CommanderCody

Am i wrong for having to be disappointed or have atleast a little bit of expectations? I've tried my best into minimizing expectations or have no expectations at all because she never wants expectations right now, it seems like a pressure to her. And when I expected that she wont take it for more than a week before talking to me ( but she actually did ) a part of me got disappointed. Did I self sabotage working out the relationship by expectating ( again ) ?

Hi, I know it has only been 2 days but I'm really feeling sad right now. I can't stop thinking about Alek and the way I ignored her. The past few days I've been meditating a lot trying to get my focus and tell myself that what I did, by ignoring her, was the right thing to do. But somehow, I can't get her out of my head. I've been keeping myself occupied -- going to the gym, doing school works, practicing guitar, etc... but my thoughts keep coming back to her. I feel bad that I ignored her like that because I was kinda pissed ( which is true ) that she messaged me after 9 days and that didn't give me no other choice but to ignore her. I felt like I should have given her a heads up that I'm choosing to move forward with my life right now. Everyday that passes by I know my heart heals slowly but it gets harder by the fact that I'm realizing we're not talking anymore and that she's consistently on my head now. I guess this is the hardest part about withdrawals... I know I don't owe her anything but why do I feel somehow bad that despite all her personal problems right now, I chose to walk away when all she wants right now is someone who would listen to her; to rant her problems at. I know that she's the only one who can save herself and I know that I chose to walk away for my own good, for my own healing and for my good benefit. But I felt like if she needed someone to cry a shoulder to, maybe I could be that someone and I threw it out when I decided to move on. There's a part of me wanting to message her, ask her how she has been doing, and there is another part of me, the majority part, telling me to just continue the no contact, let it go and move on. I can't avoid thinking that she felt I'm still expecting something from her or from this working out the relationship that's why when she messaged me after 9 days, I didn't respond to her because I was disappointed or that she didn't meet my expectations...

This. This is what I have been feeling most of the time whenever I am talking to her. I usually filter my words and analyze each word if they are going to offend her or she will take it in a different way. To be honest it's very exhausting that I overthink each sentence before I even send them. I usually think " everything has to be right or at least great as not to offend her because she is sensitive right now". I'm really happy how you and your boyfriend are handling the relationship right now. How I wish she had been like that to me. That said, I don't have much more to say about my situation right now as you and @kaychave provided some really good advice, support, and sympathy. I'm just thankful for the pain and lessons that Alek taught me as it opened me to a whole new perspective in relationships and life as it is. I will keep in touch about my healing progress! Again, I thank you for listening and supporting me.

I have just finished watching a TED Talk about How to fix a broken heart by Guy Winch. He did mention that people who are going through heart breaks are similar to those addicts that stopped using drugs. I've realized I'm going through a withdrawal and every time I keep in touch with her or check her social media, I just feed my mind the " drug " it needs. He also stated that it can be difficult on avoiding not to reminisce on the good memories but we need to balance it out -- we also need to remind ourselves why we're not good for them, their bad qualities, the fights or bad arguments, anything that can help us to see why the breakup is a blessing in disguise. There are a lot he said but these are the ones that really got stuck on my mind.

To avoid confusion, I want you to understand that when we broke up last September and agreed to work out the relationship the following day, she already asked me for space then. But the thing is, we would still talk on a daily basis from Sep 15 - Oct 18, saying good morning's and good night's, just like what we were doing when we're still a couple. The problem is that I don't know when to give her the space she wants if we are continuing talking regularly and when we got into an argument last Oct 18 that resulted her wanting even more space, that's when we stopped talking on a daily basis, no more good morning's or good night's. That's the time I know when to give her the space she needs since we're not talking on a daily basis. She has mentioned this to me back October when we gave each other space for 1 month ( but she would reach out first and we would talk atleast once or twice a week ) from Oct 18 - Nov 17. The only difference is that she never said that " please know that I need you " she said something close to " I'm really struggling right now, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, but the only way I know how to cope is to cope it by myself " 1. I know that I can't save her. She also knows that she is the only one who can save herself and I respected that when we took space for a month last October. When we agreed to work out the relationship again last November, I was slightly hoping to see that she's really into making this work. She tried when we went out last time. You could read my story on page 3 I think about when we went to the mall. 2. Me too. I just find it so funny because before when we were just courting each other, she told me that she feels sorry for me for all the pain I've been through the past and my efforts were not acknowledge by the previous girls I've dated. I BELIEVED when she told me that she won't do those things to me. When we talked last month about working out the relationship, she said to me that she's appreciative of me for the support I've been giving her even she had hurt me. It was never her intention to hurt me. You could read that on page 2 or 3 I think. 3. Yeah, I'd rather be with someone also who's willing to go through thick and thin with me. I'm just really surprised that she had to cut me off, but that decision of hers to cut me off was a hard decision for her. I saw it when we talked about it via video call. She was crying. If I only knew the right words to say at that time maybe we could have avoided not breaking up. Even if she did take her space in those 9 days, isn't it enough that she communicated it with me back October 18 when we've decided to give each other space? I'm just thinking that she's really busy or thinking too much about her personal problems that she doesn't have time to talk to me. Yes, we stopped saying good morning to each other back when we gave each other space for a month last Oct 18. We would usually start our conversations since then in a " Hey, how are you?" Yes, I agree with you on that. I've been on the receiving end of that where in there was a time where I would only talk to someone when it's convenient for me. I guess it came back to bite me in the ass. True that. When we went out last time, the following day I cried because it hurts me knowing that we weren't that couple that we used to be before. We went out just as casual friends without any close intimate gestures with each other ( for example : holding hands ) and I think that's just what she wants as of the moment. 5 days of no contact and 14 days of literally without a casual conversation with each other. I think I need to continue this now and I can feel it that I'm healing one day at a time.

It has been 5 days since she last reached out to me asking " Hey, how are you?" and 14 days in total that we haven't really talked. Last Sunday when I posted an instagram story about spending the day with my family, her big sister replied to it with this 😍 emoji and I replied with " Hi! Thanks for reacting " and she replied with " Beautiful family!!! God bless you! " and I replied and we ended the conversation. My point is her sister is still reaching out to me even tho she knows that Alek and I broke up. Alek viewed my stories but I stopped viewing Alek's stories as I don't want to know what's going on in her life right now, and that I'm going no contact. Alek mentioned to me back October that she resumed talking to her best friend after 3 months of not talking to each to other. Because that best friend of hers went through the same thing as she is going through right now and when she reached out to her, they acted like nothing happened and there were no hard feelings. I'm thinking that maybe Alek does get it as why I'm not responding to her right now and maybe in the future there will be no hard feelings if we get to talk to each other about why I stopped talking to her.

1. Yes. But I can't blame her that she can't treat me right right now because she is emotionally unavailable. 2. Of course. Even before the pre-grief stage, we both discussed that we want our relationship to be a long-term relationship. Funny how it turned out. 3. Yeah... I know she's trying her best and I appreciate her for trying but unfortunately I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship... I don't even know why is there a part of me that's slightly holding on... It would probably leave me as that same " fool " guy who chose to give many chances but can't choose himself. I don't want to be that guy... Whenever I talk to myself about this situation, I would always say that " bro it's better you found about this early rather than going 2-3 years or more deep in the relationship then finding out this is how she responds to crisis in her life. That would've hurt more. " I really see this a blessing but just can't slightly accept the fact that it had to happen to us... I'm just a little frustrated because I thought this is the love I've been waiting for. Everything was in sync especially before and after we became a couple. I would convince myself that maybe she's just busy at her new job or she has been thinking too much about the problems in her personal life that's why she doesn't have time for me and since I know that fixing the relationship isn't the main priority right now, I have to understand why she hasn't reached out yet. But then again, if she does wants to fix the relationship, I would somehow feel it... but in those 9 days that we haven't talked ,I didn't feel anything emotionally towards the relationship except that I missed her. I just did what would any person who is grieving would do, try to move on. And once she did reach out after 9 days, it then hit me that she will be only talking to me when it's convenient for her. It sucks it had to be that way. Yeah, that what's exactly going to happen if I tolerate that attitude. As much as I love her, I can't allow someone to treat me as an option. I know my worth and what I can offer to the table but allowing someone to go and come back whenever they want isn't one of them. But what if the time we didn't talk for 9 days was just her wanting her space? would it make a difference? Yesterday when me and my family drove by to the places where Alek and I had our first date and where we ate dinner the last time we saw each other, I didn't hold back my tears. The sentimental value on those places are just too heavy for me. After a while, I looked myself up in the mirror and I said " hey im proud of you for overcoming your fears. I know you've been avoiding going back here but I'm proud for the courage you had to do so. " I know what I have to do, my eyes are wide open, but something is holding me back. Maybe it's the happy memories, the laughs we both have shared together, the promises we've mentioned. My father told me to let go the hope of the relationship going back to once it was and he is right. I know to continue this would put me in a disadvantage, not just emotionally but as a whole person. And I should respect myself enough to not let that happen. I just want to ask, how can we both keep our friendship intact if I decide to move on? or should I let life handle it?

Can we really say that she did ignore me for those 9 days that we didn't talk to each other? Because Ive been told that each grievers have a different way of coping up and it really depends on how they feel. Im just thinking what if she just didnt feel talking to me in those 9 days? Is that a valid question? In my opinion also, I still should be giving her space until now whether she asks for it or not. That's why I have said if she wants to change things, she could say so. If she doesnt want space now, she could say so. But she didnt say anything about what she wants. That's why Im still giving her space and why Im not reaching out to her. But when she did reached out to me after 9 days, I thought to myself that maybe that's enough because that's a long period of time of not talking to each other when we both have decided to work things out. Can I hear your opinion about this? And I also want to add : when we have decided last month to work out the relationship again, I have told her that we should focus on our priorities right now and she agreed. Now Im just thinking, is there any reason for me not to be disappointed if she didnt reach out to me for 9 days when I am the one who had said that we should focus on our priorities?

I feel she needs to hear something from me that I have decided to move on. As much as I wanted to ignore her just like that, I know an explanation would at least be the proper way to do it ( in my opinion ). Just like when she was asking for space few months back, she would tell me -- not suddenly disappearing, so that I wouldnt think or worry too much as why she is not responding or talking to me. I think she will understand if I try to explain it to her, but there's a part of me that's saying that my explanation would turn against me and I will be looking the bad guy here. But then again, I know I don't owe her anything. My actions says it out loud. The reason Ive decided to move on now is because when she didnt talk to me for 9 days from Dec 1 - Dec 10, thats when I realized she will only talk to me when its convenient for her. And when we went out last time, I can clearly see how everything changed. We weren't holding hands while walking, no more taking random pictures of us both, and being intimately close with each other. I cant continue working out the relationship if its going to be like this. Its going to be difficult. If she or you're wondering " why wont you reach out first?" well Im still respecting her wish as to giving her space. If she wants to change that, she can say so. I'm just thinking to myself what if she thought that the reason I wont respond to her is because I'm still expecting something from her and when I failed to meet my expectation, I suddenly disappeared? For example : not talking to me longer than 5 days. And when she didn't and messaged me after 9 days, I just ignored her because I then knew this is mostly on her terms and when its convenient for her. Because for a fact I know she doesnt want any expectations right now. Am I wrong thinking this?

As much as I wanted to do this, telling her that I need to move on and heal myself right now so that she would understand better and not think that I'm purposely ignoring her, but isn't ignoring her enough to let her feel that I'm moving on in my life? This is what @kaychas told me about that I don't really need to explain myself as it would just open to a discussion. But I want you to read this paragraph that I've posted on page 4 -- this is about the time back September when I ignored her for 3 days " Is it really okay that I didn't discuss with her that I would be choosing myself now and move on? Cause I feel like she needs to hear that from me since we both agreed to work out the relationship again last month. When we broke up last September and agreed to work out the relationship the following day, on the same week I didn't talk to her for 3 days for a specific reason and she messaged me saying that she thought we both agreed to work out the relationship and that she wants a reply so atleast she knows where she stands. And of course I replied and we both talked about it. I said to her " I've thought about it and I do want to work this relationship out. " She then said " If you wanted space, you could have just said so. It would have hurt less " That's why I feel like she needs to hear it from me this time -- not suddenly disappear. " most of the people I've consulted with -- my father, my bestfriend, my aunt, and Kay C, have all said that I dont have to tell her that. Ignoring her and making her feel I'm moving in is enough for her to feel that I'm moving forward.

You're very right. I know Ive said this a lot but I really do have to accept that it's time to move on whether I like it or not. Regardless if she wants to try to work out the relationship -- even though there's nothing much for me if I stick around... I will keep you posted in the future about my progress or if anything else happens! Thank you very much, Kay C.

Anyway I told this to my dad and he told me that I shouldn't even care anymore right now -- that If she messages or not, then fine let it be. That's what he told me. That if it were up to him, I shouldn't even bother dropping Alek a message in the future especially greeting her a Merry Christmas on Christmas Eve. He even told me that just because I ignored her message last time doesn't mean that we're not friends anymore. He also said that Of course we're still friends, I'm not just obligated to reply to her and that's okay according to him. But then again I asked him what about what she's gonna be feeling that I ignored her and maybe because of that she won't message me anytime soon, and he said " if she won't then act like you don't care. You're showing to her now that you're not interested anymore " And one last thing, he even agrees that this is really gonna be a sided thing also ( obviously ). That the time we went out last week was an eye opener for me because he even said that I realized the changes ( no more holding hands, no more sweetness, random taking a picture of both of us, etc... ) and that's all the closure I needed according to him. He even told me that I shouldn't hope anymore that even when she said she still wants to work out the relationship, I should just let it go...

Is it really okay that I didn't discuss with her that I would be choosing myself now and move on? Cause I feel like she needs to hear that from me since we both agreed to work out the relationship again last month. When we broke up last September and agreed to work out the relationship the following day, on the same week I didn't talk to her for 3 days for a specific reason and she messaged me saying that she thought we both agreed to work out the relationship and that she wants a reply so atleast she knows where she stands. And of course I replied and we both talked about it. I said to her " I've thought about it and I do want to work this relationship out. " She then said " If you wanted space, you could have just said so. It would have hurt less " That's why I feel like she needs to hear it from me this time -- not suddenly disappear. Why do I think that the reason she feels why I'm not talking to her right now is because I'm expecting something from her and when I didn't meet my expectation (not talking to me for more than a week because that's too much if she really wants to work out the relationship), I ignored her? or is it just me? If I'll be continuing my moving on process, would it also be okay to greet her Merry Christmas on the 24th so that at least she knows that I'm still open for a friendship?

Hi, @kaycI just want to share you this small detail : Her brother messaged me again earlier he said " Kuya ( brother ) Emman, Can I ask you something?" and since I'm thinking maybe he has really something to ask, I replied to him. Then he just proceeded in asking me if I'm available to play with him and I just told him " I can't. I'm very occupied right now. Much has been going on. " and he then said " ohhh ok 🤧🤧 " and I thanked him for understanding after that. Is what I did right by replying to him? Because I feel like if he tells his sister that I replied to him after ignoring him yesterday (I'm not really sure he would), Alek would then think that I'm purposely ignoring just her since I replied to her brother. Did I lose my momentum when I replied to him? I know I shouldn't even care anymore since I'm moving on that whether Alek will still reach out to me or not but why do I still think about it. I also know that I've said I'm determined & ready to move on, I should stand by what I said since I have already started and taken the first step -- ignoring her message... and its going to take some getting used to... In your opinion, does she have a feeling by now that I'm moving on?

What can you say about this, Kay C? I havent seen nor replied to her message yet. Should I keep it that way? Im wondering if we'll ever talk again in the future if I ignore her right now... I'm doing this to protect myself as of the moment but I'm still open in keeping a friendship with her in the future... I just dont know right now how that's gonna happen tho...

Her brother kept messaging me just a few moments earlier -- asking to play with me, spamming me with messages but I'm not replying to him either. I feel bad for doing this to him because he just wants to play but I'm ignoring his messages... I know this is for the best and for my self-healing but damn, it's not really easy. It's harder than I imagined. We developed a bond over the past few months and he looked up to me as one of his older brothers and it sucks that it has to come down this way. I wish I could tell him that I'm moving on but I don't think he'll understand... We had a talk yesterday also though, I told him then that I won't be able to play ps4 with him because I have to focus for my upcoming finals next week. When he messaged me earlier he was asking an hour of my time to play with him but I didn't respond. I just wish he would understand the reason that I've told him yesterday... I don't want to feel bad for ignoring him.

I just want to share this detail : Alek posted a story in her instagram yesterday, when we went out last week she told me that there are a few specific people who she allowed to view her " close friends " story and I am one of them. I don't know how many but I'm estimating less than 5 since she's really that private in her personal life right now. Since she posted a story yesterday, I purposely didn't view it because I'm really determined now into moving on. Until earlier today, after 9 days, she messaged me all of a sudden, she said " hey, how are you? " and I smirked and lol'ed at it. I guess she noticed I didn't view her story ( because I always view her stories especially those only meant for her close friends ) and that made her to send me a message, I guess? I know I have given a time frame for this until the end of December to try to see if things are gonna work out but I know I don't deserve that she'll be messaging me after 9 days if she's really wants also in working this relationship out. I want someone who'll consistently tell me what's going on in their lives and not hit me up when it's convenient for them. Is this how its gonna be if I'm gonna continue it with her? That its mostly gonna be on her terms and when it's convenient for her? It has been 2 1/2 hours since she messaged me and I still haven't replied yet -- I don't think I won't be replying for now. I think that sends a pretty clear message even without I saying a word. Should I reply and let her know that I'm moving on or it's better if things are left unsaid? Any thoughts, @kayc?

I had a talk with my best friend last night and I told him the changes I had to made in order to fully heal and he's proud how I'm willing to make the change. It's not going to be easy but I'm ready to take the next step now and the first thing that I have to do is self-heal. I'm really happy how heard I am in this site -- and the amount of support I've received is overwhelming. I'm grateful for it. I will be updating you in the future about my progress, Kay C!

This is the saddest part. I always believed when we started the relationship everything was going through its natural flow -- the love is there, the timing is great. But unfortunately how wrong was I about the timing. Yeah, and it's something that I have to accept even though it is difficult. You're very welcome! I'm really happy for you both on how you are making things work. I hope you both surpass this together!

Thank you for the kind words. I have been meditating almost every morning from 6-7 AM and I use that time to think about things, gather my thoughts, and also a time of realizations. And slowly I have been accepting the fact that she may have been only a lesson that I need to learn as I take my next step in life. You're right about what you have said to me last month about the pain getting lessen in time. Right now, I won't lie that I still think of her daily but the heartache that once was there is slowly healing and I can feel it. I know that to fully heal, I need to do something about spending time with her brother through video games and I'm going to cut it for now. I can't bear to hear her voice in the background as of right now -- it's too heavy for me. It's like getting to smell a scent that reminds me of her. I want to ask, is this the perfect time to go no contact to her since I'm healing one day at a time? Like no viewing of her instagram stories, no contact with her family, or even talk to her if she reaches out to me?

You're right. I kept thinking about what you have said to me before about " If she wants space, she'll take it. If she wants you in her life, she knows where to find you. If she asks why you're not initiating, tell her you're respecting her wish on giving her space. If she wants to change things, she can say so. " and this makes sense. I'm guessing she's just occupied right now that I don't have any space in her life as of the moment.

I respect your opinion on this statement. I on the other hand looks at it from a different perspective, that she's genuinely caring for me -- she knows that she doesn't have much to offer right now and she can't meet my expectations that's why she did what she had to do -- break us up. To me that is a form of love, even though she doesn't want to do it ( she was crying when we had this break up discussion ) she had to let me go. You know the saying -- " if you love someone, let them go. If they come back it's meant to be. But if not, their love was never yours to begin with " It just sucks that life had to get in the middle of our way.

Hi @selena1988, I'm happy to hear from you again. First of all, I extend my condolences to your boyfriend's mother. How I wish my ex acted the same way how your boyfriend is acting right now, that he needed you the most in his time of grief and not cut you out of it. When we started the relationship last July, the both of us even talked about how we are going to be on the same page ( we didn't talk about grief or how we are going to handle through tough times ) and until the end of that conversation we agreed to everything we have said to each other. I believed in everything she said to me. That's why I when her father died, I know that she would be going through a lot and I need to be there for her but I was in total shock that she's slowly losing in the relationship then. I tried to fix that and force an outcome but it got even worse. I know she's a mature person, I saw and felt it even before she was grieving. At first I can't really understand why she had to cut me off in her time of grief -- until I found this site and I realized that I wasn't alone in this situation. I still continued to show her support even though we had broken up because I know both of us doesn't deserve to be in this spot. She thanks me from time to time, acknowledging the support I've been giving her even though she had hurt me. Yes, you are right about this. We haven't spoken for 7 days now and I'm not exactly sure why she hasn't reached out to me. I haven't done anything wrong the past days nor last week when we went out -- she even thanked me the following day for listening to her rants. Me and her brother have been playing Call of Duty for the past 2 days and it's such a hard feeling on my chest whenever I would get to hear her voice in the background. That's why I'm now considering on making up an excuse as to not play with her brother anymore, or at least for now. I'm not even sure when are we going to be talking to each other again or IF we are going to be talking to each other again. I don't want to reach out first because I've done so much to try to work this relationship out with her and the only thing she can do to let me feel that she's still into this is just initiating conversation with me. The only thing that I can do right now is move forward and be grateful for all the lessons she had taught me. It was not easy to handle a grieving person but I'm thankful for the experience because now I know I just moved a level higher in my life now.

I want to ask, is blindside equivalent to gaslight or being gaslighted? and is it a reasonable excuse to treat someone as "blindside" them when they are grieving? I can't really blame her for being depressed during her grieving stage as to the reason that led her to cut me off...

I just want to share this small detail : Her little brother and I played Call of Duty again earlier, while we were playing I was just having a conversation with him and in the middle of our conversation I asked him how is his sister and he told me that she's fine and that she's doing her job and I asked him " downstairs?" and he said " nope. here with me. Do you want to talk to her? " and I said " no, i dont want to disturb her " and after a while I asked him does his sister knows that both of us are playing and yeah, she does. And whenever I would ask her brother about her, he would reply " yeah she's here " and she would then know I was asking about her lol haha I would just keep silent for a few moment just to let her feel the vibe that I'm not actually looking for her ( but in fact I do... ) I'm now questioning myself whether I should continue playing with her brother or not.. my dad advised me before that any connections that still I have with her friends or family until now will only prolong my moving on process... Any thoughts about that?