Ztyu123

Please 😭😭😞😢😢

I am not "okay" and I never was I never will be

It takes everything that I am now to suppress or mask the crying... Nothing.

I still have everything that you've touched and that has touched you... Excluding myself. You held and had me You took me with you....

I think about you all the time, and cry daily most, if not all of the day still. The pain never fades or goes away.

Someone said your name.. Suddenly, I wasn't the last or first person to acknowledge your existence. I'm a victim of absence. Besides me.. To my mind ..to my memories..to my heart..to the open air..to the unknown.. Over and over again daily. I'm tired of this forever. I disintegrated.. I melted..

Every thing hurts now.

Year 1 mark or Talley officially today. Spent the last 2 days plus today crying all day or trying not to but failing miserably..like I do daily. Pretended that you were crying with the rain alongside me.. Then I felt terrible and guilty for thinking those things.. I want you happy...if you still exist.. Even if I'm not.

A few more days untill the year mark. Not an anniversary... there's no cause for celebration. Don't know how I'll get through.. I don't get through life anymore without you... Life just runs continuously And life is just continuously sucked out of me... I try to move with the motions and distractions...but I always get left behind... Because I'm emotional.. Still wishing you were here... And still crying or trying not to but failing miserably everyday... Gosh...I really wish you were here a last time... So I could know... That you've continued ... And that you're happy.. Thoughts from an unrealistic and unreasonably stubborn heart and mind realistically speaking and rambling

I miss my baby Soo much. I cry all the time still I still avoid society .. I hate that I have to tell people of what I presume is absence. I wonder if she knows I wonder if she misses me I wonder if she remembers me I wonder if she forgives me Just want to know if she still is... And... If she's happy

Next month will be a year.. I am still Soo very heartbroken I cry and try to not cry (but fail) everyday.. I feel like a glass house, begging for a natural disaster, a large boulder, anything to be demolished once and for all. I wish this was all a cruel joke that I could just dismiss the prankster..

I wish that I could have...... Held you more.... Spent time with you more..... Kissed you more.... Told you that I love you more... Showed you that I loved you more.... Talked to you more.... Listened to you more.... Saw you more... Spoke to you more... Spent more time with you outdoors more... Let you sleep with me more.... Cuddled with you more ... Fed you better.. Loved you better... Shown you better.... I regret..... Not protecting you more.... Not having a better environment for you... All the times I didn't have time for you... All the times I lost patience.. All the times you wanted more of me and I was too sick..... I couldn't make your life any better... If I made it any worse or worse.... That they you weren't loved and seen for who and what you truly were.... That I'm selfish..was and is.. That I don't know the proper pronouns, grammar, and punctuation to identify you and your state now.... That you were enslaved..... That you were discriminated against... All the times I or someone else got your hopes up, only to disappoint you .... I couldn't have cured your depression.... All of your unhappiness and pain ... All the broken promises.... All the unspoken and unshown I love yous.... That I get to stare at your empty bed now... That I get to sniff and try to preserve your scent on toys, bedding, linen now... That you're not here ... That I can't find you... That I don't get to know if you're okay and happy now .. That I don't get to know if we'll ever be reunited again.. That I don't get to know if you still love me or if you ever did... That I don't know if you know how truly sorry I am.... That I get to spend the rest of my life living with you only in my heart and memories .. That all there is now are only metaphoricals, not literals.. That these wishes will never gain action... That these regrets won't be given optimism

It all hurts like hell. It is an iced cold hell with no remorse All of it The breathing The hiding still The tears The waking up The absence The silence The numbness The pretending. The scheduled crying that falls off schedule every time I'm empty I'm broken I'm all alone I'm desperate I'm still trying to bargain and barter With the unknown.. For time with you. It took everything of value to me, Therefore it will never answer me I have nothing now, it took everything it wanted. It's understandable why it wanted you .. You are You we@e You're still Amazing and the closest that I've ever been to what some call heaven. Excuses me and made for me If I've offended .. I don't know and want to know the proper pronouns for whatever something reduced, accented, or obliterated you To now. I wish that we could have joint custody. Year 1 is coming up really soon. Day 1 of never is every second of every day Today on a forum I had to protect the pain. The thing that was gifted to both of us because we somehow deserved it. All of it. There was someone who inboxed me and basically called me a scam artist, and a plagiarist. Asked me if it's all "legit". Asked me if I'm "seriously" Depressed. Questioned and invalidating it at the end. . Seriously?! I wish I was a mentally ill scammer off of her meds vividly reproducing day and night terrors constantly and consistently .... A determined person with Cipa that spends every waking moment inventing new ways to possibly feel. To end the curse. To laugh and scoff at their "Nevers". To bask in the pleasure, freedom and delight of finally feeling. To be angred, agitated, slighted, and offended to learn that a thought of lifetime of guaranteed pain would be in reality that fleeting moment. To be a scammer of myself who could be cured by taking the meds.... To be a "Dorothy" waking up in Kansas... To know that it was all a dream Would be wonderful... But it wasn't... But this pain isn't a lifetimes work and pay off of many trials and errors... This pain comes freely . Ask my smudged notepads from my leaking pens, and my blood and inked stained fingers... Ask the water in my words . Ask them what they've seen..

I guess your existence was another part of my purgatory and punishment. I've had a terrible life since birth or before. I was born to suffer, I've been suffering 42 years, day of conception, past birth, currently, and probably forever. To send you to me and to make you suffer, and end your suffering in such cruelties ripping us apart probably forever... Is torture.... Is hell... Is an abomination... Is war.... Is because of me... This is what happens when I love. This is all my fault.. I'm sorry... I'm Soo sorry... Every single day 24/7 I think of you I cry I hide I hope To Disappear soon. This is torture and hell I'm sorry It's all my fault

I'm sorry J I'm sooo sorry Everyday is like three sets of day ones. The first set , when I watched you wither away and your health slowly but rapidly and drastically declining for about 2 months....making promises to you that everything would be okay.. scrambling to fulfill and eventually failing. The second set ... The day of... The still scrambling and failing The third set. Full of memories, promises, and empty beds. Each night waiting for you to come up the steps with the toy of your choice that night ..that accompanied you to bed. Every night. Every day.. Theres just darkness, Numbness, tears, and A broken heart A broken place I can't even see this too well to write it out... My eyes are flooded with water My hands are full of blood

You're in everything that I see, But you are no longer visible... And that's what kills me everyday. I am murdered by blindness.

I don't know why we had to d together. When I would have given up my life just so that you can live. You are my soulmate. Is this how we've spent all of our previous lives together.. Chasing after one another Without finishing the race together. I am absolutely nothing without you. Please come and get me.. Send me your location or a proper one So that we can meet up. So that I can know that you're okay. Only meeting through tears, and memories isn't enough. Meet me on heartbreak Avenue You're worth breaking for All eternity

I just want to know Why was she taken? Why couldn't I save her? Why couldn't she be saved? Where is she? Is she okay? Does she remember? Does she love me? Does she forgive me? Does she know that I tried soo very very hard :(? Does she know that I love her? Did she forget me? What is she doing without me? Life stopped without her. Am I the monster that she had to be saved from? Is she in witness protection because shes afraid of me, is that why I cant know her whereabouts so that I can join her?? When will she and I be reunited?? Will we ever be reunited, or did I loose her ...forever this time?

Did you know this? That right after you disappeared I: Thought about seeing you.. staying with you for a bit...but decided not to because it hurt too much, because you may not have wanted me there or to be seen soo unexposed.... I felt unwanted. I felt ashamed I felt guilty I felt like a pos. That I was knew that I was the last one in your vision...that the sound of my feet walking away from you was probably the last thing you heard.. That I impatiently waited for your dad angrily..as he came an hour or less away after you disappeared.. That I watched you disappear for months and on that day no matter how I begged all day he wouldn't come. That I went in another room and picked out a focal point and stared... That I had my back towards you, while you stared straight ahead... That I had to step over who you were into a new reality while i was made to retrieve cleaning supplies.. That your blood stained my shoes. That after they deserted you some place I stood on the sticky bloody floor staring... Then I took a mop trying to erase the past. That i picked up the last remeberence of your body functioning, and thought long about keeping it to try and function. .. That I picked up your untouched food and tossed the whole container in the trash, that I took alot of you and started stuffing it in a garbage bag.. That I thought about making one a body bag so we'd match. Took everything I had off including shoes and tossed it. . Trying to toss her in there with you so you'd feel safe. Got angry with myself and brought everything back in. Except for me. Except for her. Went into our room pulled out a phone, searched for every forum ..to be a part..To talk because nobody ever talks to me.. Listened as my family went behind closed doors and opened up doors of denial and ignorance. They whispered I screamed softly. They went around stroking their own egos saying things only found in a new timezone.. How we mustn't tell her How she was just old, not sick How they did everything possible How she must throw out "that stuff" How u should ask her about a "new "one" Tomorrow. I lay down Swatting the hands of reality Away from the heart. Tomorrow, the next day, the next season, the next holiday, the next year all arrive. But I never came.

....and I Hate it All. The thriving. . Everything getting a chance to thrive... But you... Only Thrive In My memories, In my Tears

If love could have saved you...would you have lived forever? Tell me a bedtime story about what our forever would have looked like.. While the whiff of the blanket holds your breath. While I cry underneath the blankets. Realizing this is our forever now. Ps. I wish that I could have saved you.. One tomorrow at a time. Missing you is excruciating. Loving you (is/w@s) Incredible.

I do not belong here. I was put here. Everyday is terrible Everyday I cry Every night i weep Endlessly. Pstd random flashbacks. Sleeping most of the time. Avoiding society the best and as often as possible still not careful enough.. I get caught. They ask of you, not about you. They hear it. They see it. The croak The shakiness The raspiness The heart racing The heart dropping They pretend to care They don't stay They dont witness the further breakdown and breach of sanity when behind closed doors. They dont witness tears trying to turn into blood Everyday and night i wish upon everything that I've been left with (The guilt, the anger, the desperation, the hurt, the pain, the tears, the remorse, the silence, the loneliness, my bleeding heart) To the Universe For it to spare a little ..give a little For it to allow me to genuinely know that you're happy, healthy, loved, cared for, and okay now... Wherever Whenever You are now. It gives nothing but torture. Maybe I'm undeserving... Maybe I didn't love you enough Maybe I'm the monster and it's protecting you. After all...I've been left in this cruel state of existence and in this world. Still waiting on that invitation to join you. Weather is changing. Winter is being ambushed, strangled, held hostage.. it still. hangs in an unequivocal balance. Still fighting. I'd rather it'd be Winter all of the time. Everything fighting and clinging onto survival and each other. Accepting it's fate to be still as possible hoping not to break. Its existence. Everything beautifully still. Everything questioning it's survival. Unsure of its revival It's almost summer. I strongly on the verge of hate Thriving

Everyday is April fool's day. The joke's always on me. The insomnia.... The sleepless nights.... The wishing... The praying.... The bargaining.... The endless tears... The silence.... The loneliness... The heartbreak.... The desperation... The separation... The promises... The emptiness... The identity loss... The constant flashbacks... The ptsd... The distance... The demotivation... The numbness.. The depression.. The outbursts of tears and anxiety whenever your name is mentioned.. The avoiding.... The lack of understanding... The loss... The lost... Watching and waiting for you to tell me how to join you..I would go in an instant if I had the directions.. The waking up to a nightmare instead of a dream. Today it should have only been a dream..Today was the day when it would have been acceptable for the Universe to reveal to me that it was all a bad dream and carried prank from last april 1st. I should have woken up to you here.. I don't want to be Here. The waking up. It fools me every day