MartyT

Thank you so much for the detailed update, Laura ~ So good to hear from you! Stay healthy, and continue taking such good care of yourself ~ for you, and for us! Blessings to you, dear one! ❤️

Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers as you find your way through this latest challenge . . . ❤️

On 4/14/2024 at 8:55 AM, Rudderless said:

 

I am flying blind. I do not know what to do from here. I do not know how to talk to my boys and tell them I acknowledge their mother’s death now. Denial is over.

Given how you describe your relationship with both your boys, and given how long this has been going on in your family, you would be wise to consider some professional guidance and support. There is way too much to unpack here, to think that you can do it all by yourself.  Meeting with a qualified grief counselor or family therapist could go a long way in helping you open the lines of communication with your sons and come to terms with the death of your wife ~ and their mother. See, for example,

Seeing A Specialist in Grief Counseling: Why It Matters

How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

Supporting Children and Adolescents in Grief

In Grief: Coping with Denial and Disbelief

15 hours ago, kayc said:

Urgent prayer request:

Granted, Kay ❤️

Ken, I am so sorry. I can hear the pain in your words ~ and my heart reaches out to you. I hope you can feel all of our arms wrapped around you as we offer comfort and support to your broken heart . . . ❤️

I encourage you to read the following, as doing so may shed some light on your experience. Note that each article includes links to additional resources:

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources

Using Antidepressants to Manage Acute, Normal Grief

Voices of Experience: Grief and Depression: Are They Different?

My dear, I am so very sorry to learn of the death of your dad. Death by suicide is one of the most difficult kinds of loss to understand and to bear, and it's important for you to know that you are not alone in this.

I hope you will give yourself the benefit of some of the many resources available to you.

Here is just a sampling:

Surviving A Parent's Death by Suicide

Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss

"The Surviving Siblings Summit" will cover topics specific to siblings who have lost siblings and we welcome you to attend if you have experienced a loss of a sibling or you would like to learn more about sibling loss.
The event will take place on April 20th virtually on an interactive platform for our attendees. Our keynotes and sessions have been crafted and selected to ensure that our attendees leave feeling connected, inspired and uplifted even after the devastating loss of a sibling.
Whether you lost your sibling today or decades ago, there is something for everyone at our upcoming event.
In addition, one of the incredible benefits of our event is that you can watch all of the keynotes and sessions for up to 90 days post the event on our secure platform. Networking and expo booth interactive is only active the day of the event.
For tickets: https://www.thesurvivingsiblings.com/store/
 

More food for thought, from my blog post, Pet Loss: How Long Before Adopting Another?

Many people worry that getting another pet too soon after losing the one they loved so much is somehow an act of disloyalty to the one who died – but like everything else in grief, that is a very individual matter and varies widely from one person to the next.

Some people are so full of love that they can always find another chamber in their hearts to accommodate another precious animal. My own father was such a person – whenever one of our beloved family pets died, he was the first one to suggest that we find another animal right away, to help heal our broken hearts.

Some people discover that it's not so much that they go looking for another animal, but another animal just seems to find them.

Still others find that it takes a very long time before they feel ready to adopt another animal. Grieving is hard work, and pets, especially young ones like puppies and kittens, take an enormous amount of energy, time, training and commitment.

I suggest to bereaved animal lovers that, before they decide to bring another animal into their lives, they need to make sure that they are finished with whatever grief work they have left to do in mourning the loss of this pet who has died. Obviously any new pet deserves to be loved for itself, as a separate individual with its own unique personality, and not as a replacement for the one who was lost.

Once all of that has been considered, it's important to recognize that there are some great benefits in deciding to get another pet. Loving and caring for an animal enables us to feel productive, useful and needed; to have someone to talk to and communicate with; to feel companionship and closeness with another, thereby feeling secure, protected, supported and not alone; to feel touched, both physically and emotionally; to engage more actively in life, as our animal depends on us for food, water, exercise and medical care; and to be motivated toward better care of ourselves, out of a sense of responsibility for our pet.

I also believe very strongly that one of the most endearing things about our animals is that they just want us to be happy. If death takes them away from us, once we've expressed and worked through our sorrow over losing them, wouldn't they want us to be happy once again, and to open our hearts to other animals in need of all our love?

We might think of getting another pet as a way of honoring the one we have lost. I'm reminded of a lovely piece I have posted on the Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page of my Grief Healing website:

Not only is there always another good animal 
in need of a good home,
but we must remember to be thankful 
for the time and love our animals give us 
while they are here.
Take time to enjoy them and learn from them.
As painful as it is to lose them,
they teach us to love unselfishly,
they teach us to live each day to the fullest,
they teach us to grow old gracefully,
and they teach us to die with dignity.
We do them disrespect
to focus only on the sorrow of their death
when they have given us so much joy through their life.
If we wish to honor them,
take what they have given us,
all that love,
and give it back to another animal
in need of help.

~ Kent C. Greenough

On 3/11/2024 at 12:33 AM, Lawrence said:

A huge part of this trust relates to obtaining a pet that I can love but yet I feel that I could not go through another death.    Deep down I fear that I will never get over losing my desire for another pet (another little dog) but likewise never losing that fear of losing this new pet. 

For many bereaved animal lovers, part of our reluctance to adopt another dog is the fear that we will have to go through all this pain again, loving then losing lose another dog at some future point. I can tell you that the one sure way to avoid repeating the pain you're feeling now is to decide never to love like that again. Yet you know (in your head, if not your heart) that whenever we take a companion animal into our lives, sooner or later we are going to lose that animal, simply because their life span is so much shorter than our own. We like to think our animals will be with us forever, but deep down we know that cannot be. This reality is very hard for us to accept when we are confronted with the death of our cherished animals. It is far better to acknowledge that harsh reality when we opt to bring an animal into our lives in the first place.

In addition, your sense of loyalty to your deceased dog might be interfering with your willingness to let yourself love another animal companion. Oftentimes we confuse loving another pet with "replacing" the one we've lost, and you may think that no other dog (or kitten) could replace your precious little one. It feels like an act of disloyalty, a violation of your dog's memory, an intrusion. After all, no other dog could ever be like the little one you lost. No other pup will have your little dog's unique qualities, nor should you expect it to. But instead of viewing another dog as a "replacement,” it may help to think of this as making a new friend, one that you will learn about and come to love over time.

On 3/11/2024 at 12:33 AM, Lawrence said:

I recognize that I do need to confront these thoughts and emotions. At this stage, I see my therapist for Complicated Grief and PTSD, but I cannot share any issues surrounding the death of my dog (or maybe I do not even want to).

It's good to know that you are in therapy, but I wonder what would happen if you chose to confront those thoughts and emotions, and share those issues with your therapist? 

Hoping you'll find this helpful: Afraid to Love My Remaining Pets  ❤️

5 hours ago, LostSoul12 said:

Thank you for the links, although a few of them appear to be broken?

Links are working now ~ please try again.

1 hour ago, LostSoul12 said:

I wish the nights and mornings carried less pain - are they any methods of stoping the anxiety when you wake up?

I'm a firm believer in learning all you can about what is normal in grief and what you might do to better manage your own reactions. If you're willing to do some reading about grief (and I mean YOUR grief: your reactions to the loss of this relationship) I can point you to a number of articles that you might find helpful. (Such reading will also help you to understand what your lady may be feeling and thinking in the wake of her father's death.)  ❤️

See, for example,

Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief

Grief: Understanding The Process

Anxiety and Panic Attacks in Grief

Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in GriefUsing Writing to Help with Grief

Using Writing to Help with Grief

55 minutes ago, LostSoul12 said:

I’m just dumbfounded that she didn’t even want to give us the chance of working through our issues.

From the history you've described, it seems as if, over the course of your relationship, you two have had lots of experience "working through your issues" ~ so we can assume that your lady already knows how much work is required to do that with you now. Working one's way through grief takes enormous time and energy, which leaves precious little of either to devote to anything else.

I hope you will take Kay's wise advice, and focus on YOU and whatever you need to get through this. For one thing, that means doing your best to stay in the present moment, by taking one day, one hour, one moment at a time. Don't torture yourself thinking about the future, whether it will include this person in your life or not. Focus instead on what you need to do right now to take good care of YOU. Plan specifically for what you can do this weekend, and force yourself to adhere to that plan. As Kay suggests,

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Don't do something permanent for a temporary situation...I say temporary because in time you will evolve through this and won't feel the same about it.  It does take time and evolution though.  And call a hotline if you are feeling suicidal. 988

Now is the time to do positive things for yourself.  Go on walks, join a gym, eat healthy delicious food, call a friend to see a movie or a game.  Whatever you do, don't sit around the house despondent.  That comes automatically, it takes effort to move out of yourself and do good things for yourself.

Clearly you are a responisble and caring animal lover and mother, so I've no doubt that whatever you decide, you will explain it to your sons in the most loving way. I don't think there is a right or wrong decision in this situation; I think what matters is how you handle it once the decision is made. That is, do what you can to make it be the "right" decision for you and your family.

From what you've shared and based on your own experience, much as you love both dogs and Guinea pigs, they're not really safe together in the same household, and accidents do happen.

Whatever you decide to do, just be honest with your sons, include them in your decision-making process, and explain it at their level of understanding.

In any event, I think you've answered your own dilemma:

17 hours ago, Adela said:

Like my youngest son, I'd rather be done with the guilt and worry over the guinea pigs and their safety, especially considering the prey drive of my young heeler dog. (Alas, dear Roxie never killed a guinea pig. I miss her.) On the other hand, this experience has enabled my older son to feel and practice empathy. As a person with differences and challenges, he feels what it must feel like to not have a friend, or at least someone like him in the next room. The development of empathy is good for him, but the devil of anxiety is not. 

On 1/30/2024 at 8:13 PM, Summer79 said:

We are considering telling her , since it's been over a year now and he's still here, that fine, he can come with you, but we want to make sure she knows we don't support the relationship, we are just tolerating it.

It seems to me that you've already made quite clear to your mother how you feel about the man she's chosen to be with. The hard reality here is that your mother is a grown woman, free to live her life and to make her own decisions, whether or not you approve of her choices. Think of how you would feel if your mother did't approve of the person you've chosen to be with, and if she insisted that you couldn't have him with you at family gatherings. 

You say that since you all live nearby, it's not like your mother is "alone or without people to be with" ~ but "hanging out" with her kids and grandkids in the role of mother and grandmother is not the same as being with her partner 24 hours a day, seven days a week, whose primary focus is on her and their relationship. Your mother has been a widow for eight years; we can only imagine how it feels to her to have the attention and companionship of another man in her life.

You've already let your mother know how you feel about all of this, and for whatever reasons she's chosen to let this man stay with her anyway ~ so there's not much more that you can do without alienating her completely and cutting her out of your life. 

I encourage you to get some help with all of this by talking to a therapist or professional grief counselor, so that your own feelings about losing your dad and your current difficulties with your mother can be expressed, worked through and resolved. You may have no control over how your mother chooses to live her life in the wake of your father’s death, but with help you can find more effective ways to manage your own reactions and get on with your own life. Your community library or your local mental health association will have good grief counseling referral lists, or you can use the Yellow Pages of your telephone directory to call your local hospital or hospice. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a local grief referral. I hope you will think of this as a gift you can give to yourself, and I hope you will follow through with it. ❤️

Good for you! And thank you for sharing your experience with all of us. (We're all pulling for you!) ❤️

My friend, you've suffered so many significant losses ~ the deaths of your father, your grandfather, your uncle and your mother, and then the end of your marriage ~ I certainly can understand how overwhelmed you must feel. You also have two children who are mourning these losses as well, and who may be looking to you, their dad, for comfort and support. All of this adds to the burden you are struggling to carry.

Please know that we are thinking of you and supporting you as you work to find your way through this most difficult journey of grief. I hope you will avail yourself of all the resources that are available to you ~ all of which will serve to convince you that you are not alone.

I'm a firm believer in learning all you can about what is normal in grief, so you'll have a better understanding of what you are thinking and feeling and a better handle on what you might do to manage your own reactions. As you come to know us here, you will find lots of reliable information as well as the support you need and deserve.

To begin, let me point you to some readings that I'm hoping might help. Note that each of these articles lists links to additional related resources:

In Grief: Coping with Multiple Losses

Grief: Understanding The Process

Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief

Finding GriefSupport That Is Right for You

Supporting Children and Adolescents in Grief

4 hours ago, Tachi said:

I will probably never hear from the couple who bought the house ever again. in a way I want to share some things about it but in a way i think it best to just let it go. Thats a rough part of Life is learning when to let things go.

Scott, the thoughts you're having remind of this article: In Grief: Saying Goodbye to A Family Home ❤️

And there's even room enough for your grandson! 😋

Dear Daryle, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved momma, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain. Clearly you are a loving son whose devotion to your mother is obvious ~ even though your love and care were not enough to save her.

I want to refer you to a piece that could have been written just for you, and I hope it will bring some comfort and understanding to your broken heart: Guilt In The Wake of A Parent's Death ~ and be sure to take a look at some of the many additional resources listed at the base. ❤️