Sad_Widower

Yep/ I was pretty surprised. I checked out a 'depression' forum, and it appears my experience was not isolated. I'd like to think eventually I would have been put in contact with a person who sincerely cared, but being transferred around answering the scripts of people with attitudes is not the best front line service, IMO. Again, it was just the luck of the draw (which then started making me think I was jinxed, etc.). My son recently told me "Mom used to tell us you would re-marry if she died, because she said you are a big baby who needs someone to take care of him" Now, I know my wife, and I know she said this in jest (although I did and still do need her)...but she knew deep down there is NO WAY I would ever re-marry. I can recall, in her final moments, I started having chest pains. I have no idea why, and I really tried to fight it off (I thought I was already in a hospital so....). She caught me clutching my chest a few times and asked "Are you okay, honey?" I instructed her not to worry about me, but instead focus on her and let us know what she needs. This is just how she was though. I mean, less than maybe three minutes before her passing, she was concerned with me. My wife knew I would be a WRECK without her. I sometime think, one of her last thoughts is how I would go on without her. I want to tell you all something. My wife went through a LOT. Even doctors and nurses would praise her for her "bravery" due to how many medical procedures she'd gone through. Forget the two emergency c-sections, and the all the experimental chemo therapies, and all the blood transfusions, and stem cell transplant, cervical surgeries, et al. She really went through some scary medical procedures. I used to tell her, "There is no way I could do all of that." I told her this all of the time. About six months before she passed, I was telling her this again, when she stopped me. "Honey. You would." I don't know," I replied. "You would." she said. "The reason I have gone through all of this is because of you and the kids. I love you and know I need to be here for you, and I know you and you would do the same thing because you love us." That has always stuck with me.

Hello. Yes at first I considered this. But once I started becoming excluded from things it went past not knowing what to say to actually shunning me. it is what it is….I still try and “fellowship” with them. As an example, with yesterday being the anniversary of her death, I texted her family, let them know I am thinking of them and if they need anything from me to reach out as I’m always here for them. No response (per usual). I personally think they simply don’t care. I just continue to do what I know to be best, and that is thoughtful, supportive, etc. It’s all I can do. The crazy thing, they all know I’m leaving. If just ONE family member said “please don’t leave—we will miss you” I would stay. I can honestly say I am over it. It’s bittersweet as had I don’t something I would feel shame, but accept it. However not doing anything it’s confusing, but I keep my integrity. It just hurts me when I see people who have not behaved well in life still have family members who stand with them. I was just unlucky with my family, that’s all. @nashreedI understand the concept of “no one to share it with”. This is perhaps the most difficult thing of all. I think that sense of our soul mainly dying when our spouse died, is knowing that we can never truly be happy again. There might be things that we enjoy, but we will never truly be happy like we once were. This shows me how much you loved your wife. Some people just up and re-marry (which is fine), however I just don’t see how I could ever have another soulmate. So when I note “change” it’s really encouraging to spoil yourself. Do something/some things you have always wanted to do or just think about some way to honor your wife. You said she would not like you now. What would make her happy—for you? Finally, it truly breaks my heart knowing there are people experiencing what I am. While there is a level of normalcy knowing I am not alone in this, I hate to see it all the way around. I think this forum is a beautiful thing—I really do—so keep leveraging it as we all share a bond and even through we might be strangers, we actually are not—because we do care. I’m happy to share my phone number on here (if it’s allowed) so that you are anyone can ring me up just to chat at any time you need to talk. Thx

Thanks for the reference. It was actually helpful, so I appreciate that. Do you mind if I ask what country you are from (I have traveled many places so am curious). Yes I am looking forward to it. Lots to research and plan. I was also very concerned with disbursing her ashes and then leaving, so I think the fact I am going to stay. Many people thought her desire to be disbursed there was a “pie in the sky” dream, but I knew she meant it so figure it’s one of the best things I can do for her. Again, I see a lot of widowers doing this…they are called “Expats”. Honestly, if I weren’t taking my wife’s ashes there I don’t know if I would have ever even considered it though.

I am on my laptop so can properly quote! 🙂 @Nashreed, once again, I hope it does mean something to you when I say you are not alone in your experience. I'll share my struggle in obtaining help to 'navigate' through things, as I imagine you can relate: 1. The first week after my wife's death, I was given the contacts for some grief therapy. I initially hesitated due to my assumption my family would be there for me. That was a BIG mistake. Instead of growing even closer to my loved ones, the opposite happened. 2. Once I realized this (it was not in my mind) I was sitting at home alone, Christmas day, while my entire family spent it celebrating (only a few miles away). I'd never had a falling out or anything as such with any of them....I just wasn't invited. It was SHOCKING, seeing as we held Xmas at our house each year, the first year without my wife, my entire family holds it at my parents (both sides of the family), I am not even invited nor told about it. I'm sitting at home thinking "How can this be happening?" What have I done? I could not believe the people I loved could be so cruel like this. I could understand if I had some baggage in that I was a less than perfect son, father, etc. but none of that. My entire life has been devoted to my family, and other than usual disagreements, never had a "falling out" with anyone. Worse yet, it's not like they don't talk to me or can point to anything I've done Instead they just have shunned me. I am simply unlucky, that's all I can deduce. 3. After this I went in to COMPLETE isolation. I spent close to a year literally shut down. I stopped working. As in I just stopped going in to the office. I stopped paying bills. The only time I would even get up to pay a bill was when the service was disconnected. I allowed my home to go in to foreclosure, etc The crazy thing is I had more than enough money to pay these bills, I was just so wrecked I did not care about anything. I lost over 50 pounds as I barely ate, etc. One night I really felt as if I were dying inside. I started thinking about ALL the things being thrown on me, and realized (looking outside in) "This is enough to literally kill someone.". I just needed to talk to someone. I only wanted to ask someone "Am I wrong for being wrecked over all of this...or am I missing something?" So...at 2:30am, .I called the National Suicide hotline. Let me tell you, this is not what it appears to be. Firt the woman who answered actually had an attitude. She answered "Suicide line. Name, address, birthdate, and social". "Hello?" I asked. "Name, address. Birthdate, and Social!" she quipped back. I tried to explain I just wanted to talk to someone (as it was obvious it wasn't going to be her. I was very trepid in giving my personal information and tried to explain this. (I did not want to end up on some 'list'). She let me know in no uncertain terms could swe proceed further without that information. So I just gave her fake information. "Hold" she said....then I was put on hold for about 10 minutes, transferred here, transferred there...about 45 minutes in I was fighting through their VRU...and eventually just hung up. I cannot express how defeated I was at that time. Here I was, at the worst of my worst, having always thought there was this service (for which I never imagined needing) that is there to help those in despair. I was completely ut of options. That had to be my lowest point. To a degree, it was a positive, in that it took from this mesial state to realizing something had to give. This set me on the track to truly understanding what I wanted out of life at this point. I realized whatever is going on in my family's head, what they can't take away is I've been nothing short of a perfect son, father, brother-in-law, etc. I hold my head high on this. Above all, I have my integrity. I say all of this, as it might help you to really take a step back and think of what you want to achieve in your remaining years. As you know, they will go by quickly. For me, I have decided to move across the globe. There is a certain place in India where my wife wanted her ashes disbursed, and have decided to stay with her after doing so. From there, I plan to simply help others in whatever capacity I can. Even if it's as something simple as delivering meals/companionship to the elderly, or helping with orphaned children...whatever the need, I am there to help. I'll tell you, there are a lot of Widowers moving overseas. One reason being many countries in Asia are incredibly inexpensive. Unfortunately, I see a lot of them moving to the Philippines or Thailand, simply to get a young girlfriend (who seems to use them of their money) but my intentions are completely the opposite. Regardless, I would suggest some sort of change" for you, as I hate to see anyone stuck in the rut we know so well.

Thanks for your responses. As always I am “quote-challenged” so will do my best. VR - I can certainly relate on the ‘on my mind 24/7’. I actually tried to deduce what % of time I’ve spent thinking of my wife since her passing. I would guestimate that 90% of my waking thoughts have been on her. This, and I still work full-time. Nashreed - Not sure what to say. I can understand the desire in describe our loved ones final moments with family members. I tried for months after my wife passed, they did not seem interested. I will never understand it. I can also relate to the loneliness. Trust me. My family has completely abandoned me and the worse part I have no idea why. I’ve never had a problem with any of them. Ever. I will go as far and say seeing them turn their back on me was worse than losing my wife. It made me extremely suicidal. My biggest fear was not killing myself, but instead my broken heart killing me. My health went downhill in a MAJOR way. I could sense I was dying. Now I would never kill myself due to my religious beliefs, but I considered…if I can feel I am dying inside, and I do nothing about it…is it a form of suicide? I still don’t know the answer. I have been wanting to talk to my religious leadership about this. This is when I decided to give it ALL up. By that, I am planning to move 1/2 across the world (India), and live out my remaining days mourning my wife and giving myself to others. There are a myriad of opportunities there (the struggle is real), and my ultimate goal is to fund an orphanage. I actually should have already been gone, but first COVID delayed things, now I have a passport issue I am working through….but it’s a matter of months at this point (I hope). Part of me is INCREDIBLY scared about doing this (seeing as I am only 52). It is the absolute last thing I ever thought would do. I mean it was never even a thought during my entire life. But in reality my only other alternative is to stay here, continue ignored by my family, absolutely miserable and just work until I die. Not going out like that.

It was a few years ago, at this time of night (11pm), my son and I made another trip to the hospital to visit my wife (who had been admitted earlier in the day for a fever). As I walked in her room, I saw her sleeping (as I had—literally—close to a 100 times prior at hospitals around the country). This time, however, it was different. I distinctly remember feeling sorry for her. More than usual. I think by knowing her so well, I could simply tell by the expression on her face as she slept, she was not feeling well. At this time, her nurse came in and asked me for some information. “She was not up to providing it earlier he said “. As we stood outside her room, he starting asked all the common questions. I then heard my wife awaken and begin talking to my son. As the nurse was typing in my answers to questions, I kept leaning over looking in the door, “tell mommy I am here too.” I kept saying. Finally after 10 minutes, i went in, kissed her and we chatted for a bit. I brought her a Twix candy bar (her favorite) but she was so sick, so mumbled “just put it there, I’ll have it later.” We stayed until about 1am, then proceeded home. The hospital is only 1.5 miles away. As we left, I kissed her on her forehead, told her I loved her and said “Be nice to your nurse. He seems like a nice guy.” She just kind of grunted in acknowledgement as she drifted back to sleep. I had a difficult time sleeping when my wife was away in the hospital, and that night was no exception. At about 4am I was taking some trash to the garage and my phone rang. It was a nurse telling me that my wife “isn’t doing very well, and she requested to see you.” Honestly, even at THAT time I still did not consider the fact her passing. This was just our life. She had spent the past five years in and out of hospitals so it was par for the course. I was there by 4:05am…and within three hours she was gone. I hope I can sleep tonight. In the past when I was sad I used to only want to sleep. Now it becomes difficult, which confuses me. Unsure what I will do today to commemorate her passing. What I do know is I won’t hear from any family. Of course I will contact them and let them know I am thinking of them and am here if they need anything from me, but will get the usual “I will call you in about 10 minutes” never hearing back of course. It’s something I am used to now, and leave it to them to live with themselves. I hold my head high knowing I remain supportive. It’s all I can do. Thanks for listening.

I really hope this doesn’t bring back difficult memories for you, but for those who care to share; I would love to know about the last moments you had with your significant other. For me, I was truly blessed. I was actually holding my wife’s hand as she passed (with our children at her bedside). I cannot put in to words how much the following helped soften the blow (as she did die unexpectedly). There is such a sense of warmth I get reflection on our 30 years together, realizing I was with her until the absolute very end. This is the greatest gift God has EVER blessed me with. Our final words happened when I could see she was in pain, so I gently grabbed her tiny hand and started massaging it (as I had a thousand times before). She quietly said, “that feels good”. We made eye contact and kind of smiled at each other with our eyes. My eyes said “thank you” to her as I continued to massage her hand. We could talk with our eyes at times as I imagine many of you can relate About a minute or so later she quickly sat up, then essentially went under and they could not bring her back. I’ll say it again, it was a total shock. This was very early in the morning and I remember one of my final thoughts being what I was going to cook for her at home that night. As unexpected as it was, I will thank God every day for my remaining time just how fortunate I was to be there with her during this experience.

Boho, have you ever considered writing a book? You are absolutely correct when you say “every person has a story” and when you consider, I bet almost all of us have a story the a section of public would be interested in reading. I actually started drafting a book when my wife was still alive. I feel we have a really unique story. I know that someone will read it (if only our family). I think it’s a great way to allow someone legacy to live in decades after they have passed. Once I get overseas and situated, I think I can write it in about a year. It’s on my bucket list, anyway.

Thanks Boho. If/when you ever feel like sharing, I’m sure you know as well as anyone this seems like a safe place to do. FWIW, I will be soon be sharing a story on here, which details the number one thing I’ve struggled with since my loss. It’s so convoluted, I’ve yet to share with anyone. Not a soul. It’s one of those things that caused me to question my sanity. That being I find it so surreal, I ask “Can a human being possibly be this unlucky, or have I lost my mind?” Teaser, I have concluded it’s the former and accepted it. Still, I know I will feel better putting it out there, even if few/no-one is able to relate. i just hope that, should you have a preference on the cause of death, this is what it turns out to be. I studied my wife’s cause of death top to bottom, BTW. I wanted to learn everything about it…but yes I am INCREDIBLY fortunate. I was holding her hand as she passed and it was a peaceful as I imagined a passing could ever be, so am eternally grateful for this. Thx

Boho-Soul I can empathize partly with respect to having a partner who is battling a life-threatening condition (be it mental and/or physical). I might have noted, but right as my wife completed her battle with Stage IV cervical cancer, she was diagnosed that same week with a rare blood disease that turned in to acute leukemia. So for us, it was a straight five year battle of treatments, procedures, hospital stays (half of it out of town). This, as our two kids were just in 8th and 9th grade. However, I feel I had the opposite experience, in that while she was very I’ll, I was confident she would be around for a lot longer. Of course I REALLY struggled with it. To the point, as bad news from the doctor would arise, my wife would ask her doctor to tell me so she did not have to. Her passing was like a taboo subject with us. We both focused on solely beating it, and we realized it was going to take a strain on our relationship. We accepted that fact and agreed we were committed to seeing it through. Even though her long term prognosis was not good, we essentially ignored that and focused on current day—for her to get better. It wore her down something fierce. For me, it was almost the opposite. I never ever thought about her being gone while she was alive. I imagine I repressed that thought. She died unexpectedly. Went in to the hospital with a fever (as she had multiple times before, and was gone 12 hours later. In all candor it seemed more like a shock than if it were an accident. She battled everything, pretty much beat it, but caught a fluke infection. As I reflect on our final years, I summarize them by accepting it had a strain on our family, however we expected it to and were actually proud of the fact we did not allow it to tear us apart (as something like this often does) to families. Unfortunately AFTER she passed my relationship with the rest of my family (on both sides deteriorated—-and I have no idea as to why). That is another post altogether I imagine. I’m VERY sorry you have not been told the cause of death. I am unsure of the circumstances in your case but regardless I imagine that has magnified mourning you have endured. All I can do is pray there will be some level of closure others might have—you can receive. Thank you for sharing your experience/feelings. I assure you it’s not frivolous words when I say I’m sorry.

This might seem to be an odd question, but curious if anyone else experienced this. During the first year of my wife’s passing i noticed something odd. I kept getting styes in my eyes. I can’t remember if it was different eyes or the same one, but think I developed 4-5 styes in span of seven months. Prior to this. I didn’t even know what a stye was. What caused this? I personally think it’s simple: tears. Note my doctor doesn’t think it contributed, but he was not really an expert in that field. As I explained to him I was crying—a lot. I am confident I did not go a single day in 12 months without crying. I imagine I averaged 6-7 cries per day in fact. Usually my crying wiuld last maybe 3-5 min, but it was the count of them that was shocking to me. Many times I imagine I cried over 10+ times per day (it was really bad). In fact I actually got worried at how much I was crying thinking it was abnormal and even researched it for a while. So my thinking is this torrid of tears had to contribute to getting this styes, or it is a great coincidence. FWIW now that I no longer cry as much as I did (I realized it is not good for me). Coincidentally, I have not gotten any styes since. Did any of you who cried a lot notice effects from crying a lot? Thanks

Hi kayc, Thanks for sharing this with us. You and I were both around the same age when I lost my wife (although my loss happened just a few years ago). So I value your feedback on here more than you may realize. Do you mind if I pose a few questions? Did you ever remarry or engage in another relationship after your loss? How do you feel about your decision now (whatever the answer)? Has any of the memories faded? Honestly, this is one of my greatest fears. That I will be your age, and it suddenly seems like “a lifetime ago” since I was married. Or can you still easily envision your husband and being with him as clearly (or relatively clear) as you could 18 years ago. Perhaps another way to ask: do you still feel close to him, or has time affected this? I assume you have photos and videos of him? Have you been able to watch videos (ie old home movies). I have hours and hours of my wife and I, but cannot yet bring myself to that. A part of me thinks I will become physically ill from sadness if I tried. Thank you!

Hello Sheenie, If there is some good news, you are not alone. I guess misery loves company? Unsure, but please know that you are among people on this forum who can empathize so please take heed in this (it took me a long time to find people who can empathize) Some things you wrote that I really enjoyed as it made me think. (paraphrasing): “wherever we were, my husband made it home.” He sounds like he was a good man. As that is an attribute of a good husband IMO. “I used to complain about not having enough time to myself, but now that’s all I have.” You know, I’m sure at one point in our lives we “complained” about what it takes to keep a relationship going. It’s natural. I think what differs people who were able to remain in king-term relationships is we know it’s what we choose to do. So a part of us allows us to complain about frivolous things..just to keep our sanity. I make no bones about it, once my wife became sick I was her sounding board - for everything. She was such a sweet person, but was going through a lot, so I not only allowed - but encouraged her to take things out on me. She knew I could handle it and at the end of the day I loved her and was committed to her as we were truly soul mater. As for “all I have it time to myself now”…it’s interesting. There was a moment where I wondered “perhaps I can try and enjoy a new lifestyle. One where I no longer have responsibility to anyone but myself.” I swear that lasted maybe…and hour at the most. It’s just not me - so that is when I truly started my soul-searching to answer what I want Vs what I am capable of (a whole other post). “I feel like I am in jail.” I sincerely mean it when I say I would rather spend the rest of my life in prison and have my wife alive, then be free and not have her. Of course I have never been to prison or anything before so don’t know what it feels like, but I truly mean when I say I would take that chance to “switch places” with someone if I could. It’s obvious you loved your husband very much and I’m sure you both knew you were grateful to have one another. The anniversary of my wife’s passing is coming up soon as well. I haven’t decided is I will allow myself to cry or not. My that I truly feel I cried myself out the first year. Then I realized the crying was not helping me emotionally. Note: that is just ME. Everyone is different - :so do you. If I feel the need to cry, I will, but honestly the only time I “feel better” after crying is when I am talking outloud to her while I cry (as I believe she senses it and tries to comfort me). I also hope you can focus on being re-united with him. Again, everyone is different, but I know - should I make myself worthy - I will be with her in afterlife for eternity, and that keeps me going. In fact I will share with you all, that I once had a “vision” about this. Understand I am not in to “paranormal” or anything, but here is what happened: my mind suddenly went to a place where, while I was wide-awake, I wasn’t “controlling” my thoughts. I suddenly both FELT and SAW us to together again. We hugged each other and cried in each other’s arms for almost 24 straight hours. We just hugged and cried and cried and cried and cried. We had not even talked yet, but we both knew why we were crying. It was a combination of sadness from being apart, to gratefulness to being back together. It was a feeling of “we knew this would happen and it has”. My personal feeling on why I had that “experience” is because I was in the depths of sorrow unlike I knew even imagined, and feel God might have given me a little glimpse of what is possible to provide me some comfort. Whatever the reason, it worked.

Hello Gwen, I have been reading what I can of his super-thread, mainky jumping around so forgive me if I am completely off, but it seems you have had some hospital stays and are now back home? That’s wonderful for you I hope I laughed at your comment about “how to pay bills?” I agree it’s tricky. When my wife last, she was the bill payer and had the log in to everything. I ran in to brick walls trying to get things switched over and used to think “I can’t believe I am having to beg these companies to let me pay them money.” For some things like AT&T I just had to wait until our service got suspended to pay (I had no way to pay it ahead of time). Crazy. I found your thoughts on assisted living interesting. This has been fairly taboo in my family throughout the generations. Meaning from a young age I watched the family members take care of their elder relations as opposed with putting them in an assisted-living situation. Even my own parents (who don’t talk to me) know that I would never turn one or both of them away if they ever needed to live with me. They can just live with me and not talk to me still if that is what they choose. 🙂 I have also asked my son (who is only 21) to promise he would never do that to me either. We’ll have to wait and see on that one. In all candor, i wish I had a neighbor who could use my help. I’m still fairly young (52) and can get around fine when I have need. It would be a perfect situation as I work from my home office and am ALWAYS home (with the exception of some business travel). I’d love nothing more than to have a widowed woman (or man) who lived next to me where I could help with the chores around the house, take care of their lawn, help with any “computer stuff” (it’s what I do for a living) etc. More importantly, just have someone to share a companionship with. Play cards etc (I LOVE bingo, BTW). Regarding your hospital stays. I am unable to empathize. I was a care-taker for my wife who easily spent two years in the hospital over a course of five years (11 months straight once) so I’ve seen the effects it can have on people. I used fo tell my wife “just think in terms of you are there for one sole purpose. To heal. It’s a healing center focused on you. Many people around the world suffering the same thing might not even have the option.” I realize a statement like that can only go so far, but it’s a true statement nonethelesss. Anyway. I have a lot of reading to do on heee and will endeavor to catch up via this thread. Until then I sincerely wish you good health and good fortune over the coming days. As someone else noted, your mind appears incredibly sharp, and that’s usually a good sign the body will follow.

Thank you as always for your replies. Yep, like most of you my wife and I definitely missed each other dearly while one of us was traveling. Toward the end, my wife travelled more than me but it was for health reasons. She was being treated by doctors out of town, so twice a month I would take her to the airport and off she would go. in fact she and I used to talk about how lucky we were to be living in the “Information Age” and there was technology that allowed us to stay in constant contact. Not only would we constantly text, but once her plane was about to take off and she would say “We are about to take off. Gotta turn phone off love you!” I would use an app called Flight Aware that allowed me to follow her flight in real time (I could see an animation via radar of where he plane was) and I would keep it running on my desk just to check it every 10 minutes or so. Then assuming our schedules allowed, when we ate dinner we would put my phone on a tripod and Face Time her so she could be with us virtually at home. When we first met, there was no “internet”. We would hand write and mail letters when away. So we were openly grateful for the technology we had. It made some difficult times that much easier. Anyway, I have a feeling this will be a very lonely trip. The worst will be when I get back to the hotel each night (I will be gone a week) and have literally nothing to do nor even look forward to. Such a strange feeling. I will just have to fight through it. I will say, while I have never been “openly religious” (I respect all faiths, in fact) when I am super lonely I do a lot of praying. It does give me a sense of comfort unlike it has in the past. Never in a million years imagined I would be going out of town, to one of our favorite destinations, only to be going back to the hotel each night and pray. But it’s most likely what I will choose to do.

I imagine most of you continue to experience “the first time without” your significant other for a certain event. Eg: First Christmas without, first time going shopping without, first time going to church without, etc. For me. I have another one coming up that I think will be tough, and it is first time traveling without. While I used to travel in business often, I was the type who could not wait to get back to his family. So I would do day trips from Dallas to San Fransisco, while my colleagues would spend the night out, I would catch a red eye back home. I have tried my best not to travel on business since she has left, however I’m to the point where I need to. I imagine what will be hardest for me: Packing. My wife was a perfectionist at this. She made sure my clothes came out of the suitcase in better condition than the cleaners. She would always make sure I had extra of everything, also sneak me some sweets in my luggage and always put a love not somewhere in there. Texting her all day every day. My wife and I stayed in constant communication “I’m at the gate.” “I’m boarding the plane” “We just landed” and texted or talked every free second we had when away. I will REALLY miss this. Ironically, one of our favorite places to travel together, is my first destination for business travel: Boston. From our early 20’s we would do our best to go to New England during the fall (with Boston as our hub). We had some of the best times of our lives there. I’m confident from the moment I arrive at the airport I will be thinking “we drank coffee there” “She bought a Cosmopolitan magazine there.” And of course, the worst part will be returning home. 100% of my business trips I would always get my kids something, some local sweets for my wife, etc. No matter how late at night I returned she would stay awake to ensure I made it home safely. Sigh. I guess for now I will just do my best. I will pack as best I can (not just throw my clothes in the luggage). Try to remember my different medicines she would remind me of, etc. I’m confident being alone in the hotel will be really extra lonely, simply because she is not at home. I know that sounds weird but I am confident it’s how I will feel. What are some of the “first time without” thinks you have experienced, and/or are pending and not looking forward to it for you?

My son, came to me today and said he wanted to come to my next doctor appointment. I asked why, and he said “I’m worried about you. You don’t seem healthy. You are in your room all day, you rarely move anywhere other to walk Winston (our dog), you have been dropping weight and you are looking very pale these days. I want the doctor to really know how your health is going downhill. I’m not going to sit around while you dwindle to nothing and drop dead.” FWIW, I am very aware of everything he’s pointed out. I’ve known my health has decreased l, drastically since my wife’s passing. I have lost over 50 pounds, I know I’ve become lethargic (I went over eight months only leaving my room to get groceries once per week)—no exaggeration. Ironically, when my wife paseed away she was worried about my health as I had a mini-heart attack 30 minutes prior (this is a whole other post). One of her last words to me were “Are you okay, honey?” So I am curious. How was your health after losing your significant other, and if poor, how long did it take you to become healthy again? # I do want to point out, as I told my son, I recognize my challenges and am not ignoring them. I try to make myself eat, I am trying to engage with different people, and most importantly focused on my objective of moving overseas to begin helping a community. I know I need to be healthy in order to do this so am trying. Thanks.

Oh, and no of course I take no offense regarding your thoughts on Texas, Nashreed (but thank you for clarifying). Not that I would have under normal circumstances, but I’m sure one thing we all agree on: After the loss of our loved one, we have been humbled to the point petty things no longer affect us—at all. I can honestly say since my wife has passed, I have not felt anger toward anyone or any situation. Disappointed? Yes. I imagine some of the things that might effect the “normal” population—we just view them as small and petty when compared to “real life”. I do view this as one positive. Most if not all of us view the world in a different way now.

Thank you for each of your responses. i agree that Widowers seem by an large more unlikely to seek companionship and “help” for their grief…and I also think sometimes they perhaps just need priming. it really breaks my heart to think of all these good men, who are possibly at an elderly age, lose their wife and then spend their remaining years in isolation and sorrow until they just die. The proposal I had put together would at least provide an opportunity for them, so even if they thought they could cope alone, in the event it became too much they had least had a point of contact to reach out to. Yes, the proposal was ambitious but I had it all planned out (and it would not cost the city any money at all; although we would accept funding should it be offered. i had it pretty much planned out and was positioned to speak with the Director of Human Services (I think that was the division) but then Covid came, and then after pretty much losing the rest of my family I decided my efforts would have more impact overseas, so will be taking my wife’s remains to a location across the world where she wanted them disbursed, and staying there with her to help that community. Finally, thank you for those who provided links for potential assistance. I will surely check them out. Unfortunately, I could possible still be here for up to the next 12 months, and feel comfortable enough to let you know it’s a struggle I’ve been too (something) to battle—but I also realize I owe it to myself, and more importantly, my wife. As I know she does not seeing me in this state. Sigh.

Thanks for everyone’s responses. What I am taking from this is what I mainly feel - and that is having the point of view from a woman. My hope is that as I engage myself in various grief classes/organizations I will have more opportunity for companionship. i might have mentioned, but only months after my wife passed, I had a falling out with my parents (whom I was VERY close with as I am an only-child). They just refuse to understand the devastation I am experiencing which led to the fall-out (it’s them not wanting anything to do with me) i mention that as not only did I lose my wife, but realized my own parents stopped loving me. It’s the most surreal experience I could have ever imagined. As throughout my adult life I was always the peacemaker among almost everyone in my family. I was the one who had long talks with various family members when they were at odds, always being proactive in bringing them back together. Everyone from my kids, to my wife and each child, to my wife and my in-laws, my parents and my in-laws, to my wife and my parents, etc etc. Now, the first and only time in my life I need their support for something they are all MIA. I only have to accept the fact I am simply unlucky in this aspect of life. I of course still love and forgive them all…but it still hurts Badly What I CAN do, however, is look at myself in the mirror and know I did everything in my heart that I felt was right. I really struggled to understand how people (that I love no less) could be so cruel not care about how they feel about themselves. Then I would hear my wife as she would sometimes tell me “Not everyone can be you.” So with that, among my soul-searching I have deduced I would rather not have any support from my family, but know in my heart I have kept my dignity and behaved like the kind of person I strive to be (caring, supportive, etc( than vise-versa. One thing I can honestly say, for the past 30 years I have tried my darnedest to be the absolute best husband, father, and son i could be. Was I the best? Of course not, but I tried…100% of the time. At least I have that in my heart.

I have a question for each of you. Do you miss having the opposite sex in your life? In other words if you are a male, do you miss a woman’s touch? If you are female, do you miss having a man around? My wife and I were very traditional, in that once we had children she focused on being a homemaker. Thus I became very spoiled in having meals cooked for me, our house was kept like a museum she kept it so clean. All my clothes being washed/pressed, etc. MOST of all, I miss being around a feminine soul. That being, a women who genuinely cares about my well-being, is there for me in times of need, etc. While I am not looking for a romantic relationship, I would definitely love to meet a woman I can bond with, and care for in a non/sexual way. Almost a sister-like relationship. Do any of you widowers feel that way? How about the widows on here? Do you find any value in having a man around to help with your needs, but in a no-romantic way? I’m asking for two reasons: 1. To understand if other men feel as I do. 2. To understand if there are women (in general) who possibly seek a strong bind/friendship with a man…again of the platonic nature. Finally I will say this. The one thing in life I have learned is to never say never. While I am not looking for a romantic relationship, and while I DO know no one will ever come close to the companionship my wife provided….I am self-aware to know you cannot suppress feelings. Meaning I don’t plan on, nor want, and frankly hope I don’t engage in a romantic relationship….I never say never to anything. This is the reason I would like to find a sister-like relation where we can possibly fill the voids in each other lives. I hope this makes sense.

Nashreed, I personally enjoy your posts/feedback, and frankly thank you for them. Thanks you are among the few widowers I’ve ever dialogued with. If you have looked around, I imagine you have noticed there do not seem to be any services geared toward widowers. At one point, I was going to propose something to my city, Dallas, where they offer services to widowers, and eventually to widows. My idea was to simply monitor public records for death certificates. The use case would be as follows: 1. Man loses spouse (identified in a system I would be happy fund/help maintain) and an alert is sent to a specific group of volunteers. 2. Among the volunteers are other Widowers. One of them is assigned to the new Widower, and reaches out to him to be a “buddy” so to speak. Gives the new widower information on services that might be available, checks up on him (maybe meet for coffee), basically fellowship with the new Widower. This is assuming the new Widower is interested. If not, no big deal. His decision. I just have this sneaky feeling. there are a LOT of widowers out here; who lose their wife, go into isolation, and essentially sit around waiting to die. That saddens me and I wish there is something I can do. Regarding meeting a Widow, interesting you mention that. I have a question for the group for will post a desperate thread on it.

I also want to point out I hope this is a positive step for me. Due to the isolation, and frankly depression I’ve allowed myself to fall in to, I have been very complacent in seeking any sort of help for this terrible state I am in. While I realize it is a lame excuse, I imagine part of it is due to the fact I had zero encouragement from anyone. I think this put me in a mindset of “if no one else cares, why should I?” This, in general, is a huge aspect of my life where there is a void My wife was always diligent in helping me find purpose and essentially telling me to keep my act together if I fall in to any level of sadness/anxiety This is how people who care about each other respond in these situations To that end, while I continue to evolve through this ongoing soul-searching exercise of mine, I’m beginning to at least identify what I know I should be doing toward taking charge of my mental health, and I just pray that come Tuesday, I am not in some level of lethargy/depression that I have little motivation to go. Honestly this has become a definite problem of mine I’ve identified and am battling overcoming these moments.

Making Strides My church has a “Grief Therapy” class held each week. Historically it was held in programs (Ie from Date A to Date B). In the past when I have inquired about attending, for one reason or another had missed the class start date, and was told I could not join mid-program as I would “be behind” and not benefit from it. Thus was informed I would have to wait until the next session started (up to six months later). THANKFULLY, someone new has taken over leading the group, and has a different perspective altogether. Now, they distinctly point out people are free begin attending at any point, as the classes are now self-contained and no longer linear. The importance of this, in my opinion, is the program no longer has to turn people who are grieving away. As you can imagine, it’s an oxymoron to say “we care about you and are committed to helping….but you will have to continue grieving alone for six more months.” My thought is they ended up having to to turn quite a few people away, and someone with a heart simply thought things through, and did the right thing. Regardless, this is both surprising and encouraging to me. I don’t know what to expect, but will first meeting Tuesday night!

Yes. It seems we are experiencing the exact same things.I also feel, subconsciously, I become “resentful”. One of the final conversations I had with my dad (prior to my parents telling me to “get over it”) which alienated them from me, was when my dad was complaining about something very superficial regarding my mom. Something like “she takes too many pictures for Facebook” (or something silly like that). I remember I just started repeating over and over “You are lucky to have each other.” to where it got kind of tense and no one said anything back. Even though I am 52, I NEVER talk to my parents like that so I took a deep breath and realized at that moment, if my own parents, who were involved in my wife and I’s daily life don’t understand..no one can until they experience it. This is a major part of my grief Not only did I lose my wife, but the majority of my family I would talk with my in-laws weekly, but now only talk with 1-2 of them maybe once a year i also think subconsciously, I avoid certain friends simply because it only hurts me to hear about the “normal life” they have, that I should still have. When I walk my dog through the neighborhood, I will see couples my age, holding hands walking. Part of me is happy for them, and part of me thinks “that should be me.” I think the best thing I can offer people, is to understand it can ALL be over, just like that. I often tell my friends, “if you want to do something for me, just be happy you aren’t in my position. Please just cherish your family and understand it can all go away.” I do think that moving overseas to a different culture, being 100% focused on serving others while mourning my wife will—at a minimum pre-occupy my mind from “what will never be.” I had planned to already be gone, but have run in to passport issues (long story as I am originally from Canada), but it does give me more time to save money.