Sad_Widower

Nashreed, I am having problems “quoting” you, but do want to point I out how much in agreement I am with your post above Yes, the loneliness is almost torture In my case I went from an extremely social life to complete isolation in just days. Most of my friends are supportive, however they just cannot begin to understand and unfortunately there is nothing they can do for me, other than be there To that end, I am very cognizant about not burdening them with my sorrow. Instead I let them now I am wrecked, not the same person, and frankly don’t see how this can ever change Finally, you are correct in that most/all of us were extremely fortunate to have the soulmate we did Although I am devastated I am in a demographic if having a long time soulmate I lost at a fairly young age, I know in my heart if I could do it all over again…I would. I am confident my wife feels the same way. We lived as blessed a life as I believe possible and for that I am eternally thankful.

Karen, thank you for this. You are among the first and only people who seem to understand the concept of “most of me died with her”. More importantly I find it eye opening (and comforting) you don’t find it abnormal. i was with my wife for nearly 30 years and yes we were close, and absolutely had our ups and downs (but as in your case I’m sure) we both knew we could work through anything as we were both committed fo each other. I am sorry for your loss. 40 years is a long time (and imagine part of you feel blessed to have someone for that length of time). I truly believe if you two desire and have faith toward, you will be reunited so I hope that gives you comfort. yes, as you said when the center of your universe is suddenly gone, it’s beyond life-changing. Thank you again, your response has helped me.

Hello Jathas My thoughts were actually with you today (the most I guess I can offer). i cannot sit here and tell you “stay strong” or “it will get better” because in my experience it has not. i guess I just want you to know that you are not alone in your grief. It’s an unfortunate experience we share on here, and at a minimum we are here to listen to each other, not judge, and hope to provide some level of comfort for one another.

Very interesting combination (in a good way). On a personal note, I too am more aligned with my own spirituality vs following a specific religious doctrine. In fact I have turned to many religious leaders in multiple faith (including Islamic, Hinduism) any place I could find the strength to continue. Do you mind if I ask…do you feel like part of you died with your husband? I explain it to people that I concretely feel like 90% of me died with my wife. By that my desire for “life” instantly went away. I have this sinking feeling what I experienced is extremely abnormal, and after some time have become very diligent in disallowing myself from falling apart. Additionally, this forum is the only place I’ve detailed my experience with anyone. I attempted to allude to my family friends of this wreckage, but get the feeling they don’t want to be bothered with it, so the vast majority of it I’ve kept internal. Additionally, while I was never someone that doubted “depression” existed, I never was able to understand it…and certainly never imagined myself falling this far in to it. As you seem to do, I hold dear to my heart just how incredibly blessed I was up until my wife’s passing. It‘s almost as if I’ve experienced both extremes of life. Perhaps this is just my fate. i don’t know. My gratitude for the past can only carry me so far with my present and future. Part of me thinks “do I just grin and bear this?” then part of me thinks “this is abnormal and imperative I do something to get myself out of it.” What I can say is expressing this outwardly (again something I have not done) seems to help…if anything other than to structure my thoughts I also cannot express the gratitude I feel in being able to dialogue with you all It has helped me more than I feel I can ever express To that end, In the event you share any of these feelings, I can be here, for you and anyone else feeling this way in whatever capacity I can.

Understood. I feel blessed more than anything. Part of my challenge now is I no longer need much if—anything material we obtained over the years. I don’t mind saying my wife was indeed “high-maintenance”, and myself much more simplistic, but was driven to make her happy. What l drove me for nearly 30 years is making her proud of me, in assisting with making the goals and dreams we set as young adults in to a reality. Now that we did that, she is gone. The greatest fear I have simply falling apart. I have struggled to find purpose now that I am no longer “needed” by anyone. My children, close in age left the house the week after she passed so it was extremely difficult for me, and lost all direction. Boho I will share with you (and everyone reading) I was in a leadership position with a well-knock company. In the months following, after my bereavement leave, I never went back. I essentially went MIA I stopped paying all bills. Utilities were being shut off, I allowed my home to go in to foreclosure (which I ultimately got out of) and none of it was due to finances. It was due to me simply no longer caring about anything, and it is an incredibly sad, dark place to be. i was never suicidal, due to my spiritual beliefs, but just didn’t care about living nor dying, let alone daily responsibilities/activities I was literally just waiting to die—which of course I knew was extremely abnormal—but it was indeed my state. Fortunately, my son moved back home, I was able to find another position, and bring myself back to society so to speak. I consider the positives here; I was essentially forced in to doing a LOT of soul-searching in to why I exist now, and what it is I truly want out of my remaining years. This is when I concluded I want to drop out of the “rat-race” and utilize my desire to leverage anything I can to help others, and position myself in a culture where I can do this to my fullest. Hopefully this gives some insight in to where I’ve been and currently am. 🙂

Hello Jathas, Here is hoping that tomorrow goes as well as it can for you. I would not be surprised if you dream about your husband in the following nights. I think when I was in your state I started thinking weekly. My wife passed on a Thursday morning at 6:38am, and each Thursday, at that time, I would hold a moment of silence for her, and pray that our spirits were able to align and “communicate” in knowing we were thinking of one another. It really helped me and I did feel a sense of her being during these times. What I struggle with now, and unsure how your mourning will evolve, is how to best commemorate the the anniversary of passing. Being Roman Catholic, one tradition we have (as other faiths) is to light a candle in her honor. This is something I do religiously, so struggle on how to make it “special” during these times. I imagine each grieving person will work through it individually. On a positive note, I personally feel you are doing a wonderful job in remembering your husband and keeping his memory alive. It’s one of the most important things I feel anyone can do for a lost loved one. I shutter to think of people who have passed and never through of again. Each person throughout history lived a life, had feelings, felt love, and most achieved so many things, I am happy that you are approaching it as such, and would imagine your husband is sensing this some how based on the continued spiritual connection you seem to have.

Thank you for your candid responses. Perhaps my intent is not aligned with the proposed event so I try to consider other ideas. I just think in terms of “what do I feel would help me and possibly others?” I would love nothing more than to engage myself with other widowers, where perhaps we meet for breakfast once a month, discuss our loved ones, cry about or losses together, and just be there to support one another. That is my intent. Certainly not to flaunt or “show off” anything. To the degree, I am literally getting rid of everything save for necessities (bed, TV, laptop, etc). And, no. I don’t consider myself “well off”. We started from a one bedroom apartment and moved our way up in 25 years to eventually procure our dream home, but I worked hard for that. Frankly it was because of her that inspired me to achieve what I have. In all candor I am just incredibly blessed I hit the workforce the same six months the “.com boom” hit, and have always been grateful for this stroke of luck. Yes, I live in a large house, but when we purchased it, there were four of us, with continued relatives relatives/guests staying with us plus let’s, etc so we made use of our spade. Now I have not even been upstairs in over a year. I work from home and don’t even use my office but instead woke out of a corner in my bedroom, which hardly leave. So again, I apologize was misconstrued, and it shows me I just need to seek other ways to somehow achieve my intent here. thanks.

The best way I can describe my dearly departed wife: the sweetest person many people will tell you they ever met. To a degree we were ying/yang. I grew up in an extremely unsheltered environment, on my own since a young age. No one helped with anything and I am completely self-made. With that, I developed a bit of “edge” about me. My wife on the other hand, grew up quite wealthy. Very much sheltered (unable to even date until she was 17). To put it in perspective, when we moved in together , I moved from a fraternity house and she moved from her parents house. So I was much more “worldly” than her, but she was much more moral and pure of heart than I am. In other words she was pure CLASS. She was also a social butterfly. When we got married, I pretty much dedicated myself to her and our family. That being I rarely ever went out with friends, trios with the guys etc. She on the other hand was able to maiming always being there for us, while having a SLEW of friends she managed close relationships with. As for looks, she was absolutely stunning and way out of my league. I just got lucky. She was very petite but still very “curvy”. Guys in my days would refer to her type as “little miracles”. She was 5’ 1”, and When she got pregnant had our first child she was right at 100lbs. She was also the ultimate optimist and one of the most positive persons you could ever meet. Due to her being publicly known by a large group of people she had a strong social media precense. Mainly on Facebook and Instagram. (Two things I never even used). She would sometimes make videos that were watched worldwide. I remember once, my daughter came to me and asked if I could talk to my wife about not using my daughters name or talking about her daily activities as all her friends parents were watching my wife’s videos and it would get back to my daughter, and her being that age embarrassed her. My wife also had those “verified” things on different social media platforms so people knew it was really her accounts, and did indeed keep them updated with no assistants or anything like that. I ronically, I did not watch a single Facebook or Instagram video. I was living it so just never bothered. Since her passing I cannot bring myself to watch anything. She battled health conditions unlike anyone I’ve ever even heard of the last 6-7 years of her life. While publicly she kept a “brave face”, privately it really got to her. I let it be known, that I was there for her to use as an outlet, and indeed was often the victim of her wrath or the person for he to take things out on. This is something we openly talked about. After she might blow up at me, she would say “I’m sorry. You are my husband though so that is your job to be the one I take frustration out on”. In all candor I agreed and she always knew that I could take anything and my love for her would never ever waiver. One of my fondest memories of her? She had spent over 11 months straight in a hospital over 500 miles from where we lived. She was SO excited to be coming back home. The next morning when she woke up, she woke me up my holding my hand, and I can really feel her spirit spirit telling me how happy she was to be back together, and we just laid there (here) for the next hour gently massaging/holding each other’s hand with no talking. She also accomplished most things she set out to from a young age. While she had opportunities to meet/be interviewed by many famous people, she did decline most of it, simply so she could keep a level or privacy and in all candor control the public narrative pertaining to her. However the ONE person she always wanted to meet and never was able to us Oprah Winfrey. Ha ha. She would often say Oprah was her female crush in that she really looked up to her as a person and seemed to gravitate to her as someone she looked up to. So…in a single word to describe her: “sweet” both outwardly and more important m, inwardly. She touched a LOT of peoples’ lives…but none like mine. I miss her dearly and she earned the right to be remembered.

Hello all While I imagine one of the hardest events for each of us is the inability to share good news (as an example I recently got a new job making more than I ever have but it was extremely bittersweet having no one to share it with)…but I am curious if there are any normal intervals that are extra hard to deal with. Holidays and special anniversaries excluded. Are their days of the week, or times of day (day parts) that are especially difficult? For me, initially it was when I first woke up. For months after her passing, the first thought I had when I woke up was, “Damn.” I would wonder “why am I even getting up?” Historically, as I would wake and shower, she would get up and make me a wonderful cup of coffee, prior to me leaving. Just making myself coffee would cause me to cry. Since then, it has changed. Then it moved to early evening. I manage a large organization at work, and am often encouraging those who work under me to cut out of the office early so they can spend time with their families. They are often extremely appreciative, and I can see genuinely excited to see their loved ones and carry out whatever plans they have that evening. While I, on the other hand have nothing. Absolutely nothing aside from being with my thoughts. This is something I am diligently trying to change by preparing for my over seas move, involving myself with my church in whatever capacity I can, etc. I also pray—a lot—each evening and it seems to help. Now days, the hardest part of day is now…as I write this. That being, late at night as I try to retire and go to sleep. I have had an incredibly difficult time in sleeping these past few months, perhaps out of boredom, or more likely out of loneliness at this time. I am fortunate to have my adult son (21) still living at home (I imagine if my wife were here, he’s be on his own), but it works as he gives me some level of companionship, and I take care of his needs so he can save money. Of course with him being the age he is, this is typically the time of day I don’t see him as he is more often than not out with His friends. When I do I really try not to burden him. Bless his heart, however, as he matures, he can sense when I’m going in to a depression and will often try in some way to bring me out of it, but this is a lot to ask anyone his age for a parent. I often tell him. The simple fact he notices it and cares is more than enough for me it’s weird because he and I are SUPER close; however, my relationship is completely diffeeent than that of my wife. I could lean on my wife when I was sad/concerned etc. My son and I don’t have that relationship He can—and is encouraged to lean on me—but there is little he can do for me as he is still maturing in his own way. Each year, however I think he becomes more cognizant and in tune of my broken heart, and is able to give me a little sense of support. So…this is part a lonely rant shared with many of you whom I am sure can empathize. Once again, just curious if there are any interval’d days/day parts more challenging than other for you. Thanks

Along this topic I would love your feedback. As I plan to try and engage myself with the local “Widow/Widowers club”… I am considering proposing something to them and ask for you to “pretend” you are in the club and I what your thoughts are (please be candid with your answers). Seeing as many/most of us have the desire to talk about their lost loved one, I like the idea of having a monthly (or some interval) of “(Loved one’s name) Memory Night”. The idea is for each person willing to host dinner/gathering at their residence where the theme of the night is to learn more about the loved one. As an example. I’m happy to host the first one. I would: 1. Serve a variety of dishes that was among her favorites. 2. Give the guests a tour of our house and show some of my wife’s favorite items. She was very proud of our house and often held dinner parties with her friends. While I would be out of the way, she loved showing many items she collected (China, vases, ornaments from over the world, etc.) 3. Decorate the house with pictures of her, and again just theme the gathering in her memory. 4. Have a set list of stories about her to hopefully entertain the guests, etc. I think she would LOVE the idea of me hosting people here, showing her prized possessions, and simply allow her to be the center of attention for the gathering. The next person could do somethng similar and host a gathering where we learn about their loved one. And we do this round-Robin To that end, I did propose this to my kids, and it was hard to truly gauge their thoughts. Again. I would love your candid thoughts on this idea. Is it something, given the opportunity, you would engage in? Thanks!

This is a fantastic topic. I feel we can all relate to this. I essentially had to “pull the plug” on my wife, and honestly the ER doctor at the time seemed almost flippant about it. He was very adamant about “yeah, there is not much we can really do” only minures after she has been revived once. Perhaps it was my perception but it felt like he was saying “let’s get on with this because I have a lot to do right now”. My exact words tk him were: “Let’s think about this. Because to us (my family), she is a somebody.” My one pledge to my wife is that her memory lives on. Not just in my heart, but that others know about her. I feel it’s the greatest thing to do. Side note: for those unaware, I am soon starting a life of 100% serving others in her name as I mourn her. Admittedly, as a latent effect I myself hope to be able to touch other people through her. In the months after she passed, all I wanted to do was talk about her. Unfortunately my family and her friends for some reason did not share this. I have good relationships with all of them (no issues or “drama” with anyone) but it became abundantly clear that they just had no interest in talking about her, to the point some of those relationships have kind of dissolved. I also don’t feel it was me being over zealous in wanting to talk about her, in that I would tell them “I’m sorry if it seems I want to talk about her too much but it’s therapeutic for me” followed by “okay. No problem. So what else is going on?” type responses. 😞 This is when I concluded, one has to experience this to truly understand. So I joined local a “Widow club”. Unfortunately they shut down during Covid saying they had no place to meet (have since started up) but I have yet to attend any meetings or talk to anyone. I was a little put off as I offered to host meeting at my house (I live in a large house centrally located, that could easily host a large group). One person who feels they speak for everyone shot that down, and I was unable to propose it to the larger group so was a bit put off, but they are meeting again and plan to attend soon. Anyway, I love the idea of this thread. To keep my posts more succinct I will follow up with trying to describe my wife as well as an idea I would like to get all of your thoughts on.

This is for those whose lost a significant other that dealt with health issues. The end result for me is my wife passed away after complications from a stem cell transplant. Below is her unique history: Poked and Prodded When Heslthy. Perhaps it was an omen to come but we had children 19 months apart, and both times she had an emergency c-section. Cervical Cancer When our children were 10 and 11 years old, my wife was diagnosed with stage IV cervical cancer. While I was at work one day my parents called me and said my kids found her barely conscious and they contacted my parents who lived nearby (I worked 1.5 hours away). I’ll never forget when i got to the hospital it was the first time I saw my dad crying. The doctor told me “she was within an hour of losing her life” and my knees buckled. She fought this cancer and after multiple surgeries/hospital stays that went on for years, she started the road for recovery. False Positive When our kids were 13/14, my wife was in her final month of being considered “cancer free”. She phoned me in tears while at work saying they called her and said it was returning and would have to go through additional procedures. Finally Beat It About a year later after going through more procedures/hospital stays she was found to be cleared of her Cervical Cancer. The Celebration Lasted a Week One week later they sent her to a hematologist as they found some abnormalities ones in her blood. Within the a year (after numerous tests/hospital stays she) she was diagnosed with a full blown case of an EXTREMELY rare type of Lukehmia. Rare Can Be Good The good news in the rarity of her type of Lukehmia (we live in Texas and she was the only one in the state currently with it), is that it garnered the attention of the medical community. Initially doctors came to see her. The Best Care Available When our kids were 14/15 we made the decision to send her to the best hospital in the nation for her type of Lukehmia (MD Anderson). For the next few mo thx it was back and forth via flights while she would spend 2-3 weeks in the hospital at a time, fly home for a week, and the fly back for another stay in the hospital. Blessed to Be Eligible for a Stem Cell Transplant. One of the toughest challenges she faced was getting her blood counts to a state where she could be eligible for a Stem Cell Transplant. She had a donor, but required NUMEROUS rounds of chemotherapy. None of them worked. Eventually they told us their was a clinical trial type of chemo she could try. However it was an all or nothing chance. Meaning the effect it would have on her body she could only take it once, and not be eligible for chemo after this. “She will be Dead before Christmas” One thing we learned is that the doctors were extremely blunt with us. To the point while in the hospital she asked me to start taking with the doctors alone with respect to her prognosis. It was early November and the doctor told me that if the chemo did not work, and she could not get the stem cell transplant, she would most likely not make it to Christmas. I did not immediately tel her this. Read below as to why and when I did. Then it Became Serious Fortunately the chemo worked! By this point she had been at least six straight months living at MD Anderson. We celebrated by having a family dinner at the hospital (they have a lot of family services there including mini apartments for families). It was THEN I told her what the doctor told me, mainly so she was prepared to jump right in to the transplant. She told me she sensed it the chemo failed that was it, however was still petrified of having the stem cell transplant. People Don’t Die From Lukehmia Instead they almost always die from the complications of the procedures for it. For those who might not know, stem cell transplants are extremely risky. They broke down the odds to us as such: Survival Rates 1-2 years 70% 3-5 years 50% 5-10 years 30% This was based on people with her type of Lukehmia post stem-cell transplant t. She did not make it a year. After spending 11 months in the hospital, she was cleared to go home (having to fly back to the hospital every two weeks). She was home for four months and just as we thought she was out of the weeds, she got sick and died unexpectedly. I was with her, holding her hand when she passed. A Courageous Person Toward the end, as doctors would learn about her health history, doctors and nurses alike would commend her strength as they stated they had not seen many endure what she had for as long as she did. A Loving Person I used to always tell her there is no way I could endure the things she went though. I was a cheerleader for her and I constantly let her know how proud I am of her courage and strength. One day she stopped me mid-sentence and said “Honey. You would do the same thing I am, you just don’t know it.” She explained, “I’m doing all of this for you, just like you would for us.” So it was her love for her family that gave her the strength to battle what she did. This is one reason I will always cherish her. For those wanting share, I would love to hear about the health issues your significant others might have endured. thanks.

Jathas, be on the lookout for a separate post I will put together later tonight. This is yet more similarities we share. My wife battled sickness unlike I ever imagined a person could, and I want post about the surviving “care-giver” perspective. In a way, due to her situation being so unique, it helped as it garnered a lot of attention from the medical community. Doctor from all over the nation were either treating or partnering with those who were. In fact she had some of the most unique procedures executed on her, she spent over two years out of town, and literally 11 months straight in the hospital (I never knew someone could “live” in a hospital like that). This, during the time our kids were 15 and 16…so I juggled a lot. All the while it placed stressors on us, but we were cognizant that these types of situations and tear families apart, so we remained committed working through it and we did. Anyway, I imagine there are quite a few care-givers for deceased significant others who have a story so will share mine in a subsequent post and look forward to hearing about others’ experiences. finally sometimes it helps to learn about what others have endured as often we can feel like what we are enduring—no one else has. My best friend passed away at 30 years old. His wife at the time was 27, and she had been widowed TWICE. I cannot fathom what this can do to a person at such a young age, so I always think about her (even before my burden) to help with my gratitude. Thanks again I hope this forum is serving as an outlet for you. People on here genuinely do care so keep dialoguing as you feel comfortable.

Jathas, As I read more about your story I feel we share a lot of similarities. In that we are both middle-age(ish) who lost a longtime soulmate. I went from living at home to college (I was living in a fraternity house when I met my wife). We too moved in together within two month of dating (she has just turned 18) so while we were not married, we might as well have been as we lived like a married couple. One of the things that does comfort me is knowing that we met almost all our goals. By that when we were younger we talked about having a family, living a comfortable life, living in our dream home etc. As I reflect…we did that. We had two beautiful children (after concerns we could not have children at one point). I had a flourishing career. She was publically known (for good things) yet we had the level of privacy nothing was ever effected. As we aged we increased our standard of living until by the time our kids started middle school, we moved in to our dream home, in the number one ranked school district I. Our state (very important to us) and essentially planned to live out the rest of our lives in this home. So what we missed out on were our golden years, which we were very excited about. We did have some stressors in our lives l, which we had overcome and were looking forward to celebrating that in the coming years at the time of her passing. We always felt we were a special couple in that our commitment to one another was so strong. We realized no many who were together from such a young age as we had been stayed together, so each year on our anniversary we would always talk about how we beat the odds. I will never forget about a week before her passing I was talking with her in the phone at lunch (as we did daily). Everything was going so good for us, and I told her it was because God was blessing us. I truly feel we were a “righteous” couple in that we were supportive of our community, charitable, sacrificed for our children so they could have the best of everything, and genuinely made concentrated efforts to be the best people we could be. In my mind I felt we could only be rewarded for this, which is one reason I struggled so much when she passed. Was I being punished, or her, or both? I still don’t know the answer What I do know is that as good of a person I have always commuted myself to be, this is the most humbling experience of my life. 1/2 of me feels that I somehow offended God, and this is the cross I bear (which I will accept and pray for forgiveness) and the other half feels there is a purpose for this happening and I need to seize the purpose. It’s something I am cognizant of daily and am sure I will find the answer. To that end I have essentially decided to leave the life I currently have, and spend the rest of my days serving fellow man. I know it sounds corny/cliche’ but I am sincere in this. It is so important to me to reflect on my life and be proud of how I conducted myself and I truly believe the reason we each exist is to somehow support and love one another. Again, I know it sounds cheesy, but I have realized I am actually in a position to do this. I feel my sole purpose of existence is to earn my right to be reunited with her and to properly mourn her and ensure the memory of how she affected others it not forgotten. So…as you progress through this, my only suggestion is to be thinking of your “purpose”. You most likely will hit that “I just don’t care anymore about anything” stage (I certainly have). If you do…that can be a positive in that true self-awareness can compel you to think “this is a critical stage for me so I need to truly act without fear of anything.” I hope much of this makes sense. I feel blessed you have joined us and truly hope you continue to dialogue as it is a long process and you most like still in the initial shock stage. For me once that wore off is when my life became hell. Nothing I ever Iminagined Jin my wildest dreams would happen but it did, so I deal with it, from my heart. I owe that to myself….and imagine you will realize you do as well.

One other quick interesting story post-death. Honestly, I do not fault you if you find this hard to believe, as I would be skeptical if I read this myself. All I can do is tell this did happen, and I get nothing out of fabricating the truth here. Her first birthday after her death (which was almost a year after passing), I was in our bedroom and lit a special birthday candle for her. Please understand that I light “mourning candles” for her all the time. So by this time 2-3 times weekly I would light a candle so it is the norm. After I lit her special birthday candle, I set it down behind me, and sang her happy birthday. When I turned around, you can imagine what I saw. The candle was somehow (blown?) out. I stood there in a trance for about 2-3 minutes. All I can tell you is all the candles I’ve lit prior and since, NONE of them have gone out. Isn’t it ironic it went out just as if she was blowing out candles for a wish? I would love to say that has happened each year since, but it hasn’t. Still I looked at that as some sort of sign.

Today is my wife’s birthday. I want to share with you all some things about her. In all my life, I have never been around a more loving, morally in-tact person, righteous person in the world. Listen, I realize people say this about their loved ones, but this is different. Even when she was alive, people who found out I was her husband (she was a public personality) would tell me “I’ve never met anyone like her. She is the sweetest thing God ever made.” When she passed, the funeral director from what I heard, unfortunately became upset due to the number of people who attended. There was an overflow of people waiting outside the funeral home to pay their respects. To the point we literally wheeled her body outside before the cremation so that those who were not allowed in could say their final goodbyes. The entire evening was nothing but people coming up to me (90% I didn’t know) telling me what a special person she was. It got to the point I kept using the same line over and over and over (smiling and saying “This is why I married her”). In reality, I was lucky to have her. We just cliqued. I needed her and vice-versa. Unfortunately when we first got married, her parents did something that strained their relationship. It was nothing criminal, but due to the uniqueness of it, and the fact she was a public persona, the media got a hold of it, and we had multiple opportunities to “hang them out to dry.” Instead (and I’ll never forget this) we were sitting in our living room and I was going over the news organizations and shows requesting comment (some willing to fly us to their location for an interview) and she said “that’s not us.” (Meaning to air dirty laundry). Of course my wife reconciled with them shortly after, but I think she was embarrassed of them for it and things were never truly the same (but she did love them dearly). My point being, she was truly a unique and GENUINE person. Happily I can sit here and say I always knew this and was always appreciative of it. I never wanted to be one of these people who after they lost someone say “I never truly appreciated him/her”, because I did. Every day of my life. In all our years together, I don’t think we ever went a day without talking even though she spent some time out of town, we were always the most important thing in each other’s lives. So she had her faults as all of us do, however I can unequivocally say she is the most liked person I have ever known, and the majority of people who knew her will agree with that assessment. With today being her birthday, I really kick myself and struggle with “what can I do for her today?” I’m not embarrassed to say that I sang her happy birthday this morning (ending with “and many more in my heart”). I lit a special candle for her, and I prayed. A lot (and will continue this evening). However as I close my eyes and ask her to join my heart and convey what she would like…it’s difficult and I cannot say I summon a “response” ad hoc. I CAN say there are times where I feel her talking to me and definitely take heed in that.

Jathas, Please accept my condolences as well on the loss of your husband I was with my wife for nearly 30 years when I lost her, and like you met her when she was 18, so we are in this rough demographic of losing a long-time soul-mate while still at a fairly young age (I was only 49 when I lost her) So to lose the center of my universe for 30 of my 49…well, I can empathize I imagine everyone’s experience is different. For me, I believe I found my one true love in life, thus I see no reason to “start over”. I tell everyone who will listen, when she died, 90% of me died with her. It was the very first feeling that came over me (and I was holding her hand as she passed). It’s been a few years since I lost her but I still stand by this. I too was in shock. For probably six months. Then the cruelty of this world set in. The visits stopped. The phone calls stopped, and I had to come to grips with the fact no one will ever care about her as much as I did. In fact today is her birthday, and not a single call from anyone on either side of our families. I hope you have a better support system. For me, I am just unlucky, as all the relationships my wife and I had with friends and family simply resolved. No rhyme or reason for any of it…other than I assume they just don’t care. This is why a forum like this is SO important. It gives you the opportunity to speak with others who can truly empathize. At the urging of my family, I sought out therapy. However I simply could not get over the fact the person i was talking with was still happily married and simply cannot understand what it is like to lose your soulmate. This is why I can only lean on and listen to others whom have experienced this, so I do hope you continue to post here and lean on us for support. We might be strangers, but we understand. Finally, some good news. I am unsure of your faith, but if you do believe in the afterlife (and I assume you do based on your term soulmate) reach out to your religious leaders. The ONE AND ONLY thing that gets me up in the morning? Knowing (not thinking, but knowing) that my wife and I will be together again. It is something we talked about when she was alive. There were certain signs we even talked about giving each other if we could, and I can tell you with all certainty…I feel her presence. It took me a few months to really achieve this, but I truly believe in souls, and the concept of soulmates. By that, with love being the strongest force on earth, I truly believe in the concept of two souls intertwining This being we each have our own soul, and a percentage of that is blended with another’s, which will ultimately reunite us. i know it sounds crazy, but I am lucid in all other aspects of life, plus this is what most of our faiths teach us, so why not be open and discuss it? Anyway, I look forward to hearing more about your husband. Every life is precious, and everyone offers something unique to this world and would love to read more about his life if you care to share with us. Thanks

How do you remember your loved one, from a physical standpoint? I’ve tried in vain to articulate this to my kids, and will try here. My wife had just turned 18 when I met her and we became a couple. She passed at age 46. So as you can imagine we watched each other evolve from young to middle-age. What I find extremely odd, however is when I reflect on her in my mind she’s not young, nor is sue middle age. She is both..at once. I cannot explain it other than you know when you are with someone you don’t really notice the changes. However if someone had not seen her from 18 to 46, of course she would have appeared different to them. To me however I just see her as her. All ages at once. Okay. I realize this makes little sense but if anyone else experiences this understand you are not alone. Finally, it might help to understand since her passing I have only been able to look at a few pictures of us (the ones we had in our room—which seem to span all the years) but absolutely no video (which in have hours and hours of) Unsure if I ever will as all it will make me to do cry until I have no more tears.

Hello everyone. As I’m sure most of you can empathize, holidays and special occasions are the worst. Today is my dearly departed wife’s and I wedding anniversary. It’s funny as I reflect I would say about the final five years she was alive, our anniversary turned in to “her” anniversary. In that I would spoil my wife on her anniversary. Ha ha. A few years ago I took her to Las Vegas. I had little interest in going, but she really wanted to go. We did have the time of our lives however. We aren’t much gamblers, but we spent about five days in a nice hotel suite, went to all the shows l, etc. I feel like I want to do something for her today, but don’t know what. The first year after her passing I got her a card and placed it on her nightstand. However, honestly speaking it ripped me apart inside to browse through the cards and sometimes feel I am torturing myself. I was literally crying at the grocery store and it was incredibly embarrassing It becomes even more difficult as it’s her birthday in three days, followed shortly by the anniversary of her passing. So the next few weeks are incredibly trying for me and I just have to gut it out. My only hope is I am able to speak to someone from her family on her birthday. I’ve always had good relationships with my in-laws but they have pretty much ignored me since her passing.

Thank you Boho-Soul, for your kind words. 😊 I sincerely mean it when I say I sense you are a kind spirit, and truly believe you will have good karma coming your way. I hate to have a jaded view of people but have come to learn there aren’t as many kind hearts in this world as I initially thought so it’s important to recognize those I come across. 🙂 On a side note about four days before my wife passed we were sitting in our bedroom. I was extremely sad because both our kids were leaving for college the next week. My wife was actually excited about it. However when I was sad so was she and vice-versa. I remember she grabbed my hand and said “Don’t worry. You still have me.” and then proceeded to tell me all the places I was going to take her once the kids moved out. Ha ha I distinctly remember thinking how lucky I was to have her—and then a few days later she was gone. I am happy I never took her for granted. Of course, being together as long as we were, we certainly had our ups and downs… but we had them together. For better or worse we were the center of each other’s universe. Finally, regarding my move, what makes me so content is not just the fact I am doing what I want. But what I want to do is THIS. When I met my wife I was living in a fraternity house. Never in a million years did I imagine this is where I would end up. Be it an orphanage or a community center…whatever the need I want to fervently do my part to assist with it because I truly want to make a difference.

Very few of my family members understand why I’m doing this. Those who do are fully supportive of me. So I think this is something people either will get—or not. Scary Thought While I have dealt with death—often, it took losing my wife to truly understand how fleeting life is. By that we are here today, forgotten tomorrow. If you think about it, 100-150 years from now, chances are great no one will know you even existed. Unless of course you have a great great great relative interested in learning his/her ancestry. How We Lived When my wife was alive we were not only committed to each other, but our community. Both heavily involved in youth activities, as well as charitable events, etc. Without going in to detail, she was also a public figure. Loved by many, and her funeral an event. Standing room only…most of whom I didn’t know. Now that she has passed I lost purpose. My kids moved out weeks after she passed. I went from head of a loving household, each of us bustling with a bustling life we shared…to complete isolation. I had naively thought I would love out my remaining days in the midst of my family. Boy was I wrong. They all have their own lives, and unfortunately only one or two of them seem to have the same concept of “family” as my wife and did. I Lost Purpose So after accepting this. I kept asking myself…why am I here? What is my purpose? Yes, I have a leadership position at a Fortune 500 company…but why? The money is good, but I have ALWAYS been about my family. Instead my family’s advice has been to either find someone or indulge myself in work. My one sadness in life is the investment I put (throughout my entire life) in to my family was not reciprocated the one time I need it. My Wife’s Wish Ever since I can remember, my wife’s burial request was to be cremated and have her ashes dispuraed in a particular location, literally half-way around the world. This was not a fleeting fancy of hers, but something she genuinely wanted. While is sounded far-fetched, I am confident she knew deep down I would do this for her. So upon her passing, I had her cremated and started out to take her to this location. Then Covid hit. I Can’t Leave Her The bad news of Covid is I was unable to take her ashes when I wanted to. The good news is it gave me a chance to truly take stock of my life. I realized more and more how loved me unlike anyone else did. I always knew this, but I didn’t know it (if that makes sense). So I realized I cannot take her to this location, disburse her ashes, leave her, and come back to…this. Can’t do it. Won’t do it. I am wasting my life if I do. So I made the decision when I take her there, I am STAYING with her! This means giving up life as I know it, leaving my career, and moving to a new, foreign culture. My Epiphany My initial thoughts were to bring her, stay, and spend the rest of my days mourning her. But what does that mean? To me it means ensuring not just myself, but others knew she existed. It means truly keeping her in my heart and allowing what she offered the world to continue through me. My Purpose Then it hit me! My purpose is the same it has always been. GIVING OF MYSELF TO OTHERS. Yes, I realize these are words we talk and often endeavor to do, but I am actually in a position to fully do this 100%. So while I am in this country, I am taking the money I have saved an opening an orphanage…in her name. There is a dire need for this, and not only do I have not t planned out, but I have a few of her family members who have pledged to be investors (in they will help fund this). Note: My involvement will be mainly logistics in that I want to be able to hire local residents/procure volunteers to help with daily operational duties. While this is a huge undertaking, I will start with small obtainable goals and go from there. However the gist of this is when it’s my day, I want to be able to face God, and without hesitation know I truly made a concentrated effort to positively affect lives. This is something I know would make my wife proud, and I’m doing this because it’s the right thing to do. Because it’s the right thing to do, it’s what I want to do. Finally, I am working with the spiritual leaders within my church to ensure I have their blessings. While this move has little to do with religion, and more to do with morality, I am spiritual and am turning to the church as I take on this endeavor.

Thank you both so much for your responses. This is the GOOD side of the Internet. 🙂 I have tried to explain to my family (who see me wrecked) that the best thing for me is to be honest with myself. I could pretend the best thing is to “start over” which they all want me to do. I’m only 52 and realize I have a lot to offer the world still, so it’s a matter of determining what that is. My wife was big on seeing the positives of everything. As of now, the only “positive” is it has strengthened my faith. This is the last thing I thought it would do, but again I feel it’s most healthy to accept reality. i guess in the end, I have come to grips that the person who loved and care about me more than anyone in the world is now gone. As most of you know this is an extremely frightening, humbling experience. Honestly I cannot remember the last time something or someone has upset me since she passed (which I guess is another positive). I’ve been hurt by people but have no malice toward them at all. As my wife said, “life is too short” and boy was she right. i will post what my “big plans” are later this evening. I think it’s how I came to this decision that is most interesting and hope you all will as well. Thanks

You know, I determined the only way I could truly do this is via an estate sale. By that we live in a large house (~3500 sq feet) and it’s FULL of stuff. 99% of the items were my wife’s. If fact she was redecorating the house when she passed. Just opening her nightstand drawer throws me in a trance, and the next thing I know it’s 20 minutes later and I am teary-eyed. I’ve asked my family for help with this to no avail. So…I contacted an estate sale company. I informed them I am staying in the house I just want 99% of the items gone. I let them know I would put everything I wanted to keep in one room and the rest would go. They estimated the value at $60k. I found it low but they said it was a “huge sale”. They told me it was such a huge sale that I would have to leave my house for two weeks while they prepped e everything. I agreed. Then they asked for three weeks, then eventually said the job was “too big” for them to handle. Other companies I called said the same thing. I would need to leave for 2-4 weeks. It’s the route I have decided to take but waiting until I sell the house. There are some items of course I want to keep (photo albums, old home movies etc). As always I appreciate everyone’s responses. I find each of your experiences very interesting.

First, I should say, whether it’s normal or not, I feel worse, more heart-broken, more despair and sadness now, then I did when I first lost my wife over 19 months ago. In other words it is getting WORSE, not better (while I am trying - however I cannot lie to myself). How many of you feel abandoned after the loss of your significant other? I’ll do my best to explain my feelings and apologies if I am too verbose, but I am confident some of you might empathize and curious if it’s “just me” or what I’m experiencing is normal. After my wife of nearly 30 years passed, I was under the impression I had a strong support system. As a family everyone got along on both sides and we were really close and supportive of one another. But after she passed I noticed that these relationships started fading away. None of her friends has checked up on me since the funeral. It’s so weird they were here almost weekly but now vanished. I’m lucky to get a response if I reach out to her family, even though when she was alive I would talk to them at a minimum 3-5 times per week. Now I go months without hearing anything. it’s really weird. Honestly sometimes I feel like “damaged goods”. It’s interesting because in the past when someone I knew lost a close loved one, you could not keep me away from that person. I genuinely cared and went out of my way to let that person know I am here for anything ever needed from me. In this instance I have seen not everyone (in fact most people) are not like this. My wife would always say “not everyone is like us” and it’s made me believe there is a strong delineation among people who truly care, vs those who don’t. My greatest challenge now is as follows: 1. Due to the fact I invested all my time and energy into my family, not that this has been dissolved I have nothing. Let it be known I would do it ALL over again, however I have no one I feel I can turn to. 2. In the next 12 months, I am making a life-changing move. One that is intended to give me purpose and allow me to properly mourn my wife at the same time. 3. I feel right now as if I no longer have purpose. Please understand I have a flourishing career and am blessed to make a very generous salary…however that means nothing to me without my wife. I doubt I would have been 1/4 as successful in my professional life had she not entered my world. Okay, this was my little rant. I appreciate you all allowing me to get this off my chest. Once again I have no one else to talk about these feelings to, so I am just throwing it out there. In my next post I will detail my plans I alluded to in #2 above (which again is life-changing). Thank you

Thank you for everyone’s responses. I have found them very informative and it has helped me a lot!