Ztyu123

It's been 42 days. I use to micromanage the count. I don't know if I am counting up to meet you Or if I am really counting down to my ultimate breakdown and destruction.. All day I try to shy away from the light to think of you All evening I sit in our darkened room and think of you All night I sit in our darkened room in the silence and think of you. All I know is staring at walls now Staring at walls in empty rooms in an empty house that isn't home anymore. I barely eat, but I haven't eaten in 3 days, haven't had any water, I haven't brushed my teeth even though they're probably ridden with gingivitis, I still smell, I still haven't bathed, haven't done my hair, haven't done anything but cry and stare at walls. You are my everything. I lost it all. I lost life.

I need actual proof that my girl is okay, I can't take my dreams seriously because they may be stemming from guilt, not being able to say goodbye, blame, sadness, depression, etc... If I am thinking about her constantly and/or looking at pictures of her, and then at night I dream of her, I feel as though I conjured the memory up, not her actual self as she exists now. I need proof from a higher power, from the ultimate force or engeries that created everything. Physical proof.. I need something in my hand when I wake up or to find something that is out in the open for my eyes only that I've never seen nor owned before, seen in a dream with her in it, that would give me hope and belief. A dream that has her telling me that she's okay, isn't good enough for me. It probably only came on because I want her to be okay and happy. I would believe if I had actual physical long lasting proof. I don't believe in the ability to "will" or to demand that she come to me and if she came to me in a dream soon after that it would be real, nor real enough to be proof. She has to freely come to me..Sorry for all of the losees

Everything is terrible. Every day is worse than the previous. I cry, and have flashbacks all day every day. Wouldn't want you back if you are truly happy and without pain now. Wouldn't want you back just to watch you die again, or for you to watch me die and have to deal with life without me. I am the only one who cares. I'm scared that you may haunt me It's even scarier if you don't For the rest of my life. I love you Your absence is killing me.

It's been 37 days too long. Everyday is aggressively intensifying and mocking your absence. Each day is worse than the previous. Haven't been outside only to grab mail or packages Haven't showered or anything in this time Haven't brushed my teeth regularly Been wearing the same thing for weeks at a time. I don't smile. I barely talk. I barely eat. I barely sleep. I barely breathe. I barely care. Haven't moved your beds Haven't thrown out your toys or anything. They are in my pillowcases. I sniff them regularly. I carry one of your balls in my pocket daily. I sniff it constantly. It smells of you. Been careful with it to not squeeze it and emit the sound of it squeaking, as you will not come running for it. I try not to cry because you're in those tears and I never want to lose you again. Another night of fireworks with out you, and without being able to console each other. I stay in bed most days I am lost and gone forever. I am with you, but without you. I dont care about the stench. I reek of death. I reek of absence. I reek of loneliness. I reek of desperation. I reek of bargaining. I reek of selfishness. I reek of guilt. I reek of lost. I reek of numbness. I reek of blame I am far gone

08/20 · Edited My dog died today, and it's all my family's fault. everybody didn't believe me and shunned me when I told them that she was deathly sick for weeks. They are acting like it was natural causes but it wasn't. For weeks I have been telling them that she was sick and she needed to go to the vet and they ignored me telling me that I'm not a doctor and that they were tired of me complaining about it. she died horrifically on my kitchen floor with blood and urine pouring out of her orifices. I am very angry. this could have been prevented, or at least she didn't have to suffer. now my family joking that its time to get a puppy now. Also they were saying that I need to get rid of her things soon. I posted on another forum on another site under a mental health thread anonymously and the people there were very insensitive. Saying disgusting and irrelevant things almost blaming me like how come I didn't take my dog to the vet, and I shouldn't be sad because I'm not the victim my dog is. Those things made me feel even more terribly than I did previously sorry for posting this many times but I need to..to cope... I let Jada down. I was a coward and couldn't even bring myself to hold her as she passed. I went in another room..I'm disgusting 08/22 Because of him and them...I have to walk into the room and on the space where she died multiple times a day. I will never forgive them I told them for weeks and begged him to take her to the vet ..even sent pictures to him and videos of her suffering and I was ignored. I even begged yesterday for him to do so, but he did not. All of my family members are disgusting because they said they understood him not wanting to take her to the vet because of him not wanting to pay a vet bill to have her die soon afterwards. I explained to them that regardless of if the prognosis was grim or not , she still should have had the one last visit to either cure her or end her suffering hopefully in a peaceful way. Maybe she could have been cured early on before it progressed. Yesterday I begged and pleaded to end her suffering. But he wouldn't do it. I tried calling mobile vets as I am homebound and no one would come out. I didnt even get to hold her as she was taking her final breaths. I was a coward and left her there to die alone, I didn't want to see her in such a condition. I failed her. I promised her that I would get her help. I'm disgusting. It should have been me. I am soo depressed. I wake up crying. I have flashbacks, I can't eat, I can't sleep willingly..my body just forces me too.. Her bed still remains untouched as she left it in the room that we shared..Despite my family talking amongst themselves about me needing to throw her things out. I had to get rid of the clothes that I was wearing down to my sneakers..I can never wear that again at all. I don't even want to clean or vaccum , as I dont want to erase her scent, presence, and remaining essence. I'm a mess. Seeing how people were insensitivity asking/almost blaming me for not taking her to the vet, has really messed me up as well. The self blame has amplified and synced with my DNA , and has become something I will never get rid of. I have to listen to them describe her death with insensitivity towards her, and me to others. How pitiful and sad she looked while suffering..the allowed suffering that they intentionally inflicted on her for weeks despite my advocacy for her. The words echo in my head about how I told her that I would get her help. I promised her that I would. Her last breaths and how she was gagging and coughing for air as she tried to make her way down my basement to go outside for a final time, but how she was only able to get to the top of the basement doorway before she collapsed on the floor dying haunts me as I have to cross that spot many times during the day still. The words and memories swivel around my head and heart like a true and sincere lover and friend romances. My thoughts are mostly focused on her. Apologising to her hoping that she'll hear some how. My days consist of me trying to dictate and put my tears on a strict regimen and schedule. I blame myself for everything, including not being strong enough to carry her down, or not be strong enough to hold her in my arms while dying. I anger at the fact that my family is seduced by lies, and spreading them around like a foreign contagious parasite. Calling it a "natural " death due to age. They can't even get her age correct and cemented in their brain. They left the mop and clothe that they used to clean away the blood, outside in my front yard, so there is no escape and breathable air outside. Her corpse wasn't even respected and dignified. They took it away to a unknown place and that was that. I know that the last time they saw her she was wheeled away someplace. That's all I know. I would have given her a proper burial. Coffin and all. Maybe in her favorite park if allowed..or somewhere where it the world's beauty was reflective and matched and mirrored her beauty. I wanted soo much more for her. I wanted her to be safe in life, and secure in her transition to the unknown. Now I pray and hope that she is safe and loved in death. It's been 18 days too long since you've gone. I barely sleep, I barely eat, I barely speak..when I do it's in an impatient , short fused voice...because I'm a reconstructed timebomb that keeps going off and reanimating itself. I've been held up in our room refusing to step outside. The 2 times that I've been outside were reminders of how cruel and insensitive society is. When I speak of you there's a crack or slither in my voice that serves as a breaking point, to a breakdown. When I speak of you they automatically tell me that I should get a "new" "one" and I'll be fine (whatever that is) as if you're replaceable. As if your life meant nothing. As if another lifeform can replicate your own personal breath of life and light. I don't know how to smile anymore, my face is now trained not to. I still have your bed in our room still trying to guard it with my life..They talk about just "needing" to toss them away in the rubbish. I don't need to. They do. I try to busy myself to keep from thinking about things, but my mind becomes busier with those thoughts. Two days ago, I met a friendly stray cat who had taken to me instantaneously. Fit right underneath my arms and loved being around me all of the time. Under what use to be "normal" circumstances I would have taken her in..but it's too soon. I would never have been able to love her as herself. I would never stop comparing and contrasting you and her. I have always believed in reincarnation, therefore I am unsure if it was you in your new lifeform, or her adjusting to her current one..Either way, I just can't accept it..So I gave you, her, or both of you collectively away. She occupies my thoughts as well. Yesterday since the family refused to take the bags of blood soaked rags and equally soaked mop with your blood out of my front yard like I've been asking them to since the day you left...I had to touch them. I had to smell them. I had to carry them to properly dispose of them. They continously let us down...I know you know how that is.