness washes over me. My mom is my best friend. From experience with my dad, I will tell you it gets easier and you’ll get through it even when you don’t want to. I don’t know if you are close with your dad, but losing mine, made me cherish my mom that much more. One day you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt so bad. We just learn to live with the pain, you just have to keep going forward the best you can. It helps to let your feelings out here, and I hope you eventually find peace.

@MartyT and @kayc I had a really good RN come in today and gave us a lot more guidance. She’s the best person they’ve sent in so far. I feel a little more comfortable trying to keep my mom comfortable, although I’m still heartbroken. I’m sorry for your losses and thankful you have this forum to help others. These have been some of the hardest days of my life, and I know they are only going to get harder, which is scary. I am trying to be strong, I really am, but I don’t know how I’m going to get through all this. I am leaning on people, and I am trying to find the joy in my newborn son... but it’s hard to find any joy in a broken heart.

My mom has been at home on hospice since Thursday. I’m thankful she is home, like she wanted to be. She can’t really communicate which makes managing her pain worse. I didn’t realize Hospice is more of a glorified pharmacy.... that’s all they’ve done is write prescriptions and pushed for morphine. Everything else has fallen on her husband and I to take care of. At times I find myself thinking she’s just sick, not dying. That I am just nursing her back to health. I feed her water and her medicine and food when she takes it. We move her around in the bed to prevent sores, and change her and bathe her. I can’t cry, it’s stuck in my chest, or maybe it’s because I’m not accepting the reality of the situation. She’s still here, she’s still breathing, she’s still swallowing. I don’t want to let her go. I love her so so so much.

Hi @kayc - thank you for the kind words. My mom comes home tomorrow with hospice. I don’t know how long she’ll last. I hope it is for a little. I have been through this before with my Grandma 3 years ago. I was the one with her when she took her last breath in hospice (my mom was just minutes away). I can’t believe I have to relive this with my own mother. After my father passed, I always wondered if it would be harder knowing a loved one was going to die, or if sudden death was easier. I can say they are both devastating. I feel like a horrible mom right now, I can barely keep it together around my 3 month old and he can sense it because he has been crying a lot more with me lately, and when his dad gets home, he takes care of him the rest of the night, because I can’t deal. The 3 of us are going to move into her house while she is here so hopefully she will get some more time with him. We even put up the Christmas tree because it is my mom’s favorite time of year.

Thank you Marty. She doesn’t want to die and she’s terrified and so heartbroken. They said she has weeks-months, although I can’t believe she will live months and I’m tired of having faith. I don’t want to go on without her.

I have been reading over a lot of stories in this group, and it has helped me a little, even though nothing can prepare me for what’s about to happen. I am about to have a call with a palliative care team to see the best way to take care of my mother who is dying from liver disease & kidney failure. I can’t believe this is happening, my brain won’t grasp the idea that this is really real. I’m 32 years old and just had my first child the same week they diagnosed my mom. She is 61. What was supposed to be one of the most exciting times in my life has now been the worst. I feel like I just got robbed of 20 years with her. My father died when I was 16, suddenly from a heart attack. That turned our world upside down much like this is going to, but now I won’t have my mother who is my rock to get through it with. I’m going to be orphaned in my 30s and with a newborn. Not many people my age can relate. I’m also an only child and any relatives I have are out of state and can’t come here for their own health reasons. I have my mom’s husband who I am close to and my husband, but it’s just not the same. I need my mom. I just wish we had more time, this stupid Coronavirus and my pregnancy kept me away from her, whereas I used to see her everyday. I feel like if I had seen her, I would have pushed her to go to the doctors sooner 💔 I’m so heartbroken, I feel like I am dying with her. It has been very difficult to take care of my son. I feel like I have been doing the bare minimum. This also has crushed my faith and the belief that those gone before me are watching over us.