Ztyu123

Nothing. Nobody Numb. Needing you Not anything It was to be just the two of us in the end 1234 am

Honestly I just want to wallow in misery because the road to your dea@# was mysterious, unannounced, and traumatic. I am in a shallow pool refusing to wade Honestly, I try to control my tears for a specific time at night because that is our private time where we can be alone, together once more. My tears often betray me. Spewing out during random times a day. I'm in quick sand flailing around, trying to sink in deeper quickly. Honestly, I miss you tremendously without all my bones, because you took the last thing that stabilizes the gravitational pull. Without you I'm just old moldy jello unable to wiggle. Honestly this is the worst pain that I've ever felt. .I've lost feeling since you've gone somewhere in some form Honestly I don't sleep much Honestly I I stay in bed 24/7 Honestly I get angry and feel betrayed when I can't cry or when I've stopped. I want it to last forever. Honestly I would go where you are in a heartbeat if I could Honestly just waiting on directions

Still cry everyday all day I changed your linens.... Still haven't been actively outside1st time since.... The world doesn't need any of us. The feeling beyond & behind the action is of disgust and betrayal. I don't know who, what, or why I am still anymore I cradled your linen, careful not to mix tears with the aroma of you. My tears already pungent. Lost, Lethargic, Numb, incapable of anything anymore. Your liens reek of life.I sleep all day, trying to slip into the role of nothingness..but this isn't a playI feel guilty for trying to restrict you through my mouth and nose. So I put you back..carefully. I'm alone...Brought 2 mattress protectors for your bed. Threw them in the trash. They looked like body bags. They're not protectors. You haven't been protected. The silence is defeating. Defiant. Deafening. Destructive.I put your favorite sheets on, your favorite blankets, your favorite pillow... All that's missing is My favorite girl. .I whisper to the trees, I whisper to the air, I whisper to the creators, I whisper to the sky, I whisper to the birds, I whisper to everything but the world how much I miss you dearly. The silence is deafening, but I still listen for you anyways. It humiliates me.This pain and love is forever. This pain and love is forever.

Still hurts and feels as if it were merely minutes after. Still hurts and feels as if it were day 1 Because every day The day, the flashbacks, the memories, Restart and the cycle repeats. Its will always be day one Because I loved you since the first day The first life That we met. I don't know where I'm going But I hope that we'll be together Again, forever this time.. Sooner then we both think or realize. Let's try this again as we have in previous lives.. Maybe we'll get it right. This time.

I miss you Too much to say Too much to every shout Or whisper to A vast majority of society They don't understand They don't care "Replacements" exist for Everything, they tell me. Including feelings and emotions Including time and history. They shout at me angrily, "She doesn't need to exist anymore, her existence was never real". I shout back at them The sound of my feet hurriedly, desperately, and furiously As I run Run into our room Collapse on your bed, Close my eyes Cuddle with your blanket. My heart whispering Pleading Sweating tears "When are you coming Back. For. Me"

Missing my baby soo much I cant shake it My soulmate is Somewhere Just not with me I still cry all day and all night long I quit other forms. They were soo insensitive. Trying to dictate and deadline my loss Telling me that it's been too long to be feeling whatever I feel Telling me that I shouldn't feel what I feel because I'm supposed to have this superiority complex and think that I'm better than all other beings of life because I'm this terrible creature called a human. I quit Society They told me that I don't have the right to feel what I feel Because apparently I can replace everything that she lost and everything that I lost. Apparently, there's replacements for everything I quit my family They don't care Never really did They ignore me and are dismissive of everything involving me...like They always talk amongst themselves about me, But never talk to me. They always are... Nothing new..nothing old. My heart is the only thing that Sees, hears, feels, everything, And has my permission To cave in To quit Quitting is nice

You are the heart & Soul of me. We are We "w" supposed to Be together forever Not like this Not in this way. It kills me

Just realized it will be a year sooner then I want.. I never wanted to be a day. A day without you was too long, A rest of life, is just too much. Everybody wants to silence you, By silencing me, or insinuating that I've been too talkative.. That I should be "over it" already. You were never a disease, illness, or sickness to recover from. You are the cure. Tears, streaming, and racing thoughts, Align with the rain. I hope that you're loved And/Or in a loving position Now. I think about you often and Non stop still. People say too often, But I say not often enough. If It were possible to think of you more, i would.. I hope you are okay. I miss you terribly & tremendously. With eyes that are numb & a heart that's forever broken, Our merge and ascension Will be soon. I can't live Without you. So, I'll always Carry you.

I don't need any help. Thank you for your concern.

The things about funerals, watching someone die, holding someone as they die, knowing someone will die soon, being diagnosed, etc... Those moments Those memories Override, intertwine, interlock, others It become their identity. It becomes an automatic It becomes associative When you think Of them It's all that I see I try hard To see you. So I laid on your bed Then I laid in the space, and between the space Of memories And tears. Very very Soon We will be together again Hopefully. I'm dying living And I'll living To dye Trying.

It's been a lifetime too long since I've held you in my arms. Since I haven't cried, since I could make sense out of what little I've had and that I was. It's been a lifetime too long ago that I could distinguish and reattach the parts . Now I've let them scatter everywhere. I hide in dark corners trying to be unreachable to man. To me. I feel nothing but everything. There's a longing and a hole that will never be filled again. No one Understand I don't have any thing to live again. I wrote out my letter... To end things. Please be there waiting for me. I don't care where, I'll be with you again Wherever or wherever U are now. Please.

I'm empty and numb these days. I hate that I'm not crying as much, I hate that tears can't or couldn't save you then or now. Life continues to make more of a destruction and a mockery out of me. It reminds me of the Sims 4 game, when you plead, cry, and beg the grim reaper in hopes of that life would be speared, and it doesn't happen. The grim reaper is just enthusiastically laughing at me with it's pal life. They try to out do one another. If I can't cry, don't think that I ever feel anything but love for you. The love is forever. It pains me that you're somewhere other than my arms. Another snow day & memory from Google ..a painful reminder. A painful reality. A painful unexplained truth.... you're "G" I wish that I could cry. I'm deeply hollow & Numb.

No matter what time I wake up or don't I call out your name verbally, non verbally, subconsciously, enthusiastically, skeptically, and optimistically waiting for you to reappear and reassure me that... We're not both sharing the same Nightmare. The silence & absence is too deafening Pinch me. Hold me tightly. Pull us out.

This is all for you. This is all to get close to you.. Perhaps, forever this time? Life is crueler without you. I miss you tremendously, Daughter.

I'm always dead now..

I hate it when I can't cry. I hate Being here without You. You were my only Reason for Living

I don't know whether to cry some more even though that's bound and guaranteed to happen, Or to burst into hysterics about the ironies, complexities, finality, the existentialisms and correlations between life and death. Goodbyes are complicated and complex, So are welcomes and salutations. We birth in the same breaths to welcome and say goodbye. In those same tears are both. Do tears know the distinctions between those joyous and desperate. Are tears tiny "swimmers" too, swimming to different paths that create life and death. We have a grasp and glimpse of who we are, and we get comfortable and render the search temporarily out of service. Then we lose all sense and it is all snatched away by losing a temple of peace housing the pieces of you. Some never resume the search again What I'm trying to say is: I hope the tears emerge I hope they merge Into a beautiful disastrous ticking time bomb You left. You took all the Peaces. I no longer have harmony, and equilibrium. The world holds no pieces

There will never be a positive moment in my life or after you again. This was/ is ur ending or beginning..idk This was Basically your last summer 2021. This is the story of u. I hate this story. 08/20 · Edited My baby died today, and it's all my family's fault. everybody didn't believe me and shunned me when I told them that she was deathly sick for weeks. They are acting like it was natural causes but it wasn't. For weeks I have been telling them that she was sick and she needed to go to the vet and they ignored me telling me that I'm not a doctor and that they were tired of me complaining about it. she died horrifically on my kitchen floor with blood and urine pouring out of her orifices. I am very angry. this could have been prevented, or at least she didn't have to suffer. now my family joking that its time to get a puppy now. Also they were saying that I need to get rid of her things soon. I posted on another forum on another site under a mental health thread anonymously and the people there were very insensitive. Saying disgusting and irrelevant things almost blaming me like how come I didn't take my baby to the vet, and I shouldn't be sad because I'm not the victim my baby is. Those things made me feel even more terribly than I did previously sorry for posting this many times but I need to..to cope... I let Jada down. I was a coward and couldn't even bring myself to hold her as she passed. I went in another room..I'm disgusting 08/22 Because of him and them...I have to walk into the room and on the space where she died multiple times a day. I will never forgive them I told them for weeks and begged him to take her to the vet ..even sent pictures to him and videos of her suffering and I was ignored. I even begged yesterday for him to do so, but he did not. All of my family members are disgusting because they said they understood him not wanting to take her to the vet because of him not wanting to pay a vet bill to have her die soon afterwards. I explained to them that regardless of if the prognosis was grim or not , she still should have had the one last visit to either cure her or end her suffering hopefully in a peaceful way. Maybe she could have been cured early on before it progressed. Yesterday I begged and pleaded to end her suffering. But he wouldn't do it. I tried calling mobile vets as I am homebound and no one would come out. I didnt even get to hold her as she was taking her final breaths. I was a coward and left her there to die alone, I didn't want to see her in such a condition. I failed her. I promised her that I would get her help. I'm disgusting. It should have been me. I am soo depressed. I wake up crying. I have flashbacks, I can't eat, I can't sleep willingly..my body just forces me too.. Her bed still remains untouched as she left it in the room that we shared..Despite my family talking amongst themselves about me needing to throw her things out. I had to get rid of the clothes that I was wearing down to my sneakers..I can never wear that again at all. I don't even want to clean or vaccum , as I dont want to erase her scent, presence, and remaining essence. I'm a mess. Seeing how people were insensitivity asking/almost blaming me for not taking her to the vet, has really messed me up as well. The self blame has amplified and synced with my DNA , and has become something I will never get rid of. I have to listen to them describe her death with insensitivity towards her, and me to others. How pitiful and sad she looked while suffering..the allowed suffering that they intentionally inflicted on her for weeks despite my advocacy for her. The words echo in my head about how I told her that I would get her help. I promised her that I would. Her last breaths and how she was gagging and coughing for air as she tried to make her way down my basement to go outside for a final time, but how she was only able to get to the top of the basement doorway before she collapsed on the floor dying haunts me as I have to cross that spot many times during the day still. The words and memories swivel around my head and heart like a true and sincere lover and friend romances. My thoughts are mostly focused on her. Apologising to her hoping that she'll hear some how. My days consist of me trying to dictate and put my tears on a strict regimen and schedule. I blame myself for everything, including not being strong enough to carry her down, or not be strong enough to hold her in my arms while dying. I anger at the fact that my family is seduced by lies, and spreading them around like a foreign contagious parasite. Calling it a "natural " death due to age. They can't even get her age correct and cemented in their brain. They left the mop and clothe that they used to clean away the blood, outside in my front yard, so there is no escape and breathable air outside. Her corpse wasn't even respected and dignified. They took it away to a unknown place and that was that. I know that the last time they saw her she was wheeled away someplace. That's all I know. I would have given her a proper burial. Coffin and all. Maybe in her favorite park if allowed..or somewhere where it the world's beauty was reflective and matched and mirrored her beauty. I wanted soo much more for her. I wanted her to be safe in life, and secure in her transition to the unknown. Now I pray and hope that she is safe and loved in death. It's been 18 days too long since you've gone. I barely sleep, I barely eat, I barely speak..when I do it's in an impatient , short fused voice...because I'm a reconstructed timebomb that keeps going off and reanimating itself. I've been held up in our room refusing to step outside. The 2 times that I've been outside were reminders of how cruel and insensitive society is. When I speak of you there's a crack or slither in my voice that serves as a breaking point, to a breakdown. When I speak of you they automatically tell me that I should get a "new" "one" and I'll be fine (whatever that is) as if you're replaceable. As if your life meant nothing. As if another lifeform can replicate your own personal breath of life and light. I don't know how to smile anymore, my face is now trained not to. I still have your bed in our room still trying to guard it with my life..They talk about just "needing" to toss them away in the rubbish. I don't need to. They do. I try to busy myself to keep from thinking about things, but my mind becomes busier with those thoughts. Two days ago, I met a friendly stray cat who had taken to me instantaneously. Fit right underneath my arms and loved being around me all of the time. Under what use to be "normal" circumstances I would have taken her in..but it's too soon. I would never have been able to love her as herself. I would never stop comparing and contrasting you and her. I have always believed in reincarnation, therefore I am unsure if it was you in your new lifeform, or her adjusting to her current one..Either way, I just can't accept it..So I gave you, her, or both of you collectively away. She occupies my thoughts as well. Yesterday since the family refused to take the bags of blood soaked rags and equally soaked mop with your blood out of my front yard like I've been asking them to since the day you left...I had to touch them. I had to smell them. I had to carry them to properly dispose of them. They continously let us down...I know you know how that is.

Tomorrow would (is) your birthday. I don't know how it works in a celestial or energetic realm or state that you may be in. You are 9 tomorrow. Only 9. I feel like you were cheated out of everything that you deserved. A good life, a good home, a longer life, more people to give a damn about you more than me. You came to me about a month after my bro moved in. You had been gone a year and somebody found you and contacted my brother saying that he better come and get you because of the state that you were in when they found you, severely bruised, battered, bloody, shaken, eye out of socket, frightened, untrustworthy of humans mess that if he hadn't come they would have unsympathetic ally put you to sleep because you wouldn't let anyone come close to u. My brother adopted you when u were a puppy (u were a rescued from trauma then too) he had u for a year but someone stole u away for about a year (probably was because of his irresponsibility because he never watched u properly and carefully while you were here either. I watched u and u were never left alone outside) He brought you here. I didn't even know that you existed. He snuck you in. I met you (again because we are constantly reincarnated..well that's my beliefs anyways) and it broke my heart to see you on medication, bruised, sleepy. You never fused or were mean. You just looked at me with curiosity. U were never frightened of me. . We bonded instantly. You were 3 when u came, 9 when "it" happened to you. I'm sorry. I did my best. It wasn't good enough. I'm sorry that I couldn't hold u or look at u in that state. I ran like the coward I am. I needed me to hold u. U left looking for me. I will never forget it. I'm sorry I'm a stupid disabled loser who couldn't save u or give u the life u deserved. U were stuck in the house most of the day because of me. I tried to make our walks last longer..I tried to last longer... Next post is the end of one era the beginning of another

Things I'll never get to say to you again personally, literally, physically and directly, because there's no concrete guarantee or evidence that you'll receive... "I love you." Things we'll never get to do together physically, literally, personally and directly ever again.. because there's no concrete guarantee or evidence that you'll receive... We'll never get to hold one another Things I regret saying: "I'll protect you no matter what." "I'll never let you be harmed again." "I'll always be there." "I promise." Why I regret saying these: I couldn't protect you.... I couldn't save you from harm... I can't be there anymore..if you feel I ever was...... We're apart.... It was broken... Things I want you to know always: "I love you." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm soo sorry." Things I hope that you don't know now if you're out there, here, or wherever in a form of peaceful and happy existence.. That I'm heartbroken.. Utterly, devastatingly, painfully, numbly, Broken.

Today as all days are now Was a terrible horrendous day. It was the first snowfall without you. Just last year, you were prancing around outside in your coat, enjoying the snow. Running around happy as can be. Never wanting to go back in. I can understand. It's very ominous.. You d in the same manner.. Trying to escape... Trying to see the world one last time.. I'm sorry I couldn't grant you that. I didn't even shovel this year. It hurts. It hurts terribly. I broke down further. Down the rabbit hole.. I hope I cant be found. The loss has completely Surfaced on my bones. I don't look the same I haven't laughed or smiled A genuine one. I reek of death And desperation A dangerous combo My body has been preparing to shut down. Food isn't appealing nor appetizing to me I have been just sleeping all day long. It's hard to wake up and stay awake, literally. I don't want to wake up. I lost you and Released you into the snow Today for a bit I hope the sleigh ride down my cheeks continuously Meant alot to you. I hope you had fun As you plopped in the snow Begging for more.. So I gave you more times.. Then we came inside And I released you some more On your bed ..that's still there. I feel like I need to tell the story of Your last days tomorrow . Again. It replays Endlessly and continously in my mind All day every day. I hope you forgive me

I accidentally squeaked one of your toys and got lost And excited Waiting for you to run and grab it from me, You always did when you heard temporarily forgetting I burst into tears And more scattered pieces waiting for you Remembering the unforgettable I was tossed back into reality by my heart. Your absence hurts.

This has been the worst year of my life... So far. As a mocking reminder A reminder to solidify That you're not That we're not Together Right now Currently I have to listen to the fireworks and be scared without you. There won't be any new picture of us tonight to bring in this new year We won't get to hold each other and fall asleep in each other's arms. My arms are just constantly empty I just don't care about much of anything anymore. I hate myself for wanting you here when you were soo sick. (I just wish that I could know that you were happy, loved, and okay now) I hate myself for not being able to save you. I hate myself for not being able to provide a better life for you I hate myself because I'm not with you now I hate it all Now I hope that you have someone and/or something to hold you tonight and further on. Since I can't anymore Since I cant anymore Since I can't anymore

It's the wee early hours of Christmas eve, precisely 3:30am And I'm sitting in the dark crying and having a meltdown again... That makes a total of 5 and counting today already... The cheer... The holiday spirit... The songs.... Everything is just too much... The song, "I'll be home for Christmas" Is the knife twisted in the heart. "If only in my dreams. "

I will never be the same. There will always be a larger hole in my heart that will never be filled. I'm empty and numb still I still cry and meltdown every single day multiple times a day and night on an endless rotation I feel guilty even mourning you or missing you .It feels wrong to do so. It feels selfish, and no matter how hard I try for it not to become and shift towards my own guilt and guilty conscience, and need to rewind time and stop it to a point where you were healthy, thriving, and hopefully happy, I can only imagine the amount of pain and confusion you were in during your last days. I wish that you weren't. I am missing you, The world is apocalyptic Breaths are full of radiation Without you. I still love you always, I hope that you knew/know that How much longer until I'm with you again?