selena1988

On 11/30/2020 at 10:27 PM, selena1988 said:

Hi there, 

I've been reading on this board for a few months after my brother, however, as (probably) expected, no situation is very similar to mine. I'll try to explain my situation, and hope that some of you can chip in with advice.

This posts concerns my boyfriend that unfortunately lost his beautiful mother way too soon.

I find myself asking how should I care for him? Should I avoid all practical discussions for the next couple of weeks, months, how long? 

 

Edited for privacy reasons.

 

I made an edited version instead. 

Kayc, thanks for your  spot on response  as always. Your kind words and care for everyone on this board truly is amazing.

I know  you come from a good place, but can you please remove the link to the previous thread? My ex has it and I don't want him to see my new posts on here. So I prefer these posts to not be linked. 

Hi everyone, 

Not sure if anyone here remembers me from last year. I believe that my last post was related to me meeting up with my (now) ex-boyfriend in late January. 

Now, looking back, I understand that there were many signs of what was coming, I just forced myself to be patient and understanding, but even if you love someone so much, you have a limit. Me meeting up with my ex again made me indeed realize that he changed as a person.

Although I was the one who pulled the plug, I'd say it was kind of a mutual decision. I felt bad for doing that, but if this time in my life did teach me anything it must be that you can't grow a healthy relationship with anyone if they're not happy. I'm not saying we should be at the top of our game all the time, but I truly feel there is a difference between how I handled my grief and my ex ended his. Three months in I still think about the what ifs, but I also understand why I'm better off without him, and I'm kind of okay with that. 

At times I feel a physical loss might have been easier to accept, because I believe some parts of me will always grieve the pieces he left behind. All the promises, the beliefs, the values I thought we shared, they were only there during our good times.

Time and time again after the break up he has portrayed nasty nabits, however I decided to keep him around. Well, not anymore. I wanted a friendship with him, but I realize that every time he lets me down, even as a friend, I feel disappointed. 

The only good thing about keeping him around for so long is that I've seen enough to not feel too bad about it. 

To quote my coach "Believe someone when they show you who they are." 

My thoughts go out to everyone who feels hurt because their support wasn't appreciated. Their love wasn't recognized the way it should. Their hopes were smashed. It's heartbreaking. I always used to believe in the saying "if you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. " In my opinion true, but only to some extent. In the end, the one at their worst need to try to heal so everyone around them don't bleed. 

In the next couple of days I'll stop using my Norwegian number anymore. That's the end of his chapter and the beginning of mine.

Nothing hurts more than being in a place where one's not appreciated. Where one's care is considered a burden. If that's how they feel, give them what they want. 

Like I told my friend the other day "Why prioritize soneone in my life when they clearly don't appreciate it?" Even as a friend. It's not like I lack anything in that departement. 

Getting back on the dating scene has made me understood that no one is unique, and there are people who want things to work. 

What hurts the most is that I really gave him my all. It will take some time to be able to give all that to someone else, but I know I'll get there one day soon.

Edited for privacy concerns 

On 12/29/2020 at 7:54 PM, MartyT said:

Such an interesting question!

It turns out that others have written about this phenomenon, and you may find these perspectives helpful:

Guilty Money: The Guilt of Inherited Wealth

How to Overcome Inheritor's Guilt

The emotional struggle of receiving an inheritance

Thank you so much for sharing these resources, Marty. I'll definetely take a closer look at them. 

On 12/30/2020 at 4:44 PM, kayc said:

Selena,

I've been reading your posts in the other section and appreciate you and your wisdom.  There's no doubt in my mind that you are very capable.  

Why do you think your brother left the $?  That your mom wants to share some of it with you tells me she doesn't have need of it.  Honestly, I think your idea about what to do with it is wonderful.  It was your adoption that gave you your brother, so to speak, so I think donating some to them is apropos.  

Thank you, Marty, for sharing these articles, they're keepers!

Hi kayc

Thank you so much for your beautiful and thought of response as always. I really appreciate your kind words and faith in my decision. Also, I really admire the effort you put into responding to everyone here.😻

Sorry for the bit of a delayed response on my end. I've been taking some time offline to focus on my family, my boyfriend and just enjoying the holidays. 

I've had some good discussions with my boyfriend about this topic, and for now I've decided to invest the amount. I need some perspective to be sure of my decisions and there's no rush to spend anything. If anything, the lump sum I can donate will be even more down the line.

5 minutes ago, BaxterBurg said:

Yeah thats true. Its for the best that I NC. And I kind of figured that she just didnt want to keep saying no to me, it probably worsened her guilt especially since I was good to her.

Thanks for all your help Selena!! Seriously appreciate it. Happy new year! And i'll update here if anything changes in the future.

Proud of you. I know this must be very difficult for you. Would love to hear how things pan out for you.

Wish you too a happy new year, must 2021 be filled with love, hope, and new beginnings.

Maybe, in a weird way, this was the final push you needed to break free. 

Take care 🌸

2 minutes ago, BaxterBurg said:

hmm I understand what you're saying; and can understand from her perspective as well. With the movie, I told her it was just a no strings attatched friend thing, and I joked about it a little. I understand how that may be uncomfortable for her, but it was very lighthearted and the least she could have said was "no, i dont think im comfortable with that". I would have understood.

 I was veyr passive during the call and i said that i respect her perpective. All good there. I think she is getting frustrated that I can't seem to understand why she does things, or what she says. I will take your advise and just NC. I remembered I can't block her, but i might just private the posts and keep posting my usual stuff.

Also, one more thing to note, she never asked me for space. She said us being friends is fine, hence why I asked her to watch the movie still. I thought us just hanging out while she's going through her grief would be fun for us. 

 

Thanks again Selena, your insights are pefect.

Thanks for making that clear, that changes the context a little bit. If you do decide to send her a "clean slate" message, maybe add this part to it. Sum it up the way you did to me, I think she would appreciate that. Then follow up on your plan.

As much as we want to remain friends with our exes, it's very difficult, especially straight of the bat. Although you may not intend to put any pressure on her, she can still feel that's the case. That's the problem; feelings are too raw. 

It sounds like the movie night was a miscommunication. I can totally understand why you feel hurt, and although this doesn't exuce her behaviour, I have a feeling she may not want to turn you down more than she already did. 

30 minutes ago, BaxterBurg said:

Yeah you're 100% right, i ended up calling her to ask her when they would be here, and then I asked her about the meeting. She said I was putting her in an "uncomfortable position" and she did say thatshe felt like she did explain everything to me already. I said no, there's still uncertainty about everything, and i just wanted closure. She got very annoyed, but hasn't given me any answers. I told my mom what she said and she for the first tiem got very upset with her. I said that we already agreed to do this meetup after our last talk. She said theres no need for an in-person meeting because there's no rush and I canjust message her or call her whenever. We will also just see eachother in school (which, keep in mind, is like 7 months from now, if fall term is even in person lol) I just said okay.

Doesn't seem like she wants to confront this situation, and is just pulling me along. I'm going to go no contact with her. How shes been reacting to me is really making realize she not the person I want to be with. And if shes so mad with me, why can't she just say that we have no future? Why can't she just msg me and say "no" about the movie? Oh well, I feel like I lost my feelings for her now. Time to move on. Its for the best that I did this, at least it won't be so hard anymore. Posting your reply on my blog.

Youre right though, I should have just left it as is. But I don't agree at all with how shes dealing with this, neither does anyone else. Not someone I want to go through a tough situation with.

It would have been 3-4 months by that date, but i get what youre saying. This call probably ruined it though. 

And in my blog posts i said that its just up to her to mke the relationship work if she wants to, and that I wasn't expecting the relationship to work out; so i don't think its that. 

I'm so sorry to hear about the latest development. I understand that you feel she hasn't provided you the ending/closure you needed, but here's the thing; more often than not, that's unfortunately the case. 

In your opinion, her saying she suddenly lost feelings doesn't make sense, while for her, that's the reality and her telling you that was her way of providing you closure.

You have every right to feel betrayed and hurt, but unfortunately, you won't get the closure you need from her. Sometimes we need to find the closure within ourselves. 

When she doesn't respond about meeting up, it means she's not ready yet. Like I mentioned in my previous post, time is the best healing, and you need to allow her and yourself time to heal. 

Going no contact for some time is probably best, both to heal and gain new perspective. 

I understand that losing your first love, the one you thought was the one, for no fault of yours, is very painful. Her avoiding you probably adds to that feeling. 

Let her be for some time. Keep talking with people you trust, update this topic, but I advice that you stop posting about the relationship on your blog, alternatively block her from reading.  Her reading your blog about the break up is an one sided experience, and if anything, I believe she'll feel that you push her even further away. You look at things from your perspective, she has her own. Although you may feel that your posts are open-minded or informative, chances are, she feels it's another way of trying to convince her. 

As much as I understand your situation, let me try to put myself in her shoes for a minute. If I told someone I would meet him months down the lane, I would probably feel uncomfortable if I felt he wanted me to commit to a date before I was ready. 

She's confused and while I can understand why her not responding hurts, it's likely that she can't process the idea of a meeting right now. I have a feeling that she feels the blog posts, combined with your requests, probably are overwhelming to deal with.

If I was in your shoes, I would have texted her: "Sorry if you feel I got a bit emotional and demanding during our call. This relationship meant a great deal to me, sometimes my emotions may run wild. I apologize and promise to honor your request for space to an even larger extent from now on." 

That way you acknowledge her feelings, and that this conversation wasn't great, however, that's all you should do. As you said, she's not dealing well with the situation at all, and although she could feel uncomfortable, responding to someone is a general courtsey. 

Sending you a big hug! Hang in there💗💗💗

40 minutes ago, BaxterBurg said:

Hello Selena, 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read/reply.

Thi is something I think about all the time, and you are right. I did everything I could to slavage the relationship, and it seemed like she just didn't have the energy or want to save it. I feel as though if we did get back together, she woud need to do a lot on her end for it to work. I should say that I have a blog which she reads frequently. I left two blog posts with tons of information regarding grief and break ups, as well as personal grief resources from Marty. I also showed her tons of screenshots from this forum, and she looked at around 20 posts. It seems that she is trying to understand her feelings more, and I think if it did happen again, it would be different. However, it would always be in the back of my mind. I even told her this in my blog posts, I said that if she wants this to work she would have to prove to me that I can trust her again.

 

This is a really good point. I bascially already experienced it for a month without her telling me why we had distance. It was worse than what I'm feeling now; never have I felt so lonely in my entire life. I was extremely unhappy, and i kept it in for an entire month; I was actually relevied originally when we broke up. I have to keep this in mind. You're right.

 

This is true, and something I have recognized. Its kind of what I meant by "feeling" like there's barriers to reconiciling. We would both know thatwe could never go back to how it was, esecially since she is still greiving. 

Yeah this is true. To be honest, me and my mom have been talking a lot, and just from my own experience with her, she seems to be easily emotionally overloaded. I think it will take a significant amount of time before she is able to be in a relationship again. 

 

I hope my posts are helping her ralize this sooner. To me, she does just seem like a young woman who is getting her first dose of the adult world. She never had to deal with anything really before, and within a month all this s*** was just sprung on her. She seemed very broken by it, and I can't date someone who is broken. You're right. 

 

You're right again. I will do my best to focus on my own progression. I might have to cut contact with her for a while though, which means losing my friend group too. I feel like a friendship is too much, and even just seeing her name in class hurt me for some reason. I do think in time she will realize that thiswas not the right course of action. I won't wait for it though, if someone else comes along I have course won't hesitate to make it work with them. I still want to keep the door open for her though, I might just tell her that I need some time alone, but my the door for reconciiaion is open for her when shes ready; i just cant promise ill be there when she is.

 

Ill update here what her response is to our dicussion meet up. I have a feeling she will be uncomfortable with it, as she was with my movie propisition. I hope she is able to use the resources I gave her.

I'll keep this in mind. I know all too well that you can't force someone to love you, its how i felt that one month. On my blog I bascially told her that ive done everything I could at this point, and its up to her to make things work if she still wants the relationship.

 

This is a great post Selena, and very well written. It for sure helps.

I'm so happy to hear that it helped, Baxter.💗

To be honest, she said she doesn't have feelings and although her perspective is a little lost, I still feel that you posting on your blog, sending her messages, trying to convince her, isn't the way to go. In fact, I have a feeling that the more you do this, the further she pushes her away. 

Let's turn the tables; in her opinion, she shared her true feelings (she's not in love with you anymore), and you keep on asking her to meet up, try to show her how her judgement is clouded... if she has no feelings left, this behaviour will probably annoy her. For her, it may feel like you don't accept her decision. 

Meeting with her before she gets time to heal will probably cause more harm than good. If she really is the one for you, you giving her space for a few months won't change that fact.

Take a step, back. Think. How would you advice Cody in this situation? Most of the things you shared with him also applies for you I feel. 

A lot of people feel that giving their ex space is the worst thing you can do, however, it's actually the opposite. We all want to be the captain of our own lives and that part comes from inner motivation. For her to be able to miss you, you need to leave completely. 

My coach once told me this and it's so true: "If it costs you peace, it's too expensive. " 

Test test 

Hi Baxter, 

Please forgive if I lost out on any details, however I feel that this topic helped me understand the big lines.

First of all, let me start by saying that I'm truly sorry for your situation. Going through a heartbreak is never easy, and speaking from my experience- I know that the first love leaves a long lasting impression.

As I've mentioned to several people, I feel you deserve better than this. Of course losing a loved one is difficult, and we can't blame people for reacting to such a difficult situation, however, I do feel that we can expect them to treat us with respect. 

In terms of your ex-girlfriend, it's difficult to tell whether she truly lost feelings for YOU or whether it's the grief that's made her uncertain. Given we only hear one side of the story on this board, I always try my best to not assume what the other person may think/feel, because a) I don't know them and b) I truly believe in the fact that although we can't control external factors, we can control our reaction to them.

Let's say it's her lack of coping that made her think she lost feelings, does that change things for you? Practically speaking, no, she'd still ask for space, and you'd still be left hurting. 

Given my age (32), I've had my fair share of relationships,I even left my ex-husband. Trust me when I say: in 99% of the cases it's about more than the situation, it's about how we deal with it. As I told, Cody, let's say that you and this girl reconcile down the track; how can you trust that she'll deal with another tragedy better later on in life?

As much as you and Cody want your exes back and fix things with them, please keep in mind that the relationship didn't work for a reason. It's easy to think that "once she's done grieving, we can get back on track ", but to be honest: in a way, you're lucky. You now know that when push comes to shove she may not be able to be there for you, and is that a quality you want and/or need in a future wife?

I feel that first and foremost you need to accept that her relationship with you is over. You'll never get your old relationship back, if you want to build something new with her, that's on new terms. Regardless of whether you're going to get over with her or try to get back on track, remember; this relationship is dead. You need to grieve it, and work on getting yourself in another mindset to be able to gain some perspective. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, yet I do feel the need to be honest, and I feel you're not there yet. I doubt you'll be there in a month too.

Look, if this girl really is your future wife, you need to allow yourself anf her time to heal. The sad reality is; right now she's not in any position to give you what you need. Stability,communication and commitment are all important factors in any healthy relationship. 

In my opinion, she's not mature enough to get there in the span of weeks/few months. She needs to get herself right, and maybe then understand that letting her boyfriend go just like that was a result of something else. 

In psychology we seperate between inner and outer motivation. Your conversation, you trying to get back with her, can perhaps motivate her from an outside perspective, however, if you two are going to make it work, you need to allow her to find her inner motivation. She needs to change her attachment style, her way of communication and similar concepts, however these things doesn't happen over night. 

Please don't wait for her to sort herself out (if she ever does). Move on with your life, your studies, and start understanding what you can provide and what you need from a partner. 

The painful reality is, very few of us end up marrying our first love, but we grow, and we learn from our past "mistakes." Please know that love is out there and love will find you. 

A few hours ago I read this quote on Instagram and it feels right to share it with you and @CommanderCody;

"Are you fighting for love, or are you fighting for them to love you." 

I instantly thought of Cody, and now you too. It may seem similar, but to be honest, in my opinion, it makes all the difference. 

45 minutes ago, BaxterBurg said:

Hi Salena, you both seem to be handeling it well, or at least a lot better tha many on this forum. Ive been thinking about your situation and your words here for some time, and its made me think. Do you think this wouldbe the case in my situation too? We're both young and she never lost anyone before on top of lots of other stress (its bad). She said she lost feelings for me after her family member declined in health, and broke things off affter weeks of coldnes towards me. She said she felt very conflicted about the deicsion but didnt feel right about stringing me along. Do you think if she really loved me she would have tried to hold onto me through this, no matter what? Or did she do everything right?

Hi Baxter,

Thank you so much for your kind words. No people or relationships are similar, so it's difficult to predict whether we're doing better- that said I'm proud of myself and him both for maintaining an open and clear line of communication.

Good to hear from you. I've been reading your posts here, and in your own thread. Just wanted to make sure I'm up to speed on the latest development, but thought I'd respond to you in that topic. A lot of details to skim through.

Just an idea that hit me, if you and/or @CommanderCodyfeels it would help, I'd love to ask my boyfriend to provide some input for you. I have a feeling that he might find these threads a bit long, however, if anyone of you want the input from someone who's mourning a loss, feel free to DM me with a summary of the situation and/or any questions. 

I can't promise that he'll respond or respond right away, but I'll ask for input. So again, if a male/mourning perspective may help, feel free to DM me.

On 12/28/2020 at 6:15 AM, CommanderCody said:

But she doesn't have it in her... I can't and shouldn't expect anything from her especially that having a relationship isn't her priority right now and that she'll try to make the relationship work again... Not like when we broke up last September, she did try her best to make us work but not this time... Maybe when we had space for a month we got used to the feeling that we're not communicating daily and that we both realized sooner or later we won't be talking at all... atleast that's what I feel of. I guess the reason I'm still having a hard time moving on is because of the memories that was left of us. No matter how many months have passed, every detail is still fresh in my mind and heart that's why it hurts a little.

I kindly disagree with you there. If someone is in a relationship, they can't just leave things hanging the way Alek did.

Look, the reason why I've been offline for a couple of weeks is because my boyfriend and I hit a rough patch in our relationship. 

First he told me that he needed some time to progress our relationship the way we wanted - which is fair. He's not himself fully right now, and although there were a few minor details I wished he approached differently, I'd still say he's doing a damn good job.

1) He wanted to discuss options with me, even when I wanted to call things off in the heat of the moment. 

2) He listened to my input and my needs, and he said something super important: "You need to be happy too. You can't sacrifice your own happiness for me." Now, we both have some space to focus on getting back on track the next months and we both support each other fully. 

3) He always said "I need to get back to a new normal, and I want you to be a part of the new normal. 

4) He realized that I also needed some perspective and together we drew a time line for engagement and so on that we both feel comfortable with. 

5) He still wants to progress bits and pieces of our relationship meanwhile, such as introduction to each others parents etc.

As you probably can imagine this is very private and I only share this with you to show you the difference. My boyfriend was heartbroken and totally lost a few weeks ago, and truth be told, he's still not doing very well. Regardless, he keeps me and my happiness a priority too. He's also open and honest because he wants us to work in the long run. 

If they want you around, they won't let you go. If something affects the relationship, they'll do their best to soften the blow. 

5 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I kept telling myself that It's not about me having expectations that led us to this point, it's about what I deserve. And I know I am right. Maybe the reason I'm acting like this at the moment is because that I'm unsure of what the future holds for the both of us and that scares me. Just like when we broke up, I tried my best to save the relationship because I was scared of losing her. I'll admit I'm not scared of losing her now as much as I was 3 months ago but I'm afraid if we'll ever keep in touch again. And yes, I know that I should focus on myself and think less if we'll be talking again. I've given my worries to the Lord's hands as he will be the one to set the course for the both of us -- but even though I've placed my worries into him, I still can't stop worrying inside my head. 

Of course. Getting over someone is difficult and will take time. Most relationship experts recommend people that are dealing with a break up to go no contact and focus on themselves. Make sure you're the best version of yourself. 

If you were to divide your life into three categories; health, wealth and relationships, what needs work? 

Mental health/getting in shape? A promotion at work/put more effort into studies? Find a new hobby? Expand your friend's circle? 

By finding new goals your energy will automatically start to shift. 

14 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Hi, I know it has only been 2 days but I'm really feeling sad right now. I can't stop thinking about Alek and the way I ignored her. The past few days I've been meditating a lot trying to get my focus and tell myself that what I did, by ignoring her, was the right thing to do. But somehow, I can't get her out of my head. I've been keeping myself occupied -- going to the gym, doing school works, practicing guitar, etc... but my thoughts keep coming back to her. I feel bad that I ignored her like that because I was kinda pissed ( which is true ) that she messaged me after 9 days and that didn't give me no other choice but to ignore her. I felt like I should have given her a heads up that I'm choosing to move forward with my life right now. Everyday that passes by I know my heart heals slowly but it gets harder by the fact that I'm realizing we're not talking anymore and that she's consistently on my head now. I guess this is the hardest part about withdrawals... 

I know I don't owe her anything but why do I feel somehow bad that despite all her personal problems right now, I chose to walk away when all she wants right now is someone who would listen to her; to rant her problems at.  I know that she's the only one who can save herself and I know that I chose to walk away for my own good, for my own healing and for my good benefit. But I felt like if she needed someone to cry a shoulder to, maybe I could be that someone and I threw it out when I decided to move on. There's a part of me wanting to message her, ask her how she has been doing, and there is another part of me, the majority part, telling me to just continue the no contact, let it go and move on.

I can't avoid thinking that she felt I'm still expecting something from her or from this working out the relationship that's why when she messaged me after 9 days, I didn't respond to her because I was disappointed or that she didn't meet my expectations... 

I feel like I'm repeating myself, please forgive me if I do, however I don't think that anything you said/did would change the outcome. She still wouldn't put in effort or communicate properly. Any healthy relationship need those qualities to progress. 

10 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Am i wrong for having to be disappointed or have atleast a little bit of expectations? I've tried my best into minimizing expectations or have no expectations at all because she never wants expectations right now, it seems like a pressure to her. And when I expected that she wont take it for more than a week before talking to me ( but she actually did ) a part of me got disappointed. Did I self sabotage working out the relationship by expectating ( again ) ? 

I'm sorry if I come across a bit harsh, but kayc is absolutely right; right now your behaviour is not constructive. I acknowledge that this might not be what you want to hear, but you can't control external factors, the only thing you can control is your reaction to them.

We can keep on running in circles, however it doesn't change the fact that your ex remains your ex. Nothing that KayC or I say will change her behaviour. She is who she is, and she wants someone who wants to comfort her without providing anything in return -  those are the hard facts. 

I definitely feel that you should be able to have expectations in any functioning relationship, so no - it's not wrong to feel that way. What I feel is less constructive is to wish for your ex to be this and that. She has clearly shown and communicated her stance, now you need to act accordingly.

Moving on is hard. Moving on from your first love is even harder. We've all been there and I know that me saying "time heal all wounds" and "you'll end up stronger" might not help. 

The best thing you can do is to accept that you will hurt for some time. You will miss what was (and wasn't) meant to be. You'll want the happy ending that didn't happen. As you say, you may even want her to be a different version of herself. 

Unfortunately, she is who she is. Rather than killing yourself over what didn't happen, or what in your head could have happened, try to focus on the situation at hand. Focus on you and your healing process. After all, that's the only thing you can impact.

11 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

To avoid confusion, I want you to understand that when we broke up last September and agreed to work out the relationship the following day, she already asked me for space then. But the thing is, we would still talk on a daily basis from Sep 15 - Oct 18, saying good morning's and good night's, just like what we were doing when we're still a couple. The problem is that I don't know when to give her the space she wants if we are continuing talking regularly and when we got into an argument last Oct 18 that resulted her wanting even more space, that's when we stopped talking on a daily basis, no more good morning's or good night's. That's the time I know when to give her the space she needs since we're not talking on a daily basis. 

 

She has mentioned this to me back October when we gave each other space for 1 month ( but she would reach out first and we would talk atleast once or twice a week ) from Oct 18 - Nov 17. The only difference is that she never said that " please know that I need you " she said something close to " I'm really struggling right now, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, but the only way I know how to cope is to cope it by myself " 

 

1. I know that I can't save her. She also knows that she is the only one who can save herself and I respected that when we took space for a month last October. When we agreed to work out the relationship again last November, I was slightly hoping to see that she's really into making this work. She tried when we went out last time. You could read my story on page 3 I think about when we went to the mall. 

2. Me too. I just find it so funny because before when we were just courting each other, she told me that she feels sorry for me for all the pain I've been through the past and my efforts were not acknowledge by the previous girls I've dated. I BELIEVED when she told me that she won't do those things to me. When we talked last month about working out the relationship, she said to me that she's appreciative of me for the support I've been giving her even she had hurt me. It was never her intention to hurt me. You could read that on page 2 or 3 I think. 

3. Yeah, I'd rather be with someone also who's willing to go through thick and thin with me. I'm just really surprised that she had to cut me off, but that decision of hers to cut me off was a hard decision for her. I saw it when we talked about it via video call. She was crying. If I only knew the right words to say at that time maybe we could have avoided not breaking up.

Even if she did take her space in those 9 days, isn't it enough that she communicated it with me back October 18 when we've decided to give each other space? I'm just thinking that she's really busy or thinking too much about her personal problems that she doesn't have time to talk to me. Yes, we stopped saying good morning to each other back when we gave each other space for a month last Oct 18. We would usually start our conversations since then in a " Hey, how are you?" Yes, I agree with you on that. I've been on the receiving end of that where in there was a time where I would only talk to someone when it's convenient for me. I guess it came back to bite me in the ass.

 

True that. When we went out last time, the following day I cried because it hurts me knowing that we weren't that couple that we used to be before. We went out just as casual friends without any close intimate gestures with each other ( for example : holding hands ) and I think that's just what she wants as of the moment. 

 

5 days of no contact and 14 days of literally without a casual conversation with each other. I think I need to continue this now and I can feel it that I'm healing one day at a time. 

Thank you for providing additional details - that's helpful. That said, I feel my point still remains; she needs to save herself (and part of that is to get better at communicating). Communicating that you have a difficult time and need space is not the way to build a future with someone. It's basically her molding her own recovery/future without including you in it.

Again, all people are different, but I just want to share my boyfriend's approach (just to illustrate the difference): As I've mentioned he's in his country of origin at the time being, and has stayed there since his mother's passing. He told me that going back to the States will probably trigger it's own set of emotions, and I wanted to show that I respect if he needed a few days alone upon arrival, however, his immediate response was; I'd love to have you around during my time of need. He was very honest about how he knows he'll react in some way, and I really appreciate that. I'd love to be there for him, but more importantly, I love that although he struggles, he allows me to be there for him. That's the kind of husband I want, and down the line, the kind of life partner you deserve as well.

As many people have pointed out previously, I don't think you should kill yourself over "perhaps saying the wrong thing." 

Look, I probably say "wrong" things to my boyfriend all the time, but as he says, at the end of the day it's the commitment, it's me caring, that matters. To be blunt, this is about her, not you. Even if you could have worded yourself differently, that doesn't mean that you're wrong. You did your best given the amount of information you had at the time. That's all you can do. Neither can you be so worried about saying the wrong things to scare her way. A relationship is not the place you feel like walking on egg shells.

By all means, I'm sure she's a great girl given your care for her, but she definitely has some work to put in to be able to work in a long term relationship.

You're ready, committed and willing, she's just not there, and as you said, it's better to find out now than five months down the track. I'm sure you'll make one lucky girl very happy one day, just remember, there are two people in a relationship, and although you want to give up everything for someone, it's not healthy or in any way attractive. Spend this time on your passions and increase your own value in your own mind. You're wayyy more amazing than you feel right now.

10 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I have just finished watching a TED Talk about How to fix a broken heart by Guy Winch. He did mention that people who are going through heart breaks are similar to those addicts that stopped using drugs. I've realized I'm going through a withdrawal and every time I keep in touch with her or check her social media, I just feed my mind the " drug " it needs. He also stated that it can be difficult on avoiding not to reminisce on the good memories but we need to balance it out -- we also need to remind ourselves why we're not good for them, their bad qualities, the fights or bad arguments, anything that can help us to see why the breakup is a blessing in disguise. 

There are a lot he said but these are the ones that really got stuck on my mind. 

Thanks for mentioning this, I'd love to check it out, given that I'm fascinated by how heartache can overwhelm us.

I can very much relate to what you're describing. The only way to get the addiction under control is to refrain from anything that triggers it for some time.

If I can suggest something, it would be to check out Love Advice TV on YouTube. I really love their advice on how to move on.

Wish you all the best in your recovery.💞

7 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

1. Yes. But I can't blame her that she can't treat me right right now because she is emotionally unavailable. 

2. Of course. Even before the pre-grief stage, we both discussed that we want our relationship to be a long-term relationship. Funny how it turned out. 

3. Yeah... I know she's trying her best and I appreciate her for trying but unfortunately I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship... I don't even know why is there a part of me that's slightly holding on...

It would probably leave me as that same " fool " guy who chose to give many chances but can't choose himself. I don't want to be that guy...

Whenever I talk to myself about this situation, I would always say that " bro it's better you found about this early rather than going 2-3 years or more deep in the relationship then finding out how she responds to crisis in her life. That would've hurt more. " I really see this a blessing but just can't slightly accept the fact that it had to happen... 

 

I would convince myself that maybe she's just busy at her new job or she has been thinking too much about the problems in her personal life that's why she doesn't have time for me and since I know that fixing the relationship isn't the main priority right now, I have to understand why she hasn't reached out yet. But then again, if she does wants to fix the relationship, I would somehow feel it... but in those 9 days that we haven't talked ,I didn't feel anything emotionally towards the relationship except that I missed her. I just did what would any person who is grieving would do, try to move on. And once she did reach out after 9 days, it then hit me that she will be only talking to me when it's convenient for her. It sucks it had to be that way. 

 

 

Yeah, that what's exactly going to happen if I tolerate that attitude. As much as I love her, I can't allow someone to treat me as an option. I know my worth and what I can offer to the table but allowing someone to go and come back whenever they want isn't one of them. But what if the time we didn't talk for 9 days was just her wanting her space? would it make a difference?

 

Yesterday when me and my family drove by to the places where Alek and I had our first date and when we ate dinner the last time we saw each other, I didn't hold back my tears. The sentimental value on those places are just too heavy for me. After a while, I looked myself up in the mirror and I said  " hey im proud of you for overcoming your fears. I know you've been avoiding going back here but I'm proud for the courage you had to do so. " 

I know what I have to do, my eyes are wide open, but something is holding me back.  My father told me to let go the hope of the relationship going back to once it was and he is right. I know to continue this would put me in a disadvantage, not just emotionally but as a whole person. And I should respect myself enough to not let that happen. I just want to ask, how can we both keep our friendship intact if I decide to move on? or should I let life handle it? 

1. In my opinion, mourning/depression, is not an exuce to treat people poorly, especially not your loved ones. Does that mean that she can't have an off day or off moments? Of course not. What it means though, is that although she has her bad days, she doesn't checked out completely. Imagine if you had a family with her, would it be okay for her to neglect her kids too?

3. I'm sorry, but to me it doesn't sound like she's trying. If she at least said: "You know what, I'm really struggling right now, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, but please know that I need you", or any kind of acknowledgement, that would be trying. She's just silent and distant, and that's not how you treat someone you want to build a future with. I understand that she's overwhelmed, but in that case, she needs to ask for support. My boyfriend and I saw a therapist together, and he was as open to the idea that I was. My point is; it's okay to not know how to handle things, but it's not okay to neglect someone for months. 

Maybe you should ask yourself, why are you that guy right now? Why do you feel that you should put up with her behaviour? I had an ex-boyfriend who turned hot and cold too. It was an emotional turmoil and I stayed way longer than I should have. I used to make up all these exuces for him; "he's just not emotionally available", "he's struggling right now" and "I'm sure if I only provide him more space.

It took me months in therapy to realize this; 

1. Life is tough, and we're all responsible for the decisions we make. As much as you want to be there for someone, you can't save them. That's their job.

2. I'm a good person and I deserve a good partner that builds a future WITH me, rather than his future. I deserve someone who gives me time and attention and who makes me feel safe. Sure, there will be times when all of us are less emotionally available, however, that doesn't make it allright to check out of the relationship. 

3. I need someone who can be there for me through everything. That's why the wedding wovs are the way they are; thick/thin  // sickness/in health. To quote my boyfriend: my value as a boyfriend, a finance and a husband is linked to how I support you during your darkest times. I'd like to add: also how he allows me to support him. 

Even if someone needs space, they need to communicate that. And sorry, but no text for nine days? Not even a good morning? I understand that hardcore relationship talk is difficult (although my boyfriend and I still have those conversations too), but light-headed, easy conversations? I definetely feel that if she wanted you badly in her life she wouldn't go nine days without communicating with you.

I think that if you two are going to have any chances of getting back together or even being friends down the line, you need to work on yourself first. You need to figure out your priorities, your value, and get over the mourning of what was. Only then you can start communicating on new terms with a fresh mindset.

Remaining friends with an ex is always hard, especially initially. It will slow down the recovery process, because it's likely that some feelings will keep on lingering.

If you’re meant to be friends, you can pick up that thread down the line. However, for the time being, I feel you make justice to both her and yourself by letting yourself heal first. 

38 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

Can we really say that she did ignore me for those 9 days that we didn't talk to each other? Because Ive been told that each grievers have a different way of coping up and it really depends on how they feel. Im just thinking what if she just didnt feel talking to me in those 9 days? Is that a valid question?

In my opinion also, I still should be giving her space until now whether she asks for it or not. That's why I have said if she wants to change things, she could say so. If she doesnt want space now, she could say so. But she didnt say anything about what she wants. That's why Im still giving her space and why Im not reaching out to her. But when she did reached out to me after 9 days, I thought to myself that maybe that's enough because that's a long period of time of not talking to each other when we both have decided to work things out. 

Can I hear your opinion about this?

And I also want to add : 

when we have decided last month to work out the relationship again, I have told her that we should focus on our priorities right now and she agreed. Now Im just thinking, is there any reason for me not to be disappointed if she didnt reach out to me for 9 days when I am the one who had said that we should focus on our priorities? 

I feel that Kay C has provided some sound advice and perspective on the grieving process. Personally, I try to refrain from judging others, because

a) You can't control external factors (i.e Alek) 

and 

b) You need to listen to your gut feeling 

I feel that a lot of your thoughts and reactions are based on what you THINK Alek may or may not feel, and there's very less focus on how you feel. 

So far I have gathered this much; 

1. You feel she's not treating you right 

2) You want to be with someone you can be with long-terms

3) Her actions doesn't give you a lot of confidence about the future prospects with her

Let me ask you this: let's say she reaches out. You respond, you two start talking again, then she disappears again- will that leave you in a different spot down the line? 

Look, I understand that she's your first love, and that first love is always difficult to get over. That said, they're often first loves for a reason; we learn, we grow, we build. 

Honestly speaking, I feel it's not constructive to answer "would she feel this, could she think like that. " She might or she might not. At the end of the day, the only person who can provide these answers is Alek, and she has decided not to. That leaves you with basically no other choice than using your own feelings to navigate. Not to sound like a broken record, but if she cared, she wouldn't leave you hanging. She wouldn't stop talking with you for nine full days. I'm sorry, I know that's painful to hear, and not what you want to hear, but that's my honest opinion. 

As my dad once wisely said; you can always make exuces for someone, but at some point you need to ask yourself; should you have to? 

Sure, she's going through a tough time, and I feel for her, but truthfully, as much as her mourning makes everything difficult, so does her communication style and attachment style. I recommend that you read up on assertive communication and attachment styles. These patterns are difficult to change, and the way she reacts, makes me doubt her ability to handle crisis in general. 

Again, this is not me judging HER, but looking at her traits and reaction patterns. I still feel that giving her the silent treatment is the best thing to. If you start communicating again you basically show her two things. 1: She can handle you however she wants. 2: There’s no need for her to communicate well, because once she starts communicating anything, you'll welcome her with open arms.

That said, the decision is yours. You need to decide what matters for you and act accordingly. No one of us can tell you how to decide on that, that's a decision you need to make on your own. 

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

I feel she needs to hear something from me that I have decided to move on. As much as I wanted to ignore her just like that, I know an explanation would at least be the proper way to do it ( in my opinion ). Just like when she was asking for space few months back, she would tell me -- not suddenly disappearing, so that I wouldnt think or worry too much as why she is not responding or talking to me. I think she will understand if I try to explain it to her, but there's a part of me that's saying that my explanation would turn on me and I will be looking the bad guy here.

But then again, I know I don't owe her anything. My actions says it out loud. 

The reason Ive decided to move on now is because when she didnt talk to me for 9 days from Dec 1 - Dec 10, thats when I realized she will only talk to me when its convenient for her. I cant continue working out the relationship if its going to be like this. Its going to be difficult. If she or you're wondering " why wont you reach out first?" well Im still respecting her wish as to giving her space. If she wants to change that, she can say so.

 

I'm sorry, I didn't catch the part about her 'ignoring' you. 

In your post you said she told you she needed space in September, but she clearly didn't do that this time around. Her actions speaks louder than words. 

She doesn't want a relationship like everyone and you say, she wants a backup plan. 

Honestly, I feel this clarification changed my opinion; I feel you shouldn't respond or reach out to her. 

9 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

As much as I wanted to do this, telling her that I need to move on and heal myself right now so that she would understand better and not think that I'm purposely ignoring her, but isn't ignoring her enough to let her feel that I'm moving on in my life? 

 

This is what @kaychas told me about that I don't really need to explain myself as it would just open to a discussion. 

But I want you to read this paragraph that I've posted on page 4 -- this is about the time back September when I ignored her for 3 days

" Is it really okay that I didn't discuss with her that I would be choosing myself now and move on? Cause I feel like she needs to hear that from me since we both agreed to work out the relationship again last month. When we broke up last September and agreed to work out the relationship the following day, on the same week I didn't talk to her for 3 days for a specific reason and she messaged me saying that she thought we both agreed to work out the relationship and that she wants a reply so atleast she knows where she stands. And of course I replied and we both talked about it. I said to her " I've thought about it and I do want to work this relationship out. " She then said " If you wanted space, you could have just said so. It would have hurt less " That's why I feel like she needs to hear it from me this time -- not suddenly disappear. "

most of the people I've consulted with -- my father, my bestfriend, my aunt, and Kay C, have all said that I dont have to tell her that. Ignoring her and making her feel I'm moving in is enough for her to feel that I'm moving forward. 

In my opinion, there's no right or wrong here, I'd encoruage you to do what you feel comfortable with. 

I agree with Kay C ,I definetely don't feel like you owe her any explanation, and as we all agree; this is ultimately Aleks' decision. 

That said, if you feel like a final text will help you feel comfortable, listen to your gut feeling. Just be aware as we all point out, it can lead to a discussion and create more guilt.

Again, we can only provide our input, you know her the best. If you feel she would accept a text like that without arguing, perhaps it's worth it. On the other hand, if she turns it into a guilt trip, maybe not. 

I definetely think ignoring her will send the right message, and I agree with everyone that you’ve done more than enough. However, if you feel guilty every time she reaches out, and you feel this is something that will stick,then maybe a short explanation will help.

2 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

You're very right. I know Ive said this a lot but I really do have to accept that it's time to move on whether I like it or not. Regardless if she wants to try to work out the relationship -- even though there's nothing much for me if I stick around...

I will keep you posted in the future about my progress or if anything else happens! Thank you very much, Kay C. 

I understand that cutting ties is difficult. There's a reason why relationship counselors compare it to "letting go of a drug addiction."

I feel that both your father and your friend have provided sound advice. For the time being, I feel "time heals all wounds" is the motto to live by. Every time you respond to Alek or her family, you prolong the pain. 

Perhaps sending her a carefully drafted e-mail is the way to go. I just ask myself whether it's worth it. Most likely it may lead to some sort of discussion from her end, and do you need that right now?

If I were in your shoes I'd probably send her something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I'm going through a difficult time and need some space to focus on my own well-being. I appreciate everything she taught me and the moments we shared. I wish her and her family all the best moving forward. " 

If she cares, she'll understand where your coming from. As Kay Ce rightly said; she knows how to look after herself. Now you need to do the same.

20 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Hi @selena1988, I'm happy to hear from you again.

First of all, I extend my condolences to your boyfriend's mother. 

How I wish my ex acted the same way how your boyfriend is acting right now, that he needed you the most in his time of grief and not cut you out of it. When we started the relationship last July, the both of us even talked about how we are going to be on the same page ( we didn't talk about grief or  how we are going to handle through tough times ) and until the end of that conversation we agreed to everything we have said to each other. I believed in everything she said to me. That's why I when her father died, I know that she would be going through a lot and I need to be there for her but I was in total shock that she's slowly losing in the relationship then. I tried to fix that and force an outcome but it got even worse. 

I know she's a mature person, I saw and felt  it even before she was grieving. At first I can't really understand why she had to cut me off in her time of grief -- until I found this site and I realized that I wasn't alone in this situation. I still continued to show her support even though we had broken up because I know both of us doesn't deserve to be in this spot. She thanks me from time to time, acknowledging the support I've been giving her even though she had hurt me. 

Yes, you are right about this. We haven't spoken for 7 days now and I'm not exactly sure why she hasn't reached out to me. I haven't done anything wrong the past days nor last week when we went out -- she even thanked me the following day for listening to her rants. Me and her brother have been playing Call of Duty for the past 2 days and it's such a hard feeling on my chest whenever I would get to hear her voice in the background. That's why I'm now considering on making up an excuse as to not play with her brother anymore, or at least for now. 

I'm not even sure when are we going to be talking to each other again or IF we are going to be talking to each other again. I don't want to reach out first because I've done so much to try to work this relationship out with her and the only thing she can do to let me feel that she's still into this is just initiating conversation with me. 

The only thing that I can do right now is move forward and be grateful for all the lessons she had taught me. It was not easy to handle a grieving person but I'm thankful for the experience because now I know I just moved a level higher in my life now. 

I'm so sorry to hear that it came to this, but also happy to hear that you're looking at it as an experience. Unfortunately, during our lives we meet people that we love, but the timing is off. 

I read this quote in another post here; You need to meet people where they are, but sometimes you gotta leave them there. 

People may have the best intentions, but sometimes they don't have the experience and/or emotional tools to work towards the outcome they want.

Thank you so much for your kind words and condolences. I'm incredibly proud of my boyfriend, and today he left me a voice mail telling me how happy our conversation made him. That made my day. I feel really grateful that he's such a great communicator, and I can only imagine how hard it must be when your partner shuts down completely.💕