CommanderCody

Hi, @kayc I just want to give you another update : She messaged me right now -- she said " hey, if you're free tomorright night can we talk? " and of course I said yes. But I don't really know what she's gonna be telling me.

Hi @kayc, I just want to give you an update : We talked last thursday ( there was a huge storm that hit our country ) she messaged me just to say that " hope you and your family are safe! " and I replied after 9 hours. She replied back within an hour and we talked for a while but I talked to her in an uninterested way but she kept telling me stories about how she almost lost her father's pendant and stuff like that but I didn't really entertain her stories and I think that she felt that I'm no longer interested or trying to move on... Right now, its been 4 days since we last talked and I don't know if she will be hitting me up again due to that how I talked to her the last time we had a conversation. She still views my instagram stories though so I guess I could say that she still wants to know what's happening in my day?

Hi @ipswitch, Thank you for those words. Right now I'm slowly starting to accept the fact that this is something I have to live with -- that the memories we once shared are now the thing of the past. I know to myself that this situation of hers is something that I cannot control and I just should let life handle it. It sucks on some point because I thought I was going to be the person who she'll be crying all her problems with but it didn't turn out to be the way that I expected. The pain is still there in my heart and I have to accept the reality that things will never go back to the way they were before she was grieving. From time to time I still tear up whenever I get to think about how happy we are for a moment in time. But I understand her reason for breaking up with me -- that it was in her best interest so that she wouldn't want to be selfish to me also. On the first few weeks when we broke up I tried to force an outcome by expecting that if I do some effort to make her happy, it will somehow help in her grieving process and start talking to me in a way on how we were talking before but obviously it didn't work. As of the moment we haven't talked for 4 days now and I'm getting used to the reality that sooner or later we won't be talking anymore for a long period of time. I'm moving on aswell and making myself busy and trying to improve myself -- showing her on social media how happy I am even without her. I hate that we're in this position right now because we both didn't deserved this -- I still continue to pray for her and wish her well that may she be able to cope up with her own personal problems even without me by her side.

Thanks, Kay C. Wish me luck in my healing process. Will surely update you in the future!

Thanks, Kay C. Right now I'm considering on not talking to her for a while even if she reaches out to me. I'm not sure if I should let her know that I want to move on from this and not talk to her anytime soon or just ignore her messages etc. One of the best things that we were doing when we were a couple or even after we broke up was that we are open in communicating each other's feelings. We want to let the other person know how we feel. I feel like she deserve that I should let her know that I won't be replying to her message or basically talk to her so she won't feel offended or hurt in thinking that I'm ignoring her -- or should I just completely shut her out?

Honestly this is what I am preferring also. Can I blame her for breaking up with me during her toughest moments? I try to deny to myself that she did it with a reason and out of love because she don't want to be selfish to me and I understand that ( this is the slightest reason that I still cling on to ) -- and also that someday she might come back but I honestly know for a fact that things won't go back to the way they were IF we ever get back together. I'm not even sure if I should check up on her sometimes but if ever I will be doing that, the reason would be that I just want her to know that I'm still here if she needs a shoulder to cry on. Is this the wrong mindset to have especially since I've burst into tears yesterday that I thought that I won't be doing anymore cause I'm slowly moving on but it's clear to me that there's still pain inside me. I wish you a speedy recovery on your surgery! I hope I could talk to you soon again.

Update : she messaged me as of the moment just asking how i am

Hi, Kay C, I just want to vent out my feelings right now. I'm really sad at the moment due to that we haven't spoken for 4 days now and I haven't even seen any updates from her on her instagram stories but she tweeted the other day about a song saying " like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down " and when I searched the meaning for the tweet I found out that it's something about someone who's needing in comfort but I'm not exactly sure if I should give her a message then because I don't want to disrupt the space that I'm giving her. Fast forwarding to yesterday, I was feeling down the whole time that I can't avoid not thinking about Alek, my girlfriend. The saddest thing about it is when you're heartbroken, I can't avoid reminiscing on the good times we both had and that had hurt me -- I can't even close my eyes properly without thinking about us before. I even talked to my dad last night saying how sad I am feeling and wanting to message her but I know that it would be a bad move and my dad agrees. As of right now at 9:50 am, I have cried more than I have cried in the past couple of weeks. I cried today like how I cried the day after we broke up -- I was bursting into tears. I'm feeling empty right now, got all these thoughts about worrying if she's going to text me again, if we're going to be talking again or even see each other again. I even got to the point today that I kneeled down in the church praying for my feelings and how hard it is for the both of us and how I'm really feeling sad. I still prayed for her and hoping that she's doing well. I'm trying to divert my attention by doing the things that I do but I can't get her out of my mind.

Thanks, Kay C. I'll keep you posted in the following days. Hopefully she would message me and we could talk sooner or later.

I'll take note of that. Thank you for your advice, Kay C. Is it okay if I keep updating you on this forum?

Is it normal that I don't feel any sad emotions whenever we talk to each other? Like I can talk to her casually and fun at the same time but I don't feel anything that could trigger my emotions like " when are we going back together? " when can i see you again? " I'm keeping it cool as I am avoiding her to feel that I'm longing to see her. Also I'm really filtering my words before I say it to her so that I wouldn't say something that could make our situation awkward ( like mentioning something about the past ) or make her annoyed at me. So far at the moment we're having a good conversation and before I end our conversation I would say to her " Hey, if you need anything, let me know, I'm here to listen. Good night! " Is what I'm doing okay?

Update : she's ranting her family problems right now at me and I'm doing my best to show support and listen to her rants.

I just want to ask, what does it mean if she still reaches out even if I don't make the first move into interacting with her? Or I don't have to give it any meaning?

Thank you for this, Kay C. I appreciate the warm welcome. I guess it's clear to me now that the only thing I can do now is move on with my life, if it's meant to be, maybe we'll find our way back but if it's not then this is something I'm gonna charge to experience. I'm not going to bother her again as to respecting her wishes on her space, but if she reaches out to me then I'll entertain her for a bit but that's about it. I was planning to ask her out this week but I can see clearly now that it's going to be a bad move.

This is what I was believing the first few days after her dad passed away, that she won't cut me off because if there's someone who she'll want to lean her thoughts and emotions on, it's got to be me. But how wrong was I that even I, her partner, would cut me off through her grieving process. I won't get angry with her for doing that cause I know for a fact she's doing her best to cope up with herself even if she's gonna do this alone or with her friends.

@kaycHi, Kay C, I really appreciate your thoughts on my situation. Just like what you said, it is very much unlikely that this situation of us will turn around and be just like what we used to be before her dad passed away and I agree with that. I just feel really sad at times thinking that even tho she's grieving right now, we could have avoided breaking up if it wasn't for me expressing my feelings and talking about our relationship -- my emotions got the best of me and that put us here in the first place. Right now the only thing that I can really do is to respect her wishes and give her the space she wants and let her reach out to me whenever she wants and that hurts on my side but it's something that I have to accept. I'm trying my best to be optimistic on our situation but also I'm preparing myself for the worst because this is something I can't control, this is her journey she needs to face alone. Last night we talked on messenger, we caught up with each other and she told me she's still on her vacation but I didn't ask who's she with because I didn't want to look like I'm worrying or look needy. I always acknowledge her for reaching out and told her last night " It was good to hear from you! Be safe always! Good night. " I really want to ask her out if she wants to do something but I know that it's a wrong move -- that I should let her ask me to meet up because I know that time she's ready for us to see each other again.

@KieronHello Kieron, I appreciate your reply. Unfortunately we're not on LDR -- we still saw each other every week even after we broke up. It was really difficult for me to understand her during those times and that led to me doing things that would even damage our relationship even more. And you're right about the last sentence, right now the best thing that I could do is to give her the space that she fully needs even if that means if we're not going to talking everyday anymore. I don't even know if she'll talk to me in the following weeks or even think about me but one thing im certain of this time is to focus on myself and move on.

Me and my girlfriend began the relationship last July 2020 and it ended on September 2020. When her dad passed away last august 2020 our relationship pretty much went downhill since then. She really got depressed on the loss of her father and I can't blame her for that. There were a lot of up and downs in our relationship before we even broke up. We broke up due to the reason that I became insecure because Im not really sure if she still has feelings for me because she was depressed and she doesn't say I love you back and didn't even greet me happy 2nd monthsary. So we broke up because I became insecure and told me that she doesnt want the pressure of a relationship right now and doesnt want to be selfish to me -- but the following day we talked about it and decided to work out the relationship but the thing is if we're going to try to work it out it's going to be a " no labels no promises " type of thing and because I don't want to lose her, I agreed to that. We talked everyday and once a week saw each other for a month, and at the same time I was hoping that I could see some progress about her mental state. On the 3rd week since we decided to work out the relationship, I thought she was getting back on track because I could see the enthusiasm on her replies, how fast she replies and so on. But the only problem is that when we're together, we didn't have that same energy like we used to, we would have close ended conversation personally and it's really not what how we talked to each other before her dad passed away. On the 4th week, pretty much went downhill again. Her texts takes 4-5 hrs before she replies and she'll reply in an uninterested way and I'm thinking to myself like " what just happened?" because last week things were going good between us in chat. So I confronted her again ( my mistake in this is that I didn't show enough compassion but rather we talked in an argumentative way ) expressed my feelings I even told her that there's too many red flags in the relationship I just chose to ignore it and it led us to her wanting more space so I gave it to her. The problem with us during that time was that we couldn't understand each other -- I really tried to understand and show empathy but for some reason I don't know how to understand her because I was never in her position and I told her that. She even ended up showing a tear because I can't really understand her, she kept saying to me that " I thought you understand me but it's clear that you don't " And also she told me that I'm expecting something from her and I told her she's right. I was just expecting that she could talk to me in a proper way cause the way she replied to me that time was really uninterested on her part. We gave each other space for 12 hours to breath then we talked. She said her part and I said mine and we both apologized to each other and my apologies came from 2 things : 1. For not validating her feelings especially last night the way we talked to each other 2. For expecting that she could talk to me in a way that I had imagined I even told her that we don't have to talk everyday and we could catch up whenever we want and feel to. I did this because in this way it would be much easier for me not to expect that she could talk to me in a more proper way. So we gave each other space and we didnt talk for mostly that whole week ( Oct 18 - 25) and the following week ( Oct 25 - Nov 1 ) we talked for 2 days straight and her replies are getting good again. But right now she deactivated her facebook account and only left messenger and currently we're not talking as I'm also giving the respect of her wish about space. We're on our way into becoming a toxic relationship due to stress, overly thinking, and the emotions were just too sad. It was a good thing that we both got some space because I got to think clearly. I do want to try and be there for her but at the same time I know this is going to be hard and I don't even deserve to be in this spot. We would talk on a regular basis just to say how are you and I try my best to make the conversation casual yet fun and it worked so far last week. Right now, November 3, 2020 -- we havent talked too much in the last 5 days. I messaged her last Sunday just to say that I was happy to see that she had a relaxing weekend with her family cos I saw her instagram story and we had a really small talk and she didn't reply to me but the following hours I saw her instagram story again and she posted this image and I was thinking to myself that maybe the reason she didn't reply to me is that wants more space now. I hope somebody could reply to me cause this is the first time I was in a relationship and the first time I handled this type of situation on a girlfriend. I know I messed up a lot, there's much more details I didn't tell here. Thank you for those who are gonna reply.