CommanderCody

I've read the first page of your forum and all I could say is damn... that was hard. May I ask how did you move on from that and what was the best thing that happened that made you say " it all turned out for the best"? Alek and I haven't spoken for 5 days now and I think it's going to continue for a number of days. Tomorrow will be the first week since we've last saw each other, nothing big, I just thought about it. I don't know when will we be talking again or IF we will be talking again. Right now, I'm just really focusing on moving on, making myself busy just not to think about her that often ( it works tho ). I'm not exactly also sure why she hasn't messaged me or is she just waiting for me to message her? But I'm letting her set the pace, I don't want to disrupt the space that I'm still giving her. I've also mentioned to her last week that my dad will be coming home for a vacation, maybe she's not messaging because she doesn't want to disturb me and our family time? or maybe she's just busy with her new job? I don't know... Since our last conversation last Tuesday when she thanked me for listening to her rants, we had a small talk after that but I didn't reply to her last message because there was nothing to reply about just " hahahaha " Do you think that we're just waiting for each other to message the other person? since she's been always the one who is messaging me first? But I do think that I've done so much effort to try to work this relationship out, the most effort she could just do right now is initiate convo with me. That's a fair thought, right?

Yeah... I guess we could say that I really did try my best but unfortunately it's not enough... Yeah, I will keep updating you! I really appreciate your patience with me, I know I've been repeating mostly what I have been saying..

I'm not even sure if I should discuss with her that I want to move on from our relationship. I remember you've mentioned a while back that " it goes without saying since she broke up with you. She surely understand that her actions took her away from you and you have to get through this however you can. No need to explain yourself as that can open a dialogue " I'm just confused right now on what to do. Should I even discuss this with her? We haven't talked for 4 days now. But I just finished playing a game on ps4 with her little brother. Is that too much? should I be avoiding doing that? Cause her brother and I really plays video games together.

Is moving on and letting her go for my own benefit means that I love her? Because I'm thinking sometimes that what if she needs me and since I'm moving on or had moved on, I won't be able to be there for her. Do you feel like a few months from now she'll come to her senses and realizes how much a mistake she had done about breaking us up? I'm talking about this month. I don't think I can wait a year wishing and hoping that our situation may turn around. By next year I'm moving forward with my life, with or without her, and start doing the purpose that I have found when we took space from each other last November.

@kayc I understand. I'll give her until this December and if still nothing happens, I'm leaving everything this 2020 and I'm not gonna look back.

Hi @selena1988, I appreciate your thoughts on my situation. I'm glad to hear an opinion from another perspective. I agree with almost everything you have said, they make total sense -- from bringing their best selves to the table until to me being her safety net. But I'm believing that you might have taken a misconception about her accepting support. She recognizes my outmost support in her time of grief, even her sister was shocked when she found out recently that we've broken up because I was very supportive to them from the beginning but our relationship fell apart. I really agree with you on this statement. On the first few weeks when we've broken up, I kept constantly thinking about this. I've been asking myself that " it's only been 2 months since we've become a couple but this already happened to us. What more if we continued the relationship? " I'm not blaming the death of her father. I'm saying she really handles her own personal problems differently. But I get her point on why she chose to break us up it's because she doesn't want to be selfish and she can't meet my expectations at the moment. I also know people handle their problems or grief differently but I really wished that she didn't cut me out of it. I also wish she realizes by now that if I'm still supportive of her until now, what more if she didn't break us up? I know I deserve better than this. I don't really know why I'm still hoping there's a chance to fix this. The attraction is dead. The love we once shared is not there right now. But I still care and love her and I feel she still (care) does too. As day goes by, I'm slowly accepting the fact that sooner or later she may be out of my life and it's something that I should be brave enough to face to.

based on your experience and all of the similar stories you encountered that I've been going through, even though she still wants to work it out and judging from the previous story I've shared, what's your estimate ratio on us making it work?

It really is exhausting as a matter of fact. I'm not gonna lie there. It's really difficult to censor a sentence and analyzing each word before I even say it -- and once I have said it and she reacts in a different way, I'm constantly thinking " was there something wrong from what I have said?" Even I am amazed how long could I be this " stupid " into trying to work this out with her, but I know there's nothing for me here, there's nothing she could even offer me at this moment. and to answer your last question : no, I know for a fact that I can't always be my authentic self while I'm around her. The fun, playful, enthusiastic, charismatic, person I once knew that she was is really gone now. It's difficult to maintain that balance around her especially since I'm a humorous person.

I don't do it all the time with my friends or other people but of course I'm aware of the things I should say in general, in avoidance of getting other's offended or such. But I feel like I have carried this habit of "constantly filtering my words" even to my friends, where in for instance I would really construct my sentence well before saying it to them.

I do understand. What I'm trying to do right now is still trying to be there for her as a friend ( even if we both agreed to work this out ). I'm also letting her set the pace, I'm not the one who's reaching out first. Speaking of constantly measure, I do filter most of my words before I say it to her because I don't know how she will react to it and it's difficult to be honest. I try to be myself when we were together last time, I'm acting how she first knew me -- cracking a joke & having a sense of humor, but at the same time I'm displaying to her the new me, not the one who she saw last time. I do feel if we both continue to do this, there will be a circumstance where in it's really going to be one sided. Any more advice for me? Also, I want to add : when we talked on our way to the shopping mall the other day, she mentioned to me that it irritates her whenever people ask her " how are you? " because its obvious that she isn't feeling alright. I don't know also how to ask her how is she doing without it irritating her. Do you have any suggestions what to say instead?

Hi @kayc Here's another update : Yesterday we both saw each other. I picked her up from her house and we went to a shopping mall after. During our trip on the way to the mall, we both had small conversations at first -- I was telling her stories about my hiking trip and some things I've been doing in the past month. After I told my stories, we went silent for a moment then she started telling her stories and she first told me that she got a job now and I congratulated her for it and after a while into her story telling, she dropped a tear when she mentioned an issue in her family right now and told me " I told myself I won't be crying today " and then I did what I know should do -- I muted the music and started listening to her. The whole time she cried and ranted her problems at me, I shut my mouth and opened my ears. She even included that a friend of hers were asking her if Alek and I are still together ; also her big sister, when she found out that we were broken up, she told Alek " why did you break up with him? he was supportive of us from the start " and Alek told me after " I even told you the reason why we broke up right" at that moment when she told me that I know she wants me understand the reason why we broke up (because maybe her sister didn't ) and I just stood silence. After I knew she's done ranting her problems at me, I focused on the only positive thing she said and it was the job she recently had and I told her " I'm happy for you that you have a job right now " and after awhile we began to have a more fun conversation and it led us to laughing with each other until we got to the shopping mall. At the shopping mall, everything was good! I didn't try to reach out my hand to her so we could be holding hands while walking. I just really took it slow. The whole time we would go from store to store and check something out, she eventually did bought a shirt and a brand new eye glasses. While roaming around the shopping mall we would also have some conversations. After the shopping mall we decided to get something to eat and we drove to the restaurant right after. On the way to the restaurant, she picked up where we last cut off the topic about her problems and she told me " That's my drama story" And I told her " thank you for sharing it with me. I know you have trust issues right now and I can't blame you for that. You can trust me" we would have some conversations after that and there was this one conversation where I just asked her something related to what we were talking about then when she answered my question I jokingly told her " that's not the answer I was expecting " and she told me " here we go again with the expectations " and I just realized on that moment that what word I used was a total mistake! I just kept silent and didn't explain myself because I didn't mean it the way she interpreted it to be. At the restaurant, nothing much happened. We just ate and have some talk. After the restaurant I drove her back home. On the way, at first we were quiet for some time even when at traffic but she opened a topic and we both had a conversation. We went to talk about her family problems the most the whole time and I would just listen as she rants and give a small reply to what she says and she would continue on talking. I noticed that whenever she would talk to me about her problems, she really has a lot to say -- that she would go on talking and talking. We both even discussed about time being so fast and I asked her if she wants to go back in time where would she go first etc. When I dropped her home we just said goodbyes to each other and I told her to take care for her errands the following day. Earlier this day, she messaged me and said " Hey, I just want to say thank you for listening to my rants yesterday! " And I replied " Hey! You're always welcome!! I also want to say that I'm proud of you on how you handle your problems " and we had a small convo after that and I didn't reply. Last night was the most conversation we both had with each other personally since September? Cause whenever I try to recall it, yesterday was the most stories we've exchanged with each other after a long time. I would say I'm proud for how I acted around her. I didn't force any outcome, I listened to her ( but right now I feel that after she ranted me her problems on our way to the mall, I should have said something to validate her feelings -- not just say how happy I was for her for her job. What you think? ), I just kept it casual, talked to her like how I would talk to my friends, & didn't expect anything. I also want to ask, is it alright to say " you're always welcome or you're welcome " when someone thanks you for listening to them? what could I have said better? I would love to hear your thoughts on my story, Kay C!

Hi, @kayc I hope everything is good with you. I just want to give you an update regarding the situation : For the past few days Alek and I are continuing talking to each other on a daily basis but we only keep it to a really small talk. She would usually message me first just asking how am I -- and I would initiate conversation with her and the rest follows. Regarding the plan I told you about inviting her to come with me, she wanted to but just couldn't make it for a reason and I understand her reason and it's valid. It's sunday now but last Thursday she asked me if I am free for Friday so we both could hangout but I told her I was busy last Friday and I suggested maybe we could reschedule on Monday. And last night she just told me that she's free for Monday and we will be seeing each other tomorrow after 6 weeks. I don't know what to do to make our hangout tomorrow fun but I'll try to entertain her with my stories ( especially since she saw my stories earlier about our hiking and falls trip ) Is there anything you could advise for tomorrow?

I don't think so. I just have a feeling she wants me to be around so her ex wont bother her -- and also that her friends could meet me since they've been longing to meet me before. But since I've told her that I won't be coming with her to Pampanga and go on with my plans instead, all of those things she planned on her head won't matter anymore. And plus, I'm not her boyfriend anymore, why would I even meet her friends?

Just another update : She just replied just now after 2 hours and 40 minutes. She just said " Oh okayyy I don't know yet... " then I didn't reply for an hour then she messaged me again saying " You're staying there the whole day or for the whole weekend? " And I just replied with " We will be coming back to Manila first thing in the morning. Why? "

Hi @kayc, I want to give you an update : I messaged her at 3:20 pm then she replied back at 4:02 but I wasn't able to reply immediately cause my wifi was off -- at 4:30, I replied " Hey! I just want to ask, did you already decide if you're going to Pampanga?" then she replied immediately and said " I'm not sure if I want to go... why? " then I told her " I see. My plans for this weekend is a go. Do you want to come with me to Lucena? We're gonna be hiking then swimming in the waterfalls! " then she replied " Who's gonna be coming? " then I told her " My high school friends from Qatar. We're only 4. " The last message I sent was clocked at 4:42 pm but she didn't reply back yet -- and its 7:03 pm now, take note it has been almost 3 hours since I last messaged her -- we were talking on a fast pace just 3 hours ago to her not replying for 3 hours now after I told her that my plans are set and asked if she wants to come with me. That's so funny to think about. She may not yet reply to me if she wants to come or not but the amount of time she lets pass by tell me a lot about her answer and that there is a hidden agenda behind her asking me to come with her to Pampanga... Any thoughts?

exactly the same thought that I'm thinking. I don't really want her to feel that I'm chasing and relationship focused right now. I'm going to talk to her later and ask her first what's her decision before I invite her then I'll ask if she wants to come with me. I'll update you later!

Hi, @kayc I just want to give you another update : Alek messaged me just a few moments ago and she asked if I am free on the weekend and I replied I'm not yet sure because me and my friends are also discussing about our plans for the weekend and I asked her why. She then told me " My college friends invited me to go on an overnight trip in Pampanga ( a province in Philippines ) but I don't want to go alone because Josh is there ( her ex who treated her very badly ) I mean, I'm not yet sure if I'm still going " and I just proceeded to tell her " Alrightt, I'll let you know few days before the weekend regarding our plan " and she just said "okayyyy" I don't plan on ditching my friends because we've already set the plan -- but should I accompany her incase she plans on going to Pampanga? Since I know how bad her ex treated her badly, I doubt that she'll even be going alone. My questions now is, would it be okay if I ask her if she wants to come with me and my friends instead or should I come with her to Pampanga? My friends and I would be hiking and swimming in a waterfall and I think she could use some of that activity. I don't want to overthink it but why do I feel like she only asked me to come just to shield her from her ex and not actually want to see or be with me? Or am I the only one thinking about that? That's why since she's still undecided if she'll be going or not, I'm planning to ask her to come along with us on our trip just to see if she DOES actually wants to be with me and not to be some bodyguard. I also want you to understand that the reason she is asking for me to come is because the relationship Alek and Josh had in the past was very abusive. He would hurt her physically, verbally, and emotionally. So I really get it Alek doesn't want to be around him no more and why she has asked me to be with her. What do you think, Kay C?

Exactly! I also don't want her to sense that I'm overly excited that we're both talking again and she may get that sort of feeling if I continue to always initiate conversation with her. And if she does, that might give her a reason to back off a little bit because she'll get a gut feeling that I'm focused on her, where all she wants right now is taking things slow and/or a friend.

Hi @kayc I just want to give you an update : It's been 3 days straight that we've been talking and right now it's a saturday and I just wished her a great weekend early in the morning and she wished me the same back. I'm not sure if I should be the one who'll hit her up and start a conversation right now cause I don't want to overdo talking to her on a daily basis. I just want to ask is it alright if I won't be talking to her the whole weekend or the following days after that if she wont message me first? I'm planning on just letting her come to me whenever she feels to. Because even tho we both agreed to work out the relationship again, I want to let her know and feel that I'm not focusing on her and fixing the relationship right now -- that I'm just going with the flow also ( just like what she said ) and since I've told her that the priority right now should be focusing on ourselves and our plans, I feel like if I even message her just to say " hey how are you? " would let her know that I'm still chasing or clinging onto fixing the relationship.

Thank you both @kayc @MartyT for those words. I will give you an update in the future regarding our situation!

You're exactly right about that. I think the best way that I can do right now is even if she herself told me that she wants to work it out with me, I shouldn't expect as much because she isn't in the right place to give something emotionally right now.

It's so difficult not to over read into it because her actions says louder than words. I'm trying my best to understand her but Its not going to be easy... I know that I have to prolong my patience if this is something I'm in the long haul for

Just a small update : She messaged me an hour ago just asking how much the paratha in our area costs? ( because we went there before to eat ) and I replied " Around 50-65 PHP " and she replied back " Much cheaper! " I don't plan on replying anymore not after how our conversation on video call went. I feel like she's just trying to see if I was somehow affected on how she talked to me earlier. I clearly stated last month when we had our argument before she asked for more space that whenever she talks to me, I don't feel the energy or enthusiasm anymore. I was hoping that since we took this space, she would reflect on that and talk to me more properly when we have a face to face conversation but no -- the way she talks to me is still the same.

Hi, @kayc I just want to give you an update : We just finished talking together on video call via messenger. I'm honestly disappointed because this is the first time we have seen each other face to face on video call since October 18 and the way she talked to me is still the same way on how she talks to me even on the last time we saw each other personally -- uninterested, no energy, lack of enthusiasm. I was kinda hoping that she would talk to me in a energetic way because if you haven't seen someone for a long time you would be excited to be talking to them but that didn't happen to us earlier. I tried to make the conversation work by sharing stories and asking her how she is since the past month and she would reply " same old same old " and you could hear in her voice on how she wasn't interested into talking to me. She then asked me how was I and I replied to her question. Here is the most red flag part, I told her the purpose on why did I ask to have video call with her and its because I wanted to ask her how much space does she need right now. She then replied " I dont really know how much space I need, I'm just going with the flow " and I was honestly shocked behind my head because that's not the answer I was hoping for. I was hoping to hear since she told me that she wants this to work, she would give me a specific answer and not an " I dont know, I'm just going with the flow " Right now, I don't really know what to feel about this. If there is something to be hoping for even if she said last night that she wanted to work things between us. Judging on how our conversation transpired, her words didn't match her actions. Is that red flag enough or its still too early to say? My dad even told me to just move on even if she said those things last night, that I would just make myself suffer if I continue to hang on to this because even I can see the picture clearly but kept denying it. I think you don't have to answer anymore of my questions on my previous update, I think it's kinda clear to me as of the moment. I was planning to try to ask her out this weekend but I don't think its best right now to even ask her to out -- not after how she still talks to me the same way she has been even when we last saw each other personally. Any thoughts, Kay C?

Hi @kayc we've talked last night and everything went great. I will be sharing with you the things she said to me and what I've said back to her -- and also I'm going to be asking some questions regarding the story I will be telling. So here's what happened : She told me last night that " I just want to say thank you because even though you cant understand me or even that you're not in my situation, I know that you know this is hard for me. From day 1 you've been very supportive even tho I have hurt you. It was never my intention to hurt you. I guess Im just so unfamiliar with what's going on around me, even I don't know what I should do. Thank you for giving me the space I needed. I mean I still feel lost, sometimes my chest feels easy but most of the time it still feel heavy. " I told her " Hey, you dont have to worry if you've hurt me because I understand now the reason why that happened and I have accepted it -- even the both of us didnt want this to happen. You're welcome. I just want to give you your wish because you're right in the way that you're the only one who can help yourself and I respect that. " She then said " I just feel like somehow I'm being unfair to you. I dont know why I feel like that. I feel so selfish because you should not even experience this. " And I told her " I cant blame you if youre feeling that way but I understand that you can't really give your best right now and I accept that. I chose to be with you from the very start and I know the possibilities on what could happen but I went with it anyway. Don't be too hard on yourself" She then said " I know. But I cant help it. " Then I told her " Hey, I want you to know that I will never be mad for what happened to us even if we became a mess at some point. " She then replied with this emoji 🥺 and she said " I want to make this work but I also want to take things slow " And I replied with " I'm down with that. Lets discuss that. What do you mean by taking things slow? So Im also aware. " She then replied with " I guess we could start taking things day by day? " I replied with " Okay. What else is in your mind by taking things slow? " and she said that she cant think of anything else at the moment and asked me if I have somehting in mind. I told her that " I want to set a boundary because I feel like the reason we became a mess before is due to the lack of boundaries. " Then she asked me " Okay, what are the boundaries? " I told her " The boundary on my mind is to still give you the space that you need " and I asked her if she has any boundary to set and she said that she doesnt have anything in the moment but will tell me if she can think of something. After that I ended our conversation and said my good night. The questions I want to ask you are : 1. What is your interpretation when she said " I guess we could start taking things day by day? " ? 2. Since we've agreed to start working out the relationship again, does this mean she's ready to see me or even talk to me on a regular/daily basis? 3. Should have I said that I want to indicate the PRIORITIES instead of BOUNDARIES? ( cause I feel like I created a barrier between us that instead of maybe talking regularly, it would be limited only to a number of days because I set a boundary on giving her more space. ) 4. What are the advice you could give me on our situation right now & the mistakes I need to avoid? Please feel free to share your thoughts on the conversation we had -- I want to hear on what you have to say. Thank you, Kay C!